My husband and I are both self employed. There are a lot of benefits to self-employment. One of the detriments, however, is this: we need to buy our own health insurance.
My husband and daughter are currently on a halfway decent policy. I’m on a crappy one with a high deductible, a low maximum cap, and an 80-20 split. It was the only policy I could qualify for and afford a few years ago.
If we keep this health insurance, I’m quite certain I will die as a result of it.
Thanks to President Obama, I can now afford better health insurance. I worked with a broker a while back. I had him run a few plans. I picked one. I filled in most of the paperwork. I needed my husband to fill in a few details.
And that’s where the whole process stalled.
Once a week I would ask, “Have you filled out those papers yet?”
Once a week he would say, “Not yet. I’m getting to it.”
Every time I asked, I got a bit tenser about it and he got a little more evasive about it.
Then last week, a reader asked me how to ask her spouse for change without feeling like a nag. I thought, “Gee, that’s a good question.”
Her question got me thinking about nagging in general and why I hate doing it. And that got me thinking about my husband and how he’s universally bad about filling out paper work. The worst example of this made itself know to me a couple years ago when we were driving to Pittsburgh and he got pulled over for speeding. It was then when I learned that his registration was expired. That’s the one document that I don’t fill out for him because I don’t drive his car and know the odometer reading off the top of my head.
This also got me thinking about to-do lists. We all walk around with one. It might be written down. It might be mental, but we all have one.
And most people, if they are being honest, will admit that some of the things on their list never get done. For instance, I used to have “take old computers to a recycling center” on my mental to-do list. I put the computers in the middle of the floor in my office so I would see them every day. Despite this reminder, I kept not doing it. I eventually carried them back to the basement where they’ve been for months.
I suppose my husband could nag me about those computers. He doesn’t, probably because getting them to a recycling center is not important to him.
That brings me to another thought. The items on my to-do list don’t always match up with the items on my husband’s to-do list. This doesn’t mean my to-do items are more or less important than his. They are just different.
Then it occurred to me that he has not gotten around to filling out the health insurance forms for a few reasons.
1. He hates filling out forms.
2. He has other things on his to-do list that he finds more important than filling out health insurance forms.
3. Health insurance isn’t important to him because: A) He has pretty dang good health insurance, so this doesn’t affect him; It only affects me. B) He isn’t the one who pays the bills each month, so he’s not walking around with a running mental tally of this abysmal situation.
This is why he needs me to remind him to do it. If I don’t remind him, he just won’t remember. Him not remembering has nothing to do with whether or not he loves me. In fact, I know he loves me because, just the other day, he replaced the headlight in my car. He didn’t have to do that. He could have done nothing, which would have meant I would have had to take my car to a mechanic, which would have taken time out of my day. It also would have meant that I didn’t go to meditation that night because the headlight would still be broken and I could then not drive my car in the dark. He took it upon himself to solve that problem, even though it didn’t affect him at all.
And he did it right away because of this: he kinda likes fixing things. (And he loves me).
I’m sure if he kinda liked filling out paperwork, the forms would be filled out by now.
I’m sure there have been times in the past when I’ve needed reminding. I’m sure there have been times when my husband wanted me to do something and I kept not doing it. I can’t remember any of those times, but I’m sure we’ve had them.
At some point, my husband will fill out those forms. It might happen sooner. It might happen later, but it will happen. I could choose to get snippy about it, or I could choose to be patient and just lovingly send the following text to his phone every so often: “health insurance.”
When he finally does fill in those forms, I could make a big fuss about how it took him forever to do so.
Or I could thank him.
Or I could jump his bones.
Which strategy do you think will get one of my to-do items on his list faster next time around? I’m thinking it’s the third.
So, to the reader who wants to know how to stop nagging: Don’t stop. Just change your perspective.
- Change your vocabulary. You are not nagging. You are gently reminding.
- Rather than bullying your partner into doing something that you think “he or she should had done already,” think of it as asking him or her to do you a favor.
- If you feel resentful about reminding your spouse to do something, think about all of the things you didn’t do right away that your spouse thought were important. Also, ask yourself the question, “Do I want fair or do I want to get this done?” I’m guessing you want the latter. You can’t always have both.
- Be patient. Your spouse will eventually get around to doing this. Getting pissed off about it just ruins your day. It doesn’t necessarily get the job done any faster.
- Don’t forget to explain why this task is so important to you. Just because you understand its importance doesn’t mean your spouse does, too.
