What follows are my beliefs about writing about marriage, talking about marriage, and being in a marriage. There are probably many people who do not share these beliefs. That’s okay. They can start their own marriage blogs if they want. It’s a free Internet. If you are here and you are participating in the community, though, this is what ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com is about.
- No matter how bad your marriage, you can do something. The something that you do might not save your marriage, but it may very well save you.
- The only person who can judge your marriage is you. At Project: Happily Ever After, we do not judge the marriages of others. Saving our own marriages takes enough work as it is.
- No marriage expert has a secret formula that can save your marriage, keep your spouse from ever cheating, or cause your spouse to love you again. Anyone who claims to have such a fail proof formula is a charlatan who wants your money more than he or she wants to save your marriage.
- We do not need to share the same opinions, values or beliefs in order to be able to support one another in our quests to save our marriages.
- Project: Happily Ever After is a safe and nurturing community of believers. We believe in trying everything to save our marriages and in sharing what we’ve tried (both successfully and unsuccessfully) with others so they may learn from our experiences. We do not believe there is a right or a wrong way to save a marriage.
- Not everything you try will work. One failed technique, however, does not make a failed marriage.
- We nurture whatever choices our community members make, even if we would not personally make those choices for ourselves.
- We support the members of our community even if their marriages do not survive.
- A bad marriage is nothing to be ashamed of. The more we talk about our marriages, the less ashamed we will feel and the less stigma others will place on bad marriages. This applies to all stigmas—from depression to sexual abuse to the sensation that one is a bad parent. This is place where you can talk openly about your shame, so you may shed it and feel whole again.
- There is no such thing as an ideal marriage. We do not strive for ideal. We do not believe there is a magic number of times you should have sex each week or a specific number of arguments that you should try to never go over. Here, we strive for happy, whatever that means for each of us.
- A marriage is always a work in progress. You can always do something to make your marriage better.
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{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
Sabrina LIKES this.
and i HEART this site
My wife is no longer interested in being married to me. I have tried to talk to her. tried to get her to go to counseling, and Ive bought her books that I think she would like. She wont tell me why. She just says she is not interested in being married and I can leave if Im not happy with the situation. I printed off the relationship rules booklet and gave it to her. She says that things like that are for people that still want to save their marriages. I have never had an affair. Dont have a drug or alcohol problem. I am not physically abusive or any other of the terrible things that would be good reasons for her to not be with me. I want to be her husband again, I just dont know what to do!
Bravo, this is fantastic and I love it. Everyone should have a copy of this taped to their fridge…or their bed!
Andi´s last [type] ..Not quite Wordless Wednesday 67
MH–I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. There’s not a lot you can do. It’s so difficult to change the mind of another human being. Just know that we all support you and feel for you.
MH- My heart goes out to you but know that you have found a supportive group to discuss your feelings about your situation with. My marriage is an ongoing struggle and I have found a great deal of comfort just talking about it here. In many ways it has kept me going through some very dark times just knowing I could unload it with people who were willing to listen and give advice.
In this hard time the only thing I can advise is that when you just don’t know what to do, don’t do anything dramatic or life altering. Sometimes it is best to wait until a clear path shows itself. In the meantime let her know how you feel and please remember to take care of you.
You’re right…sometimes the harder things in life, the ones that matter the most just need a little time. I just want to be sure if the best thing for my family is a divorce. I gues the fact that I’m not 100% sure is enough reason to give it a little more time. I would love to see a clear path…no matter what that might bring.
Hopeless Romantic- Congrats on winning, you were a big help to me this month in keeping my spirits up and not doing anything rash.
#1–RIGHT ON!!! I love the “saving you” emphasis. It really is difficult to “save” something else if you can’t save yourself first!
#2–”saving our own marriages is enough work”–absolutely agree!
