Comments on: Is Your Marriage Broken? http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/ Because life after "I do" isn't always so charming Thu, 09 Feb 2012 06:39:55 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: OneHotTamale25 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/comment-page-1/#comment-10223 OneHotTamale25 Tue, 06 Jul 2010 08:34:00 +0000 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/?p=4077#comment-10223 Some great contributions have been made to the comments section of this entry. I was so ready to walk out of my marriage last year after a scant 4 months. (The history between my husband and myself spans much more time though.) I did not think I could handle what I knew would be necessary to sustain and strengthen our marriage. The patience, forgiveness, and and healing required seemed a burden to me. The distance between us didn't help the situation either. I thought it would be so easy to walk away. Like Joanne stated of her situation though, I spent time truly reflecting on whether or not I could cope with never seeing my husband again. The answer to that for me was absolutely not. My husband made an indecision I felt was completely unforgivable at the time, but over time I realized even in the midst of the mistake his love for me had not grown cold. He wanted to salvage our marriage. He wanted to be with me. He wanted to be reconciled to me. He did not want an indecision to cost us our life together. More than that, he wanted to be himself. He didn't want to be who he was becoming. So he sought help, and so did I. I also realized a lot about myself, my standards, and deep abiding fears and how I give power to others when I live through them rather than taking authority over and responsibility for my own life. I realized I could be happy, and I understood I could be happy with my husband even after the choices he made. Now, just beyond 1 year to the day of the devastating blow, I love my husband more than ever. I sincerely hope we have many wonderful years ahead of us, and I know we each have a part to play to make that hope real. I am so thankful that both of us have been willing to try everything, and I have confidence we will continue trying so we can stay together through all the challenges of marriage. One challenge being faced, 63827219 more to approach. Some great contributions have been made to the comments section of this entry. I was so ready to walk out of my marriage last year after a scant 4 months. (The history between my husband and myself spans much more time though.) I did not think I could handle what I knew would be necessary to sustain and strengthen our marriage. The patience, forgiveness, and and healing required seemed a burden to me. The distance between us didn’t help the situation either. I thought it would be so easy to walk away. Like Joanne stated of her situation though, I spent time truly reflecting on whether or not I could cope with never seeing my husband again. The answer to that for me was absolutely not.

My husband made an indecision I felt was completely unforgivable at the time, but over time I realized even in the midst of the mistake his love for me had not grown cold. He wanted to salvage our marriage. He wanted to be with me. He wanted to be reconciled to me. He did not want an indecision to cost us our life together. More than that, he wanted to be himself. He didn’t want to be who he was becoming. So he sought help, and so did I. I also realized a lot about myself, my standards, and deep abiding fears and how I give power to others when I live through them rather than taking authority over and responsibility for my own life. I realized I could be happy, and I understood I could be happy with my husband even after the choices he made.

Now, just beyond 1 year to the day of the devastating blow, I love my husband more than ever. I sincerely hope we have many wonderful years ahead of us, and I know we each have a part to play to make that hope real. I am so thankful that both of us have been willing to try everything, and I have confidence we will continue trying so we can stay together through all the challenges of marriage. One challenge being faced, 63827219 more to approach.

