AKA
Marriage Improvement Monday
I don’t plan to have another child.
If, for some reason, my husband’s vasectomy failed and I found myself pregnant, though, I’d create a What We Should Do If I Get Post Postpartum Depression Again plan.
When I was pregnant the first time, such a plan was the last thing on my mind. It didn’t occur to me to plan out what I would do if I got depression because, of course, I didn’t think I was going to get depression. I also didn’t think my baby was going to be breech or that I would end up with a C-section. I didn’t think my milk ducts were all going to get blocked on the day my milk came in. I didn’t think my baby would need an ultrasound during her second week of life or that she would develop colic. I didn’t think that she’d still have me up every 2 hours 10 months after birth.
I just didn’t think.
Now, though, I would sit down with my husband and I would plan out ahead of time how I would want him to be there for me. For instance, I might tell him, “If you ask me if I need help and I tell you no, I think you should probably help me anyway. And if I give you lip about it, remind me that I told you to do it. Also, if I lose too much weight, seem stressed all the time, can’t sleep at night and start screaming at the dog, take me to the doctor.”
Stuff like that.
I would do this ahead of time because I’ve learned the hard way that it’s much more difficult to ask for what one needs when one is under severe stress and is mentally or emotionally compromised. When I was sleep deprived and suffering from post partum depression, I couldn’t even figure out how to turn on my car’s headlights. How was I supposed to tell my husband how to care for me?
I think it’s important to have this conversation about a range of topics. Talk about how you want your spouse to comfort you if you lose your job. Talk about how you want your spouse to comfort you when you are grieving. Talk about what kind of comfort you need when you are under a great deal of career stress. How could your spouse really be there for you if you were sick, incapacitated or hospitalized?
Imagine yourself in these scenarios and imagine the world’s perfect spouse taking care of you. What does the world’s perfect spouse do for you?
When you are under stress, do you want to be left alone? Do you want to be held? Do you want your spouse to listen? Do you want your spouse to do things without being asked? And, if so, what might those things be?
These are not easy discussions. They fall into the same category as “what I want you to do with my body after I die” and “how much should I insure myself for?” But they are important. It’s foolish to think that you can navigate a lifetime of marriage without a huge stressor. I hate to break it to you, but something unfortunate is bound to befall you or your spouse at some point.
It’s just the way life is.
And it’s much easier to hash these things out when we are not under stress. If you wait until the stress is already there, you won’t be thinking clearly and logically and you’ll be less able to ask for what you need.
So, for this Marriage Improvement Monday, I’d like you to create a Stress Response Plan for one another. Talk about how you want to be comforted in a range of stressful situations—job loss, grief, and sickness.
Tomorrow I’ll go into what to do if your marriage is already stressed.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
You Rock Alisa.
I’m going to have to mull this one over a bit. being a caregiver I never really thought about being on the receiving end of it….lol I am also not feeling well today & will get to it latter.
Ron
I think this is really good advice. It is hard to make plans for all the what ifs but it’s much better to discuss them now than to fall apart in the midst of crisis later!
It’s a joke in our family that I always want to talk about sickness, death, dying–anything requiring grieving! I like to blame it on my heritage and the centuries of suffering of the Armenian people. Maybe some truth there. Maybe, too, because I’ve been in the counseling office for a long time, I see what happens when you don’t talk about these things. But your point about having these conversations proactively is right on, because you really aren’t able to focus clearly when you’re mired in crises that literally take you over. Your description of that surely resonates for me.
This is one of your best posts EVER! It’s so important and something that I’d like to see ALL couples do–especially younger couples. My husband and I are 26 & 30 and honestly, even with our history of serious medical issues (both of us) we were TOTALLY unprepared for what just happened last week. We had no plan, half the stress of the week (for me anyway) was just trying to get things “in order,” find out passwords and codes and bills and fax #’s and all that. I HIGHLY reccomend people be prepared. I’m a former girl scout and that was our motto “Be Prepared!” I am prepared NOW…..but I think having a list of passwords, phone #’s, important fax #’s, all medications & their dosages, kids’ doctor, spouses’ bosses name & ways to contact them, a small notebook of passages and prayers (put it together, together–with your spouse–favorite Bible verses or Budha mantras or whatever your “religion” is, inspirational quotes!), and at least 2 frozen dinners in the freezer when the “healthy” or “equipped” spouse is just too tired and drained to cook or even stop for food takeout. These are just my suggestions, this is why openeness and honesty are so important–secrets just complicate things, especially when one spouse is not able to communicate (as in lying in a hospital, etc.). Think about it, this is a very necessary and awesome idea!! THANK YOU!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
food takeout? LOL! yeah, I meant takeout FOOD! Sorry!
