AKA
Why I Still Eat Meat Even Though I Don’t Kill Bugs
AKA
And yes, this post has something to do with marriage
Photo courtesy of Hddod
After my last post Love Is… Saving a Bug’s Life someone asked me why I act so compassionately toward insects but still eat meat.
She didn’t ask, “Isn’t that hypocritical?” because she was being polite (thank you). So let me just admit one thing right now. It’s this: my meat eating is completely hypocritical.
I acknowledge this.
To Buddhists all lives are equally precious, and snuffing out a life – whether it’s a mosquito’s life, a cow’s life or a human’s life – is equally distressing. Killing anything—according to Buddhists—is one of the worst actions you can take. Murder of any kind destines you to experience your next lifetime in the hell realm.
I was once a vegetarian. That was years ago. I read Fast Food Nation and I lost my taste for meat. The idea of poop-covered cows traveling on meat hooks on an assembly line as underpaid workers slice them apart with knives that are not properly sanitized will do that to a woman.
But at some point after the birth of my daughter, meat slowly made its way back into my life. After first, I was only going to eat local meat that came from farms that treated the animals in humane ways and butchered them kindly and cleanly.
And then, before I knew it, I was eating salami, hot dogs and burgers—and they weren’t organic.
Indeed, I’d hear people talking about the latest news story about ground beef being the left over crud that someone had scraped off the slaughterhouse floor with an e-coli covered spatula, and I would think, “But it’s quite tasty.”
So when, roughly a year ago, I embraced the Karma Project, I will admit, I embraced it in bits and pieces. At first, I embraced what I, at that time, saw as the most important aspects of Buddhism: treating all living beings (especially humans) with my compassion.
But, over time, I embraced more and more bits and pieces. I started meditating regularly. I began seeing all challenges in my life as opportunities to practice Buddhism. I learned how to love the most difficult of people.
Sure, all the while I was trying not to kill bugs—but mostly because it seemed like an easy thing to sort of try to not do, you know? Give up meat = hard change. Not smash bugs = easy change.
But it really wasn’t all that easy. One day I was driving my car and a fly was buzzing around and before I even had the thought “that fly is so annoying” the little thing was smashed against my driver side window. This accidental killing of insects took place quite frequency. And whenever it happened, I would just shrug it off, thinking, “Well, it was just a bug.”
Then, a couple months ago, during one class, I had a revelation. I realized that I could practice my compassion on insects. If I could learn to look at a fly with love and compassion, I could look at any being – even the most despicable human – in the same way.
So practice I did. And soon I couldn’t look at a worm, a fly, or an ant in the same way. No longer did I see a bug with a dust speck for a brain. No, now I saw a living being with feelings, thoughts and a soul. I would see an ant and think, “She’s probably someone’s mother. I don’t want to orphan her children.”
And once I saw that, I could no longer kill. Killing an ant felt as egregious as killing a baby or a baby’s mother.
All of that said, I must tell you: I had pork for dinner last night. And I had calamari the night before that. And I don’t remember what I had the night before that, but I’m sure it was something that once had a brain and a set of eyeballs.
I could justify this situation by telling you that the pork was already quite dead when I bought it. I could make the excuse that I cooked it for three other adults and a child—all of whom would have been quite disappointed and sad had I attempted to make meatless bean burgers instead.
I could try to come up with a way to make it seem as if me eating pork (and other types of meat) is okay.
But I don’t continue to eat meat because I think it’s okay, because, for me, it’s not.
The reason I still eat meat is this: I’m weak. On the stages of change, I’m still on the second step: contemplation. I’m aware a problem exists, and I’m seriously thinking of doing something about it.
But I’m not doing anything about it.
It’s probably only a matter of time before I will look at a package of boneless, skinless chicken parts and I will see a live chicken with feelings, a soul, and a brood of orphaned chicks. I’m somewhat suspicious that day is coming soon and, when it does, it will spur me into preparation—which is the stage of change that will help me figure out how to cook vegetarian for a family of three—including two very happy meat eaters.
