Comments on: How to Navigate Tough Times, Part 2

By: Bern

Bern — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 01:15:57 +0000

Annes story is one that is all too common, but I think she has the right attitude; you can’t change the other person, you can only work on yourself. If they want to come along they will, and if they think the options out there are better then they won’t. Drummer Guy succinctly spells out the realities of affairs (emotional and physical) – the odds are heavily stacked against them working out long term, and look at the damage done to a spouse, children, extended family, etc.

By: Drummer Guy

Drummer Guy — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 16:55:51 +0000

Lisa not sure I would have an answer for that one. Personally I like a little space & some me time once in a while. I guess I am also a bit of a loner in some ways. Now that my beloved is so sick I rarely get any of that, so on the rare ocassion I do, I enjoy it. It may go back to my first marriage. My ex was an Air Force Officer so she was gone a lot, so I got used to it. But that is just me & I would think different people are different in that area. have a GREAT day.

Ron

By: Lisa

Lisa — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 14:08:02 +0000

Anne I too asked my husband if he would have felt the same if he or even she brought their children along to meet. Of course it would be different. Yes the internet has made things easier, but that is not the case with my husband. I just wish right now I could go back and feel the comfort level I had before. Yesterday we had company, his friend and his new girlfriend. She did not leave his side for a minute. I personally see that as insecurity. My husband and I had been so comfortable before that he could go and do what he wanted and vice versa. Now he wants to be near me 24/7. Maybe it is his insecurity. I dont know. Maybe I was wrong maybe the freedom made him feel alone. and unhappy. Maybe he wants to be by my side. I just dont really get it. Ron maybe you have an answer for this one?

By: Drummer Guy

Drummer Guy — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 12:22:21 +0000

Thanks Anne. That would make sense. The internet has made a lot of things possible that wouldn’t have been so many years ago. I am with you also. I love my wife more than anything but I sure don’t have time for nor desire 2 wives…lol I have seen a couple of shows on the subject of poligamy & thought “why would you want more than one wife, physically or emotionally? That would just be too much work….lol

Ron

By: anne

anne — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 20:38:37 +0000

I remembering saying to him, “if you had to write a real letter and mail it to her house for her to open in the presence of her entire family…would you write the same thing?”

cell phones and the internet have made it so easy to do things that would not have happened in the past – so there are now “emotional affairs” from hundreds of miles apart

and it is easy to sit and type things that you wouldn’t say if you had to follow through…if you had to live together day in and day out…real life!

it’s easy to be cheerful and encouraging and sexy…all while taking care of your own family and responsiblities…I guess….haven’t done that and never will…too busy taking care of my own life to want to take on another husband : )

By: Drummer Guy

Drummer Guy — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 13:08:47 +0000

Anne I really found your comments interesting. Much wisdom there. It also caused me to go back & read some of the many comments on the same situation just different people. I wonder if this is a newer thing happening today. I only say that because until a few years ago I had never even heard the term “Emotional Affair”. But I can see how easily one could get caught up in it. I read a book a few years back that I wish I could remember the name of & the author. The book for the most part was all about the fantasy that affairs (either emotional or physical) usually are. I commented on it in a couple of post.

The book may have been called “the Pitfalls of Affairs” or the “Fantasy of Affairs”. It had many studies in it & stats that back them up. It stated that most but not all of them happen during mid life for both men & women. It also stated that most people caught up in emotional affairs don’t even see it as an affair because sex was never involved. But on the other hand it also said that most who see just how fantasy based they are stop the behavior. One of the sats was that marriages that started out as an affair have a 90%+ rate of falier. I wonder if anybody has read the book & knows the author could post it here to help others?

I would imagine as with most things in marriage that if the offender is told all of this from their spouse they will reject it outright. But perhaps if they read it in a book or even offered the same thoughts on the subject from somebody else they may actually listen & contemplate the issue. It is an odd thing that this seems to be true but I have seen it from my beloved many times as well as in my first marriage. It is kind of humorous. Not about an affair (NOTHING humorous about that) but about us giving advice & how it is received from us by our spouses.

I don’t know how many times I have told my beloved something that she brushes off or see’s it otherwise. But let a friend or relative offer the same advice & she says “yea that makes sense”. That used to dumbfound me but I have learned to look at it with humor. After all is seem to just be a human trait. But perhaps those who are in the midst of this & the pain an emotional affair can cause would benefit from the book. I am sure there probably are other books that address this same issue the same way. But it would seem to be helpful to both the spouse who has had this done to them & the spouse who would be the offender. Maybe if somebody knows it they could post it.

Best of luck to everybody
Ron

By: anne

anne — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 01:31:16 +0000

same story here…23 years and high school reunion with old girlfriend…both married, both staying married…but with cell phones and the internet…too easy to re-connect and have an emotional affair…still communicate some (I’m guessing, since he hasn’t told me otherwise)

having said that, I looked at it as an opportunity to restructure our marriage, once we decided we were both wanting to continue it…counseling…learning what happened to create an atmosphere where someone else could step in…and yes, some days (minutes!)
are easier than others…sometimes I “divide the assets in my mind” too(as I’m sure he has also)

and there are moments when I remember why I married him in the first place and there are moments when I could kill him in his sleep…

his solution is to say it’s all over; they’re just friends and I need to forget about it…
time does heal wounds…and love goes on…just a different kind of love…older, wiser, more cynical?

I know I can’t change him or make him do (or not do) anything…
I can change myself
and not push the hot buttons…
and hope he sees what real love is…honoring vows and commitments and loving in good times and bad…
not just daydreaming about times gone by when life was young and there were no responsibilities…those people don’t really exist anymore…

By: Lisa

Lisa — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 15:18:51 +0000

sorry about that. You should look back and remember ask yourself what is more important to be right or to be happy?

By: Lisa

Lisa — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 15:17:57 +0000

Faith, I firmly believe that you have the power to change your feelings. even when I was going thru all of this stuff I looked back in my mind to the past and remembered why I love this guy. I remember our first kiss, it warms my heart. I look around my yard at the flowers we have planted thru the years and they are all in bloom again it warms my heart, I look at my kids and know that he gave them to me. Instead of feeling sad which believe me I did feel I just want to be greatful for what I have right now. you have to make a choice. Either forgive or move on. You sh

By: Robin

Robin — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 14:58:53 +0000

Funny that you say that Lisa. I’ve been trying to be trusting, at least in God, if I can’t fully trust my husband. And I’ve made changes but going back to work and school after 20 years of staying at home, while it’s made me feel better, has not helped my situation. My biggest fault, and the one that creates so much distance is my anger/yelling. I just can’t seem to change that the instant response to most emotions that I have, is that I cover it all up in a big blanket of anger and yelling. I do not do it as often, especially with the kids. But I still do it and my husband seems to keep track of it. I think it may be hopeless to change this and it’s the one thing that he points to.