At the starting line of my first marathon, I told myself that I would think about the big steak dinner that awaited me once I crossed the finish line. That’s how I planned to motivate myself whenever I wanted to give up.
It seemed like a swell plan, don’t you think? I, for one, thought it was quite genius.
The problem was this: around mile 15, I was so nauseous that the idea of eating anything – and especially a steak – made me want to lie down and die.
Somehow, though, I still was able to overcome intense knee pain, nausea and fatigue and grit out the following 11 miles. I did it by telling myself the following:
If I don’t keep going, I will not be able to show my face at work ever again. (Note: I worked for Runner’s World magazine at the time).
The pain is only temporary. It will be over soon. Two hours from now, I’ll be in my hotel bed watching a movie that is not about running.
Note that I probably should have dropped out of that race. As I later learned, I was suffering from an electrolyte imbalance. For me, the marathon was even more painful than it was for most. Yet I still managed to put one foot in front of the other and get to the end.
I think of that race often when I think about what it takes to persevere through anything hard—including saving a marriage. Of course, it’s not exactly the same. Marital work puts a whole different kind of hurt on you than a marathon does. A marathon only lasts a few hours. A Marriage Project can last months or a year or more. And it’s never truly over. There’s no finish line, no commemorative T-shirt, and no bragging rights.
Still, though, the motivational techniques do translate. I talked my way through my marriage project and various tough marital times just as I talked my way through my marathons. Here are some of the things I’ve told myself.
- This setback is great! Now I have something to blog about!
- This won’t be hard forever. It’s only hard right now. I can get through this.
- Do I want a divorce? Of course not. Then this is the only other option.
- This will make me stronger!
- I’m just really mad right now. In a few hours, I won’t be so mad and then I’ll want him to be my husband again.
- This is hard work, but it’s worth it because I’m becoming a better person as a result.
- Just think of how far I have come! A year ago, I’d be planning his funeral right now. Now I’m just rolling my eyes. Progress!
- We both want the same thing—happiness. We just have two different ideas of how to get there.
- Just last week I was thinking how great he is. I’ll feel that way again, but only if I deal with this in a constructive way.
- If I woman up and confront him right now, then I can have some quality time with my B.O.B. (Alright, I don’t really tell myself this. I just wanted to see if you were all still paying attention. It might not necessarily be a bad idea, though).
- I will never know why he did that unless I ask him about it.
- I’m already miserable. How much worse could doing the right thing make me?
- Just do it. Confront him. Now. Open your mouth and do it.
- I deserve to be happy. Working on my marriage is the only way to get there.
Now, some of those mantras will only work for me and for others who tend to swallow their voices. They might not be universal. I’m thinking, though, that some of you probably have great motivation mantras of your own. Please share them in the comments.
Here are a couple other things I did to motivate myself during the initial four-month marriage project:
I told a few friends that I was working on my marriage. This kept me accountable because I knew they were going to periodically ask me how things were going. I still use this technique whenever I realize that I’m avoiding a task. For instance, I just emailed three of my friends and told them that I was going to ask Jen Lancaster, Dan Millman, and Gloria Steinem to blurb my book. I’ll be conference calling with my accountability team tomorrow, at which point these ladies are going to ask me how it went.
I wrote about my marriage as I worked on it. I’ll be honest. There were times when the idea of publishing a book about my marriage project motivated me more than the idea of saving my marriage. It was a huge carrot. I’m not saying you have to write about your marriage, but you might be able to tie your marriage project to some other goal—one that you care about so much that it will keep you motivated, even when your marital progress does not.
More recently, I’ve motivated myself by taking classes. It would be easy to just stop working on my marriage now, especially since things are pretty good. That’s why I go to my Buddhism class every single week. Each week I get a new teaching and a new lesson. This not only helps me grow as a person, but it also helps me grow in my marriage. Other similar strategies that you might try include meeting with a few friends once a month who are also working on their marriages or signing up for two marriage retreats a year.
How do you stay motivated to keep improving your marriage? Share your advice and strategies with others by leaving a comment.