]]> By: Bern http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/comment-page-1/#comment-8673 Bern Wed, 19 May 2010 02:34:48 +0000 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/?p=4077#comment-8673 Whew! A great subject and close to everyone's hearts judging by the number of posts! Reading through them it really does demonstrate that everyone has issues in their marriage, and what it comes down to is the commitment from BOTH partners to do something to improve it. While the details vary in the experiences above, providing there are no seriously destructive factors (infidelity, violence, etc) the critical factors are being committed to making it work, committed to making it better and being conscious in the marriage, not just drifting along blindly. In my own case my marriage ended (her decision) because firstly we were BOTH drifting along, making mistakes, taking the marriage for granted, etc. By doing lots of research afterwards I now know that she is emotionally immature and I think destined to go from one relationship to another over the years as she'll find that life isn't actually like the movies. For my own part, while I thought I was a pretty good husband, I really didn't work on the marriage, falsely believing that our 'ups and downs' were just bumps in the road of life, nothing that we wouldn't work through. For her I think she thought that as life wasn't meeting her ideal of perfection (and I should just somehow 'know' she felt this) that life elsewhere would be better. In my interactions with her since seperation and divorce I would say she's found that she isn't any happier, but is in such denial that any attempt by me to interact better is seen as a weakness which she needs to reject to somehow prove her decision to divorce as being the correct one. Therefore I now just treat any interactions as 'business' - cordial, but no more. Again, not my choice, but what do you do if she doesn't want to 'own' and part of the issues and chooses to blame me for all her unhappiness? I think in her immature world of thinking that life is like the movies she thought that parting from me would have her leading a trendy 'cool' life, our two boys living with her and having a fun old time. In reality our oldest son lives with me full-time and we have 50/50 custody of our 15 year old son, and all 'our' friends were actually my friends, and have remained so, bless them. For my part, I wish I'd discovered blogs like this, and GOOD books on improving marriage (Harville Hendrix and written the best ones I've found as he gives the science behind marriage & relationships, not just some actions) say 10 years ago, as I my have been able to lead by example, improve the way that I behaved, and who knows? Anyway, certainly enjoying and learning from all the discussion on this topic and all your other ones! Whew! A great subject and close to everyone’s hearts judging by the number of posts! Reading through them it really does demonstrate that everyone has issues in their marriage, and what it comes down to is the commitment from BOTH partners to do something to improve it. While the details vary in the experiences above, providing there are no seriously destructive factors (infidelity, violence, etc) the critical factors are being committed to making it work, committed to making it better and being conscious in the marriage, not just drifting along blindly. In my own case my marriage ended (her decision) because firstly we were BOTH drifting along, making mistakes, taking the marriage for granted, etc.

By doing lots of research afterwards I now know that she is emotionally immature and I think destined to go from one relationship to another over the years as she’ll find that life isn’t actually like the movies. For my own part, while I thought I was a pretty good husband, I really didn’t work on the marriage, falsely believing that our ‘ups and downs’ were just bumps in the road of life, nothing that we wouldn’t work through. For her I think she thought that as life wasn’t meeting her ideal of perfection (and I should just somehow ‘know’ she felt this) that life elsewhere would be better. In my interactions with her since seperation and divorce I would say she’s found that she isn’t any happier, but is in such denial that any attempt by me to interact better is seen as a weakness which she needs to reject to somehow prove her decision to divorce as being the correct one. Therefore I now just treat any interactions as ‘business’ – cordial, but no more. Again, not my choice, but what do you do if she doesn’t want to ‘own’ and part of the issues and chooses to blame me for all her unhappiness?

I think in her immature world of thinking that life is like the movies she thought that parting from me would have her leading a trendy ‘cool’ life, our two boys living with her and having a fun old time. In reality our oldest son lives with me full-time and we have 50/50 custody of our 15 year old son, and all ‘our’ friends were actually my friends, and have remained so, bless them.

For my part, I wish I’d discovered blogs like this, and GOOD books on improving marriage (Harville Hendrix and written the best ones I’ve found as he gives the science behind marriage & relationships, not just some actions) say 10 years ago, as I my have been able to lead by example, improve the way that I behaved, and who knows?

Anyway, certainly enjoying and learning from all the discussion on this topic and all your other ones!

