AKA
The Antidote to Anger
AKA
The Karma Series, Part 2
After attending meditation class for a few weeks, I asked my teacher, “Could you do a series on parenting? Because I have a lot of trouble with that. You see, my daughter whines, and it drives me crazy. I don’t want it to drive me crazy, but it does. That whining sound just irritates every cell in my body, and before I know it something has snapped and I’ve turned into an angry person who I am not proud of. Do you have a solution for that? Can Buddhism help me?”
She smiled and, as if she were sharing one of the world’s greatest secrets, lowered her voice and said, “Yes, it’s called patience.”
I stared at her for a few empty seconds. She stared at me and smiled.
“Patience?”
“Yes,” she said. “We’re doing a series on patience next month.”
I thought, “Really? That’s the best you’ve got? Patience? No Captain Spock grip that I can put on myself to stop the anger? No mantra that I can say over and over again? No special meditation technique? Just patience?”
It took the better part of a year before I understood that she was right. It took lessons on impermanence, compassion, emptiness, self-cherishing, attachments, karma and more. It took me meditating nearly every day, twice a day. (More on that in a future post. It’s not as taxing as it might initially seem). It took nearly a year.
But eventually I realized that she was right. Patience is the antidote to anger.
What follows is the story of the night that led me to fully understand that teaching.
The Day I Did Not Lose My Patience
It was two weeks ago. We’d just returned from vacationing in Colorado, where I had become incredibly lax about my daughter’s diet. By the end of the trip, the girl’s primary food groups had been donuts, chips, fries and Mac-n-Cheese.
That, of course, could not go on forever. Otherwise she’d develop diabetes, heart disease, and cancer by her 18th birthday.
So, upon our return, I made a decision about dinner. It was this. I was only cooking one meal, this one meal was going to be healthy, and she was going to eat it or she was going to go hungry.
I might add here that, in retrospect, the timing of my Dinnertime Intervention could have been better. My daughter’s sleep schedule was all bollixed up from the time change. She’d been awake until 11 pm the night before, and then I’d woken her at 7 am that morning to get her off to summer camp.
If you are a parent, then you might be able to see where this is headed. If you are not a parent, here’s a hint. Kids who don’t get enough sleep have a tendency to morph into something resembling the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes.
So here we were coming up on dinnertime. My daughter asked, “What’s for dinner?” I said, “Corn on the cob and…”
She cut me off. “I hate corn on the cob!”
I said, “Oh, that’s too bad.”
I plated everything up, and I served it.
She took one look at her plate and said, “I. Don’t. Like. Corn. And. I. Hate. Chicken!”
She had steak on her plate, not chicken, but I knew that information would be wasted on her in that moment.
“You don’t have to eat anything if you don’t want to.”
“Can I have dessert?!” [Read this with a loud whiny voice].
“No.”
“But I don’t LIKE corn!” [Remember, whiny voice]
“You know the rules. If you don’t eat your dinner, no dessert.”
She morphed into the Tasmanian Devil. I sent her to her room. I ate my corn and steak in relative calm.
She returned a short while later.
“Are you ready to eat?”
“No!”
She got whiny and sassy, so I sent her back to her room.
I could hear her screaming. I could hear her sobbing. I could hear her telling her stuffed animals that I was the worst mommy on the planet.
I smiled. “This moment isn’t going to last forever,” I reminded myself. “She’s not going to hate me forever because I made corn on the cob for dinner. Stay strong. Stay calm. You just have to wait this out. “
You just need to be patient.
And, then, I had one of those, “Dang, so that’s what she was talking about a year ago” moments.
My daughter’s Tasmanian fit went on for more than an hour that night. At one point she sneaked out of her room and into the kitchen so she could erase my name off a picture she’d once drawn for me. At another point she came out with red eyes and stared me down. I asked, “Can I give you a hug?” She screamed, “No!”
I said, “When you are ready, I’d love a hug.”
“I hate corn!” she yelled and then ran back to her room.
She emerged some time later and said, “I want dessert!”
I said, “I’m sorry, but that’s not happening and you know why.”
I sent her back to her room a few more times, telling her that she could come out again when she could talk without whining and without getting sassy.
She emerged a few more times with the whine and with the sass, so I sent her back.
I looked at the clock a few times. I thought, “I can’t believe this is going on this long.”
I did wonder at one point whether she would ever calm down. It did cross my mind that perhaps my daughter had just entered some new Mommy Hating Phase of Life, one that might last an entire year.
