AKA
The Art of Transparency
Photo courtesy of Teresia
The other day, my daughter and I were walking out of the post office. One of those huge rectangular sedans—probably a Lincoln Continental—had pulled up behind my car. Its front bumper was practically kissing my back bumper. I thought, “Dang it lady. Now I’m going to have to work harder to get my car out of that space. Didja have to park so close to my car?!”
It wasn’t one of my better moments.
The driver was a stereotypical little old lady. She had this tiny body that was engulfed by this huge driver’s seat. Her window was down. Her withered arm was reaching out the window. She was holding an envelope in her hand, and she was staring me down and smiling.
As I walked toward my car and her, her smile grew wider and she shook her arm slightly, waving the envelope as she did so.
My initial annoyance drained out of me as I thought, “This is a great learning opportunity.”
“Honey,” I said to my daughter. “Walk up to that lady and ask her if you can help her with her mail.”
My daughter did. They lady smiled even bigger as she handed my daughter the envelope.
“Now go put it in the box over there,” I said.
My daughter did. The lady thanked us.
“That was a good thing that you just did,” I told my daughter as we got in the car. “It’s always good to help little old ladies.”
Later, to help reinforce the lesson, I told my husband all about it while my daughter was in earshot. I was so proud of her, but all I got out of him was a, “that’s nice.”
And just like that I was aware of something that had been nagging me. For weeks I’d had this feeling that something was wrong with my marriage. It felt as if a shoe was about to drop. Because I couldn’t explain precisely why I felt this way, I had chalked it all up to hormones and fatigue.
But then, as soon as my husband said, “that’s nice,” I knew exactly what was wrong. He didn’t know me anymore, and I was worried that he would not fully adore me if I dared to reveal my true self to him.
Now, you might be wondering: How after 11 years of marriage could a man possibly not know his wife? How, after a huge marital improvement project and a very public blog, could there be a single secret left to uncover?
I’ll tell you how.
1. My husband doesn’t read my blog regularly. He mostly only catches the entries that are titled “my husband is a dumbass” or that a friend of his has mentioned to him.
2. I’ve changed—a lot—in the past year.
A year ago? I not only did not believe in Karma, I wasn’t even completely sure what it was. A year ago I was not meditating every day. A year ago I did not start every day with a mission to spread happiness. A year ago I was not consciously trying to do good deeds at every turn.
It’s not as if I was a bad person before the Karma Project, but I wasn’t consciously trying to be a good person, either. Now, doing good is a life mission. As a result, I make different decisions than I did a year ago.
And some of these decisions affect my husband.
And my husband doesn’t have a Karma Project.
So sometimes I don’t tell him about some of these decisions. For instance, a few months back I learned of a woman with cancer who was having a hard time paying her bills. She was a friend of a friend and she didn’t know me from Adam. I got her address and I sent her a check.
I did this during a time when money was exceptionally tight in our household. Truth be told, I did this during a time when I was forcing my family to make due with Guaranteed Value toilet paper.
That is but one of many examples of secrets I’ve kept from my husband.
It didn’t feel good to keep these secrets, though. And I suspected that I didn’t need to keep them.
So I told him about my Karma Project. He said, “What’s Karma?” It took some explaining. Apparently he’d missed all of the blog posts I’d written on the topic.
As I explained, I felt naked and vulnerable. I had a hard time maintaining eye contact and my words came out in a halting whisper.
“Does this bother you?” I asked.
“No, why would it bother me?” he asked.
We talked some more. Eventually, he raised his arm and presented me with his flat palm and a smile. I slapped his palm.
“Way to go, Momma,” he said. “I’m proud of you.”
Not adore me? Why on Earth would I ever think that?
Do you keep a part of yourself hidden from your spouse? Do you worry that there are parts of you that your spouse will not adore? Are you transparent in your marriage or do you keep secrets? How do you think your marriage might change if you allowed your spouse to know all of you? Leave a comment.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post. Transparency is exactly what I have been working on for the last 18 months. I’ve got nothing to hide. I never did, but apparently it seemed I did. I wish I had more to say, but I have difficulty putting my thoughts “on paper”.