]]> By: Joanne & Ray http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/comment-page-1/#comment-8488 Joanne & Ray Fri, 14 May 2010 17:13:03 +0000 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/?p=4077#comment-8488 I agree with a majority of you that it takes both willing to try to make the marriage work, it is a partnership in which both have to show up and do the work. Sometimes though during a difficult time, for whatever reason, there is one partner doing more than another to sustain the relationship. In the short term this is totally OK. There were times when Ray would shut down on me because he just didn't see how it was going to get better. By sticking it out and just daily reminding him of the love and all the "blessings" we have together, I proved his friends and co-workers wrong. I didn't harangue, try to "communicate" every time he came in the room, or break into pieces. I showed that I felt an investment not only in our marriage but in him. He told me he never experienced that kind of love before and wanted to live up to it and give that kind of love to me. It started to turn around then. No one approaches every day and gives it their A game and sometimes we do hit a slump and it just takes time to re-prioritize. Isha's - based only on what I have read, you have given it more than enough time and it is time to go forward and nourish yourself and start to heal from this. Sandi: God I hope with love, time and counseling you can get it all back. Alisa; Welcome back I agree with a majority of you that it takes both willing to try to make the marriage work, it is a partnership in which both have to show up and do the work. Sometimes though during a difficult time, for whatever reason, there is one partner doing more than another to sustain the relationship. In the short term this is totally OK. There were times when Ray would shut down on me because he just didn’t see how it was going to get better. By sticking it out and just daily reminding him of the love and all the “blessings” we have together, I proved his friends and co-workers wrong. I didn’t harangue, try to “communicate” every time he came in the room, or break into pieces. I showed that I felt an investment not only in our marriage but in him. He told me he never experienced that kind of love before and wanted to live up to it and give that kind of love to me. It started to turn around then. No one approaches every day and gives it their A game and sometimes we do hit a slump and it just takes time to re-prioritize.
Isha’s – based only on what I have read, you have given it more than enough time and it is time to go forward and nourish yourself and start to heal from this.
Sandi: God I hope with love, time and counseling you can get it all back.

Alisa; Welcome back

]]> By: Robert Keteyian http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/comment-page-1/#comment-8473 Robert Keteyian Fri, 14 May 2010 02:09:08 +0000 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/?p=4077#comment-8473 I was divorced 25 years ago and married a second time 20 years ago. Both people decide on the marriage. It only takes one to decide on the divorce. If you don't give it your all, you'll be haunted forever because you'll know you didn't really turn over every stone. If you do everything you can and it doesn't work, it's a better (still painful) ending and you will learn more about yourself. If you simply wait for the other person to change, you are doomed. Ultimately, it takes two to make it work. Alisa's example is inspirational--something we all need. I was divorced 25 years ago and married a second time 20 years ago. Both people decide on the marriage. It only takes one to decide on the divorce. If you don’t give it your all, you’ll be haunted forever because you’ll know you didn’t really turn over every stone. If you do everything you can and it doesn’t work, it’s a better (still painful) ending and you will learn more about yourself. If you simply wait for the other person to change, you are doomed. Ultimately, it takes two to make it work. Alisa’s example is inspirational–something we all need.

]]> By: Alisa http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/comment-page-1/#comment-8467 Alisa Fri, 14 May 2010 00:36:55 +0000 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/?p=4077#comment-8467 I'm a little behind on this discussion, but I do want to agree with the point that you can't do anything if your partner isn't willing to try, too. One of the reasons I knew my marriage had potential is that my husband was willing to try. If he'd shut down during that initial "our marriage is in trouble" talk, it would have been a sign that it was time to call it quits. If your partner won't try, that is not guilt that you need to take on as your own. You've done everything that you could. I’m a little behind on this discussion, but I do want to agree with the point that you can’t do anything if your partner isn’t willing to try, too. One of the reasons I knew my marriage had potential is that my husband was willing to try. If he’d shut down during that initial “our marriage is in trouble” talk, it would have been a sign that it was time to call it quits. If your partner won’t try, that is not guilt that you need to take on as your own. You’ve done everything that you could.