@MH: There is not a lot you can do, Alisa is totally right. Unfortunately, when one or more persons has unilaterally decided that a marriage is over, it usually is. If you’ve showed her books, printed stuff from this website and so on, and she’s still not interested, I’m afraid you’ll just have to accept that. And truthfully, you deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you–who WANTS to work it out. And remember, you may not save your marriage, but as Alisa brilliantly pointed out in #1, you CAN always save yourself! Marriage, divorce and life in general is one great big growth process where we can always learn something new–it’s not easy, and at times, it’s downright maddening. But, it is what it is. I wish you all the best, please feel free to come back on here and vent–this really is a great community where we all feel a little less left of center and a lot more normal! You are in my prayers!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I approve of your manifesto but more importantly I am stealing your idea.
MH – I am very sorry about your situation. While I think most people would agree that a divorce is not ideal you can come out of it stronger and wiser. You will need time to heal and decide what path is right for you to take next, but you will come out of this okay.
Tracy´s last [type] ..Saturday Night Link Up
Positive vibes literally blasting from my computer screen when I pulled up your site today.
MH – It will get better, but probably not for a while. Tracy is right that the hardship of divorce can make you a stronger person.
A good post and reminder that we are all different.
MH – I think I have some understanding where you’re at as from your post I can see great similarities in what happened to me. My wife decided she didn’t want to be married, didn’t want to discuss it, didn’t think we should have counselling, didn’t want to even try. I’ve learnt over the last 2 and a bit years that it’s really not about you, it’s about themselves. We all have to learn that no-one else is responsible for our happiness, we need to take responsibility for it ourselves. The problem is, many people do hold the ones closest to them responsible for their happiness, and of course the tragedy is they find that ditching their partner does not make it any better long-term. In fact it makes it worse, as wherever they go and whatever they do, they still take themselves with them, and all their problems they thought were because of you resurface down the track. ‘Hopeless Romantic’ wrote a fantastic piece about this in a previous blog a month or so back, so HR, if you’re reading this you might like to repeat it here as it will give MH a valuable insight into what’s happening in his wife’s head.
What can you do? Well, my experience was to take care of myself, and resolve to be happy regardless of what happened with my marriage. I tried to look at everything in the most positive way possible, started exercising/walking again, reconnected with friends, worked at being a better parent (but not a pushover!), so in short, worked on MYSELF. From a practical perspective once I had to move out of the family home I also took steps to get all the financial and legal stuff decided and seperated as quickly as possible – also found this quite cathartic. It was heart-breaking to do it, but getting this done quickly achieved 2 things; 1 – it sent the message (to both her and myself!) that I was accepting the decision and decisively moving on, and 2 – meant she had no hold over me to use as leverage later on. This is important, because if they have reached this irrational decision for no rational reason, then going forward you can have no expectation of rational and reasonable behaviour, so you need to protect yourself and any children.
So, it’s a terrible situation that no-one should have to go through, but the first step is to resolve to yourself that you will be happy no matter what happens. Ultimately you can’t make anyone do anything and there really is no point trying, so you need to look after yourself and your children first and foremost.
All the best to you.
Thank you BERN, i can see ow that my recent breakup wasnt all me. I wanted to save it, he doesnt. nothing I can do. he will take those problems he had with me and his other ex’s and repeat them. but i can take the mistakes I made and learn new skills form them and learn to not repeat them. I can move on and grow. thank you for a wonderful post!
Amie´s last [type] ..Passive Aggressive? Or Expressing LOVE?
Alisa,
I just noticed your R w/ a circle around it after “Project Happily Ever After” CONGRATS! That’s wonderful!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Alisa congrats at your little r with the circle!
I really enjoy coming here and feeling a connectioin with the other members.
@MH like everyone said we are here to support you.
@Bern what great advice you gave.
Elisa_Croatia´s last [type] ..The Students Art Gallery
I so agree with Andi, in fact after I said hello to everyone, I was going to print off a copy and put up next to my desk.
Bern – Great advice to MH.
MH – To add a bit to Bern, I actually started seeing a counselor myself. I thought things were hopeless since I know I can’t change someone else. Once I started to make some changes to myself that felt better for me, my husband has started to slowly come around. I don’t know if we are going to make it either. But I’m not going to do down with the ship.
