A Reader Participation Post
(and a By Your Request Post, too)
A while back, someone asked me what he should do about a friend who was mired in what seemed like an abusive relationship. This is the email he sent to me, slightly shortened by me:
My friend is dating a woman who he thinks is Mrs. Right, but this girl is BAD NEWS! She is incredibly controlling & INSANELY jealous. This woman controls who he calls, monitors his emails, checks his cell phone bills, determines what he can watch on TV (if there is, for instance, a woman in a bikini, he can’t watch it). If they go to a restaurant and they are waited on by a female, he gets wailed on verbally afterward. She is verbally abusive. I honestly fear for him. I have known women like this in the past, and most become VERY abusive. He is such a nice guy that he just defends these actions, saying, “Well, she only does it because she loves me.” Let me say also that he does nothing to give her suspicion and would never cheat. It just isn’t in his DNA. It all started on a fairly mild level, but I have seen it escalate over the past couple of months. My question is this. Do I sit him down and try to make him understand that he is making a huge mistake?
This is what I wrote back:
“You are asking, ‘When is it okay to interfere in someone else’s decisions?’ It has always been my belief that most people do not want unsolicited advice. They want you to listen. They want you to support them. They want you to be proud of them. But tell them what to do? Most people don’t want that—unless they specifically ask for it.
For instance, years ago someone told me that my husband — then just my boyfriend — was not good enough for me. Boy did I get angry. Now, years later, I look back on that moment and I can see what that friend saw. My husband was not behaving well back then. I deserved better behavior. Now I know that, and now I have it. But that was a life realization that I had to find on my own. No one could smack that realization into me.
So I think the best you can do is listen and ask probing questions. Maybe drop off a book or two. In the end, he might be getting something important out of this relationship that you can’t see from your perspective. As I once read, “We all pair up with our emotional equals.” She might not be your emotional equal, but she might be his. And he might need this challenge to grow.
Of course, it’s not easy staying out of someone else’s decisions. I won’t claim to be good at it. I frequently find myself saying things like, ‘What I would do if I were you’ and ‘this is none of my business, but….’
Sometimes we can’t help ourselves! More important, if you truly fear for his safety, then it’s worth saying something. Here is how I think I would phrase it:
‘This isn’t any of my business, and I’ve tried to hold myself back from saying anything to you about this many times. But I feel the need to get this off my chest. I promise that I will never bring it up again. I care about you and only want the best for you. What I am about to say comes from a place of fear because I fear for your safety. From what I can tell, your girlfriend seems to be very controlling and abusive. I’m worried about what she might do to you. I worry for your personal safety. I’m sorry if I offended you or hurt you by telling you this. I just could not live with myself if I said nothing.’”
Readers, what do you think? Did I offer the right advice? Would you have advised this reader differently? When do you think it’s okay to butt into someone’s life and decisions, and when do you think it’s important to keep your lips zipped? Leave a comment.
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{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
Yikes, this is a tough one.
The rule I TRY to follow regarding relationship advice to friends is that I don’t offer it unless asked. In this situation if the friend is complaining about the girlfriend’s behavior and is expressing that he is unhappy with her, then I would not hold back and would give my full opinion. I would start by asking why he allows her to control him. He is an adult and she cannot forbid him from doing anything without his consent.
However, if he seems to be happy with the relationship and is not constantly complaining then it’s not a problem for him and I would not feel comfortable saying anything.
.-= Cyndi´s last blog ..How Do You Stay In The Moment =-.
Absolutely excellent advice. I know this case well lol. I agree completely that perhaps it is best to let a person learn for themselves unless there is potential for actual physical harm. Jealousy is a really ugly emotion & can be very destructive to everybody involved. I have a friend that in his first marriage, his wife was always accusing him of cheating. Turned out she was the one who had numerous affairs. I wonder how often the accuser is deflecting their own behaviors? Probably the exception not the rule but interesting to ponder. That said abuse is never okay weather it is emotional or physical. Both do serious long term damage. I hope anybody who is in an abusive relationship will do what is needed (within the law of course) to protect themselves.
