AKA
Marriage Improvement Monday
I’m going to admit something that I’m not all that proud of. It’s this: I don’t pay much attention to my husband when he’s around.
You would think this would not be the case, especially since we rarely have time alone together as it is. We’re both self employed. We both work more than the usual 40 hours a week. Our 5 year old is often wedged between us.
That’s why I’ve been so vigilant about her 8 p.m. bedtime. The hours between 8 p.m. and 10 or 11 are supposed to be Mommy and Daddy QT time.
Still, inevitably, during these evening hours, my husband does his thing—watch Speed TV—and I do mine—work on my computer or read a novel. Half the time, I get so wrapped up in doing my thing that I fail to ask him about all of the things I need to know—like if he already fed the goldfish or if he was wondering if I had.
(Side note: it’s really amazing that those little buggers are still with us).
So when I saw a chapter in Barton Goldsmith’s Emotional Fitness for Couples titled “Go to bed together,” I was intrigued.
“Sleeping together is one of the most important parts of a relationship,” he writes. “Going to bed together is one of the most valuable and accessible tools a couple can use to stay connected for the long haul.”
That’s why he recommends a bedtime routine that involves doing something together. It doesn’t have to be a deep heart felt discussion, and it doesn’t have to be sex, either. It can be something as simple as him watching TV while you rest your head on his lap as you read a magazine. The important part is that you are together, and you are touching.
Indeed, Goldsmith even recommends flipping off the TV about 15 minutes before bed and using that time to just hold one another. Sure, that holding might lead to sex, but it doesn’t have to and it’s not necessarily intended to. It’s just a very simple yet powerful way to create a deep sense of connection.
I’m going to try it every night this week. Why don’t you all do the same and let me know how it goes?
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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
YEA!!!!!! Marriage Improvement Monday. My favorite. You still ROCK Alisa. Now I gotta go back & read it..LOL Just wanted to say you rock
Another excellent post Alisa. Have I told you lately that you ROCK?
A very good idea. I miss the days when my beloved & I would snuggle up & with a movie or just a T V show together & sometimes the passion filled nights, before dozing off. Problem is now I can’t fit in her hospital bed so sleeping together is out..lol
However before she became ill we had stopped sleeping in the same bed. We are both snorers & neither was getting a decent nights sleep at all! We tried breath right nasal strip & every device we could find. Alas nothing worked. We did still try to sleep together which led to feelings in the morning of, “I love you, your so special, it’s just to bad I have to KILL YOU!!!..LOL.. I crack me up
But after deciding on seperete sleeping beds we made sure each night to spend some us time watching a movie, snuggling or something, anything to bond. It was fun on those sex nights to say “hey baby your place or mine?”..lol That being said though it did cause some feelings of seperation distance & other negative things so I wish we had done more. Recently we started making sure that on nights that she feels well enough to find something we both like on T V & watch, hold hands, snuggle & even though she is no longer able to make love we find other things
I really do wish we would have put more effort into sleeping together before she got so sick. That is time I can never get back. Thanks again Alisa for a timely post. You hit the nail on the head.
Keep Rockin
Ron
Now that you mention it, Alisa, this sounds exactly right! Going to bed together is a wonderful way to stay connected! My husband and I have never made a conscious effort to do this, but any time we fail to do this we find ourselves feeling distant, and any time we DO spend some time laying on the couch together in each other’s arms after a movie we feel deeply in love. It sounds like a great thing to make a priority. Thanks for the suggestion!
Kathleen Quiring | Project M´s last [type] ..Book Report- Fertility- Cycles and Nutrition by Marilyn M Shannon
My husband and I have never really made an effort to do this, but it’s something that we’ve been discussing lately. I want to go to bed with him every night, but he is a night owl. Any advice for handling these types of situations?
Angelia´s last [type] ..Teaser Tuesday!