I’m close, but I’m not there. I am, what you might call, a Buddhist work in progress.
The Marriage Implication
You might think that this story has nothing to do with marriage and that I’m about to go off on one my multi week episodes when I write all sorts of adorable stories about my life that have nothing to do with the topic of this blog.
Nonsense.
Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all works in progress. You are, and so is your spouse. We are all hypocrites from time to time, too. This is what makes us all gloriously human. If you can come to embrace this both in yourself and in your spouse, you just might find that that slow pace of marital improvement – the two steps forward, one step back—isn’t so annoying. You just might find that the backsliding – him doing more around the house only to stop doing more around the house – isn’t so concerning.
You might come to see it all for what it is: a growth cycle.
And you might come to see each other for what you are: catalysts in that cycle.
You are the catalyst in your spouse’s journey of change, and your spouse is your catalyst in yours.
There will be times when you will wish that you could just dump water on your spouse’s head and halt the stages of change permanently.
But that would be like me thinking that, for the rest of my life, I will be able to look at a package of boneless chicken and not see a live bird that was once someone’s mommy.
It’s just not going to happen. Change is coming, whether we embrace it or not.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
We are all works in progress, as you say. I’m more at piece with eating meat now that I’ve at least participated in killing a few chickens. They aren’t less dead, but I’m more accountable in my own mind for ALL of the meat we eat. Not that eating meat is the point of this.
Often the only changes I can make are the teeniest tiniest one. Ones you can barely see. Microscopic changes. But they add up.
Frugal Kiwi´s last [type] ..DIY Emergency Survival Kit
First I will comment on being compassionate to all animals… I have tried this and like you I am weak when it comes to chicken… I say no beef, pork, VEAL which is a big no no, but I eat fish and chicken most days with out even a blink. Eggs bug me because I think of someone harvesting my unborn baby and eating it…yuck! But I still eat them. But one day I will give it up because i know that veggie burgers are just as appetizing because I had a few LOL
This post comes wonderfully after the day I had yesterday… I so wanted to throw something harder than water on my hubbie so much so that I couldn’t even do one of my post. But actually did something similar to what you said and realized that yesterday was a hard day and today is a different day and change is happening in us for the better slowly but surely.
Thanks as usual for a fabulous thought inspiring post!
Great post. I am a non-vegetarian struggling to give up meat. I’m eating less meat, but I know I need to do better.
I’d like to make a differentiation between killing and murder. Murder, to me, is taking someone or something’s life needlessly. I would not consider ending the life of an animal that has been hit by a car, but is not yet dead, murder. I do not consider ending the life of a sick animal murder. If I had to kill someone to protect my family, I would not consider that murder. Murder is taking the life of something for no cause.
Many vegetarians consider eating meat to be murder, that there is no cause for ending the animal’s life. When I was a vegetarian that was not my reasoning for not eating meat. I just didn’t like meat. Now that I’m eating meat again (after 15 years of not red meat, had to eat chicken and fish because my body just wasn’t healthy) I just can’t think about what it once was. Just can’t go there. I buy my chicken boneless and skinless and still have to clean off some fat and I just really have to psych myself out to be able to eat it. And four years ago I went back to eating cow – my body demanded it. I try to eat very little, but when hubby is so picky about food – chicken or cow, it’s hard to limit how much chicken or cow I eat.
Now back to the marriage part of this. What if it’s been a really rough 5 months and then your hubby gets sick for a week and while being sick shoots verbal bullets at you and you are just beyond sick and tired of his bull shit attitude and the way he treats you, that water is not the solution you have in mind?
I, like you, cannot (easily) kill bugs. When I try, I watch them fight for their lives when they try to dodge me trying to get them. So, I think, they must value their lives to some degree, no? Yet I will eat fish and chicken – but not beef. It doesn’t really make sense to me, but some compassion is better than none, I think.
