A Reader Participation Post
This question came in from a reader:
I have been considering doing surrogacy. It’s one of those “100 things to do before you die” things for me. I have asked my husband several times whether he would allow me to be a surrogate. His answer has been, “No.” Recently a good friend was told that she couldn’t carry a child to term. This breaks her heart. I am a perfectly healthy 29-year-old woman. I could give my best friend and her family a healthy child and fulfill my wish of giving God’s gift to this beautiful family. I want to ask my husband again if he would allow this. I’m afraid he will tell me no again, and I’m dead set on going through with it this time. Would that be completely selfish of me? And if not, how do I go about convincing my husband to allow me to do this?—Womb in Want
Dear Womb in Want,
I’ll tell you what I think, and then the readers here will tell you what they think as well. I’m guessing you are going to get many different opinions. In the end, you are the only person who can make this decision.
This is a comfort zone issue, and you have a much bigger comfort zone than your husband does. The idea of you carrying someone else’s baby makes him uncomfortable. To understand how he feels, think about things that might make you uncomfortable. Since your zone is large, you have to think outside the zone. Would you be uncomfortable if he said, “It has been my life’s dream to sail around the world. I’d like to quit my job and do that” or “It has been my life’s dream to have sex with a porn star. Will you let me have my dream?”
This sounds as if I’m being flippant, but I’m not. I’m only saying that your husband is uncomfortable. To understand what it feels like to be in his shoes, you need to imagine how you would feel if he asked you to step out of your zone.
Then balance that against how you would feel if he allowed you to surrogate. Would it be worth it to you to carry this child if you knew you were knowingly causing your husband extreme discomfort? Then, turn it around. Would you make the same concession for him? Would you be willing to step far outside of your comfort zone so he could fulfill a similar wish?
Another question to ask yourself is this: is this so important to you that it’s worth ending your marriage over?
Those are questions that only you can answer.
That’s my take anyway.
Readers: What’s your advice for Womb in Want?
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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
I think the most important piece of information is missing here.
Why does her husband not want her to do this? An open conversation about why he is so against something that she so badly wants to do is critical. Maybe she does know his reasons and didn’t share them in her question.
Without that information it’s hard to say but my initial response is that it is her body, her friend, and an amazing thing to do. And no one, not even our husbands, can tell us what we are allowed or not allowed to do with our bodies. Additionally, I think supporting our partners whenever we can is critical to a healthy marriage. If my husband’s lifelong dream was to sail around the world for a year, I may be uncomfortable but I would absolutely not stop him, provided we could afford it. Having sex with anyone outside of marriage (even if he could land a porn star) is a deal breaker for most people, myself included.
Again, how this will affect him negatively and his thoughts on it are critical to providing any real advice or suggested solutions.
.-= Cyndi´s last blog ..Grateful For Mother’s Day =-.
I dont know if I have any advice, but i do have some questions. Do you have any children of your own? I personally feel that would affect my decision to be a surrogate. If I already had children, it may be something i would consider, but if my husband was dead set against, then i may have to reconsider. I would value my husband’s decision because he is the man i chose to spend my life with. Your friend may want to consider her other options in order to have a child.
If I didnt have any children, I would fear that carrying another’s child then having to give it away, after sharing that bond, would be too much to handle.
I agree with Alisa as far as whether this is worth ending your marriage over.
While I agree that it is her body, I believe this decision will most certainly affect both of them. If they were both open to the idea, I think it is a wonderful thing to do for someone, for a friend. To help them find a way to bring a child into their lives. But there could be so many reasons the husband is saying no to this.
There are restrictions on intercourse after birth and sometimes during a high risk pregnancy and that would certainly affect him. Also pregnancy and birth may pose a risk to the woman’s health and life, is he worried about her dying in labor, or being on bedrest for several months? And then there is the emotional side of things, is he afraid he’ll become attached to the baby she is carrying, or that she will become attached. The list goes on and on.
So if she is dead-set at going through with this regardless of her husbands opinion, she should definitely ask herself the question Alisa posed – “is this so important to you that it’s worth ending your marriage over?” Because that just might happen. When you make decisions without factoring in how it affects your marriage and your spouse, you set yourself up for problems in your marriage. A marriage is a partnership, and I believe that decisions, such as this, should be made together, as partners.
Wow this is a good one. I usually try to keep my opinions from coming off as strong or harsh. I will try to do the same here. But as to the writer, it seems at face value as if her husbands objections just don’t matter. That can’t be good. While we sometimes disagree with the opinions or reasons for something our spouse may object strongly too we have to respect the fact that they do. To just say I want to do this shows a lack of respect for our spouses feelings. There are many times I may not understand or agree with something my wife may object to. However just the fact that she does object to something would keep me from even considering doing it. The reason she objects doesn’t matter. It comes down to respect. While I may not like the fact that she objects I have to respect the fact that she does.