This goes along with what Bern was saying, look after yourself. Make yourself happy and there is a fine line between the selfish happy of sitting around eating bon-bons all day and being happy enough so you are not miserable and making everyone in the house miserable.
Hang in there!
Sue
Bern–your comments are simply wonderful, and I think a lot of people could learn from them. Since not everyone clicks through and reads the comments section, I want to nudge you to think about letting me use them in a full post. Think about it. No pressure. Let me know.
Alisa Bowman´s last [type] ..The Project- Happily Ever After® Manifesto
Alisa, your words are honest, powerful, and true. You make people realize they are not alone, whether they are able to save their marriages/relationships or not. I believe so many of us were raised to think that marriage is either “meant to be” or it’s not–no real “work” should be involved if you “truly love” your partner. Ha! I have learned this could not be further from the truth, and while I am married and consider my partner to be one of my best friends, we have–and continue to have–many obstacles to negotiate along our path together. This is life. There is no one magic answer–lots of work, trial and error, and your excellent exercises are all part of the journey, I believe. Therapy is also essential for many, as I have learned.
Thank you for making it OKAY to have issues and to work hard to try to resolve them. Discussing these things openly should not be taboo or mean that two people should not be married, simply b/c it isn’t all romance and fun 24/7!
MH, my heart goes out to you. My husband left me and my daughter about 3 months ago and I am still trying to pick up the pieces of my life and this website has helped tremendously. With my daughter involved, things continue to be difficult and tenuous, but I am making it through with the support of my friends and family, and ofcourse this website daily and the comments that gives me the strength to handle the struggles ahead of me.
I am one of the people having trouble getting on to the blog for a couple days so my comments are a little late but I wanted to say Bern , you gave some wonderful advice. I want to concur with Sue, that while Ray and I are still in crisis ourselves I have been taking care of myself and this has made Ray sit up and take notice and while small, at least some responsibility for how we are doing as a couple. I got so depressed that i almost gave up just going through the motions of life. When it finally sank in that my marriage was more than likely over I had to examine what I was going to do going further. It was then that I took stock of MYSELF, lost 55 pounds so far, became more active, started to enjoy my own hobbies and interests and got some much needed counseling. That was 1 1/2 years ago already and I am still married and working hard on it. Ray is going to counseling with me and every so often I see rays of hope shining in what was supposed to be done and over.
I am still working on me separate from Ray. I read the books, irregardless of whether he does or not, I have started to do meditation and have developed friendships and support (like this website) and I don’t feel so alone or like such a freak anymore.Ray in turn sees the difference and knows he is welcome to join me anytime. Now he does, many of my friends are now his friends and have been very welcoming to him.
Joanne,
Thanks so much for sharing about what life can look like after 1.5 years of working hard. I’m only about 3 months into my “save this marriage” campaign and I’m seeing some astounding results. But there are days when it feels like we have taken giant strides backwards. It is nice to think that in 1.5 years we (or at least I) will most likely be in a better place and that the work is going to be worth it.
And I will point out, that my husband hasn’t joined me in counseling yet. He knows it is an option if he so chooses. But at this point, I think it is good for him to know I’m not about trying to change him.
Great list, Alisa. I did have a few smart A$$ comments on a few of them – since I’m in a sassy mood today. (Went out with a girlfriend last night – something I never do when hubby is home or even if he’s not home.)
Please read all of my smart A$$ comments with humor. I do not literally mean any of these things.
#5 – the wrong way to save your marriage – shooting your spouse, never works.
(that’s the only smarty pants comment I can remember)
Love the list. We are all here for guidance, not judgment. I hate judgment from others.
I haven’t had trouble getting here. But I don’t find out about new blogs until many, many hours after it’s been posted.
Kathy: Don’t feel bad. At one point a couple years ago after much wine, my girlfriends and I wrote a list ” 101 Uses for a Dead Husband”.LOL I still have it. I am such a Jersey Shore Girls that use# 53 was as a boat anchor. #42 was a bug shield for my 87 Ranger.
Joanne, Thank you for the laugh. Those are great ideas.
