And a Plea for Help–Yet Again
As a professional writer, I absorb a lot of criticism. We get it from editors. We get it from readers. Sometimes we even get it from our own family members.
It’s my belief that the only professions that generate more criticism than writing are:
1) academia
2) professional athletics (with baseball seemingly topping them out).
Well, meteorologists take their fair share, too, I suppose. And so does anyone who cooks anything—whether it be a professional chef or a professional mom.
Anyway, early in my career, I didn’t take criticism well. Back them I would argue with editors, telling them that they didn’t know what they were talking about. I would complain behind their backs that they didn’t know what they were talking about. I would spend a lot of time thinking that they didn’t know what they were talking about.
And all the while, there would be a little voice in my head asking this question, “O.M.G. –-Do they know what they are talking about?!”
Indeed, part of the sting of criticism is that it might, quite possibly, be true.
I’ve now been writing for more than 20 years. At this point, I’m much better at taking criticism. I see it as a gift—as insight that will help me to improve my writing and become even better at what I do.
And this ability to take criticism about my writing has allowed me to be better able to take it in my marriage, too. (Not that my husband has much to complain about. I just wanted to establish that.)
The next time your spouse comes to you with a suggestion for improvement (aka criticism), try to do the following:
1. Notice your body tension. Yes, this is stressful. Okay, you can deal. This isn’t going to kill you. Take a deep breath.
2. Notice those negative thoughts—the ones that are shouting: He’s the doofuss! I’m not the doofuss! He’s the doofuss! Talk back to them. Say, “Hey, maybe I am the doofuss. Let’s hear him out. There’s nothing wrong with being a doofuss anyway.”
3. Listen.
4. When you feel the urge to stick up for yourself and tell your spouse why he (or she) is a doofuss and you are not, tell yourself over and over again: Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Focus on your breathing if needed.
5. Chances are all of this mental chatter (all of the times you’ve had to tell yourself to calm down and listen) has caused you to miss some of the criticism. So ask a few clarifying questions. For instance, “So you are angry because I came home late last night?” or “So you feel unappreciated because I forgot your birthday?”
6. If you can’t quite figure out what your spouse wants, ask, “What is it you would like me to do differently?” Again, listen.
7. Resist the urge to argue about how that what your spouse just said is the stupidest suggestion you’ve ever heard in your entire life. If you can bring yourself to say, “I’m sorry” – awesome. If not, say something like, “You’ve given me a lot to think about. I could use some time to think this over” or “I’m going to take this into consideration and give it some more thought. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.”
8. Give it some thought. Ask yourself questions like: Can I be a better spouse? What’s the harm of me trying this suggestion? Could this suggestion help us grow closer? Could it improve our marriage? Am I just fighting against it because I feel hurt?
Now, About That Plea for Help
You all really stimulated my creativity the other day with your questions about romance. I’m still working on this ebook and I’m hoping you can help me out again. This time, I’d like to know what you’d like to know about communication and about intimacy. Where do you struggle in those areas? What goals do you have in those areas? Leave me questions and suggestions in the comments so I can use them to make this free ebook even better.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
what about if your spouse doesn’t criticize you to your face, instead makes comments to others?
how to deal with that??
In communication, I tend to yell. A lot. I don’t know when I’m yelling (maybe because I’m the oldest of seven kids?) When something upsets me, I go from 0-60 and there is very little communication and more yelling on my side (so not fun to argue when the other person won’t partake in the crazy juice). How do I tell myself and remember to not go straight to yelling? It’s only with my husband and my side of the family that I do this with so it’s not like I’m yelling at random people
Great advice! The three most important things about real estate are location, location, location and the three most important things in a relationship are listen, listen again, and keep listening.
What if what your spouse is saying isn’t criticism, but just plain meanness? My husband and I rarely “criticize”, but he’s been known to just say downright mean things to me.
There’s very little communication and very little intimacy in our relationship at this point. We haven’t been married five years and we act like we’ve been married for 50.
Kelly J, here’s my 2 cents, sense I tend to yell at my husband, also – I know I yell because I don’t feel that he’s listening to me. It’s the same thing I had as a child growing up. I was the youngest and only girl – if I didn’t yell I wasn’t heard. I got in the habit of yelling. And even if I’m not yelling, my voice is loud due to hearing issues and when I get excited – either in anger or joy – I tend to get louder. So many times I’m accused of yelling when my voice is just raised. It drives me crazy. Especially when husband gets mad at me for yelling, yet he yells at me whenever he’s mad at me. It’s yet another damn double standard that I can’t stand.