A great suggestion that completely would not work for us. I’m an early bird, he’s a night owl. By the time he comes to bed, I’ve been asleep for hours. By the time he wakes up, I’ve been up and doing for hours. Since we both work from home, I combat this disconnect by crawling back into bed for half an hour or so every morning around the time he wakes up. I can’t always manage it, but most mornings I do.
Melanie´s last [type] ..Roasted Garlic
I’ve been married for six years, and we’ve almost always went to bed together. On the rare occasions we didn’t it was usually due to him having to do work, or visiting family. I get up at 5 am and he gets up at 7 am and I like to go to bed early so he’ll come with me and do a puzzle or read. We usually end up talking for another 30 minutes or so. Definately something that I hope continues until we’re old and grey with grankids because it’s our special time and when he tells me he’s coming to bed too I feel just a bit more special.
Hi this is Ray- Sounds like a good idea Alisa, Joanne and I spoon all night so we stay connected and I have found I sleep better and feel closer to her. She was coming home really late from work a couple weeks ago and it didn’t help us to stay close. We need that time together. We need to keep it a priority. She was helping a friend put up a fence today in the hot sun and is really wiped out so I agreed to answer the blog for us.
No wonder my marriage is getting a bit rough. We haven’t slept in the same bed for about 2 years now and we’re only going on our 5th year of marriage. He snores and I have sleep issues, so we sleep in different bedrooms. He went for a sleep study and got some sort of mouth piece to wear to stop the snoring, but he refuses to wear it. No, I can’t do ear plugs. They make my ears hurt.
But one of us tucks the other into bed. Just depends who actually goes to bed first. Before getting into bed, we are usually very much doing our own thing – messing on the computer.
So, I’d love to try this, Alisa. But it’s just not going to happen. Besides we have bigger fish to fry. (I’ll hopefully be replying to your email tonight.)
While I agree with the idea, we’ve never found the right are-you-done-with-everything mode that results in us going to bed at the same time, most nights.
Instead, we have mandatory snuggle time in the morning … anywhere from 10-30 minutes of just laying around in bed.
Truth? It’s the ONLY time all day when my hubby sits still long enough to be cuddled upon.
Me and my man have a nighttime ritual- I always stretch out my leg so that our feet are touching when we fall asleep. We’ve done it all the 5 years we’ve been together. When I travel for work I feel so alone and I spend all night reaching out for him with my legs. I also usually smack him on the ass after sex. Just a little pat to say “A job well done!”
We are on our 20th year of marriage (which makes me feel incredibly old and incredibly special at the same time.)
Every night we are together. We have a tv in our room (which people say is a no-no. but it works for us). My poor husband would love to go to bed earlier but he pretends he’s watching the shows along with me and usually dozes off. It used to annoy me but now I think it’s funny (and I appreciate that he’s trying). I require less sleep–I go to sleep after him and wake up before him.
It’s our routine. We watch our shows, I have laptop on my lap or some jewelry project I’m stitching and he lays beside me. His hand is always under my hip, my feet are usually on his warm legs.
It works.
Claudine´s last [type] ..Learning To Fly
My husband and I try to go to bed together. I am more of a night owl so I have a tiny lamp that I use so I can read while he sleeps next to me. It doesn’t seem to bother him if I am quiet and the light is low. We usually talk and then pray before we go to sleep (or I read while he goes to sleep). It works for us. We use to have a tv in our bedroom and it interfered with sex. Somehow the tv distracted us. Sad I know. So now we don’t allow any tv or laptops in the bedroom.
While I agree with this idea, I’m another one for whom it is practically impossible. My husband puts off going to bed until he falls asleep listening to the radio at 1 or 2. I turn in at 9:30 and am sound asleep by 10:30. No bedtime rituals possible in this house.
My husband and I always try to cuddle and lie next to each other for a while before going to bed, whether we are going to sleep at the same time or not. I am a nite owl and during periods of unemployment for me while he was working full-time, I would tuck him in and snuggle up with him before he went to bed (he’s a big baby and really loves when I rub his head to help him fall asleep).