I needed a laugh, I just had to fire my housekeepers and I hate having to fire people. But I hate more paying someone for a job I could do better.
JOanne and Kathy–I think those should go on an official PHEA T-shirt.
Hi Alisa, thanks for your feedback, and I’m more than happy for you to use my contribution in a full post if you’d like too. Seperation and divorce is such a shitty thing for anyone to go through, and if my experience can help anyone else put some perspective on it in some small way that’s a good thing. I also do hope that Drummer Guy and Hopeless Romantic give their thoughts as they have similar experiences and could definitely add to the discussion. I agree with an earlier comment made by Kathy – we aren’t here to judge, just offer support, and I see that in all the blogs and comments.
So everyone – let’s keep contributing!!!
Wow Alisa, I missed so many GREAT post after you started writing again. See what I get for not checking?…LOL Loved this. During your hiatus I checked out a couple of sites that are so based on the me, me, me & just dump them & run philosophy. I so apppreciate a site that is about making it work if there is any glimmer of hope. PHEA is such a real breath of fresh air. YOU ROCK as always
I am with Drummer Guy. I didn’t know you started writing again & didn’t check. Silly me. & I won something? Guess I better check my email. I was also on vacation for a while with my kids & haven’t checked in a while. But we had a great trip to FL. I shared some of what I learned here & they are finally starting to forgive the mistakes I made in the past. I think once they saw how I really am happy for their dad healing began to occur. Thanks everybody for the encouragement. I am SO GLAD to see phea up and running again. It will take me hours to catch back up (I have read some other god ones too today) & provide me with much enjoyment doing so.
Your manifesto is the reason you have so many readers. You invite us in and encourage us to make this a place where we can share, learn, and grow. You facilitate that by being the first one to step up to the scary plate and take a swing at the fast ball that is disclosure. You do it gracefully, comically, and courageously. We all admire you for it, and we appreciate what you do for all of us.
OMG! Alisa, I just happend to be sitting in front of the TV about to turn it when I heard you talking on “Let’s Talk Live” today and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Although I have never wished my husband dead, I have tried to figure out how I could blink my eyes and make myself disappear! After relating to so much that you said, I came to your site. I don’t know if any of you believe in divine intervention nor does it matter but I do and me seeing you and locating this site they way I did increases my faith even more. I read your manifesto and immediately knew this is where I need to be.
Great advice and encouragement from you ALL!
I am actually excited tone able to share with other people who are in or have been in like situations. I am only a year and 5 months into my marriage and over the last year I have spent more time thinking about getting out than how to make it work. I, unlike most of the posts I’ve read appear to be the cause of my marriage being in a state of disarray. I have major problems communicating with my husband and don’t know why or how to even have a simple conversation with him. He seems to think that I have some unresolved issues from my past that I can’t even put a finger on. That makes it that much more frustrating for both of us but especially me. He is fed up and said just today that if I don’t get it together within the next couple of months that there is no reason for us to stay married.
I haven’t gone any further on the site yet but I will look for tools to help me and look forward to hearing from all of you as well. HELP please!!!!!!!
DIP–I’m glad you caught the show and that you found the site. You are so welcome here. I’m sure you will enjoy meeting others and get a lot out of the support. Thanks for coming.
I am contemplating ending my marriage after only being married for a little over a year. We had problems before getting married that we both agreed that we would work on while we were married, which was a huge mistake. I actually thought that getting married would solve some of our problems. He’s the big talker and very emotional, and I’m more quiet and reserved. However, when I tell him about how I feel I don’t feel heard or valued. We’re not intimate with each other, and I dred even thinking about it. I don’t like hearing his voice. We have issues with communication, children, and money. If it weren’t for me not being financially able, I would probably be gone already. Eventhough he works, I pay the bulk of the bills. I just recently found that he spent the over $6000 I thought we had in savings. I tired of being in a marriage where I feel dumped own and unappreciated, and am at a loss about what to do. I have four children from a previous relationship (3 are still living at home), and I don’t want to up root them with no place to go.
