8 Ways to Build Trust

When I was a tween, I remember my mother saying, “Once you shatter someone’s trust, it takes a long time to get it back.”

At that time she was talking about her trust in me—and she was telling me about it because I was in the age of deceit. If you have a teen or were a teen, then you know what I’m talking about. Case in point: I used to keep a pack of cigarettes in my desk drawer in my bedroom. I’m guessing that my mother has no idea I ever did this. If she had found those cigarettes, though, it would have destroyed her trust in me—at least for a while. (Mom: just so you know, I’ve only ever smoked about 24 cigarettes in my entire lifetime, and I did it just to be cool and fit in.)

Unfortunately trust sometimes does get shattered, especially in marriage. A woman wrote to me recently. She’d been married for three times as long as I have. Yet just a few years ago, her husband stepped out of the marriage and slept with another woman. She asked me, “How can I bring myself to trust him again?”

This is a tough question for me to answer because I’ve never dealt with a major breech of trust in my marriage such as infidelity. But I have dealt with relatively minor ones. I don’t know if the following tips and questions will work for a major breech of trust such as infidelity, but I thought I would share them in hopes on opening an honest discussion on the topic.

1.     Trust is a decision. If you cannot bring yourself to trust, it means you are actively deciding not to trust. Why have you made the decision not to trust? Explore that question.

2.     Lack of trust can stem from the sensation of being out of control. You know what? We’re all out of control. Whether you trust your spouse or not, you will still be out of control.

3.     Lack of trust can stem from not feeling loved and adored. Teach your spouse what you need to feel loved and adored.

4.     Lack of trust can stem from fear of losing your spouse. What can your spouse do to convince you that he or she will never leave?

5.     Trust is a decision. Sometimes we hold onto lack of trust as if it were a Crazy 8 (in the game of Crazy 8s). We hoard it, just waiting to pull it out and yell, “See? This is why I can’t trust you!” Put down the card, and then stand up and walk away from the game.

6.     Deciding to trust again is a lot like getting on an airplane in the days after 9-11. You take a deep breath, you put the “what ifs” out of your mind, and you go for it.

7.     Sometimes lack of trust can stem from projection. Can your spouse trust you? Should your spouse trust you? Do you worry that your spouse might be too much like you?

8.     It takes time to build trust. You can lose it in a second, but it might take years to get it back. Be patient.

How have you built trust in your marriage? How have you struggled with trust in your marriage? Join the discussion by leaving a comment.

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