When I was working on my marriage, I wondered “What the heck did I ever see in that guy?” a lot. At the very beginning of the marriage project, I would have sworn that I hadn’t really fell in love. I’d just accidentally gotten married. At the time I was so unhappily married that I’d planned my husband’s funeral in precise detail. Yet, I couldn’t think of one thing to put in a love letter to him.
Eventually, though, after much thought and much soul searching, I started to remember what I had once seen in him. I started to see why I had once been attracted to him. Eventually, I was able to write that love letter. I read it every now and again just to remind myself why I’ve decided to keep him in my life.
It was a good exercise for me. It might be for you. Today’s post is unusually short. That’s rare for me. But I left my brain on a bus somewhere. I have nothing witty to write. There are no funny stories in my mind. So I leave you with these questions. Why did you fall in love with your spouse? Why do you still love your spouse today? Think about it. Write it down. Let your spouse read what you’ve written.
Two Announcements
1. I will be taking a short break from the blog. There are a series of posts that I want to write about the Karma project. It has finally dawned on me that they are never going to get written unless I create some free creative space in my mind. I also have three books to read that various people have sent me. And there are a few other important tasks that I want to complete. I will come back better than ever in about a week or two.
2. I will soon be awarding the Happily Ever After Award to one couple a month. This award will go to a couple who has worked to improve their marriage. I’m still figuring out a few details regarding the prize and application process. I’ll be announcing this when I return from my break. But Kathy: you won the naming contest. I’ll get the Rich and Happy book to you soon.
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Why i fell in love with my spouse, because he treated me GREAT, once upon a time. He treated me like a queen and took very care of my heart, he opened doors for me, he listened to me, he was great to talk to. He was my opposite – he enjoyed doing things i would never do, i.e. MMA and drums. He was open to doing things that I enjoyed and vice versa. We were a team. He has a good heart. A lot has changed since, be he still does the things he enjoys, i.e. MMA and drums when he has a chance and I think he still has a good heart, but everything else has changed.
I fell in love with my husband because he listened to me, never interrupted me when I talked and genuinely cared about what I had to say. Now, if you don’t know me, I am a very quite and shy person and even around friends they would have conversations and I would just nod a smile because I always felt rude to try to inject my thoughts or if I tried to someone else would speak over me. When we started dating, most of the time we spent together was just talking into the wee hours of the morning. He became my best friend and still is. We’ve been married for almost six wonderful years, and we’ve matured a lot in those years. We’ve both changed, our love for each other has matured just as much. I still love him because he’s still handsome, sweet, very caring, and let’s me do really crazy things that I would never thought to do before I met him.
I swear this is the only place I win prizes. Thanks, Alisa.
Wow, you’re taking the next week or two off. I don’t know if I’ll survive. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m in the process of quitting smoking. I’m 1 1/2 hours short of 24 hours without a cigarette. I’m doing pretty good, considering. Hubby is also quitting, but he’s had 5 cigarettes today. I’m better at cold turkey.
Back to the topic. Why did I fall in Love? Easy, he made me laugh. The very first time I met my husband (and I was engaged to someone else), we bantered. I love to banter with people. And he made me laugh then, too. Fast forward nearly a year, I’m available, he’s available and he’s still able to make me laugh. And I’m able to be completely, 100% ME.
He still makes me laugh. Actually, we crack each other up. We have this strange ability to say the most obscure thing and the other one will get it. Last summer I was going on vacation without hubby – girls’ road trip. I said I was anticipating something going wrong. He responded with “you’re feeling like Heinz”. I totally got what he meant and nearly peed myself. A few months after that, I pulled the same on him, just with a different punch line. He got it. That’s why we still love each other – we make each other laugh.
We also play well together. Just our daily interaction is fun or we make it fun.
Now, I hope we don’t kill each other while we’re quitting smoking. We had one quick fight tonight. All of about 5 minutes. I think we both just walked away knowing that it’s the lack of nicotine that is making us cranky and not understanding what the other is saying. Actually, I’m very impressed on how well we are doing.
People that care about me quitting smoking: please don’t ask how it’s going. When Alisa blogs again, I’ll let you all know how I did. This is why I’m not telling anyone I’m quitting – it’s more pressure and I don’t want to be asked “so, how’s the quitting going? Are you jonesin’ for a cigarette?”.