You rock as always Alisa
I agree with Cyndi, i dont give advice unless its requested. I know how I am personally, if I dont ask for your advice, i dont want to hear it, so i give people the same respect and space. And I blantantly tell them, if they dont want to hear my opinion on something, dont discuss it with me, because I will tell them the honest truth and sometimes, people are not ready to hear the truth. Just like I had to learn some things the hard way to learn, so do other people.
My answer is two fold, I agree with you Alisa and Cyndi that I don’t give advise unless asked and that lesson was hard learned by losing the relationship I had with my son. That being said I really appreciate the fact that a girlfriend of mine in a upfront, pull no punches way, told me when I was off base in the way I would demeaningly talk to Ray in front of other people. I had to step back see the log in my own eye and correct my attitude. I did for a split second say where is the loyalty but then I also said she is showing me her loyalty and love by being honest and helpful to me.
Sorry forgot to hit the button below.
Joanne you make a good point. Makes me wonder if we sometimes take critisizm about ourselves better than about a spouse or love interest? Just a thought. Hmmm
I come from a place of having pretty much raised myself so in some instances I don’t think my take on things is the norm. For me just to have someone who cared enough about me to sit me down and express a worry would have me receptively listening. Growing up I don’t think anyone would have noticed if I walked down the middle of the road unless they had to come get me.
When I was discussing Ray’s retreating nature to my friend she openly said , Look, I love you, you know that but well do you realize you do this to him? I had to say wow, I do? and really look at it.
I don’t think I would be so sure about Giving unsolicited advise though as you said Drummer Guy it would depend on the severity of the situation. I would let my friend know I was there for them if they needed me though.
I’m torn. I just saw a show about girls that escaped a cult and one of the girls said: “Put your nose in, it could save someone’s life”. And I tend to agree. A lot of us walk around with “it has nothing to do with me” attitude. It may not affect you directly, but the domino effect is at hand. If this gal ends up eventually getting violent (as most abusers do – the controlling is the first step), how many people could potentially be hurt by that violence? Could this gal go “postal” at the guy’s office/workplace or some other public place?
And why would anyone sit by and watch their friend be abused? Even if it is just verbal, at this stage.
I wish someone had stepped in and protected me from my controlling then abusive boyfriend. But even when our friends watched him hit me, they still did nothing. It sure would have been nice for the guy that witnessed the hit, to get me out of the situation and tell the guy where to get off.
I’m all for getting into other’s business. Most people are too afraid to talk about what’s going on due to embarrassment or shame or whatever. Sometimes a bad situation needs to be brought to the person’s attention. Maybe the guy was abused as a child, so he’s used to the abuse and doesn’t expect to be treated properly.
Something needs to be said to the guy so that he can be enlightened that people shouldn’t treat others the way he’s being treated.
Kathy- You raise very valid points. I agree that when abuse is the case we should stick our nose in if we truly call ourselves a friend. What about when we know a friend is being cheated on? I gal above is jealous and controlling. As Drummer Guy pointed out could she be projecting onto this guys friend her own guilt of cheating?
I knew a guy that was always stepping out on a friend of mine and she didn’t know. I was in a terrible turmoil as to wether I should tell her or not, but I had facts not conjecture.
Kathy and Joanne – I do agree that when the situation is abusive it is difficult to not say anything. I had a friend whose husband was clearly verbally abusive to her. She complained about it all the time and I witnessed it myself. We had many conversations in which I gave her advice, the gist of it was mostly that she needed to get into therapy to figure out why she accepts such abuse and to get her strong enough to make a decision. She never did anything about it but continued to complain. I was very close to telling her to either do something or quit complaining to me about it because, frankly, it’s annoying to listen to the same complaints over and over again for years.
Unfortunately, before I had that conversation with her I witnessed first-hand all that she had been hiding about his physical and verbal abuse of both her and her son. After a long night literally hiding from him while he was in a rage and hearing horror story after horror story from her son, along with hearing the rages first hand as he repeatedly called her cell phone, she went right back home the next day. I have spoken to her many times since about her son in particular but she refuses to do anything about it still. Because I will not pretend that I don’t know what I know and I do not associate with known child abusers, she has basically cut me out of her life.