For Kathy:
You’re right! I’m a loud person in general. Cell phone conversations are the worst. My husband pointed out that when I’m on the cell, I’m even louder than when I’m not (this horrifies me! I’m one of THOSE people :-O ). I just want to keep my yelling to a minimum and not lose my head which tends to happen a little too frequently.
Kelly J, I’m sure I’m louder on a cell phone. That’s why I nearly refuse to use one. LOL!!! So many people just use cell phones nowadays and I just can’t/won’t go there. I love my land line (home phone). I grew up without answering machines, I can certainly survive not “living” on a cell phone.
As far as losing your head – I think it just takes practice.
Kelly J and Kathy–you both just gave me another idea for a post. Thank you! (and for advice for the ebook)
Jill–I would have a conversation with him about how hurtful that is. I’m guessing that he doesn’t realize that his comments are getting back to you. Either that or he doesn’t have enough courage to say it face to face. Then to train him into saying it face to face, it’s important not to reward the talk around. Yes, bring up your hurt feelings, but don’t allow him to succeed by bad mouthing you to others, if that makes sense. It’s similar to me hearing my daughter whine about wanting me to read her a book and saying, “I will not do anything when you talk to me in that voice.” I’m responding to the problem, but I’m not rewarding the behavior.
Alisa Bowman´s last [type] ..How to Take Criticism
OK- I’ve gone through the sucky end of marriage and am for now treading water in the really wonderful end. When Ray says something hurtful to me I look him straight in the eye and say” Wow, that really hurt me. I didn’t know that whatever I did (or didn’t do) could cause such a strong reaction in you that you needed to hurt me in return. What can I do to make it up to you?”
Now since I am such an arrogant alpha that doesn’t just role off my tongue but it has been so important in our marriage healing. I needed to understand that he was expressing to me (inappropriately I know) a feeling of impotence in getting me to understand something that was bothering him and no matter how trivial or out there I may think it is if it is important to Ray it HAS TO BE important to me as his life partner. For Ray anger is most often a reaction to hurt. (Isn’t counseling grand!!)
From Ray: What do you do when right before bedtime you find out your wife is pissed at you and you want to get her un-pissed?
These are good tips about criticism. I’ve found that when it comes to work, I have to talk myself through criticism. So taking some time to think through what you’re being told can really help.
I would love to know how to deal with a spouse who puts his home projects before mine. We are newlyweds and new homeowners. He wants to fix the AC unit, the window screens, and other expensive projects and I would like to actually decorate our living room, bedroom, and buy storage bins to organize our stuff. I think he sees these things as insignificant and not worth our money right now, whereas his ideas are definitely important. So frustrating!
I would appreciate any advice on this sort of subject. Thank you!
Amanda, are the things your husband wants to do to the house important to it’s function – as in no A/C means it’s going to be miserably hot??? If it’s important to the function, I’m all for fixing those first, no matter how much I like to decorate a house. But if they aren’t, then might I suggest, first fix something on his list, then do some decorating from your list. A back and forth type of thing. That way it stays “balanced” and you each get something you want.
When my husband and I bought our house two years ago, I wanted to redo all the floors before we moved in. My husband was adamant about not moving in on 7 year old, 3 dog carpeting. But he thought the vinyl floor in the kitchen was “fine”. Ick!!! The vinyl floor in the kitchen was scarred and ugly and was about the same as 7 year old, 3 dog carpet to me. But I was totally fine not redoing the counter tops. So, we redid all the flooring in the house and I still have ugly, green marble-looking formica countertops.
And many rooms got painted before we moved. I’ve since learned of a much cheaper way of getting my walls painted – Oops! Paint from Home Depot or Lowe’s. It may not be the exact color or brand of paint you want, but you can usually find a gallon of paint for under $5.00. I’ve managed to buy 3 different gallons for under $5.00 each in colors that were close enough to what I had on swatches to do at least 3 – 4 rooms in the house.
Amanda–I think this is a beautiful way to work on compromise.
1. Start at the common ground: we both think what we want is important. (This is what everyone needs to realize: everyone things what they want is important–it’s what they want. If they didn’t think it was important, they wouldn’t want it).
2. Explore what’s not in common: what he thinks is important is different from what you think is important.
3. Validate that you both deserve to have what you think is important + there’s nothing wrong with either one of you for wanting what you want.
4. Problem solve: how can you compromise and both be happy? Take turns? One project is his. Next is yours? Budget a certain amount of $ for his stuff? Different pot of money for yours? Spend one year on his stuff, another year on your stuff?
