A marriage project is never over. To continually feel good about your marriage, some continuous work is in order. That’s why I recommend you pick up a marriage improvement book once every few moths or whenever you find yourself planning your spouse’s funeral, whichever happens first.
What follows are the books I’m reading now.
100 Ways to Boost Your Self Confidence, by Barton Goldsmith, PhD
Goldsmith also wrote Emotional Fitness for Couples, one of the books that saved my marriage. I recently connected with him to see if he would blurb my book. We spoke on the phone for nearly an hour. I must say this: he has got to be the coolest, funnest and funniest marital counselor I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.
He agreed to blurb me. (You can read his awesome blurb on this page, toward the bottom).
And then he sent me 100 Ways to Boost Your Self Confidence, which is his most recent book. This is one of those books that every recovering neurotic should carry with her in her purse. Pull it out and read a passage whenever you feel scared, nervous or worried. It’s Prozac, Xanax and Red Bull rolled into one. My favorite tip was #46, which explains what to do with anxiety. In it, Goldsmith recommends listening to the anxiety for clues. What is it trying to tell you? He also counsels us to think of it as a “thrill” and to use the energy it provides.
You might wonder, “What does confidence have to do with marriage?” My answer: everything! The more confident you are, the easier it is to see solutions. The more confident you are, the easier you are to live with. The more confident you are, the better adept you will become at asking your partner for change.
Emotional Fitness for Intimacy, by Barton Goldsmith, PhD
Yes, I am on a Goldsmith streak. I bought and read this book because I felt as if my husband and I were drifting apart. Our marriage was good. I didn’t have any specific complaints. He wasn’t doing anything in particular to annoy me. But I didn’t feel connected. I wanted to feel closer.
I’m still working my way through Emotional Fitness for Intimacy. This is a book that offers many exercises. It’s not a reading book. It’s a doing book. My husband and I still need to work on the doing part of things. Still, I love what I’ve read so far. Goldsmith is down to Earth and his suggestions make sense. Whenever I pick up the book, I feel as if he has known me and my husband for years.
I’ll be featuring a couple of the exercises he suggests in upcoming Marriage Improvement Mondays. We can all try them together.
Do You Know What I Mean? By Robert Keteyian
Robert is a counselor who reads ProjectHappilyEverAfter and comments here often. He sent me this book ages ago. Seriously, he was still a young man when he sent it to me. Now he’s lost most of his hair. Sorry Robert!
In this book, Robert breaks down communication styles into the following components: intrapersonal, interpersonal, linguistic, logical, visual-spatial, kinesthetic, and auditory. We all use some of every component when we communicate, but we tend to be stronger in two or three areas.
What I found most stunning about this book is that I was completely wrong about my communication style. I would have assumed that I was strong in the auditory and linguistic areas because I’m a writer. Talking and listening is what I do for a living. Yet, after taking Robert’s tests, I learned that I was really strongest in intrapersonal (which is similar to “introversion”) and kinesthetic (which, oversimplified, means I’m high in the feeling and empathy department.) I experience life by touch and feeling. When I am on a mountain hike, for instance, I’m much more likely to notice the air temperature and the sensation of stuff crunching under my feet than I am to notice the vistas. I’m also more likely to figure out my new iPad by pressing the buttons and seeing what happens (learning by doing) than I am by reading the instruction manual. And I’m more likely to sense that something is wrong with my marriage (usually by a sensation in my heart center) than I am to consciously think it.
So what does this have to do with marriage? Let’s say you are strong in one area and your partner is strong in a completely different area. This will lead to conflict! Even worse, you will both feel misunderstood, as if your partner just doesn’t “get you.” This issue, however, can be solved by understanding how to cater to your partner’s style as well as how to use the strengths of your own style—and how to avoid it’s inherent weaknesses, too. I will be inviting Robert here to talk more about this in an upcoming post.
What books are you reading for your marriage? List and review your favorites here in the comments, so others can learn from your success.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
The Relationship Cure by John M. Gottman. Actually, anything by John M. Gottman is amazing. Same goes for Larry Crabb — especially The Marriage Builder and Connecting.
Alisa, I think you and your readers would like my little book, “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage” (Boston Globe #1 pick) — an easy read that will help keep you on track with 20 small, but significant behaviors …
http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
Alisa, It’s always interesting and nerve wracking reading what someone has to say about your book. However, I didn’t wince at all reading your comments about mine, not even the reference to my baldness! In fact I greatly appreciate your personal comments about your own style. So often, the assumptions we make about our communication style are not accurate. Although you listen carefully to others and use words well in your writing, your core processing strengths don’t revolve around the auditory and linguistic. My top two strengths are the interpersonal and the kinesthetic. My wife is more intrapersonal and visual-spatial. Working mindfully with these different elements makes all the difference in our communication. You don’t have to have the same strengths to have good communication. In fact, I’ve never seen a couple who do have the same profile.
I’m looking forward to sharing more thoughts and ideas about communication. Thanks.