Alisa, have fun doing what all you’re going to be doing. If you’re gone more than a week, I won’t be here when you return, I’ll be on vacation with hubby. So, I’ll catch up when I get back from vacation if your back before I’m back. (Hey, the brain isn’t working so well right now, if the previous sentence made no sense.)
Yea a new post. You still rock Alisa
Will read & comment after morning caregiver stuff.
I just needed to check the box..lol
@ Sabrina. I didn’t know your hubby was a drummer. Obviously a man of class & taste. I mean hey he is a drummer & married you.
I fell in love with Ray because he was the only man that I ever went out with that could kiss right! Sounds strange I know but our lips just fit perfectly, that was the start of it. He met me when I was the single mother of three young children, scared to death and always struggling to make ends meet. He thought I was couragious and that gave me the boost to keep going and live up to his faith in me. He liked my children and in everyway tangible he became their dad. They love him too. My son told him at his wedding that he was the best thing to happen to our family. I still agree. He had a very abusive childhood but has never taken repeated that anger toward the children and believe me, he has been sorely tested.
He wanted to be around me alot, he is a nurturer, caregiver personality, and would care about weather I was eating right or getting enough sleep as I built my bookkeeping business.
He is the most generous person I have ever met, the old give his shirt off his back, was made to describe him.
If asked what he will do when he retires he always says “Driving Ms. Joanne” because he knows I will probably not quit working until I am very old and I am already a horrible driver.
Alisa, you will be missed but two weeks isn’t the end of the world, I am glad you are taking some “you time”.
I fell in love with my man when we first kissed. Although he had never, ever kissed another women, and I was not attracted to him at all and it was really just a pity kiss, it was the best kiss in my life ever at that point! He turned into my sex god! Since then I have dug my claws in and will never let go as someone else will surely snatch him up if I do!
I think its interesting that most people here are talking about what their partner did for them rather than who their partner is. Maybe that is the reason we fall out of love so frequently nowadays. When the “love” behaviors stop, we just don’t feel in love anymore. Luckily, me and my man have always kissed, so I am still in love after 5 years.
Wait, I just discovered this blog today, and you’re taking a break?? That’s okay, it will give me time to read the archives.
This is a wonderful, wonderful blog, and I could really use the advice. But today it’s all about why I fell in love with my husband of 10 years, Ely:
He’s really funny, and young at heart. I had just divorced a man who was controlling, critical, and deathly serious, and Ely’s youthfulness and exuberance was like a breath of fresh air. Ely is many things, but he will never be a grouchy old fart, and for that I am eternally grateful.
He made even mundane things like grocery shopping an adventure.
He was great with my three small children (now all grown), and now that we have a child of our own, he is a devoted and dedicated father. I knew from our first date that he would be a terrific dad, and I was right.
He’s the master of small gestures, and maybe I don’t always appreciate them as much as I should: he’ll run to the store to get me coffee, record a show he thinks I’ll like, surprise me with a Hershey bar.
He gets me, really gets me, and sometimes I think he’s the only person on the planet who really does.
Wow. Thanks for this. It makes a huge difference to focus on the positive.
I fell “in love” with my husband for two reasons – his biceps and him showing up to a play I was in while in college for a second time (the midnight showing, after he already came to the evening showing) to surprise me. My husband is not a play guy and this totally blew me away that, after only a month of dating, he would surprise me like this. Those are the two reasons the falling “in love” stage happened in my memory.
To me, there’s a difference between that “in love” stage and loving my husband. I now love my husband because he’s a quality man. He’s loyal to his friends. He knows me better than I give him credit for most days, showing me this by surprising me when he says/does something without me asking just because he knows why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. He accepts me, warts and all, and that’s not an easy task. He teases me for things he finds silly, but supports me pursuing things I’m interested in and supports me keeping and maintaining friendships. He wants to do his best at everything he does for himself and for those he loves. He’s an intensely private man, but has let me in many times over the years. I love my husband in such a different way than when we first fell “in love” 9 years ago. It’s much deeper and more committed… and easy to take for granted. But posts like this cause me to step back, write out why I love him, and remember. My husband feels love for me, but he also shows me love in many small ways each and every day. He’s one of the good guys, and I feel lucky to have a strong partner to go through life with.
Whoops… forgot to check the box.
