- It’s pointless to compare your marriage or sex life to others because there is no such thing as one ideal marriage or sex life.
- It doesn’t matter if you are a feminist who sought out an egalitarian man to marry. Chances are you will eventually come to the conclusion that you do most of the housework. For a while this will anger you. Eventually you’ll either reach a place of acceptance or you’ll have the means to hire a cleaning lady.
- There is nothing instinctual about birthing or raising a child.
- Babies stress good marriages and bring bad marriages to an end.
- Your husband won’t love you any less if you speak your mind. If anything, he’ll be relieved to finally know what you’re thinking without having to guess.
- Fair and happy are not necessarily the same thing. When you have a choice between the two, shoot for happy.
- Men snore more when they drink and when they have a cold. It’s best to sleep in the guest room on such occasions. You’ll actually get some sleep and he won’t wake with a sore arm.
- He loves when you ask for help. It makes him feel like a man.
- Lingerie isn’t for him. It’s for you.
- Bikini waxes aren’t for him. They’re for you.
- You are your own harshest critic. Whether or not you gain or lose those 10 pounds, he will always think you look as hot as the day he met you.
- He doesn’t talk down to you because he thinks you’re stupid. He does it because someone talked down to him as a child and now he’s modeling this behavior.
- Happiness comes from being understood, not from winning.
- If you wash his cycling clothes with your clothes, your clothes will smell like a teenage boy who hasn’t showered in three weeks.
- If you let him wash your delicates, he will put them all in the dryer. He will not do this out of spite. Rather, he will do it because none of his clothes require a gentle cycle and to be hung dry.
- If he doesn’t notice you got your hair cut, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.
- He shuts down when you confront him not because he enjoys annoying you. He does it because he’s scared.
- He loves it when you compliment him.
- He has always loved you, and he always will.
What do you wish you’d known before you got married?
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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
I wish I’d had counseling before I got married. It would have saved a lot of fights and hurtful words.
- Sometimes, it really is OK to “go to bed angry” if it means you’re not up til the wee hours of the morning, getting nothing accomplished. A “break” in a disagreement (OK, let’s call it what it is at this point… a horrible fight) can bring perspective. Same with some sleep. Table it, or just go to bed, and talk about it again the next day to resolve things.
-Just because he doesn’t sort the laundry the same way I do doesn’t give me the right to bitch about it. Hey, he is doing laundry without being asked. I should shut my mouth and thank him later.
- Just when you think he has no clue what makes you tick, he can surprise you by saying just what you need to hear in or doing what you need him to do a completely spontaneous way.
- Boys bathrooms are disgusting! (We are able to each have our “own” bathroom right now.)
Oh, and… you do have to talk about HOW to fight. It’s awkward to do, but if you discuss what you personally need, what he personally needs, and what your relationships needs during an argument, it can make it much easier to accept some behaviors in the heat of the moment.
Some of these are right on(4, 11, 13), but #2 and #15 are way off in my house. I easily do half if not most of the cleanup. She has never ironed or dusted in her life as far as I know and I’m in charge of all the dishes.
#9 I don’t know…..
aguyreader: I should have added an intro that these are things I would have said to myself about my own marriage. I don’t think all of them apply to everyone (ex: the cycling gear in the wash). Some might, but I wasn’t necessarily thinking that they were all universal. Yeah, I’m hearing from plenty of men like yourself who are the “clean” ones. It’s more of a personality trait than a gender trait.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..How to Tell if Your Relationship Can Be Salvaged =-.
I definitely agree on discussing how to fight, because some people just fight dirty and unfairly.
There is a lot I can add to the list, but its my fault I didnt find out first – o well, lesson lived and learned.
Awesome list. I love your suggestion that “happy” is better than “fair.” And I’ve also found that it’s true that I am way more critical about my own body than he will ever be. I’ve heard the same from many other women. I, too, wish I had known how easy it would be to please my husband in regards to my looks. It would have saved a lot of anxiety.
.-= Kathleen Quiring | Project M´s last blog ..The Pill and Feminism =-.
I LOVE marriage improvement Mondays
This is good & should get a LOT of responses. Here is a couple.
For the ladies:(1) No he didn’t mean that all your older outfits make you look hidious when he said your new one looks really good on you
(1a) What he said requires no reading between the lines. He really ment it & had no hidden agenda
For the Men: (1) No she doesn’t find you less attractive or desirable when the sex tapers down from 4-5 times a night to once a week. She really is just tired
(2) See number one
Both humerous but oh so true lol.