Then, at some point, it occurred to me that she might stay whiny and sassy for years—perhaps into adulthood—and that this phase would never end and my only respite would be the day that I finally died from the pain of it all.
So I again reminded myself to be patient. I reminded myself that all hardships—even this one—eventually come to an end. Nothing lasts forever, not even a sassy fit. Everything is impermanent.
After about an hour and a half, the energy in the house shifted. My daughter walked up to me and stared at me with these pitiful eyes. I asked, “Do you want a hug?” She said, “Yes.” She crawled on my lap. Her tears spilled onto my shirt. I said, “I’m sorry we had such a bad night.”
She said, “We had a bad night because you yelled at me!”
This time, for once, I had not yelled at her. In the past? Yes, I’ve yelled. This time? No, I had not. This time I had been calm. This time I had loved every little molecule of her being—even the sassy molecules—the entire time. I had not lost it. I had not been angry.
I’d been patient. And, now, I still was.
“I’m sorry if you heard me yell at you. I love you more than anything in the entire world. I never want you to be sad.”
We hugged for a good 10 minutes.
And then she ate her corn on the cob.
And then she wrote my name back on the picture. She used a pen because, she said, you can’t erase pen.
Tomorrow: The Antidote to Pride
Note: A few of you have asked some questions about meditation and about finding classes. I’ll list some resources in an upcoming post.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
You are such a good mommy! I can’t wait to be one too.
Before I even started reading this post, I thought that I’d post a comment about finding these classes you always talk about. I’ve searched (a little) and it seems they’re non-existent in my area. Perhaps I’m looking in the wrong places.
I hate the whining too. I have a friend who has a kid who does that. Where do you think whining develops from? Early in childhood? Do they pick it up from other kids? Or do you think it’s tolerated and even encouraged (by parents giving in) by parents, which allows it to continue? I’d think that if you’re constantly telling her to stop whining that she might eventually get the point.
I suppose I’ll never know until I have kids of my own.
I’m going to comment as I read, so I don’t forget what I want to say: Whining was NOT acceptable in my house when my daughter was little. If she whined she didn’t get what she asked for and she still had to ask in a “normal” voice. It’s like nails down a chalk board to my soul.
Kids who don’t get enough sleep morph into Linda Blair from the Exorcist, in my experience. But so do I, so who am I to judge.
My dear friend’s solution to “I don’t like ________ (insert food name)”, is the ever famous “No Thank You Helping”. You must try it unless you are allergic. Or you don’t eat meat because you’re a vegetarian. She doesn’t make my husband have the “no thank you helping” of mashed potatoes because he promised he wouldn’t puke mashed potatoes all over her if she didn’t make him have some.
The hating mommy phase for a year doesn’t come until the teens. Have fun with that Alisa. I’ll be here to help you thru those years.
If only we died from the pain of it. Sorry, it doesn’t actually kill us, as much as we might hope, pray and wish.
What a great blog. I wish I’d had you to read when I was raising my daughter. But I did find the best response to “I hate you, you are the worse mommy” – “yes, you’re right, I am the worse mommy”. Snapped my daughter out of more hissy fits than I care to count. And our most recent “you are the worse mommy” back in March of this year lasted for nine weeks. We both survived and I think our relationship is stronger because of it.
I loved this post. That is all!
Herding Cats´s last [type] ..Belize- Mayan Caves and Flying Objects
Alisa, I’m with Kathy, the hating mommy years is the teen years, the years when Good Morning can sound like F****You. We will both be here for you then don’t worry! My three were actually very good about this, maybe because I kind of scared them (I could get angrier than they did) so I won’t give you any advice. In our home if you whined you must be tired and if you were tired it was time for bed. Period.
Today, I am incredibly lucky because my kids come to me all the time and enjoy just spending time with me. I am like a mom with the perks of friendship thrown in. They actually want my advice and actually take it to heart sometimes. My daughters think I am the smartest person they know.
My mom said that all parents go through three phases.
1) You are like a God, where a kiss can heal and a lap is where safety lies.
2)YOU ARE SO DUMB HOW DID YOU LIVE TO ADULTHOOD AND WHY SHOULD THEY EVER LISTEN TO YOU.
3) They will freely tell you you were right and they don’t know how you did it all, (This is usually when they are on their own trying to find their way).
