I’m creating a marriage devotional. (Yes, you can and should thank Joanne for this, folks, because it was her idea). It will be an ebook, and I will give it away with proof of purchase of Project: Happily Ever After through the end of January. It will be my gift to you for helping me sell books when it’s most important to sell them–during the initial weeks of publication.
Note: If you’ve already pre-ordered the book and have lost your receipt, not to worry. This is something that I would do (the losing the receipt part). As a result, I have an ingenious way that will allow you to prove you’ve purchased the book. I’ll tell you more about that closer to the release date.
At any rate, I could use your help. I have a billion devotionals about sex (go figure) and about a half billion (okay, it’s only a slight exaggeration) about forgiveness. But I’m running dry in the area of romance. I need a creative kick start. So dear readers: this is your chance to get your burning romance questions answered–for free. Please let me know: what challenges you most in this area? Tell me all about your romantic issues, problems, and questions. I will use it all as inspiration to make this free ebook even better.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
My problem is redundancy…. everything already seems to be done already in the romance department and there is no longer any originality to romance.
Also, will you book be available as an e-book (kindle)?
HI Sabrina–I’m fairly certain that they will sell it as an ebook, but, for reasons I don’t understand, publishers seem to wait until book release to make the ebook option available on amazon and iTunes. I guess that’s so there can be an official “release.” Otherwise people could download the ebook versions months before the paper books come out. Just speculating. At any rate, if they don’t make it available in ebook format, I will put a very gentle Buddhist hurting on someone.
Hopefully, the book will be available for the iPad.
We plan a romantic dinner/date, but … Instead of gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes and kissing each other passionately, we talk about the kids, the jobs, the neighbors, all the stuff we have to do next week …. Kinda kills the romance.
@Sabrina/Alisa – the reason publishers don’t release the ebook ahead of time is because ebooks are cheaper than hardcover books – the idea is to charge the first wave of readers (the ones who absolutely have to have it) the most money (hardcover price) then everyone who is willing to wait but wants to read it, a reduced price at a later date. You pay for exclusive reading privileges, if you will. Anyway, that’s the idea.
Now as to the original topic – If i understand the idea of a devotional correctly (something small that the partner(s) do that day, a different thing each day) then a romantic something could be anything from: give your partner an unexpected hug / kiss / touch. Write them a note and leave it somewhere (the note can be the devotional – what’s your favorite memory? what’s your strongest memory of us? when did one partner make the other happiest?). Recreate your first date.
Not sure how I could make this a question you need to answer Alisa but … figured I’d throw my thoughts/suggestions out there at least. (PS Alisa if you wanna use ANY of these ideas in the devotional I’d be honored!)
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PS. while in college 6 hours away from each other I made wrote up 50 index cards, each with a different reason that I loved him and gave them to him as a going away present with strict orders he could only read them when he missed me. He frequently asked for refills.
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I would like to know how to satisfy the craving for that initial ‘spark’…it’s such a FUN part of meeting someone new, dating, the first kiss, etc.
Is there a way to replicate this in marriage (without cheating
)?
I don’t even understand the word romance/romantic. I’m seriously missing some chip.
My husband is not very romantic. It’s not because he doesn’t love me, he simply doesn’t think of doing that kind of thing. How does one go about hinting to be romanced? If I tell him, “be romantic” it kind of takes the romance out of it, you know?
@Jennifer I wish, have wished for a long time for that very same thing. I wonder too if that is part of the reason why my husband and I are where we are right now.
My husband and I use to be very “romantic!” But that has changed to talks of problems, kids, in-laws, etc . . . on top of that how do you bring this all back especially after your husband has had an emotional affair with a co-worker?
Ooo free advice and a way to help with your ebook…awesome.
I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now and I absolutely love it. You always seem to be writing about something that applies to my life at that particular time and you have helped me unravel many knots or kinks in my relationship rope.
What I’d like to know about romance is the following:
1) How can I change my definition of romance? I think I have a very stereotypical view of what romance is so it creates high expectations and disappointment. For example: I think taking the time to plan special things for your partner in advance is romantic but my husband does not. He is not a pre-planner so this leaves many of my romantic ideas figments of my imagination. How can I change my romantic expectations to appreciate what he does do?
2) What is romance anyway?