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Note: I was interviewed about confidence recently. (I have some of that? Who knew?) I thought some of you might be interested in reading what I had to say. Here’s the link.
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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Nuttin to say until I have time to read it. I just needed to check the box.
@Drummer Guy, you are a goof. Said with love.
I wasn’t trying to improve my marriage. It sucked and I knew it. But hubby wasn’t ready to give up. So I kept at my counseling. I was very motivated to improve me. I wrote about my counseling on a message board. In the process of improving me, my marriage got better.
This past weekend, I did have to have a talk with hubby about his attitude. He’d been crabby for four days. Very unlike my hubby to be crabby longer than an hour. Rather than getting into a fight, I just talked to him about how it wasn’t pleasant to be on the other end of his crabby. Of course, well you did this and you did that, came out of his mouth. I didn’t accept that as his answer. That’s what he says when he’s crabby.
A few times he started to raise his voice at me. I wasn’t accepting that either. So I reminded him how I’m “not allowed” to take my crabbies out on him and expect the same treatment. Also, I said I hadn’t raised my voice once while we were talking so he should stop raising his voice at me. Then I got the “well, you’re not getting what I’m saying”. My response was “because I tune you out when you raise your voice, so keep it civil and I’ll do my best to understand you”.
We fixed that problem in record time – 15 minutes. Yippee!!!!
Here’s how I stayed motivated – I’ve worked too hard on my improvement and gotten our marriage better to let my hubby’s crabbies get in the way. And I know the only way to deal with my hubby is thru a nice calm conversation. So, that’s what I did and it worked wonders.
We stay motivated – well at least I do – because even after going through a long hard 6 months of Emotionally Focused Therapy, we are still seeing the counselor once a month. The maintenance plan, if you will. We are forced to confront or celebrate out loud whatever is going on with us at that time.
Also, I have actually been meaning to tell you about this, a few months ago we implemented a daily “check-in” time. Every evening at 9:30 PST my cell phone alarm goes off (even if I’ve turned off the ringer, the damned thing) and we are both to drop everything and sit with each other and check in. If one of us is out, we call the other. No matter what (unless we’re in a seminar or movie). This is the time to focus on each other, share our day, bring up issues if we have them. A few times it has resulted in long, serious, weepy talks. Most of the time it’s “How was your day?” “Good, yours?” “Good, I love you.” “Love you too.” And done. Every now and then it becomes a wonderful instance of learning something new about each other, and a warm and fuzzy meaningful stare. Once it led to great sex. And yes, I’m counting.
I will also say here that nobody in my real life (i.e. outside of this here space) knows we went to counseling, so let’s keep it under our hats, m’kay?
Thanks, everyone. And thank you Alisa, for helping to keep me motivated every time one of your posts pops up in my email in-box.
.-= Kim Tracy Prince´s last blog ..Take-home Message From the Giveaway =-.
I sold my house and left everything behind to be with this guy. I’d look like a total idiot if I didn’t make this work. So I try not to stew about stuff. What have I got to loose
Well, I like checking in every day and seeing an email from Alisa in a my inbox, it gets ME motivated to work on my marriage! and life..I especially like reason 8 an 13. A few months ago I was given this advice from one of my friends she said, “Once a week, after your baby is asleep, turn off all the lights and have a quiet candle evening, sit and talk about 3 three things you liked and disliked about him during the week.and vice versa he also gets his chance to talk ex: I liked that you let me sleep in late, makes me feel appreciated as a mother, or I didn’t like it that you didn’t call to say you were running late, I was worried about you, and so on,”….
@KIm no worries, you won’t hear a peep out of me.
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..It’s fun learning 3 languages…… =-.
This list is fantastic. I particularly love the marathon analogy to marriage and the point that we’re not considering divorce so I suppose we better go ahead and work it out. Thanks for this!
I left my marriage of 26 years because I could not get it back on track. I felt like time was running out and I wanted to experience a healthy, wonderful, passionate relationship. I found one very quickly, but I also found that finding the relationship is just the beginning of a lot of hard work. My motivation is to not make the same mistakes I made last time. So far it’s working just great!!
