Is Your Marriage Broken?
When I first started my marriage project, I didn’t think it was going to work. I saw the project as a way to prove to myself that I’d married the wrong person, that my marriage was beyond repair, and that I was an idiot for feeling guilty about ending it.
Then a strange thing happened. Things got better.
After four months my bad marriage certainly had not been cured, but it had improved so much that I stopped planning my exit strategy. I renewed my vows instead.
I’d love to give you a list of “yes” and “no” questions that could help you determine whether your marriage is broken. I can’t. The only way to find out whether your marriage is beyond repair is to sincerely try to fix it and see what happens.
I put the word sincerely in italics because it’s easy to go through the motions of fixing your marriage. When you go through the motions, you buy books, but you either don’t read them or you don’t practice the exercises they suggest. You go to marital counseling, but you daydream the entire session and you don’t do the homework your counselor asks you to do. You read this blog, but you find one excuse after another to not put the advice into practice.
You think about saving your marriage, but you do not take a strong step in any direction. You just stand still and you think.
To find out if your marriage is beyond repair, you need to stop thinking and start doing—something, anything, everything. Try things that seem silly. Try things that you don’t think will work. Try things that you think are downright insane.
Try everything. When Project: Happily Ever After is published later this year, you’ll get a chance to read about everything that I tried. For instance, you’ll read about how I attempted to learn how to be a better hugger, and how that didn’t quite work. The point is that some of what we did worked. Some of it didn’t.
You’ll probably come to the same conclusion when you attempt to fix your own marriage. You won’t be able to predict what will work until you try it. What works for some marriages doesn’t work for others. There is not one blueprint to follow.
More important, you won’t know whether things are beyond repair until you give it your all for at least four months, if not longer.
One marital counseling session is not enough.
One argument is not enough.
One book isn’t even enough.
Try everything. If nothing works, then it’s broken.
For my readers who have ended a marriage, how did you decide it was time to give up? How did you know your marriage was broken? What advice can you share with others here who are pondering whether it’s time to give up.
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Tags: save your marrage
May 12th, 2010 at 9:58 am
Joanne- I was so depressed that I had left Ray, thinking distance would help. That lasted one month and being without him was even more painful that the aloneness I was experiencing within our marriage. I went back with the promise from him that if we couldn’t repair it he would leave the next time. Nothing we were doing would work so I got the book Surviving Divorce after 50 and was prepared to try and survive the divorce and go on with my life. I was in the bedroom reading, Ray was in the kitchen, the silence had a weight and dimension of its own when I started to read Chapter 11 ” Before you end the marriage” which discussed different types of counseling and the one question we all need to ask before we walk away ” Can I imagine never seeing this person again?” and understanding that it is a death of sorts, which includes grieving.
I called Ray into the room and explained to him that he was such a part of my heart that when I left I would forever be leaving a part of myself behind and that there had to be some way to get “us” back. He saw the book I was reading and I think it really shuck him up. We read chapter 11 together, we cried alot, then we tried counseling one more time. This time though we understood this was do or die and so much was at stake.
We are in a much better place now. I can say this even though since Monday I have been angry with him. I would have let this fester in the past until it got bigger than both of us but now……I’ll pick the right time, usually in the morning when we cuddle before the day hits us, and I’ll tell him I’ve been angry and I’ll try to explain why. He’ll actively listen, and if it is within his power he’ll make it better, sometimes it really is just the menopause making me nuts.
This is such a hard world to find happiness in, if there is love it is worth fighting for, if there was ever love, it is worth finding again.
May 12th, 2010 at 10:49 am
This post is definitely for me, as I am about to start divorce proceedings. This is what happened and there are a lot of things I know I didnt do correctly, i will place an * on those places.
Me and Mike met and fell in love quickly and i got pregnant quickly, within a month of dating *. Since it happened so quickly, I told him he didnt have to be a part of it and he accused me of it not being his child. He later came around and was very supportive. We ended up moving in together before the baby came, i bought a house *. We were great up until we decided to get married, when the baby was 7 months. We kept our finances separate and contributed to a joint account for bills, house, etc. I knew that i made more than him, so i didnt mind making up the financial slack as long as he was pulling his weight. Now i did all of this with him without knowing for sure what he made, never saw a stub* We moved ahead to get married and i took care of the costs and was to use the money from the wedding to reduce the debt i occurred planning it* 2 days after we get married he tells me he hasnt taken care of some of his bills, so i take some of the wedding money to get him caught up and discuss with him depositing his funds in the joint account and paying his bills from there to make sure they get paid.* He agrees. Some weeks he gives me what i consider a good deposit, other weeks, i get what i call a crappy deposit. All this time, I am here, alone, trying to figure out how to pay my bills, his bills, house bills and baby responsibilities with him not showing any interest in how this gets done – while he, buys beer when he gets his checks, goes out with friends, etc. He also occassionally dipped into the joint account to do things with friends without consulting me. So now, I am getting pissed off, offended, disrespected and i start to resent him. I tried on numerous occassions to talk to him about and express to him how i feel about the situation and the things i need to change, because when i cant pay my bills, I am not happy, and because he is adding to that stress, I am not a big fan of him. He would make a difference for the first week and go back to his antics. So then our relationship starts to take a beating, the intimacy is going away, i turn to books and the computer to distract me from all the stress. However, me reading or being on the computer upsets him because i dont want to be with him. I tried explaining to him whats going on, but he doesnt get it. I suggest counseling and he shoots it down. This awful cycle continues for over a year. I am upset within the marriage because i feel that i am the only one that cares about the finances and all the stress is on me, he is upset with the marriage because he feels that i dont like him anymore and there is no intimacy. We FINALLY go to counseling and discuss a few things and he doesnt like the counselor because he feels he sided with me when all he did was suggest different ways to handle the issue.
At one point, his mother and step father move in*
As of March, he just stopped coming home and around this time I was trying not to be as angry with him about the finances (even though nothing changed) and to try to give him the attention that he needs. i minimized my reading and computer time (note, i rarely go out because my friends here are limited). But at this time, he is SO unhappy that he just stops coming home. Since his mom is at the house she is seeing this and isn’t happy. She talks to him, his stepdad talks to him, I talk to him. He admitted he was wrong, however, he still did it about 4 times after that. we decided to give it another chance around easter, and i expressed to him that he can not just not come home. Two days later, he doesnt come home, at this point I have had it, I am done. He moved out in April.