Also we are not talking about the wife wanting to join a social club or buying something he doesn’t want to spend money on. We are talking about the wife carrying another mans baby for 9 months & bringing another life into the world. This could carry a lot of what if’s. What if the other woman decides she doesn’t want the baby after all (not likely but possible). What if after 9 months his wife decided she wanted to keep the baby? Now the hubby has a raise a child that is not his, pay huge legal bills & probably resent ever being put in a situation to please the spouse. Lastly most states have not caught up to the whole surrogate reality of today. Laws vary wildly from state to state. My point is that being a surrogate is not a small matter. This is HUGE! There would be a LOT of unknowns in this situation. To even consider forcing such a thing on the husband or keep arguing to get your way could be signs of a much bigger problem. As Alisa points out do you really want to risk your marriage to do this? My question would be, are you willing to disregard your husbands feelings to do anything (this or anything else) you want to do? Sorry if I sound a little harsh. I don’t mean to judge as I don’t know that much about her or him, only the question asked. But the question itself could be signs of bigger problems.
Opps I keep forgetting to check the notify me of follow ups. What a goof I am
Oh & great points sassy girl. This is one of the reasons I love this blog. You get both male & female perspective. Keep up the great work Alisa
I agree with the additional questions we would need info on to make an informed decision but I have to say that in some ways I disagree that our body is our own to do with as we like irregardless of our partners wishes. I may hold a more narrow view of marriage but unless our spouse is being totally unreasonable, their expressed view points have to be considered. We don’t have to cow to every thought that is different than ours but I’m sorry carrying another couples child, while laudable, is not a one person decision when in a committed partnership.
To continue without both people consenting would be tantamount to saying that her husband’s opinion holds no weight and we are back to the “Look out for number one” philosophy that has so undermined marriage already.
I would wonder if a one time counseling session with a counselor who deals in this kind of couple decision making would help? It might get to his true objections, give him a sense of rightness about it or at least a clearer understanding of what the issues are that has him objecting.
Clearly this is something that’s important to Womb in Want. While I agree with many of the above comments, it also bothers me that she says her husband just says no. No matter what either partner’s perspective on this issue is, I think it warrants discussion. A decision that affects both partners (like this one does) should be decided together. Of course decisions are going to arise that both parts of a relationship don’t agree with – and talking through those decisions are a big part of a committed relationship.
If the husband has listened carefully to her reasons and explanations of how important this is to her and not explained his objections, there is a clear unbalance here. However, if he HAS explained his objections, and she is disregarding them, that is also a sign of a clear unbalance.
Each partner should have a chance to explain their point of view, and they should each seriously consider each others perspective. Otherwise, they should each consider if the issue is so important they would leave their spouse to have their way. He may decide he’ll submit if that’s the case; likewise, she may decide not to go through with it, if it will mean losing him.
I like the above suggestion of a one-time therapy session, since it provides a moderator that will make sure both partners can express how they feel about the situation.
I forgot to click the followup box to don’t feel bad drummerguy. I texted Ray and he feels as I do that while you have two equal partners in a marriage when one feels strongly not to do something as serious as whether to carry a child unfortunately, the no request should be respected. I understand her desire to help her friends but she made a commitment to her husband and I would feel the same way if it was a man issue. Suppose he decided to have a vasectomy whether or not she agreed or to help an infertile couple by donating his sperm even though she disagreed?
I agree that he needs to explain why he feels so strongly, if he hasn’t already, and we need to assume that he is not capricious and just plain disagreeable but this could be a marriage breaker and is it worth that?
Wow, this is a doozy. I have to wonder whether this marriage is strong in every other respect. If marriage is, indeed, a partnership, then why would womb in want even consider going behind his back?
I know this is a question about the marriage but I have to question this friendship too. Is friendship more important than marriage? Also, while carrying your friend’s baby might seem hunky dory in theory, I bet there’s a lot of jealousies that can arise between the both of you and then for your husband to have to play referee. And what of your health. Lots of scary things can happen when you’re pregnant. I think surrogates shouldn’t be friends beforehand as it’s all just too cozy.
While this is an extremely noble desire, in my opinion, to want to help out a friend, I think perhaps it might be better to help that friend in a different way, rather than provide one’s own body, like guiding that friend towards a surrogate, who would be a stranger, or suggesting adoption. Life has taught me that you never know what is coming down the road. Carrying a friend’s child is fraught with risk for the future of the friendship.
