How to Meditate

AKA

The Karma Series, Part 6

AKA

Marriage Improvement Monday

There are many misconceptions about meditation. Take any of the following:

The primary benefit of meditation is relaxation.

You have to meditate for 2 hours a day—just as Elizabeth Gilbert did in Eat, Pray, Love—in order to experience any benefits.

If you meditate too much, you’ll start to sound like any airy hippie who has just smoked a doobie.

Meditation can’t save your marriage.

There is only one best way to meditate. If you are not doing it that way, you are wasting your time.

If your mind never shuts up during meditation, you are a failure and should just stop trying. Some people are good at it, others just aren’t.

You must meditate from the lotus position.

I could go on, but I’ve got a sick kid on the couch and I don’t know how long iCarly is going to keep her satisfied. The point is this: meditation is easier than you might think, it offers benefits far beyond just relaxation, it won’t turn you into a doobie-smoking hippie (unless you already are one), and it can definitely be part of the recipe that saves your marriage.

First, let’s talk about the benefits.

1. It helps train the mind. The more you train your mind, the more easily you’ll be able to tell you mind what you want it to think. For instance, do you ever get caught up in a worry loop? You know your worrying is doing you no good, but you can’t seem to stop yourself? Meditation helps you stop the cycle. When you meditate, your mind gets stronger, more focused and more under your control. Eventually you will be able to tell yourself, “I’m not going to worry about that right now” and it will be like flipping off a switch in your head.
2. It makes you more aware of your thoughts, feelings and sensations. The more aware you are, the better you’ll be able to communicate your internal reality with others, especially your spouse.
3. It helps you to feel better. Sure, you might feel relaxed when you are done. More important, though, is that meditation helps you to cultivate inner content, a sensation and reality that can travel with you wherever you go. Once you learn how to cultivate this, you’ll stop sweating the small stuff and you’ll eventually see that it’s all small stuff.
4. It’s good for you. Studies show that people who meditate regularly tend to be healthier and happier than people who don’t.

How Long to Do It

There was a time in my life when I wanted to meditate for 20 minutes a day. I picked this amount of time because I’d read somewhere that 20 minutes was the “ideal” amount of time for meditation.

So there I would sit with a watch by my side. Every 30 seconds or so, I’d open one eye and glance at the watch. “Dang, 19 more minutes to go,” I’d think. “Dang, 18.5 more minutes to go….” And so on. I ended up meditating on my watch. I don’t recommend it. Eventually I just gave up and stopped meditating altogether.

Then, about 6 months ago, my meditation teacher said, “Even if you meditate for 1 minute, it helps.”

I thought, “Hey, I can do 1 minute.”

After that, I started sitting first thing every morning. Each time I sat down, I made it my goal to sit a little longer than the moment that my mind said, “I’m bored. Can we stop this now?” I didn’t sit with a watch or a timer, but I did note the time just before sitting down. Initially, I sat for a couple minutes. Over time, that lengthened to 5. Just this morning, I hit a milestone: 14 whole minutes! But the point is this: I’m not timing myself as I sit. I’m just sitting for as long as I can, and then I’m getting up. The “as long as I can” gets longer and longer the more I do it.

Be happy for sitting for any amount of time. Anything is better than nothing.

How to Sit

I don’t lie down for meditation because it’s harder for me to stay focused that way. So I usually sit on the floor with my legs crossed and my back to a wall. I sit this way because I find it comfortable. You might as well. You can also sit in a chair. If you do so, make sure your feet rest firmly on the floor and don’t slouch into the back of the chair. Slouching will cause you to lose focus and possibly even fall asleep. It also makes it more difficult to breathe. So sit tall, with a straight spine.

You can rest your hands in any way you find comfortable. You can use the index fingers to thumbs position if you want. Or you can rest them palms up with your thumbs lightly touching (this is what I do). Or you can do something else. Don’t put a lot of stress on how you hold your hands. It’s just not all that important.

What to Do

I’ve learned many different styles of meditation over the years. Some of these styles claimed to be the “best” one around. My opinion, however, is this: the best type of meditation is the one you respond to.

Try an assortment of different techniques. Then stick with the ones that seem to work best for you.

Simple breath meditation: Bring your attention to the sensation of air moving in and out of your nostrils. Notice the coolness you feel as you inhale and the warmth as you exhale. Keep all of your attention here, at the tip of your nose.