- Remember that just because this task is important to you does not mean it will ever be important to your spouse. When your spouse completes this task, it may ONLY be because your spouse loves you and not at all because your spouse wants to get this thing done. Feel good about that and say, “Thank you.”
- Reward your spouse for putting one of your to-do items on his or her list.
How have you overcome nagging? Leave a comment.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve finally embraced that just because my husband doesn’t do it on my time table, doesn’t mean it won’t get done. I find keeping my mouth shut more, means that when I do speak up, he’s more likely to listen.
I wish I could find this blissful attitude. I have tried everything. I have asked my husband no less than ten times to pick up the dead carved pumpkins because we have a homeowners association. And I am sure eveyrone is asking why I don’t do it? I am really sick with an autoimmune issue and have just started treatment so it is hard to get through work each day. Much less bend over withour excruciating pain. Most things I have just learned to do myself. I have also learned the fine technique of starting the chores myself and then he gets the hint and finishes.
Alisa I love your writing and your style but I may have murdered my husband over insurance forms. That is really important.
Alisa, your broken headlight affected you’re hubby – no meditation for you might just mean not so happy wife to him. Just sayin’. And of course he loves you.
Here’s how I’d get the form filled out.
Me: honey, this form needs to be filled out by you, so since you’re busy, I’ll ask the question, you give me the answer and I’ll do the writing. Then for getting this done I will do “X” for you.
Hubby: just give me the form, but I still get “X”.
Here’s how I got hubby to fix the porch light, that kept sparking and the porch light only stayed on when it wanted to – “honey, thank goodness wires aren’t wrapped in paper anymore, we would have burned the house down a long time ago”.
And when we went outside and I closed the patio door, the light turned off and he said “leave the light on”, I responded with “I’d love to, but the switch needs replacing”.
When he fixed the patio light switch, he also fixed the dining area switch, since he turns that one on more than I do, he knew it needed replacing also.
I’d do this stuff, but I don’t mess with electricity and hubby is an Electrical Engineer.
But I can’t get him to answer a phone to save my life. He has a phobia about phones when he’s not at work – he takes too many calls at work, so he hates answering the phone at home. On the weekends, I take the phone to bed with me, since I know he won’t answer it. And if I don’t want to be bothered, I just turn all the phones off and make sure I won’t hear his cell phone. Basically no matter how much I “nagged”, he’s never going to answer the phone on the weekends or during the evenings.
I vote for the jumping his bones as a good result getter..LOL By the way if he is motivated by money maters NOW would be a time for him to sign. As most here know I myself sell health insurance. I also broker for about 6 different companies. I have received notice from 5 of them that rates are about to go up due to them having to now cover pre-existing conditions. So I understand not wanting to nag but you could gently let him know that rates are about to see increases.
For you personally be sure to get a locked in rate. Most companies offer a two year lock in. It cost slightly more but not much. Less than 5% for most companies. But lock it in NOW!!!!!!! I haven’t seen the increases yet but rumor has it they could be fairly high. You have my email address. If you have any questions feel free to email me any time. I can’t write business in your state but can give you helpful buying info. I’ll comment on more latter.
You ROCK,
Ron
OMG we just had this discussion in our house.
He told me that all I have to do is ask him once and he will remember. I’m stilling laughing about that one.
Hey it was a bad week.
My leadership style is: a controller. I don’t need much information to make up my mind, I like getting things done right away so they are off my mind. I don’t need much time to do stuff.
My husbands leadership style is: analyzer. He is almost always stalled because he doesn’t want to do something or make a decision on the off chance that it is not done perfectly and he will be embarrassed. He loves to analyze the heck out of every single thing we do. Sigh
If not given an deadline of some sort he will sit in the twilight zone forever.
So I ask for his advice (really asking him to do something or make a decision) and I tell him I need it by – pick a date. If he is unable to do it I will find a way to do it myself.
He HATES it when I follow my leadership style. Its makes him nervous as a cat caught in the rain. For example the “where to go for Xmas” decision came up. I asked him, “Am I flying by myself to my parents for Xmas or are we going together.” Then suggested I needed to know by November 1 to get a decent price on a ticket. We’re going together, by the way.
Generally it works really well. Sometimes I have to admit to myself that something is more important to me than to him and I just do it eg. picking up the bath mat in the bathroom.
I did leave his shirts inside out one time after doing the laundry. He dresses in the dark so as not to wake me in the a.m. and he wore a shirt to work inside out. It was JUST not worth the stress and embarrassment he went through AND the fight we ended up having.
