Psychologists call it “stonewalling.” The rest of us probably just call it “annoying.” It’s that moment when you confront your spouse about something vitally important to your relationship and you get one of the following responses:
- The Abrupt Change of Topic
- The Brush Off (yes dear, whatever, uh huh, fine)
- The Deaf Retreat (he or she leaves the room as if no words were ever spoken)
And I’m sure there are others. (Can you think of any? Let me know in the comments). The point is that you’d really like to solve a problem if only your spouse would participate in the process.
To find out what to do, I called in Bob Keteyian, M.Ed., a counselor and interpersonal communication consultant and author Do You Know What I Mean? (a book that I hope to read and review here very soon).
What follows is his advice on how to get a stonewalling spouse to open up.
How to Stop the Stonewalling
Your spouse doesn’t stonewall in order to hurt you. Your spouse does it to protect him or herself. So many men I work with don’t immediately acknowledge it, but they are afraid of communication in their intimate relationships, so they stonewall. Here are some of the reasons they’ve given me for doing it:
- She will talk circles around me and I won’t be able to articulate my views. I’ll feel foolish.
- I don’t want to hurt her or the relationship. If I get frustrated, I’ll get angry and say something hurtful just to protect myself.
- She says she wants me to open up, but when I express vulnerability she seems uncomfortable. Am I getting a mixed message?
- She holds all the power in the relationship, but won’t admit it. It’s too dangerous to talk about.
Stonewalling is a form of avoidance. We avoid things because we are worried and/or don’t have a lot of confidence. When our kids avoid talking with us about something important, we intuitively understand that it must be really hard for them. They are afraid of something. Is it really any different for us as adults?
It is especially hard for men to admit they are afraid. You should see the looks I get from guys when I try to explain the connection between vulnerability and strength! I have to do some of my best talking to pull that one off.
Use These Anti-Stonewalling Secrets
Secret #1: Accept the idea that your partner has good intentions, is probably afraid of something, and is worried about how to talk effectively concerning a difficult situation. Doing so will help you will set a better tone for the conversation.
Secret #2: Acknowledge your own worries and good intentions up front. In fact, it’s always a good idea to state upfront in any difficult conversation your intentions and goals. You put the other person at ease, which makes it easier for him or her to respond in kind.
Secret #3: If a guy thinks this is a one shot, high-stakes conversation, he’ll usually balk. Sometimes it’s better to express your intentions, acknowledge that it’s also difficult for you to talk about, and you just want to get some thoughts on the table for the two of you to think about. Then after you’ve had a chance to mull it over, you can get back together for some discussion.
Does your spouse stonewall? Have you been successful in getting past it? Share your advice! Or, are you feeling hopeless, as if the advice here just isn’t enough to solve your stonewalling issues? Share your fears! We’ll work together in the comments area to solve your problems.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
yeah, i get another variation:
#4: ‘the put off’ :
“i dont have time right now, can we talk about this later?”
“I’m really too tired, we should talk about this in the morning”
I have noticed that sometimes my spouse does #3, only I cannot always recognize whether it’s because he really did not hear me, since he’s hard-of-hearing, or is pretending not to hear. What I do is make sure to talk facing him, and I generally prepare the topic, by bringing up something related to the topic the day before or telling him outright, “Tomorrow let’s have a conversation about X or Y.” That gets him to thinking about it ahead of time and our discussion can proceed on equal footing so to speak. I guess what I’m describing is basically Anti-Stonewalling Secret #3 above. And, I can assure you that it does work ….
I find that whatever I say sinks in the next day or even later. I guess it takes my husband time to think about it. He will listen silently and not say much. So, this type of stonewalling, I like to think, is really stalling and wanting to take it in. But it doesn’t mean he is not listening or not contemplating (even though it seems that way).
I am usually the stonewaller, my husband (estranged) is more emotional and sensitive than me, so he either talks me to death, and talks in circles, and by the time i get a word in, I am confused as to what we were talking about in the first place. When i do respond, its never the response he wants, so that starts another “debate” for lack of a better word. But when I want to talk about, its we’ll take care of it, or it will be alright, without him proactively trying to make things work. Endless cycle of communication frustration.
i’m the stone-waller. so would these tips work to communicate with the woman as well? I frequently just say OK and walk out of the room. and i frequently balk when i think that the conversation is a serious one. one day my husband will open the emails I forward to him of PHEA and he will be amazed at the insight!!!!