3) I like Kelly J’s question too…how do you boost the levels of romance in your life without asking for it. I tried to just be romantic myself and hope that my husband would do the same (follow suit) and it didn’t really work. I would leave notes everywhere, make cards, cook a special dinner etc but then I never really noticed him doing the same (although he is great at sending me txt messages randomly to say he is thinking about me…).
4) I’d also like to know how to get the “first dating” spark back (I have a feeling that it probably can never be that way 100%). We’ve been married a year (together for 5) and sometimes it feels like we do the same thing day in day out. On one hand it is comfortable and I like that…but I’d also like to mix things up once and a while.
I hope that helps inspire you Kathleen and I’m looking forward to both your both and this free ebook you will be working on.
Thanks again for all your help and perspective.
Finding a way to be romantic when you only get to see each other at the end of a long day full of kid-wrangling, working, school work, house work… it would be nice to fit some romance in during the week instead of saving it all for the quiet moments of the weekend.
Also, what’s the equivalent of giving a woman flowers? Is there one?
Good idea Alisa. Thanks Joanne for suggesting it. I seem to see a lot of ladies who want their non romantic husbands become more romantic. I would wonder about that too. I know there are little romantic things we can all do to add a little spark. But I would think that somebody who just isn’t the romantic type cant change that. Me personally I have always been the very romantic type. My first wife however didn’t have a romantic bone in her body. I tried many things but just had to accept that was the way she was.
It would seem to be like trying to take somebody who is a totally analitical type & make them a more emotional type. Just ain’t gonna happen
With my first wife I tried home prepared (by me) romantic dinners, romantic resturaunts, roses, candles & on & on NOTHING worked. Don’t get me wrong we had a very active sex life but romance was just not in her DNA. I sure understand missing it especially if one is the romantic type. When I met my beloved & discovered she really appreciated that it was great. Of course now with her being so sick most of it has gone away. I do miss it very much.
I also see a lot of comments about going to dinner & just talking about kids, jobs etc. That does seem to be the norm. Before we marry & kids come along our lives consist of just each other. Then we get married, the kids are born, we start careers & begin a new life. That changes everything & then that becomes your priority. Maybe they could try going to a dinner & making all talk of jobs & kids off limits. Just don’t be surprised if you find you don’t know what to talk about…LOL
But like anything replace bad habits with good ones. I look forward to reading suggestions in the devotional. This could really help a lot of people.
You ROCK Alisa
Ron
What a wonderful topic, Alisa. I read it and the comments and it makes me recall a far busier time in my husband’s and my lives when our kids were young. The funny thing is, there’s more time for romance when you’re empty-nesters. I realize this isn’t immediately helpful for couples going through those incredibly busy, trying, wonderful years — but the later years of a marriage can be more loving and romantic in a different way.
Ruth that reminds me of something funny. I was the youngest child & when I moved away & joined the Air Force I was talking to dad while home on leave. I asked him how it was going not having kids at home for the first time in 26 years? He said “it’s great mom & I can run naked through the house & have lots of sex anytime we want”. That made me react…… ewwwwwww. Of course he said that just to gross me out. After all our moms are Virgins right?
I have a suggestion for the date Spark. Its actually something I have thought of doing but never did…does this make it a fantasty? LOL
I would not be home when my husband gets there from work. I instead would be at a hotel getting all done up. Sexy hair, dress, shoes, perfume. etc. I’ll have some yummy stuff to eat already set up with a white table cloth and candles.
My husband would come home to a note. “Meet me at (fill in the blank of a quiet bar with jazz and a dance floor) at 6:30pm. I will be there. You must not come over to meet me when you see me. Sit down, order a drink, relax and I will come over to you. You can look for me and have eye contact with me but stay in your seat.”
Then I will be there about 1/2hr earlier. I will have made an seductive entrance into the bar and seated myself in a far, dark corner. I will keep my eyes open for him. Then I will wait for him to get there. When he gets there I will wait a bit and gain eye contact with him. Then I will walk over to him and take his hand and pull him on to the dance floor. No words. When the dance is over I will take his hand and say come with me. Then I will take him back to the hotel for good food and a lovely quiet evening.
I’ve told him about this fantasy but I bet he’s forgotten.
Blushing
Maureen- that’s beautiful.
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Hmm a devotional.
I would write a poem about what romance means to me and share it over a glass of wine and candles surrounding the room. Or I have memorized some of Pablo Neruda’s love poems, he wrote to his wife and said them TO him while looking in his eyes. There is nothing like a good love poem to get across how you feel to the man you love. So the devotional can start out with a definition of what romance is and then list a couple of poets that have written love poems.