I think all life is sacred not in the context of religion so much as in the incomprehensible miracle that it is. I believe as the american indian does that when I eat chicken or fish that I have been given a gift by the animal that I need to appreciate. Health wise I try to eat everything as organically as possible. I agree with Gayle that for me veal is unconscionable all living being deserve kindness and how the calves are cared for is reprehensible.
That being said, I;ve been thinking alot about my marriage lately because I had two dear friends visit my home in the last couple weeks. One from England and another from Georgia. They have both known Ray and I as a couple for years and say that we were more “at peace” with each other than they can ever remember. I think most of that is because we have decided to enjoy each of our strengths in our marriage instead of the traditional roles we are expected to play. I geniunely feel good about providing for our home and my husband and he has told me that he truely is happy to being the nurturer and the glue that holds us together.
My unhappiness in our marriage was intrenched in the idea that I was failing Ray as a wife largely due to the way society says the male/female dynamic should work. Ray was not the alpha in our relationship and I had no role model for being comfortable with being in the lead. This blog and our marriage counseling plus all the reading I’ve been doing and sharing with Ray has been the catalyst for us to let go of how we thought the marriage roles should be defined and just enjoy each other as we really are.
In many ways I finally have the marriage I can admire, find comfort in, and feel loved within.
Joanne, Yippee!!! I’m so happy for you and Ray.
I like this, ‘work in progress’ -interestingly enough, eating meat is a struggle for me too. I blame Disney, I humanize every animal. So when I buy my boneless/skinless chicken breasts, I do think about the poor chicken who died for me to eat it, when I could be having a salad. Oh and I should add that if I liked vegetables more, I’d probably already be a vegetarian…but I don’t. And I’m not ready to give up meat entirely at this point. But I do think I appreciate it more, because I think about where it came from, the living animal it once was. I am gradually, through small steps, trying to become a more compassionate eater as well. In relation to marriage, I am ‘on my own’ when it comes to this. My husband just doesn’t get it. He’s a hunter/fisherman, and loves meat. So when I’ve tried to discuss my internal struggle with it, it typically turns into an argument. And that’s hard. I want him to understand that part of me. But for now, I’ve accepted that he’s not going to, maybe in time he can. He’s not perfect either…a work in progress.
Kathy–Yeah, I’ve wanted to do more than just water at times, too. Take care of yourself and walk away from the bullets.
Every post I’ve read so far has been a “that’s so me” revelation. I often find my vision blurred by tears, which frequently happens during those “that’s so me” moments.
You give me hope that things really could turn around, and my husband and I could fall in love again.
Just today I realized that for most of the 12 years we’ve been married I’ve taken him for granted, and not REALLY been there for him like I thought I was being.
I hope and pray that we can get to know each other as the people we are NOW, and not the people we thought we still were. I don’t want to lose him.
I must admit I never really thought about meat in such a way except once when I was a teenager I saw my grandmother kill a chicken, take the feathers off and I swear I didnt eat chicken for years. Since then I guess if I don’t actually see the animal being killed it doesnt bother me. As for me I am a work in progress, I guess one of two things will happen for me, Either my husband and I will keep our commitment or I will definitely be a better, stronger person in the long run. Hopefully he is wise enough to stay committed. I have really made some changes for the better.
Alisa, I did walk away. But when he’s sick (first time in 5 years), you’ve got to be there. So I didn’t get to walk far.
Great post Alisa. I love how you zero’d in on we are all a work in progress. I think in marriage & just in life in general we all go through many changes over our life. While for most our core values don’t change (except in the case of religous conversion etc) we usually experience many minor changes in values & Priorities. I also think if we don’t change over the years we aren’t growing as people AND as spouses. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago & that is a god thing….LOL
As for the whole meat vs non meat thing each has to do what is right for them. It is not our place to force our feelings on the issue on others. Different people come from different cultures & backgrounds. In some it is considered horrible to eat meat, in some it is not. I was raised in an area where hunting is part of the culture. In my youth I had many meals of Rabbit, Deer, Dove & Quail. So naturally I have no objection to it as long as one hunts for food & not for the sake of killing an animal.