(Also, there was a front cover article in the New York Time Magazine last year on this subject where the writer paid a surrogate that stirred a lot of controversy and might be of interest.)
OK Ray says he didn’t like my diplomatic way of interpreting his dictatorial answer he said “NO, she shouldn’t”. – Joanne
Arrg! Cyndi beat me to it!
It is obviously important to know why he doesn’t want to. Ok, this first possibility sounds mean, but I’m just trying to be clear, maybe he wants her for the way she is. Obviously she is going to change in this process, physically and emotionally. If he is not willing to let her change, than that’s a reason.
There is another, possibly more noble reason also (infact I can think of a couple). Maybe he doesn’t want to give up a baby that was in their family so to speak? I have known surrogate mothers who at the last second didnt want to give up the child. Also having a baby can be physically dangerous, maybe this is a question for him?
Either way, yep it’s your body—BUT—it’s not just your marriage.
Alisa feel free to yell at me if my response sounded too mean, i didn’t intend it to sounds that way.
aguyreader – I hope it isn’t about his body image for her because then they are doomed anyhow. Ray loves me at 170 lbs. and he loved me at 230 lbs. ( at least he says so and is willing to sign it in blood).
I agree with your last statement and in all honesty while I hope her husband has been forth coming with his reasons in the end this is a significant relationship decision that if one of the partners is absolutely against the other has to respect that. We don’t always get our way in a relationship, nor should we expect to.
aguyreader–do I yell? I didn’t think you sounded mean at all.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..It’s Not Him, It’s You =-.
Alisa- I don’t know how this blog stuff works but is it possible to ask her what her husbands objection was? I think it is better to know than speculate.
I think if Womb in Want decides to do it her marriage will be over. I have a friend who was a surrogate for a gay couple. Everything went very well and her husband was very supportive. It was still incredibly emotional and difficult. She cried and cried on the baby’s first birthday (and no, it wasn’t her egg). You can’t make a 9-month commitment like that without being 100 percent supported by your spouse unless you are ready for your marriage to end.
Wow. Way to stir the pot. I’m going to divide my answer two ways: why she should and why she shouldn’t.
Yes, she should do it: because carrying another woman’s child who cannot, and will NEVER be able to (as in they don’t have the parts to do so–or doing so would actually kill them) is very admirable. I think carrying another’s woman’s child, or adopting one, is one of the most tremendous things we, as women, can do for one another. Even just the THOUGHT or offering is terrific! I agree that we ARE married here, but WE are the owner’s our bodies, and the minute we let our husbands decide for us (or, let wives decide for their husbands!) what we do with our bodies we give them all of our power. And that I would never do, I don’t expect my husband to either. My body, my business. Period. I think men should feel that way too! Also, I personally would rather a friend carry my baby than a stranger–why? Because I know the person better, I know the person already loves me and wants the best for me and is not just doing it to be noble and make some $$$. Not that that’s the only reason woman carry other womens’ babies–surrogacy is pretty awesome and anyone who does it I admire greatly! But, anyway, that friend who is carrying my baby–she already knows me, she knows and understands, my deep desire to be a mother and I also know more of that person’s daily habbits…as in, if they’re an overall healthy person. You don’t know that with a stranger. Granted, surrogate mothers HAVE to do (and not do) certain things….but with a friend, you kind of already know-a little bit. She should do it because it’s in her heart and unless her husband has given her clear cut reasons, why should we let our spouses make our decisions for us? We should be considerate of our spouses’s feelings and take them into consideration–but at the end of the day, we can’t turn our backs on our deepest desires just because a spouse says “no”–and if we are expected to do that, than that’s not a healthy marriage to begin with. She should also do it because it’s the gift of life–literally–and she may very well LOVE being pregnant and want to do this for other women too! She may find a whole new side of herself, and be more open to exploring herself when she’s pregnant. If she has children, this is a way to experience pregnancy again without having any more–and if she doesn’t have children of her own–this surrogate pregnancy may make her decide she never wants to be pregnant again and will adopt her children herself. You never know. So, in a lot of ways, I think she should do this. (But not secretly)
That being said…