Start off with Elizabeth Barrett Brownings’ “How do I love thee…. ” and put my own twist on it.
Or I actually did this one time. It was valentine and I bought some Candy kisses and had a bowl of them waiting at the door when he got home from work. I left a “path” of candy kisses from the bowl to the bedroom…..
I may have to be the one who initiates romance but in reality it is ME who craves this not my husband. If I want romance I will create it but I know once I start something he will go along with what I’ve planned.
Also romance is a collaborative thing. You could discuss things that would make you feel romantic and then split up what you want done to create this moment. He can get the candles and table set up and you order in the meal. That sort of thing.
Another devotional would be to write something about scents. There are numerous scents and essential oils that were created to create the mood. A devotional discussing these scents and what they are supposed to do. Its weird but we just saw a show on PBS about how women use scent as an initial part of attraction. It was TOTALLY impressive. The men women were attracted to, by smelling their slept in T-shirts had something that improved the odds of creating stronger, healthier progeny. So there is something about scent that attracts women. To write a devotional about essentials oils and their role would be a great devotional.
Lauren: I buy myself flowers and then gushingly thank him for paying for the things I love.
Melissa: I LOVE this idea with the cards. Buy a nice box to put them in. We often end up traveling apart. So to have this waiting for him would be cool. I’ve sometimes hidden cards around the house when I’m gone and each nite when we call to talk I tell him where one is. That was fun.
I like a lot of the women I know can turn on the romantic idea book very easily. I am a sappy romantic and enjoy opportunities to romance Ray even after 16 years. Ray now understands that romance and intimacy are incredibly important to my well being so he tries very hard. I was complaining about how dry my legs are and that I really need to get into a habit of moisturizing every morning but could never remember so Ray being such a nurturer care giver sort has decided that each morning he will put the lotion on my legs before he gets ready for work. To me the idea that he is trying to meet a need for caring and intimacy for me is very romantic.
I think anytime our spouse does any little thing to make us feel special or loved it can be considered romantic because it is so sweet that it sparks those gooey feelings of love.
Our marriage counselor had us fill out two lists for each other. The first was entitled “I felt loved when you ….. and the second was ” I feel loved when you…..
We had to fill them out with what made us feel loved that our partner did in the early days of our relationship and then what they do today to make us feel loved.
The first one based on the past was easy because the relationship was new and we did lots for each other, the second about today was harder because we become complacent in our relationship over the years .
The positive that came out of it was the insight we gained into what makes our partner feel loved from their point of view. I now know that Ray feels special if I spoon him every night as he falls asleep. Not a lot to ask but it was number one on his list.
Alisa- that might be a nice exercise for you to suggest for Marriage Improvement Monday!!
Maurren that MUST be a great idea. So much so I feel the need to take a cold shower..LOL. Actually before I met my beloved I dated a girl where we did something very similar. It might be a god idea for you as well Alisa. On that particular occassion Maureen she met me at a bar & we acted like we had just met & I picked her up & took her home. You can fill in the blanks for the rest..lol But talk about one HOT NIGHT…Dang now I really do have to go take a cold shower…I crack me up
Alisa an idea along that line though was at least once a month we had “Fantasy Night”. Each would do whatever the others fantasy was (within reason of course..lol) If it involved farm animals well maybe that was off limits. Well unless it involved SHEEP!!! YIPPIEEE!!! I know BAAAAAAAADDD joke
.
This is something my beloved & I did a couple of times but she didn’t seem to like it as well so we found other things to ad spark. But it could be a fit for other couples. You just have to know what the boundries & ground rules are. Like adding a third person is off limits etc. Besides being harmful to a relationship, with some things such as that, the reality is a REAL letdown from the fantasy. Uhhh don’t ask me how I know that. I think I read it somewhere. But if done right a fantasy night once a month or so can be really HOT!…… Now if you’ll pardon me I am going for that cold shower
Ron
Joanne you must have posted while I was writing..LOL But I LOVE the idea about the list. I so wish my beloved & I could do more things for each other like that. But I am sure we could come up with a list of little things we could do. She isn’t able to do much on most days when she is so terribly ill. But I am sure I could some up with something like writing me a note. I KNOW there is more I could do. Thanks so much for the idea.
You ROCK
Ron
P.S. I am REJOYCING that you & Ray are back in a good place in your marriage. My beloved & I have been praying for you & rooting for you as well.