I reported him to the police, protective services and the son’s guidance counselor at school. There is no physical evidence so nothing was done and I imagine they are all still living in the same nightmare they were the last time we spoke.
It breaks my heart but she is the only one that can change their situation and she just won’t do it. I did leave the door open and let her know I’m always here but have heard nothing in 6 months.
I miss my friend and am terrified for her son but I do not regret speaking up or refusing to ever socialize with the animal she’s married to.
Cyndi- I don’t see what else you could have done in that situation. I watched my sisters husband start wailling on her with his fists because she parked their car in the wrong place. I had to pull him off her and got hit in the face once by him.
She actually came to me later on and told me that while she appreciated my sticking up for her I shouldn’t get involved. I just told her to keep her sick relationship out of my house then. She finally did leave him but only after he threatened to kill her and their 6 month old son.
I think the only reason she accepted it was because our Dad used to beat us up but he was Chief of Police so no one was going to save us. I think the whole town knew. I wonder what would have happened if someone did have the courage to get involved.
This is a really tough one. I gave someone advice of this sort once and the person was not ready to take it. It strained our friendship to the max. So, I would say, no, don’t intervene, don’t offer advice unless it is solicited.
(I had a cousin, female, who was in an abusive relationship with her husband. She died from cancer, and the family thinks it was to escape. Afterwards, I tried to rescue one of the children, who by that point had ended up in foster care. That was a trip, too. The father accused me of kidnapping. Hate to say it but best to stay clear of this type of thing.)
Everyone has valid points. Joanne, I too basically raised myself, so I’m sure my view is a bit different.
But for me, and speaking only for myself, I would feel worse if I didn’t say something and later the control turned to violence which turned deadly.
I’d rather lose a friendship than to experience guilt. In fact I did lose a couple of friends that were sisters, because I reported one of the sisters to child services for drinking and driving while her young daughter was in the car. I did it anonymously, but we’d talked for years about doing an intervention and there was always some lame excuse why the intervention couldn’t be done, so I’m sure they figured out it was me that called. (Nothing came of it, other than I lost two friends that I’d known for close to 40 years.)
I put up with the abuse in my above story (post) because my mom allowed my brothers to hit me until I was nearly 18. (My mother always said I deserved being hit by my brothers, so “I deserved it when my boyfriend hit me”.) It took me nearly having a broken jaw for my mom to tell my brother to never lay a hand on me. And by this point, she knew better not to hit me – I was stronger than she was. And I’m pretty certain the only reason she said something was due to the medical costs (found out during x-rays that my wisdom teeth needed to be removed) and that my step-mother complained to her about the expense (just months before my 18th birthday, so my dad had to pay for them).
Kathy- I am totally agreeing with you, maybe I wasn’t very clear on that. I promised after I got to 18 that no one would ever raise their hand to me again. Also, I made sure the cycle ended with me. My children were and are loved and have no fear of being hurt like that.
I think the question posed by the above situation is that without any evidence of abuse, it sounds like at this point she is just a control freak, should this friend put his two cents in. I agree with Alisa, that if he approaches his friend as she suggested and he doesn’t want to hear it, there isn’t much more he can do for his friend but maybe keep a watchful eye.
Your attempts to help your friends is courageous, I would consider you a loyal friend to have.
Joanne, I got that you agreed. I was just making my point very clear. Yep, no one has hit me since I turned 18. One guy (after I was 18) that had his fist formed and pulled back for the punch, never got the opportunity to hit me with that ready fist. And every guy I’ve been with since has been warned about hitting me.
Maybe the friend should give the friend statistics about how often a controlling partner turns violent. If this were a woman being controlled, other women would be all over saying it’s a problem.
I guess I watch too much Oprah and other shows that deal with control turning into violence.
And I guess from my own experience, the guy being controlled was overly controlled by a parent. More than likely a mother. Most men don’t tolerate being told what to they can and can’t do. Just speaking from my own experience.
doh! You were right about Comment Luv! Thanks sweetie
This is my problem: when I think so much about being diplomatic and “just right” about communicating something difficult to someone ……I always foul it up! I think because when I say what’s purely diplomatic it usually isn’t EXACTLY how I feel. Like I’m kind of lying. I think I’m more effective “off-the-cuff” just saying it like it is.