Just reading through the previous posts. Have been married over 22 years and there have been the ups and downs, children from my husbands 1st marriage, 3 children of our own, failed businesses etc. Less than a year ago my husband started playing poker several nights a week and is now not living at home at all. I am not sure where this came from, I am relying on my faith that this will turn around but am having trouble understanding how someone can walk away from their family for poker. He tried counseling but I think he has stopped. His communication is off and on and I am not sure what to do. I have been a stay at home mom all of our marriage and I am not sure if I am dealing with his mid-life crisis, a mental illness or if I should see the writing on the wall. He will not attend church with me or counseling at this point. It is as though he is in some kind of denial about commitment and responsibility to just walk away and leave me to deal.
My husband an I have been fighting for two days now and he has already said he wants a divorce. I lied five years ago about one of my x’s when he asked question… I didn’t want to tell him the truth because we had just started dating and now we’re married and have a child together. I truely love him with all my heart and don’t wanna lose him. He kept asking me about that one x so I finally told him the truth and now I don’t know how to make this up to him or even how to talk him into trying to make our marriage and relationship work out..please someone give me some kind of advice to try and fix this…I’m begging for help right now
Angie & TG,
Learning how to communicate with each other is the key. Easier said than done I know! There is a program out there called Retrouvaille (www.retrouvaille.org/) (which helped my wife and I tremendously. Before attending, she was getting ready to move out and rent an apartment and I was thinking that it was probably a good thing that she was.
The weekend changed our lives as a couple. My realization that weekend was that I couldn’t change her, I could only change myself, so I dedicated myself to that. My sweetie came to the same conclusion and we have been working on it ever since. The program focuses on communicating with each other through short dialogues. Its a great tool that builds connections and rebuilds trust.
Note that the program was developed by volunteers in the Catholic Church. You don’t have to be religious to attend though, I am an athiest myself. Anyone can get great benefit from it, but if you have an axe to grind with the church, it might get in the way.
Retrouvaille is entirely run by an amazing group of volunteers all the way up to the international level. At the end of the weekend you decide as a couple what to give in payment. For some folks who are poor that means nothing or a commitment to pay down the road.
It’s not a be all and life is suddenly magic and cupcakes, but it might seem like it. You have to stick with it though on a daily basis and keep communicating. Although Retrouvaille wouldn’t say it, my opinion, is that some marraiges are too flawed to work, but even many of the most damaged can be salvaged, and not just so we live as roomates, but actually lives made joyful again. I have seen divorced couples get remarried, separated couples become reunited and couples with infidelity find a way to trust again. If drugs, alcholoism, other addictions or mental health issues are significant, work on those first.
My wife and I still have our ups and downs, but now we share our problems and work on them together. Much joy and love is back in our lives. Most importantly our three children, are living with two loving parents who care for each other and provide a role model for them to live their lives by.
Good luck
My marriage is in a big black spiraling hole. This past weekend I was online checking out our phone bill and I noticed our texts had gone through the roof. I found a number in there I did not recognize and saw that person was texting my husband up to 70 times a day and that is very suspicious , beginning at 7 in the morning and ending at 12 midnight. I found out that it was a girl and I had no idea this was going on but I did notice how he was very secretive with his phone. I confronted him about it and he said they were friends and he hid it because he didn’t want me to get hurt or mad. This had been going on for 3 weeks and I stumbled onto it without even trying to find anything. The situation escalated to a point where I told him either he can continue to talk to this girl every minute of the day or he can pick his wife and he refused. I don’t feel I am in the wrong for feeling betrayed and heartbroken. I asked him to stop talking to her because it seemed like something more then a friend relationship was going on but he refused. Its at a point where now he is defending her and picking her over me. I don’t know what to do. He mentioned divorce and separation unless I continue to let him talk to her and if I let him have single girls as friends. He went behind my back to talk to her every minute of every day and he wants me to trust him, is it me or is he trying to make a fool of me?
