A Reader Participation Post
This question came in from a reader:
My husband doesn’t want me to have male friends. I am a tomboy engineer. When I grew up, my male friends out numbered my female friends 20:1. I am also an engineer who works in a field that is 80+% men. I can understand that my husband is nervous, but we have been together 7 years. I am even willing to concede that I don’t spend time alone with other single guys. But that doesn’t seem to be enough. He says there is no reason why I should have guy friends. Well the fact is I don’t get along with most girls, and it’s really hard to meet other girls with you don’t work with any. What should I do?
When I met my husband, he was friends with a particular woman, and this friendship drove me bonkers. It did because I knew that he’d had a thing for her before he’d met me. Whenever he hung out with her, I would just simmer in my own self created jealousy pot.
We eventually had a great long talk about it. During this talk he was able to convince me of his feelings for me. It was the realization that he adored me and was completely besotted with me that allowed me to stop caring about his feelings for her. And now, years later, I can look back on that time in our relationship and see that the jealousy was my problem to solve. He really had no feelings for this woman whatsoever. I imagined his feelings for her, and I created a lot of angst for myself as a result.
Since that time, I’ve come to this conclusion: I am not going to worry about what I don’t know about. It only hurts me and my marriage to constantly be doubting my husband or worrying about his whereabouts. If he is going to have an affair, I’ll worry about that on the day I find out about it–and not a day before. What’s the point? Worrying about something that may or may not be happening doesn’t make it not happen–and it doesn’t ease the pain either.
I also believe that it’s normal for us to be attracted to members of the opposite sex from time to time. Assuming that we will never feel an attraction for someone ever again just because we are wearing a wedding band just isn’t realistic. It’s what you do with your wandering eye that’s important. If you see it as a wake up call to warm up your sex life at home, you can turn a negative into a positive.
As for advice about what to do, I would take a giant step back and talk to your husband about his fears of losing you. It’s those fears that are driving his jealousy and controlling behavior. It will be good for both of you to break him out of his comfort zone. If you can get him to see this fact, it will improve your marriage greatly.
Readers: what do you think?
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
That is actually my policy as well (helps that I am not a jealous person). I always think that I would deal with it if it happens not before.
Gayle´s last [type] ..Freaky Little Nicole
Hang out with your male friends in a group and include your husband. This way he’ll be able to see that there is nothing of which to be jealous.
I was just like you, having all male friends. As soon as my husband and I got together, I explained the history and nature of my relationships with him, AND included him in my outtings to give him a sense of comfort.
This is a very sensitive and controversial subject. You will likely get all kinds of advice. As long as you and your husband are willing to compromise, I think you’ll be okay!
I grew up with brothers. That turned into lots and lots of male friends, whether they were friends of my brothers or not. I was a complete tomboy as a child. Girls wanted to play with Barbi, I wanted to play with Tonka Toys and get dirty.
That went all the way into adulthood even after I had my daughter. But the men I’ve had relationships with aren’t so understanding. So, I now am pretty much only friends with the men that my husband and I have met together. Besides I’m not in a position to meet men – since I’m a housewife.
I do agree with the suggestions here – take your husband with you on your outings with your guy friends – he’ll see there is nothing going on (we hope). Or he may just be like Harry in “When Harry Met Sally” and think men and women can’t be friends. I hope for you both that he can see and understand that men to you are not “sexual”, they are the people you are most comfortable with.
I totally get it. Only with getting older have I gotten more comfortable with women.
Thankfully I have connected up with old guy friends on facebook – some ex-boyfriends, some just guy friends with benefits. I like a male perspective on things from a male that I’m not emotionally involved with. And most the people I bond with on message boards are guys. Thankfully hubby trusts me and knows I would never cheat on him.
