Right around this time of year, I usually must confront what I have come to call The Black Hole of Depression. Like a celestial black hole, the gravitational pull is strong, and I can feel myself being sucked toward it. It can take all of my strength to stay out of it—or, at the very least, not get sucked so far into it that I can’t get back out.
And every year I tell myself stupid things like, “This year is going to be different. This year I won’t get sucked in because….”
The reasons I won’t get sucked in vary from year to year. This year the reasons were:
1. I just went to Italy. How could I possibly be unhappy after being in Italy?
2. I love all of the authors I’m working with and everything I’m writing. How could I possibly be unhappy?
3. I’m meditating regularly. I’m cured. How could I possibly get depressed?
Well if you suffer from chemical depression, then you know: this sort of thing is pretty much unrelated to what’s going on in your life. With chemical depression, you could have just won the lottery, found out that Jon Stewart, Barack Obama and Simon Baker all want to marry you, gotten on the scale and discovered that you’re 20 pounds lighter despite the chocolate cake you ate the night before, and have looked in the mirror to discover that all of your wrinkles and cellulite has magically disappeared, too. No matter. You’d still feel crummy.
Which is why, yesterday, I found myself saying the following to my husband in one rapid-fire sentence without a single punctuation mark. Like this:
I thought I wasn’t going to get depressed this year but now I think it’s inevitable I don’t know why I always seem to focus on the one or two things that don’t go right instead of the 6 things that did go right I keep dwelling on the negative instead of the positive and I know I need to focus on the positive but the negative is there and it’s strong and it’s shaking me and it’s telling me that everything about me and my life sucks and that I should just sit in the recliner and stare into space and eat a bunch of chocolate chip cookies while I’m at it I don’t know what to do about it I’m already meditating and I exercise and I do all of the natural things that I’m supposed to be doing I used my light box today but that didn’t really help but I guess maybe it did a little because I wasn’t depressed all day just some of the day and I feel better right now because I just told you all of this even though I’m worried that right about now you are wishing you married someone else.
Oh, and one more thing. I feel fat.
We happened to be outside. After saying all of that, he asked, “You’re depressed?”
“Yes.”
He hugged me. Then he took me by the shoulders and he turned me around.
“It’s a beautiful day,” he said. He forced me to look at the beautiful day.
Then he walked to the garden and he picked me a tomato. He handed it to me.
“Eat it,” he said.
I did. I love tomatoes.
I felt better. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
I have come to learn that a bad mood is a lot like a bad marriage. It’s a lot more bearable if you talk about it. Too often we hold things inside—for fear that others wouldn’t like us or would think less of us if they knew about them.
You know what? Holding it all inside is for sissies. Sure, it takes bravery to talk about weaknesses and perceived failures, but it’s worth it. It’s only after bearing it all that we can find out just how much our loved ones really love us.
It’s only when we admit to feeling weak that we can become strong.
I know this, but it’s not easy. As I’ve written about before, my natural inclination is to keep it all to myself. When I’m in the dark place, every ounce of my being is telling me to just stay inside, keep to myself and avoid all of humanity.
Yet when I do venture outdoors and confront humanity, that’s when I feel better. I wave to the other dog walkers in the neighborhood, and I feel better. I chat with the other parents as we all walk our kids to school, and I feel better. I call a friend or a business associate, and I feel better.
I write a post about feeling depressed, and I feel better.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
What if doing all of that doesnt help? What if you are SO conflicted about what you know you have to do, to be happy that it is adding more weight to your shoulders. What if you are will to sacrifice your personal happiness to make your daughter happy? What if talking doesnt make what you have to do any easier?
Excellent post as always Alisa. It is SO timely for me right now. I am struggling with many things right now causing the worst depression I have ever known. So Sabrina I wish I had an answer for you as well. But I took many great things I can apply from what you wrote here. Sometimes I just need a reminder that it really could be worse. At times it may seem like it couldn’t get worse but it always could. One lesson I learned in life is to never raise your hands to heaven & say “God what else can happen”? The reason is you will soon get an answer
Ron
Opps forgot to check the box AGAIN…LOL
I have been suffering too. Yesterday you couldnt even look at me and I would cry. I tend to write down all my feelings on paper then throw it out well after I have read it a couple of times because it sounds ridiculous. then I get outside.I have a lot of emotions right now. I am not sure about my life and I guess I have some flashbacks of old memories. Not good. My new saying is This too shall pass!!! It has too. I flood my mind with other things to get through it. the house really gets cleaned then! LOL!