Now that the tables are turned, he stays up late, but we still lie in bed together and hold each other and talk until I’m tired and he goes into the other room and it doesn’t feel so lonely. Another thing we do is make sure we greet each other when coming home from work — we always give each other a huge hug and a kiss because 8 hours is a long time!
My husband have in recent months started going to bed at the same time again. I used to feel irritated when he would get upset with me if I wasn’t ready for bed when he was….recent events have made me want to go to bed at the same time, but not for necessarily noble reasons. However, I have realized how… much I enjoy those few (sometimes more) moments before we fall asleep. It’s nice. Now if I could just figure out how to get us to wake and get up at the same time in the morning….
So I have this idea for those of you with the mismatched sleep schedules. Here’s a possible routine. The night owl tucks the early bird in at night. In the morning the early bird (assuming this is possible) wakes the night owl at a predetermined time and does something nice… like a back rub or something. Or a kiss on the cheek. Whatever. Something that says “good morning.”
Just tossing it out there.
By the way, this is one of those topics that is more of a suggestion than a necessity. There are so many ways to build connection and closeness. This is just one of many.
Hi to those with mismatched sleep schedules,
Me & my hubby have a mismatched sleep schedules too (I sleep more than him – in bed earlier & wake up later) and this is the way that we work it: Every night when we climb in bed together and we snuggle (and sometimes more). I will generally doze off and then my husband gets out of bed and carries on with what he wants to do. Works well for us so far.
My husband and I do this every night. I used to go to sleep way before him, but as the years have passed he has gone to sleep earlier and earlier and earlier so that it is nearly the same time. We spend the last 2 hours of the day watching a movie or reading next to each other and I think it is really good.
Andi´s last [type] ..Music Memory Monday – Mixed Tape
Alisa,
What you suggested is exactly what my mis-matched husband and I do. He always comes to tuck me in. Sometims that involves sex, other times not. Often we watch tv together and he always gives me a kiss goodnight. On mornings when I am home, he calls for me when he wakes up and I go in and give him a little backrub. Sometimes on the weekends, this leads to putting on a tv show for the kids and sex in the morning. We are also mis-matched on the time that we like to have sex, so this works out well too. (I am usually too tired at night, but more relaxed in the morning.) I am a teacher, so all of this is much easier in the summer when I am home. During the school year, I wake him up when I leave the house so he can take over the kids. I bring him a glass of water, rub on his neck briefly and kiss him goodbye. Even in the times when we have not been doing so well, we try to keep this going. I can tell when we aren’t doing well if these rituals start to suffer or I feel like I am just going through the motions. I can tell how well we are doing by how positive and loving these interactions are.
This is a great idea . . .I love it! However, my issue: my husband works third shift 9 pm to 6 am I work 6 sm until my day is done. Difficult but wonderful idea! Any ideas would be welcome!!
This is a great idea . . .I love it! However, my issue: my husband works third shift 9 pm to 6 am I work 6 am until my day is done. Difficult but wonderful idea! Any ideas would be welcome!!
My husband and I have been going to bed at the same time pretty regularly. There have been periods of time when it didn’t happen, like when we had newborns to care for. Unfortunately, if I get angry or feel hurt (usually one goes with the other), I opt for the couch. It is difficult for me to sit up over whatever is bothering me, while he comfortably snores. I am not sure, but I think I place more value on it than he does. Oh well, practice, not perfection is what I keep telling myself, especially after spending the last three nights alone. Sucks to miss someone that you want to smack when you see them. I seem to be cutting my nose off to spite my face….is that how that saying goes?