I am still in counseling and when I told him i was filing for divorce, he then decides to go to counseling, but its too late for me – too much damage has been done and I just need to move on.
It all comes down to him having faults with my personality and me having faults with the things that he did (i.e., smoking, drinking, messing up with finances, choosing his friends over his family).
Sorry this is so long winded, but I fought for a long time on whether I tried all i could do to make it work, but I cant do it alone and I am beaten down and now just need to move on and take care of my daughter the best I can.
May 12th, 2010 at 11:10 am
Excellent post! I was there. Ready to end it. Even looking forward to getting it over with. I read everything I could get my hands on. We separated and started marriage counseling as a last ditch effort but I had little hope that it would help. It did not. We went weekly for months and did nothing but yell and cry and grow further apart. It finally occurred to me that our emotions were running these sessions. The counselor was doing very little to manage the direction of our discussions. She sided with me on everything. While that part made me feel better, as in, “See, I AM right.”, it wasn’t helping our marriage. We finally decided to switch to a different counselor. The dramatic change was almost immediate. He forced me to look at my roles even in situations where my husband had done completely unacceptable things. He was in control of these sessions and they rarely got out of control. After 5 months we re-united. That was 2 years ago. We are completely different people today with a completely different and happy marriage.
Cyndi´s last blog ..Flying Solo ~ Part V
May 12th, 2010 at 11:48 am
Alisa, your blog has been giving me nightmares. My ex keeps entering my dreams!
So, what advice? I would say to start applying your suggestions as soon as you realize there’s a problem. I waited way too long.
My marriage to my first husband, whom I loved deeply, started to go on the rocks very early, because I wanted to return to the USA and he said that if we moved away from France it would “break” his mother’s heart. Hmmm. So, I figured why put the two of them through such trauma? My husband and I already had one child. We had two more. We were a very happy little French-American family. Then we ran into more problems. We went to a marriage counselor, a FRENCH marriage counselor, who sided with my husband with regard to sex. Ie. I should be satisfied with our sex life, which I wasn’t. Again, your suggestions would have helped out greatly since they address both members of the couple.
More time passed and I made friends with an Englishwoman, who proceeded to seduce my husband, after I told her about our problems. They had an affair that lasted one year.
I know, I know. Information overload already. My point is that there were several times in the first 10 years of marriage where red flags were waving, despite my love for my husband.
I realized the marriage was broken around year 15 or 16. Whatever I said he would contradict. If I said black, he said white. Etc. And, again, your exercises would have come in handy, Alisa. Leaving the marriage and moving home to the USA seemed monumental, so I stayed “for the kids”. I decided to get a divorce after I met Sven.
I kept hoping things would improve. They only got worse. And one of my daughters still sees the whole mess created by the divorce as my fault, so you really cannot win.
Best to try and solve things when you first realize there’s a problem.
May 12th, 2010 at 11:59 am
Cyndi; You are so right about the counseling. The first two times we tried counseling, there were tears and fights and the second counselor beat up on Ray so bad I was surprised he would ever agree to try again. I found myself defending him. When we selected this type of counseling we are in now “Imago Therapy” I made sure to pick a female counselor (Ray talks easier to women and they are so responsive to him “Everyone loves Raymond)” and I said you can not approach Ray by beating him up.
After 3 months, every other week, we have accomplished alot. We know that in Ray’s house love and intimacy didn’t exist so he never learned how to meet those needs in another. We also learned even though I was one of 5 children I was ignored and left to raise myself so to speak. So when I yell, Ray retreats, when he retreats, I feel abandoned.
Ray wants to meet my needs, I understand that now, he just didn’t know how and he felt as if he was failing me. I don’t want to be a screamer, it isn’t in my basic nature, I would only yell at him, so I have had to learn to admit I was hurt to him instead of lashing out and allow him to make it right. He rarely makes the same mistake twice.
I did look for support with counseling, and especially this blog with all you wonderful people ready to give us all your thoughts with love and respect mixed in.
I texted Ray during lunch and he agreed about the counseling although he’s getting abit upset with this counselor because it appears she keeps hammering me about the yelling when he says I haven’t yelled at him in 3 months. Tomorrow when we see her it will be interesting to see if he says something to her.
May 12th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Oh Alisa, you are so right, alas I wish you were not. Especially when I read this phrase: ‘One argument is not enough’.
I hate these arguments. I try to make progress, because I know that they are sometimes needed to get the point across that something is really a problem, but I’m not sure my spouse sees this the same way. She’s sort of in a: if she argues she trying to make a point, if I argue it’s me trying to be mean or in a bad mood place.
May 12th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
from Ray- Aexandra you are so right. I just wanted peace so I tried to keep a low profile when Joanne would try to tell me something wasn’t right. I did that as a kid and that is how I learned to handle conflict. Instead of dealing with each problem as they came up, it took until enough problems amassed that it almost cost me everything I loved to face it and decide to fight for it. I’m glad Joanne forced the issues now because we are growing and our love is even better than the love that brought us together.
Face the problems, put them out on the table, so they aren’t between you anymore.
May 12th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
aguyreader- For quite a while Ray would say it was just the menopause as if we didn’t really have a problem I was just hormonal, and to an extent he could even have been right but that isn’t the point. There is an issue that is impacting our happy marriage it needs to be addressed and confronted (Productively with love and respect, never raising your voice, or being snide) so that both parties can come to a compromise.
In marriage I don’t think it is always about being right but being in harmony as often as possible and right and harmony are not synonymous.
May 12th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Sabrina, as much as I believe in trying to save a marriage, and some people are fortunate enough to have it work out beautifully (i.e. Alisa, Joanne & Ray) some are not as fortunate.
I personally believe that anytime a person rushes into moving into together and/or marriage, there is an automatic risk for an unhappy marriage. I’m not saying that it CAN’T work out, but most do not. It’s biological actually, when we’re with someone new we are literally not thinking clearly–we’re in LUST, and want the physical fun and happy times–with very little–if any–reality involved. The “in-love/lust” process where dopamine and seratonin are SURGING in our brains (so we WILL want to pro-create) can last up to 3 years, that’s something to think about.
The responsibilities of sharing a house, making it into a home, a baby and marriage itself is often overwhelming for people–I’m not making excuses for your husband–and my husband and I do not have children–but even for me, it was overwhelming at first, my husband too.
In fact, I don’t think there’s a person alive who hasn’t felt overwhelmed by marriage and parenthood at some point.
Anyway, my point is, that I honestly believe you are doing the right thing. It is just not safe, healthy or even admirable to stay in a marriage where you are the ONLY one trying to work it out.