I loved each stage. Hopefully, I’ll get to stage four one day and have grandchildren.
PS: Never pray for patience.
I am a nanny for triplets who just started the “terrible two” phase. I am sure this post will help out a lot. Thanks
Good stuff as always. Keep on Rockin
My daughter has reached Terrible Twos, and yelling definitely doesnt help because she yells right back. So i have started to ignore and be patient and just walk away. This posts help.
Joanne, you have the three stages perfectly stated. How is it that a teenager can actually have a look that says #2 without ever opening their mouth? There were times when my daughter could just look at me with such disgust, despair, disbelief – that I often wondered how I’d made to adulthood.
I’m also waiting to be a grandma. But as my daughter has said the last few years: “Mom, don’t hold you breath”. I may not get to stage #4.
I also like “never pray for patience”. I always figured if I killed my daughter, I’d make sure I found a judge with a teenager and he’d hire me to kill his teenager. I always prayed for a sympathetic judge when my daughter was a teenager. (I never hit my kid, but there were days where I wondered what kept me from killing her.)
Find a judge..lol.. Now that’s funny. Like I said in an earlier post my steps were in late teens & lived with dad by their choice. But on visits I remember well the times thinking no jury would convict me for shooting her
Kathy- I remember as a single mom with the 13 year old girl when I came home from work, opened the verizon bill and it was $987.34 because she had discovered the 1-800 number for Vanilla Ice Hotline and she and all her friends decided to call. I backed her against the wall, Held her there and called my mom to come get her so I didn’t kill her. I then called the phone company and was lucky enough to get an operator who had a teen age daughter and reversed the charges as long as I put a block on the phone and gave them a security name to use.
My daughter called not long after for get long distance put on our phone and convinced them she was me and that she couldn’t remember the security name. they changed it for her, put on the service and I had a $600+ bill the next time for her penpal in England. I called them and they wouldn’t talk to me because I didn’t have the new security name.
Be afraid Alisa,,,,,,,,, be very afraid
Ok- D-Day, I need to leave now for the counselor. Hope to talk to you all later.
Drummer Guy- so glad you are back and everything is ok.
Same to you Hopeless Romantic- glad everything went well in Florida.
Joanne, A $900+ phone bill and then another $600. I would have killed her.
Ron, you’re right, no jury would have found you guilty. As long as you got a jury made up entirely of parents of bad teenagers.
Alisa, I honestly believe kids who have two parents in the same household fair better than kids in a broken home. Pretty much as soon as my 2nd husband moved out, I started having problems with my daughter. I didn’t have the same amount of time or attention for her – even tho I was working before her step-dad moved out. And I was going thru my own issues with the divorce, trying to date, have a life, etc. If at all possible, keep the marriage with your husband and always keep a united front with your husband. If your daughter sees any weakness, she will take advantage of it.
This reminds me a lot of the book, Love and Logic Parenting. My hubby and I read it and another called Siblings Without Rivalry and it revolutionized our household. I hardly ever turn into the “Yelling Mom” and we are all much happier!
This is such a great post, and a wonderful story!
I am not a parent, but I think you did the absolute right thing here, Alisa! Patience probably is the anecdote to anger, but patience was never one of my virtues–I’m getting better at it, but it’s a work in progress.
When I was growing up, my mother was quite patient, and although she too went through a “yelling phase” eventually, she realized that yelling didn’t get her anywhere.
I was a stubborn child, yelling just made me want to do the opposite of whatever she wanted. LOL! And actually, I’m still that way, I think most people are.
Like I said, I’m not a parent, but I do have younger sisters and some friends’ kids in my life and whenever I’m with them, I’m pretty good at sticking to what I say. Yes means yes, no means no. I have no problem letting a child cry it out in private–I was allowed to do that myself.
I could cry and whine and scream all I wanted too–in my room. Just like Alisa made her daughter do! I was never told I wasn’t “allowed” to whine, but I was not allowed to bring everyone else down with me. Alisa, you’re so right about energy in the house!
I really like what JoAnne said about “if you’re whining, you’re tired and if you’re tired, you need to go to bed!” I think that’s wonderful and true, who doesn’t whine when they’re tired–I sure do! It’s been proven that the brain can’t function without enough sleep.
I was made to try foods too, when I was growing up, I didn’t have to eat them, but I had to try them, my mom would make pretty much whatever I wanted–BUT, I was NOT a picky eater at all. There were only about 3 things I wouldn’t eat. Me, if and when I have a child–nope, I’m not a short order cook–here’s what I’m making–eat it or don’t!
