40 Things I’ve Learned in 40 Years, Part 1
In honor of my upcoming milestone, I’ve decided to write a series of posts about what the first half of life has taught me. There will be four in all. Throughout, I’d be delighted if you all shared some lessons you’ve learned in your lifetime in the comments area.
- The only mind I can read is my own, and sometimes my efforts in that quest are faulty at best.
- Sometimes problems resolve themselves with no effort on my part. For instance, if I ignore it long enough, the 501 Internal Server Error on my blog will just go away. On such occasions, I choose to feel blessed, as if some sort of spiritual being has worked a miracle just for me.
- There are people in the world who believe that the road to happiness is paved with backbiting, vitriol, and nastiness. There is no reason for me to get worked up about such people because, in fact, they are really on the road to hell.
- When people compliment me, they do not want to hear 10,000 reasons why I do not deserve their compliment. They want to see me smile. That is all.
- The vast majority of people can be won over with a smile and a little kindness.
- There is nothing that I absolutely have to ever get done.
- The key to succeeding in life is not found in trying harder. It’s found in trying differently.
- Failing because I was too scared to take a risk does more damage to my psyche than failing because I took a risk and it just didn’t work out.
- I must believe in myself because no one is going to do that for me.
- The only people who can afford to shun change are the Amish.
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July 30th, 2010 at 8:58 am
Love this! Here are some of mine:
- The big decisions make themselves.
- It is important to forgive myself.
- We all do the best we can as parents and my parents did the same. It’s never perfect, but the intent is what matters.
- Listening to my instincts is the best way to succeed.
- I am happiest when I do work I feel comfortable with. If I hate it, I should say no.
July 30th, 2010 at 9:36 am
For me, and this comes from regular life and years of being a wedding columnist and spending loads of time with soon-to-be newlyweds …. you either know or you don’t when it comes to BIG decisions.
I find that if I’m waffling, then it usually means I know what the best decision is but I’m afraid to make it for some reason.
To me, anything that is on-again/off-again … should probably just be off for real and save everyone the hassle.
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July 30th, 2010 at 10:37 am
A friend from Dallas told me a story about one of her children’s friends who had written to say my friend had been the adult who had taught her about manners and etiquette, lessons she’d never forgotten. Here’s what I glean from that: You never know how large an effect your kindness can have on others. So, be as generous as possible. We can all do good in small ways.
Ruth Pennebaker´s last blog ..Make New Friends- Make Better Plans
July 30th, 2010 at 10:56 am
umm, ok
as I will soon be turning 34 I guess I should start thinking about how I have grown as a person, so this post came just in time:
1. You are not responsible for solving everyone’s problems. (while it’s difficult not to get involved in your families and friends dilemmas it is better for your friendship and sanity..if you don’t)
2. you have to find out what it is that makes you happy otherwise you could loose your mind if you expect your hubby or family or friends to provide that happiness for you.(for me its photography and blogging and cooking and reading and the dream of owning a horse)
3. Smile!!!, sometimes it does make a difference in making you feel better.
Elisa_Croatia´s last blog ..A Forest in the city
July 30th, 2010 at 11:02 am
Fantastic list. I do have to disagree in theory with 9. of course. You have endless friends & fans (and friends who are fans) who love, adore and believe in you. Of course that means nothing if you don’t believe in yourself.
Rachel W.´s last blog ..Nike’s Pound of Tiger’s Flesh
July 30th, 2010 at 11:40 am
Rachel–Love you.
July 30th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
It’s mutual Miss Alisa!
Rachel W.´s last blog ..Nike’s Pound of Tiger’s Flesh
July 30th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Those are some good lessons. I’m a late convert to the smiling thing. Turns out if you smile, the world DOES smile with you. And you might even get a free drink out of it. I’ve also learned that sometimes you just need to stay home in your PJs. I always used to think I was missing out on something if I did. Not anymore.
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July 30th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
This looks like my list. The only one I might add for today is something that Einstein used to say (or something along these lines): I didn’t fail. I just found another way that doesn’t work.