But …..you know why?? (You just made me realize) Because that’s what I LIKE BEST. I like it straight-out because I grew up in a household with fifty elephants in the living room no one ever talked about.
But not everyone grew up in that household. And of course not everyone is the same anyway. Maybe there’s no pat answer to this? Maybe it’s just about trying to understand what’s best for your friend?? And making the appropriate adjustments in delivery that would be the most effective for them?
In my humble opinion, the one “pat answer”? That you should at least try to communicate SOMETHING, SOMEHOW to you friend vs. doing nothing.
Thanks for making me think Alisa, as usual.
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Post-It Note Tuesday #10 =-.
Ditto. People don’t want to hear unsolicited advice even if they are in an abusive relationship. The best you can do is be there when they need you.
Been there, done that from both angles. Seen someone in an abusive relationship and been in one.
.-= Maureen´s last blog .. =-.
“We all pair up with our emotional equals.” She might not be your emotional equal, but she might be his. And he might need this challenge to grow.
oops, I wasn’t quite finished with my comment, I meant to say that I agree with this phrase and your post has helped me realize something very important. ( I have been dealing with something similar with a family member, and how can I just stand by and not ‘say’ anything, but I think the way you suggested to just say’ how you feel’ will be beneficial..
thanks Alisa!!
.-= Elisa_Croatia´s last blog ..It’s been one year…..living overseas =-.
I lost a friendship by butting in. The guy reminded me of my ex — controlling, condescending, chauvinistic. But he wasn’t abusive like my ex, so I should have kept my mouth shut. Ten years later they are married with two little ones and I’m out a friend.
Unless the person is physically abusive my advice is like yours: Just stay out of it!
–KB
You are SPOT on today girl!
I read this yesterday but needed to take some time to think about it before responding. I think your advice is very solid, Alisa, except that it is so … shy. I wouldn’t say, “I’ll never bring this up again,” because I think it IS probably going to come up again. It’s true that we can’t change people or give them advice if they aren’t ready to hear it but does that really mean we shouldn’t share our opinion? I think we owe it to our good friends to be honest and in a case like this where the woman is borderline abusive we need to speak out. Another way to say it (well, you’ve said this, too, so I think I’m just adding to your response) is to say, “I’m worried that you are being mistreated and taken advantage of. Please be kind to my friend ___ [add person's name here] and know you can always talk to me about your relationship–the good and the bad.”
@Karen–I’m wondering if maybe that was for the best? Maybe you didn’t want to remain friends with that person? Maybe it was a friendship worth losing? If you had stayed friends and she was with a chauvinistic jerk, you’d have to watch that, deal with it, and watch her suffer. Maybe you did the right thing by talking to her about it?
A lot of very interesting comments pro & con. I can say now that the email to Alisa was from me…lol I wanted to see the responses before I said anything because the situation resolved itself. But I am sure others may be faced with a similar situation & could use the advice. This was the lead guitar player in my band who had hooked up with the woman in question. The only reason I even considered saying anything was he was about to ask her to marry him but at this point it had already escelated to verbal abuse & I seriously feared for his safety.
MANY years ago I was a cop while I was in the Air Force & had to deal with a lot of domestic violence in base housing. I even had to go to a murder scene where the wife had killed the husband after she accused him of flirting with a waitress. We all knew this woman well because we had to go to their house on a couple of occassions & arrest her for domestic battery. He took her back every time. Usually upon investigation we would discover that he hadn’t done anything but due to her insane jealousy she THOUGHT he had flirted with some woman, got a phone call from female co-workers about work etc. At this time in history domestic violence wasn’t taken as seriously as it is today. In this last event she waited until he went to sleep & shot him. I guess the point is that while not all people with jealousy to the extreme are abusers 100% of abusers show jealousy to the extreme. Same with control issues. While not all people with control issues are abusers, 100% of abusers show extreme control.
Anyway y’all may be interested to hear how it finally ended. We did a show at a local casino. After a show we mix & mingle with the fans. A lot of these are female. The first time or two it caused some issues with his girlfriend but I had seen it escalate over time. Each time it got worse & worse. He never would have cheated with any of them but she got to the point of going ballistic when some woman so much as asked for an autograph. Latter it escalated to going ballistic if some girl so much as said “hey nice show guys, enjoyed your music” etc. So I knew there was going to be trouble.