Sabrina, maybe if you try the “what i am hearing you say…” method. you can get your husband to be more direct in his speech. after he has a long circle talk, ask him “I think you are asking me ____. is that correct?”
My husband and I have lots of ‘debates’ over verbage and how we have phrased a comment. this method has helped a lot in easing confusion.
trying the follow up button this time.
I’m the Bob who wrote the stonewalling piece. I’d like to offer another thought after reading some of the comments. We all think out loud (interpersonal) and think internally (intrapersonal), but we usually have a preference. Those of us who process out loud want more engagement, but it really isn’t possible for the inside thinkers who need inner processing time to discover their true thoughts and feelings. This often causes a breakdown in relationships and is interpreted as stonewalling. It’s really worth discovering which tendency you have and discussing it with your spouse. Then you can make a practical plan to account for both styles, and it can make a big difference.
I’ve gotten the same responses as Aguyreader – we’re working on this, and finally I just asked, how do you want me to approach these types of conversations? That made him stop and think, and finally, he made a few suggestions and admitted he could try to be more open to them.
I think it finally made him realize I’m trying to work with him not against him – sometimes that switch just needs to be made.
On the few occasions my husband stonewalls, I know it’s a sign the topic makes him angry and he needs to cool off. I usually wait about 48 hours and firmly bring it up again. The second one always goes better.
How about: After you voice your concerns. “You have to much time on your hands. Read a book or go exercise.” Is there really anything you can say when you get this as a response to how your not feeling connected and that your not happy with the way things are going.
Does stonewalling also mean, you’re already having the conversation, it’s going well (so you think) and all of a sudden, he changes the subject, rants on whatever topic he changed to, then gets upset when you walk away ? I don’t mind that he wants to talk about something else, but can we finish what we started first ?
I’m going to say I’ve never found a way to deal with it – I used to get angry and have it out with him. Now, I just walk away. He comes to me, all upset, because we hadn’t finished … and wonder of wonders, he actually remembers exactly where we were in the conversation and “wants” to continue.
Much as I appreciate all that, at that point I’m still hurt that he cut me off as I was saying something only to burst into a topic that has nothing to do with what we were discussing. Minutes later, when I’ve lost my train of thought and walked away before I lost my temper, he’s upset with me and wants to continue ? So WTH was “all that” is what I’m thinking, but I don’t voice it – it’s not worth the fight. So I just tell him forget it. I give myself time to calm down, move on and just let it go. It’s happened before, I tried talking to him about it, and nothing’s changed. So I just leave it … it’ll come up again, we’ll go through this again, but maybe, just maybe, one day we’ll get through one topic before he changes it on me mid breath.
And for the record, I have tried talking with him when he’s said he wanted to continue – wouldn’t you know, a few minutes later he does the same thing again. I haven’t the patience to deal with continual interruptions – just the way I am – so anymore, first time he does it, we’re done.
Go calm myself somewhere, remind myself he doesn’t mean to hurt me, (doesn’t change the fact that he does, but it makes me feel better) and just leave it. If it comes up again, I’ll deal with it then. If not, oh well. I don’t get angry with him, I don’t ignore him, I just ignore the event.
Some days I’d like to do to him what he does to me – but I’m not that type of person to be intentionally rude & hurtful, and especially not to someone I love. If it sounds like I’m saying he is, I don’t mean to – I’m only saying I can’t do it as an intentional retaliation, because it’s just not me.
I’ve said before, we do not have the perfect relationship, far from it. But for the most part we get along, love one another, share things, and we have it really good. This particular topic (his “stonewalling”, if that’s what it can be called) is one of the few “ruts” or “bumps” in our marriage. So we’re not doing too bad, considering.
Love your posts, Alisa – Many thanks for opening up so many conversations amongst married couples, and giving us all a way to share our experiences.
I guess I’m too stubborn for my husband to stonewall me. Yes, there are times, where a conversation has turned into a fight and we both just need space to calm down before we can finish talking about an issue.