All of these books sound great! I need to get my local library and start reading! Thank you so much for doing this post! (I believe I was one of the people who requested it, though I doubt the only one.)
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
The best book I’ve read in a long time is “The Sex-Starved Marriage, Boosting Your Marriage Libido” by Michele Weiner Davis. It says what I’ve been trying to say in months of therapy and I better understand Ray now. I am reading it to him a couple pages at a time. He isn’t a good reader but loves for me to read to him.
I have several on my desk/table (I have a multipurpose table that serves as my desk in my home office)….all purchased/received over the course of the last 3-4 months, ironically (or not so much to you) when my husband and I were going through a very very tough time. It’s not “good” yet…but it is better, and for the most part feel like we are sometimes moving forward. There are some extenuating circumstances, but I am hopeful that will resolve in time. Anyway, the books are:
The Love Dare by Stephen and Alex Kendrick with Lawrence Kimbrough–this was given to me by a close friend who has been a huge support to me. I am still working on this one.
The Marriage Project by Kathi Lipp–I found this one in my pharmacy by accident (they have a selection of primarily Christian based books). I have read it through but not implemented it (I have to focus on one project at a time from any of my project categories.)
Love Is a Verb by Gary Chapman–found by accident in the pharmacy. Not specifically about marriage, though some of the stories are.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman–the aforementioned friend told me about this book. Not yet read, but I do follow their blog, and on facebook.
Love As A Way of Life by Gary Chapman–pharmacy again…not yet read, but I figure since it’s by Gary Chapman, not a waste.
Can My Marriage Be Saved? by Mae Chambers and Erika Chambers–not yet read, picked up on discount at the pharmacy.
The Husband Project by Kathi Lipp–this is actually her first book..I have been looking for it since I read the Marriage Project and found it on discount in the pharmacy.
The Love Dare Day by Day by Stephen and Alex Kendrick with Lawrence Kimbrough–found at Wal Mart shortly after I started the book.
lds.org articles–many articles on marriage topics from leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
multiple blogs (to include this one)–they are shown on my blog list at http://www.thejuelfsjournal.blogspot.com
Marriage and Family Relations participant and teacher manuals–this is a class offered at my church every once in a while.
I liked your recommendation to “pick up a marriage improvement book once every few months”. My question is, how do you stay motivated?
I work at Power of Two (http://www.poweroftwoMarriage.com), which is an online marriage improvement program. One of our core foundational concepts is that since marriages last a lifetime (hopefully!), so should the process of making one’s marriage better and better.
Recently we’ve been having fascinating conversations with our customers about how to integrate working on their relationship into their busy lives, so that it doesn’t slowly drift off their radar. One effective solution we’re finding is for people to pro-actively schedule time to think, read, and learn about their marriage as if they were making a coffee date with a friend. It doesn’t matter as much if it’s twice a week or twice a month. The important part is setting aside the half hour, putting it in your calendar, setting yourself reminders, and then showing up.
When we talk with customers, they often say that if it were a scheduled meeting with someone at work, they’d show up on time. So the trick for them is to remember how much more important their marriage is, and then treat their marriage improvement sessions with the same respect. it also helps if the sessions feel fun and rewarding.
one final comment: many people find it much easier to just schedule one session at a time. And then when they finish that, schedule the next. Trying to say “every Tues at 8p” is a little too daunting, and too easy to just give up on when you miss the 2nd session.
I’d love to hear your comments on how you stayed motivated to work through all those books!
- Jacob
Jacob–I have a mental rule that goes like this: If I am not happy, there’s a reason. If there’s a reason, I can do something about it. So I gauge “time to work on the marriage” by some symptoms: I feel disconnected, I’m fantasizing about men who are not my husband, I am angry, we’re fighting more than once a season, etc. Whenever a symptom pops up, it’s like my marriage has a cold. Then I give it medicine: marital improvement and attention.
Alisa Bowman´s last [type] ..How to Keep the Sexual Spark Alive
Looks like some good titles here and great to get some recommendations – I would say there are lots of crappy books out there written by chareltons, so it’s much better to have a personal recommendation.
A few I’ve found to be good and give practical advice are;
‘Divorce Busting’ – Michele Weiner Davis (it had a great chapter on mid-life crisis which helped me to understand some of the motivation for my former wifes decisions)
‘Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps’ – Allan and Barbera Pease (not about marriages specifically, but about the differences between the sexes – an update on Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It’s very funny, and a real eyeopener on how we think differently)
‘Getting the Love You Want’ and ‘Receiving Love’ – both by Harville Hendrix. I’ve mentioned him before in previous blogs. To my mind he is a genius – he really puts some science behind it (great for us practical males!), and many of the other books/articles I’ve read come to the same conclusions as he does but without the science to back it up
I just finished reading Light His Fire by Ellen Kreidman. It is a very interesting book about how the changes you make for yourself and your actions changes the way your husband and potentially others will feel about you. This book has a lot of examples, it is very interesting book.
I also like Gary Chapman’s books. Along with his I will again say I really like “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.