A Reader Participation Post
I’m not even going to post the actual reader question for this one. The headline says it all, doesn’t it? This question came in from the she, and she’s beside herself about the he, because his lateness means that she can’t be on time when she wants to be.
Readers, I am so hoping that some of you tend to be late, whereas others tend to be early or on time. Then we can all learn from each other. Those of you who run late: let us know why this happens. Those of you who stress out about being on time: let us know about the worries that go through your head.
In my relationship, I’m the on time person. Truth be told, I’m the painfully early person. My husband, on the other hand, lives in the moment. So, for the most part, he’ll get to places when he gets there. He can be on time for super important things, like flights, weddings and funerals.
For everything else, there are no worries and no hurries.
This used to drive me crazy, of course.
Over the years, though, I’ve learned how to communicate when it’s vitally important for me to be early or on time and to work out a compromise. For instance, I like to get to our daughter’s school pageants a little early so I can claim one of the seats in the front. So I meet my husband at such functions. I get there about 15 minutes ahead of him, and I save him a seat next to me. I could get all miffed about the fact that he’s taking his time, or I could just accept the fact that this is the only way I’m going to be at such a thing at the time I want to show up.
Sometimes we can’t meet at a given location. Sometimes we must travel together. In these cases, I explain that I will be more relaxed and calm if we leave with plenty of time. My husband understands that me being relaxed and calm means that he’ll be happier, as I won’t be as likely to bite his head off over something minor. So he asks, “What time do you want me to be ready?” I tell him. He’s usually ready about 5 minutes after that time, but I usually have budgeted for that. We’re good.
There are all sorts of ways to solve this issue, I’m sure. Readers: have you dealt with a similar situation? How did you solve it? Are you a late person? What advice can you give to help early people understand you? Are you an early person? What advice can you give to help late people understand you? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
My husband an I are opposites like you and yours. Only I’m the late one. I feel very much like your husband in that there is no need to be exactly on time unless it’s a more formal event. My husband is like you. He wants to be early everywhere we go. Even family b-day parties, even BBQ’s. It’s annoying to me to be the first to arrive and sit around waiting for others to arrive and the festivities to get started. I also tend to burn out after several hours and his family parties can last well into the next morning so for me, the later we arrive the better. We have reached a similar compromise. He lets me know when it’s extremely important to be on time and exactly what time I need to be ready to leave the house. He has loosened up a bit when it’s not really that important that we be on time (or early).
Cyndi´s last [type] ..Huh-
I am somewhat in the middle. The type of event determines my punctuality. But I also HATE being delayed by someone else and it usually ends up with a lot of huffing and puffing and restlessness.
Very simple for me, I tell Ray what time the car will be backing out of the driveway and he will be there or on his own. His whole family feels there is no problem with being over an hour late for a dinner. I know it’s casual but after all someone took the time to cook a meal for a certain time and to come strolling in an hour later is disrespectful. I am like you Alisa, I start to get antsy if I know I am going to be late and after 16 years Ray knows that he needs to be aware of this. For me being on time is being considerate. It is the way I was raised though and my mother was very rigid about such things so my reaction could really be a conditioned response.
Hate, hate, HATE being late. I’m the early one, as you can tell. This crops up most for us in our rare trips to the movie theatre. These days I choose the movie time and tell him it is 15-30 minutes earlier than it REALLY is. He knows I do that at times and it doesn’t bother him. And I get to avoid clambering around in the dark over strangers. For non-movie things, I’ve learned to be more relaxed.
Frugal Kiwi´s last [type] ..When Less Is More
I’m the on time/early one in our relationship too. I think my husband and I operate similarly to what Alisa described. I’ll tell my husband when something is really important… like tomorrow for example. We’re going to my hometown for the 4th of July parade. My mom lives near one of the set up areas. Therefore, if we’re going to meet at my mom’s, we need to leave our apartment early (about an hour and a half drive) to get to my mom’s early before they block off the roads so we can park at my mom’s and walk to the parade site. My husband hates “rushing to wait” as he puts it, but he knows how this works. I’ve also relaxed enough to realize if we get there late, we can park somewhere else, watch the parade, and move the car later. But I still like to be on time.