It is not a good example to set for your children, and while the marriage vows say “for better for worse, for richer, for poor, in sickness and in health,” you should usually have BOTH of all three of those.
It sounds like you gave your husband plenty of chances, and if his own parents were willing to see the error of their sons’ ways, than yeah, you’re absolutely doing the right thing.
You just cannot allow someone to burry you financially who also doesn’t care to share in the responsibility of sharing time, and parenting. I believe in equality, and both spouses should TRY and share different responsibilities equally. (i.e. I’ll take care of the housework, you take the baby for an hour while I do so. I’ll physically pay the bills if you make sure there is money to do pay them with, etc, etc.)
And like Alisa says above–ONE counseling session will not work, and most times, a person–or a couple–has to see SEVERAL therapists before they find the one that works for them.
It sounds to me like your husband wanted to play house and when it wasn’t what he thought it would be, he tried to constantly escape it–and that’s sad.
Please note I’m not calling your husband a bad man, he probably does love you and your baby very much–sometimes, though, people can’t figure out a way to actively show it. We all give and receive love in different ways (Gary Chapman’s “Love Languages” should be required reading before marriage!).
I can’t imagine how much hurt a divorce must bring, the anger, and everything else. But, again, I think you’re doing the right thing.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
And after so much time and effort and energy, with little to no improvement (or even a sincere willingness to try)–yep, time’s up. (Sometimes the willingness is enough–my husband and I go up and down at times, but at the end of the day, we’re always WILLING to keep trying. We might know now exactly how, but our loyalty to each other is what prevails–a willingness to keep going. If we didn’t have that, I hate to think where we’d be today.)
That said, of course you did some things wrong–we ALL do. I think it takes two to make a marriage and two to break it. A divorce is NEVER one person’s fault entirely–and there’s a lot that went on between you and your husband–resentment, anger, broken promises, failed trust. You probably got very angry and hurt and when trust is broken consistently, it’s very hard to repair. Yes, you do need to take responsibility for your part in this divorce, but for the most part, you are not wrong in filing for one.
I wish you and your children the best of luck with this new chapter of your life. And I hope you someday find (if you want it) the partner you deserve.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
May 12th, 2010 at 12:24 pm
Re: Joanne & Ray: this is terrific–”In marriage I don’t think it is always about being right but being in harmony as often as possible and right and harmony are not synonymous.”I’m writing it down and putting it on my wall, so true–you two are such an inspiration!
May 12th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Alisa another great post. So glad to see that you stuck out the bad times & tried EVERYTHING to repair damage done. Very admirable & I am sure it gives yourself, along with Cyndi & Joanne & Ray a great sense of acomplishent that you made it work. May there be MANY happy years ahead for all.
aguyreader I hope yourself & your wife can work things out. Keep up the effort. Nothing can’t be overcome. Of course there are exeptions like abuse, severe alchohol-drug abuse type stuff but most matters can be addressed & resolved. Best of luck.
Sabrina it sounds like you have an emotionally immature husband. I would wonder how old he is? Not to excuse the bad behavior at all but has he ever tried to get at the reason he is the way he is? Counseling on that could resolve a lot of problems. Perhaps the filing of divorce is the wake up call he needed to finally make him address it. Perhaps it has too far gone but if you know you have tried EVERYTHING & it still doesn’t work then you can end it knowing you honestly did your best. While the behavior is inexcusable you would be surprised at how we can forgive when we have been wronged. Best of luck to yourself & everybody here. There is nothing quite as rewarding as a happy marriage
May 12th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
@ Sarah Liz, thank you for your kind works, they have teared me up.
@ Drummer Guy, I am 28 and Mike will be 29 in September and I have to agree, he is immature and selfish. He does the most he needs to get by to make me feel like he is doing what he has to, but once the storm is over, he goes back to the same behavior. Like my counselor said, he is like a child testing me to see how much I can take – and I cant take anymore. He wants the single life. He wants to be with his friends, spend money however he wants, come home when he wants, drink and drive, smoke till he is so high i cant see his eyes. And it surprises him that these are things I cant accept or live with because to him, what he does is who he is and its not going to change.
After feeling a lot of guilt about my decision, I now feel that this is the best decision for me and my daughter. I dont need the negativity and toxicity of the relationship. I wanted a partner in live and love, not someone i had to take care like he was my child.
May 12th, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Sabrina: I am so sorry for the hurt you are going through but sometimes a marriage just can’t be repaired because it wasn’t fully functional to begin with. I am going to go out on a limb and say that it sounds like all your husband was was another child that you had to care for and pickup after (financially & emotionally) and that isn’t a marriage. In every marriage it isn’t 50/50 sometimes it fluctuates radically even but it doesn’t sound like you ever had a true partner.
Just for your own sake examine what attracted you to him, what signs you maybe should have seen so you don’t repeat them. Ray is my second husband and while we obviously had very serious painful issues to work through he is nothing like my first husband and for that alone I love him.
Good Luck
Sarah Liz- unless you are 100 years old you are wise beyond your years.
May 12th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
@joane and ray: I’m not sure what you mean or if it really applies to me.
I’m not making any accusations. I’m just saying what has happened so far.
May 12th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
@ Sabrina: “I dont need the negativity and toxicity of the relationship. I wanted a partner in live and love, not someone i had to take care like he was my child.” Absolutely! Even though we women joke (at least my girlfriends & I) about our husbands being our first child–the reality is, that as a married person, we all deserve an adult.
@ Joanne & Ray: if I’m 100, I look darn good for my age! LOL! I’m actually 26.
Thank you both for your kind words!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
May 12th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
aguyreader- I was agreeing with you that even if it is uncomfortable things need to be brought out and dealt with.
May 12th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
I’ve ended two marriages. Neither was easy, but when looking at staying, that was even harder.
My first marriage ended mostly because we were on different pages, in different books. I was young and recovering from the death of my mother when we got married (besides being 5 months pregnant – dress had to be altered to fit me). The stress of the marriage and new motherhood was nearly killing me and I figured if I stayed, I would die, literally. He always told me if I left, I’d have to leave our daughter with him. I figured it was better that she have a mother alive somewhere, than a dead mother. A few years after the divorce and shared custody, I got our daughter full time. He hasn’t seen our daughter in 18 years, due to his lack of interest or follow thru on seeing her. I was also afraid to leave because I read a book that stated my standard of living would drop to 1/3 of what it was. We were pretty comfortable. Yes, my standard of living was greatly reduced (no alimony and minimal child support when I did have custody of our daughter) – but I was so much happier and healthier that I didn’t much care – even if finances were difficult at best.