He is manipulating you. I have dealt with the same issues with my husband. He is trying to turn the tables and shift the blame. If he feels it’s okay to hide the fact that he is talking to another woman, there is a problem. It’s not that you are asking a lot, it’s that he wants the best of both worlds. That doesn’t work in a marriage. You really need to stand up for yourself and call his bluff. Make it clear that you will not allow him to turn this around on you, and that he is the one who betrayed you, not the other way around. Most importantly, you will not tolerate his BS. If he can’t make the decision, maybe you should consider what would be best for you. I’m not sure if you have kids, but I know that having a child makes it difficult. Regardless, in marriage, a promise has been made that the two of you to spend your lives together as a couple and no one else. Good luck.
I just want to say WOW. What a wonderful POSTIVE site! I cannot tell you how this site has comforted me. I am 38 yrs old and have been married only 8 yrs but have been having major doubts about my marriage over the past 2 yrs. We have 2 small children. Some of my major doubts have even drove me to bark on an “almost affair”. I too suffer from the “we have NOTHING in common” syndrome. But after reading your other post, I feel comforted that I am not alone in being extremely frustrated with a spouse who doesnt want to share in any of my interests and yet expects me to want to be interested in his. So much more to it, but at this time its just too much to get into. I just wanted to say how I LOVE your site and I will be coming back over and over again!
@Mili…..Your husband is lieing to you. He is looking for a way to as AK stated “:have the best of both worlds” which can and most likely WILL lead to an affair. There is NO REASON in the WORLD for woman/girl to be texting your husband at 7am til 12 midnight unless there is MORE then a friendship going on here. She is kissing him good morning and goodnite. Its as simple as that. I’m sorry if this upsets you, but from my own experience, i’m pretty sure thats whats going on here. Stand up for yourself, DEMAND that this ENDS NOW or its over. And stick to your guns. KICK HIS ASS OUT if he continues. Also, be aware that he can still use mobile applications such as yahoo messger/msn messenger or Blackberry BBM’s to communicate with this girl through his phone and you would never know unless you actually got hold of his phone to see. I guess it depends on how sneaky your husband is. Best of Luck to you, but I hope you will continue to come back for support.
@Bern. You’ve inspired me to start making a better me. Maybe it IS me who isnt happy with just myself and my life in general. I have always been depressed about the weight I’ve gained and I think you may have hit the nail on the head for me to start really doing something about it. YOu give wonderful advice!!!!
@Drummer Guy, I too am glad this site is about staying focused and being postive about working things out, instead of just throwing in the towel for the “selfish ME” syndrome.
Thank you ALL!!!! This site is SOOOOOO comforting for me!!
Alisa, Angel lady. I read your book this spring and while doing so, already liked my husband again. Then, I finished the book, and finished trying to work on things while I read other books like ‘divorce does work!” and “make your kids be good despite your bad marriage”. And so I got stuck again. Yesterday my husband sent me your site and now we are on the same page again! (He found it on his own and thought I would like it, forgeting that I had told him all about you months ago…oops that last comment was a smidge negative…) We have been together 15 years and started drifting after the ten year mark. I have so much work to do on myself but I have instead only put him under the microscope (see negative comment above) I have been studying his flaws so tediously until I turned myself into a real meany, looking only out instead of in. I will now turn the tide around (could use some help from Moses for this one) and get busy working on me. Thank you for bringing us together and giving us a place to start over. We are in serious trouble and I will keep you posted, since you are now my new best friends. Everyone else (why am I talking trash about my husband to anyone?) says ditch the guy. I want the happily ever after!!!
Alisa I’m so happy I’ve found your site when I did. Only moments before I googled how to save my unhappy marriage I was looking at places to rent. Even just after a short read of your chapter 1 and reading the great comments of encouragement I can already feel I can fix my marriage. I will be purchasing your book and I have subscribed to your blog. I know I’m not alone and that’s very comforting, I did not expect to get a good nights sleep tonight but all that has changed. Day 1 tomorrow Of my project happily ever after!!!
SMH: welcome to the site. I hope you find much support, love and help here. You are not alone. Keep up the fight!
