We have a storage room in our basement. As with most storage rooms, the place is a junk magnet.
Until yesterday, it was loaded with piles and piles of old clothes and other old stuff that was destined for Goodwill. There were my old computers that never did quite make their way to an electronics recycling center, lots of old bike parts and paraphernalia, VCR tapes that I have no idea what to do with now that we don’t own a VCR, a huge stack of priceless art work (the kid is very prolific), old photos, every trophy my husband has ever won, and much, much more.
It was a clutter bomb.
Yesterday, my husband defused that clutter bomb. I don’t know what he did with all of the crap that had once been in that room. I did not ask. All I know is that the storage room is now seemingly 10 times larger than it once was.
It’s a miracle is what it is.
As I stood in the room and marveled at his workmanship, he said, “Um, I’ve got some bad news for you.”
My body tensed up. What? A leaky pipe? Some treasured thing of mine that I didn’t even know I owned was now ruined? The washing machine was broken? What?
“It seems as if your dog took a dump in this room at some point.”
“Just once?” I asked.
“Seemingly so.”
“That’s bad news?” I asked. “Because pooping in the house just once? I don’t see that as a big deal. If you had found a giant pile of poop, I might consider that to be a big deal. But one little terd? Not a big deal.”
Silently to myself, I was thinking: Bad news is needing a new roof. Bad news is someone dying. Bad news is my car engine blowing up. Bad news is finding out that one of us has a terminal disease.
Bad news is not the dog pooping in the basement and no one accidentally stepping in it.
Never Tell Someone You’ve Got Bad News
Unless, of course, you’ve really got bad news.
Similarly, you might want to stay away from the following lines:
- We need to talk.
- I have something I need to tell you.
Sure, these lines are fine if they are being followed by something like, “I have divorce papers and I want you to sign them” or “I’ve been boning your best friend.” That’s what most people (okay perhaps it’s just ME) are bracing for when such lines are said.
Those two lines put your spouse on the defense. The suit of armor comes on. Your spouse readies for battle.
And then you follow up with, “There’s mold growing in the toilet.”
Really? I don’t need my suit of armor for mold growing in the toilet. Gloves maybe, but definitely not a suit of armor.
I think we use such openers because we’re trying to ease our spouse into the discussion, but they generally make every discussion worse. As soon as you’ve said, “We need to talk,” your spouse is already thinking about why you don’t need to talk and about how he’s going to prove that fact to you.
It’s also my firm belief that we all tend to talk too much when asking for change. We go on and on and on and on about how a particular action affected us. We really drive the point home. We come up with analogies and stories and all sorts of things because we are just assuming our request for change is going to result in an argument, so we try to cut that argument off before it starts by pummeling our spouse with evidence that proves we are right and justified.
But, again, I think this makes things worse because it only encourages our spouses to dig in and to argue right back about how we are wrong and unjustified.
Or maybe these things only happen in my marriage.
At any rate, I recently discovered a handy little trick that you can use to ask for change without putting your spouse on the defensive. It has two parts.
Part 1: Start with the phrase, “Oh, by the way….”
Part 2: Keep your request to three sentences or fewer. Like this: “Oh, by the way, could you not comment on what you don’t like about what I made for dinner. I’d be a lot happier if you didn’t do that. Cool?”
It has worked for me. Maybe it will work for you. Let me know what you think.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
AMEN!! I hate hearing these terms and immediately think the worst when I do. I have had a rule against them for many years but sometimes people, including my husband, forget. My stomach drops and my heart races. The last time it was…..drumroll for the drama…..our son accidentally left the hose on all night. No, nothing flooded, except the backyard….but the water bill is going to be higher than usual. SERIOUSLY??!!! I almost killed him.
Cyndi´s last [type] ..iHacked!
It is like saying “the cat is on the roof”!
Melanie´s last [type] ..DIY Clean Green Oven Cleaner
Alisa, I swear we are twins.
We need to talk and I have bad news send me into a total and complete freak out in my head. I have no memory of how my parents informed my brothers and I of their divorce. I have no memory how my mother told me she had breast cancer. But I’m pretty sure those two life changing events were started with either “We need to talk” or “I have bad news” or “I have something to tell you”.
Mold in the toilet, dog poop or puke on the floor – a walk in the park. And does not need to begin with any of the above preambles. For me, that total and complete freak out, comes out in my response to the information I am given, because I don’t really think I hear it. I’m too stressed about how I’m going to deal with the “nuclear bomb” that just got dropped in my life.
I love your preamble and keeping it short and sweet.
I am guilty of doing that to my husband and he does brace himself for whatever I have to say, and its mostly nothing to get defensive about. I have tried, “Can I talk to you about something”, but that gets the same reaction. So i will try some of your methods.
I think if I told my beloved I was boning her best friend she would REALLY freak out since her best friend is a gay man…. I crack me up
Seriously though I think most people do tend to over discuss things. It is so funny I have told my beloved so many times she just can’t take yes for an answer. What I mean by that is she will want to do something, buy something or what ever & tell me her reasons why. I almost always say yes. She then keeps giving more reasons, I say yes, she then keeps giving more reasons which may allisit the response of “Honey do you want me to say no, I have said yes 3 times”. Enjoyed the post Alisa.