]]> By: Sarah Liz http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/comment-page-1/#comment-8463 Sarah Liz Thu, 13 May 2010 23:35:51 +0000 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/?p=4077#comment-8463 Sorry, Drummer Guy, LOL! @Isha--you are absolutely totally 110%...you cannot (and should not) lose yourself respect while trying to do anything! And you're right too in that no one single person can do it all. Period. And no one SHOULD do it all--marriage IS a partnership, a give and take--not a take, take, take and no give at all. That is not how it should be and if it is, then by all means, yes, leave! Appreciation is the name of the game, without it, few relationships (and I don't just mean marriage) survive. No one should endure torture, but then again, if it is WORTH saving, and you can see that and hang on to it, than I say why NOT try? Everyone determines what is and isn't worth it for them. That's true! I think Alisa's ENTIRE point in this post was "try, try, try until you KNOW that you have tried it all and have NO regrets!" She's absolutely right! And so are you in the decision you are making! Again, best of luck! Many Blessings, -Sarah Liz :) Sorry, Drummer Guy, LOL! @Isha–you are absolutely totally 110%…you cannot (and should not) lose yourself respect while trying to do anything! And you’re right too in that no one single person can do it all. Period. And no one SHOULD do it all–marriage IS a partnership, a give and take–not a take, take, take and no give at all. That is not how it should be and if it is, then by all means, yes, leave! Appreciation is the name of the game, without it, few relationships (and I don’t just mean marriage) survive. No one should endure torture, but then again, if it is WORTH saving, and you can see that and hang on to it, than I say why NOT try? Everyone determines what is and isn’t worth it for them. That’s true! I think Alisa’s ENTIRE point in this post was “try, try, try until you KNOW that you have tried it all and have NO regrets!” She’s absolutely right! And so are you in the decision you are making! Again, best of luck!

Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz :)

]]> By: Drummer Guy http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/comment-page-1/#comment-8462 Drummer Guy Thu, 13 May 2010 23:01:35 +0000 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/?p=4077#comment-8462 @ Sara..My Husband? lol. Boy is my wife ever gonna be surprised. Just kidding with ya. It was a long work day & that really made me smile. Thanks :-) @ Sara..My Husband? lol. Boy is my wife ever gonna be surprised. Just kidding with ya. It was a long work day & that really made me smile. Thanks :-)

]]> By: SugarBelle http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/comment-page-1/#comment-8461 SugarBelle Thu, 13 May 2010 22:32:38 +0000 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/?p=4077#comment-8461 Shortly after our 7th anniversary in July my husband informed me he wanted a divorce. We talked more about it, and decided to try counseling,we went to a couple of sessions which I felt were helpful, but a couple of days before our 3rd session he informed me that he had decided he really didn't want to work on our marriage. We went to that 3rd session together, and then I went to a different counselor by myself. I felt amazing after my private session, my heart wasn't going to physically fall out of my body, I wasn't going to die, I was going to be just fine. Then I found out a few days later that he had had 6 different mistresses over the last 3 years. One of them lasting over a year, but he wasn't currently together with her. I *really* realized then that our marriage was broken. One night of drunken stupidity can be a sign that things need to change, but an entire year's worth of putting your efforts elsewhere is unforgivable. He had decided long ago that our marriage wasn't worth his full attention and when I found out, I decided that *I* was worth someone's full attention. It really takes both parties to agree to work together, and if that doesn't happen there really is no saving it. Shortly after our 7th anniversary in July my husband informed me he wanted a divorce. We talked more about it, and decided to try counseling,we went to a couple of sessions which I felt were helpful, but a couple of days before our 3rd session he informed me that he had decided he really didn’t want to work on our marriage. We went to that 3rd session together, and then I went to a different counselor by myself. I felt amazing after my private session, my heart wasn’t going to physically fall out of my body, I wasn’t going to die, I was going to be just fine. Then I found out a few days later that he had had 6 different mistresses over the last 3 years. One of them lasting over a year, but he wasn’t currently together with her. I *really* realized then that our marriage was broken. One night of drunken stupidity can be a sign that things need to change, but an entire year’s worth of putting your efforts elsewhere is unforgivable. He had decided long ago that our marriage wasn’t worth his full attention and when I found out, I decided that *I* was worth someone’s full attention. It really takes both parties to agree to work together, and if that doesn’t happen there really is no saving it.