I am feeling stuck, my marriage is at a stand still, we had fought for years, and I finally threatened to divorce, but pulled back, wanting one last try, for the years put in, the kids, 11 and 7, and not wanting it to end I guess, well, two months later, she is still mad, and I feel I am in a holding pattern, waiting until she decides and I feel lost, not sure what else to do, I have apologized, told her I want to keep trying, small steps, dates, affection, w/o expectations of sex, but she is unwilling to try anything at this point…I don’t know how long I can wait…
I’ve been in a lot of pain since my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore last January. I love him so much. I’ve been pushing us to work on things but it’s so hard. I found this website yesterday and I can’t stop reading. I’m feeling a bit of hope that everything’s going to be ok no matter what happens.
Becky: I haven’t offered much commentary here in a long time but I understand your pain. The pain of not being ready to say die to someone you love yet not knowing how to make it better. I found this sight during the darkest days of my marriage and the topics , the insights offered by Alisa and everyone else and the non-judgmental help no matter what the problem is will lift you up so read on and take what ideas and solace that you can. I wasn’t ultimately able to save my marriage, many have, but being a part of this group has helped me to grow myself and I have found alot of comfort here. I am sure you will too.
My hopes and prayers are with you.
Becky, Hang in there! For what it is worth, my thoughts and prayers are with you as well. It is interesting to read back through the comments here, including my own . My husband has come to counseling with me a couple of times. We both still have a lot of things to work on and really can’t do that right now without help, but there is hope. If not for your marriage, then certainly for your own growth and happiness. One of the most precious things I have learned in the last year or so is that I am the only one in control of my own happiness.
Marriage without God isn’t good…there is a three way thing going on…even before you say I do…marriage isn’t a party…it is a lifetime together…so don’t marry after knowing someone 10 minutes…I have been told to not love someone too much…or you will loose them…I pray this is wrong…love is Patient and kind…or it is not love…
look how much pain there is on here…so sad…we are not meant to be happy every minute of the day…either…time alone is good for the soul…
After reading many of the posts above I am happy to see so many out there who still value marriage. My wife moved out 6 weeks ago and has already started “dating”. she has expressed her desire to get out of our marriage, and said “she loves me but she’s not in love with me”. We have 3 young children who, regardless of how much we try to make things OK for them, just want things to go back to normal. I am almost certain there is someone else but I am committed to our marriage. I didn’t sign up for the I love you until things suck marriage. I am in it for the long haul. We have been married 15 years and have had the normal ups and downs throughout the years but nothing out of the ordinary until about 2 years ago, I found out she was involved in an affair that started at work. Marriage is hard work and communication is vital. We attended Retrouvaille almost 2 years ago and had a renewal in our relationship that began to fade shortly after we stopped practicing the techniques we learned. We didn’t make time for what should have been our biggest priority. Now trying to undo the mountain of hurts and resentment that have accumulated over the years seems to be to much to ask of my wife. I’ve gotten the ‘too little too late’ speech. I often wonder how I will know its time to move on. Stumbling onto this site is another sign that you never give up on someone you truly love. If she is indeed involved with someone whom I suspect is the same person as before, will she see that the grass isn’t greener or will she be happy playing in the dirt?
Eric and I have been married for 2 years and they have been hell for the both of us. I started the whole relationship off on lies. I was raised to if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all. So I would stretch the truth to save face or try and not to hurt his feelings. Well I eventually came clean about not being honest. It all unraveled after that. I don’t remember much but a lot of tears and yelling. My heart breaks evrytime he calls me names or lords the past over me. I know most people can say he’s not perfect eigther but in actuality he’s damb near close to it. He so honest it hurts. He cares about everything and nothing. He’s hard to predict but takes everything you say and over anilizes it.