I agree with the others about taking your husband with you. But, Ialso agree that jealousy and lack of trust is a surefire way to marital disaster. Sorry, it is for ANY relationship–marriage or otherwise. I have many friends aside from my husband–two of them are men–granted, those men live in other states, but still, my husband isn’t thrilled with my continued friendship with either one of them. But, I never asked my husband to give up or trade in his friends for me, and I would never do that for him. That being said, I only talk to my male friends once in a great while now, and I have never–not once–bad mouthed my husband to my guy friends…..my girlfriends, sometimes yes, but never my guy friends. But, the point is, I think the jealousy IS your husband’s issue, but you do play a role in earning and keeping his trust. If you have never given your husband a reason to doubt you (as I haven’t) than just keep doing what you’re doing, just include your husband a bit more. At the end of the day, you need to do what is right for you–if you are “forced” to give up all your friends, you will become a very unhappy person, and that does not make for a good wife. Explain your feelings to your husband, be willing to LISTEN to his, and try and compromise on the situation. Ask him how he would like it if you ridiculed his choice of friends, or asked him not to see them, you know–part of marriage is being able to see things from the other persons’ point of view. Good luck and stay true to who YOU are!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Thanks for this post, Alisa. I really liked this thought: “If you see it as a wake up call to warm up your sex life at home, you can turn a negative into a positive.”
“Talk to your husband about his fears of losing you.” That’s great advice. If you can do that successfully, it’s sure to deepen the relationship.
I have always had more male friends … hubby has always had more female friends, so I guess for us it’s an easier situation.
I completely agree with Alisa – Use it as a way to “grow” your marriage, learn from it, but don’t “borrow trouble”, it only ever brings heartache. I truly wish you the best.
I Love your comment about turning a negative into a positive, Alisa – absolutely totally & completely true. Turning any negative into a positive is always a good thing, JMO
Hi Alisa-
I love reading your posts. They are typically right on target for me and I feel as if I totally relate to you. Unfortunately, I am having a very difficult time with this one. Mainly because I am in the midst of crisis dealing with pain, anger, sadness and much more due to finding out last week about my husbands infidelity.
Today, I will actually come out of the sidelines and share because that is what I need to do right now even though I am in a lot of pain. Please forgive me if I offend anyone because I truly am not trying to do so.
I believe that spending time alone with another person of the opposite sex is asking for trouble. Heck even spending too much time with a person of the same sex could be cause for alarm by some. I believe to be a true friend it is natural to want to be authentic with your friends and to share emotions with them. I believe that sharing emotions leads to an intimate relationship (not necessarily sexual). Intimate relationships could easily cross the line in a moment of weakness.
We are all prone to moments of weakness. These moments of weakness could then have devastating effects on many people. I know this from my recent experience. Not only am I suffering but my children, my parents, my in-laws and my husband are suffering too. The most difficult thing for me to admit is that my husbands mistress and her children are also suffering too right now due to my request to stop all contact with the mistress. At this point I do not care if she is suffering I am just stating this so people understand that many people suffer when someone steps outside of their marriage.
I know that my marriage has had its shares of problems which have been caused by both myself and my husband. Granted no infidelities on my part but problems none the less. When a marriage is suffering I believe anything can put a deep wedge into it. I just hope that any one suffering not only gets advice from Alisa whom I find to be a wonderful source but also seek professional counsel from a marriage therapist. A great marriage therapist will provide you with positive encouragement and steps to improve yourself. I believe that if you work on yourself positive things will follow into other areas of your life.
So my advice in order..
1. Seek professional advice from a marriage loving counselor who teaches individual growth, provides positive reinforcement, and who assigns stepping out of your comfort zone advice while guiding you at your own pace.
2. Work on improving yourself – read positive self help books for yourself, marriage self help books and family/child rearing self help books. (read in moderation)
3. Read Alisa’s PHEA for laughter, advice and real life accounts of her life and others. Thanks Alisa- you have been a positive reinforcement in my life.
Karen–I can’t see how your heartfelt comments could possibly offend anyone. I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through, but I am also warmed to know that you felt comfortable coming here for comfort. And I hope others here will follow suit and provide both the sounding board and loving support you need right now. With a lot of marital issues (such as this opposite sex friend thing) there are always shades of gray, and every marriage puts those shades of gray in a different area. Your gray area is now always going to be broader than mine, for instance, precisely because you’ve gone through this.
I talk about the gray area because none of this is black and white, which is why the whole topic is so ripe for discussion. For instance, I think most of us know that there are some members of the opposite sex who are like siblings to us–we have zero sexual attraction for them and would not be able to feel frisky toward them if someone paid us. (It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them… just that the chemistry isn’t there). There are others who are more dangerous–the attraction is SO there. These that the relationships that will test a marriage and will either help it grow or destroy it.