]]> By: Isha http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/comment-page-1/#comment-8460 Isha Thu, 13 May 2010 22:25:48 +0000 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/?p=4077#comment-8460 Thank you Sarah for your kind words. =) it means a lot. I agree with everyone here on most part but I think to save a marriage, it takes BOTH people to put in equal effort if not more. One person can try all their best, go out of their way to please the other but what if the other doesn't budge? You can only try so much until you realize that it's not worth it, that all your efforts are going against you. I'm very young and I can never see myself living the same life in another 5 years or even another year. It's not even a being young thing, anyone, of any age has the right to be happy and content with their life. If i gave someone the importance, love, a home, i can very well take it back if i'm getting nothing in return. I'm not a saint and I don't think anyone else here is either. I don't understand how people can forget about their self-respect while trying to save their marriage, what's the point of it? If your spouse can't see that you're doing so much for them, they are not willing to be a part of your struggle with you, who are you doing it for? It's just self-torture in the end. And to top that all, i'm a very egoistical person. I believe in equality. I believe in give and take. I'm not capable of giving everything and getting nothing in return and yet keep on giving. That's just not me. It's not necessarily a good thing but that's how I am. I've talked about divorce with him a few times and i feel he doesn't take it seriously. I've come to a conclusion that like most men that i've come across, he also thinks that now he has me, so he doesn't need to work on anything, he doesn't think i'm going to go anywhere..so he can treat me how ever he wants. And i need to show him, i need to make him realize that he's wrong and I've tried doing that. I became a stalker, I became a stranger, I became a somebody and I became a nobody all to no avail. I've failed to understand him. He doesn't express himself or communicate very much and the reason he gives me is "that's how i am" which is not true at all. Because that only applies to me, he's very caring and communicative towards his friends and people that he wants to be like that towards. It's just me who makes him not want to express himself or communicate with me. :s I'm not sure what his problem is. He's not seeing anyone and he doesn't seem interested in anyone either..neither has he told me about anyone so I don't know. Ughhh!!! I must say i need to applaud for all you people here. If someone really wants to save their marriage, maybe they can by trying and trying their whole life. I think you should follow your heart, your instincts tell you, you just know if something is worth it or not. And for you, if you feel it's worth all your life, it's worth all your efforts, then by all means, go ahead and work towards it. But for me, i don't think he's worth it. I don't understand why i've wasted so much time and why i continue to waste more time. It's going to one of these days where I will just get up one day and decide that i've had it. There's a limit for everything!!! Thank you Sarah for your kind words. =) it means a lot.
I agree with everyone here on most part but I think to save a marriage, it takes BOTH people to put in equal effort if not more. One person can try all their best, go out of their way to please the other but what if the other doesn’t budge? You can only try so much until you realize that it’s not worth it, that all your efforts are going against you. I’m very young and I can never see myself living the same life in another 5 years or even another year. It’s not even a being young thing, anyone, of any age has the right to be happy and content with their life. If i gave someone the importance, love, a home, i can very well take it back if i’m getting nothing in return. I’m not a saint and I don’t think anyone else here is either. I don’t understand how people can forget about their self-respect while trying to save their marriage, what’s the point of it? If your spouse can’t see that you’re doing so much for them, they are not willing to be a part of your struggle with you, who are you doing it for? It’s just self-torture in the end.

And to top that all, i’m a very egoistical person. I believe in equality. I believe in give and take. I’m not capable of giving everything and getting nothing in return and yet keep on giving. That’s just not me. It’s not necessarily a good thing but that’s how I am. I’ve talked about divorce with him a few times and i feel he doesn’t take it seriously. I’ve come to a conclusion that like most men that i’ve come across, he also thinks that now he has me, so he doesn’t need to work on anything, he doesn’t think i’m going to go anywhere..so he can treat me how ever he wants. And i need to show him, i need to make him realize that he’s wrong and I’ve tried doing that. I became a stalker, I became a stranger, I became a somebody and I became a nobody all to no avail. I’ve failed to understand him. He doesn’t express himself or communicate very much and the reason he gives me is “that’s how i am” which is not true at all. Because that only applies to me, he’s very caring and communicative towards his friends and people that he wants to be like that towards. It’s just me who makes him not want to express himself or communicate with me. :s I’m not sure what his problem is. He’s not seeing anyone and he doesn’t seem interested in anyone either..neither has he told me about anyone so I don’t know. Ughhh!!!