It would surprise many raised in a non hunting culture just how much the hunter does to protect wildlife, their habitat & the beauty of nature. They work very hard to make sure that future generations will always be able to enjoy the great outdoors & not just for hunting. But for camping, hiking, bike rides in the country etc. I respect very much the rights of non meat eaters to do as they see fit. I also ask that they respect the rights of those who believe other than they do. For one group of people to start dictating to others what they can eat puts us all on a dangerous path. I am thankful that I live in a country where all have the freedom to raise their family to enjoy the values that generations before them enjoyed. Whether that value is about hunting, their religion or their political views. I am equally thankful that we have the freedom to disagree respectfully over those issues.
I love what Kathy said about the difference between Murder & killing. HUGE difference. Not trying to make this about religion. But something here you may find interesting. As a Seminary graduate I spent MANY hours studying Biblical Greek & Hebrew. The comandment that addresses this has been so misquoted over the centuries. Almost all of us were raised & taught it states “Thou shalt not kill”. Actually that is a BAD translation of the original Hebrew. It is actually translated “Thou Shalt not Murder”. Somewhere WAY back in the early church it was translated kill. Mostly due to a lack of understanding of the ancient Hebrew Language. But over the centuries it just kind of stuck. Most modern translations corrected this & use the correct word, murder. But many still hold to the original mistranslation because they honestly didn’t know. Not trying to thump the Bible here but it is interesting isn’t it? Another GREAT post here Alisa.
Keep on Rockin
Ron
“You are the catalyst in your spouse’s journey of change, and your spouse is your catalyst in yours.” I believe this to be so very true.
“We are all hypocrites from time to time.” This has meaning for us right now because my husband, who is 72, has been dealing with the way he treated women earlier in his life. He got very upset that he could not remember the name of a woman he lived with right after his divorce. I think he would have picked up the phone and apologized for the way he treated her, had that been an option.
Oh & Alisa I reread my comment. I didn’t mean that you (or anyone else for that matter) were forcing their views on the whole meat eaters vs non meat eaters thing. I was speaking about society in general terms.
Actually I have really enjoyed the various aspects of the Karma project you have been posting. While personally a practicing Christian I really enjoy learning more about the religion of others. Before coming to this blog I knew NOTHING about Buddism. It has really been enlightning (pardon the pun
) to learn about the practice. I have learned a lot. I didn’t even know that killing a bug was taboo in the religion. That’s interesting stuff & something we can all learn from.
I would wonder (& this is a question not a critisim) in the case of say rats, is killing them to stop the spread of disease against the religion? Or is all life considered so sacred that humans are to give their lives to save the life of the rats? I know that in the practice of Christianity sacrificing ones life to save the life of another human is noble but it would not extend to the animal kingdom. Once again not a critisism but a sincere question.
I was a devout vegetarian for about 25 years, “converted” my ex when we first met 20 years ago; he still doesn’t eat any animal flesh (other than seafood, i think) and my son is a militant vegetarian, though I tried to expose him to meat, as I wanted him to make his own, informed choice about whether or not he was going to be an omnivore.
I’m finding that former veg-heads like me are reexamining their relationship to meat, in part because of more humane & sustainable ways of raising animals. (In fact, I wrote a blog post about it that spurred a lot of debate.)
These days, I eat organic chicken raised in a kind way every once in a while. That’s it. I’ve made my peace with it, and it’s a personal choice — though my son hounds me for doing it I explain to him that no one should be in the business of policing or judging anyone else’s food choices.
In a sort of related matter: My boy and I have become addicted to Master Chef. Did anyone see the episode where Sheena, the contestant of Indian descent, was faced with the dilemma of boiling a live crab, which went against all her cultural and religious beliefs that every soul is sacred. It was really intense to watch, Gordon Ramsay offered to do it for her.