AS many of you know Ray and I are in quasi-crisis mode right now with our marriage but neither of us has given up yet.
1) Every day I picture never seeing him again. It is unbearable so we need to work it out.
2) The grass on the other side? still needs to be mowed too, I’ve worked hard on this grass.
3) Vivo per lei, vivo per amore y besame mucho.
If I got it right Italian for “Dare to live, Dare to love and kiss alot.”
I’ve been channeling Elizabeth Gilbert
More Later
@Kathy- you are such a hero to me.
My daughter the linguist corrected me it is:
Avere il coraggio di vivere, avere il coraggio di amare e besame mucho
It doesn’t raelly matter Andrea Bocelli can say Besame Mucho to me every morning.
I really enjoyed this one Alisa. You still rock
As for what motivates me Hmmmm?
(1) One thing would be not to repeat mistakes I made in my first marriage. I have had the great fortune to have been married to two wonderful people. Yea my first wife had her faults but so did I & so does my current bride. The truth is EVERYBODY does.
(2) The grass is NOT greener no matter how good it looks from the outside. I lived the “single life” for a few years in between my marriages. I discovered it is REALLY hard to meet quality people to share your life with. At that age there were a lot of single women who were recently divorced. I discovered that many of them were divorced for a good reason. They were, self centered,mean, insainly jealous, unfaithful, drunks or drug addicted, had more emotional baggage than anybody could deal with & basicly IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE WITH….HA!
DISCLAIMER before somebody whacks me over the head: Number 2 was tounge in cheek. No I don’t think all women or even the majority are like that. Also I know plenty of men that fit those same categories. Those were just some of the types I came across but I also met some nice women that just were not a match.
(3) I have a wonderful wife who deserves the best husband I can be.
(4) last motivater to really make this work. See number 2 & remember what that was like lol.
Well there’s my list. Everybody really came up with some great stuff. I will be putting some of them to use in my own marital journey. Thanks guys & gals
@Joanne, Thank you. But I can’t imagine why? This is my third marriage. Also third for hubby. We may not work real hard on our marriage, but neither one us wants a divorce, so we do our best to give what the other needs &/or wants. Sometimes I’m sure it’s the last damn thing either of us wants to do. LOL!!!
Drummer Guy- You are right, I also didn’t particularly like being single. I enjoy sharing my life, seeing someone else’s reactions to what we are experiencing, it does broaden your outlook. I am very comforatble in my own self, I can take myself out to dinner a movie I have even gone on trips by myself, but it is wonderful to share all those things with Ray. We are very alike in that.
Kathy- I admire you for the strength I feel coming off you, you are a fierce and loyal friend and you keep working at things to improve them and make it better. Those are admirable qualities. That is coming from someone who would shy away from conflict and quit rather than fight for something I believed in (in the past).
@Joanne, thank you for the complement. From what you’ve written, I think we had similar childhoods. This strength that you “feel” from me, is survival. I learned as a young child in order for me to survive, I had to act tough. In some ways I am. But I truly believe in many ways, it’s a “act”. Counseling helped a lot for me to fight for what I believe to be right/correct. It also taught me, that I would be OK on my own. Not that I want to be on my own, especially at my age and with as spoiled as I am by my hubby (housekeepers, don’t work, etc.). Counseling got me over all those childhood hurts – unloved, abuse, abandonment.
You do things I won’t even consider doing. I’d never go out to dinner or a movie by myself. My idea of taking a trip by myself, is driving or flying alone to a friend or relative. I think I’ve only ever eaten in a restaurant (that wasn’t fast food) alone once in my life.