My husband is not very good at comfort. He never learned it somehow. When I realize I need comfort, he will generally be saying something that is about having lived through a similar situation, but does not comfort me in the least.
But this is a super post. I’m going to send it to my son and his wife who are in the throes of exactly what you describe, with a newborn who deprives them of sleep, etc. Thanks!
What a great post, I’m going to discuss it with Ray especially since what he needs in a crisis could be way different than what I would need.
I’d call this whole thing the: What If… Plan. If X happened, how do we handle it? If Y happens, here’s what we’ll do. This is great. Alisa, I think your next book should be “The Things You Should Plan Together Besides Your Wedding”. I think to some degree we’re all guilty of this – not knowing how we’ll discipline kids, deal with stress, deal with zero sex drive after the birth of a child, etc. But so many couples only plan the wedding and don’t put in half the effort to plan their life together.
Kathy- What a fantastic name for a book!! Alisa, stick with us and we will have you writing forever. Now you have two really needed ideas for books.
This post is really brilliant, Alisa. It’s so hard to know in advance what the stressors will be but sooo important to have a plan. We’ve been having some of these hard conversations (the dying ones, though neither of us knows where we want to be buried. Do you?!) and I am inspired to have more…
I’m sorry it was so hard after your daughter was born. I wish that breech births weren’t forced C-sections in this country (some women have unassisted breech births because doctors won’t let them deliver naturally. How crazy is that?), and that we had better ways of supporting nursing moms and women facing PPD.
I didn’t know anyone with small children when I had my oldest daughter and not being part of a community made it so much harder than it needed to be.
wow! So Alissa, this is the first one of your posts that I actually cried through.
Rough birth. Check. Been there.
Grieving a loss of a loved one, during our first year of marriage. Check. Been there. He got laid off once, I’ve been laid off 4 times. Check. Been there, over and over and over and ….
wow, did we have a plan? did we know how to comfort each other? heck no! Did I probably resent that he didn’t know how to comfort me? You betchya! Was that fair? Probably not!
thank you for posting this…
I think I’m going to send it to the handful of engaged couples I know…
this is awesome! I may just have to reblog this! I like this idea of writing down a plan talking it out before it happens. Great idea
Gayle´s last [type] ..It is your decision choose it!
My husband and I have been married for 20 years, together for 23. We’ve gone through many difficult life challenges without a plan. It was like having a wagon with 3 wheels. Kinda bumpy! We are in the midst of making a plan this very moment. We have never been apart for very long and now because of the the job market he will have to work (and live) 200 miles away and come home only on weekends. We had to devise a quick plan for all sorts of things will come up as a result of this big change…. We are trying to plan for them, but I’m sure we will have a lot of “Oh…I didn’t think of THAT…” and “ok, let’s go to plan B…” moments. You can’t plan for everything, but the main plan will be to put effort into staying connected.
Judy, may I make a suggestion? Have a scheduled time to talk every night (whether that’s morning or mid-day or evening). You must talk every day. Get the day’s business out of the way and then have lovey talk. When my husband travels, we talk every day, if it’s possible. On travel days, it’s sometimes harder (especially when he’s flying to Europe) and there is no texting when he flies to Europe (too expensive).
My two cents. I’m sure you already had that on your plans.
Another excellent blog Alisa. I wish my beloved & I had covered a lot of this BEFORE she became so ill. We have had to just wing it so to speak. It is SO important to discuss these things. I think sometimes we don’t because we either think
1) it won’t happen to us (psychologist call it personal fable)
or 2) Our love for each other will be able to handle anything that comes our way.
Truth is we just don’t realize how difficult life changing events really are. I would imagine more than a few marriages have broken up when these stressers hit. Maybe if people planed more for the unexpected it would help. So GREAT blog Alisa. You still ROCK
Ron
My husband is also not a great comfort to me in times of stress. It seems like he just shuts down, like if it isn’t happening to him he couldn’t be bothered, but after some counseling I have learned that I don’t ask him to be there for me. I hold the world on my shoulders. We have been together 22 years and I just figured this out. I recently had a scare with a mammogram to which everyone said you will be ok. well I guess that’s alot easier to say when it’s not you. I struggled to ask my husband to be there for me. I didn’t know how to say the words: I am scared will u go with me to the follow up appointment? I was afraid he would say no. So I didn’t ask. I went alone. It turned out ok, but I really needed him. I guess I felt he should know that I needed him and now I understand he can’t read my mind. i have to ask for what I need. So maybe having a plan for the stresses in life is a good idea.Then I wont have to ask.