She did it, in the end, but I felt at great personal cost. Curious to hear what others thought.
Drummer Guy and Kathy- I grew up very poor and many times dad went hunting or fishing and that is what we had to eat. I don’t think there was any reason he should feel guilty for that. But he was as many (unfortunately not all) are a responsible hunter, he didn’t set traps that animals could languish in and he made sure he had a clean shot. We also ate anything he got, there was no waste. My father was American Indian and he taught us that when the pheasant or deer laid down its life for us we were to appreciate the gift. Do I wish it could have been different? Yes!
Today I shop at the Amish stores in Quakertown ( a farmers market) so I know everything is a fresh as possible and I don’t buy more than Ray and I need to consume.
That is best I can do.
Drummer Guy: There is room in the religion for the greater good, and all of the teachings are supposed to be balanced with “wisdom.” That means you are not supposed to interpret any Buddhist teaching as a black and white rule. You are always supposed to balance it with what is best for all.
There’s a teaching of the Buddha (I think… I’m always worried I’m going to get these things wrong when I write from memory) who kills one person because he knows that person is going to kill 10 other people. So he kills one to save 10.
I’m not sure what that says for the rats. Some of these things are mind benders.
I’m not sure exactly where I stand on eating meat (if I was 100 percent thinking it was wrong I probably would have stopped by now). It’s something I’d like to give up so I can test out the teaching and see how it affects me. I think that day is coming soon. But I don’t look down on anyone who doesn’t practice this (or any other) teaching.
Alisa Bowman´s last [type] ..The Beauty of Being a Work in Progress
Joanne I have always had great admeration for the way the Native American culture valued nature & the game they had to take for susteinence. When I was growing up we didn’t really have to hunt to eat in my house but I have known quite a few in my life who had supliment their diet with game or go hungry some days. My dad really didn’t hunt after he fought in WWII. After that experience something in him changed & he said he just couldn’t do it anymore. In his childhood years they had to or go hungry.
Personally I had a couple of friends that introduced me to hunting in my teen years. They taught me the “right way” to do it. To see to it that an animal never suffered or was misused. One was a Native American himself. He taught me many things about the way his culture viewed hunting & the way they practiced it. I learned so much about respect for nature & the importance of taking care of it. Today I no longer hunt but have no objection to those who practice it ethicly. 95% of hunters do. Unfortunatly those who don’t get a lot of press.
It’s ironic when I was young & where I grew up it was very rare to see a deer. Now in that same area they are EVERYWHERE! In peoples gardens, in housing areas, in the city, in the country. They are quite prolific reproducers…lol It is the case all over the U.S. There are actually more deer in this country today than there were when the Pilgrims landed. It amazes me how through conservation & management so many animals that were becoming rare now thrive.
Also when I was growing up there were no Eagles in S.C. Before I moved from there I would see them almost every time I went fishing. I always loved watching them scoop up fish. They are better fisherman than I ever was…lol But it was so cool to watch them. They are so beautiful.
Thanks Alisa. That was really helpful. I am with you. Any religion that makes us better people, makes us treat our fellow man better is of great value to society as a whole. Like Buddism In Christianity while some areas are more black & white some others aren’t. I once had a professor that would give us some REAL mind benders on test in Seminary. I remember one was “Since Jesus was fully God & fully man, could he have sinned”? Try & figure that one out…lol Now on those test there wasn’t a right or wrong answer. You just had to take a position & defend it. The whole idea was to get you to think. But I would lay awake in bed trying to wrap my mind around them…lol
In my personal life I am a combat vet of Granada. It was my job to call in air strikes. I was in Air Force Special Operations Group, otherwise known as SOG’s. I still struggle between that & my faith. Yes what I did saved American lives but it also took life. At times I am at peace with it. At other times I am not. So we all struggle with issues like that. For some it may be to be a veggie for some it is other issues. The good news is that we DO struggle with it. To me anyway, it means we have a compassionate side & care for all of God’s creation big & small
Oh & a humorous story that relates to this blog. You mentioned how we can all be hypocrites at times & we all are in some ways. I was listening to a former pastor one Sunday & he was talking about people who say the Church is full of hypocrites. He always told them of corse it is. That’s because we take anybody
Very interesting. I agree that we are all working towards our ideal and we do the best that we can.