My husband and I do typically go to bed together every night. We will usually be doing something together, like him watching a TV show and me reading next to him on the couch. Or enjoying one of the few shows we both like. And then, one of us will ask “do you want to go to bed?” Most of the time the answer is sure, or how about in 10 minutes. And we go to bed together, sometimes we go right to sleep, other times we talk, and other times it leads to sex. He requires a little more sleep than I do, so I get up first in the morning. When I wake him up for work, the 4 of us (me, my husband, and our 2 dogs) hang out in bed chatting for 5-10 minutes. We do these things second nature, but when we don’t for whatever reason, I really miss it. Great idea Alisa, I hope you enjoy it!
Great topic. I love some of the ideas for those of us who are not able to sleep together for differing schedules, medical issues etc. This has actually been a problem dating back to my first marriage. In my first we worked different schedules on & off. In my current marriage there are medical issues. I don’t even know if I could sleep in the same bed with anybody after so many years of sleeping alone. But I see some great suggestions I will put into practice. Thanks Alisa & everybody. YOU ALL ROCK
DrummerGuy, I forgot to say this yesterday. You’re a suck up. I mean that with complete love. But you keep telling Alisa how much she rocks. You don’t even read the blog and say that. LOL!!!! You crack me up.
Hey, at least we’re all getting that “WE ROCK” on your last comment. Thank you.
I worked out in the hot sun yesrterday so when I got home I showered and fell asleep pretty much right away. Ray said that since I had the website up he read the new post and responded to it. I thought that was great, it sounds like he is ready to engage in our relationship again. I saw his post and can’t really think of anything to add except that we too have a TV in the bedroom. It isn’t that much of a hinderance and it allows us to spend time together. I am doing more work at home and have put a TV and easy chair in my office also so he can watch something and hang out while I work. It is easy for us because I am a bookkeeper so it isn’t a distraction for me but I do enjoy him hanging around.
PS: the TV thing, Ray likes sports alot, when we want to be romantic the cable channels has an all music love songs station I can switch it to. We don’t have ignore each other just because the TV exists.
Kathy it’s not being a suck up, it is being an encourager. That’s my story & I’m sticking to it. Not buying that one huh?…..HA!
Kathy: I like that Drummer Guy thinks I rock! Such a compliment coming from a drummer!
DrummerGuy, you crack me up. You stick to your story. I’m good with it.
Alisa, I know you like his compliments. I’m just messin’ with him. I think it’s cute how he always says “you rock”. I used to know a professional comedian and I could make him laugh. I thought that was a compliment.
Alisa, you do rock. I love reading your blog and interacting with the other commenters.
DrummerGuy, I saw this on Facebook and thought of you.
Do you know a talented local band or musician that would be a great fit for Life is good? Life is good is on the search for two more acts to play at The Life is good Festival. Submit today and you could be onstage in September!
http://www.sonicbids.com/Opportunity/OpportunityView.aspx?c=6350
I didn’t check it out, since I have no clue where you are. But maybe it’s something for you and your band.
Thanks for the link Kathy. I looked at it & from what I can see the festival is held in MA? We are located just outside New Orleans. Great Music scene here. We play some huge festivals like Jazz Fest, Jeff Fest, Vodoo Fest & the list goes on & on. Great venues with large audiences & great pay that keep us from having to play bars. After 15 years together in this form we are pretty well established. 3 of us played together in our first band in 1981.
Here we also have the TX, MS & FL Gulf Coast that have Casinos, Concerts & more festivals etc. But I can’t say I know any bands from that area. We rarely travel outside this area since we all have good jobs, kids, grand kids etc. Man am I getting old or what? 48 Yrs Old & still playing in a rock band. Some people never grow up…LOL Oh that reminds me I promised to put a link up to some of the songs from our last 2 albums. Let me look them up & I’ll post them if Alisa doesn’t mind. She does rock ya know…LOL
DrummerGuy, OK, so you’re 48 and still in a rock band. How old is Mic Jagger? OK, so Willie Nelson is country music, but how old is he?
If drumming is your passion, I say do it till you drop dead. If you’re lucky (in my opinion) you’ll drop dead in the middle of an awesome drum solo. That way you die doing what you love.