Sabrina–I don’t know the specifics of what you are struggling with, but I do know that whenever I’ve felt as if something was “adding more weight to my shoulders,” it usually was not a good decision–it was usually something I thought I should do because society deemed it acceptable (or some other reason). Also, if you are happy, you will be a good mother. Whatever decision you are struggling with might have a short term fall out on your daughter, but, in the long term, she’ll be better off because you did what was right for you.
I always find that after a big high I come crashing down and dwell in the blues for a bit. I tend to do as Lisa does repeat again and again that this too will pass. I have also been known to veg out on television comedy channel to jolt my mood out from the doldrums.
Sabrina I understand. Giving up your happiness for some one is hard especially if it is your child, but in times like that you could focus on the positives or things that you are grateful for. And yes there is always sometime that you can be grateful for.
Gayle´s last [type] ..Freaky Little Nicole
It is hard for me now to contemplate walking away from a marriage, when I am the person that now has to walk away.
I was contemplating whether to share this or not, but why not, maybe it will help someone else:
My husband left me in March because he wasnt happy. About 4 months later, he begged to come back, so i dismissed the divorce (20/20 hindsight, bad move) and he came back home for us to be a family again. About 3 weeks after he came back home, i got a text from a woman saying she is pregnant with his child and the kicker, it was supposedly all planned. So i am dumbfounded, not sure what to do. Eventually I decide to wait till she gives birth and get a paternity test. Fast forward to this weekend – I found out he was still in contact with this girl against my wishes, but he was only doing so to discuss the pregnancy. (Note, this weekend, he was in FL with a friend). When he got back from Florida I went through his cell phone and saw text messages from him to a co-worker stating that he was unfaithful while he was there. I completely freak out, and slap him in front of my daughter, which i immediately regret. I take my daughter to school, come back for his cell phone so that i could return it and not be liable for it, he comes after me for it, wrestles me for it. So i try to fend him off and kick and do whatever i can to keep him away from me (he does karate, so i wasnt going to allow him to get his hands on me). He then proceeds to threaten to send me to jail because he has the bruises to prove it and threatens to take my daughter awy because he doesnt trust me with her.
I consider, because my mother encouraged me, to work things out for the sake of my daughter. But I know that I can not. And that is what is killing me. That I will be the one walking away and my daughter will suffer for it. I almost feel like i should stay and be the one to suffer so she will have her father around. But that isnt healthy. And this is the weight on my shoulders.
@Sabrina: My heart goes out to you. You are a saint to put so much emphasis on what you think is best for your daughter, but in truth, she will see you staying with a man who doesn’t show you respect through his actions. She could come to believe that a marriage where Mom is unhappy is the norm. What Alisa said is very true: if you are happy (even if you have to do something that’s tough for your daughter in the immediate future), you are bound to be a better mother in the long run than if you are unhappy and continue to sacrifice yourself.
@Drummer Guy: I have my fingers crossed for you, too. I had the kind of day where I almost – almost! – let myself think, “Okay, let’s just get whatever else the universe has in store out of the way, so that we can move onward and upward…” but I didn’t. It was a close call, though.
@Alisa: Thanks for this post, too. Your writings are always so relevant. My time of year is February, I think, and it’s hard to know what to do. Reaching out and asking for help is almost always the best step I can take.
This is a great post. When you feel really lousy, it seems like you have to do something big to change big, bad feelings. However, just “stating the obvious” (and being heard!) can make all the difference. I like the straightforward simplicity–nothing fancy. And as you say, it can seem weak to let it all out (as you did), but it isn’t. It’s honest and courageous…and it really does help.
Great Post!!
People are supposed to like happy posts and maybe there’s something about me that is weird but I love reading posts from writers I admire about their bad days. Somehow it makes mine easier to bear.
I have suffered from depression in the past but have always seemed able to pin point the issue, even though it was supposed to be chemical. Lately it’s been time management but a drink with a friend yesterday might have just solved that for me.