Hi Alisa,
I agree with pretty much everything you said in your posting. I’ve never posted until now but I just had to this time.
Like you, I also started my journey of compassion with insects and then moved on to becoming a vegetarian. I watched 30 minutes of a documentary titled “Earthlings” – which was life changing to say the very least, and promptly switched to a vegan diet.
We’re all works in progress and it’s nice to know we’re not all as different as we think we are. We go through the same struggles and journeys in life – I appreciate you posting this
Just curious. Is there a difference between a vegan & a Vegitarian diet? It has only been in the last year or so that I have heard the term vegan. I just wondered if there was a difference or it is just a new name for the same dietary lifestyle?
Drummer Guy, my understanding of the two terms is as follows (if I’m wrong, someone correct me, please): vegan = eats no animal products (my daughter just became one in the last year or less). Vegetarian = eats cheese, milk, eggs, but no or limited meat.
I considered myself a vegetarian when I ate chicken and fish, even tho that wasn’t correct. I was a selective meat eater.
Kathy–I think you were considered a pesce/pollo (fish + chicken) vegetarian
Then there is lacto/ovo (dairy + eggs)
and vegan (animal product free… including honey and marshmallows)
Alisa Bowman´s last [type] ..The Beauty of Being a Work in Progress
Thanks Kathy & Alisa. That makes sense. Personally I wouldn’t make a good vegan. I would have to cut out, Milk, Eggs, Cheese, Cake & Ice Cream NOT THE CAKE & ICE CREAM….lol
I don’t eat much of that anyway because the wife is diabetic. She can’t be tempted if it isn’t here…lol But to totally cut out Ice Cream… Parish the thought
This is another great post Alisa! I agree with the central principle that we are all works in progress – anyone who doesn’t change over time simply lacks maturity and imagination! It’s one of the great pleasures in life to see and experience the evolving both in ourselves and others.
Joanne & Ray – sounds like you’ve had an epiphany! That’s great that you have come to an understanding and acceptance of being who you are, and loving and respecting each other for not only your similarities but your differences, and how they are complimentary – the whole is greater than the sum of the parts!
Eve – sounds like you’ve had an epiphany too! Realising that your husband (for all his differences, faults, and so on) make him what he is, and not taking him for granted, and wanting to move forward and grow your relationship is fantastic!
Lastly, a few comments about the vegetarian thing – I’ve always thought its a contradiction and hypocritical of those who don’t eat meat on eithical grounds because animals are living things and should not be killed. Aren’t plants living things too? Why is it not ok to kill animals but ok to kill plants? If you don’t eat something because you have a reaction to it, don’t like the taste, etc thats one thing, but on the grounds that you don’t want to kill something, spare a thought for the plants!!!!! (I remember reading somewhere that trees ‘scream’ when cut down, so what about them!!). Never heard a logical argument to contradict this when someone gets sanctimonious about eating meat (and I agree with Drummer Guy – if us meat eaters respect the right of others not to eat meat, then they should respect the right of the rest of us to chomp down on a juicy steak!)
Great stuff Alisa.
- “You are the catalyst in your spouse’s journey of change, and your spouse is your catalyst in yours.”
- “We are all hypocrites from time to time.”
If only ALL SPOUSES UNDERSTOOD THIS TO BE TRUE, we’d all be in a better place right now. For a while, I had been beating myself up about changing and improving in areas that I’m weak as a husband/provider – however, after reading this posts, I now realize that I AM CHANGING and forever improving for the better. I can only CHANGE ME.
I AM NOT A BAD PERSON.
I AM FOREVER CHANGING FOR THE BETTER.
CHANGE IS INEVITABLE. EMBRACE IT.