I’ll be happy to drop dead gardening as long as it’s not because I got bit by a poisonous snake.
Kathy I figure I’ll do it till my arms just fall off. But that would be a great way to go. Might freak out the audience though…lol
Kathy- You rock also. Drummer Guy- you are so cool. Alisa- A woman with a mission, there isn’t anything cooler.
Just thought I would spread the love guys, LOL
Off to counseling, let’s see if we can get past the “you smacked Ray” thing the counselor has been harping on for three weeks now.
We don’t go to bed together all the time, we try to but he likes to stay up late and I like to sleep early for my 5:45am morning run. But I will suggest this idea to hubby I like it.
and yes ALisa you rock!
Elisa_Croatia´s last [type] ..Blue Sky
DrummerGuy, you wrote: Might freak out the audience though…lol
You’ll be dead, so what do you care? And wouldn’t it be the best to go doing what you love. I mean if you gotta die, dying happy is my goal.
Joanne, Your counselor really needs to get over you “smacking Ray”. I’m sure you’ve kicked yourself more and harder than anyone else can.
You rock, too.
And Alisa rocks the most. (Now it’s my turn to suck up.)
Too funny Kathy & oh so true.
My beloved has warned me though if I go first she will haunt me while still alive. Don’t know if she has figured out the logistics on that yet though..lol The band is in the studio now doing our next album & making some big changes on our last. That one was never mastered & our singer came back mid stream while recording. So we have to redo all the vocals on about 6 songs. But if anybody wants to hear a few from our last 2 albums they can go to
http://www.youtube.com/thedrummerron
I put up 8 songs. Some from our first album & some from the yet to be finished album we did last year. The ones most people like are
1) Open Up: It’s to date our most popular song. It is from the 97 Album (The Journey Within) The song is perfect for phea. It was written about our lead guitar player & his former wife when they were having marital problem.
2)Someday: A mid tempo song from last years Album (When Lightning Strikes). It is about various friends we have lost over the years.
3) The Good Doctor: This one is a Hard Rock song done kind of Tongue & Cheek about Jack Kavorkian. Funny stuff. Has a dark sound (which it should considering the subject) & people here will freak out because while our guitar player does the lead vocals it is me doing the chorus in a high pierecing kind of AC DC shrill. I didn’t even know I could do that until we recorded it. It was a hoot to do. We are going to redo some of the guitar work on it.
We do another hard rock tongue & cheek song called “The Evil Mortician” on that page about a Mortician who has a thing for the dead. You have to have a dark sense of humor to apreciate it. Most of the rest I posted are all hard rock. A couple aren’t. The ones from last years album are going to be redone vocally since our singer came back. Please keep that in mind when you hear the songs from our last album. They aren’t finished..lol
You can tell a big difference in the sound between the first two albums. Both were done on a REALLY low budget. The first by a independant label that is now bankrupt & gone. You can easily tell the difference between the two. On the ones from the 97 Album you will see each start with a picture of the album cover. None of them are videos per say. They are all just songs I put up with slide show pictures of the band. The picture of me behind the drums is over 10 years old. My hair isn’t that long anymore..ha! Anyway everybody enjoy.
Creating a bedtime ritual is one of my changes to help my marriage. I make it a point to go to bed with my husband every night. No more tv. It has really helped. It is hard to believe how distant we were before I made this effort. I also made the change to get up in the early a.m. with him and make his lunch before work. The small changes have really made a difference. I have been reading a lot of marriage books lately and the one thing they all stress is to put your spouse first. I am really trying. I know he appreciates it. He is always saying thank you and spontaneous I love you’s. It is a nice change.
I was so annoyed beacuse I couldn`t resolve this situation. Then I observed your site in google and difficulty is solved. Many thanks!
My husband and I are having some disagreements about this right now. I’m going to print this post and ask him to read it. Thanks!