My second marriage should have never happened to begin with. But I stuck it out nine long years. Mostly because my credit got completely destroyed during the marriage. I did a very foolish (stupid) thing and took on not only a husband, but also his debts and bad money management. When we first met his business was going bankrupt due to his and his partner’s bad financial habits. I should have known better, I was an accountant and was struggling myself – but keeping my bills paid.
By our ninth anniversary I was DONE!!!! Tho I didn’t say anything or do anything. I had gone back to work, with the agreement that 1/2 of my pay was for me to do as I please. Well, shortly after I started working he got laid off. He would literally spend eight hours a day on the internet looking for work. (It really doesn’t take that long, I could look for work in about 2 hours a day.) He wouldn’t map out directions to job interviews and would call me at work for directions. Then he would lie when he showed up late to the interview, saying traffic was bad. The final straw was when a friend offered to pay him $500 in cash to work for him for 1 – 2 days and he refused the work, stating “I’ll miss out on looking for work” and “I’d have to report the income to unemployment” (duh, the $500 is more than the $240).
When he refused the work, I handed him our joint checking account (I’d already gotten one in my daughter’s name) and the bills I felt he was responsible for (the house we lived in in Florida that was in his name, his credit cards [I didn't have credit cards, since my credit had been ruined years before], etc.) About a week or so later, he asked for a divorce – he knew I wasn’t going to support him anymore.
This is the same guy that had an internet porn habit during our marriage. And years after the divorce I found out, from him, what he actually had been doing those eight hours a day on the internet looking for work. 1. Porn, 2. trying to see my daughter naked. No, I never suspected he would try to see my daughter naked. He’d been a good step-dad for nine years. I guess a developing girl was just too much temptation.
My advice – is it truly them that is broken, causing your marriage to be broken or is it you? I say this only because, I thought my current (# 3) marriage was broken. It had some bumps, but mostly I was broken due to my childhood and prior relationships. I’ve since gotten me fixed and the marriage is much better. It’s not perfect. But I don’t spend my days wondering how he could possibly die that day. And I’m not wishing for him to take a business trip every week. In fact he’s been on five business trips in three months and I’m getting a bit bothered by it. He was never gone when I was hating him, how come he’s gone so much when I’m not hating him? (I actually said this to my husband before his last trip last week.)
May 12th, 2010 at 10:49 pm
@ Joanne & Ray – Like you, once we found a counselor that “fit” we were able to get past all the resentment and anger and see where each of us were coming from and why. It all goes back to what what was modeled for us growing up and once we realize that our perspectives are skewed (by childhood abuse mostly) AND different due to our own individual experiences, it becomes much easier to see each other as flawed humans, just like we are, instead of this evil person who we can no longer tolerate.
May 12th, 2010 at 11:04 pm
All of you are such nice hearted individuals, it’s over-whelming in a way. I just wanted to share my story and ask if any of you can suggest anything. Note: i hope all of you understand where i’m coming from and don’t judge me in any way..can i expect that much? Let’s get started.
So basically i got married to my bf as soon as i turned 18. I’m turning 21 soon and i’m not really sure how old he really is, around 28/29? We’ve been married for almost 3 years now and we don’t have any kids (THANK GOD) Now to understand my situation, i think i need to tell you guys a few details. I got married to him without telling my parents because i knew they would never agree and at the time, i wanted to help him out as he was going to get deported since he was a refugee. We dated for about 4-5 months before getting hitched (you can already spot some red flags) Anyway, so my parents found out 10 months later because someone told them (from his side cause no one from my side knew about this, not even my friends) and when they found out, i went through hell. For a month and half, i was literally house arrested. I filed for a divorce and cancelled the sponsership but a month and half later i withdrew the divorce, left them and moved in with him and re-applied for the sponsership. My parents told me that I had to leave him if i wanted to stay with them and I didn’t want to leave him at that time and what ever that they were told of him was wrong so i left. That was 2 years ago and since then things have gone downhill gradually and today i’ve thought about divorce atleast 17897989678698 times or at least moving out. I now feel that even if he changes himself, i can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him. There are way too many issues which include, my parents have not accepted him or our marriage, his family has done nothing to work the differences out, he has done nothing..he refuses to take care of me and my expenses. Its come to a point where i don’t remember the last time we had sex. Oh and every time i would initiate sex before, he would always make excuses like he’s tired or not in the mood and so on. And he made me feel guilty by saying that all I want from our marriage is sex all the time. I didn’t understand what he meant by that because he didn’t show any form of love, be it a hug, a kiss or even just holding hands or just doing small acts of affection. I don’t think I love him and I don’t think he loves me, I honestly think he’s just after the papers (even though he does nothing to keep me happy and satisfied until he gets the citizenship) I stay with my parents most of the time and he seems to be fine with that.
Other issues I have with him are that, he’s very dishonest, he’s broken my trust a lot of times, he puts his friends before me even after what I left my family for him. He becomes a totally diff. person in front of my friends so when I tell them abour our differences, they think I’m exeggerating it because they don’t see him like that. They think highly of him and that frustrates me. I can’t talk to my family because they already don’t like him so anything that i say against him will give them another reason to try to convince me to leave him.
It’s a very dysfunctional relationship and the most important thing is that i’ve been unhappy from a long time. My family doesn’t approve of him, some of my friends don’t approve of him and now I don’t either. The only reason I’m waiting now is to see if he can bring any changes to himself anytime soon. My birthday is a few months away and on my last birthday i promised myself that I’d get out of here if things didn’t get better by the next and until now, they haven’t gotten better.
I find myself in a very confused state, i’m not sure what my relation to him is..so i find it hard to tell people what he is to me. I kinda feel embarassed sometimes to be seen with him and I tell strangers that i’m not married (i choose to keep my personal things to myself)..and i know that saying that about him is very disrespectful but i have no idea what else to do.
I’m not sure if i covered all the points (probably not) but what ever i’ve told you, please let me know what you guys think and what i should do. Thanks a bunch!