As the adult child of divorced parents I would have been MUCH better off had my parents divorced when my father started cheating. As Lauren so correctly stated, you grow up thinking a Dad that cheats and isn’t around is the norm. You have no example of a tender, give and take relationship and this creates real confusion. If you are both committed to your daughter than do what you can to salvage a relationship where your daughter can have one birthday party every year with both of her parents in attendance and you can both come to her school events, etc. She will be better off seeing you both in healthy relationships with other people than terrorizing each other for her sake (guilt she will have to deal with later).
As usual Alisa, you post about a subject I really need to read right when I need it. Today was a crappy day–didn’t occur to me that I might already be having seasonal depression. I’ve been fighting back tears and didn’t want to talk to hubby because I feel silly for feeling bad when there’s no real reason to… thank you for sharing your feelings.
Shauntelle´s last [type] ..Inspired by Life- An Interview with Bonvivant Design’s Mirjam Spronk
Is October depression month? I’ve been depressed the last couple of weeks. It’s not the weather – we’ve had sunshine. I should be happy, I’m another year older come Monday and I still haven’t been diagnosed with a terminal illness (my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at 44 1/2 and died at 50 and 2 weeks – it’s a big deal with me – she had her first breast cancer surgery on my 15th birthday). But it seems I get depressed around this time of year no matter what is going on in my life. And on the 15th of October husband and I will be married 5 years. I should be flying. NOT!
I’m glad you’re writing about it, Alisa. I haven’t ventured into sharing with my husband I’m depressed. I don’t know if he’d understand.
I don’t take meds, because I can usually get out of my depression within a month, about the same time that it would take medicine to kick in. And I don’t believe in being on meds for the 2 – 3 times a year I get depressed for 1 – 4 weeks. I’ve been taking my Vit D and Omega 3.
I’m not only feeling fat, I am fat. I’m roughly 30 pounds heavier than I was 5 years ago. I truly believe TX makes a person fat. And I don’t even eat the way a lot of Texans eat – no donuts, don’t live on fried anything, etc. Working out with a very expensive personal trainer didn’t help me lose weight. And I don’t believe a person can gain 3 – 5 pounds in muscle weight in 6 weeks. Sorry, not buying that one!
I sure hope we all get over our depression.
WOW…if this post was written for me? I so feel the same way. I get depressed often and have struggled with it for years. I do take medication, which has helped but it does not completely relieve me of the symptoms. My mind constantly races with so many thoughts, that it tires my physical being to the point of exhaustion. I have always been been very open and honest about my stuggles with depression. Thank you so much for writing this post and sharing with the world. Have a blessed day all.
Kathy: I couldn’t help but think you need to create and market bumper stickers like…
Texas: it’s what’s for dinner
Texas: making people fat since we gained statehood
Texas: don’t mess with our steaks and fries or we’ll shoot you
Okay, that’s enough. It’s really normalizing to see how many of us struggle with this–and at the same time of year. Wow.
Alisa Bowman´s last [type] ..How to Stay Positive
My father used to get depressed when he started hearing the kids roller skating (usually in October after the summer heat had passed). For me, like Lauren, my time of year is late winter (late February/early March). I know this because I keep a journal, and when I go back to the entries beginning in those months, there it is: “Gee,” I say,”nothing is wrong in my life, and I feel awful.” This always surprises me, because I hate winter, and if I got depressed now and it lasted through the winter, I would understand the mechanism better. Alisa’s advice is good: talk about it. The other good advice I received from a behaorist therapist: “don’t listen in.” Or, as we say in the Bronx, fuggeddaboudit. The trick is to go about your business anyway, and sometimes the damn mood lifts because you give it no power.
Alisa, those were too funny. But I can’t “mess with TX”, we’re all packin’ around here. I could be shot. And believe it or not, we are NOT the fattest state in the nation.
My husband would rather be with himself than anyone else in the world.
WIth my husband, everything else is first before me. Yes, I think everything. Mostly him.
What an admirable, courageous post! I struggle with depression too, sometimes, and you’re right, Alisa–sometimes, no matter how much good is going on in our lives–depression just creeps its way back in. It sucks that it does, but sometimes it does.
