Tracy at IHateMyMessageBoard sent me the link to this video, telling me that I’d better keep this blanket hush hush or everyone would stop reading my blog. Keep in mind that Tracy is the sort of person who will not only buy and sample a product called Chicken in a Can, but also find a way to stick that entire chicken inside a Jello mold. When she sends me a YouTube, I watch. Then I laugh.
This Better Marriage Blanket reminds me of those little alarms one can stick on the bottom of a toilet seat to train a mindless husband into keeping the dang thing in the down position. And then I got to thinking that it was Sunday and it’s the blogathon, which means I need to write something. And that got me thinking that it would be fun for all of us to try to invent products that could save marriages. Here are three that I came up with:
1. A “You look beautiful in those pants, but not as beautiful as you look out of those pants!” recording that plays automatically whenever a woman asks, “Do I look fat in these pants?” It plays in her husband’s voice and is thrown, ventriloquist style, in his direction so it sounds as if he really said those very words. It comes pre-loaded with other great responses such as, “Honey, you couldn’t look fat if you just won a pie eating contest” and “Turn around. Come a little closer. Let me see. I need to inspect your butt a little more closely. Can you take the pants off?” A premium version of this invention includes recordings for the kitchen (“MMM, this chicken taste so good I think I just had an orgasm!”) and even for the bedroom (“Where has your hot naked body been all my life?”)
2. A “Say It Right” Electronic Translator. Couples wear these mouthpieces during a confrontation and it translates insults into beautiful, yet assertive sentences. “You are such as selfish pig” turns into “I’m feeling lonely and hurt because today is my birthday and I didn’t get a card.”
3. Arousal tea that actually works.
What are your better marriage inventions?
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Did you ever hear of The Fun Theory? It’s actually a study that was conducted to prove that people can in fact be persuaded to do things if they are “fun” to do.
I actually used this theory to create a list of “fun” activities that could help improve my marriage (or at least “train” my hubby to do more stuff around the house!).
Here’s the link to the post about my own personal “fun theory” as well as the video of the study (it’s a fun/cool video!)
http://thehubbydiaries.wordpress.com/2009/10/14/the-fun-theory/
.-= The Hubby Diaries´s last blog ..“Mail” Traits? =-.
The correct answer to question one is “I don’t know, I’d have to see your ass without the pants”.
http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2010/01/answering-do-these-pants-make-my-ass.html
I love the Better Marriage Blanket, no more trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night to keep the peace.
.-= Athol Kay: Married Man Sex Life´s last blog ..Cooking Game: Instant Pasta Meal For Ten, Twenty, Thirty People =-.
I like the Electronic Translator idea–who couldn’t use that, in every area of life, not just marriage! Very cool!
The Better Marriage Blanket–LOL! As gross it may be, that is probably not a bad idea! Men, and women too, can have bad nights with their stomachs and this probably would prevent a lot of people from having to sleep on the couch. I just can’t believe someone actually thought of this and is selling it. Hilarious, thanks for the laugh!
(Oh, and I’m not saying I would never buy one, it’s still a funny invention, though!)
Other marriage saving inventions? I don’t know. I don’t have any for now, but I’m excited to see what others come up with!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I just need a hat that says “You don’t have to fix it, just be quiet and listen”
My husband, on the other hand, would probably like the better marriage blanket. I eat a diet rich in cruciferous vegetables and legumes to look good for him!
.-= Tracy´s last blog ..15 Options Facebook Needs To Offer =-.
3 easy payments of $39.95? Honey pass the gas ex. lol I crack me up
. Great post Alisa that was funny stuff. (The better marriage blanket)
Oh & a friend of ours gave my wife a doll called the perfect man doll. When you squeeze it, it says things like “You look absolutely beautiful tonight” & a bunch of other funny stuff. I’ll have to dig it up & listen. It’s a hoot!
I need the “say it right” all the time. The filter from my brain to my mouth has never worked properly. The other day I told my hubby that the cats “unslept” me. Translation: the cats woke me up. Thankfully, hubby understands my “language”. And I’m often saying “did I say that out loud?”. Oops.
There should be a “I didn’t hear that correctly” machine. Let me see if I can describe what I’m trying to convey. Hubby says “dinner was nice, thank you”. Wife hears “why was dinner late?”. Bad examples, but I think you get the point. I sometimes misunderstand what my husband says and take it the wrong way. When he repeats what he said, it’s Duh and I should have had a V-8 head slap to myself. Hubby has the same problem. Doesn’t hear my actual words and will answer a question not asked, but somewhat close to what I asked. The number of arguments that could be saved, would be astronomical.
Funny blog.
Kathy–sort of like a Magic 8 Ball for marriages. You ask it: Did he really mean this? Shake the ball. You get “Nope” or “Perhaps” (I don’t remember the real 8 ball responses).
Alisa, that would work. I was thinking more in line of something that automatically repeats what was said and defines the words or speaks more s l o w l y. Also, takes out any tone of voice that a spouse my find offensive while tired, hungry, etc.
But the Magic 8 ball would work as well.