May 12th, 2010 at 11:44 pm
Hi Isha, welcome to the discussion! Honestly, I think you’ve answered your own question, you just don’t know it–or don’t want to admit it. Go back and read what you wrote, it’s pretty obvious. You know what you want to do, you just don’t want to have to do it. That being said, if there is any hope at all–if you’re BOTH willing to work on this and make a concerted effort towards openeness, honesty, forgiveness, communication and re-building trust, than it could very well work out. Like I said to Sabrina, though, once trust is broken, it’s very hard to repair and the person who broke must honestly seek forgiveness. Also, like Alisa has said before–if you go on telling yourself (and others apparently) that you’re not married or can’t/won’t do this (stay married) than that is the outcome you’ll get. If you tell yourself good things about your husband, tell OTHERS good things about your husband–surround yourself with other happily married couples or even, couples who are working on their own marriages–than the outcome MIGHT be different. Often, we get so caught up in our stories that we create a whole new truth. Personally, the no sex thing would my breaking point, but that’s me. Everyone on this blog knows that about me. LOL! Anyway, in all sincerity, Isha–I wish you nothing but the best. But I think you know what you want–knowing and doing are two very different things. Thank you for sharing, and believe me, there is rarely any judgement here–because we ALL are struggling in our marriages–and if we aren’t–we remember a time that we were! That’s why we’re here! You deserve happiness, and greatness and I hope you find it with your husband. If not, you’ll still be okay.
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
May 13th, 2010 at 3:33 am
Excellent article – so right that you shouldn’t give up until you have tried EVERYTHING. It’s coming up to 3 years that I’ve been trying to rescue and rebuild my marriage, and I’ve tried lots, some with more success than others.
Included in trying EVERYTHING, you should try doing NOTHING – that’s probably been my most successful technique! Months of having big conversations, writing little love notes, writing bigger letters explaining how I feel, giving thoughtful presents, trying to arrange evenings out together… no progress.
Then I told her I was, finally, giving up. I didn’t move out, we agreed to continue sharing a home and bringing up our children together for the time being, but sleep in different rooms and have our own lives. I stopped giving her little surprise presents, buying flowers, discussing our relationship, making any overt effort to win her over.
After a couple of months of this, we started drifting back together. Turns out that when I was trying really hard, she just felt like she was under too much pressure. She was the one who had wanted us to split up in the first place, and all my attempts to woo her back just put her off and drove her away. She’s a stubborn lass, and detests anyone trying to encourage or push her into doing anything, her instinctive reaction is always to push back and go the opposite direction – and so my efforts to get closer just made her want to get away.
With the pressure off, she was able to re-discover her affection for me without feeling like she was being pushed into anything.
We’re still a LONG way from where I’d like us to be, the marriage is not all better, but this time last year we were arranging lawyer appointments, now we are discussing what we’ll be doing in 30 years time and assuming we’ll be doing it together.
Of course, this particular method is highly personal to our situation and my wife’s character, so is not guaranteed to help. But, as Alisa says, you should try everything before you give up, so don’t give up until you’ve tried doing nothing (particularly if your spouse is the stubborn type, or someone who hates being pushed into doing things).
May 13th, 2010 at 6:41 am
This is a very good post. All of them are actually. I recently just reconciled with my husband. I am 26 and was engaged to be married at 23, way before I was ready. I am from a traditional Catholic family and only wanted to move in with my husband (boyfriend at the time). At this point we had dated for 4.5 years and felt this was a logical step. My parents would not hear of it and suggested that we get married instead. (It would have been a sin to do so and looked down upon greatly in my culture.) I really didn’t want to, but he asked and it’s what I know would make the family happy, so I did it. I don’t blame them for any of this. I should have said something. Stood my ground, my family would have loved me regardless. But I didn’t. Fast forward to me being married for only 10 months and basically telling my husband to move out of the house that my parents bought us and that I wanted a divorce. I just felt like I was 25 and I had so much I wanted to do in my life and my marriage was just too much for me to deal with at that time. He was heart broken and I selfishly didn’t care. So, we started the divorce proceedings, he cried, we talked, I dated other people, he dated someone else, I got offered to work overseas by my work and accepted it. It was a whole year that went by and it was like a huge slap in the face when I realized that I still loved the son of gun and wanted to be married to him. We stopped the divorce, talked, cried, laughed, yelled, sat in silence, yelled more, laughed more, and it just works now. Is it all 100% better? No. But I know my mentality towards it has changed. I have a positive outlook on it rather that one where I criticize everything in the relationship, marriage, with him, my life! Positive thinking…it’s crazy how it can change your life around. We talk more, we talk calmer towards each other, we don’t have crazed fights anymore, we have more respect for each other, its just better….
May 13th, 2010 at 8:01 am
Sarah Liz says you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. My husband came to me and said he was in love with another woman. I started to go to counseling by myself for almost a year! He went once with a closed mind to say “See, I tried. It didn’t work.” I know there are ways that I contributed to his problem, but we are getting divorced now. I, like the article tried EVERYTHING!!!! Counseling, books, exercises, and distance. I don’t feel good about the divorce, but I feel good with where I stand right now. I can walk away without any regrets. I finally realized that I couldn’t sit in counseling for him. In my case, I couldn’t even move my stubborn horse off the trail and down to the river even though our marriage was dying of thirst!
May 13th, 2010 at 8:10 am
I will also add that we have a 1.5 yr old daughter. Our marriage had gotten to the point where I was embarassed all the time by my husband. I didn’t know anything about him… where he went, who his friends were, what he did. Strangers knew more about my husband than I did and when I had to find out schedules or personality traits from them I was mortified. Every time I asked about where he was or what he did it was a free pass for him to blame the whole marriage on me and say that I was overbearing and pushy. I was ok to have sex with, ok to do the laundry and cook meals, etc. but not ok to have a conversation with or to take out in public. Once I realizd this last sentence, it was ok for me to move on. I decided that it wasn’t ok to let anyone treat me this way but more importantly…. I could not have my little girl growing up to model this relationship!!!!!!! Yes, it will be hard without a “household” dad but I think in the long run this is the far more healthier choice for all of us. Anytime I feel like reconciling, I think of what my little girl sees.
May 13th, 2010 at 8:48 am
I don’t know that this will help, but here goes. After one of our many fights, I asked my husband if he ever thought about us just splitting up. He was shocked and said it had never crossed his mind. About 10 minutes later he asked me if I had. I told him that I had planned a budget for my “new life”, created a schedule of how I would do things on my own with the kids & work, and had how we would divide up our assets.
It took a hardcore discussion for my husband to “wake up” and see how I viewed our marriage and future. I’d hate to see where we’d be now if I didn’t ask that one question.