I think giving yourself permission to be depressed and just go with it for a few days–not weeks on end, but just recognizing that “hey, I’m feeling depressed” and keeping your daily routines and habbits anyway, helps me. Eventually, it lifts–slowly but surely. I have to take meds for it, but for me, they help a lot. I hate that I have to take them, but I feel so much better when I do.
Lately, thank God, I haven’t been feeling depressed–but around the week before last–I was a complete mess. My October is great so far, my September was not at all great. I battled depression the whole month and it was just difficult (outside circumstances added to it too). I decided to take things into my own hands and just try and feel better….opertaive word being TRY….
I started going to a meditation class (it’s helping tremendously and I LOVE it!), I’m doing a bit of Tai Chi, writing again and talking with my friends. Even though I consider myself an independent person, I realized that my girlfriends are my life line and not talking to them does NOT help me.
I get depressed off and on throughout the year–usually in January, after the holidays (I love Christmas and my bdays in December, so come January, it’s all over and I gotta wait a whole year again–even though the years fly by now, still, nothing in January excites me–except my husband’s birthday!). Depression in the dead of winter isn’t uncommon, that’s when I get mine, I despise the cold weather.
October, however, is one of my favorite months, I love everything about it–the cooler weather (in Vegas that means not sweating through my clothes while walking to my car), the leaves, the heavier food, the pumpkins, Autumn Aromas, loved ones’ birthdays, the weather (I know I said that 2x’s now), fall fashion–I just love it!
I know that S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is very real, mine just takes longer to kick in.
Sabrina, I am sorry for what you’re going through. Being the one to leave, no matter how right or justified it is, is never easy. It is a difficult decision, for everyone involved. But, I agree with the others, your daughter will be better off when she has a happy mother who stayed true to herself. Having the courage to do what YOU know is right will be a much better example for her than staying in a marriage you’re clearly not happy in and cannot make work. It’s not like you did not try, I think everyone tries their hardest before making that choice to leave. As for your daughter being from a “broken home,” please don’t worry so much about it. Not having my father in my life at the time that he wasn’t messed me up a lot less than if he had been in it. One full, able mind, body and happy parent is better than two miserable, unhappy, spiteful ones. That’s honestly my opinion. I hope things get easier for you, you definitely have good reasons to be depressed–major life changes can drum up depression like nothing else. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m sorry the rest of you all have been feeling depressed–depression is an awful thing that can rob you of so much. I agree with GroovyGranny–if possible, try not to give it too much power–do what you gotta do–take medicine if you need to and just take it easy and be kind to yourself. None of us is perfect and sometimes, life is hard. Sometimes it’s hard for no good reason. We do need to try and stay positive, but we can’t beat ourselves up when we don’t–sometimes we just can’t, and that’s okay. We’re human.
Positivity begets more positivity, but a bold face lie of “everything is fine” is one place where silence is NOT golden. I believe honesty with ourselves and our feelings is the first step to the positive direction towards healing!
I hope you all feel better soon, I’m sending you all positive thoughts and much prayer!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
By the way, Alisa…
I don’t know if there’s such a thing as Post–Trip depression, but considering there’s post partum, post marriage and post-trauma…perhaps there IS such thing as a post-vacation-of-a-lifetime depression. It’s just a thought.
The only way you could be depressed just having returned from Italy is that you’re not STILL in Italy….I’m just saying.
I absolutely loved what your husband did–making you eat a tomato and turn around to face, and see, the beautiful world before you! What a sweetheart!
I agree with you that reaching out to others when we are feeling depressed is absolutely crucial, even though it’s that last thing we want to do.
For me, I still reach out if I feel one ounce of positivity within me. If I’m feeling depressed, I tell people about it, I talk about it, and it does help–a lot. Usually someone else is too, and that makes is nice that we’re not all alone and can battle it together–there’s comfort in groups and commonality.
The only time I don’t reach out is if I’m on a “stinkin’ thinkin” kick–to me, there is still a difference between being depressed and being outright 110% negative all the time. They are two different things and while chemical depression can rob a person of all positive feelings what so ever, I will not reach out to my friends when I have NOTHING nice or positive to say. No, that’s not true, at that time, I reach out to TWO friends only–they know me, the real me and they let me be negative and then I get past it. I don’t reach out to ALL my friends during fits of stinkin’ thinkin’ negativity because everyone has enough of that. I don’t want to add to it overall, you know? The rest of the world still gets the depressed Sarah, but not the “life sucks, why bother?” negative stinkin’ thinkin’ Sarah.