No, she should NOT do this because: pregnancy is a time like none other. Weird things happen to a woman’s body when she’s pregnant and it changes–drastically. Forget the weight gain and hormones, pregnancy puts a tremendous pressure on a woman’s body and automatically increases pretty much ALL health risks. The woman could get gestetational diabetes, she could be bed-ridden, she could possibly MIS-carry (which would probably put a damper on the friendship too), she could have an extremely difficult delivery and yes, she could die. Granted, every single one of us could die at any given moment, but pregnancy ups the risk. The baby could come out sick or ill–and then the friend might feel (or even find a legal way to blame, and possibly later sue the surrogate, it does happen) that it’s her fault this woman’s child is sick. It could happen. Also, IS she REALLY capable of giving up a child she’s carried for 9–10 months? I don’t think I could. This woman really, really needs to talk to OTHER surrogate mothers and hear their journeys, struggles and opinions. She needs to take into consideration that while in the LONG run, this could be a fantastic miraculous gift–it could also be the BIGGEST most traumatic DISASTER of her life! It could cost her her marriage, and possibly, the friendship. And of course, she’d have to give up the baby too? Is she willing to risk all 3? (I don’t think she’d lose all 3, but it could happen.) Transversely, being a surrogate could also bring the friendship MUCH MUCH closer…and she’d be a close person in that child’s life. What a great story to tell a child! But, in the end, what is more important? Surrogacy is an emotional rollercoaster (what path to parenthood isn’t?), and there are a lot of risks involved. For this possibly surrogate mom, a marriage is at risk. So she needs to decide what is more important, the friendship or her marriage? (We don’t know about her marriage, it may be down in the dumps and this is the straw that has broken the camels back, or this situation could be the first of many problems or and eye opener, just saying.) I personally would have a hard time deciding between the two (marriage and friendship) because my closest friends are vastly important to me–and it is my belief that my both relationships make me better in the other. (Being and having a close friend makes me a better wife, and being a wife makes me a better friend–I need BOTH!) But, I digress. And no, she shouldn’t do this because her husband is AFRAID. He may not say that, because sometimes men don’t like admitting to that, but deep down, I think he’s afraid–for her–for his wife’s health, mental state and emotional capacity to handle such a life-changing event. Because even if you carry a child that’s not yours (which might also bother the husband, some people have a problem with that, maybe he does–maybe he doesn’t?) being pregnant is still a LIFE CHANGING event. Carrying and birthing another human being is unlike anything on this planet–it is Godly and amazing and horrific–all at once, I think. I’ve never been pregnant, but that’s how I imagine it to be. She needs to consider this a little further.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, I agree an open-minded, open-hearted CONVERSATION with her husband is necessary. VERY necessary. Even if she decides not to be a surrogate mother, this is a LEARNING EXPERIENCE in their marriage. This is one heck of an opportunity to learn more about each other–how much you trust, respect and love each other. How you NOW want to go about deciding things together as a couple. Letting each other know your personal boundaries, values about body images/decisions. A discussion about pregnancy and children of your own too. This surrogacy thing–whether carried out or not–can be the best thing that happened to this woman’s marriage.
Best of luck, I wish this woman much peace with whatever decision she makes!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
P.S. Sorry, I just thought of this–to the possible Surrogate Mother: you can’t really be pregnant in secret. It’s kind of hard to hide a growing belly. There ARE women who don’t know they’re pregnant, but your husband (I’m assuming) lives with you, and knows of your desires. So if you got pregnant, eventually he’d know. That would open up a whole can of worms–and rightfully so. Doing something in secret (especially surrogacy) would make any spouse feel angry, hurt, distressed and betrayed. Those are hard things to repair. While I don’t think you should let him decide for you, doing something (anything, really)–especially something this HUGE and life changing–without consulting him, telling him or at least, warning him–that is a flat out sign of disrespect and disregard for your husband. Even if he says no, and you do it anyway–tell him. Because I can gaurantee you–your husband WILL leave if you do it behind his back. He may leave anyway–but he might also open his mind and be willing to listen to you. I don’t know. But, don’t do in secret, it’s just not possible!
Joanne & Ray: I think it’s okay to ask questions on these. Usually I email the person who posed the question and let him/her know that the discussion is taking place. In this one instance, I seem to have somehow deleted the original email.
I will say that she already has two children and they’ve been married for about 9 years. But I don’t know why the husband is against surrogacy. So that’s up to speculation for now, unless this reader notices the post and decides to chime in. Sorry for my disorganization!
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..It’s Not Him, It’s You =-.
Joanne & Ray I must say great minds think alike lol
Actually I have read many of your comments. For a while I have wanted to take a moment to say how much I admire you both. The fact that the two of you have worked so hard to keep the marriage bond strong is heartwarming. We seem to live in an age of me, me, me & well I’m not happy this week so I am outta here. To know that many couples, especially here, are working hard to make a marriage work should be an inspiration to us all.
It’s a tough topic – but without her husband’s support, how could she go ahead and do it and not expect it to interfere with or ruin her relationship? And it’s more than that. Is her friend more important to her than her husband’s wishes? And what of how she’ll feel once she carries a child and then has to give it up? It’s not black and white for sure.
i agree with many of the above posters:
-why is the husband against it?