This is my third marriage and my husband’s first. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary and have been together for 23 years. I learned a lot from my other marriages and I still learn from ours. What motivates me to keep improving my marriage is that I adore my husband. Even when I was pissed at him, resented him, was mean to him and drove him to distraction, I still could not imagine life without him. I guess the motivation comes when I see the signs of our communication lagging, dragging, stagnating…..I feel motivated to initiate something to get us back on track. It might be a gentle heart to heart conversation. It might be LISTENING. It might be re-reading a marriage self-help book, It might be reading this blog, or a naked swim in the pool with him. (TMI?) It might be asking him “Are we OK?” I try to be mindful of the state of our marriage.
Judy- I love that “Are we OK?” I think I will ask Ray that once in a while. What a good barometer to have. Men are always saying we expect them to mind readers; I think it is totally acceptable to just ask them what their perceptions are too.
I rarely tell Ray I love him because that phrase has been so watered down to me, I have always told him “I adore you” I even had that engraved in a bracelet for him.
I think my motivation to keep my second marriage going is the knowledge of what a divorce feels like, ie. the experience acquired from the break-up of my first marriage. My second husband also was divorced and had been in a ten-year relationship afterwards that ended. When you have all this experience behind you, I think you are willing to go that extra mile at all times to avoid the trauma divorce entails and keep a marriage healthy.
.-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Family Makes the World Go Round =-.
I don’t know but maybe today’s topic resonates with me so much because we are going to the psycologist this afternoon and I’m girding myself for the inevitable feelings of having failed Ray in not being content with where we are.
This is my second marriage but Ray’s first and we have made it 15 years so far. I’m not above admitting that it is probably more a me problem than a him problem but I have to say that unlike my first marriage which was painful but needed to end I don’t want to loose Ray. That keeps me going! We just need now to make it healthy.
@Alexandra: Here here. That too is a reminder for me. 10 YRS of harassment, fear, anger and child custody battles. All the people telling me, this is not good for the kids – Duh no kidding but I couldn’t make it easier when someone was hellbent on hurting me through the children. (Phew almost wrote that in the present tense. Still a raw memory)
All the money I spent trying to extricate myself from the guy. OMG I will never do that again. Ever.
.-= Maureen´s last blog .. =-.
@Joanne. I am so glad to hear that you & Ray are still working on the marriage. It is heartwarming to see two people who live their love even when the going gets tough. I am like you in a lot of ways. I can go to the dinners, movies etc by myself but it sure is better when I have my beloved with me. When I got divorced from my first wife I did the typical male thing of sewing a lot of wild oats. I had come out of a sexually repressed 16 year marriage. I felt like a kid turned loose in the candy store…..lol. I was still under 40, a decent looking guy & playing in a rock band so there were plenty of options. It really got out of hand for a couple of years. I have never really talked about it here because I am not proud of what I did. Besides people would mistake it for bragging. Today I wouldn’t even consider it due to changed values. Not knocking anybody who chooses to live like that it just isn’t a right fit for me. I need more than just a sexual relationship.
The funny thing is now even though I don’t do well single I would never marry again. I know that in the next few years I will loose my beloved to Liver Disease. As a result I would be terrified of having it happen again. Does that seem unreasonable? I mean I know the odds of it happening again are a million to one. Maybe I have a little PTSD thing going. Or maybe is it just normal for people to react this way. Who knows? But in the meantime I am just going to treasure every day we do have & care for her the best I can. She deserves that. Anyway I am SO GLAD to see how you & Ray are progressing. You will be in mine & my beloved thoughts & prayers.
Many Blessings.
#5 and #6 are my personal favorites! I have to admit, I didn’t post a comment on this entry the past few days because I was feeling VERY un-motivated when it came to my marriage. We argued and argued for two days straight–anyone else ever been there? I’m a fan of silence, but once we allowed each other to cool off and not saying anything–we both felt better. It’s nicer to not say anything than to say something mean–especialyl in the heat of the arguement. Sometimes, my husband and I feel like we are talking to a brick wall–or talking AT each other, rather than WITH each other. But, today’s a new day and I feel better about all of it. Forgiveness is so key. I also like you what you said, Alisa, about we BOTH want to be happy, we just disagree about how to get there–so true! All is well now, thank goodness and I really needed this post, so thank you! Have a great weekend everyone!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I’m NOT a fan of silence!