May 13th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Sabrina so sorry to hear that things are beyound repair. I know it is a painful experience & you are in my thoughts & prayers. Although I have made HUGE changes in my life there was a time I wasn’t that far off from your husband. In my first marriage I married very young right after spending a couple of years as a drummer in a 80′s Heavy Metal Band. I look at pictures of me from then & die from laughter & maybe a little embaresment lol. But before I married we were on the road for quite a while. I latter hooked up with a very successful band (I won’t mention the name as everyone here would know who they are). I also unfortunatly got into the lifestyle that goes with it. I was about as immature as they come. I didn’t really get into the alchohol & drugs much as I just never liked them but I was around it constantly. My biggest weakness was the groupies. Well wise little 22 year old me thought “hey I’ll get married that will settle me down”. Uhhh not a good idea lol. The good news was I married a wonderful mature woman Who set such a great example that it made me realize that I had better grow up or loose her. It seems as if we men mature mentally latter in life.
Anyway my point is that even though I was very immature I did grow up in a lot of ways. It was a long process, yes I did give up the groupies when I married but still wanted to live the single life in other ways. I apparenly had a wife as good as you. It is sad to hear that your husband learned it too late. I wish you all the best. There actually are some nice guys out there who treat a wife as the treasure she is to us. I actually know quite a few but they are all married lol. May you & your child find the happiness you both deserve.
May 13th, 2010 at 10:59 am
@ Tired- Wow, very powerful and real, I did the same thing with my husband at one point. It does allow them a chance to rethink before it was too late. My husband actually felt we were happily married which means either he was not hearing me at all or I did not communicate just how unhappy I was. Then he went through a period of time where he felt that if I was going to leave I was just going to leave and he had no impact on any of it. It wasn’t until we had a serious conversation about how we saw a good marriage playing out that he saw where he had the power and control to partner with me in fixing it.
May 13th, 2010 at 11:08 am
thanks Drummer Guy, this post has been a tremendous help for me. I feel even better about moving on with my life and finding the right kind of happiness. Thank you Alisa for the post and thank all of you for your kind, sympathetic and encouraging words.
May 13th, 2010 at 11:12 am
I think everyone struggles with there marriage at some point in time unless you keep working at. I can’t wait to read your book because I want to compare my struggles to yours – it makes me feel normal, like there is someone out there that is real and is doing it with us side-by-side.
Andi´s last blog ..5 Things Sex and The City taught me about life
May 13th, 2010 at 11:42 am
I am so glad I found this blog!
There are not many people I can talk to – perhaps by sharing this story with strangers I can get new insights, advice, or at the very least some prayers – we need them for sure!
The day before my very first Mother’s Day (Yup,last Sat.) My husband informed me that he is not happy. Not just that-but he is not in love with me and doesn’t think it will get better. Now, about two years ago we had a very difficult situation and our marriage almost ended. We got through it started seriously working on our marriage so it would not happen again. About 2 months later we found out that I was pregnant. We were very excited and vowed to still keep working on our relationship a priority. We did not. And now here we are again…It never got fixed in the first place,and now he thinks it never will. I believe that we can get through this (just like last time) and he’s given up. It is really frustrating because he goes back and forth. When we are together we can talk things out and get to the point where even if he doesn’t think it is possible, he is willing to give it a shot. Then he goes to work and gets all depressed and comes home and says he doesn’t want to work on things. He has not actually said the words “I want a divorce” or “I want to end this marriage” or even “I want to leave” I take that as a good sign, as good of a sign as I may get for a while.
I have said everything I have to say – that we cannot give up, that I love him, that we owe it to ourselves, each other,and our child to work on this and save our marriage.
Wrong way to approach it or not-it is what I did. But I can’t convince him, and I realize this. All the talking in the world won’t get him to commit to saving us.
It is heartbreaking.
We actually have/had a very wonderful love. I don’t really know what happened.
I don’t know what to do.
Anyway – thanks for listening.
May 13th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
@ Sandi. You will be in my thoughts & prayers. I am not sure if there is a right way/wrong way. Every situation is different & requires different solutions. Sometimes it as simple as realizing that marriage is full of up’s & downs & learning to accept that. Alisa wrote something on here once that was real wise & may perhaps apply. She can word it much better than I. But basicly many times people confuse the love/lust thing that is normal in marriage/relationships. I am wording it really different & perhaps she will explain it better. I am also putting a different spin on it. Mine is, in the beginning of any relationship there is that intense emotional/physical state. The sex is non-stop. Hey the wife & I would make love 6 times in a night back then..lol
Also the emotions run high. Partly goes with or due to the physical. After a while that begins to ebb.
It is perfectly normal for any relationship but we expect that same intense feeling we get in the early part. We then wonder what happened. But to expect that same feeling to continue is unrealistic. Life in general with kids, bills etc make that unrealistic. We have to realize that the love is still there it has just matured. That took me a while to understand as well. But in the meantime we confuse the normal maturity for “well I must not love him or her anymore”. Many people go from one relationship to another looking for that wonderlust fix. Now I have no idea if that is what is going on. Depends on a TON of other factors. But counseling can work wonders with the right counseler. No situation is hopeless. It takes effort but is so worth it. I wish you both the best. There are many great people & couples on this blog who can give you a lot of wonderful perspectives on things.
That Drummer Guy
May 13th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
@Sandi- DON’T GIVE UP YET, keep talking, stay positive in your conversations with him so he doesn’t feel threatened by having the feelings he does but get him to talk to someone, hopefully with you but if he needs that first couple of sessions to be for him to vent, let him. I know I am no one to give adivce but it sounds like you still love him and he may just not be in touch with how he feels about you right now, but you feel he did love you once.
I’ll tell you it was two steps forward nine steps back whenever Ray left me to go to work because the guys he worked with all had broken or lousy marriages and were like gremlins talking in his ear. Only each day when he came home and I loved him did he realize these guys didn’t know what they were talking about. I wasn’t their spouse and I wasn’t out to screw him over.
I have to leave right now for our couseling session but please believe me when I say I’ve heard stories about it being over and yours, while painful, may not be there yet.
May 13th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
I’ve been away for the past day or so and I have not been able to moderate or stay on top of the comments. I can’t tell you all how WONDERFUL it is to come back and see how supportive you are all being with each other. Thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s fantastic to see the community here and find that this blog is now bigger than me. It’s truly an “us.” I love you all! And for those of you who are new here and who are struggling, you are in a very supportive, caring and safe place.