BUT it was pretty funny. LOL
I baby my baby so it’s not often that I need to do something that especially stands out like jumping his bones for helping me out.
I don’t generally choose to do something like that. It might not even stand out as a kind of reward for getting something done.
But then, unlike a lot of other wives, I have the time to do those sorts of things for him all the time i.e. special meets, special events, special nites. I think I spoil him.
Oh I’d LOVE to jump his bones. My guy’s, anyway.
Got any tips for a rabidly horny female and man who likes it..maybe monthly?
There’s LOTS of stuff that he won’t do because I “corrected” him 2-5 years ago once.
I really wish that were a motivating factor.
*sigh* Maybe I just need to have my coworker suggest a marriage therapist outside of town for us.
Jeanie, get a BOB (battery operated boyfriend). Look back a couple of blogs and there is a link for a toy store.
I all of a sudden got this twinge of guilt because I realized that I probably frustrate my husband a lot…..and it’s not because I nag him. It’s because HE nags ME. I all of a sudden understand how frustrated he gets with me sometimes. I am fairly organized but my husband is the “Organized One”, the one who makes sure the deadlines are met, the chores are done, the birthday and baby shower cards are mailed out, and the insurance forms are filled out. That being said, I’m not exactly disorganized. I’m very conscientious and do (almost) everything on time, and every once in a while I forget something….and I do get kind of ADD at times. I need to be redirected and steered back on course, especially in the grocery store. I find this dynamic kind of hilarious because I had been in a relationship before I met my husband in which I was the one who kept it all together and it drove me crazy. But it was extremely disproportionate…like I had a real job and the ex sat around and played video games all day. The relationship between my husband and I is much more equitable in the sense that both of us can handle ourselves independently.
Anyways, I truly feel guilty about how I frustrate him…I know he doesn’t like to nag. We’ve started making almost daily “To Do” lists for each other. He writes down the things I need to do and I write down the things that he wants me to do. It’s good for a lot of reasons. First of all I forget stuff, and it provides me with a reminder of exactly what I need to get done. Also when I need him to do something specific like pick up a particular brand of whatever from the store, I don’t have to just cross my fingers and hope he doesn’t come home with Raspberry Activia yogurt instead of Peach Activia Light yogurt and then asks, “What’s the difference anyways?” Not that I would make a big deal out of that one. Baking soda vs. baking powder, now that’s a different story…but I digress. I think the “To Do” lists were born one morning after we had both been frustrated with one another over nagging. I woke up and pretty much said, “What do you expect me to get done for you today? Write it down.” He did the same for me. Even though our happy solution was partially born out of frustration, it also came from us wanting more peace and the genuine desire to make one another happy. Yesterday he thought I forgot to drop off the dry-cleaning and it truly made me happy to tell him that I got it done. It wasn’t monumental, but it made his day a little easier and that really made me happy. The nagging has been cut down by an estimated 80% at least. Now when something starts turning into a nag, we just put it on the list in the morning.
Kathy has it right. Interview him. Fill out the paperwork as he answers questions. Do it while drinking wine.
I used to be a very horrible nagger, and still do get fits now and then, but I learned to ask myself the question: How can I fix this? How can I make this perfect? Nagging is easy but doesn’t get anything done. It helps to be more solutions oriented.
Henway´s last [type] ..Dieting
You always give me perspective. I’ve been super busy lately and haven’t been reading your posts. During this time I’ve started to feel those ‘planning the husband’s funeral’ feelings creep up again. Then I took a few minutes to read your post today. I told my husband that our daughter needed a bath tonight (she got brownie batter in her hair trying to lick the bowl) and I just couldn’t do it after the day I had. He of course was happy to give her the bath. A couple of weeks ago, I would have just started complaining about how she got into everything and now I have to give her a bath, etc. etc. and he would have gone about his business not realizing that I was asking for help in my dysfunctional way. This is my first time posting, but I just had to let you know how much you are helping me keep things in perspective and today it just really came together. So thank you, thank you very much!
@Blaine what a cool idea!
The nagging / to-do situation improved dramatically in our marriage when I bought a white-board and screwed it to the kitchen wall. If my wife asks me to do something and I think there’s any chance I might forget, I write it on the board. She can write stuff up for me too, but it’s more effective if I write it myself. It then sits there, staring at me, reminding me every time I eat breakfast or prepare the kids’ tea, without me ever feeling like she’s nagging me about it.