Thanks for the post.
I requested the topic because I’ve been dating the same guy for ab 6 yrs and we’re beginning to talk about moving in together (not marriage yet, I think we should live together for a while first). But I’m just starting to discover #1 after 6 years…. I’m fairly young still (23) but my friends are starting to settle down and get married.
#3 is a relief, even though I have a few years still until I am interested in having kids.
And while I know #17 is true, I’ve been having trouble figuring out how to deal with it. Any suggestions?
Overall, great list. Thanks again!
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..I’m Done Holding Up Walls =-.
I want to spin #12 and take it a bit further:
I’ve noticed my son has a tendency to do this to his wife. Why? He heard his father doing it to me. So, this modeling behavior bit will continue through generations. Put a stop to it as soon as you notice the phenomenon in your marriage.
DrummerGuy made another one pop into my head. When my husband says something like “I’m OK” or “It looks fine,” more often than not, that’s as far as it goes. I could drive myself nuts reading into it, but I’ve learned that guys are simpler than women in what they say… rarely no hidden meanings (although, every so often, they happen). If he says something that you think there’s more to, just ask. If there is, he’ll tell you (hopefully).
Melissa – As for what to do about the shutting down when you confront him, that’s tough. Think about HOW you confront him about something. Is it in a way that he feels the need to go on the defensive? Is it at a bad time? How can you help him to feel more comfortable so he can feel that he is able to open up to you? Maybe a heart to heart in a content moment about this topic is needed so you know where he’s coming from and he knows where you’re coming from.
@Natalie: my experience with my own language and my other guy friends is that “it looks fine” just means “it looks fine”, HOWEVER,
“I’m ok” NEVER EVER means “I’m ok”.
Have to say, while I agree with all the numbers #5 is opposite for me. Even in a non-threatening, using all the me words so no blame could be implied, my husband would still feel that I was “hurtful” if I tried to tell him what I felt was wrong, lacking or just not working for me. It is very hard to describe what is bothering you or what you need if the other person feels threatened by anything they feel is criticism, I have run out of ways to sugar coat things so that I can be heard.
Wow I can’t even imagine whining or starting a fight about the way my husband cleans! I have always just felt like if he is cleaning, I am happy. Maybe its because growing up, my primary caregiver was my dad so we never were raised with a mother teaching us that there is one “right” way to clean.
I think the most important thing is to remember that YOU married your spouse. (You have addressed this before on your blog and I 100% agree). No one forced you to marry him. I always remember that I respect and admire my man for what he is, not what he could be etc. The first marriage counseling session, the counselor asked why we wanted to make the relationship work, and I teared up answering that its because my man is the goodest, most pure-hearted, nicest, handsomest, and sexiest man on the planet and I knew that I could never meet another like him! I think that if you no longer believe that about your spouse, your marriage is in big trouble and its time to re-discover how you feel.
True indeed! I’ve been married a year and a month now….and I wish I had seriously thought about this point:
“Fair and happy are not necessarily the same thing. When you have a choice between the two, shoot for happy.”
It would have saved A LOT of unnecessary arguments from occurring or continuing.
@aguyreader – OK, yes, I agree. “I’m OK” often means something’s up. But maybe “I’m OK” could mean “I can’t talk about it just yet.” But you made a good point.
Favor- I have learned that as soon as someone starts to raise their voice it needs to be shelved for another day and believe me I used to be the yeller. Taking a step back and trying to see it from their perspective is a big help in coming to a compromise and it is all about compromise.
Here’s one: Realize that the way he responds (or doesn’t) to something you say can totally change by the next day, after he’s had time to mull it over without you standing there, waiting for him to agree with you.
I agree the most with #’s 6, 7 & 13!!! Amen! #4 & 16 are wonderful too–and so true! I haven’t lived #4, but I do know it–from friends! A couple has to be (or should be) stable before they bring a child into their life. What I wish I had known was the following:
1.) That learning how (and when) to pick your battles IS half the battle. If it doesn’t contradict with your self-respect, core values and/or isn’t illegal or bad for health–than it’s really not worth arguing about–at least in my book! Learning to pick your battles, how to pick them and when–really is, I think the key to a MUCH happier marriage and overall more sane life!
2.) As much as I like sex, and feel it IS absolutely necessary in a marriage–there will be times you actually do FORGET to have it. It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other or don’t want to. It’s kind of like wanting to call a friend for weeks on end–and every time you pick up the phone and think of doing it–something comes up, you get busy & distracted and forget. I still think sex should be a priority in marriage, but I never thought that I would actually forget to have sex–I did. I wish I had known that! LOL!