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July 30th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
#7 and #8 are just so so so true. It’s so much better to try and fail than not to try at all. I still haven’t learned, though, that it’s about trying differently but I know that to be the case. I always feel — in spite of that knowledge — that I should just try harder…
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July 30th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
#1 made me laugh. My mind can change too fast for me read it. Like trying to read a freeway sign at 150 MPH.
#2 can we get the dishes to resolve themselves??? Just wondering.
#3 Keep away from Jerks is my motto. (Insert much harsher word for jerk – trying to keep it rated G today.)
#4 My friend taught me a couple years ago to say “Thank You”. It’s really very simple. Alisa, you learned it before me. I was already into my 40s.
#5 and if not go back to step #3.
#6 Really???? How do you pull that one off? I have to file my taxes. I have to pay my bills.
#7 is know that I did my best.
#8 very true.
#9 very true.
#10 not having been around Amish people, but can they truly “afford” to shun change??? I don’t think any of us can afford to shun change. Just my own opinion. But I’m glad you’ve learned that Alisa.
My biggest all time lesson – you pick your friends to be your family, because the family you were born into probably are not the people you want to be friends with (if you were born into a sucky family this is crucial, in my opinion).
July 30th, 2010 at 2:58 pm
My mom mentioned a quote to me (I don’t know where she found it):
“Be cool, calm, and collected, and everything will fall into place.”
I usually spend so much time worrying about future things I have no control over, and then things usually resolve themselves (your #2 lesson), so this is a pretty useful lesson for me.
Also, there’s a line from a Kathy Freston book (I think) that says “See through the lens of love,” and it’s been huge for me too. I used to expect the worst from people, and found it exhausting.
July 30th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
#9, #9, and #9 ive been so busy ignoring number 6 that i lost myself..my independence along with a lot of other things..thanks for this blog and the OK to be happy
July 30th, 2010 at 3:30 pm
I like what Gloria Steinem said: “The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.”
July 30th, 2010 at 9:16 pm
That is a great list, Alisa! A lot of truth in there!! Here are a few of my own:
#1 Sometimes a woman has to be a high-riding B!tch to survive. Sometimes being a B!tch is all a woman has to hold on to!
(This one especially helps me when I start feeling taken advantage of, and decide that it’s time to do something about it.)
#2 Don’t follow in my footsteps – I walk into walls (My words of wisdom for my younger sisters)
#3 You don’t fail if you fall; You fail if you don’t try to get up
#4 If you fall, fall on your back – because if you can look up, you can get up!
(Those last two are to remind me not to be afraid of hard times & failure – my ex-husband taught me the second one, and I will always be greatful to him for it!)
And, of course:
#5 “If a man doesn’t love me at my worst, then he doesn’t deserve me at my best!” (Marilyn Monroe, I believe???)
July 30th, 2010 at 9:50 pm
Great points. #1 especially.
mine is
most things are not mine to run or ruin. and the things that are, I should enjoy not destroy.
July 31st, 2010 at 12:57 am
#7 is AWESOME! I’ll have to remember that…..”try differently, not harder”. So true!
The whole post is great, but I needed to hear #7, thank you!
Off to a busy weekend, have a great one everybody!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
July 31st, 2010 at 1:04 am
@ what Kathy said and #6: I too have to pay my bills and file taxes and so on? I have to show up for work. I have to get out of bed. HOWEVER, I think what Alisa was trying to get across is that generally speaking, we put a lot more pressure on ourselves to get things done than is often really necessary. And in truth, we could all NOT get out of bed, go to work, pay our bills and so on, but then we’d have to live with the consequences.
@Angel & Tawny: yes, sometimes a woman does have to be a bitch to survive–but even at 26, I’ve found you do often catch more flies with honey than vinegar–you can be assertive without being mean. It’s a fine line to walk and I don’t always succeed, but usually, I get my point across quite well without being a full-on bitch! I have before, though, don’t get me wrong and in life/death situations, it’s better to be a bitch.
Also, I think if ANYONE doesn’t love us at our worst, they don’t deserve us at a our best. That is positively terrific–and I’m going to remember that! Thank you!
Thank you also for the “fall on your back, if you can look up, you can get up,” I have to remember that as well!
You two are wonderful!