I must say i need to applaud for all you people here. If someone really wants to save their marriage, maybe they can by trying and trying their whole life. I think you should follow your heart, your instincts tell you, you just know if something is worth it or not. And for you, if you feel it’s worth all your life, it’s worth all your efforts, then by all means, go ahead and work towards it. But for me, i don’t think he’s worth it. I don’t understand why i’ve wasted so much time and why i continue to waste more time. It’s going to one of these days where I will just get up one day and decide that i’ve had it. There’s a limit for everything!!!

]]> By: Sarah http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/05/is-your-marriage-broken/comment-page-1/#comment-8458 Sarah Thu, 13 May 2010 21:47:13 +0000 http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/?p=4077#comment-8458 @ Tigger's first post: "I finally realized that I couldn’t sit in counseling for him. In my case, I couldn’t even move my stubborn horse off the trail and down to the river even though our marriage was dying of thirst!" I know it's NOT funny, and I can't even imagine what you're going through, but this made me laugh out loud--I mean, in life, you have to be able to laugh at things--even the serious heart-breaking things, right? Thank you for the laugh. I wish you all the best! @Drummer Guy: I absolutely adore your story and willingness to share it, not many guys do and it is also an inspiration! I think we could always use a husband's input around here--thank you! @Tired, that's pretty powerful, and if your husband was being honest (which I assume he was) the thought that splitting up never crossed his mind is tremendous. That shows great strength, honor and commitment. Poising that question was the thing you both needed to wake yourselves up, I so admire you for trying! That's awesome! Anytime a marriage CAN be saved and has two willing participants with the same goal in mind, I say, by all means, try, try, try again! Alisa's original post here is absolutely correct, TRY EVERYTHING! That alone could save a marriage! I too wish you nothing but the best, thank you for sharing! @Sandi, talking doesn't always save a marriage. Talking is good, communication is key, but sometimes, it just digs the hole deeper. If someone is changing their minds, waffling back and forth, that's not a good sign--it is not however, hopeless. Keep trying, you have a child together and so you owe it to one another to TRY and keep your marriage alive. It's hard, but it can be so worth it--the fantastic moments and good times make up for the bad! I agree w/ Drummer Guy also when he said that marriage is up/down and a lot of it just accepting that. Totally true! I wish you and your husband the very best! Many Blessings, -Sarah Liz :) @ Tigger’s first post: “I finally realized that I couldn’t sit in counseling for him. In my case, I couldn’t even move my stubborn horse off the trail and down to the river even though our marriage was dying of thirst!” I know it’s NOT funny, and I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but this made me laugh out loud–I mean, in life, you have to be able to laugh at things–even the serious heart-breaking things, right? Thank you for the laugh. I wish you all the best!

@Drummer Guy: I absolutely adore your story and willingness to share it, not many guys do and it is also an inspiration! I think we could always use a husband’s input around here–thank you!

@Tired, that’s pretty powerful, and if your husband was being honest (which I assume he was) the thought that splitting up never crossed his mind is tremendous. That shows great strength, honor and commitment. Poising that question was the thing you both needed to wake yourselves up, I so admire you for trying! That’s awesome! Anytime a marriage CAN be saved and has two willing participants with the same goal in mind, I say, by all means, try, try, try again! Alisa’s original post here is absolutely correct, TRY EVERYTHING! That alone could save a marriage! I too wish you nothing but the best, thank you for sharing!

@Sandi, talking doesn’t always save a marriage. Talking is good, communication is key, but sometimes, it just digs the hole deeper. If someone is changing their minds, waffling back and forth, that’s not a good sign–it is not however, hopeless. Keep trying, you have a child together and so you owe it to one another to TRY and keep your marriage alive. It’s hard, but it can be so worth it–the fantastic moments and good times make up for the bad! I agree w/ Drummer Guy also when he said that marriage is up/down and a lot of it just accepting that. Totally true! I wish you and your husband the very best!

Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz :)

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