-has she thought about the other children? the implications of explaining the whole surrogate thing to young children, of being attached to the unborn baby (husband and wife included)
- does the husband harbor feelings like this against ALL surrogate arrangements involving his wife, or just with this particular friend.
- what are the other 99 things on the top 100 list?
I assume that since she’s 29, and you say they have been married 9 years, that they got married young. i don’t know the age of the husband, but I wonder if the previous pregnancies were complicated? or filled with hormones and grumpiness and demanding 3am milkshakes? I wonder if there is something about a pregnant woman that turns the husband off.
there are lots of what ifs to this.
but it truly boils down to: how much respect is in this marriage? Husband is uncomfortable, being respectful of this means compromising the wife’s desires. I think that the answer is NO you shouldn’t surrogate because your husband is not comfortable with it, and doing this behind his back doesn’t fall into that “easier to ask forgiveness than permission” category, since you already know how he feels.
–Alisa, i love these reader participation posts. I give great advice to the poster, then think ‘hey – that would work for ___ situation in my OWN marriage… GOSH I’m a genius!!” (same for other comments – GOSH some of you are geniuses for my marriage and don’t even know it!! thanks!)–
I think Alisa made valid points, as did others.
Here’s my take. If the husband is against this, then she shouldn’t do it. There are complications in being a surrogate – bonding with the child before the birth, legal issues if problems arise, etc. I’m not certain of this, but are there any hormone injections involved in being a surrogate? Those can be risky and hard on the rest of the family – moodiness. And the moodiness during the pregnancy.
I really wish these folks asking questions would give us all of the facts. As in: here’s my position on my question and here’s my spouse’s position on my question. This is like being on a jury and only getting the prosecution’s side and nothing from the defendant. (Alisa, maybe there should be some “rules” on these types of blogs.)
I should ask the one person I know that was a surrogate. If I remember correctly, her husband was very supportive of her being a surrogate. (Also, she shares pictures of the child and he’s beautiful.)
I loved being pregnant with my one child. But I couldn’t be pregnant with a child that wasn’t mine. Just the way I’m built.
My personal feelings – she and hubby need to fully, openly discuss everything they can possibly think of in regards to this situation. Every objection from him and every “I have to” reason from her. Not leaving even the tiniest one out – the one that might seem the smallest issue could very well be the biggest. Together they Need to reach a compromise of sorts – because this is a no win situation. She has every right to go do it without his say – he has every right to walk away if she does. Neither one would be wrong in their action/reaction, and yet neither one would be right, either. Someone Has to give in.
Why does she feel so passionate about doing this ? Why is it so important that it’s on that list ? Could her compromise possibly be to donate her eggs ? She’s young, healthy and no one would have to know. Is she willing to compromise ?
Why is he so adamant that she not do it ? Is he even willing to compromise ? Does he realize no matter how many times he says no, it won’t change her mind ? And he has no right – even as a husband – to force her.
My opinion is counseling – as a couple, definitely and for her as she needs to figure out why this is so important to her. And maybe for him – perhaps there are deed-seated reasons he simply cannot say yes. And – the counseling might help them in other ways. Underlying issues could be there.
Too many variables – no guarantees for anyone – makes for one explosive situation. Especially with no legal papers in place protecting everyone’s best interest. And with her husband being against it, the lawyers, doctors & psychologists would definitely advise her against it, and would advise her friend to find someone else simply because, with the stress in her situation it could cause complications all around.
One of the reasons marriage blogs exist is because of problems like this. But, for me, this is an easy one. My husband does things that really irk me. He buys a ton of guitars and spends endless hours rehearsing his music and often puts his *hobbies* before his family. When we argue about it, he always comes back with the same thing “music brings me a tremendous amount of joy, do you not want me to experience this joy?” He often explains that succeeding in his musical aspirations is a life long dream and as he gets older he realizes he needs to do it now or he won’t have the chance (he is 14 years my senior). In a rational moment when I am able to access my emotional intelligence, I understand his viewpoint and I back off. What he is doing doesn’t really *hurt* me although I don’t always approve of it, it isn’t a “dealbreaker”….Carrying a baby that isn’t yours can cause a whole host of problems. It is hard on the husband when his wife is carrying their own baby for god’s sake. This is one of those “dealbreakers”. It is concerning that this woman wants to be a surrogate so bad. There has to be a reason for that or she wouldn’t be thinking about doing it anyway when her husband objects. If she decides to go ahead with it, she should be ready to end her relationship with her husband.