Sure enough she went nuts. Apparently she verbally wailed on him the whole way home. At 3am I got a call from him asking if he could stay in our spare bedroom that night. They got home & she physically hit him & threw objects at him (glasses an ashtray etc). Every attempt he made at trying to calm her down only made it worse. So the poor guy was forced to leave his own house (she had only moved in a couple of weeks) before somebody really got hurt. It was at that point that I finally had to sit him down & I worded it exactly as Alisa had advised (you rock Alisa
). He called her that morning & asked her to move out & never contact him again.
It amazed me that he felt bad for her & was really hurt by losing her. Then again that seems to be the norm from the abused person. I was then scared for him when he got home from work that day & told him to PLEASE have the police meet you at the house when you go home. I guess that set her off again & they had to restrain her. I had seen this pattern over & over again from abusive people. What has never ceased to amaze me was when as a cop we would go to a domestic call, get there to find the husband or wife (mostly husbands) had beaten the spouse. When you would go to apprehend them the abused spouse who had just gotten the tar beaten out of them would attack US when they saw their husband was being arrested.
But wait it gets even better
. My next fear was that she would turn on the tears & give him the “I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again” story. She had already done that twice in just a coupe of weeks. Then he would take her back. So I paid like $15 or so & did an internet criminal background check. I discovered that she had several prior arrest for domestic violence & had a bench warrant out for not showing up in court for a prior arrest. I didn’t really want to give this to him unless he started to weaken & actually take her back. Like I said I had seen this happen over & over again from abused spouses. I talked to him every day as a good friend offering to help him, inviting him over for dinner etc.
On one of these dinners, sure enough he said they had been talking & he may let her move back in. He professed his love for her saying “I know she can change” & promises it “wont happen again”. At that point I gave him the arrest record & told him she more than likely said the exact same thing to the people she was arrested for attacking. His first reaction was defensive. Yes he was a little angry at me for doing it. I expected that. After a while though he knew I did it because I feared for his safety. I had already told him about all the cases of abuse I had seen in the past & he decided to break it off for good.
Unfortunatly law enforcement & D A’s still haven’t caught up to the fact that there are abused husbands out there & they don’t take it seriously. It took many years & quite a few deaths for them to catch on to the seriousness of male abusers. If this had been a male abuser he would have been in jail. Not bashing women at all but the statistics back it up. She had been arrested several times for domestic abuse. She barley received a slap on the wrist. If the cops had ran her through the system the night he kicked her out they would have discovered that bench warrant & took her off to jail. But they didn’t because they almost never take female attackers as seriously. She had physically attacked him the night before & he told them that. They just said “well your a man you can take care of yourself”. In a way I am glad they didn’t. It may have kicked in his rescue the damsel in distress thing.
So the moral of the story I guess is, I really hesitated to say anything to him until it reached the point of verbal abuse. I had seen the pattern of escalation over & over again so I had to weigh, do I tell him & risk loosing a very close friend or do I stand by & let him get really hurt. I guess it is something people have to weigh on a case by case basis & have to know the victims personality. Are they the type that are easy marks? He was. He is one of the nicest, mild mannered guys you will ever meet. It has gotten him walked on many times in his relationships. Sorry for the LONG response but I thought everybody might like to hear the outcome. Thanks Alisa.
Drummer Guy- Man your life is not dull.
Thanks, Drummer Guy. Yep, guys can get abused. Guys can also get raped. (Yes, I watch far too many crime shows.)
I would rather risk losing a friend than having a friend dead.
@ Joanne. Yup not dull at all. I don’t know how I get caught up in this stuff lol.
@ Kathy you read my mind (about the dead friend thing)…lol. It’s weird I just saw some show where there was a male rapist attacking men. Also what is up with all these female teachers having sex 7th grade boys? I wonder if it was happening all along & just not being reported or if it is a new phenomina. Just a thought.
@Drummer Guy, I hadn’t heard about the female teachers and 7th grade boys. I didn’t even know a 7th grader could get it up. And that is just sick of female teachers.