I’m so sorry that your husband made the wrong decision and allowed such a relationship to do serious damage to your marriage. It always saddens me to read about infidelity because it truly does hurt every single person involved.
Karen,
I am so sorry about your husband’s infidelity.
You are right though, a breech of trust–be it large or small–has a rippling affect on everyone, and one moment of weakness can lead to disaster for everyone involved.
I am glad, though, to see you are not just pointing fingers saying “it’s ALL his fault”. (Maybe it was, but from your post, I didn’t get that impression.)
I see so many spouses who are cheated on (men and women) do that, and sure, in some cases, the cheater was just a lousy rat who wanted an easy you know what.
But, I have found that in most cases, the person who cheated thought about it long before they did it, were tempted time and time again and don’t feel great about it afterwards. Usually, it’s something they regret doing, are not proud of, but unfortunately, cannot take back.
For the record, I have never cheated on my husband, nor has he cheated on me; but we do know a few couples who have, and we have learned from them–through their experiences.
In your case, Karen, yes, your husband is the one who stepped out of the marriage in an very in-appropiate way, and that is hurtful, sad and angering. But, I am so encouraged to see you trying to learn about yourself through it all, and take a close look at your marriage overall. That takes tremendous courage and strength, and I can’t say I’d be doing the same–I’d like to think I would, but I can’t say for sure.
I can’t imagine the pain and betrayal you must be feeling. I hope you continue to take care of yourself and find a bit of humor–whether here on PHEA or wherever you can muster it up.
I think the break down of a marriage does not happen over night, and lack of–or breech of, trust can be one of the many causes.
It takes two people to make a marriage strong and two people to put it back together, in some cases, one person has to try harder, reach further and beg for more forgiveness (and I don’t mean you!), but you know what I mean. This is true for all broken marriages, not just when they’re broken by infidelity.
I am sorry for what you are going through but so I admire your courage to share your story and stand by your convictions! You are also right that weakness can happen at any time. Every marriage, and every couple is different, but one thing we all have in common is our ability to learn from each other.
I hope you find peace and happiness down the road–whatever you decide.
Best of luck to you–hang in there.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
“I am not going to worry about what I don’t know about.”
This is exactly the words I lived by and so did my husband when he had an affair this past summer with a female co-worker.
My heart goes out to you Karen . . . We are also working on everything but I find it so difficult as my husband continues to lie about the affair and still works very closely with his affair partner.
Alisa: Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Ann
I have had a failed marriage because my wife cheated on me, so I understand that perspective as well. I am happily re-married though, and I think it is unreasonable that your husband does not want you to have male friends, unless you have given him reasons to doubt you.
I agree with the suggestions here, and I’ll go one further, saying that you should have a talk with him as gently as possible, and ask the question: have I given you any reason to doubt me?
If you have, then there may be deeper problems here that you have to work through with your husband. If you have not, then the problem really is your husband’s alone, and it is something that he will need to learn to deal with if he really cares about you and wants a deeper, more trusting relationship.
If you are the kind of woman who will cheat him, studiously avoiding having male friends is not going to prevent it from happening…
My question would be “Why is this coming up now?” Certainly if this has been your mo since before you married, and now you’ve been together for 7 years, why is he having an issue with it now? I like the idea of asking him to join you and your friends in whatever outing your having, even if it’s just lunch – give him the option to get to know everyone better.
I think any married person has to strongly consider and weigh their spouses feelings first and foremost when it comes to friendships with members of the opposite sex. One can insist that the friendship is purely platonic but you have to ask yourself which is worth more and which has a higher priority: the friendship or your marriage?
I am not saying one cannot have friends who are members of the opposite sex but rather be realistic and aware of the importance placed on that friendship and view that in light of the commitment you made to your spouse.
i too agree with asking him to join you with your hanging out time with the guys. But I also wonder, if the men-friends that your husband is threatened about are just work colleagues. Meaning that you talk about them because you see them daily in a work setting and then do not see them out side of work. The mystery of knowing names of these men, and perhaps you talking about their new car, child, home, etc but having never actually met them is letting your husband stew in “what ifs”
It almost sounds like he is threatened more by your intimacy socially than the thought of you cheating. I believe that Men have different definitions of friendship than women. Women thrive on details, and conversation where men don’t really look into details, except that of the woman they love.
for instance: my husband is majoring in knowing me – the details and the inner workings, my history, likes, dislikes…. but he isn’t that involved in learning about any other women, because I’m the one he’s into.
