My husband and I do not share the same values. I’m a Buddhist who strives to practice random acts of kindness at every turn. My husband’s religion is his bicycle. (You think I’m making fun of him here. You think I’m exaggerating. I am so not. I dare you to ask him, “What do you believe in?” He will either answer “my bike” or “beer.”)
I value creativity. I write. I read. I solve problems. If I could not do these things on a daily basis, life would become boring, tedious and torturous.
My husband only reads when he’s in the bathroom. I wouldn’t say that he thinks creativity is a bad thing, but he doesn’t value it. He doesn’t need to have it in his life in order to be happy. Risk taking, on the other hand, is something he values. He is a thrill seeker. He loves pushing the limits. Danger makes him feel alive.
Danger makes me want to hide under my bed.
Even with parenting, our values are not the same. He values being a disciplinarian and having a child who does what she is told. Although I am not necessarily against having a child who does what she’s told (hey, makes my life easier), I’m more of a teacher. I like to set up situations that allow my child to grow.
We’re different.
I’m guessing you and your spouse are, too. Maybe you are religious and your spouse is not. Maybe you are a health food fanatic and your spouse is a cheese doodle fanatic. Maybe you are into athletics and your spouse is into the La-Z-Boy.
All of this is fine as long as you can both respect your differences. Problems arise when you assume that you have values and your spouse does not. You both have values. You just don’t share the same ones.
If you allow yourself to believe that your spouse’s values are just as important to him as your values are to you, then you can navigate your differences and solve problems over time.
These are the things I remind myself whenever our values conflict:
- He is just as entitled to his values as I am entitled to mine.
- I do not need him to share my values in order for me to feel okay about myself.
- I do not need him to believe in my values in order for me to believe in my values.
I realize that this is not easy. For instance, my husband insists that we toss food remnants in the trash rather than composting them. He has his reasons, but those reasons conflict with my value to improve the environment. Every time I scrape food into the trashcan, it hurts.
But I have to remind myself of a few things. First, my husband rides his bike nearly everywhere rather than driving a car. That’s good for the planet.
Second, there’s a way to solve my problem without going behind my husband’s back and burying the food in the backyard somewhere. It’s this: I can only cook foods that I know we can all eat. That way, there are no leftovers that need to be tossed. I can also experiment with eating every part of every food. For instance, did you know that you can eat the skin of a kiwi fruit? That’s right. It’s perfectly edible. I’ve tried it.
As for the rest? My dog is usually happy to eat it.
Figuring out this solution allowed me to use my creative muscle. So, in a way, my husband did me a favor by telling me that I couldn’t compost.
It’s my belief that most value conflicts can be solved in a similar way.
What are your value conflicts? Let’s talk about them in the comments and see if we can come up with creative ways to solve them together.
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@ Hopeless Romantic…WOW is right. Thanks for your comments. I think we must be twins. I don’t think you were harsh at all. You probably said what a lot think but as you say in today’s world, it is not P C to say it. I have known a few men who also had affairs & the common theme seems to be their “right to be happy”. They justify it with “my wife doesn’t like sex, treats me bad, is mean” etc. etc. Also in every case they leave devastated wife’s, husbands & families in their wake. Usually the “other woman” was married as well.
Since I am a sole caregiver to my beloved I have had many tell me that I should just leave her after all I am not “getting anything out of it” & “I have the right to be happy”. I guess it is a sad statement on today’s society. You would think that would never be said to me by a female as they could see from my beloved’s point of view. But believe it or not 90% of the people who say that too me ARE female.
I just tell them that I get a LOT out of it. Like knowing I honor my vows. Like knowing I am just doing the right thing. Lastly like knowing she may be very sick but she is still a wonderful woman who deserves the best hubby I can be. Yea I mess up sometimes like anybody but I thank the good Lord everyday that he entrusted me with my beloved’s care & put this wonderful woman in my life.
Would you believe my own comment made me cry?…HA!!! I am SUCH a sentimental old sap.
It did make me realize that we have one very important value we share. That marriage really is a LIFELONG commitment. That it is worth putting in effort to stay close through the good times & the bad.