Hmmm, I can’t say I’ve ever heard of surrogacy being on someone’s bucket list…maybe I’m being really cynical, but after having 3 children of my own, I can’t begin to imagine being a surrogate. Aside from the fact that pregnancy is physically challenging, the emotions surrounding pregnancy are so intense that I’d be very worried I wouldn’t be able to give the baby up, or when I did, I might feel like I was giving away my own child. Why is being a surrogate so important to her? It makes me wonder if there is something missing in her own life, or something from her childhood, that is making her feel as though she HAS to be a surrogate. It seems a bit odd to me that she is so altruistic regarding the idea of surrogacy, but so cavalier about hurting her husband’s feelings…
In the surrogacy field, it is considered unethical to pursue surrogacy if the surrogate’s husband will not agree. It causes many potential legal problems – because any child born during the marriage is legally the husband’s child unless an agreement is reached otherwise. So this reader is setting herself and her friend up for some legal fees in the future should the husband decide he won’t sign away his rights.
After reading the comments so far, I think it’s important to define exactly what a surrogate is. There are many types. There is one type in which a fertilized egg is put in the surrogate mother for the baby to grow (please excuse my lack of technical words). In that case, the surrogate wouldn’t even be the biological mother of the baby.
Here’s what wikipedia says:
Surrogacy or Surrogate means substitute. In medical parlance, the term surrogacy means using of a substitute mother in the place of the natural mother.
In traditional surrogacy (also known as the Straight method) the surrogate is pregnant with her own biological child, but this child was conceived with the intention of relinquishing the child to be raised by others such as the biological father and possibly his spouse or partner. The child may be conceived via sexual intercourse (NI), home artificial insemination using fresh or frozen sperm or impregnated via IUI (intrauterine insemination), or ICI (intracervical insemination) which is performed at a fertility clinic. Sperm from the male partner of the ‘commissioning couple’ may be used, or alternatively, sperm from a sperm donor can be used. Donor sperm will, for example, be used if the ‘commissioning couple’ are both female or where the child is commissioned by a single woman.
In gestational surrogacy (aka the Host method) the surrogate becomes pregnant via embryo transfer with a child of which she is not the biological mother. She may have made an arrangement to relinquish it to the biological mother or father to raise, or to a parent who is unrelated to the child (e. g. because the child was conceived using egg donation, sperm donation or is the result of a donated embryo). The surrogate mother may be called the gestational carrier.
Altruistic surrogacy is a situation where the surrogate receives no financial reward for her pregnancy or the relinquishment of the child (although usually all expenses related to the pregnancy and birth are paid by the intended parents such as medical expenses, maternity clothing, and other related expenses).[1]
Commercial surrogacy is a form of surrogacy in which a gestational carrier is paid to carry a child to maturity in her womb and is usually resorted to by higher income infertile couples who can afford the cost involved or people who save and borrow in order to complete their dream of being parents. This procedure is legal in several countries including in India where due to high international demand and ready availability of poor surrogates it is reaching industry proportions. Commercial surrogacy is sometimes referred to by the emotionally charged and potentially offensive terms “wombs for rent”, “outsourced pregnancies” or “baby farms”.
.-= Sarabeth Geddes´s last blog ..Sweet Memories =-.
My body and my emotions nourished a child. A sweet baby that I felt grow, kick, and express themselves from the womb. The baby became an emotional extension of myself so irregardless of the technical term of surrogacy there is a personal, emotional investment that goes on and can’t be ignored.When my children were finally born they weren’t any more real to me as human beings I just finally got to put a face to the individual. I applaud surrogates because it has to be an amazingly selfless act to carry, nurture then give up that attachment. God Bless them, but all this is not this real issue. Should this be done without the consent of her partner who she made a commitment to.
I agree with Joanne & Ray, it is irrelevant what kind of surrogacy she is considering. The fact it, it wouldnt be her husband’s or her’s biological child and her husband is against it and that is the issue at hand. Will she be selfish (and selfless in her own way) and disregard how her spouse feels about it. She needs to decide what means more to her.
I think we’ve missed one major point here. She already has two children. What if her husband walks away – can she support her kids? Legally, is she positive she’d be awarded them? Could you handle the stress of “losing” her husband and her kids while pregnant and is that healthy for the baby she wants to carry (and give her friend)?
I think unless she can convince her husband to agree, this is just an awful situation and she’d be doing both her friend and herself a disservice to carry this baby.
Hey Heather. This is totally off the surrogate subject but as a musician I found your comments interesting. I also really understand both sides of the issue. Just wondering how old is your hubby? How long has he been playing etc. Just curious. I also have a passion for playing. To really, TOTALLY understand that passion & desire to play music you have to be a musician. I have been in the current band I am in for over 15 years. But our two guitar players & I have played together on & off in various bands since 1981. Man am I that old lol?