Lot’s O good comments today. I have really enjoyed all the reasons so many fell in love. I have been trying to come up with my own but am finding it hard to put into words. The reasons are so many. I guess the easiest way to sum it up is to say because she is who she is. Kind, loving, caring, supporting & knows when to pull me in & when to just give me some space. The give me space one is difficult for a lot of people. It mainly comes down to trust. I have shown her over the years that she doesn’t have to worry about me leaving physically or emotionally. Then there is the woman I can spend the rest of my life with test. It involves a tennis ball & a garden hose but I digress…ha! I am just kidding but then again….HA!
today…. i don’t know why i fell in love. why is it that Its the biggest moment in my life, and its also so easy to lose sight of?
I had the same problem Marissa. Still I love my wife dearly. Sometimes it is hard to put your finger on it though. Basicly because she is her…lol
Why I fell in love with my husband…well, when I fell in love with my husband I was 16. He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. And he was so sweet to me. He was early to our first date (early!) and brought me flowers. He always listened to me, respected me, surprised me. And on top of it all he was hot too…six pack abs (which I should add he still has!) We just clicked. We would talk for hours, even on the phone and he HATES talking on the phone. He got me to try new things, and gave me a confidence in myself that I never had before.
We have grown up together, became adults together. We’ve both changed over the years, some things for good, some not so good. We’ve had our ups and downs, and are still working our way back up from the last down. But we’re still together. And I still love him.
Sassygirl;
I just read your post “And I still love him.” and I’m sitting here at work crying. So SIMPLY beautiful. I loved reading it. I still feel that way about Ray too.
This is great – and so important. To think back and remember the early days of my relationship with my husband. Why did I fall in love? He was handsome, of course. Very handsome. But most of all, he was intelligent with a great sense of humor. And I think a lot of married people say that: my spouse was smart and funny. But what’s great is that we each have a different unique sense of humor, a different definition of smart. You have to be on the same wavelength as your mate in these areas. And that’s what makes a relationship work, what makes two people uniquely suited for one another.
.-= Eva @ Eva Evolving´s last blog ..“I Don’t Care!” Post-Mortem =-.
I fell in love with my husband because he allowed me to be fearless while still loving me. That takes incredible courage and I adore him for that.
He still is that way. How can I not still love someone who lets me be this way.
.-= Maureen´s last blog .. =-.
Thanks Joanne…didn’t mean to make you cry though! It just seemed to sum it up, you know.
I think that keeping and treasuring love in marriage is a precious gift. So often we’re caught up in the day-to-dayness of marriage, and we forget the things we saw in our partner that sent us into love. We have to work to keep that spark alive through strong communication, and through respecting not only the things we share but the things that make us different from our partners. The yin-yang of marriage is often the best part!
Sassygirl- I just started menopause so I cry at Hallmark commercials anymore. I could just hear your love in that simple statement.
KathyC- I love that “the yin-yang of marriage”. Ray is very different from me in many ways and I revel in it.
@ KathyC. So very true. It is so easy to fall into that pattern & taking our spouses for granted after years of marriage. I assume I was very guilty of that in my first marriage. So I have dedicated myself to not making that boo boo again. Sometimes after 9 years of marriage I need to remind myself of the things I fell in love with in regards to my beloved. Sometimes it is hard to see as her illness has changed all of those things. So I just look for new reasons to love her & find them every day. I guess none of us are the same after years of growth. I often hear people say that “he/she just isn’t the same person I married 20 years ago”. Well after 20 years I would hope not..LOL If they looked at themselves they would find that they are not the same either.
On your other point it is funny that my beloved & I were very different people in the whole Ying vs Yang thing when we married but have become more alike over the years. We still are opposites in many ways too & I treasure that. After all if we were exactly alike I would be married to ME & what fun is that?.. LOL
Drummer guy, yes, you “get it!” But I put a wrong URL in my post. Try http://www.talk2myheart.com instead. Site with solid advice on communication. Your comment about married couples becoming more alike but still treasuring the differences hit home with me. Shared lives bring us closer together. Maybe the yin and yang become shades of gray instead of stark black and white…but still yin and yang!
Honestly, I fell in love with my husband because I was young and he was young and it was just animal attraction. It’s only now that I realize my subconscious was definitely at work realizing that he is incredibly honest, he accepts me for me and we’ve always had fun together!
Enjoy the time away Alisa to cross those things off of your `To-DO’ list and recharge. Well deserved.
Thanks Kathy. I checked the other blog too. Very interesting.
KathyC… I love the visual of a yin and yang becoming more shades of gray than contrasting black and white over the years. Maybe it’s more of a light gray in the middle, fading out to the black and white on the outer edges.
