A Reader Participation Post
I got this question from a reader, slightly edited by me.
“… One the reasons we have problems is because we are always on different pages. When he’s having a great day and happy I’m not and vice versa. When he’s in the “mood” I’m not because of the way he approaches it and vice versa. He likes it in the morning, I like getting frisky at night. When I’m feeling all lovey dovey, he’s not and so on. What on Earth can we do to get on the right page because it’s always hit and miss?” — Not On the Same Page
I have an unusual take on this, and I’ll be curious to read what others say in the comments. My take is this: most couples are not on the same page. Sure, there are those envious ones who seem to agree on everything and do everything together.
And then there are the rest of us. If you continually compare yourself to couples who are in sync, you will forever feel as if your relationship is lacking. I would suggest a different approach. Take a good hard look at your situation and ask yourself a few questions:
1. What parts about not being in sync seriously bother me vs. what parts do I worry about because I have an ideal in my head about what happy couples are like and this does not fit that ideal?
2. What can I do about the things that seriously bother me?
For instance, let’s say the mismatched sexual desire really bothers you. You could sit there and wish that your husband would just get in the mood at the same time as you and never make any progress. Or, you could try some compromises.
For instance, this past Sunday my husband was in the mood. I wasn’t. I was in the womanly way, if you know what I mean, and I feel dreadful, ugly, smelly and the opposite of sexy when all of that is going on. So I forced him to submit to a blowjob. He rather enjoyed being forced to submit to this.
That was a compromise, one that made me happy (because my pants stayed on) and him happy (because his pants came off).
I’m not saying that it’s the best compromise for you, but there are many other possible compromises you could make. For instance, the person who is not in the mood at any given moment could ask the person who is in the mood, “Please help me get in the mood.” Or, you might try sex in the morning every other time, and then in the evening every other time.
Is it a perfect world? No. But, as I said, I don’t believe in the perfect world. It’s my firm belief that the perfect world is an illusion. In an imperfect world, compromises and brainstorming are in order.
Readers: what advice do you have to share for Not On the Same Page?
A professional journalist, Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir of how she saved her marriage, and coauthor of Pitch Perfect, a must-read if you've ever had a sense of dread tie up your insides before a speech, presentation, or conversation. If you enjoyed this post, you will no doubt love her updates on Facebook and Twitter.