Alisa Bowman´s last [type] ..How to Take Criticism
Oops–Ray, I meant to respond. Before bedtime anger is such a tough one. I still struggle with it. Sometimes I think we should just both go to bed because I know we’ll be in a better mood in the morning. But maybe something like this will help: “Honey I love you and I think you deserve to feel like a Goddess[ or something that you would say]. I can see you don’t feel like that right now and I suspect I have something to do about that. What can I do to help you feel happy/like a Goddess/etc again?” I think if my husband said something like that to me I’d melt and make him a v happy man.
Alisa Bowman´s last [type] ..How to Take Criticism
I know for sure i have a hard time communicating face to face which is why I usually resort to writing it all in a letter. sometimes he gets the letter sometimes I throw it out. I just needed to vent all my ugliness. When I reread it I can determine If I am the one being unreasonable. LOL! Sometimes I am. I dont take criticism well I feel attacked and my only response is usually silence and tears. I cant understand why I cant stand up for myself and say ” your words hurt me” and that is to anyone including my spouse. I feel like I am a strong person, believe me if you said something to my hubby or my kids I wouldnt even hesitate with a reaction. It is rather odd.
Lisa- I had the same problem , telling Ray when something he said or did hurt me and actually something Alisa said in a post quite a while ago helped me to understand why. When we look someone we love in the eye and admit to them that they hurt us we are being open and vulnerable to them. Being a strong person it is very hard to give anyone the power to hurt us and when we love someone they have a tremendous power to hurt us. Once I realized this I looked at Ray and decided to give him that power and trust he would never “knowingly” abuse it. He hasn’t let me down so far but I am new to this vulnerability thing.
Sarah Liz- I too feel romance through physical touch. That doesn’t always translates to sex but when the counselor pointed this out very clearly to Ray he did take it to heart and has started to be intentional in making sure he meets my touch need. For Ray he would feel romantic if we took the dogs for a long walk or I let him run amok in William Sonoma. It is really important to discover your spouses love language and meet their needs in the language they understand, you are so right.
Alisa – Good advice, my girlfriends absolutely refused to allow me to chime in on Ray’s question before you did and they were right, sometimes I need to shut up and let him find his way. It is great that he is now looking for answers. I think he is in love with me again and it feels great.
Another GREAT post Alisa. I didn’t get a chance to check out phea during the weekend. My beloved was quite sick & my band had 2 shows to do. I am actually glad it is Monday…LOL
The whole learning to take criticism is a REALLY tough one. To often I guess it is human nature to see it as a personal attack. It almost always makes us react defensivly. When it comes from our spouse it probably leads to more fights than anything. Soon both sides are getting angry & the fur & the dishes start flying….lol Neither my beloved or I have ever been yellers. As a matter of fact personally I couldn’t be with somebody who yells. I realize that some are just wired that way due to background & some people handle the other yelling well. Just not a fit for me. Before I met my beloved I broke up with 2 women because they were yellers. BUT they both also just plain had horrible tempers period so I was outta there. & NO that is not a criticism of yellers who posted here…lol Just doesn’t work for me
Very good suggestions on how to handle criticism. Excellent advice we can all take to heart. I have NO idea how someone can avoid the whole immediate reaction thing that most of us all do. Many times defensivness will lead to an attack on the person saying the criticism. A tit fir tat thing I guess.
One key would probably be how the person doing the criticism approaches it in the first place. 99% of the time when a person is criticizing body launguage & tone of voice are HUGE on how it is received. Most people I have ever seen criticizing do so in a VERY mean spirited way. They do it while raising their voice or have the piercing look.
With what Ray & Joanne were talking about, the key for me personally is to sometimes table it till the next day. That is HARD for most to do. It is that whole I need to talk about it NOW!!!!! thing we all do. Personally though I have found that 99% of things that caused a bad reaction on my part really don’t seem so bad the next day. That does take practice though.
Also a GREAT point that sometimes criticism can be seen as a positive. It can make us realize things that we may not have even been aware of. We all develop habits that we may not even realize are hurtful to the other. Most people don’t do anything to intentionally try to hurt their spouses. But it may be perceived that way by the other. If they point that out in a kind way then it makes us go “wow I either didn’t know I was doing it or didn’t know it was hurting you”.
It is also an excellent point that we should not criticize our spouse to others. That can be destructive. My beloved & I have a rule that we just don’t do that. We both find it disrespectful. Not to mention you never know if the person you are saying these things to has a hidden agenda. It can also send mixed signals to the person listening. Especially if they are of the opposite sex. We may just be upset about one issue but the other doesn’t know that. Soon they are criticizing our spouse & think we must not be happy. WOW I didn’t mean to ramble so long…LOL
Great Post Alisa
YOU ROCK
Ron
After some thought I had an idea. Yea a dangerous thing I know…lol
Perhaps if we need to discuss something that is bothering us & we know it will be perceived as criticism, we could approach it like this.