I admire the fact that you are supportive of your husbands passion for his craft. I have seen so many musicians who’s wives made them quit playing in bands because they didn’t like it, were jealous of it & so on. All of them then developed a really deep seeded resentment for the wives because of it. Being a musician isn’t just something you do. It is who you are. It comes from deep down within & I can’t really explain it. So kudos to yourself for being supportive.
On the other hand while I do completely understand his passion for playing it sounds like he could use a little balance. As I stated I love playing but also have to keep my priorities in order. Perhaps you could approach him in a calm, non confrontational manner & work out some compromises for both sides. This could avoid any resentments from you & from him. Instead of “I wish you would stop spending so much money on music” (just an example. I am not saying you do that) You could approach it with “honey I want us to work out a budget with your music that will benefit you & benefit the family”. From there the two of you could work out something that allows him to pursue what he loves but also keeps priorities in order. It also keeps both sides involved & supportive.
I love playing & have been doing it since Jr High School. As a band we have reached a level of local success that allows us to play some pretty big shows & get paid very well for them. However we are also all gainfully employed as that love of playing doesn’t pay the bills. I just can’t allow that passion for playing to interfere with my responsibilities as a husband. I also can’t allow my love of music make my wife feel like she takes second place in everything.
On her part my wife totally supports me in my music. Mainly because she knows I have my priorities in order. It requires some compromise from both of us. This way he will know that you support what he is doing. You will also know that he supports what you as a wife & mother do for the family. Both sides will be happy & you can both enjoy his passion for playing. You will also both have the reward of knowing that you are working together for the benefit of whole family.
It seems to me that you do need to have a frank conversation about WHY each of you feels so strongly. Personally I think you want to do a wonderful thing, but it may be hard for your husband to see you pregnant & know the baby is not yours (his).
Also, it does make a difference if you have your own children already. It seems only logical that you would because I can’t imagine someone wanting to have their first child for someone else. How were your other pregnancies? Maybe he doesn’t want to go on an hormonal/emotional roller coaster ride or run out for tacos at 3am.
That said, again, as a woman who has not been able to carry a pregnancy to term & is now (at 39) trying to accept that I will probably never be able to bear my child. The gift you want to give is AMAZINGLY wonderful, but not worth your marriage. While I think he should respect your desire to accomplish this in life, IF after you really, fully discuss to pros & cons with your hubby & he is still adamantly opposed…let it go. Perhaps you can help your friend find someone to surrogate that is able to without causing distress to their own lives.
I think others have said it, and I agree: if they cannot work out an agreement, she has to balance her desire to keep her marriage against her desire to help her friend have a baby. Carrying a baby through the stress that would ensue should the husband not approve would be detrimental to the baby’s well-being. Additionally, it seems to me that it would be worthwhile for her to consider what it would take to go through all the steps that would be required to be a surrogate mother – all of the times she would have to deliberately ignore her husband’s wishes. Then, as someone else pointed out, being pregnant and caring for those two other children and dealing with divorce or separation simultaneously would be a very heavy burden to carry.
If they are able to really think through it and talk honestly about it, hopefully they will get somewhere. Would that she could be a “little bit pregnant!” But if she is reading this, I’d like to wish her and her husband good luck on whatever path they choose.
WiW,
I think you have to see doing this as the possible end of your marriage – even if you “talk your husband into it”. I’m not saying he would or should leave you over this, but it’s certainly a possibility. So, unless doing this is more important to you than your marriage …
Paul
.-= Paul Byerly´s last blog ..Invalidation =-.
I’m in the situation momma.
My fiance is totally against it.
he says he wants to have more kids and is concerned about my health.
as for a comment a read about why not introduce your friend to a stranger surro.
i want to be a surro for a intended parents i’ve never met but if you gotta a friend to surrogate why would you have a stranger you don’t even know carry your child if you didn’t have to?
my man has threatened me so many times and thought about ending it for good a couple times. i have done worse to him (in my opinion, i cheated on him when i was 3 wks preggo but i didn’t know i was i swear and i’m not proud i feel horrible about it daily) and if my decision to do with what i want to my body is going to break us up then we weren’t meant to be. i need to be in a relationship with someone who supports a decision like this.
i agree that your body is not only YOUR body in a marriage however! surrgacy isn’t like cheating, your not risking your significant others health bringing home STD’s, it’s not the same. it’s not the same game.
it’s a genuine gift from the universe and miracle.
man i can’t even get him to approve of a tattoo……both times i have gotten tattoo work done i’ve had to do it against his wishes and will.
am i sorry i did it? NO and i’d do it again and will continue to do it. as he continues to threaten me with a break up however empty they may be it’s still nerve racking.