We must attract odd situations. I know I’ve dealt with my share.
Recently a friend told me she cheated on her husband. Now she’s disappeared. She’s not on Facebook anymore, her email doesn’t work, her cell phone doesn’t accept calls and she didn’t answer her home phone (no answering machine either). I’m half tempted to drive to her house to make sure she’s alive. But I don’t want her husband to wonder why I’m there. If even searched Facebook for some of her friends, can’t find them either. Too bizarre.
Kathy- This is just me but I would take a ride over there to see if she was OK. If you need a reason for her husband just tell him you needed some gal time to talk about some stuff in your life that has been bothering you and she wasn’t answering her phone.
But I think we all need to somehow un-dramatize our lives. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed here myself with all the dramas playing out around me especially since Ray and I have plenty of our own drama to work through.
Alisa- That is why this blog is so important though, we need to be able to talk about these things between us. We are soliciting advice from each other every day and I don’t know about anyone else but it has helped me alot.
@ Kathy. Yea there have been several cases in the news about some teachers having affairs with really young male students & those are just the ones that make the news. That means there are probably quite a few that go unreported. & yes a 7th grade boy can get it up. At that whole puberty age it is harder to keep it down than up. Usually it only takes strong breeze lol
That is an unusual situation with your friend. I hope they are okay. Could be that she ran off or could be in danger. You could make some excuse to drop by. Drop off a cake or anything. I had a couple of people come to me about affairs. They don’t now because I will tell them how I feel about them lol. I’m poking fun but they can devastate families & EVERYBODY involved. What could be more self centered? I had a coworker once who had one with a married man who left his wife for her. She later was actually surprised when he did the same to her. I love what Dr. Phil says, “if they will do it with you, they will do it to you”. I guess everybody thinks they will be the exception. Really tragic.
@ Joanne. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I do see so much drama from friends, co-workers etc. In a way it makes me realize that I am really lucky to have a good wife. With all the affairs, broken marriages, serious problems with kids etc. I often wonder if I just notice it more now or it is just more previlant in today’s society. Like you I also love this blog. I love studying human behavior, relationships & human interaction. Like you I love seeing the various advice & opinions as well. Like I always say “Alisa you rock”
I try to adopt a live and let live mentality. I don’t like unsolicited advice, and try not to presume to give it to others unless asked. I also try very hard not to be judgmental or a hypocrite.
Do I always succeed in those goals? Not likely. But they are the goals and people have to learn lessons the hard way sometimes.. even if you see them on a path to a situational trainwreck, it’s not up to you to decide what they do about it.
@Joanne, I would drive over there, but, I know she was supposed to leave town today. We had lunch Friday, so I’m pretty sure her husband knows I know this. I’m not sure how well I could pull off “Oh, I forgot she was going out of town”. Saying I need some gal time wouldn’t be a problem, but pulling off forgetting is harder for me. Even tho I forget almost everything. Her husband doesn’t know that about me. We only met once, briefly. And if he’s done something, I don’t want to be the one that catches him. If you know what I mean? I’m a bit scared – he’s a big guy that works out. And I’m not licensed to carry my gun on me.
@Drummer Guy, I’ll just wait it out. There’s only so much drama I am willing to get myself involved in. This is the 2nd gal pal that has confessed to me about adultery. Ugh! The first one I sent her to talk to her God and found a quote in the bible for her. This gal, I just said to not make leaving her husband about the guy she fooled around with.
As sad as this next is, she actually looked happy for the first time in a while. But I don’t believe in cheating on a spouse. I wouldn’t want it done to me, so I refuse to inflict that pain on another.
Thanks for the info about young boys. I should have known that growing up with four brothers. But I really wasn’t paying attention to their sexual maturity.
Yes, too much drama. I’m not big on drama. I don’t mind helping a friend talk things out or give my 2 cents to. But I don’t want the drama.
Kathy- Really sounds like a scary situation. I told my sister once by voice mail that if she didn’t call me back within 24 hours I was going to call the cops( Actually I was going to tell my dad, the cop) so she did but I think you said her cell wasn’t working. You can only do what you can do but please stay safe yourself.