Mutual respect, admiration, fun and shared passions for theater and travel. That’s what made us fall in love and keeps us together, still.
PS. Happy break time!
I fell in love because he was kind, funny, thoughtful, happy, and easygoing. And those are the things I still like about him!
I fell in love with my husband because he was the only man I’d ever met with ambitions as big as my own and a heart as tender. We had to learn how to be each other’s cheering section, but we’ve always done a good job of being each other’s safety net.
I fell in love with my husband because he was persistent. He made himself such a fixture in my life at a time when I wasn’t looking to have a serious relationship, that I ending up falling in love any way. Over the past 20 years, we’ve had more downs then ups, and at some point fell out of love. In the past three years, we’ve worked on being in love again, and this time I fell in love with the man he is, generous, funny, loving, thoughtful, and a much better communicator. I fell in love, twice, with the same man.
A good topic, and something anyone in a long term relationship should consciously do once in a while, particularly when they are not feeling ‘in love’ I believe. At the end of my marriage my wife used as one of her reasons for leaving was that in 21 years (16 of those married) she couldn’t think of a single ‘Wow’ moment we’d ever had. She had evidently read in some book that this was an indicator of whether you should stay in a relationship. In 21 years not a single ‘Wow’ moment?!!! Imagine that – boy I must have been a terrible husband! No, seriously, I know now it was just a justification because she had to find reasons why she wasn’t happy with me (and we’ve all discussed this in a previous blog, about we need to look inside ourselves for happiness, not look for it externally in things, our partners, etc). She even gave me w written list of all my failings. Must say at the time this really was one of the things that cut through my heart the most, but I’ve mostly come to terms with it now.
Anyway, I digress – why I fell in love with her? Because she seemed to be a fun loving person who (on the surface) didn’t seem needy (I’d come out of a relationship with someone who was sweet but very needy, so guess I was subconsciously looking for someone different), and seemed to be ‘in sync’ with me – we had lots of superficial differences, but for me I celebrated those as it’s great to get other people’s points of view. All changed as time went on, but that’s what really attracted me to her.
Now I have a new woman in my life who is fantastic, and what attracted me there – really very similar things; a confident positive person who likes to have fun, but has a well rounded personality. I guess the only scary thing in the back of my mind is that these are the same things (in general terms) that attracted me to my former wife, as as the years rolled on there she changed so much, so I will be much more careful this time and less likely to take things at face value. I’m pleased to say though, after almost two years, so far so good!! (or should that be great?!)
Have a good rejuvenating break Alisa. We’ll all miss you and be very happy when you’re back. Can’t wait to read more about the three books you are reading!
@Bern. I am so sorry to hear of the desinigration of your first marriage. Your wife sounds very similar to what I did in my marriage. I see so many female friends who go through the same thing. I even found out that almost every marriage goes through that & it is usually the wife who looses the warm fuzzies & mistake that for not feeling in love anymore. While I didn’t make a list of all his shortcomings, internally I blamed him for my not being happy. But to expect those same feeling we had during the honeymoon phase is unrealistic. Maybe we women read to may romance novels & watch oxygen channel to much
If I had to guess, I would guess that your marriage must have been in between that 15-20 year mark. That seems to be the time it happens to most. I don’t know about all women but in my case I had these expectations that I would always have the warm fuzzies for a lifetime of marriage. But I have found the same ideas with all my female friends. It’s a shame your ex like myself jumped ship & hurt a good husband. I see from some of your other post that she may be starting to realize her mistake. Hopefully she will learn from it. I am so glad to see you met somebody & wish you MANY years of happiness. My ex did & I have learned to be happy for him. He deserved that & the lady he married is a really wonderful wife for him. She has been a great step mother to my grown children as well. I do encourage my friends & co-workers not to make the same mistake I did & hope some of the post I leave here will be helpful as well. Thanks for sharing.
Dear Hopeless Romantic – I agree with alot of what you say but have to tell you that after 15 almost 16 years of marriage I AM still passionately in love with my husband, Ray, and while just about everyone tells me the passion fizzles over time but the love continues, I just don’t understand why that has to be the case. I refuse to just accept that there will come a time when I look at that man and not want to run, lock the front door, and have my wicked way with him. 9 times out of 10 I can convince him it is what he wants too.
Ladies, don’t settle, just like happiness is truly found from within, romance is a verb and it needs action.