Maybe your husband feels that your detail oriented knowledge of other men’s lives is a threat.
and to my advice:
Transparency.
Invite him along.
Give your passwords to him (he will check at first but then with time – as he finds that his worries are unfounded – he will stop) I was the jealous one in my relationship, and the more I checked and found was sticking my foot in my mouth, the less often i checked. For me it was a matter of mending my own distrust, and his honesty and transparency helped that.
also try not to be offended by his concerns for your relationship… he’s feeling insecure, and you as his spouse are meant to be his safe haven.
Going a bit out of what’s being discussed, this post reminded me of a talk with my doctor.
At some period in my life, I mostly used to hang out with guys too. During one appoitment with my doctor, he tried to convince me about the benefits of spending time with girlfriends. Check this out:
http://south.sanfordhealth.org/classlibrary/Page/Images/files/Girlfriends Matter.pdf
I wonder about why this is an issue today? Sometimes issues of trust and fidelity come up because the spouse is having their own problems. I’d stand strong, work on your marriage and keep your eyes OPEN.
Awesome post! My husband is a little jealous of a guy I work with at school (we both work at the same school). I am really proud of my husband for voicing his concerns to me, working through a compromise, and then working on his own mind. He doesn’t bring it up any more. However: I am respectful of my husband; I don’t make it harder for him to be relaxed about it –I don’t eat lunch with the guy, I maintain physical distance, I don’t bring him up at home. Yeah, I wish my husband wouldn’t worry about it so much, but at least he was proactive and didn’t stew. And it made me realize that somewhere deep down he might also be worried because I tend to go into my own world during the school year and forget to flutter my eyes at my husband so much, so I do that more and the jealousy goes away.
And now… for another guy’s perspective. My wife has always had a lot of male friends. Every now and again I’ll have a twinge of jealousy, but I guess I’ve kind of lived by the “I am not going to worry about what I don’t know about” motto and pushed the twinge down. Sure, I’m recognizing that I get a twinge, but I’m choosing not to let it bother me unless it seems like a bigger deal. If it feels like a bigger deal, then I bring it up with my wife and we discuss it and its over with. Never really had a problem with any of my wife’s guy friends because I’ve met them before and I can see that the relationship is totally platonic. Well, that is until I met some of my wife’s work friends. Unfortunately there are two main types of guys in these types of situations: (1) Those that enjoy just being platonic friends and have no ideas about taking things further and (2) Those who are ready to take advantage when the opportunity arises. Most of my wife’s work friends seem to be in the second category. I think that’s really where jealousy can lift off for a husband: when his wife spends time with category two guys. Sure, I trust my wife, but I don’t necessarily trust them and I don’t know if I have anyone who is really “watching my back” when she hangs out with them after work. It’s still something we’re talking about together, but I don’t want to just drop the man-hammer and say something like, “You will not see them anymore”. That’s not cool and it’s not who I want to be. I wouldn’t want my wife dropping the woman-axe and say the same thing. So it can be hard sometimes to live by the “I am not going to worry about what I don’t know about” motto, but it all comes down to communication and trust. It can sometimes be hard when your wife chooses to hang out with category two guys, but you just have to trust that she’s shooting them down when they try to push the boundaries.
Alisa…WELCOME BACK!!! I hope you enjoyed your wonderful trip. I didn’t know you were back until I went to facebook. I look forward to reading & commenting on everything tomorrow when I have a chance to catch up. But briefly in good news my Beloved is doing a little better this week & was teaching art today to her mentally handicapped students. We are thrilled when these good weeks happen.
Karen, i completely feel your pain, my story is just as painful, but yesterday, it was horrible and it got physical and its just a debacle. I dont know what to do yet, but i know i need to rediscover myself and I cant let anyone get me to the point where i have a mental break and lash out.
Jealousy is one of my pet peeves for many reasons. One of which is it can be used as a means of control. I have seen it to often where jealousy is a smoke screen to tell a spouse who they can be friends with. That often escilates in other aspects of life. I E where a person ca work, what family members they can talk to etc. Even back when I was a cop in the Air Force EVERY SINGLE ONE of the abusers we had to deal with was jealous to the extreme. I’m not saying that is the case her. It is just something I have seen in the past from people.