@ Andi It sounds like you & the hubby have a strong foundation. I see so many couples who are (for lack of a better term) political opposites. One more conservative, one more liberal etc. But hey if Mary Matlin & James Carvelle haven’t killed each other yet then I guess anybody can make it lol.
@ Marrisa. I think one of the most common disagreements couples have is on child rearing. Something that might help is for both sides to realize that while there are definatly some wrong ways to raise children there are probably also MANY right ways. Your children will probably benefit from seeing BOTH sides of issues. It is human nature to think that our way of doing anything, be it children or just washing the dishes is the only right way. Truth is it is just another way & both will get the job done. When my step daughter was with us I was a much stronger disciplinarian than my beloved. But we ended up seeing the value that each style brought to the table. Sometimes her lighter way was the answer to a problem & for some it required the hammer to be dropped on her. The trick is to not let the child start playing one side against the other. Kids (especially teens lol) can get really good at it.
Drummer Guy, you know I am a fan of your love affair but you couldn’t have said it right. I think our society did lose some of it’s humanity when the catch phrase of the day became “Look out for #1″. My children love their step father, and he is such a good man in so many ways. We have an issue between him and I as husband and wife that we somehow need to resolve or find peace in and I just am not ready to throw in the towel. I love that Hopeless Romantic points out that if they are “good men” we need to hold on and ride out the storm. Who knows there may be a rainbow at the end.
I said it before but I can’t picture the last time I kissed Ray being the last time I kiss Ray. We need to work it out somehow.
Marissa- If Ray would hold me, put his arms around me, kiss me more often I think I would be ok with that. I hat the idea that I have to breakdown to get my husband to make love to me but he was so badly abused as a child that he doesn’t think of touching as a comfort to anyone. For me it is literally everything. We are in counseling and I am hoping that will help, his reaction was drummed into him and it will take a while to feel safe giving me intimacy.
Hey, It is 4:30 here and we made through another day and today wasn’t as bad as yesterday for me so I will be glad in that for now.
but until then I will continue to acknowledge the loving things he does for me and try to treat him with the utmost kindness.
Drummer Guy- I meant you couldn’t have said it MORE right.
Very good point , especially when Ray was helping me raise my three children. Our three children actually because even though he got them at 10, 7 and 5 years of age , he was a good father to them and while he was strict, they knew he had their backs and would always be there for them. They had there birth father involved in their lives and they love him but as they would say “Ray” was daddy, “Duncan” was their father. We had lots of arguemnets about the kids, unfortunately some in front of them, but they are now 30, 26 and 22 year olds now and they survived, love us both and will make wonderful parents themselves someday (hopefully soon).
In the moment it all seem so important but in the end it all comes out in the wash and it really wasn’t that big a deal. There were times I would say, “If it was up to me we would do this, but daddy really thinks it should be done this way and I think we should go with it.” It isn’t a big deal that you disagree (Unless it is something really serious) but it is important that the children pick up on a sense of teamwork between you and mutual respect and support.
@ Jaonne. I got it. I did read it twice though. I get confused easily…lol
Hope you had a good day & will have a GREAT tomorrow. You & Ray are still in my beloved’s & my thoughts & prayers.
I’m so glad I subscribed to this post so I could keep up on this fabulous conversation that’s been unfolding.
Joanne – I too amd rooting for you and Ray. It’s so hard to see things from another’s perspective, even if it’s the exact thing you want to do to prove to that person how much he/she means to you. We all have good intentions, but it’s so hard to see outside of our own perspective sometimes. I hope you two can figure out a way to meet in the middle… and that Ray works through the scars that his abusive past have undoubtedly left.
Hopeless Romantic and others… the discussion point of “I deserve to be happy” is interesting to me. Everyone deserves to be happy – this is without a doubt a very true sentiment. The thing that I think confuses many people… they think happiness comes from external sources. Other people don’t make you happy. Food doesn’t make you happy (well, maybe momentarily
). Clothes, money, possessions, TV shows, music… those things can make you feel happy, sure. But true happiness in terms of being content and at peace comes from within. No one can make you happy. Sure, people can enhance your life and make being happy easier. But no one person can fulfill your every need/want/desire… some of those things need to come from within.