3.) That my capacity to forgive is pretty tremendous. And that I would need to use it more than I thought I would!
4.) That I really am a bossy person, people told me that, but my husband proved it. I wish I had known that bossy doesn’t work well in a marriage–like I knew it intellectually, but I didn’t know it until I experienced it. So, pretty much I wish I had known that bossiness can erode trust and desire to be intimate (not even necessarily physically, but that too!). I wish I had known the negeative effects of my bossiness BEFORE marriage instead of learning it the hard way–but hey, nobody’s perfect!
5.) That just because I’m married doesn’t mean I need to meld with him on EVERYTHING! It’s cool to be open to new ideas and bend and such–but at the end of the day, you ARE two different people and it is OKAY to not agree on everything! Again, I knew that intellectually, but not first hand–now I do. I think learning to accept your differences in marriage is HUGE! I wish I had known just huge agreeing to disagree is!
That’s about all I can think of for now! And yes, about the cleaning–my husband rarely cleans–and rarely cleans the way I would clean–so hey, if he’s cleaning ANYTHING at all–I’m SUPER DUPER HAPPY!
I am not going to complain about the way he’s doing it, because he’s doing it–and that’s enough for me! This was hard to learn, but so worth it!
I’m enjoying reading everyone else’s comments and advice! Very cool!
Great post, as always, Alisa!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
@ Joanne: “Taking a step back and trying to see it from their perspective is a big help in coming to a compromise and it is all about compromise.” I could not agree more!
melissa – in previous discussions we talked about ‘firing a warning shot’ and telling your spouse by saying something like: “I’d like to talk about this, I’m unhappy/frustrated/hurt”
then giving it a while (a day) to set in, then approach them again, with “remember i told you i wanted to talk about this… let’s talk”
i love this list Alisa!
I wish I had known:
1.) not all definitions of words, terms, and beliefs are universal – discuss them so you understand your spouse
2.) it doesn’t matter how he folds the laundry – because he IS folding the laundry~!!
3.) [many] men live like bachelors their whole lives, it just doesn’t matter to them that they have dirty socks everywhere
4.) if its not in the hamper you don’t have to wash it!! (they eventually run out of socks/underwear and get the hint)
5.) Marriage is NOT easy, it doesn’t just fall together like wild one night stands can… Marriage takes work, effort, thought, and COMPROMISE!
If at all possible, try to schedule a “date night” just for the two of you once a week. Dress up in a way that makes YOU feel good about yourself and go out (even if it just to the movies). I makes a big difference for us!
I wish I realized that people don’t change. And if they do miraculously, it’s over many, many years. If they won’t change for themselves, then they won’t change for you.
Sarah is right and Snoopy said it in the last post, even after you reach an understanding and everyone is trying for awhile it seems we slip back into patterns that put us at odds or in the ditch or back on the merry-go-round all over again. Why are we always surprised when people revert back to type?
#11 just can’t be true. “Hot” and “always” are two very strong words.
Sarabeth–It might not be true of all husbands, but my husband thinks I’m hot when I’m naked 100 percent of the time. This has held true our entire marriage, and especially when i didn’t feel hot. I don’t think all of my lessons apply to all marriages, but they do apply to mine. So if I was talking to my younger self, I would definitely tell myself to stop worrying about the size of my ass. My husband loves my plumpy butt.
I wish I had known that you can’t just have a baby when you are ready to have a baby…infertility isn’t something that only happens to other people.
Oh, and that marriage would not be a fairy tale, but rather a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, with the downs sometimes laster longer than the ups.
Wow Sara & Joanne said what I was going to say. I guess great minds think alike lol. On that same note.
(1) Bad behavior & character traits do not get better because you marry. If anything it usually gets worse.
(1a) For instance. If he or she is the VERY jealous type before you marry, that will probably worsen afterward. Now they feel secure that it won’t drive you away. That is one I have had to deal with. Not from my wife but from women I dated previous to meeting her. As a drummer in a rock band the industry attracts a lot of female fans. I have to be nice to them as they buy your albums, tickets to your shows etc. Now being nice doesn’t go farther than a hug & thank you for coming to the show stuff. They are usually the same crowd & know I won’t cross that line. Most respect it. But I have seen a LOT of jealous types who just can’t handle that. Sometimes due to their own insecurities. Sometimes due to their need to control. While not all jealous types are abuser 100% of abusers show jealousy to the extreme. Those are the control types.