That being said there are way to help ease the situation. As was suggested let the husband go with you in social or work situations. That way he can see for himself that everything is okay. Also I have always had female friends & my beloved has always had male friends. So it’s never been an issue with us. It comes down to trust. I believe this. If a person is going to cheat they are going to do it. It is a character thing. No amount of jealousy or controlling behavior will stop it. If anything it may push a person towards it.
I had a former co-worker who’s wife was insainly jealous. Like me he is a musician in a band & the business attracts females. It finally got so bad that felt like if he is going to be accused every day (& I do mean EVERY day) he may as well do it. He didn’t actually do it but I can understand the thought.
A couple of other tings though. I always make sure that when in mixed company it is always in groups. I am in sales & the industry is becoming more & more female oriented. I have had many invites to lunch with other females alone. They were TOTALLY innocent & nothing would happen. But to avoid even the apperence of impropriety I went in groups. Usually a mixture of male & female. I just didn’t want untrue rumors to start. people just love gossiping even when there is noting to gossip about. Also I always made sure my wife’s (first & current) knew the female friends I had & was more than welcome to participate in any work activities. That helps any concern they may have.
For me personally the ONLY time I would ever object to my wife being friends with anybody would be somebody who is destructive. By that I mean destructive behavior I E addictions, goes out to bars to look for affairs with members of the opposite sex, was an alcoholic etc. Those friends could be male or female. I would only object if I felt her safety was an issue. Also as most here know I am a drummer in a rock band. As I stated the industry attracts female fans. Some are a little flirty & forward. We have to be polite to them as they buy our C D’s, tickets to our shows etc. Basicly they are why we get paid…lol. BUT they also know that it goes no farther than a “thanks for coming to the show” type thing. My beloved knows she can totally trust me. She is more than welcome to go to any show we do. So being with somebody who is jealous is NOT an option for me. Best of luck.
Ron
I agree with Sully….it’s not always about not trusting your spouse, it’s about being able to trust the OTHERS around your spouse.
Let’s face it, there are people out there who have no problem taking someone else’s someone–married or not–and it’s THOSE people that threaten a marriage (or any relationship).
That being said, not my husband, but my ex-boyfriend–accused me ALL the time of cheating on him. I never did, and moreover, I never had the time to do it–I was in school full time and with him pretty much every minute I wasn’t. So, there was honestly never the the time or opportunity to cheat.
Eventually though, I had to end it with that boyfriend, because the jealousy and endless questions (no matter what I did) got to be too much! After that relationship, I said “never again”.
And I agree with Andrew also, if someone is going to cheat–they’re going to cheat, period. In most cases, it IS a character thing, but being nagged and nagged about it, accused of it and shut out from the relationship entirely can make even the most character-full person look at cheating.
I never did cheat on that boyfriend, but I DID think, time and time again….”Why don’t I? He thinks I am anyway, so why not just do it?” I just couldn’t. I’m glad I didn’t too. I can look back on that time and be proud of how I handled myself.
Ron (Drummer Guy) is also right….platonic opposite sex friendships are fine–just don’t make them look suggestive. Keep it casual and in groups and don’t put yourself in the position of having the opportunity to cheat.
Ron’s also totally correct about jealousy ad accuastions leading to abuse. So often, jealous behavior comes from–or leads too–abuse.
My ex never was verbally abusive or laid a hand on me, not once–but it is true that someone who can’t control their jealousy/possesiveness might not be able to control other things too–their temper a d attittude. It’s just a thought.
Jen was also right, often a persons’ insecurities about someone else has more do with themselves than others.
At the end of the day, only the two people in the marriage can decide what is right for them. But I hope we have all helped and offered a little bit of useful advice.
And Ann, I’m sorry you’re facing the same situation Karen is. You are absolutely right in not (again) allowing someone or some situation to get the best of you. NO ONE is worth your mental sanity, overall health and kindness towards the world. Stay strong, learn some calming down techniques and hang in there. We are all sorry for you and we’re all here for you.
What a great little community we have here!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Sarah Liz I think we found something we can disagree about…lol We do have to be careful about trusting others who are around our spouse. You are so right in that there are people who get some kind of sick kick out of persuing a married person. But for me personally, it still comes down to trusting our spouse. Almost every husband/wife will over a long marriage run into this situation. But it is still our spouse who says yes or no. No pursuer can kidnap them, tie them up & force them to have sex. Well unless they are into that kid of thing…LOL.