Actually Joanne I agree with you 100%. It should be that way & you are lucky that it still is with yourself & your hubby. I think most of the time, romance dies of neglect. We stop doing the things that we did when we were wooing our spouse & start taking things for granted. Mine died because of my own neglect. Through no fault of his I stopped looking at him the same way, stopped desiring him the same way but it was a change within ME & not him. I so regret those changes & have learned my lesson the hard way. I was just passing along what I hear from my girlfriends about how they all feel the romance died at that 15-20 year mark. Most of them will admit they didn’t do anything to keep the fires burning & have this fantisized notion of what romance & long term commitments are really about. I think they mistake lust for love but that’s another subject entirely
I so applaud your efforts to keep the fires burning & hope that others here learn from it. You show dedication to your spouse & your marriage. Something that I worry about especially with our younger generation. It is fascinating to hear from some of my much younger coworkers & hear their thoughts on marriage & just long term relationships. It is also very scary. Most of them have some really strange idea’s of what it is to be married. Mostly it’s all about them with no thought of the potential husband. One even wanted to meet my son. He’s a real hunk but given what she has told me in the way she thinks of relationships, commitment etc. I would body tackle her before letting her anywhere near my son lol.
HR (hopeless Romantic) – I have enjoyed the insights in your posts and really appreciate you taking the responsibility for your actions but my experience is that in most cases it takes two to have a good or bad marriage. Even the other people men and women who are posting who have lost their first marriage have said that in hind sight they neglected to see or act on something.
With Ray, I have the large libido he is willing but it isn’t as much a need or want for him so we are constantly in conflict over it. It is the primary problem in our marriage but so far hasn’t been a deal breaker. We’ve agreed to continue to woo each other, to make it a conscious effort to look our best and act our best for each other as we tend to do for outsiders. I always thought that it was interesting that we would be slobs at home and let ourselves go to pot because we have the “I Do” nailed down instead of continuing to impress the person we love as a show of how special they are to us. Why give our best to a stranger and than less than all we can be to the most important person in our lives.
That whole Familiarity breeds contempt notion. Anyhow, actually it would be a good idea if I can find a way to douse my fires a bit, I’m sure Ray would welcome the break. LOL.
You wore out the poor guy
That’s cute. I guess if anybody had anything to complain about that would be a good one to have lol. As I was talking about with some of my friends many of them just flat cut their husbands off & have NO remorse about it. Such a shame. I like what Dr.Laura (yea I disagree with a lot of what she say’s but) said. Why would you deny yourself a perfectly good orgasm? 
So glad you and Ray continue with the wooing process. I am like you in that I wonder why would you give your spouse the worst in baggy sweats but look hot for total strangers. Nothing wrong with the weekend sweats coming out for household work but I wouldn’t expect my man (if I had one lol) to want to jump my bones when I am in a guuny sack..lol As for dousing the flames I would imagine a diet of garlic & lot’s of onions might do it. Oh wait that only works for turning him off 
Have a fun filled day.
Oh & by you I mean we as a species in general
HR- I’ve tried lots of stuff and was even kind of expecting menopause to dampen the flames a bit but unfortunately empty nesting started at the same time as menopause and well…… I did a google search to “lower a woman’s libido” and while there are hundreds of pages with sights that will tell you how to increase it there was only one I found that discussed decreasing it. I can’t win the lottery but in this I must be unique.
Yea I went through a period in my mid through late thirties where my libido went nuts. Not a good thing when you are single. I’ll only admit this because I am anonomous here but I found a good toy store online
yea not the same but it sure did help…lol & I never was into the meaningless sex thing. After menopause it did go down but your not alone. I have known several friends that had theirs either increase or stay the same afterward.
HR- You’ll find this blog is very open about alot of stuff. Alisa has even listed a sex toy store “Edens Fantasy” and gave a gift certificate to it as a prize which I won about 2 or 3 months ago. I haven’t used it yet because I want Ray to look at it with me and get a joint ‘something’ if possible. He is a bit timid in these areas so I have yet to nail him down.