May 13th, 2010 at 3:47 pm
Hey Alisa. SO VERY good to see you back. I hope the seminar went well ( I know it isn’t called a seminar but I don’t know what it is called lol). I didn’t know until recently that you had a book coming out. I look forward to being one of your early readers.
@ Joanne & Ray. Well stated. I have all to often seen where a husband or wife will take their marital problems to work, with friends etc. Just in my personal opinion but maybe not a good idea. You never know if they have an agenda, especially in mixed company. Something my beloved & I personally live by (well 2 things) 1)never speak ill of my beloved to anybody. 2) Don’t talk about about any problems we may have at work, with friends etc. We could say things that may not seem negative but can be taken that way by others.
Now the exception could be a trusted confidant situation but personally I would even keep something like that to a minister, counseler type person. I sometimes just don’t understand why I see so many co-workers really saying horrible things about their spouse. Or sometimes just talking about minor marital issues. I did see one case where it lead to an extramarital affair. You know the “here, here, I’ll comfort you”. Very sad. It could have been avoided. Besides who would want to hear my private business? lol Honestly I couldn’t say anything bad about my beloved even if I wanted to. I am a blessed man.
May 13th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Oh & Alisa…..We got Nuttin but love for ya from everybody too
May 13th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
Thank you so much for the responses. I definitely don’t think it is over – but I am very scared that it will get worse before it gets better, and very scared it won’t get better at all. Sacred he won’t realize how crazy this all is until it is too late…
But I am not giving up.
This is a wonderful and supportive place.
May 13th, 2010 at 4:47 pm
@ Tigger’s first post: “I finally realized that I couldn’t sit in counseling for him. In my case, I couldn’t even move my stubborn horse off the trail and down to the river even though our marriage was dying of thirst!” I know it’s NOT funny, and I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but this made me laugh out loud–I mean, in life, you have to be able to laugh at things–even the serious heart-breaking things, right? Thank you for the laugh. I wish you all the best!
@Drummer Guy: I absolutely adore your story and willingness to share it, not many guys do and it is also an inspiration! I think we could always use a husband’s input around here–thank you!
@Tired, that’s pretty powerful, and if your husband was being honest (which I assume he was) the thought that splitting up never crossed his mind is tremendous. That shows great strength, honor and commitment. Poising that question was the thing you both needed to wake yourselves up, I so admire you for trying! That’s awesome! Anytime a marriage CAN be saved and has two willing participants with the same goal in mind, I say, by all means, try, try, try again! Alisa’s original post here is absolutely correct, TRY EVERYTHING! That alone could save a marriage! I too wish you nothing but the best, thank you for sharing!
@Sandi, talking doesn’t always save a marriage. Talking is good, communication is key, but sometimes, it just digs the hole deeper. If someone is changing their minds, waffling back and forth, that’s not a good sign–it is not however, hopeless. Keep trying, you have a child together and so you owe it to one another to TRY and keep your marriage alive. It’s hard, but it can be so worth it–the fantastic moments and good times make up for the bad! I agree w/ Drummer Guy also when he said that marriage is up/down and a lot of it just accepting that. Totally true! I wish you and your husband the very best!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
May 13th, 2010 at 5:25 pm
Thank you Sarah for your kind words. =) it means a lot.
I agree with everyone here on most part but I think to save a marriage, it takes BOTH people to put in equal effort if not more. One person can try all their best, go out of their way to please the other but what if the other doesn’t budge? You can only try so much until you realize that it’s not worth it, that all your efforts are going against you. I’m very young and I can never see myself living the same life in another 5 years or even another year. It’s not even a being young thing, anyone, of any age has the right to be happy and content with their life. If i gave someone the importance, love, a home, i can very well take it back if i’m getting nothing in return. I’m not a saint and I don’t think anyone else here is either. I don’t understand how people can forget about their self-respect while trying to save their marriage, what’s the point of it? If your spouse can’t see that you’re doing so much for them, they are not willing to be a part of your struggle with you, who are you doing it for? It’s just self-torture in the end.
And to top that all, i’m a very egoistical person. I believe in equality. I believe in give and take. I’m not capable of giving everything and getting nothing in return and yet keep on giving. That’s just not me. It’s not necessarily a good thing but that’s how I am. I’ve talked about divorce with him a few times and i feel he doesn’t take it seriously. I’ve come to a conclusion that like most men that i’ve come across, he also thinks that now he has me, so he doesn’t need to work on anything, he doesn’t think i’m going to go anywhere..so he can treat me how ever he wants. And i need to show him, i need to make him realize that he’s wrong and I’ve tried doing that. I became a stalker, I became a stranger, I became a somebody and I became a nobody all to no avail. I’ve failed to understand him. He doesn’t express himself or communicate very much and the reason he gives me is “that’s how i am” which is not true at all. Because that only applies to me, he’s very caring and communicative towards his friends and people that he wants to be like that towards. It’s just me who makes him not want to express himself or communicate with me. :s I’m not sure what his problem is. He’s not seeing anyone and he doesn’t seem interested in anyone either..neither has he told me about anyone so I don’t know. Ughhh!!!
I must say i need to applaud for all you people here. If someone really wants to save their marriage, maybe they can by trying and trying their whole life. I think you should follow your heart, your instincts tell you, you just know if something is worth it or not. And for you, if you feel it’s worth all your life, it’s worth all your efforts, then by all means, go ahead and work towards it. But for me, i don’t think he’s worth it. I don’t understand why i’ve wasted so much time and why i continue to waste more time. It’s going to one of these days where I will just get up one day and decide that i’ve had it. There’s a limit for everything!!!
May 13th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Shortly after our 7th anniversary in July my husband informed me he wanted a divorce. We talked more about it, and decided to try counseling,we went to a couple of sessions which I felt were helpful, but a couple of days before our 3rd session he informed me that he had decided he really didn’t want to work on our marriage. We went to that 3rd session together, and then I went to a different counselor by myself. I felt amazing after my private session, my heart wasn’t going to physically fall out of my body, I wasn’t going to die, I was going to be just fine. Then I found out a few days later that he had had 6 different mistresses over the last 3 years. One of them lasting over a year, but he wasn’t currently together with her. I *really* realized then that our marriage was broken. One night of drunken stupidity can be a sign that things need to change, but an entire year’s worth of putting your efforts elsewhere is unforgivable. He had decided long ago that our marriage wasn’t worth his full attention and when I found out, I decided that *I* was worth someone’s full attention. It really takes both parties to agree to work together, and if that doesn’t happen there really is no saving it.