“Honey I need to talk to you about something but I want you to think about it before we discuss it”. Yesterday you said to the kids that daddy was being inconsiderate when he went to the ballgame without letting me know in advance so I could make arraingements because I had a trip planned with my sister”. “Why don’t we take some time after lunch to discuss that”
Yes what we said was a criticism because we felt disrespected by our wife to our kids. BUT it could avoid that immediate defensive reaction that our wife is going to have. We ALL would immediatly try to justify why we said what we did. Our reason may be valid but it would be easy to come back in an angry manner & say “well if you hadn’t dumped them on me like that I wouldn’t have said it”. This would quickly escilate into a big blow out when it wasn’t really that big of a deal to begin with. But if given time we may think about it, it wont seem so big & we could discuss it in a calm manner.
Now I have NO IDEA if that would work. It would go back to that whole I need to discuss this NOW!!!!! thing. It also isn’t meant as just a husband or just a wife thing. Being a man it was the only thing I could come up with..lol Just an idea.
Ron
Drummer Guy has an idea that I’ve used some since reading about the way to diffuse anxiety in “those conversations”
giving the guy the time and place of choice gives him the control, then the issue can be talked about on a more even level
instead of him feeling like he’s getting into trouble – seems to stem from childhood memories of females – mother, teacher, nun etc.
only tried it a few times but with success : )
Kathy & Alisa- Your advice is very, very helpful. Thank you! I can definitely try validating both of our needs and see if we can come up with a solution that mutually honors both of our desires. I guess it was difficult for me to see that because the AC is working fine for the most part and he wants to do a bunch of upgrades to the unit and the rest of the duct work, which is out of our budget. (If that makes sense?) My father-in-law offered to lend us the money to get it done, which threw me off guard because I wasn’t included in this conversation. I felt left out of the decision-making process- which hurt my feelings.
Joanne & Ray- Thank you explaining vulnerability. I realized I struggled with being vulnerable with my husband and thought I could just hide from being vulnerable to keep my power and protect myself. But I’m learning how to trust and let my guard down.
Amanda, you should be part of the discussion if your husband is taking a loan from your father-in-law. I’m guessing you both work, so you are both responsible for the money coming in and the money going out. Even tho I make no money, my husband doesn’t make a financial commitment without my understanding and agreement. That’s just the way it is.
Did you have a home inspection done on the house? If so, did that say there were some problems with the A/C unit &/or duct work? I can’t see spending money on something that doesn’t need money spent on it. So, if the A/C can wait, I would discuss with my husband letting it wait – maybe save the money to do the improvements. If it can’t wait, then make sure you’re part of the discussion to get a loan.
Amanda – Kathy is absolutely right. The first lesson your husband does need to understand is that he doesn’t enter into agreements like that without your input, support and understanding. My first husband did alot of that. He would slide deeper and deeper into debt then go to his dad for a bailout telling him it was me doing the spending. His dad always wrote the check but would admonish him to “get control of his wife”. I didn’t find out until years into our marriage that he was doing this and finally asked his father to stop writing out those checks and make us deal with the financial situation ourselves. He never stopped and my first husband never learned how to stand on his own two feet.
Okay, I cop to it – I really, really needed this post. I get SO defensive when criticized; I just immediately have to come up with nine reasons they’re completely wrong and really I’m just fine, thank you very much. I’m going to try your tips and see if I can open my ears just a bit. Thanks!
Ok, this is certainly not the post for me but I want to comment it anyway.
I am a software tester – my job is to find defects and report them. I do this from 9am to 6pm everyday and it seems to be taking place a lot longer than my working hours. So, yes, I complain a lot.
This allows me to observe my boyfriend dealing with my criticism. He listens. Sometimes he appologizes, sometimes he changes his behaviour and sometimes he does nothing about it. We argue very rarely. Most of the times I just complain and get no answer (so annoying!).
So, I’m working on being more selective on criticism, althoug it’s hard not to talk about something that bothers me. Maybe the key is not to pay attention to every detail (as I must do at work).
Btw, Alisa, I’m loving your blog!! I’m so happy that I accidentally found it on the web
If I am the only one of my group of 2 doing this, how can I keep from feeling like a doormat?
Right on the mark! Resist the temptation to be negative and listen up. Approach criticism with the “maybe I can learn something from this” attitude.
Also, keep alert to how the criticism could have been better presented. Might come in handy when you have a complaint to raise. Criticism is a lot better received and acted upon when it is presented in a non-negative way.
Jo Goodman´s last [type] ..Save My Marriage Today