.-= Sarah Liz´s last blog ..Feels Like Today =-.
Sarah Liz–
I’ve so been there. This weekend in fact. I think Mercury is in Retrograde. Last night, I thought, “I can’t believe I write a blog about marriage. Look at me!”
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Alisa’s Marriage Motivation Guide =-.
Oh thank God! Whew! In all seriousness, I was harping on my husband last night about fighting fairly–trying to explain HOW we need to fight instead of trying not to fight all together, and oh my goodness, my husband is a very smart man–I would’ve never married someone stupid–but after a while when he just wasn’t getting what I was saying I thought “why the heck am I in therapy? A ton of good it’s doing me–I’m yelling, and getting all frustrated–good therapy, Sarah!” Mercury in retrograde, my best friend has talked to me about that before–makes perfect sense to me! Have a great Sunday, let’s all just mellow out and enjoy the day!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
.-= Sarah Liz´s last blog ..Feels Like Today =-.
We went to the marriage counselor and she says she feels very good about where Ray and I are heading but she says we need to understand that every argument isn’t an end to the marriage. We have been so wounded by each other that every blowup is a set back. Sarah Liz I think you had the right idea it must be better to walk away than say something hurtful. Ray and I were just so thin skinned that any criticism was seen as hurtful. I do not do well with days of silence though and Ray’s retreating.
She gave us some ground rules for “fair fighting” so to speak. This way we can air our problem, get past it, without the slings and arrows.
here are the rules:
**Take it private and keep it private.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don’t have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.
**Keep it relevant.
Don’t bring up old grudges or sore points when they don’t belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn’t deteriorate into a free-for-all.
**Keep it real.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.
**Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don’t let the fight degenerate into name-calling.
**Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don’t have a goal in mind, you won’t know when you’ve achieved it.
**Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.
**Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.
**There’s a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don’t let them get out of hand. Don’t allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.
@ Joanne. EXCELLENT points. I agree wholeheartedly with the various bullet points. I see all to often fights that result in meaness assatination etc. How could we ever expect our spouse to be close to us if they feel that it will just result in more pain? Bringing up stuff that happened a long time ago just causes more setbacks & makes us feel as if our spouse can never truley forgive. Excellent stuff.
@ Joanne & Ray: this is absolutely awesome:
“You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.”
SO CRUCIAL and TRUE! I think the biggest part of being (staying) happily married–or at least, sanely married, is learning when and how to pick your battles. I’ve realized with my husband that the issue over the latter part of the week was that I felt taken advantage of. I felt like I he was taking way more than he was giving and like every time he dropped the ball, or forgot to take care of something, it was up to me to fix it. I felt over-ly responsible for things that really were NOT my responsibiltiy and I felt like he was making my everyday life (for those 3 days) much harder than it had to be. I told him all of this and he was pretty open to what I was saying. I am really good about saying how I feel, and what I think–flat out. I do it with respect, and I try to do it in a calm manner, but I’m only calm AFTER I’ve had time to cool off. He told me that every time I rolled my eyes (which I did do) when he asked me to do something or fix something, that he felt un-loved and like I didn’t WANT to take care of him. So, ALL of the arguing and yelling and stuff was really about both of us feeling something pretty major….taken advantage of, too co-dependent and un-cared for. Those are issues….and we’re working through them. My husband and I are a team, but because of our mutual illnesses, sometimes, one of us has to take care of more things (bills, errands, phone calls, etc.) than the other. And when one of us is truly not well, that’s fine, but this week we WERE fine–health wise–and I think sometimes we become too dependent on one another for things even when we’re healthy. I’m a big believer in tough love and I have no problem letting someone fall on their face when they mess up–neither does he–at the end of the day, that’s a good thing, because we have boundaries, but during the arguement, oh it’s so tough. I think spouses need to make each other grow and hold each other accountable–yes, we ARE a team, and we ARE here to help one another–but neither one of us is the other one’s personal assistant or parent–therefore, sometimes, we must take care of our own stuff, you know. Gosh, I hope I’m making sense. Anyway, the rules about fighting fair are SO true. And luckily, when I got up this morning, I WANTED to go in the living room, see him, sit next to him and hang out with him while he got ready for work–that’s a great sign! He was receptive to me as well, which is terrific! Letting go of anger is hard sometimes, especially if/when you feel under-appreciated or un-cared for….but, at the end of the day, even with the arguing, we wouldn’t trade each other for the world! And I love that! Here’s to repairing our marital mistakes, forgiveness and knowing how to fight fairly!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Sarah Liz and Drummer Guy et al- I think my counselor got this lkist from Dr. Phil, I know it isn’t original but you are so correct Sarah Liz I think we need to hold each other accountable too. Until we experience a time of healing I am just going to cut Ray some serious slack. I hope you all had a good weekend.