MsI’m 22 married for 2 years. When starting off in our relationship we were crazy in love. We would talk all the time about nothing. We would play games and hold hands and talk about what we both whanted from life. I know that me sharing false info with him was wrong and I should have never lied to the man I love. Now that we’ve been married for over 2 years things are down right nasty. He calls me names ,yells, talks about his past, talks about my past, mostly calles. Me.Mean and nasty names..I know it seem I’m putting him on the spot. Ill clerify a few things. I lied, a lot! About big things like my previous relationships. I lied about who I was. I made myself into something I wasn’t so he would be with me. I regret this everyday. I mean he’s a wounderful guy. He provides me with everything I need. He’s honest, strong,and loyal. I love him but I hate his name calling and meaness because I for got to close the baconbits or moved his brush. I cry everytime I lay down next him. I’m not scared he’ll hit me… I’m scared he’ll leave me. I’d literaly be dead right now i.f it were not for my husband. He saved me from a life of drugs, sex, achohol, violence, and depression. I guesse really its all a blessing though. He spoken about divorce many times but has never pulled that trigger. I guess what I’m really whant is a way to let him know he’s always on my mind. He s my only friend in this earth. He’s my rock, my heart. Never mean to make him angry and that I’m so sorry for what I’ve put him through. I’m sorry I’ve hurt him and never made him feel appretiated.I could tell him all of this but he’s not the time that would see it as an appology he’d see it as me being mushy……….help?
Hi Tears for Years,
I was recently in your shoes. I didnt exactly lie to my ex. but i told half truths so he wouldn’t know how bad my situation was. he cared for me, provided for me, moved me to the city and helped me get a job and apartment. basically, he became my rock, someone I love dearly. and now, we are broken up and he refuses to speak to me.
I am not saying this to scare you, but to help you. I made mistakes, big ones., ones that made the situation get there where it was. you really cant convince someone against their will to love you or trust you. or be kind to you. all you can do is lead by example. own up to what you did and say something like “yeah, i did that. it was the past, I am not doing that now” and move on. be kind, be sweet, be loving, be supportive.
But dont try to put your problems on him. Go build you, work on you, get friends, find a best friend to talk things over with, just a listening ear. Find a life coach, go work out, do yoga and meditate. figure out what qualities in you are causing him stress and work on them. give him some space BUT make dates to do things together that get you out of the home and zones that cause you to fight.
and find ways to disarm him when he attacks. I found the books (women men leave and women men love) and (coping with difficult people) excellent for finding strategies for coping with a situation when things get difficult.
if you need someone to talk to, look me up on facebook. I’m no guru like Alisa, but I am sharing what I learn with others while I try to understand what mistakes i made and how to prevent them in the future.
Amie´s last [type] ..Passive Aggressive? Or Expressing LOVE?
The more you apologize or point out his bad behavior, the more he will see you as attacking him. ..instead, you need to back off. find ways to diffuse those anger bombs without apologizing. he really isnt angry about the brush or bacon bits, thats jsut a superficial comment for what is really bothering him. You cant pick at what is bothering him, you have to create the type of environment within yourself and in your relationship where he feels safe coming to you and telling you what is hurting him. You cant force it. become a happy person who loves life and cherishes him and lead by example. find ways to create trust and build trust. show him trust, love, compassion, tenderness… be in yourself who you want from him. he either will or wont turn around. if he does, wonderful.
Amie´s last [type] ..Passive Aggressive? Or Expressing LOVE?
I dont normally share links, I hope Alisa will forgive me.
I find the points made by this married couple who does marriage coaching to be particularly helpful. a lot of the things are spot on. read through their posts on facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/relationshipadvice
and then check out their websites:
http://www.hendricks.com
http://www.therelationshipsolution.com/
http://www.attractinggenuinelove.com
Please note, I an not affiliated with these sites in anyway. I am simply a fellow reader.
Tears for Years – I think Amie has given some good advice. No one else is responsible for your happiness, and Amie is right on the money when she says to work on yourself to make yourself happy (exercise, socialise with friends, find those things that give you true pleasure), because a happier you makes you a far more attractive partner for your significant other. If you can find true happiness internally, that will have a much bigger effect on your husbands attitude toward you than anything else.
Amie and bern: thank you very much I certainly have not taken any time for myself since getting married. I definatly will.
I’m going through something very similar to many of you. My wife has decided that she wants to divorce and has no interest in trying to salvage the relationship. It’s sad and difficult but I just want to thank all of you for showing me that I am far from alone as I work through this challenging part of my life.