I am by no means transparent. I will willingly admit to have so many walls around me to protect me from the outside world. Some walls have come down but not all. I apparently dont have enough faith in people to be vulnerable for them. I am honest with my husband, but there is also a lot that I keep to myself, not secrets, just thoughts and what not. I am an introvert and he isnt and he cant handle that side of me. Will I ever be “transparent”, may be not, but I can be honest.
Let’s see….If I let my spouse know all of me she may run for the hills..lol J/K
But truth be told I am nowhere near transparent. In my case the reason is very different to say the least. If she did know more she would probably actually admire me more because I don’t hide things that are actually bad. I will try to explain.
As pretty much everybody knows we have been dealing with what is considered a terminal illness for some time now. What most people don’t know is that before my beloved became so ill she suffered from severe panic attacks. Strange thing is now that she has something to really worry about she is much less prone to them. But she does still really freak out over some things. So as a result I don’t always let her know just how bad things sometimes are.
I also many times have to keep some emotions to myself. If something bad has happened & really upset me I can’t show that around her. If I do she breaks down & goes into a bad tailspin. This has an even worse effect on her physically & exagerates her illness. So sometimes I have to wait until I can be alone to let it out. I have had many people tell me that is the wrong thing to do & I would agree if we were in a normal situation. It is easy to say when someone isn’t living this. I have tried to be more open but the result is not worth the pain it causes her.
So as a result I many times just have to carry the burdens on my own. But I have learned to live with it. I am also the first to admit that this is a really unique situation. It wouldn’t work or be healthy for 99% of the marriages out there. But we all sometimes have to go into protect our spouse or kids mode which may require times when we aren’t as open. I can imagine many situations where we have to be less forthcoming to protect our kids.
I have seen many parents who believe in being totally open with their kids. As a result they many times place burdens on the kids that most adults would have a hard time dealing with. I used to counsel youth in a former church & would see parents talking to their kids about adult stuff that should NEVER be discussed with kids. Usually because they wanted to bash their spouse & they are far more concerned with their need to vent than they are their kids welfare. Sad but true. But children are just not equipped to deal with adult problems. But as a general rule in marriage not a good idea. Well that’s my 2 cents…lol
Ron
I’m channeling you again, Alisa.
My husband knows so little about me right now. It’s not even funny. It’s actually very scary. I would tell him nearly anything, but he says he’s so stressed with work that he just doesn’t have the time or the interest in what’s going on with me. Does that bother me? I have mixed feelings about it.
He doesn’t know or remember (I’m not sure which) all the changes I went thru with my counseling. He started being “overly stressed” due to work about a month after I finished my counseling. Been kind of a bother. Here I am doing great and feeling great and my never gets crabby for more than a few minutes husband is a royal pain in the arse to live with currently.
Would I like to tell him that I’m having fun with my “sisters” (women’s group)? Yes.
Would I like to tell him how proud I am of my daughter (his step-daughter) and that I’m slipping her some money? Yes.
Would I like to say “honey, I miss being in love with you”? Yes.
Would I like to tell him that quitting smoking greatly improved my sex drive? Damn straight I would.
But I don’t. Why? Because he isn’t “here” to tell.
I would love for my husband to know all of me as he did when we first got together. But right now I don’t think he cares. Or maybe he does, but he does have the attention to care. I don’t know. And I’m tired of trying to figure it out.
Hell, he hasn’t even noticed that I cancelled him as a friend on Facebook. And when he figures it out, he’ll probably be pissed or be passive aggressive about it.
I’m taking care me. And when he’s ready to be a part of this marriage again, I hope he can see all the changes I’ve been thru to improve myself, to make me a better person and a better wife.
I learned not to keep secrets in my first marriage. Secrets can be so detrimental and destroy trust …
My husband knows every part of me, and if he doesn’t know something about me, he will eventually! I have tried to make an effort not to hide anything about myself, simply because to me, secrets are exhausting. If I started hiding anything from him now, it would change my marriage for the worst I think.