But I’ve learned not to bring up anything deep/heavy in the evenings. On the rare occasion I feel strongly about discussing something “after hours” (meaning when hubby is too tired) I’ll mention the subject to him so that we can talk about it the next day. Usually we both forget about it and I figure it wasn’t all that important when I later think of it again. Or if I’m lucky, when I later think of it – it’s a good time to talk – such as the weekend.
A lot of things I used to think were so important for us to talk about, just don’t seem that important to me anymore. I’m sure it was my counseling. Because most of what I felt “we must talk about” were my issues and my issues got resolved.
I just remembered. He did try to stonewall me the other night. I didn’t accept it. It wasn’t too late and he’d just eaten, so I pretty much insisted that he talk to me. But I accomplished that by letting him know, that it was going to be that much harder on me if we didn’t talk. Which means, I’m calm now, but I’m losing my calmness in three more minutes if you don’t talk to me. Which means hours and hours of fighting.
I think hubby’s gotten smarter. Spend 5 minutes talking about something he doesn’t want to talk about or spend the next 5 hours fighting about something he doesn’t walk to talk about. Also, hubby sees how much my counseling helped me, so he can trust that 5 minutes will resolve it. Whereas before, 5 minutes was the start of 5 hours.
Marie–I’m not completely sure I understand the comment (and maybe you aren’t either?) Is that his way of saying “if you had a life, this thing you are complaining about wouldn’t bother you?”
Assuming so, my husband said something like this to me years ago, when we were at the worst of our marital problems. Of course, it was one of those moments when he thought he said one thing and I heard another. I heard “you need to get a life” and he swears he said “you get to get out more” or something. At any rate, I felt as if he didn’t think my feelings were valid. But I did get a life. It was true that I needed one. And that gave me the courage to really stand up for myself, because once I got a life the idea of divorce wasn’t as scary.
Today, now that I can communicate better, I think I would respond with this: “So are you saying that you don’t think my feelings are valid?”
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..What are your turn offs and turn ons? =-.
Maile–this is something I would talk about when you are not in an argument. Say that you notice he changes the topic half way thru and ask if he knows why he does that. He might not even know he’s doing this. Then ask if it’s okay to say something, because the topic change gets you even madder than you already were and you don’t want to be madder than you already were. Perhaps your code phrase could be “noted. let’s table that til the next discussion and finish what we started.” Also, it’s okay to walk away when you are so angry that you are no good. I do that all the time. I usually just say “I need a break.” It can take me as long as 24 hours to calm down. As long as you can communicate by saying “still mad, can’t talk” or something like that, it’s really okay. Then eventually, once you’ve calmed down, set aside a time to talk about it and get it settled.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..What are your turn offs and turn ons? =-.
i’ve learned after many years that stonewalling is general due to him being angry about a topic and not wanting to say something hurtful. sometimes, too, he just needs time away from the conversation to let what’s been said sink in. i used to push and push and force him to talk, but i’ve realized now that allowing him to back away for a while usually helps us BOTH to remain calm and talk through things rationally. of course, it took me a LONG time to get comfortable with this and to train myself not to panic and decide that his silence meant that he didn’t care about me or the relationship.
Okay did you have a camera in my house a few years back? lol
. Wow this so used to be me. In my case I was just one of those guys who hates confrontation in any way shape or form. I still do in some ways but the wife & I have learned to approach things in non-confrontational ways. A lot of times it is in the words we choose or the attitude we display in talking about any issue. As some regular readers of this blog know my wife has had very serious illness (Liver Disease) for several years now. She has been on hospice twice & I nearly lost her. This totally changed the way I look at things & made me realize that life is to precious & our time together too short to let conflict get in the way of what could be a very happy life. So I do have a different perspective on things.
What I had to learn & I have written this before, but when she has something that is important to her, even if I think “well that’s just silly” it isn’t silly to her & if it is important to her it needs to be important to me.
What she had to learn was how to approach problems & avoid it turning into conflict. If she came at me & said..”I can’t believe you said X or did Y”. It immediatly put me on the defensive & set my attitude negatively towards whatever was on her mind. Now if she came at me in a non-confrontational tone & said “You know honey you said X or did Y yesterday & I have really had that on my mind”. I was always open to listening & trying to be more sensitive to her needs, wants & desires. Before we both learned this I would stonewall. Sometimes the solution is taking a day to think about it before even bringing it up. She does the same. Many times our first reaction to anything is anger & we approach it from that. But a day or two latter the thing that made us angry doesn’t seem as bad as we thought. We just needed a day or two to calm down. Anyway that’s what works in our case.