I’m so not ready to be a mom yet, but good Lord I admire all of you are! God Bless you all!
I think JoAnne had a good point about the 3 phases of parenting–as the child, I’m definitely at Stage 3 with my mom, I have NO idea how she did it all and did it so well, usually with a smile on her face! WOW! I think kids need boundaries, and I think setting them and sticking to them works wonders–whenever I said “I don’t like you, mommy!” My mom would simply say “that’s fine, I know you still love me, you don’t have to like me. this isn’t a personality contest.” And then I’d look her at all perplexed and she’d say “well, you’ll get mad in the same shoes you got glad in, and if you don’t, not my problem.” She was absolutely right!
All this parenting talk makes me wonder: is it harder being a “good” parent or a “good” spouse? I mean, considering you don’t do either one half way and put effort into both. Honestly, part of the reason I don’t want a child yet is because I feel like being a wife is hard enough.
I have a question for all the parents on here: Do you think it’s harder being a parent or a spouse? This might sound like a dumb question, but I’d like to know, please appease me!
Anyway, another great post, and I think remaining calm through chaos is always a wonderful thing!
Oh, and DrummerGuy Ron–WELCOME BACK! We were worried about you, and it’s so nice to have you back on the board! I really like how you always refer to your wife as your “beloved” that’s awesome!
Have a great day, everyone!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Aww. I’m glad you stood your ground and I’m glad it all ended ok. Holding firm with a whining child is so hard and so upsetting!
I loved this story!!! What a beautiful ending.
Andi´s last [type] ..India- Day 5 Part 6
Thank you so much for this post! I was dealing with my own whinny child today and when I thought I could not handle anymore, I opened my email and read your post. It saved my day!
So sweet. You were AMAZINGLY patient in that instance. I am having trouble being patient with my 6 year old when he whines. I think often because I have low blood sugar at the same time he does (so maybe the real key to this post was that you ATE when you needed to). Actually, maybe I need to learn more patience AND not let my blood sugar get low. Thanks for the inspiration!
Thanks Sara Liz. Good to be back.
I think I was reasonably patient with my two boys – had the odd grump here and there, but usually pretty laid back. When I was married my former wife sometimes used to yell and yell at them to go to bed or something like that, and they’d just ignore her, because she’d never follow through with her ‘punishments’. I wouldn’t interfere because I didn’t want to undermine her, but sometimes after a while I’d go down to their room, raise my voice just the once and off they’d go to bed. If she was iin a bad mood then she’d have a go at me for yelling at the kids! I couldn’t win!
She also tried the “wait until your father gets home” a couple of times, but I said she needed to learn to discipline them herself as firstly she couldn’t always wait until I was back (I used to travel sometimes for work and be away for 3-4 nights) and also I didn’t want them to perceive me as the big, bad ogre. I’m happy to handle the discipline when I’m the parent involved, but not so she could be the ‘good guy’ and the kids see me as the mean one!
Interestingly, as some of you may remember, I fugured out eventually that my former wife is emotionally immature and it’s like relating to a 16-18 year old. Any interactions I have with her I now relate to her like that – be nice, but be firm, don’t give in to her petulance, and it now works much better.
patience, yes, my 2 year old is in a phase of I only want Daddy.
Colorado? what part did you visited? I lived in Denver for 4 years before moving overseas. the rockies are beautiful aren’t they?
Elisa_Croatia´s last [type] ..Lunch by the river
Your daughter is 4 now, right?
This post was just fabulous. As I read it and predicted where it was headed, all I could think was, “This is gonna end sweet, and I can use this post in sessions as a reference to show parents the use of good skills in action!” You handled that SO well, and I am so impressed. It can be such a challenge for a parent to hold a firm ground in the face of a toddler/young child throwing a tantrum. Often it seems easier to throw in the towel, appease them by allowing them to have their way, and dealing with any consequences afterward. Most of the time it proves to be a bad decision to take that route. It is a cause for celebration when a parent recognizes the benefits of being firm yet loving, creating healthy boundaries, and helping their children learn valuable life lessons. Even in times where kids don’t necessarily connect the dots they at least learn you as parent cannot be bullied into submission with tears and tantrums. YOU ROCK with patience!
(Nope… 5. I had to check so I looked it up in a different post where you mentioned her age.
)