I learned this prior to my wedding when I freaked out because I didn’t know if my now husband made me happy. Know what? I just wasn’t happy. I had all these unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be instead of looking inward to find a new perspective and happiness from myself. Sure, when I get in a pissy mood, I find myself doing what Alisa has explained on here… I blame my husband on everything, whether he was involved or not (it is always his fault that my hair doesn’t look good or I spill something on my pants, right?). Perspective is a funny thing, isn’t it?
@ Natalie I couldn’t have said it better myself. I WAS looking for my happiness in my husband & like you I discovered that true happiness comes from within. I wish I had realized this before I gave up a good man. I would have ended up happy & still had a intact family. In my case I thought I would be happy by eliminating somebody in my life, my ex. Not literally as they put people in jail for that..lol. I looked everywhere but within for happyness & made everybody around me miserable. I do disagree with you on one thing. Food can make you happy if it is CHOCOLATE…..LOL. Extremely interesting discussion on this blog. I am glad I found it today. If you comment on older post do people still discuss those?
Hopeless Romantic- Yes, if we checked the box on the bottom we will see if you post to an older topic so have fun. We will need some conversation to keep us going until Alisa is back to the blog again.
Boy do we miss her insights, you will really enjoy some of the subjects she brings up. They resonate with all of us in some way or another.
Thanks Joane & Ray. I have been reading some of the older post & REALLY enjoying them. So many interesting topics & discussions. Being single I have plenty of time on my hands. Maybe I can live vicariously through others…..LOL
Hey Joanne. I know you probably don’t check this much in the evening but when you get time could you post the name of the book you talked about with the different types of expressing love. Sounds like an interesting read. I wonder if cooking is one? I made my beloved her favorite tonight & she really appreciates when I can do those things. My motives are not fully just for her. I actually enjoy cooking & even better EATING!!!…LOL Tomorrow evening I am making a CAKE!!!! Are there any better words in the English Language than cake or pie? Still I manage to keep that boyish figure..LOL. If you believe that one I have some water front property in Florida…HA
No hurry as I probably won’t be buying it until next month. My beloved has had some HUGE medicals this month so I am watching the o’le budget 
So interesting and pertinent to so many types of relationships, really. Spouse to spouse, parent to child, even friend to friend.
.-= Meredith´s last blog ..The 5-Question [Author] Interview: Aimee Bender =-.
@drummer guy – the book is called The Five Love Languages. its by Gary Chapman!(http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)
Thoughtful post, as always, Alissa. Not surprisingly it has sparked a lively back and forth. Whether or not we share values and how we handle differences is a subject many of us have struggled with over the years — and not just in spousal relationships, as Meredith notes above. Compromise, kindness, and compassion all come into play with this challenge.
.-= sarah henry´s last blog ..5 Meatless Meals Anyone Could Whip Up on Monday =-.
Drummer Guy- I’m glad Marissa got you the info, it is an easy read but really interesting, I think Bern has referenced it too in one of his posts.
Sarah Henry- I totally agree about the compromise, kindness and compassion but I think we need to add forgiveness also. Especially when we have been unintentionally hurt.
By the way drummer guy your enthusiasm for making a cake is astounding! So far I’ve gone from 225 lbs. to 180 lbs. so cake is out for me for now.
Thanks Marrisa. I’ll check that book out next month. @ Joanne. My enthusiasm is about EATING the cake..lol But I always have to give half of it away. My beloved is diabetic from her Liver not functioning properly. She is not insulin dependant so she can have some. As for me I got back to my ideal weight a few years ago & want to keep it that way..lol So my neighbors love when I make a cake
@ Sarah Henry. I just found your blog connection. Thanks for posting the recipies. Since my beloved is ill I am the chief cook around here & am always looking for new dishes to make. Glad I discovered it.
Drummer Guy- I know with my mom’s stage 4 liver disease she can’t eat alot of raw vegetables and also some fruits are off her list, how about beloveds?
Actually she can eat most things. The low sugar stuff is because the Liver has effected the Pancrease causing blood suger to go on a roller coaster ride. She loves fruit & can handle that well. I buy it depending on the price. When it goes down I stock up. But most things she does okay with. If she is going through a bad flare up she eats pretty bland but other than that she can have a pretty normal diet.