Stonewalling is very vivid and exact for me. We will be discussing something upsetting (probably arguing or fighting) and I will be met with complete silence and a hard, stony expression, often him just staring off into space. It is very frustrating and hurtful, and I will actually say, “Please answer me, please say something! I am dying here! It would be better to hear almost anything instead of this silence!” And I get no response at all.
I know my husband has a hard time communicating his thoughts and, though I thought I was good at it, I realize I need some work, too. I get very upset easily and I have a great memory for all the things that bother me. Our problem is definitely that I talk circles around him, and he doesn’t know how to interdict. He has told me that he is just sitting there trying to formulate thoughts, and before he does, I’m off onto something else. I feel that I’m talking about the same subject, just at another angle or within different boundaries, but he feels I’ve gone completely off topic.
He just can’t keep up with the fight, and inside he is very upset, too. Wish I had a window to view the insides, but I’m often kept far away from those.
Hubby is forever changing the subject. He doesn’t just change it, he ignores the part of the conversation that had just occurred and then he gets insulted when I call him on it. It’s like the sound of my voice puts him in a trance and he can only connect with thoughts of himself. The subjects that he changes to are all self-involved not relationship or family oriented and so far off of the topic that it’s almost like I’m not there. So, after years of this (it still happens sometimes) I learned a few things. The first thing I have to do is warn him a serious conversation is coming. Then after some time has passed about an hour or two,or however long it takes for us to finish what we each were doing, sometimes when it is really serious I’ll tell him in the morning what we need to discuss before bed. This gives him time to prepare and contemplate. I explain how important the subject matter is to me and how hurt I would be if he did not listen. After important points, I will ask him if he understands what I just said and ask him to paraphrase making corrections as needed. After all, miscommunication is a real thing. If he is having a hard time focusing and his mind is all over the place, well, I tell him that I’ll be happier if he got through this seriously. When I am happy I tend to be more excitable. If we actually get through a serious conversation, then I invariably feel closer to him even when the topic isn’t necessarily concerning the relationship. The fact that he listens in a respectful way is so rare that it is wonderful and I love him all the more for it. So, he has slowly come to associate paying attention to goodies later on. I guess we both win. Of course, that’s not to say that all serious conversations go so well, but sometimes it’s nice to be heard without a fight.
I think it is hard for Hubby to listen to my concerns without innately feeling like he must fix things. Sometimes there really isn’t anything broken or “wrong” that needs fixing, and that leaves him feeling helpless. When you just need to be heard and understood, there isn’t anything else to be done. He’s learning. Given the chance, most men really are willing to learn how to have a serious conversation with their woman.
I know in my relationship that I take responsibility for explaining what I need from him from the beginning. Each discussion is different. If it is about an annoying or hurtful behavior, then I give him plenty of warning and I do expect change. More often than not, I need to get things off of my chest. I don’t do it to hurt him or make him feel bad and I explain that as best I can. However, if he has hurt my feelings in some way and I don’t let him know (after I’ve calmed down) then how can I expect him to discontinue the behavior. He doesn’t set out to hurt me. He just figures that if it wouldn’t hurt him, then it shouldn’t hurt me. Men and women are two different animals and what’s good for the goose may not always be what’s good for the gander.
Leadership style is the key. My husband is an “analyzer”. He will never make a decision or have a conversation about something until he has had enough time to research the topic, think about it and THEN speak his mind.
So I honor this. I am a “controller” and make decisions on the fly and more on instinct than tons of info. It takes a lot of thought, on my part, to always remember this since no item or topic is too large or too small to require a certain amount of research and ruminating.
So I tell him something, or plant a seed so to speak. I tell him we don’t have to talk about it right now but I will be checking back in a week or so for his thoughts on the matter.
The biggest issue is for him not to “lose face”.
Sigh he still considers me flighty in my thought processes but such is life.
.-= Maureen´s last blog .. =-.