That’s the recent example, but it happens often. I hate feeling late for planned events. I’m someone who likes to get to movies early to watch previews. But he and I seem to have made it work. There are still moments where I get snippy… but hey, I’m only human, right?
This just came up with hubby and I the other day. I was operating on the info he gave me when we first meet – he’s an on time person same as me. Well, he’s changed and didn’t bother to tell me, except as a bitch that “you always want to leave so early to be some where”. No, I don’t trust traffic and I don’t want to be late.
Why don’t I like to be late? Because it’s rude to the other people you are meeting. I hate waiting at an appointment because the person ahead of me was 15 minutes late. Not my doing, don’t make me suffer. And women – keep up 10 minutes earlier to put your make up on in your house and not your car. Men – shave at home.
Hubby and I actually went bed shopping the other day, because we were too early for an appointment – only because it was the first time we were going to that location and I wasn’t certain of the traffic/time to get there. I figure we got to do something with that time that we wouldn’t have done otherwise. I’m sure hubby was just mad that he wasn’t at home doing what he “wanted” to be doing (yes, Facebook is an addiction for some people).
Alisa, it sounds like you and your hubby have a great solution. I know if I used the same line about being relaxed, my hubby would just tell me to be relaxed anyway. At least he’s getting better about me being “stressed” before we leave on a trip. Don’t have a clue why I get stressed before leaving, but I do and he’s learned to deal with it and doesn’t tell me to take “a chill pill” anymore.
My brother is/was constantly late – we always tell him to be somewhere 30 minutes earlier than he needs to be there. That way he’s only 30 minutes late, instead of an hour late.
We have an agreement with the guys we have dinner with on Saturday nights – the time is set, if you’re not there at that time, the rest of us are ordering dinner without you. It saves the rest of us or me from starving.
Now if I could get my hubby home for dinner at the same time every night, that would be a blessing. I have to wait and wait and wait, since I don’t want to cook twice and he doesn’t want cold food when he does get home. I even tried his suggestion of eating lunch later. Guess what, I still got hungry for dinner at 5 PM. That must be my tummy’s time for dinner.
I consider myself to be the one always on time. Hubby is rarely late but he doesn’t like to be rushed so prior to leaving we both know at what time we have to leave the house. (since we only have one car) my pet peeve is arriving to movies late and missing the first five minutes of the movie. My husband is the laid back one, saying things like , ‘oh don’t worry we will find a place to park,” or “the movie won’t start for another 15 minutes (that used to be the case in the states) here in Croatia they ALWAYS start on time.
My sister on the other hand is always late. It drives me nuts. I just find it disrespectful to the other person to have to make them wait.
Elisa_Croatia´s last [type] ..Greetings from the Island of Šolta
I’m an early person. Actually, reading what you wrote about yourself made me nod my head, because that’s exactly the way I am. My husband does not have a sense of time in his head, the way I do. But we have learned not to let this bother us. We had to early on when he disappeared off the face of the earth for a few days to tell an old girlfriend in Denmark he was starting a new relationship with me. Thing is, he didn’t tell me where he was going. Now, that was worse than being late. He simply disappeared. So, I made it clear I could not tolerate that type of behavior and it has never happened again in 20 years.
It’s this very issue that ultimately ended up in my writing my book Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. My sweetie is the late one. I tried gentle suggestions. I tried nagging. Nothing worked. So, I pulled out the big guns: SEX. In a moment of inspiration, I said to him, “Sweetheart, there’s something you need to know about being in relationship. Foreplay is all day, every day, 24/7. It’s about everything you say or do that affects how I feel about you. So, here’s an idea for you. Why don’t you try racking up some Frequent Foreplay Miles by being on time. The more miles you have, the more in the mood I’ll be!” He got it and in his sexual self-interest, promised to become the on-time guy. Seriously, this used to drive me crazy and I ran the tape about how he didn’t value my time, he was rude, arrogant, blah-blah-blah, until I realized that it was arrogant of me to expect him to be my clone on this issue. So, now we compromise. When it’s important for him to be on time, I let him know and he is. Otherwise, I don’t demand perfection. We both win and I have a lot less aggravation in my life.
When I was a child, my parents had friends who could be relied upon to turn up 30 minutes late for any event they were invited to. Eventually my parents developed a work-around, and always told these friends that an event would start 30 minutes earlier than they would tell everyone else.