It can be to remind her to do stuff too, but to be honest, it’s mostly me that needs it. I still prioritise stuff, but at least if it’s up there on the board I can’t push it so far down the priority list that I forget and it falls off completely. And I do try to prioritise based on what’s important to her, as well as what’s important to me or more satisfying to accomplish (i.e. fixing stuff!).
White-boards. They can save a marriage. Well, I suppose it didn’t save mine, but it might have been a lot worse and a lot shorter without it!
Erin,
A very good point. From a man’s perspective I’d agree – a direct request works SO much better than whining and hoping he’ll pick up the hint. Whining also brings both the whiner and whined-at down, a direct request (for me at least) picks me up, an opportunity to do something that she wants done and make her life easier and happier.
What if he never does the task in question?
I asked him to do something last weekend and he said, “Why don’t YOU do it? That’s a GIRL thing to do.” Um…excuse me??? Fixing things in the house is a “MAN thing to do”. Pulling weeds is a “MAN thing to do”. I’d be surprised if he even knows how to use our drill because he never fixes anything, and the weeds get so bad before I finally have to do it myself so we don’t get a letter from the HOA (We have an arrangement where the inside of the house is my responsibility and the outside is his).
I’m sorry, but EVERYTHING isn’t the GIRL thing to do.
I get so frustrated. Perhaps weeds and broken stuff aren’t important to him, but if they aren’t, then nothing must be…well maybe except for the TV.
I’m beginning to be afraid to have kids with him, because when the tasks associated with a kid come into the picture, they’re probably not going to be important to him either. Then what?
Mary,
I’m afraid you’re right there. If he’s already chauvanist enough to think that some tasks are “Girl things to do” (which presumably includes cooking, washing up, vacuuming, washing the bath etc.) then you can be damned sure that EVERYTHING to do with a baby will be a “Girl thing to do”. And there is a HELL of a lot to do, on top of all the other stuff that’s already your job, and on top of the exhaustion and sleep deprivation that comes with the first year or two.
If he doesn’t have a change of attitude, you’re right to be worried. Either that or you get in a cleaner (and when you have a child a nanny or au pair too), and he has to pay for it, because earning money to support his household is a “Man thing to do”!
Here is an idea as well that could be helpful. The question may be is how do you ask the hubby/wife to do anything? Is it in a frustrated tone? One of the fastest ways to make sure a husband/wife doesn’t do something that needs to be done is to ask “when are you going to do x, y, or z? I feel like you do nothing to contribute around here & I do everything”. Now it has gone from a request for a real need to be done to an attack on his/her ability to get anything done. Whereas if a spouse ask….”honey I need something done that is very important for both of us, could you please do x, y, & z? Because of a time deadline it really needs to be done by Sunday “. The reason I say Sunday is if it goes past that date it will be harder to do it after the weekend when both are busy with work, school & sports activities for the kids etc.
Then I love the idea of rienforcing the whole thing with a whiteboard. That is excellent! I am one of those forgetful people. With everything I have to do as a caregiver, my job, doing all the laundry, cooking, the shopping it is really difficult to remember more added stuff. My beloved used to get so frustrated & WOULD nag. Nothing worked better at me not doing something just out of sheer frustration & being made to feel like I was failing.
NOBODY likes to be nagged & will rebel against the nagger. I did….lol In the naggees mind it becomes “damn I do so much which he/she must not appreciate. So much so that he/she will never be happy at anything I do so why bother. It wont be good enough anyway”. While it may be the case that the nager actually does do more of the stuff the naggee just doesn’t see that. But reminding the nagee of that fact will only make it worse..lol
Another thing that can cause big roblems is the time frame something gets done. Some spouses are just the everything needs to be done NOW type person. That may work well for one but not the other. 99% of stuff really can wait a day or two. But to that type person they get frustrated as to why they can do everything immediatly but their spouse can’t. We have to realize that two people just have different ways of doing things. One isn’t better than the other. Just different. In the end it still gets done…lol
But since my started leaving list & putting on the list when it needs to be done I can now remember to get it done on time. When she needs to verbally request something she has learned to watch her tone & words. Now almost nothing doesn’t get done. Anyway just my theory. It worked for my beloved & I.
I try really hard to keep my requests to a minimum and send e-mail/calendar reminders (because that’s what works for DH). Bigger issues – like SD’s preparation for the SATs, volunteer work, etc. – I bring up occasionally when I have information that I think he’d like to be aware of (such as, “Someone offered me some SAT books. Do you think you could use them?”). I also find that the low-key perspective I only have when I get enough sleep can make all the difference. And disengagement. (Oh, Disengagement, you are sometimes the only thing that allows me to continue life as a stepparent.)