For me personally that goes right back to character. Also goes back to we have to trust our spouse to make good judgements & not put themselves in a situation where they could give into temptation. To think that a spouse will never, ever be tempted or have a brief attraction to somebody is unrealistic. Most people think that “well since they are married to me then they should never, ever be attracted to another, because they love me”. While it is a great fantasy it denies human psychology. Attraction even when married is just human nature. The difference comes in at, do we have the character to not give into a brief infatuation & recognize it for what it is? It is a brief fantasy that we have to recognize would be completely destructive to our marriage.
It is human nature find somebody else attractive or good looking. I would never expect my wife to not EVER be attracted to another man. To not be she would have to be blind. Hey there are guys out there a lot better looking than me…lol But I have to trust that my wife would not put herself in any situation that could damage our marriage. If I can’t do that then I married the wrong person & a person who doesn’t have the character to not give into temptations.
On the other side of that before she became so ill she was an absolutely STUNNING woman. Yes she will always be my beautiful bride but I digress. I always knew that other men, many who wouldn’t care weather she was married or not would try to persue her. BUT I also know that SHE is of the character to not reciprecate. Personally I could never be married to somebody who I had to worry about the company she kept, or somebody who I had to check up on. We both know that we don’t hang out with people who don’t share our values in marriage.
Over the years I have run into a few females who showed interest. So I just had to make decisions not to give them any opportunity. Don’t take lunches together, don’t be alone with that person & when possible to just not have contact with them. Sometimes it was in a work enviorment so avoiding all contact is not possible. BUT I also would let them know that I am happily married & am NOT comfortable AT ALL with their flirty behavior & it needs to stop.
The problem comes in where a spouse lets their ego get in the way. What I mean by that is, it is flattering to have a man/woman being flirty. Especially if our spouse forgets to do those behaviors. But we have to recognize it for what it is. That it is destructive to our marriage & could not only hurt our spouse but destroy our entire family. No amount of ego stroking is worth that price.
Even if nothing happens we tend to start thinking “why doesn’t my husband/wife ever flirt with me? Why don’t they show the same interest in me”? So while it may not be a good idea to tell our spouse that “hey Mr or Mrs Flirty person is really flattering me at work & I sure do wish you would do the same”….lol. We do need to remind ourselves that it is really important that we NEVER stop dating, persuing the person we married. I realize that this is a little off topic but perhaps if we never take our spouses for granted then jealousy wouldn’t be an issue.
Sara Liz I think this is the only time I have ever disagreed with you. LOL. That’s one of the GREAT things about Alisa’s blog. We can all be friends who don’t always see eye to eye but respectfully disagree, even when the other is totally off base (that was a joke by the way..lol) I still love ya though…Uhhhh… In that TOTALLY platonic, never in company alone with you for lunch, never pursuing a married person, idle flattering, non marriage threatening, non jealousy providing for our spouses friend kind of way. I really crack me up
Many Blessings to You as well My friend
Ron
Drummer Guy, true so true!! It is always ones choice to do good or bad. I wish my husband was reading this. The price to pay for that kind of ego boost is too high. I mean seriously all one has to do is look into the eyes of his or her children provided there is no abuse and see that flattery from another and their ego are not worth it. If one could only invest more into the futures of their spouse and kids and see that this life isnt all about them. Seriously a little goes along way here. A simple no I am married. We all wouldnt have jealousy issues if we had no reason to be jealous. Although my husbands affair was emotional. An affair none the less. I cant trust him. I think he is a liar. I dont believe anything he says. I want to. I want to trust him. I want to go back and have the security I felt before.
Karen, I am sorry I know how you feel. It will help to come here and write. You will need all the support you can get. I will be glad to give you the support you need.
Lisa so very sorry to hear of your situation. If the two of you have chosen to stay together I hope you can both work it out. I have seen marriages survive affairs & latter go on to be pretty strong. But it takes a lot of forgiveness & a lot of learning. Maybe your husband learned a valuable lesson & can change the behavior that led up to this. Maybe not. Only the two of you can know & can work it out. I do wish you the best.