Of course, the day came when there was some particularly important event (could have been a birthday party or wedding anniversary party, I forget), and they told these friends a time that was 30 minutes early. Knowing what an important event it was, for once they turned up exactly when they were asked for, before anyone else was there and my parents were still rushing around trying to get everything ready! My parents had to confess what they’d been doing. Luckily, the friends took it in good humour (and spent the next 30 minutes helping with the preparations).
Great conversation
I was reading this and thinking about myself and the BFG and I thought I was the late one. For casual stuff or stuff where there’s a time to be there but I know it won’t matter if I’m a few minutes late, I’m almost always late. In fact, without exception. Mainly because I end up multi-tasking and you know how that can be.
But for the rest of stuff, and funnily enough, for stuff that involves the BFG, I am the early one. If he offers to pick the girls up from school, he’s always super casual and I’m on pins until he’s left. I hate the thought of the bell ringing and one of us not being there for them.
So I have a similar tactic to others but I use it for myself as well as the rest of the family. I always aim for 5 minutes earlier than we need to leave. If it’s vital we leave in time, I’ll have us aiming for 10 minutes early, just in case
Eleanor Edwards´s last [type] ..Perspective It all depends on where you’re standing
My husband and I are actually fairly in sync on this subject, except for…okay, I’m usually the late one. But he has gotten so much better about taking it in stride because he knows why I tend to be a little late to many things. First off, I’m a lawyer and I am doomed to measuring my time, all the time, in minutes. It’s a curse. I always see an extra 6 minutes (lawyers typically bill in 6 minute increments) as valuable time to get something done. So when it comes to getting ready to leave and getting somewhere, I like to be right on time or a little late (usually 10-15 minutes at most) to avoid having to wait. Because, waiting is such a waste of time. I hate to get somewhere early and sit there watching the minutes go by when I could have stayed where I was a little longer and gotten something done.
When I need to be somewhere on someone else’s watch, I get my butt there on time or a little early. Because, I know how I hate to wait so I really hate making someone else wait for me. But for most things when I know it really doesn’t matter and if I’m late it is no skin off anyone’s nose, then that’s when I will be showing up.
I’m on time. He’s almost always late. Recently we went to a party and I biked there and he brought the kids in the car. Um, so, okay. They showed up AN HOUR after the party started. AN HOUR LATE, to a kid-and-grown-up party for a 2 year old. Me there with no kids feeling dumb. The next time we did this, *I* brought the kids and he biked there. I biked home. The kids and I were on time, we both got exercise, and everyone was happy.
I think your advice is so good — to talk about why it is important to be on time for me and then really hope it happens. We have other strategies, like lying about when something starts or just mentally preparing that we will hit the road an hour (or two) after the ideal time for me.
And I also realize and need to be honest that I sometimes enjoy traveling with the kids by myself more than with James, because then I can be on time or have only myself to blame when things go slowly.
Jennifer Margulis´s last [type] ..My Friend Alisa’s Rules For Book Promotion
I always feel like I am running late, and I HATE to be late…. and because of that – i budget time for running late. if i have a doctor appointment at noon, i write it in the planner for 11:45. then when I am ‘late’ i’m not. (this only works because I forget the actual time almost as soon as i write the fake time – and I vary between a 10 and 20 minute buffer – so i never can remember what the real time or time difference is)
I tell my husband that I want to be at a place 30 minutes before I really want to be there. so when he’s ready to go, we are there on time.
the key is that it’s not a lie to say “i want to be there at this time”. it is a statement of my wants.
I have left on my own before though, when he is just so late that i can’t stand it. and usually after I have left, he arrives minutes after me…
From glancing and the replies it seems most people compromise by setting early times for the late person or telling the late person s/he is on her/his own for getting to any function. I feel blessed to say we are both pretty relaxed about time. I don’t really care to be prompt as long as I make it in a 15 minute window of the arrival time. Any anxiety I feel around being late stems from the idea of being judged by others because of my tardiness. When I get that idea out of my head, I’m chill. My darling just wants to make sure he doesn’t miss the good stuff, so when we go somewhere together we just plan to arrive in time to not miss the good stuff. As others stated, we have more consideration for significant things such as weddings, flights, and the like. He’s also more prompt for work than I, but he has a more rigid work schedule so he has to be more timely.