Lauren, about the flowers equivalent for guys, the only thing that I could think of, something he never got as much as he wanted of, (because I just don’t like to do it), is oral sex.
My husband is also anything but romantic, But he tries. On Sunday I had to run to the grocery store and while I was gone he cooked dinner. I was really surprised and although I am not sure he thought romance, but I certainly did. LOL! We usually eat dinner out a couple nights a week and I find that we talk alot now of our dreams and our future. we take our annual family trips and so we are able to reminisce and plan for our next one. We sometimes drive nowhere and just take in the scenery. It really is romantic he just doesnt know it.
I used to think romance a lot more when I was younger. Ho-hum! Could you clarify what you mean by a devotional? I think simply holding hands can be romantic. (My second husband isn’t into holding hands unfortunately.) I was reading Lee Smith’s new short story collection last night and happened upon “Stevie and Mama,” in which the heroine remembers that her second husband used to bring back shells from his walks on the beach and would spell out words, like I LOVE YOU. I did stuff like that once upon a time. Leave little notes for my first husband, for instance, in his suitcase for him to find after he returned earlier to Francce from vacation. How about an arts & crafts section? Valentine’s Day, for instance. As a teenager, I sent my boyfriend a card that contained lots of little hearts that I had cut out. He opened the envelope in an elevator and they all tumbled out. Another year I made him some boxer shorts out of cotton with hearts all over it. Okay, so hoping you will clarify what you mean by devotional …
How do you inspire romance in your partner? I know that there’s a wealth of ideas as to how we can be romantic, but how can you inspire this in a seemingly romantically impaired spouse? For me, the small things I can do are great for our relationship, but I can’t get my husband to do romantic things unless I spell them out for him. I understand he’s not a mind reader, so I have to give him not so subtle hints. After I have given suggestions, that’s exactly what he does, no additional creative thinking. If I’ve already thought of it, it’s something I like for sure, but it’s lost that romantic element of surprise.
@Tera … I think the key to getting our other half to do stuff is to really talk about things we’d like to do in a wistful tone. Recently for example I was REALLY bummed about missing the Meteor shower because I was working in the city and you can’t see the sky here. So the next night, when I was at his place (outside the city) we went out and laid out under the stars for a bit and managed to see a few straggling meteors.
I was REALLY upset about missing the show. So when he found a way to fix that upset he did it. And I found it incredibly sweet and romantic.
I think this also touches on Joannes post about her legs – the key is communicating your problems and letting him solve then and enjoying that for the romantic, thinking about your needs/desires/wants that it is…..
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Tera- That is one of the good things about a daily marriage devotional. Simple thoughts, one day at a time, not meant to overwhelm just meant to give a kind push in the direction of a happier healthier marriage. I have taken many of the suggestions here and in books that I have read, picked the things that I needed or wanted to share with Ray, boiled it down to one paragraph (that is Ray’s attention span, it helps to know your audience) and things that are doable within one day, like write a note telling your wife what originally attracted you to her , etc. When Ray would kiss me goodbye each morning it was folded and ready for him to put into his back pocket. He generally looked at it during his break or lunchtime. Sometimes he responded right away with a quick text sometimes we would talk about it in those few moments before we would drift off to sleep.
Melissa- Really well said. For me romance can be as simple as calling for Ray when a song comes on the radio and him slow dancing with me in the kitchen. It doesn;t have to be big it just has to be the two of us.
I think the other thing that’s REALLY important is to APPRECIATE the romantic things your partner does. After watching the meteor shower that night … I told him I loved him and thanked him. I think we frequently forget to thank our partner for the things they do for us – and positive reinforcement is prob the best tool to helping them understand what we enjoy and encouraging them to do more of it.
Not only that, but as I’m working to appreciate the things he does more, I’m finding he’s making a bigger effort to appreciate the things I do too… and hearing thank you back makes me feel really good about us.
Lauren another equivilent to the flowers is maybe greeting at the door in something sexy. Doesn’t have to be naked (unless you are that bold…lol) but that may be good for him. Yea with men it does involve sex more. Some get offended that it has to involve sex but that is just the way a lot of men are hard wired. I think we are all guilty of expecting our spouse to respond to the same things we do. Like if she likes getting flowers & a kiss but he likes tickets to a football game.