I don’t remember if there were a lot of joint toys out there or not. When I was married the hubby & I still learned to play with them together even if they were made for women. Seemed to really get his motor going just by me getting going. I would think they have toys for couples by now. We got one for him & he said it didn’t do much for him. So we decided the next would be for me. I still have it..lol Maybe you could get Ray to sit & look with you after a good frolic. At least his mind and other parts would be into it then
Hopeless Romantic – yes, I think my situation was very like yours but I’m on the other side of the coin. When I read your post in the previous blog that was my immediate thought – I know exactly what you were talking about, but from the other side! You were also spot-on with your time frame as well – we were together for 21 years and married for the last 16 of them, and it’s very interesting that you say that’s the experience of your friends as well. My ex wifes reactions in the last two years since she left do indicate that she has periods of regret, but with her emotional immaturity (I do genuinely use that term in the phsycological meaning, not in a dismissive or derogatory sense) and pride she doesn’t want to admit it even to herself, let alone me or anyone else! Actions speak louder than words though, and knowing her well I can see signs. She goes through theree distinct stages of verying lengths – one is of trying to engage me a little – it’s always about something with the children but usually something very trivial. The next stage is avoiding me altogether, and the third stage is acting like she doesn’t give a toss (to the point of coming up and speaking to people right next to me and completely ignoring me). It’s crazy and was ‘doing my head in’ for a while, but I’ve come to understand that there’s lots of things in her personality I’ll never understand, so I just accept it at face value.
Problem for me is, that after 2 years and even finding another fantastic person in my life, that I even care at all, and honestly don’t know how I’d react if she suddenly wanted to come back to see if there was anything left to work on. Not likely, but I never know with her.
Joanne – you are right; it does take two to make a good or bad marriage, and I’m sorry if I gave the impression in previous posts that this is all her ‘fault’- I certainly was not perfect and blameless by any measure! I certainly did and said things that in hindsight were not right, but I don’t believe any of my behaviours were destructive (violence, infidelity, alcoholism, etc). More than anything my mistakes were that I was blissfully unaware of what was really going on, and mistakenly believed that the ups and downs we had were just that – normal ups and downs. I know now, looking back, that there were signs I should have reacted to, but as I say, I really just thought they were ups and downs. So in many ways we both took the marriage for granted – just that our expectations were different and we never really discussed them – I didn’t because I didn’t properly read the signs and she didn’t because my failure to read her mind was a sign to her of my lack of love. One of my great regrets is that many of the faults which she brought up as justifications to leave were for not doing things that she didn’t do herself – so I was being held to a standard that wasn’t articulated to me and secondly and most importantly she didn’t hold herself to. But all that said, I take resonsibility for my actions and know I could’ve done things better, and was sad that she believes she was blameless, but didn’t want to do anything to bring us back together.
Whew, a long post! Sorry everyone if I have waffled on too much!
Bern; My comment about it taking two wasn’t directed at you. It was meant to tell hopelessly romantic that while it is laudable that she acknowledges her part in the demise of her marriage that there were two people in the marriage and it usually isn’t all one persons “fault”. In essence I was saying she should give herself some slack she wasn’t the only adult in the marriage.
YEA it’s FRIDAY….YIPPIE!!!! I think we need to come up with a new topic to discuss. We miss ya Alisa. I hope you are getting everything done you need to. I can’t imagine how you find time to write, mother, marriage & the many things you juggle. You are a busy person
H.R thanks so much for your post. Interesting observations. I have known many aquantences that seemed to go through the same situation. Many of them jumped ship also. Like yourself many regreted it as well. I share your concerns over the younger generation. I have known so many, male & female who’s views on marriage are downright scary. They are so self centered. Their behaviors make me wonder why they ever got married. If they want to spend all their time off work partying, drinking with friends, sleeping around that’s fine but stay single…lol
Joanne I am so glad to see you & Ray are continuing your journey. It warms my heart to see such dedication. I do understand the high libido thing. For most of my life I had a very hyperactive libido. From when I first became sexually active (too young) I had what some may consider an abnormally high sex drive. I can look back now & see how many bad choices I made in my youth. Back in the 80′s Heavy Metal heyday when I was in a band on the road it provided too many opportunities for what would be considered risky behavior these days. I realize now how stupid it was but being single & in my 20′s we probably could have made an episode of VH1′s behind the music..lol After I got married all that settled down. I still had the really high libido but directed it to my marriage. I probably drove my spouse crazy as well…lol
My beloved of today knew before we were married that I had a high drive. She even once made me say uncle on our honeymoon & I didn’t think that was possible..lol But even before she became ill the sex started to wain. Not completely but got to what most would consider a more normal sex life. From daily to once or twice a week type. Fast forward to today & it is non existent because of her illness. While I do get frustrated I remind myself this couldn’t be helped & she feels bad about it as well. So she does take care of me. I am sure you know what I mean & I need not elaberate ….lol I tell her she doesn’t have to because I feel like she is being ignored but she says she really likes to so I’m not gonna complain. After all, her skills in that regard are one of the things that got me married again. There I go making myself blush…lol
Anyway I didn’t mean to blabber on so much. I would wonder & if it is too personal I understand. What would you consider normal. Or how often are your expectations, once a week, once every 2 weeks etc? The only reason I ask is I would love to hear what somebody else with a high libido considers satisfying. Granted mine has ebbed a little in the last year or so I guess from age. Also while many consider a high libido to be a man thing. I know several women friends who say theirs is really high as well & share your frustrations with their husbands. The bass player & rythym guitar player in my band are married & even getting close to fifty she expects it almost daily. She thought it would wane after a hysterectmy but her hubby says the only difference is he doesn’t get that once a month break…LOL Anyway my point is your not alone. Many women have a high libido as well. It’s kind of funny how many people, male & female with high libidos end up married to somebody with a low one. I do wish you & Ray well as you continue on your path of love & the many wonders it brings.