For me personally much of what I said has been a life learning experience. In my younger years I probably would have been much more likely to fall into such a trap. I HAVE had to learn that it isn’t all about me. But we are two people dedicated to sharing one life. Like most people as we age we learn & as we learn we become better people. Even today as a musician I face temptations. While it is nothing like it was in the 80′s & doing that whole Los Angeles Heavy Metal scene the occasional temptation is there. I am after all human but while the ego stroke may be nice it is NOT worth the hurt it would cause my beloved. I am blessed to have a loving wife who instead of jealousy in my performing supports me & trust me enough to do the thing I am so passionate about. So it comes down to two things.
1) It is SO hard to find such a wonderful wife &
2) How could I betray that trust she so freely gives.
I do wish the very best for you. Pain is pain & never easy to deal with. But through it all we become survivors & are better people for coming through it.
Be Blessed
Ron
Yeah times are tough for me right now. Believe me i have made major changes to myself and my hubby and I are working it out. I pray to God that we will be stronger getting through this. I want so badly to trust him the way I did. I hope I can. Your wife is lucky as are you. Why couldnt my husband think “How can I betray the trust my wonderful wife so freely gives me” Things would have been different. Oh well it is what it is. I just dont know how long it takes. will I trust him again?
Drummer Guy, Ron…no worries.
I don’t think we disagree as much you think we do.
I do believe in most cases, cheating IS a character thing.
But I still say no matter how much character someone has, though, there ARE those rare times and places, and people, where temptation is just too much. Many an affair started in one weak moment, at the urging of the person who wasn’t married. That’s just my opinion, again, I would not know personally.
I absolutely agree with you that finding a good spouse is hard–finding them, marrying them and keeping them, so absolutely– why louse it up for a few minutes of pleasure? You know. I’m with you there!
Oh, and this …..”that TOTALLY platonic, never in company alone with you for lunch, never pursuing a married person, idle flattering, non marriage threatening, non jealousy providing for our spouses friend kind of way.” cracked me up too, thank you!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
This is the best advice ever: “I am not going to worry about what I don’t know about.”
My husband had an affair early on in our marriage. I ended up taking him back and moving on. Only I didn’t really move on or forgive him. I harbored pain and resentment for 10 long years. I also regularly questioned and investigated him despite his repeated and consistent efforts to reassure me and prove it would never happen again.
At the same time, as a result of his own insecurities and his fear that I would someday retaliate, he became more and more jealous himself. It got to the point where I was allowing his insecurities to control me. I was a like a pavlovian dog when my cell phone rang because if I didn’t answer it I was interrogated as to why and what I was doing. I could go on and on about the ways in which I allowed him to control me.
We finally separated and ended up reconciling with the help of an amazing marriage counselor but we both sometimes feel the ugly green monster pop up and when it does, we both choose to not worry about things we don’t know about. It saves us both from projecting our own insecurities onto each other and causing problems that don’t exist. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat, no matter how much worrying and interrogating and controlling we attempt. And if someone does cheat, it will eventually come out one way or another.
Cyndi´s last [type] ..Blame Game
@ Sara Liz, We cracked each other up
Interesting subject – I agree with Drummer Guy and others who say that cheating is a measure of a persons character (or perhap lack of character or moral fibre?). Another way to look at it is that we all tend to judge others by our own standards, so if we might consider cheating then we think our partner is thinking the same. Also, it can be projection – that is, projecting traits onto our partner that we are trying to deny in ourselves. So, if we would consider cheating, we think our partner would think and do the same. So, not casting aspertions on your husbands character, but perhaps he might be considering the same thing himself, hence his objections to you having friends of the opposite sex?
My personal experience with this is as follows; I am a trusting person – would never cheat on my partner, but didn’t see anything wrong with me or (in this case my ex-wife) having friends of the opposite sex. However, she wasn’t happy about me having female friends – to the point that I was contacted by an old flame for a milestone birthday of mine and my then wife got very upset and angry with me. It never was more than a couple of phone calls, and all I thought was that it was sweet that she remembered and called to say hi. Maybe I was being niave, but I couldn’t see what my then wife was so angry about and it never went to anything more than those couple of phone calls.
On the other hand as the years went on she had quite a lot of male friends, but I don’t remember thinking anything of it. Turns out though, because she’d decided I was the cause of all her unhappiness, she was ‘grooming’ someone to whisk her away from what she saw as the sinking marital ship! So, as I say, the very thing she was unhappy with me doing was something she would do herself, but her motives were more destructive to our relationship.