Some variations:

• Black and White Breathing: Imagine the air leaving your body in the form of black smoke. Imagine the air entering your body as white light.
• Mental weight lifting: Imagine that the air is a weight and your mind is a pulley that draws it into your body and then pushes it back out again.
• The top and the bottom: Pay particular attention to the bottom of the breath (when your lungs are almost empty) and the top of the breath (when your lungs are almost full). Use these two points of the breath to continually bring your focus back to the breath.

The Body Scan: Feel your body from the inside out, starting at the top of your head and moving down to your feet.

Smile in Your Liver: This is the one that the medicine man in Bali teaches to Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love. You are focusing your attention on the sensation of contentment. He tells her to smile through her whole body, even in her liver. If that doesn’t work for you, think about that warm, fuzzy sensation you get when you hold a baby, snuggle with a puppy or small child, or hug someone you love. Close your eyes and try to simulate that sensation. Note: it often helps to first calm your mind with a simple breath meditation. Once the mind is calmer and thoughts are fewer and farther between, this content sensation surfaces more naturally.

Mantra: Focus on a saying and hear that saying over and over in your mind. The most common mantra is “so hum,” which is Sanskrit for “I am that.” But your mantra can be anything you want it to be. The rosary, for instance, is a type of mantra meditation. And, on the opposite end of that spectrum, so is thinking “one” as you inhale and “two” as you exhale.

Mantra with meaning: You can also meditate on a mantra that you would like to cement into your mind. For instance, I will sometimes meditate on the mantra “the happiness of others is just as important as my own” or the mantra “I will spread happiness today.” I think those sentences over and over in my mind. Then, when I am not meditating, they stay there.

Happiness meditation: Mentally wish happiness to various people in your life, especially difficult people. This is incredibly freeing and empowering. If you have trouble wishing someone happiness, start by seeing that person’s suffering. Most difficult and annoying people are angry, sad human beings. If you can see their sadness and internal pain, it will help you to get to the point where you can wish them happiness.

Today’s Meditation

Imagine your spouse. Think back over all of the years you’ve known your spouse. Conjure up memories of loving, wonderful and admirable things your spouse has done. If, initially, your mind is blank, give it time. Stay seated, relax by focusing on your breath, and wait. Your marriage has not been 100 percent nasty. During all of the time you’ve known your spouse, you’ve shared some good memories. Calmly find them and experience them. This will help you to build a sense of gratitude for your spouse.

How to Overcome Obstacles

Below are some issues that have come up for me in the past, and how I’ve learned to overcome them.

Problem: It’s noisy. I’m distracted by the noises around me.

Solution: Use the noises around you as a reminder to refocus your thoughts. For instance, my dog barks a lot when I meditate. Whenever he does it, I think, “Stay focused. Bring your awareness back to the breath.”

Another strategy is to meditate on the noise itself. Focus all of your attention on what you can hear.

Problem: My mind won’t shut up!

Solution: So your mind is flabby and out of shape. That’s why you are meditating! Whenever your mind wanders, just bring it back to your mantra or breath or whatever the object of your meditation is. It’s the process of wrangling your mind and bringing it back to the meditation that is most important. That’s the exercise that helps strengthen your mind.

Here are some ways to bring your mind back to a meditation:

• See the distracting thoughts leaving your nose in the form of black smoke
• Imagine clouds are traveling through your mind. Stuff the distracting thoughts into a cloud and let them float on by

Be gentle with yourself. At first, just be happy that you’ve noticed that your mind has drifted. The ability to know the difference between the chatty mind and the deeper, subtler mind is the first step to becoming more adept at meditation. So just noticing that your mind is chatty is progress! Next, look for little moments when your mind stays focused, even if these moments only last a second. Again, progress! Eventually, these moments will lengthen and become more common. Your entire mind will calm down and become less chatty in general—even when you are not meditating.

Problem: I can’t stop thinking about all of the stuff I want to get done.

Solution: Meditate in the morning, before you’ve even looked at your to-do list. Meditate at night, just before bed.

Problem: I’m distracted by my (head/back/knees/etc)

Solution: Change to a more comfortable meditation position. Or, meditate on the sensation of discomfort. For instance, if you have a headache, focus all of your attention on the headache.

Resources

For books on Buddhism, I’ve enjoyed the many written by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, who founded the tradition that I follow. The Dalai Lama’s books are also quite good.

Here are some additional resources:

Mindfulness meditation, as taught by Jon Kabot-Zinn 

The type of meditation I’ve been studying

Meditations for Everyday Life CD Series

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.