Drummer Guy, here’s my news – I haven’t had a cig since a week ago Thursday. Haven’t even been cranky. Yippee!!!! However, I am having a brownie for breakfast this morning. Not from the not smoking, just getting in the party mood since I’m headed out for a pool party with the girls today. We’re also making plans for a Girls Get Away in a couple months.
Life is good!!!
Hubby and I are heading out for vacation on Monday. Yippee!!!!
That’s AWESOME Kathy. I wish I had a pool here as I live in the deep south & our HOT weather is here. It’s so hot I saw a dog chasing a cat & both of them were walking…lol Hope you have fun on vacation. With my beloved being so sick & the financial difficulty it causes it has been quite a while since we could take one. But that is one of our goals. She has been doing a little better so it would be nice to do something like a 3 day getaway some place nearby. You inspired me to look into that. CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!! LOL
Why did I fall in love with my wife? Because she was kind, caring, funny, beautiful, and well, it all just made too much “sense”. It just seemed like we were drawn to eachother and it was hard to see where I started and where she began. Obviously that was all at the beginning in the infatuation stage, and, now, I’ve had to look even deeper into why I am in love with my wife. I still think we make complete sense and are great companions and can continue to be great together even though we have a boatload of issues to work through (one being the “I love you but…” on her end).
After reading through these posts, though, I really wonder why marriage has become such a disposable thing. I mean, I really don’t want to become just another statistic. When I said “I do” I mean forever through both good and bad times. Maybe I’ve got an old-fashioned mentality even though I’m in my 20s, but I really thought that marriage is something you continue to work on unless there are issues of abuse, addiction, infidelity (though even then people work to stay together), or serious crime (“honey, I’m going to jail for life, is that cool?”). Not that I’m saying anyone should stay in a marriage if they are completely miserable, but I’m saying that working through that misery and turning it into happiness seems to be like the most fulfilling option. I think it’s possible, but it seems like it’s easier just to give up (maybe it isn’t easier at all… quite confusing). The internet is strewn with stories about people just giving up when the issues that they had were workable. Maybe it’s that people just dig their feet in and stay on polar opposite ends of the spectrum of a problem or problems. I just don’t get that portion of it. This is definitely not a knock on anyone who has posted above at all. I’m just continuing to search for understanding as to why people give up.
Thanks, Drummer Guy.
I’ve been sort of “insisting” that we take vacations. Hubby has over a month of vacation time on the books. After 200 hours saved, he doesn’t accumulate anymore. So, use it or lose it, as I say.
I hadn’t taken vacations for years before I met hubby. Now I try to get one or two in a year.
I hope you and your lovely bride can get away for a few days. Around here, after Labor Day, the rates go down. We’re going during the peak time, but hubby’s about to stop earning vacation time.
Do a Google search for vacation rentals where you want to go. That’s how I’ve found our last two vacation spots. And now I’m searching for our “Girls Get Away” thru the same company.
Yes, I know about heat. It’s been near 100 or at 100 for about a month now. Ugh!!! Summer came early to TX.
Kathy- That is really great, I know it is hard but keep at it. Have a good time on your vacation.
Drummer Guy- If you and the mrs would like to vacation on the jersey shore, so maybe you could enjoy the beach or head into the city for a show, let me know, I’ll put you guys up at my house. With Ray’s good food and such you could have a nice vacation. We love to have visitors.
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