And @ Judy, God Bless Gloria Steinam, I’ve always liked her. She’s right you know, the truth usually does piss me off, but it does set us free! Thank you for that reminder!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
July 31st, 2010 at 7:47 am
OK , I am 52 today and since I have a goal to be 110 I’[m not even half way through my life with I am sure many more lessons to learn but I do have a couple #1 is my own #2 I read somewhere because I have adult children.
1) When I go to heaven, I would rather have to explain footprints on my back than the heals of my shoes being worn out.
2) Having children means accepting that forever, a piece of your heart will reside outside your body.
3) Give abundantly because of how incredibly good it can make you feel.
4) Find something to like in everyone, it’s there, and hold on to it in dealing with them. At my office we have a VP of Sales who is an absolute jerk in everything until you here him on the phone with his wife (he adores her), then you just realize he is a flawed human being and can cut him some slack AGAIN!
5) Say I’m sorry even when you didn’t mean to do it; and mean it.
6) Try to never intentionally hurt someone.
July 31st, 2010 at 8:11 am
By the way Alisa, can’t send a thank you card to you for my birthday, as is my tradition, but I wanted to say that I don’t know what I would have done over this last 6 months if I hadn’t found you and this blog. Thank you for who you are– an incredible person.
July 31st, 2010 at 9:14 am
Wow – this is a great list! Can’t wait to read the rest.
Susan´s last blog ..Is It Writers Block Or Over-Thinking
July 31st, 2010 at 9:31 am
This is AWESOME Alisa. I am busy taking care of my beloved today before I have to leave for the bands show tonight so I’ll make a short list & revisit it latter.
1) The ostrich has it WRONG! If I bury my head in the sand. The problem doesn’t go away…. I just get more sand on my butt…lol
2) No matter how bad things get their is someone who knows the answer even if it I don’t. I just need to be open & listen to the solution, whether the answer comes from above or is very close by.
3) Rule 2 has exceptions. Some times their is no answer & to continue to try & find one is like trying to find the penny in the corner of a round room.
4) When things are bad, when times are hard, do something to help others who are in all likelyhood worse off than you are. You value all you do have, you don’t dwell on the things you don’t have, & the blessings you receive are priceless.
5) God knows the future even when we don’t & he is a LOT smarter than me
5) It is easy to pity ourselves for not having shoes until you meet the person who has no feet.
These are mostly life lessons I have learned trough the many trials we are currently enduring. They really do keep me focused & keep me striving to be a better me. I will always stumble but have vowed to learn from my mistakes. Don’t beat myself up over them. That just takes me backwards. Instead do better next time & be thankful that I learned & grew from them
Everybody have a GREAT weekend
Ron
July 31st, 2010 at 9:31 am
What a fantastic list. I’d add:
It takes less effort to be nice than it does to behave badly.
Can’t wait to read the next list of what you’ve learned by 40.
Donna Hull´s last blog ..Saturday’s scene- Celebrating At The Great Wall of China
July 31st, 2010 at 6:06 pm
#6 is WAY more true than people think. Have a major health crisis and you’ll see.
Frugal Kiwi´s last blog ..Ask and You Shall Receive
July 31st, 2010 at 8:28 pm
Love your attitude! My favorite is #7.
August 1st, 2010 at 5:01 am
I love this list! And I love everyone’s comments. This really makes me think. Most definitely, I have much less fear of failure than I did in my twenties. Failure and setbacks are good, this kind of stuff makes you grow. I know I’m happier in my forties than I was when I was younger. A fragile ego is not good for happiness.
I can’t wait for the rest of your list.
Christine´s last blog ..Salsa summer
August 2nd, 2010 at 7:18 pm
You have learned SO much in 40 years, Alisa. Many people don’t learn these things in a lifetime. I’ll add some:
It’s easier to be pleasant and nice than mean and bitchy
Nothing is worth getting in a tizzy over – except your health and your family’s health
It doesn’t really matter what other people think
If you don’t try you’ll never know what could have been
And lastly…a very happy birthday to you!
Sheryl´s last blog ..Five Secrets to Losing Weight Without Feeling Hungry- Deprived- Grumpy and Cranky