I was reading over all the comments on ‘I have a right to be happy” & found them very interesting. Natalie made a great point in that we need to look inward to find true happiness. I also totally get what Hopeless Romantic was saying. I agree that sometimes that mantra can be misused to justify bad choices. Yes we should strive for happiness but I love the way she put it “not at the expense of others”
There are times when our own happiness has to take a back seat for the greater good. In my case, when my beloved became so ill, my personal happiness became secondary to caring for her. There are times when being a sole provider & caregiver can make your life miserable through exhaustion, financial pressures etc. Still I don’t regret it & can find joy in other things. I play music once a week at band practice along with the shows we do & I play for my church. I get great joy in this. It is about the only hobby I have left due to time & the financial strain of all the medical cost & lost income. Still I wouldn’t trade my life for anything but if it comes down to my happiness or have to care for my beloved I will choose the latter every time. Interesting discussion
Drummer Guy… you are an amazing person and put into words so well what you think/feel regarding love, marriage, and your own personal situation. Thank you for being so candid and honest about it all.
These blogs just get better and better – I’m so glad I stumbled upon them!
Drummer Guy – you were right on the money with your first post on this topic – there is a HUGE difference between core values and superficial values. In my view core values are the real deal-breakers, i.e. honesty, integrity, fidelity, respect for others (and there are more that have varying degrees of importance to different people, like religeous views, etc), and the biggie for me is COMMITMENT. If you are committed (and I mean really committed) to making a marriage work (and there are no destructive elements like violence, infidelity, dishonesty, etc), then you CAN make it work. All the rest (like sports, hobbies, tv viewing, music, etc, etc are just superficial, and to me anyway and a bit of spice and variety to life – after all, I think the world would be a boring place if we were all the same!
Hopeless Romantic – thanks for your excellent perspective. It really gives me a great insight into what I believe was going on in my former wifes mind when she decided to leave and end the marriage. She’s very emotionally immature and so it was easy to blame me for her unhappiness and that ditching me would make her life better. her behaviour since then would indicate that she has found that life isn’t like what’s portrayed in the movies.
Natalie – I think your insights are a great follow on from Hopeless Romantics. So many people today are looking for happiness externally (like my former wife, as mentioned above), but I came across a great article once my marriage ended that had as it’s central theme the headline NO-ONE ELSE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. It went on to explain that we alone are responsible for our own happiness, and if you think your partner, children, family friends, or material things are going to make you truely happy then you will always be unfulfilled and never find that happiness.
Joanne – I truely hope you and Ray can figure your relationship out, and both look within yourselves for true happiness. I’m sure, just like everyone else, you have your faults (I know I have plenty!), but I hope you can both look past these and find the good in each other. I can see you’re really trying, and hope you find that thing that will help you come out the other side. Re the book – “The Five Love Languages” – I haven’t read it, but I have read a summary of it, and it seems really good and give a great insight into our partners thoughts and feelings. I would also recommend a book by Harville Hendrix “Receiving Love” which covers much the same issue.
Blessings to you all!
Thanks Natalie. I don’t know about being all that amazing..LOL My values & commitment are due in large part to my faith. I do my best to live by what the Bible teaches in dealing with others. Believe me I fall short at times like anybody.
A lot of my values have been a growth process over the years. There was a time when I was much more self centered. But I also had a wonderful example to model in my parents. My Father always put his family ahead of his own wants & desires. That gave him a happy life. The last 10 or so years of his life he suffered a series of small strokes, leading to dementia. So my mother had to put aside all her personal wants & desires to care for him. She had looked forward to retirement & travel & had to put all that on hold. They modeled for me what self sacrificial love is all about. It is a long journey in which I will always stumble & struggle.
Whoa! 73 comments?! I am DEFINITELY not reading all of that… :/
You feed your dog people food?! I might have to stop reading your blog because of our value differences.
I imagine having different religious/spiritual values/priorities as tremendously challenging. Kudos to the couples who make it work.
I am uptight and particular about most things while my husband is relaxed and non-specific. I think everything in a room has a place where it should remain at all times. My husband is a musician who likes to spread out and move things when he is creating music. I don’t like things to spread out because they infringe on order and placement. So when we are finally in a shared space, we will reconcile this by having a room that will serve as his studio.
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