I wouldn’t mind a magic potion that could transport me into the past so I could know my husband when we were both 40 years younger. Or how about a time machine that you could park outside and resort to when so desired … I guess this invention would be specific to marriages of older folks only.
Alisa, this reply is entirely out of context with today’s blog, but it warrants saying just the same. I should have replied to “I love you but I’m not in love with you,” which was a fantastic post, but you get it tonight instead. I’ve been following your post for about two months, and I’m a devout fan. My wife has decided our life together isn’t doing it for her — so I’ve done pretty much what you suggested in that post. It’s worked wonders for me, even if it hasn’t brought her back. I’m bummed things aren’t turning around on that front, but I’m in a better place than I’ve been in years. Voices like yours help, and for your common sense wisdom and diligence, I’m indebted. Please keep it up. I’ll be reading.
Alisa, you should try Damiana tea. It’s a fairly commonly available herb.
I. Need. That. Blanket..
LOL – that was hilarious ! Much appreciated laughter – Thank You !
Hmm, I would say my invention would be similar to yours (translator) in that, when you ask your spouse to do something (a chore, etc) that s/he hates, they hear it asked in a way that makes them get up and get it done immediately – and you praise and thank them immediately, of course. SO many marriages would be saved … and with a “kid” version, Less arguments, (more allowance, but it’s worth it, right), an always clean house, no stress ! Forget Calgon, get me one of those ! HAHAHA
Dan–so glad you found the site helpful, even if it did not accomplish the original purpose. That;s heartwarming for me to hear.
Andrew: will do! I actually have some product/tea here, come to think of it, that someone gave me. I really ought to drink it for the sake of experimenting and writing about it….
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..What are your turn offs and turn ons? =-.
@ Kathy. I was beginning to wonder if the whole hear what we didn’t say was just a female thing. My 1st wife along with every woman I ever dated did that lol. Glad to hear that we men do it too. My beloved & I can laugh about it now as it can be really funny. When we first married she would ask me (a made up example but you will get the idea) “Honey how do you like this new outfit”? ANSWER: “It looks GREAT on you honey”. Innocent enough & you would think self explanitory. Imagine my surprise when she hear, “Well obviously you thought EVERYTHING I wore before made me look ugly, hidiously fat, & like I should be in a pasture with a cowbell around my neck”. About this time I would have a totally dumbfounded look on my face asking myself if I should make an appointment with a speech therapist to see if I had a severe speech impediment
. To all please take that comment as it was intended. Funny with a lot of truth to it. My beloved & I really laugh at it now.
@ Drummer Guy,
Yes, hubby and I laugh about us not understanding what the other says – now. Before, not so much.
When I ask hubby a question and he answers not what I asked, I just say, here’s the question I’d like an answer to. And repeat what I asked. We laugh about it, because it’s pretty funny. Here’s a bad example, but you all will get the point. “Honey, is it warm out?” Hubby: “I turned off the light.” My response: “OK. But I really need to know if it’s warm out?”.
It almost turns into “who’s on first?”.
Ok you guys are killing us. We got up early in Anguilla so we could view todays post but for some reason I can’t get the link the better marriage blanket. I can’t even see the address to copy and paste. Can someone help me out here?
@Joanne & Ray,
Try http://buybettermarriageblanket.com
No who’s on second..what’s on first ha! Oh he did turn the light out. I saw him do it lol
Drummer Guy, you’re funny!
How about an alarm clock with a snuggle button instead of a snooze button? We have mandatory snuggle time in the morning because, honestly, it’s the ONLY time of day my DH is still. The alarm clock could repeat mantras like, “This is the best part of your day.”
)
Darn I youtubed the who’s on first routine. Who is on first lol so I guess I don’t know….3rd base lol
I like all these inventions!
I could use a couple myself.
I also need an ear filter: one that allows me to not overhear things I wished
I did not know (gross stuff, depressing things, etc.).
I USED TO THINK MY HUSBAND LISTENED TO EVERY WORD I SAID. ONE DAY, WHILE I WAS TELLING HIM SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO ME I REALIZED HE WASNT LISTENING. SO I ADDED A FEW MORE SENTENCES THEN I RANDOMLY PUT THE WORD “SEX’ IN THE NEXT SENTENCE AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE HE STOPPED IN HIS TRACKS AND HEARD THAT LAST SENTENCE? I’D LIKE SOMEONE TO MAKE A RECORDING OF COMMON PHRASES TO SAY TO A HUSBAND THAT ARE PUNCTUATED WITH THE WORD SEX EVERY NOW AND THEN. FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I WANT TO SAY COULD YOU TAKE OUT THE TRASH, PLEASE?” I MUST TRANSLATE THIS INTO “COULD YOU TAKE OUT THE SEX, PLEASE?” IT’S VERY EFFECTIVE.
The video was hilarious!
I would definitely invest in the translator.
I would like to seen “act with no expectations” type of invention. I don’t have a spunky name for it, but I know what I’d want it to do. It would get my husband to fulfill a request without banking on some sort of payout for it. Example: Rather than my husband thinking a request for a back rub meant a request for sex, the invention would help him to give me that back rub expecting no sex in return. I think that would be marvelously brilliant.