(1b) One behavior we men can look out for with jealousy issues is all of a sudden everyone you ever dated or were married to starts being refered to as that slut, whore etc you used to date. If they are talking about an ex wife you had kids with that can cause some real problems. This happened with a friend of mine. While you don’t have to have a romantic relationship with your ex you do still have kids to raise together. The jealous one could make it much more difficult for you & your ex to be a team in raising your kids. These things usually indicate a really bad insecurities or they need to control everything in your life. Either one can be tough to deal with.
(2) If they have a bad temper it will probably get worse. Many people with really bad tempers many times have mental illness that needs to be addressed. Once again not all people with bad tempers are abusers but 100% of abusers display really bad tempers.
Now none of these are set ins stone & on rare occasions they can change. But these changes can take years so you may want to consider holding off on marriage for at least a year & see these behaviors are really gone. Like Joanne & Sarah said. Anybody can stop for a short time then they rear their ugly head again. Great stuff ladies. Also this list could be a WHOLE LOT longer bit no sense in typing a novel lol.
Thanks for this post. I’ve been through it all and I have to Totally Agree with all the items on the list except for #10 and #14. Never done either one of those.
Another one I want to add is this:
You don’t have to be as good a cook as your/his mother is. They learned to cook by doing it over and over again. As long as you choose healthy food, don’t stress over it. He’ll love your cooking because he Loves YOU.
Fabulous list. I forwarded it to my girlfriend for her insights and thoughts, while letting her know my thoughts on some of them:
1. YES!
2. Let’s get us a cleaning lady; I’ll do my best to help in the meantime.
5. You don’t have a prob speaking your mind; I’m very grateful for that!
7. Seriously, pinch my nose if I snore. I won’t wake up.
8. YES YES.
9. No, it’s for both of us.
10. See 9.
11. Totally true
12. Good thing I don’t do that.
13. YES
18. YES
19. YES YES YES!
.-= Morriss´s last blog ..Flowers just because =-.
@ Alisa. It is probably true of most husbands (still finding the wife hot). There have actually been surveys that prove it. I think the problem sometimes comes in the wife not believing it. I know as my beloveds body has changed with her illness she has had a LOT trouble with her self confidence. But I have seen it from friends who just have normal age changes. Our bass player is a female that most women love to hate because at 46 she still looks stunning. But she has a really tough time with the normal aging process. I can tell my wife over & over that she has been, is now & will forever be my beautiful bride but she has a tough time with it. I wish I had an answer to THAT one (the wife). Anybody got any ideas? lol
@ Morriss. But what do you do when the wife snores? lol I think if I try the hold the nose thing she may sock me in her sleep lol
@ Drummer Guy–Honestly, I think women will always have self-confidance issues.
Don’t forget, we’re in a society that’s bombarded by “do NOT age!” messages! Every other commercial is “look younger, prettier, hotter, younger, have less wrinkles, fights aging, have shiny hair, get bouncy curls, you need beautiful skin, pimples aren’t okay, wrinkles aren’t okay, etc, etc….” It’s kind of hard to rise above that all the time. And it can’t happen for too long. It’s even happening to men lately–you guys too are facing pressure to age gracefully, not have gray hair, get thinner, have whiter teeth, etc, etc, etc. It’s maddening at times, but at some point, we all just need to realize we ARE good enough, pretty enough, handsome enough! We are complete and beautiful and deserving of admiration!
Also, illness can wreak havock on your body and rip away at your self-confidence like nothing else can, I know, I’ve been there. It’s horrible. You may have to keep convincing your wife–eventually, you will. I hope!
I will say that I personally believe that it’s my inner-strength, compassion for others, wisdom and faith in God is what makes me beautiful!
Physically, I have nice eyes and a sincere smile! Everyone tells me I have beautiful hair, but I still don’t believe that.
I don’t think men need to take it personally when their women don’t take a compliment.
Also, I feel the need to add that a lot of times when a woman DOES know she’s beautiful–when she can AGREE that she’s hot or pretty or whatever–at that very minute, she becomes “full of herself, concieted” or a “prissy brat.” As a woman, I know I’m beautiful, I really do. But, if I go around saying that–people will think I’m not nice, and again, full of myself.
As many strides as women have made in this country, we’re still not totally allowed to be (outwardly) confidant in our skin.We do need to learn to say “thank you” though to ANY compliment, whether we believe/agree with it or not–that’s just common manners. We don’t need to argue with compliments, that’s for sure!