Melissa you are so right in that we need to show our appreciation for the things our spouses to. To often we all fall into a pattern of taking the things our spouses do for granted. It’s an easy trap to fall into. Then when we don’t show them appreciation we get upset that they stopped doing it.
Alisa here is another idea for the devotional. I once made a “coupon book” for my beloved. It involved little things she could cash in & I had to do it on demand. Some were simple things like “This coupon entitles the holder to 10 extra kisses today” Some were sexual Man did I get lockjaw….(Did I say that outloud
) some were maybe me doing all the dishes, me cooking supper etc. My beloved told me that was the best gift I ever gave her. So you could have the devotional reader do that for whatever time frame fits.
Ron
You are all blessed individuals! You’ve got me writing! Thanks for the inspiration!
I know I’m really late to the discussion, I’ve been super busy lately. But, anyway…..
I love everyone’s comments, great ideas! I especially like the index cards of why you love someone, the list of “I felt loved when…” and just showing a general appreciation for your partner.
I heard somewhere that romance is thoughtfulness tied up in a prettier package. And I’ve always agreed with that.
I think cooking someone a meal, writing a letter, giving an extra hug or kiss. Or even, having sex when you’re not in the mood–that’s all romantic. Being kind and generous in a physical way is romantic to me.
My husband likes receiving flowers, as long as they’re not pink and purple ones. I’ve given him red roses before or green or orange boquets, he enjoys them. I would’ve never done that had he not once said “you know, I like having flowers in the house too.” Most guys probably don’t care, but my husband I get each other flowers (more so from him to me, admittedly) about every other month or so, so that’s nice.
I think acknowledging big accomplishments is good too! That’s always romantic.
Everyone’s “love language” is different, and no one is a mind reader, so, in my opinion, expecting someone to know what you think is romantic is kind of sketchy. I think sitting in a hot tub together is romantic, my husband thinks me watching one HIS favorite movies with him is romantic.
As for keeping the “spark” alive, frequent sex, playful sex and a general passion for life help a lot!
Also, I once did what Ron (Drummer Guy) did–sat at a bar and let my husband “pick me up”. I’d never done that in real life (I didn’t look for mates in bars, but that’s just me), my husband wasn’t too crazy about it but it was quite hot for me.
Oh, I’ve done the coupon thing too, that is always great, and fun to create and cash in!
I think romance is more physical–it’s a gift, a hug, a prepared meal, a single flower, a dish of their favorite ice cream, a hand-written card or letter. It’s action behind the words.
It’s not just saying “I love you,” it’s showing it in a happy, unexpected way that makes your love feel like the center of your universe. I hope that makes sense.
I think just being willing to acccommidate someone’s wishes and make them feel special, loved and appreciated–that’s romantic.
I hope your devotional turns out great, Alisa, I’m looking forward to it already!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Sara Liz I love the way you worded that. “I think being willing to accommidate someones wishes and make them feel special, loved & appreciated”. I may have to borrow that one.
Ron
love what I’m reading…..awesome stuff on here guys.
especially this one from Sara
“I think romance is more physical–it’s a gift, a hug, a prepared meal, a single flower, a dish of their favorite ice cream, a hand-written card or letter. It’s action behind the words.
It’s not just saying “I love you,” it’s showing it in a happy, unexpected way that makes your love feel like the center of your universe. I hope that makes sense.
I think just being willing to accommodate someone’s wishes and make them feel special, loved and appreciated–that’s romantic.”
PRICELESS.
I guess it depends on what “love languages” we understand (I really must get that book!). Lots of good ideas here, but if they are not the love language our partner understands they could fall on deaf ears! As has been suggested above we need to recognize our partners aren’t mind readers, so asking surely must help.
I’ve heard a few times the phrase “if you want your partner to behave in a certain way you’d better damn well do it yourself first!” – which means don’t hold your partner to a standard or meet an expectation that you don’t hold yourself too.
I never really thought of myself as a very romantic person, and this was one of my former wife’s ‘complaints’ when she was justifying leaving. Thing was – she wasn’t ‘romantic’ herself, yet somehow expected me to be (and instinctively know). With my new partner of 2 years I think we are both romantic with each other (lots of hugs and kisses, hand-holding, just touching, etc, etc), and it’s all very easy! I find it very natural with her probably because of the person she is, and she has brought out in me a suppressed need I never knew I had!
One thing I like doing is leaving a little note under her pillow occasionally for her to find – she loves it and I love the positive reaction she has!