i’m just hoping his concerns aren’t a sign, like his fears about my health being an indication or a sort of prediction/clue/hint/warning from the universe about the risk i’m taking with my body by doing this.
nevertheless if didn’t do something out fear everytime he didn’t approve of, i would never re invent myself….or clothe myself……or clean for that matter i can’t even vaccume with out being scrutinized for it
Amber this is just my personal opinion & please don’t take it as being harsh. I don’t intend it that way but perhaps you should reconsider the idea of getting married. If you are willing to do things that your potential spouse objects to it COULD mean that you are not ready for a commitment of this magnitude (marriage). When we are married the opinion of our spouse should matter greatly to us. Personally I would never do anything my beloved objects too or feels strongly about. Even if it is something I really want to do. The fact that it would hurt her or make her feel as though her opinion isn’t important is enough for me not to do it. Her reasons really don’t mater. Just the fact that she would object so strongly to is enough for me. As her husband everything I do has an effect on her. It may seem like an unreasonable objection that I may not agree with. BUT if it is important to her it is important to me.
Being a surrogate is a LIFE CHANGING event. It is HUGE. Not a small decision like should I get a new pet (an absurd example but you get the idea). This would change everything about you for 9 months & can risk your own personal health & safety. What if during pregnancy you both discover the child will be born with severe birth defects. Will she have the right to say I don’t want the child? Then who raises it? Pregnancy is FILLED with possible risk. What if after 9 months you decide you want to keep the child? Surrogacy laws vary wildly from state to state. You could incure HUGE legal bills & in many states have no protection. There are a LOT of things that could go wrong. Just some questions to ask yourself.
Also a friend who would ask you to do something that your spouse or even potential spouse objects strongly to is a one sided friendship. It says “I care more about what I want or will make me happy than I do about it having a really bad effect on my friends life”. She should be saying “if he objects to this so strongly I don’t want to cause any strife between you. Our friendship is more important that my wants” There are plenty of people willing to do a surrogacy for her. They can be background & health & safety checked. Anyway that is my personal opinion. You would have to ask yourself which is more important. Helping your friend or loosing your potential spouse?
Marriage is a life long commitment where everything we do not only effects us but effects our life partner. It is also a partnership between two people who have to make decisions together. If it is one sided then why be married? As for the other issues of him scrutinizing everything you do shows a control issue that may give you pause as well. It goes much deeper than objecting to a surrogacy. Perhaps it would be a good idea to look into the deeper issues before commiting to either. As I said just a personal opinion from somebody who has nothing at stake in this. I do sincerely wish you all the very best.
Fertility Clinics really helped a lot in getting my wife to conceive a child. Just make sure you get a reliable one..’”
This post really astounded me as it is not something that would ever cross my mind to do. I too have an outlook of ownership of the body within a marriage that says my body belongs to my husband and his belongs to me. I am certain neither of us would want to do something so drastic to the body of the spouse without considering the spouse. That said, Womb in Want does not seem inconsiderate to me. She stated herself she has approached her husband about the idea numerous times and he has said no. It would be great to have a better understanding of his reason for saying no, but without it I still think WiW should *yes I am pulling out the dreaded ‘s’ word* submit to his wishes. It can be a challenge to make that kind of sacrifice, but we all make sacrifices in our marriages. As long as those sacrifices don’t require us to harm ourselves or others I truly believe they can be made, hard as they may be.
I also think it is important for WiW to explore the reason why being a surrogate is so important to her. Is it only to offer the gift of life to a family who cannot create it on their own? It is because it seems like a really cool thing to do? Would she do it for a stranger as well as a friend? Is she willing to make the investment required for a child she will not be able to keep in her care at the end of the term? All of these questions and others are very important to answer and may give WiW insight into why she wants so desperately to be a surrogate — possibly even more than she wants to remain a wife.
As an aside, I am also curious about whether or not her friend is exploring/willing to explore adoption. Plenty of children — babies, teens, and everything between — need loving people to give them homes.
First off, let me talk about what I know. I know adoption is hell11sh. One minute people see you as a saint when you adopt and offer much support, and then when you adopt, people withdraw their support and turn on you. I could write a whole book on why not to adopt. That said, I don’t think surrogacy by a friend that has a husband dead set against it is the answer either. People need to consider other options. Either the friend that wants a surrogate should prepare to ask another friend or she should convince her husband to bite the bullet and adopt or live child free. Unless she is ow independently wealthy, there’s no way she can even afford to “rent a womb”. I know. I looked into it. Oh, about the outcome of adoption. Even though I would not recommend adoption, the outcome was good after four years of trials. If she is prepared to pay the price, the reward will be worth the sorrow.