I really like what I’ve seen others commenting about, when they say that giving the other time to think and plan is important. I agree that this is the key factor, and for me the hardest thing to remember. Not only does it help when tempers are flaring, to calm the situation and to just walk away and think, because nothing is really ever resolved with us when we are upset and not even listening to one another. But also, if my husband feels uncomfortable expressing himself when I’m giving him this ultimatum-fight-conversation, I owe it to him to let him digest everything and come back and tell me what he really thinks later. And I really want to hear him!!!
Joanne- Sometimes to keep someone engaged in the conversation it is important that you repeat back what they are saying to them as some of you have pointed out. I know that if Ray doesn’t feel he will get a word in edgewise he will tune out of the conversation or switch topics so it is easier to do any talking in segments, break it down and make sure you give them some victories too like” i hear you saying this, how does it work into my feeling that”, and as soon as one person is raising their voice the discussion needs to be shelved for a little while.
Ray- Sometimes I stonewall so I don’t say something hurtful. Sometimes Joanne can talk circles around me so I just don’t take everything in. If I only get parts then I can say the wrong thing i return. It helps if I just admit I don’t get the point of what she is saying so she can say it again another way. Also these discussions shouldn’t be about winning or losing a point but what works better for both people.
My husband is the WORST at this. He will do any combiniation of the three and then lock himself into a room with his phone and a lap top and not come out for 5 hours. Then he will ask if I’m “over it” or if I’m “done bitching”. Usually it’s about something important such as if he will help me move all his crap out of the spare bedroom so we can put the crib, or if he will help out with the dishes before his friends come over.
I think we both were pretty good at stonewalling in my (recently ended) marriage. Im my case I had a emotionally immature wife who really had no empathy for others, especially me. When we’d have a dissagreement about something it would often end in being accused of ‘not even liking her’ and she’d just fall into stoney silence if she didn’t get her way. For my part when she’d bring up issues which I believed were petty and trivial I’d not pay much attention, which I now know must have been frustrating for her. I’m usually a very easygoing person, so when our disagreements would end in silence or her storming out I would get over it after a few minutes or hours whereas I believe she harboured the resentment for years.
She’d accuse me of ignoring her, which I did out of frustration, and was pretty childish on my part, and she would do the same if she didn’t want to talk about something. Needless to say it was doomed to eventual failure, and I certainly accept my share of the blame for the poor behaviour. Interestingly though these issues just aren’t there with my new partner (and we’ve been dating for 18 months, so well past the first flush of love!) as I’m sure I’ve learnt from my mistakes but also having someone who is emotionally mature and can discuss issues rationally.
I’m the stonewaller in our relationship. I do what I call “the clam.” If I don’t want to discuss a topic I usually stop engaging altogether. I won’t leave. I do what I consider to be worse: “suffer in silence.” What I actually do is create suffering for my husband who is legitimately interested in how I am feeling and what can be done to help me move back to a place of communication. What helps to diffuse the anxiety I feel about the discussion is when my husband exudes love and compassion. He will often say something like, “I don’t mean to upset you. I just want to express myself. I love you and I want to hear what you have to say because it’s important to me. You can tell me and we can talk about it.” What he doesn’t do is promise to not get mad or angry. I also appreciate that because it reminds me he will have a real response to what I have to say and we will have to work through what we are discussing. He also often tells me, “I don’t want you to run from this discussion. We need to talk about this. I want you to talk.” That is more of a pill to swallow for me, but sometimes I take it better than others.
Do you have a book out? If so PLEASE, PLEASE, E-mail me the name of your book or a suggested book. I have been with my husband for 10 years, he has always had a short fuse and fast temper [zero to sixty, less than a minute] and at one time I was not like that but now I too have that very same issue. We have children and I do not want them to grow up having these issues, I would greatly appreciate a response. Thank you for this site, it was very helpful, I spent days googling, reading sites that were total B.S and full of solutions that were unrealistic. Please e-mail me more information. Thank-You,
My husband is stonewalling me right this very second. I remembered you had written something so … I found it. Thanks! When I read that men might be holding back anger/fear when they stonewall, it totally dawned on me what he is upset about. And it’s something super easy to fix! Thanks for saving the day, Alisa!
Is stonewalling the same as not engaging? then yes, my husband does this. I suppose that after all these years, I’ve begun doing it too! What I’m reading here is very informative. It’s helping me see things more from his point of view.