Anyway, you’re also right that we need to share our depression with our spouses. We cannot depend on our spouses to fix it for us, but we can depend on them to be a helpful ear, or hand if need be.
Depression is an illness that affects so many people today and plenty of marriages too–my own included. It’s such an important topic that needs to be talked about honestly…thank you for doing that, Alisa.
I’m so glad writing this post made you feel better, I hope you continue too!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Okay. So two lessons from my life on how to handle depression: 1.) When I felt depressed, in France, in late October, often it had to do with a lack of magnesium in my diet. 2.) Depression sometimes only lifts if you ignore it, like go to a funny movie, get active and do something outside. This being said, I agree with Sarah Liz. I think you are experiencing a down period to to withdrawal from Italy …
I think part of the reason I get depressed is that I have no friends to reach out to in real life and talk about things with. I’m a very shy person until you get to know me (then I don’t shut up). When I am feeling depressed, I try to think of the positive things in my life and always end up back at the negative ones like no friends, being overweight, etc. However, it only lasts a couple hours, then my husband gets home or I play with my dogs and I feel better.
Around February this year I was battling with ongoing depression and anxiety literally every day for no good reasons that I could think of. I had to convince myself that being on medication was not the same as being weak. So I got on Lexapro, and it was like a switch flipped in my brain. I felt normal again. I was my usual happy self at work and I loved it. We want to have kids some day soon so I recently quit taking the medication and I’m still feeling good. And after reading this article and thinking back on it, I always seem to get depressed a bit in October too.
For the first time on the past three/four years I’m struggling too. These last years, it seemed like depression was something I have passed through – clearly an ilusion.
I’ve been attending psychodrama sessions, but we’ve stopped for summer hollidays ’till next Wedesday. It helps a lot and I use to feel better after attending it for some period of time. For people who don’t know it, psychodrama is a therapeutic group consisting on at least two psychiatrist and a group of people who need help and want to talk about their issues. On each session the leading psychiatrist asks a few people to dramatize (kind of a small theatre) about a theme that someone brought up, under certain rules. Then everyone else is involved, commenting on the drama.
It’s nice to have a blog to write about this. Thank you, Alisa & everyone.
@ Sabrina, I am so sorry to hear of your trials. They call it heartbreak for a good reasons. It really does feel as though your heart is breaking. Like many others have said you could look at it like this. Leaving will actually be what is BEST for your daughter. I was concerened to hear of how your arguments turned physical. It doesn’t matter which one did it first. Except in rare cases of self defense & to “get her off of you long enough to get away”, A man never has the right to hit his wife.
If you look up the stats most women who end up in abusive relationships were the daughters of abused mom’s. I am sure those same moms thought they were doing right by staying in the marriage for ‘their daughters sake”. But by staying, they were setting an example that will carry over into her marriage. It could make her think that husbands who become physical is what marriage is supposed to be. She could also learn that husbands who cheat, & even worse, produce a child in an affair is normal for marriage. It is important for our children to learn what a healthy marriage is & they learn what is modeled for them by their parents.
I am so thankful & so blessed to have been raised by parents who modeled for me what a marriage of love & dedication to each other are all about. In my fathers latter years, & after a series of strokes, my mom modeled for me what those vows of “For better or for worse & In sickness & in health” were all about. As most here know I am sole caregiver to a terminal wife. While I do fall short & make mistakes I learned from my parents what to do & how to handle this situation. They never had to tell me. They lived it by example.
We live in a society that says “well it is to tough to do all that so leave”. Or “well this is effecting my happiness so just leave”. I often wonder if I had not had the example set by my parents if I would have stayed? MANY people have told me I should leave. But whenever I begin to doubt or have such thoughts all I need do is remember what my parents did.
So while it is right to wonder about what effect it would have on our children to leave, the effect that staying could have on them may be even more harmful. We can tell our children over & over what a healthy marriage is all about. But what they really learn is what they see. Not here to tell you what to do. I am also usually one to say do everything one can to make it work. EXCEPT in the cases of abuse or constant cheating. Just giving you some food for thought. I do hope in whatever path your life takes you find true happiness & peace.