I’m a little of both transparent and guarded, I think. Is that even possible?
I’m someone who can’t hide when something’s bothering me. It’s written all ove rmy face. That’s the super tranparent part of me. On the flip side, when I’m happy, I’m happy… sad, it shows… angry, excited, surprised… my emotions tend to just show.
That being said, I’ve also had to watch my “vomit mouth” as I like to call it. I have some anxiety that I deal with, sometimes on a daily basis, and if I don’t watch it, I could go for days talking about nothing but how uncomfortable I feel in my own skin… often for “no particular reason” (which I know isn’t necessarily true… there’s usually some reason… but often, it’s such a vague reason that it isn’t worth mentioning on a daily basis). So I’ve been working on just “sitting” with my anxiety rather than talking about it. For me, talking is a release and makes me feel better. But day after day of this type of situation wears on my husband and makes him feel as if he has to tip toe around things because he doesn’t want to make me feel anxious. I understand this, so I try to work on this part of me.
As for the rest, I don’t know that I keep a lot from him. Honestly, he’s probably the more opaque one in the relationship. It’s not that we keep secrets from each other… things come out eventually. I’ve never felt that anything major was hidden. But I can understand why this happens sometimes.
Ray and I would have to have some kind of meaningful communication before I could be transparent with him, I just see that happening at this point. It seems like the only time we talk is in the marriage counselors office and nothing seems to ever be resolved or get better. At least for me. Ray on the other hand has all he ever wanted, I can’t yell at him, I can’t express my problems because anything I say can be turned around and wound his inner little boy, but he still can retreat from anything he doesn’t want to deal with and I will still support the house and our lifestyle that he really keeps me around for.
I’m beginning to think that the almost $1000 a month this is costing me would be better spent going to charity but I’m afraid if I admit defeat here I am accepting that there is no hope for my marriage, counseling was the last thing I could think of after nothing else has worked.
Joanne, my 2 cents. And tell me to shut up, if you want.
My counselor refuses to do marriage counseling until BOTH couples have had individual counseling. So that both inner children have been taking care of first.
I know if my husband and I had had counseling before my inner child had been cared for, he probably wouldn’t have been allowed to breath (yes, an exaggeration, but you get my point). And at this point, my counselor wouldn’t see us because he’s has no individual counseling and I wouldn’t be allowed to breath.
Kathy- I appreciate everytime to chime in, really. I wouldn’t put it out there if I didn’t want to hear suggestions from other people. This site is the only place I have to discuss some things and I think part of that is because I feel safe with all of you.
The way we have the counseling structured now is we go one week together then the next week is individual, then the following week is together again and the fourth week is the other individual session. My feeling is that Ray has no accountability for any attempt to work on this. His soul contribution so far is that he comes to the sessions and I suppose at least that is something but unless he decides to invest in this personally it isn’t going to work. I’m losing hope or am just afraid to continue hoping, I don’t know which.
Joanne, for me personally, the arrangement you describe still would NOT have worked. There were months were I hated my husband during my counseling. So me dealing with my inner child one week and then on the marriage the next, would have COMPLETELY backfired. That may not be your situation, but I know for me it would have been.
I get it. Hubby and I have been having a horrible go of it for the last few months. If I had a job, I’d walk out the door in a heart beat. But I don’t have a job and TX is a NO alimony state. I’d be living on the streets.
I’d talk to your counselor about individual counseling with NO marriage counseling, until both parties are done with their individual needs. Just me.
I enjoyed all the comments & reading the various ways people handle openess. Especially given my situation. Gave me a lot to think about. I also agree with the damage keeping secrets can do. But I also think there is a difference (& I am sure most would agree) between keeping secrets & having some semblence of privacy even in marriage.
For instance I would never pry into my beloveds emails. I know her passwords & she knows mine in case we ever have an emergency come up. But baring some emergency I would NEVER look in her email, facebook etc. We have total trust with each other & know neither would ever stray, so why would we look? Shoot we couldn’t stray even if we wanted to. Between her illness & my being broke from it who has the time, energy or money to cheat…lol
I know I may be guilty of not telling her everything as far as our current situation but that is to protect her & keep her from getting even sicker due to added stress. It does mean that I have to carry a LOT more stress myself but that is my job as her husband. I would do anything within my power to be as good a caregiver as I can. She is a wonderful woman who deserves that.