Bern it’s funny you should post that. The reason I say that is a good friend of mine (who plays in my band) first wife was constantly throwing jealousy fits. She accused him over & over of flirting with other women etc. This was a LONG time ago & I don’t remember her accusing him of actually cheating or not. But as it turns out she was having MULTIPILE affairs at once. He found out about 3 of them because she was dumb enough to brag about them to her best friend who herself had 3-4 lovers & her husband overheard them bragging about their conquest.(Goes to character & the company we keep)
There may have actually been more that he didn’t know about. He thinks she kept accusing him to throw him off suspecting her. I think she figured, “if I am doing it he must be too”. So sad. BUT he has now been married to a great lady for the last 20+ years.
Thanks for all the advice tips etc, I do invite my husband along problem is he is a homebody, and has no interest in my friends. He likes sports, I like museums, and nerdy things. Which is fine in my book, I struggle with the fact that my husband thinks that I should conceed to his wants sense this bothers him. I agree I would choose my husband over any male friend, but I just don’t think it is healthy to give up the majority of my friends. My husband doesn’t have (or ever had) female friends he can’t imagine why a guy would hang out with a woman unless he wanted to hook-up with her. I know we have bigger issues, but this is one that just keeps coming up over and over
I definitely appreciate this post. We have to have extra individuals like you bringing value to the community. Can I put this post on my blog? I’d give you credit and link back of course.
This topic seems to be popping up more lately on the blogopshere … or maybe it is just me. Anyway, ProjectM has a story and comments from people as well for those that are interested.
http://projectmonline.com/2010/10/21/should-married-people-have-opposite-sex-friends/
-mike
Michael Dundas´s last [type] ..One time password over SMS
I am currently in a situation where my husband has a female friend and while i know he has been physically faithful, I still whole heartedly believe this relationship has crossed over into the majorly inappropriate area. This has been going on for almost a year, I have tried to be friends with her but I never cared for her before she became an issue so it was hard on top of the inappropriate texts, calls everyday, dates, and who knows what else. My husband has always had many female friends and there have been times I had to adjust to it, because he calls them things like darling and hun and he has never called me darling but it is one of my fav pet names and that bugged me. But that was something we came to terms with. I have all but demanded he cut off all communication with her at this point but he refuses and has even said he would leave me. ( he is depressed, bad, his brother passed away suddenly and brought up alot of issues about 5 months ago). I do not want to end it for us or for the kids but I can’t seem to get him to see how this has damaged us. He is mad i say I cant trust him since he blatantly chooses to do things that hurt me, he says i am crazy and he cant trust me since I don’t trust him. ( I have been working on my dependent needy nature in the last year but he hasn’t even given me a chance to prove that he pulls everything from the past as an excuse, also he is a borderline alcoholic and only asks to go out to bars so I hesitate so say OK to that) We have issues that need work but till she is gone I don’t see how I can trust him. I really don’t want to tear my family apart but I have no clue what else to do.
Iva
Check out this website it has helped me a great deal and I think it will help you also: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp
Thanks for sharing. Your right, don’t worry about the future. We cannot control the future. Focus on present time. You said it yourself; you are not going to worry about what you don’t know about.
Reading some of this stuff has helped me. I have not shared my situation with anyone but here goes. I found out 3 months ago that my husband met someone through an online dating site. I only found out because he sent us both the same text message and she started texting me. I then spoke to her on the phone. She was honest with me about everything (to my knowledge). My husband and I have been together 12 years. Some things he told this girl were true and some were not. He did come clean about it. It was text messages and naked pictures they never spoke to each other or even met. I have good days and bad days. I am afraid to trust him and let my guard down. Any advice would be helpful. I do want to save my marriage. My husband swears it will never happen again. I want to belive him.
Sherry – a very difficult and painful situation which I guess only you can decide whether you choose to trust him again or not. While I haven’t had exactly this situation (my former wife had affairs, but I didn’t discover this until after the marriage had ended), but I should imagine it is a slow, step by step process, and it will be 2 steps forward, 1 step back for quite some time. If you are both willing to move forward in a positive way that has got to be half the battle, and he has to accept he will be on a ‘very short rope’ for a long time.