You ROCK,
Ron
LOL!! Ron you crack me up too!!! I love reading this blog. It makes my day!
I do agree that there is way to much discussion we tend to want to beat the topic down to a pulp… very exhausting.
“Oh, by the way….” will not work in my house that line and ‘oh I think you should know’ drives my hubster bunkers and he loses it LOL
I just have to shoot it straight when I want to talk now warm up phrase LOL
As Communication Czar (self-proclaimed!), I wholeheartedly agree with your two part equation. You want to make it as easy as possible for the other person to comply with your wish or request. If you give too much information, you invite a complex discussion of each and every point, which can easily devolve into a debate. Also, when you give 17 reasons why you want (or don’t want) your spouse to do something, he or she can easily feel criticized and get defensive. Great post.
I have found that the style in which we approach is everything. I have said the words, “we need to talk” and various other impending doom-like statements to my husband many times. If he were a cartoon character, his ears would become doors that would slam shut with a puff of dust….or invisible force fields would be activated with me mouthing my silent compaints on the other side….hahahaha. I like the “OBTW…” start.
Ron-That’s so funny what you say about your wife not taking yes for an answer. I find myself doing the same thing sometimes. I’m arguing my point with my husband, and he agrees with me, but I keep arguing my side. And he’s says, “Babe, I agreed with you.” Oh, whoops…guess sometimes I just want to argue!
Love this post Alisa!
LOL Melissa, Maybe it is a female thing. My first wife did the same thing to. It is rarely an argument thing with my beloved. I can’t even recall anything I have said no to. I’m sure there must be a few though. Ocassionally she will ask about something that doesn’t even need to be asked. It is nice though that she considers me before doing some things.
It does get funny though. Like lets say she ask if she can eat the last apple (a made up example). “It’s food honey, I’m not going to let you go hungry”. Then come all the reasons she needs to eat the apple. “It’s food honey eat all you want”. Then comes the various reasons eating the apple will improve her health. “It’s food honey eat all you want”. This is followed by all the reasons that apple needs to be eaten before it goes bad. “Yea honey your right & by the time you finish listing all the reasons you should eat that apple it WILL go bad…..CRUNCH!. This is followed by me saying, “Hey honey that was a good apple, thanks”. I crack me up..lol
I do love the obsertities we all do in marriage. It’s just one of the things that makes it such a wonderful journey.
Ron
“It’s also my firm belief that we all tend to talk too much when asking for change. We go on and on and on and on about how a particular action affected us. We really drive the point home. We come up with analogies and stories and all sorts of things because we are just assuming our request for change is going to result in an argument, so we try to cut that argument off before it starts by pummeling our spouse with evidence that proves we are right and justified.”
Guilty as charged, Alisa. And you are so right. I need to work on this and try to be more succinct and less blah blah blah blah when communicating with both my husband and my kids.
It’s great that the storage room is now ten times its size. And funny how your husband says it’s “your” dog. I get the sense that the dog (and accompanying poop) is not his favorite thing in the house?
Jennifer Margulis´s last [type] ..So You Want to be on TV
I never thought about this before! I actually thought that by prefacing my suggestions/comments with, ‘can we talk about something?’, I was doing the right thing. Now looking back, I can see why my husband always rolls his eyes
I had the same thought as Jennifer – about your husband saying “your” dog. Perhaps that is why he framed the statement so seriously?
sheryl´s last [type] ..Seven Great Ways to Deal With Anger
Shorter = better. You recommend 3 sentences and that sounds good. I have also heard 10 words and you know what? – it’s usually enough!
Much agreed Alisa. When I think back on what has worked for my husband and I, your advice is right on.
Oh, the dog really is my dog. The dog loves me way more than he loves my husband. He follows me around the house. And it was my idea to adopt him. I trained him and feed him, etc.
Every once in a while my husband says “your daughter” when telling me a story about some naughty thing our daughter did. But I do that to him, too. It’s our way of saying, “this naughty thing is a result of your gene pool and not mine.” Just an inside joke between us, but it probably would sound bad to someone overhearing it, I’m sure.
Alisa Bowman´s last [type] ..No- Honey- We Don’t Need to Talk
I love this! My husband is a “worst case scenario” kind of guy. Though he gets over stuff quickly, his first reaction is always “OHhhh, NOOOOO, the sky is falling!” It doesn’t really matter if it’s an old, mummified, un-stepped-in dog turd in the storage room closet (we made the exact same discovery last week!) or something worse; he’s always the type to freak out first and ask questions later.
We’ve had to have very similar discussions–honey, if it’s not TRULY an emergency or a really bad thing, please don’t set it up as though it is!
Have learned this one –more than once–by the look of fear on my son’s face. I try to remember not to start a sentence with “I have something to tell you…”
It’s redundant anyway, and it not only sets someone up but it also sort of implies that you don’t expect to be listened to unless you make it a really big deal, which is kind of pathetic, now that I think about it.
sarah henry´s last [type] ..Berkeley Bites- Tu David Phu- Saul’s Delicatessen