Everybody have a GREAT Day
Ron
I wouldn’t say I was transparent, but I try to share all that I have… though it is hard sometimes because I KNOW that he thinks my prattle is tiresome and frustrating… yes every time I open my mouth he thinks it prattle LOL. And yes I am okay with it…NOW.
But we had some issues with trust so I do try to give as much information as possible.
Still working on his sharing though.
And by the way he also doesn’t read my blog even though he knows that I am writing on couples and how they should communicate! Oh well that will be men for you.
Gayle´s last [type] ..The Newlywed Game and the Sunday Newspaper
Hi @ Kathy just reading your comment and I totally understand what you are saying, my husband is like that too. He is so easily overwhelmed with everything and it seems as if the world is crushing in on him it drives me batty. However we had a big blowout last year and it made me realize that because he is fragile and closing in and not able to share with me or hear from me doesn’t necessarily mean that he is closing off from the marriage…. Where am I going with this …last year my husband was shocked when I told him I was tired and was thinking of moving on and he felt like I was bailing on him YUP he thought I was bailing on him when I had pretty much thought he had bailed on us already.
So what I am saying is ride it out his rough time will come to an end and then you two can work at it again.
By the way thanks Alisa for this post
Gayle´s last [type] ..The Newlywed Game and the Sunday Newspaper
Thanks, Gayle. I’m not walking out. I don’t have a job or resources.
Our friend came for dinner Monday and has convinced him (nudged him) to go see a “counselor” (not a real counselor, but someone my husband is really to see). I was so happy to hear from our friend that he’d noticed some things not so right with my husband. It sure helps to not feel that’s it’s just me.
I’m giving him some time. Hopefully he’ll snap out of this and we’ll finally be able to have a real marriage. And not this living in the same house and being husband and wife in appearance only.
I’ve only been reading your blog a short time, so I don’t really know what’s going on, but when I read this post, the thing that immediately struck me was that is a a symptom of blogging. I have a blogging life, and blogging friends and a whole little world where my husband is just a character referred to as DH. He knows about my blog and is able to read it, but doesn’t really get involved. I think he would feel like he was checking up on me if he did too much of that and that isn’t our marriage.
But what I learned a short while into blogging is that I do have to make an effort to merge these two worlds. I tell him about posts that I’ve written that I’m particularly proud of. I tell him about other bloggers that I read and what’s going on with them. Blogging is something that makes me happy, but I’m my job to merge it in with the other parts of my life appropriately. I guess that’s transparency.
Have you seen Julie and Julia? We finally watched it the other day and it was very interesting to see from the prospective of a blogger and husband of a blogger. There are definitely a few issues that come up in the movie that we have dealt with on our own scale.
amanda´s last [type] ..Tighty-whiteys
@ Kathy that sounds like a step … a tiny one but a step all the same. Yeah the living as distant roommates can be rather distressing. Hope this means a turn around for you.
Gayle´s last [type] ..The Newlywed Game and the Sunday Newspaper
I think the transparancy issue is similar to an earlier blog on living life as if your every move was being filmed and shown to your partner. Keeping some things from your spouse to GENUINELY protect them is fine – that can even be considered an act of love (i.e. Ron’s concerns regarding his wifes medical condition), but if you’re keeping it from them because it might embarrass you or get you in some sort of trouble marriage-wise that is not good, and not honouring your vows and your partner.
I’m glad you told him, as vulnerable as it made you feel. And even gladder that he responded well. I love your karma project. I am adopting it too. Secrets = no good. Telling the truth all the time = hard. Marriage = compromise, which is not always easy.
Jennifer Margulis´s last [type] ..So You Want to be on TV
This really really resonated with me. I have been thinking the same thing about my husband for almost 18 months, and I haven’t known how to fix it. I still don’t, but I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling it.