May 13th, 2010 at 6:01 pm
@ Sara..My Husband? lol. Boy is my wife ever gonna be surprised. Just kidding with ya. It was a long work day & that really made me smile. Thanks
May 13th, 2010 at 6:35 pm
Sorry, Drummer Guy, LOL! @Isha–you are absolutely totally 110%…you cannot (and should not) lose yourself respect while trying to do anything! And you’re right too in that no one single person can do it all. Period. And no one SHOULD do it all–marriage IS a partnership, a give and take–not a take, take, take and no give at all. That is not how it should be and if it is, then by all means, yes, leave! Appreciation is the name of the game, without it, few relationships (and I don’t just mean marriage) survive. No one should endure torture, but then again, if it is WORTH saving, and you can see that and hang on to it, than I say why NOT try? Everyone determines what is and isn’t worth it for them. That’s true! I think Alisa’s ENTIRE point in this post was “try, try, try until you KNOW that you have tried it all and have NO regrets!” She’s absolutely right! And so are you in the decision you are making! Again, best of luck!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
May 13th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
I’m a little behind on this discussion, but I do want to agree with the point that you can’t do anything if your partner isn’t willing to try, too. One of the reasons I knew my marriage had potential is that my husband was willing to try. If he’d shut down during that initial “our marriage is in trouble” talk, it would have been a sign that it was time to call it quits. If your partner won’t try, that is not guilt that you need to take on as your own. You’ve done everything that you could.
May 13th, 2010 at 9:09 pm
I was divorced 25 years ago and married a second time 20 years ago. Both people decide on the marriage. It only takes one to decide on the divorce. If you don’t give it your all, you’ll be haunted forever because you’ll know you didn’t really turn over every stone. If you do everything you can and it doesn’t work, it’s a better (still painful) ending and you will learn more about yourself. If you simply wait for the other person to change, you are doomed. Ultimately, it takes two to make it work. Alisa’s example is inspirational–something we all need.
May 14th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
I agree with a majority of you that it takes both willing to try to make the marriage work, it is a partnership in which both have to show up and do the work. Sometimes though during a difficult time, for whatever reason, there is one partner doing more than another to sustain the relationship. In the short term this is totally OK. There were times when Ray would shut down on me because he just didn’t see how it was going to get better. By sticking it out and just daily reminding him of the love and all the “blessings” we have together, I proved his friends and co-workers wrong. I didn’t harangue, try to “communicate” every time he came in the room, or break into pieces. I showed that I felt an investment not only in our marriage but in him. He told me he never experienced that kind of love before and wanted to live up to it and give that kind of love to me. It started to turn around then. No one approaches every day and gives it their A game and sometimes we do hit a slump and it just takes time to re-prioritize.
Isha’s – based only on what I have read, you have given it more than enough time and it is time to go forward and nourish yourself and start to heal from this.
Sandi: God I hope with love, time and counseling you can get it all back.
Alisa; Welcome back
May 18th, 2010 at 9:34 pm
Whew! A great subject and close to everyone’s hearts judging by the number of posts! Reading through them it really does demonstrate that everyone has issues in their marriage, and what it comes down to is the commitment from BOTH partners to do something to improve it. While the details vary in the experiences above, providing there are no seriously destructive factors (infidelity, violence, etc) the critical factors are being committed to making it work, committed to making it better and being conscious in the marriage, not just drifting along blindly. In my own case my marriage ended (her decision) because firstly we were BOTH drifting along, making mistakes, taking the marriage for granted, etc.
By doing lots of research afterwards I now know that she is emotionally immature and I think destined to go from one relationship to another over the years as she’ll find that life isn’t actually like the movies. For my own part, while I thought I was a pretty good husband, I really didn’t work on the marriage, falsely believing that our ‘ups and downs’ were just bumps in the road of life, nothing that we wouldn’t work through. For her I think she thought that as life wasn’t meeting her ideal of perfection (and I should just somehow ‘know’ she felt this) that life elsewhere would be better. In my interactions with her since seperation and divorce I would say she’s found that she isn’t any happier, but is in such denial that any attempt by me to interact better is seen as a weakness which she needs to reject to somehow prove her decision to divorce as being the correct one. Therefore I now just treat any interactions as ‘business’ – cordial, but no more. Again, not my choice, but what do you do if she doesn’t want to ‘own’ and part of the issues and chooses to blame me for all her unhappiness?
I think in her immature world of thinking that life is like the movies she thought that parting from me would have her leading a trendy ‘cool’ life, our two boys living with her and having a fun old time. In reality our oldest son lives with me full-time and we have 50/50 custody of our 15 year old son, and all ‘our’ friends were actually my friends, and have remained so, bless them.
For my part, I wish I’d discovered blogs like this, and GOOD books on improving marriage (Harville Hendrix and written the best ones I’ve found as he gives the science behind marriage & relationships, not just some actions) say 10 years ago, as I my have been able to lead by example, improve the way that I behaved, and who knows?
Anyway, certainly enjoying and learning from all the discussion on this topic and all your other ones!
July 6th, 2010 at 3:34 am
Some great contributions have been made to the comments section of this entry. I was so ready to walk out of my marriage last year after a scant 4 months. (The history between my husband and myself spans much more time though.) I did not think I could handle what I knew would be necessary to sustain and strengthen our marriage. The patience, forgiveness, and and healing required seemed a burden to me. The distance between us didn’t help the situation either. I thought it would be so easy to walk away. Like Joanne stated of her situation though, I spent time truly reflecting on whether or not I could cope with never seeing my husband again. The answer to that for me was absolutely not.
My husband made an indecision I felt was completely unforgivable at the time, but over time I realized even in the midst of the mistake his love for me had not grown cold. He wanted to salvage our marriage. He wanted to be with me. He wanted to be reconciled to me. He did not want an indecision to cost us our life together. More than that, he wanted to be himself. He didn’t want to be who he was becoming. So he sought help, and so did I. I also realized a lot about myself, my standards, and deep abiding fears and how I give power to others when I live through them rather than taking authority over and responsibility for my own life. I realized I could be happy, and I understood I could be happy with my husband even after the choices he made.
Now, just beyond 1 year to the day of the devastating blow, I love my husband more than ever. I sincerely hope we have many wonderful years ahead of us, and I know we each have a part to play to make that hope real. I am so thankful that both of us have been willing to try everything, and I have confidence we will continue trying so we can stay together through all the challenges of marriage. One challenge being faced, 63827219 more to approach.