Everyone has already left so many thoughtful replies that I may not have anything to add. I will say, though, that being the child of divorce married to a child of divorce has really motived me (and my husband) to not want to do that to our kids…
.-= Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..In Praise of Good Editing =-.
Great stuff, and particularly like the list from Joanne on the rules of fighting. In my (recently ended) marriage I guess we just didn’t know how to fight well. She (I know now) was emotionally immature, and like all teenagers (emotionally, not chronologically) was pretty thin skinned about any perceived criticism. For my part I now realise that I would sometimes speak to her like a grumpy or exasperated parent, which certainly didn’t help!!!
In my new relationship (but not married yet!) I have learnt alot about MY mistakes in the failed marriage and really believe I have grown, so if we disagree we both have the maturity to handle any issues constructively. It still makes me sad sometimes that I and my first wife didn’t learn these skills years ago, as who knows what the outcome may have been? However, you can’t change the past, only learn from it.
For my part I knew I didn’t want a divorce, but she obviously thought the ‘grass is greener’ on the outside, and by her behaviours in the last couple of years would indicate that parting was not as great as she thought – however her subbornness will never let her admit it even to herself, let alone me!
Alisa – for me, the key issue in your list is one of commitment – asking yourself the question; am I committed to making this work, am I committed to the concept of union ‘until death do us part’ or not? I certainly was, and made the mistake of assuming that my wife was too. Fantastic that Joanne and Ray really seem to have this as their motivation to keep trying and finding ways to make it work, not just excuses to take the cowardly way out.
Your 4, 6, 8, and 14 are part of my mantra. Below are my additions:
1. He tolerates you. Show him you are willing to do the same when he is irritating.
2. He wants to be with you. Don’t walk out on a guy who wants you around.
3. Not everything is says is meant the way you heard it in your head.
4. You weren’t just kidding about those vows, were you? (Were you?) [Because sometimes I have to double check...]
5. Do you really want to have to do this all over again with someone else? Are you really that miserable?
I like OneHotTamales25 ‘s additions to the list! Puts a great reality check onto dissagreements in that they shouldn’t be blown out of porportion.
great stuff people. Let’s see…what motivates me to improve my marriage???????
When I read blogs like this….it really encourages me a great deal. Honestly.
Thanks guys. Keep it coming. Your words are helping me!!!
Hi, i have been with my wife for nearly 10 years now, and it seems like we have had more downs than ups, in fact we are having a down moment right now. I really love my wife but i feel like i dont show it, actually i know i dont show it enough. All she wants me to do is love her and help out around the house and show her i care with X’s and O’s. It’s very hard for me to be motivated and i dont know why, i wish doing everything she wants me to do was easy and it should be easy, what i mean is it should be easy for me to show my wife that i love her and i wish i had the answer to all of this.
Shane: Take it from someone who worked very hard and tried everything to engage my husband more in me and our marriage, if you know what she wants and needs and can spell it out so well as you have above you only have two choices. Start to take her needs and wants seriously and pony up or be prepared for the marriage to fail. My husband after counseling and every thing else I could coax him into trying still would not partner with me in this marriage and we are now through.