But honestly, I kind of think as a woman, I’m damned if I do, and damned I we don’t. I’m sorry to sound cynical, but I’ve talked my friends of ALL ages (21–65) and that’s just how I feel.
That being said, OF COURSE our husbands find us beautiful–if they didn’t, they wouldn’t have married us or stayed faithful to us for as long as they have. You’re totally right @ that! I just wish husbands knew how important it is to keep telling your wife you find her beautiful–even if she disagrees with you–keep saying it, we ALWAYS loving hearing it!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Actions speak louder than words. My husband would tell me he thought I was beautiful but he didn’t show as much physical desire to back up the words so they seemed hollow to me. If just once he would say i was beautiful as he couldn’t keep his hands off me I might have believed it or at least said it didn’t matter what anyone else thought my husband can’t keep his hands off me, he thinks I’m beautiful.
Thanks Sara Liz. So very true. We are bombarded every day with the Victorias Secret models & other images that maybe 2% of females can obtain are the standard type stuff. Men are hit with don’t get gray hair, gotta have 6 pack abs. Hey I always say if a six pack is good a keg must be great lol. I think it would help if people just realized that they need to convince us of that so that we suddenly NEED to buy their product. It is and always has been about making money.
Your also dead on about how this Liver Disease has effected her perception of herself. Besides all of the physical changes it has caused through edema & asicities she is in pain most days. This causes bad depression which magnifies her feeling of herself. All her life she was that beautiful cheerleader, beauty queen type person physically. Still she was very grounded, kind to everyone & never held herself above anybody. In less than a year all that was gone. Once again I tell her all along that she is ALWAYS beautiful to me. I even back up those words with actions. Still giving her the woo woo sounds when she walked by (she always loved that lol) lot’s of hugs, kisses etc. But it is so hard to fight the image she started having of herself. I will never stop doing those things & hopefully someday her image of herself will change. It is quite the battle though. Hopefully like you she may realize through her faith she is a valued person in God’s eyes & mine as well. Thanks for the comments
Joanne sorry to hear about everything. In our case the illness my beloved is going through has once again started precluding physical affection. So I understand your frustration. At one point I had to live celibate for almost 5 years. It is normal to feel rejection even when it is a case of medical issues causing it. But I can’t let her see the frustration in any way because it would make her feel worse than she already does. I have to remind myself that it is in no way her fault & she really would change it if she could. I am indeed blessed to be married to a wonderful woman & need to focus on that. Believe me after dating quite a few women before I met her I know what is out there & it isn’t a pretty picture. It’s scary out there. Quite a few are single for good reason lol. Besides I know she still thinks I am handsome & doesn’t have to jump my bones to prove it.
Manny Blessings from me as well
Very good list, and I’m sure everyone could add some more points to it! I particularly agree with number 1 – when my wife said she was leaving one of her key reasons was that ‘our marriage would never be like her parents’. I happened to think (but didn’t say so of course!) was that her parents are some of the most selfish, self centred people I know, so I’m very glad our marriage wasn’t like theirs!
Everybodys relationship is different, and it’s figuring out what works for YOU BOTH, not comparing the marriage to other people you know or what happend in the movies.
@ Bern. Great point. That made me think. A good measuring point of what our potential spouse will be like may be to look at their parent’s. Probably doesn’t hold true 100% but how much behavior in our life is modeled by our parents? My beloved tells me many times that I am just like my dad. In my case that was a good thing. He was a dedicated family man. I know there are some who intentionaly don’t model their parents behavior as it may have been bad behavior I E drugs, abuse etc. But maybe more of their parents had bad habits & the potential spouse doesn’t see it as bad. So maybe not a rule but could be a red flag to look out for.
Drummer Guy: I guess it’s the argument of nature versus nuture, and I believe it’s a combination of both. I only need to look at my former wife who was adopted (over the 21 years we were together we knew both her biological parents and her adoptive parents) and I can see traits that she has from all of them to a greater or lesser degree – even though we did not meet her biological parents (who conceived her on not much more than a teenage fling, so had not even seen each other for 15 years or so) until she was in her 20s. When I met them I could see strong personality similarities she shared with both of them, even though she had been adopted out as a baby and never had any relationship with them. Me – I think I’m more like my own father, but can see I also have some personality traits like my mother.