Joanne, this is why I’m not going over there, I’m staying safe and keeping her confidence. I spent some serious time last night looking for her daughter on FB. And also the guy she’s “playing” with. But to no avail. I also looked for her husband – but with 500 guys with the same name, I gave up after the first 100 or so.
She’ll contact me or she won’t. I’ll either hear about something or I won’t. I don’t get or read the paper. So unless something horrible shows up on my news internet page, I won’t know anything.
Joanne–I totally agree. That’s what’s so great about everyone sharing so openly. I learn from you all as well!
Update: My friend just called me. She’s not dead! Her husband did find out and kicked her out of the house, closed her facebook account, cancelled her cell phone, etc. She’s safe and that’s all that matters.
My hubby said to me last night “do not go over there”. I wasn’t planning on it. Glad my hubby is concerned about my safety.
Kathy– glad she’s safe!
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..The Gore Effect =-.
Kathy- So glad you are safe too and that this weight is off your shoulders.
Thank you, Alisa and Joanne.
I’m glad the weight is off my shoulders too. I went so far as to check our city’s crime log last night – but couldn’t find it.
Kathy very glad to hear she is safe. Too bad this came at such a high cost but I wish her the best.
Instead of avoid the noid..Avoid the drama ha!
I personally could not live with myself if I didn’t say anything in this situation.
It doesn’t matter if a woman is doing it to a man–abuse is abuse is abuse, and it sounds to me like that’s exactly what this is. Jealousy, controlling behavior and constant put-downs are NOT love–it is abuse–plain and simple, especially when continued for a long time. And especially when the person (abuser) is unwilling to admit to it, get help or try to change–not that many can, but with therapy, self-exploration and a real effort–sometimes, they CAN. It’s rare, though not impossible. But, like any problem in life, you can’t fix it ’till you admit it. Abuse is a vicious cycle, I’ve seen it happen to friends and family in my own life, and it’s horrible…so, yes…..
I would absolutely say something to this friend, even if he got upset or would no longer talk to me–my friends safety is worth the friendship. Sometimes, the best friends will tell you what you NEED to hear, not just what you want. I love that about my own best friends–even if I’m not always happy about what they have to say–I am always touched that they care enough to say it–whatever it may be.
Also, even if this guy doesn’t leave or do anything NOW, once this friend of his (and probably others, too, I hope!) says something out of respect and concern, it will at least plant a seed in his head–get an internal conversation going within himself that will hopefully make him think twice before getting further involved with this abusive woman than he already is.
You know, abuse is so hard to recognize–especially in the beginning of a relationship, it can be so easy to brush off. But, abuse of any kind erodes our sense of self-worth, dignity and even our zest for life–men can be just as suseptible to it and they are victims too. This guy needs a wake up call, and it’s better that it come now than later–when it’s too late.
As far as actually offering unsolicited advice–well, sometimes, we just have to listen to our guts and intervene–in everyday situations, though, I try not to. It’s not generally a good idea unless I’m asked. But, this situation is different.
Goodluck to all of those involved!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Some really interesting examples here! In my view if its a dangerous situation it’s advisable to intervene, as it would be hard to live with yourself if someone got hurt or killed and you didn’t say anything. I think it was Winston Churchill who said ‘evil prospers when good men do nothing’, and if you have the opportunity to help a friend by trying to get them to wake up to an unsafe situation then you should do it, even if you lose the friend you may at least save them pain or even their life ultimately.
If you dont try then how are you ever going to get anywhere? Success is made with determination and hard work, nothing else, dont give up! Great read!
we are human that cares…
tell him about your thoughts and leave him the decision.
guess he is not stupid to not realize that going deeper (marriage) into that relationship means a lifetime commitment…
good luck!
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This post was so great. Though I am “back” as stated in other posts, I am still clearly behind and playing catch-up so I am opting not to read everyone else’s great comments. That said, I definitely agree with what you stated. As challenging as it is to not interfere in other people’s lives, we have to consistently acknowledge we can only control ourselves. We can encourage and support others, and the way you closed this post left room for that. Still, this man’s friend is the one who ultimately has to make a decision about how to move forward with or without the girlfriend.