Lisa so sorry to hear of what you went through. I am sure it must have been scary. You are right in that we can’t read minds & I am sure if your husband knows what you need he will be better equipped to “be there”. One thing that may be helpful to know about the male mindset is with most men is that we can really shut down when faced with a big event. I have no idea what makes us do that. It is probably fear & a defense mechanism. For instance after both of my parents died I really shut down, withdrew to my little cave & shut everybody out. I realize now how wrong that was but from what my therapist told me it is a common male reaction. At first when my beloved became so ill I did the same.
But after therapy from the first event I recognized it & stopped. It usually isn’t a reflection of how we feel about our spouse although I can see how it would be taken that way. It is rarely a case of “it isn’t happening to me so oh well”. It is usually just we don’t know what to do or say & the ostrich plan. If I bury my head it will all just go away…lol Anyway just a little tid bit from personal experience.
its wednesday, and i just read this, and 2 paragraphs in I am screaming “yes I MUST make a PPD plan!!”
you see, my husband and I are trying now to have another child. I am scared that it will go sour like last time and I will be crazy, and lost and stressed… and we won’t have a plan!
oh the work that needs to be done!
The sort of discussion you recommend should be had fairly early on in a relationship, but I bet in most relationships these issues aren’t covered until if or when they actually occur. I guess that’s why lots of marriages fail – because some people can’t deal with these sorts of crisis and think bailing out is easier when the ‘going gets tough’
Alisa, I’m not lying when I tell you that the exact same day that I read this post two weeks ago, I left work and went home to discover that my A/C had leaked to the point of flooding a large section of the second floor of my house (which my husband and I bought just two months ago). So disappointing.
We didn’t have a stress plan in place, and we didn’t respond positively to the stress at all. Well, he *thinks* he did, and that I overreacted…but let’s just say that we’ll agree to disagree on our perceptions of our reactions.
The difficulty I have is finding a time to sit down and actually bring up this idea to my husband. He thinks it’s unnecessary. Good ideas are worthless if they stay ideas and don’t become actions.
Lisa, What I want to know is this: Would it have been worse if he had said “no”, or if you had never have asked in the first place? I’d be scared that he’d say no too. “I can’t take off work”, “It’s not a big deal. You can go by yourself.”, “Can you ask your brother to go instead?” I think I’d be disappointed in his refusal more than just not asking at all.
It is true I was scared he would say no. I swear I went on a crying spree. I have always relied on my husband for at least his words “Everything will be ok” Since we were going thru some turmoil I hadn’t heard those words from him in a while. He did offer me some comfort and he acted very concerned the next day. Which well at least made me think he cared. I have mostly been a stay at home mother and really always took care of everything and everyone so some of his problem is me. I never asked I just did. Now as I am getting older and the kids are nearly grown. I feel alone. Maybe it is just empty nest syndrome. LOL I will try harder to ask him for what I need.
Lisa – sounds like you’ve had a bit of an epiphany here, and realised that he (nor is anyone else!) a mind reader, and that we should ask for what we need. He may have been just as scared as you about the examination and possible results, but expresses it in a different way. Who knows – he may have wanted to go to the appointment was afraid you might not want him there? As has been discussed in lots of the blogs we need to take responsibility for our own happiness, and you can work on that by doing whatever you can to bring you closer together with your husband now that your life (empty nest) is going into a new phase. After all, your attitude will make the difference between it being treasured or feared.
Also, I’m really glad that the result of the mammogram was good!
thanks Bern. I am glad the result was good also. I truly never thought about how my husband may have felt about it either. I am now realizing that yes he may have feared it as well. I suppose in times of crisis some people (including me) tend to only think about how I feel. you know the why is this happening to me. He may have felt the same.
Lisa – that’s great. I think most of us tend to judge people by our own standards and oftentimes think that the ones nearest to us should be mindreaders, and get upset when they don’t react in a way we’d like them too. I know I was guilty as anyone of this in my past marriage, and reckon my former wife still thinks like that (but who knows!). One of the areas I think I have grown to to make these false assumptions much less, and as a result the communication with my new partner is light years better.
believe me I am learning alot. I appreciate all the advice from this blog. It has truly helped me open my eyes. I dont want my husband to be my ex. and I will do whatever I need to do to change me. I love the advice and believe me everyone needs a different way at looking at things. So thank you everyone!