However, what I’m really talking about is the theory that our ‘selection’ by our long term partners is in many ways a function of their subconcious need to find someone like THEIR parents, and the crazy thing is that usually it is the traits of their parent that they had the most difficult relationship with is what attracts them (the person in an earlier blog who mentioned they were involved in Imago Therapy will know exactly what I’m talking about!). I know it sounds crazy, but when I read about this, it really put my failed marriage into context and gave me such relief, because I came to an understanding of what went wrong and most importantly, WHY.
I can see that I have a number of the traits of her father (but mainly the ones she views as negative), and because in her own mind she couldn’t resolve these conflicts, once the infatuation, or romantic love, or whatever you like to call it, dissappeared for her, the marriage was in trouble – I just simply wasn’t aware of it at the time, and not for many years. Interestingly when I finally ‘got it’ and tried to work towards strengthening our relationship, thats when she jumped ship as she’d mentally left long ago.
The first time around, I wish I’d known what a mess his family was and how much that was going to influence/interfere with our relationship.
.-= Newlywed & Unemployed´s last blog ..Hot Off the Presses: What I Wish I’d Known Before the Wedding =-.
Very interesting Berg. I have never read or heard of the Imago therapy. I’ll have to look into it. Like you my first marriage ended. In my case due in large part to my changes after my parents passed away. I just shut down toward everybody. I also tried to late to address it. But I have lived & learned. Won’t repeat that mistake again. You also made me think about the similarities between myself & my father in law. Never really thought about it before but I do share some traits between myself & my wife’s father. Interesting. I always heard that we as men marry our mom’s & girls marry their dads. Looks like it may be true lol. My 1st wife was a LOT like mom. Not true with my current bride but interesting.
Bern and Drummer Guy: Ray and I are in marriage counseling right now with an Imago Therapist. We have had some rough, really rough patches but this is the most hoepful we have been in marriage counseling. After our blow up last Friday I don’t know if Ray will be at the next session but if our marriage has any chance at all it will be because of this therapy. Ray finds it particularly difficult because it delves into our intimacy reactions being part of our programming from our parents.
Joanne: I sincerely hope that Ray sees the benefit of continuing – in Alisa’s initial blog and subsequent comments it came through loud and clear that a marriage deserves at the very least that you try EVERYTHING, so hopefully he won’t give up simply because you’ve had a setback, no matter how traumatic. I’m envious though – in my failed marriage one of my huge regrets is that we didn’t really try anything – she just gave up, saying she didn’t want to try; no marriage counselling, so reading books about it together, no talking to our local Priest; nothing. Every few years she would have a meltdown and complain about how I was the cause of her unhappiness, and never a single word or acknowledgement that there was anything she could or should do. It would normally end by me apologising and promising (and really trying) to do better to make her happy, then we’d seem to be ok for a few years until the next time. So, at least you both have recognised that it is worth fighting for, and hope you can get back on track.
Drummer Guy: Yes, it’s an old cliche that women marry their fathers, but in Harville Hendrix’s book he really puts the science behind it. Recommended reading for everyone! Reading these books did give me great understanding of why the marriage failed – basically because of her emotional immaturity she was looking for a father figure, and once the infatuation wore off she no doubt was confronted with the traits she didn’t like in her father and in me as well. so that was that. I don’t really see either of my parents in her – more a need for me to be a father figure (as I come from a family of 7 kids), and I reckon subconciously I was able to parent her in many ways.
So, as a father figure I was a ‘grumpy parent’ some times, and in hindsight could have handled many of our communications much better. At least with better understanding now of what happened and my shortcomings I won’t make the same mistakes again
Sorry, also wanted to add that I’ve read lots of other authors who give some great advice, but Harville Hendrix is the only one I’ve found who gives real science behind the conclusions
I generally don’t post in Blogs but your weblog forced me to, remarkable work.. beautiful …
12 and 13 are spot on for both parties to realize. I think 12 is the reason many of us have to spend time in our relationships discussing how we don’t think other people don’t “get it.” We model what we have observed with all the people we encounter. We have a tendency to do it more with spouses because we interact with them most (usually).
Though it is obvious this is the case, I wish someone would have told me just how quickly a soft answer turns away wrath. I can diffuse agitation in my husband so quickly in the middle of a disagreement by just speaking to him gently and lovingly. The same is true when I am roused and he is talking to me. Just remembering the feeling of your spouse rather than being puffed up and arrogant can move any argument from escalation to calm discussion. Even if we don’t end up reaching an agreement, at least we can tolerate sleeping in the same bed afterward!