Sincerely
Ron
Oh & I remembered something that may help others in “Staying Positive”. Like I stated before most here know what I deal with daily. With everything on my plate depression can be a real BIG issue. I guess it must be human nature for most of us to dwell on the negative. I know very few people who don’t. In even the most normal of circumstances it is easy to dwell on the negative & forget about all the positive we all have in our lives. But even in the worst of circumstances we all have SOMETHING positive going on. Be it our kids, our church, our pets we all have something positive to be happy for.
So something I learned through all these trials is to do something for somebody else. You can volenteer at a hospital, give time in service at your church, do something at a local oginazation that helps the handicapped. You don’t have to work in a church setting but in every community they have some sort of group that is dedicated to making the lives of the less fortunate a little better.
What I learned from this is that no matter HOW bad it may seem for us there are ALWAYS others in more need than us. It makes us turn from focusing on our problems to realizing just how lucky we are. There is an old saying about “I used to complain that I had no shoes until I met the man who had no feet”.
My beloved throughout her illness has had every right to feel sorry for herself. For a long time she did just that. She reached a level of a really dark depression almost to the point of suicide. Well about a year ago she started volenteering for a local orginization that helps the mentally hadicapped. She teaches art one day a week to her students. People always say what a sweet person she is for doing it. They say how blessed “her kids” (they are actually adults but with the mind of kids) are to have her. In truth SHE is the one who gets blessed by what she does. It has so lifted her spirits. It refocused her from all her problems & gave her a passion she had lost.
Now doing all this may not aliviate all depression but you would be surprised at how much better we feel when we help others. We don’t spend as much time thinking about our problems. Most of all it makes us very grateful for all the blessings we all have in life. Anyway not trying to hold us up as an example. Lord knows we still have our faults & still face tough issues. Just passing along something my beloved & I have found to be helpful in difficult times & helps to stay positive.
Ron
Glad you ate the tomato, looked at the sky, talked…and felt better. I’m so with you on this, though. Understand completely and totally. For me, the low moods start just as soon as summer ends. I so dread the dreary winters…and my moods are hugely affected by them. But I keep doing some good old self-talking, telling myself what is GOOD with the world rather than what is BAD. Sometimes it helps and sometimes I just have to wait for some clearing in the distance – but it always comes.
Sheryl´s last [type] ..Celiac Disease- You’re Never Too Old
A very thought-provoking blog, and it’s been extremely interesting (if at times somewhat difficult) to read through everyones experiences.
Sabrina – I really feel for you as it is a very tough and heart-wrenching situation. Many of us over the various blogs have reiterated the belief that we should do EVERYTHING possible to save and restore our marriages, but the exceptions to this is when there are truely destructive elements, and your story highlights there are a number of these, with violence and infidelity immediately coming to mind. I believe in those situations you really are best to leave, both for the sake of your daughter but also yourself. I hope you can find a way through this pain.
There are various forms of depression, with situational (losing a job, illness, stress, divorce, etc) and chemical being two broad categories. I think everyone suffers from situational depression at some time or other, because in the normal course of a life things won’t always go smoothly. This can be very difficult and painful to deal with, but by trying to find positives, it can generally be overcome, given time and the right attitude – sometimes even to ‘fake it to you make it’. That is, making sure your self-talk and actions are positive, so you can pull yourself through.
Chemical depression is something quite different, and Alisa is dead right – the circumstances often have nothing to do with it. You could have just won the lottery and still fall into the abyss of depression. I now recognise I suffered from (luckily fairly mild) chemical depression during about 10 years of my former marriage, and it certainly played its part in the breakup. I now know that the symtoms I display are I get irritable and picky, and so did this with my former wife when I was suffering from it. I guess the sad bit for me, is that I now know that she knew I was depressed (she is a nurse, so understood it from a medical perspective), but I don’t remember her doing anything to help me, but instead saw it as a weakness that she couldn’t be bothered with and eventually as one of the reasons to go. However, as it’s turned out, that was a pretty good result for me, and I think my children also have a bit more stability and certainly in their lives.
Hello Alisa
another brilliant post to motivate people in life who are depressed this will surely encourage them to get happy and feel better in life. I also request fellow readers to read How To Be Happy magazine which will surely help them to get motivated as i am personally motivated by it.