Real-world consequences can often be great teaching tools as well… but I find I have to make the decision ahead of time about what the worst case scenario is and whether or not I can live with that. If, for example, the homeowner’s association fined us or torched our car or whatever the homeowner’s association does when they get mad, could I live with that this time? Or would it make more sense to say, “DH, listen, if the trash cans stay on the curb too long one more time, they’re going to set our car on fire and then you’re going to have to carry me to work on your back”?
Branching out, I’ve sometimes had to be creative with nagging in regards to my stepdaughter. Sometimes, when I’ve been nagging her for weeks to do something like make a path from her door to her bed (not even clean the room, mind you, but kick stuff aside so that she doesn’t trip), there are unexpected consequences such as, “Well, you didn’t move the stuff in your room like I asked you to fifteen times, so I did it for you. My hourly rate is $60 and it took me 10 minutes. I’ll take cash, check or manual labor.” It doesn’t translate 100% to spousal interactions, but at least then the deed is done, there’s a real-world consequence for not listening, and she typically chooses cash.
Dang Lauren. I wish I would have thought of the part about your teen when my step daughter was that age & living with us.
This is such a great site. And such a great reminder. I think a lot of it is putting stuff out there in a place our spouses will really see it. Example: My husband used to tell me all the time when I was showering, “Hey, we’re out of milk.” #1 He’d be annoyed. How could I forget that? #2 I’d be annoyed for being nagged and want to say, “Dude, get it yourself if it’s so important.” But then I figured, “No, it’s my job… the shopping. But he can put it some place I’ll remember.” So now he writes it down on the fridge. Soooo much better. No nagging! We have milk!
I am going to disagree today. I’ve just realized that the difference in my household is that my husband says things as a proclamation and things get done. I’ve been so overly criticized for nagging that I’ve become this meek, please can you and honey do you think you could remember to, over and over and over. I think I need to say “Honey the temperature has steadily been dropping for a while now and I need that bag of winter clothes. The next time you go to the garage for anything please come back in with my bag. You’ll easily recognize it, it’s clear and has sweaters and pants in it,” with the expectation that I can then get indiginant if it’s not done.
Teresa,
I have no problem with your approach. A direct, simple request is better for me than tip-toeing around with “would you mind…” and “I don’t suppose you could…”. In fact, in your example, an even simpler “Could you get the bag of winter clothes from the garage next time you’re out there?” would be even better, the reason is obvious and it doesn’t need explanation (which can come across as a whinge or complaint that it wasn’t done sooner).
Complaining about feeling cold with the hope that a guy will take the hint and go and get the clothes without specifically being asked just doesn’t work! Meanwhile the complaining just adds negativity into the relationship, for both sides.
Richard, I’m thinking the white-board is a much better idea. Thanks.
A really interesting topic, and one that can cause a lot of stress in relationships. In my former marriage my then wife for many years used to frustrate the hell out of me by ‘moving the goalposts’ all the time – she’d come up with a verbal list of things she wanted done, so I’d start on something, then the prioritiy would change. In the end I said she needed to write the list down, set the priority and I’d work to that, but she couldn’t change part way through. I think I was pretty reliable at getting things done, but it never seemed enough.
My new partner of over 2 years thinks I do too much, and she’d like me to relax more which is wonderful! I’m a pretty keen handyman, so still do lots of projects, but it’s great to be appreciated now!
A Blissful nag? I have not been able to do this yet sorry to say. It still drives me crazy when hubby doesn’t do things that we all know are his to take care of. He doesn’t want me to do them. He doesn’t want me to hire someone to do them. But he doesn’t do them either. He does a whole lot ot thinking about how to do the project but never actually gets to it. Usually how it gets done is that I start the project, whatever it may be, then he jumps in to take over because I am not doing it right. It is just exhausting sometimes! I do try to think of it as a game – seeing how long it will take. And then compare that to how long it takes for him to jump in and “fix” whatever I have started. This is much better than the way I used to deal with it. I used to yell and nag. Now I wait, impatiently yes, but I wait pretty quietly with only occasional reminders :0 Guess I am getting better at this
FINALLY!!! REAL marriage advice that comes off real. THANK YOU!!! It is so nice to read a post that actually inspires me to do better rather than makes me feel like crap for not being perfect. Where has this blog been all of my marriage?! Thank goodness I finally found it now