These are good questions. There are a couple posts on the site about How to Get Past an Affair. I think the comments sections of those posts might be helpful to you because lots of women and men discuss this very issue. I think it’s important, however, to think about what you overlooked, ignored or missed. This will be difficult, but if you can figure it out, you might be able to see what his lying style is–what he does when he’s trying to cover something up. He’s obviously quite good at it, which is a bit scary. Also think about whether he’s successfully lied about other issues in your relationship–or if you know that he does it regularly elsewhere in his life (if he tells you about lies he’s told to friends or at work).

For a situation like this, I highly recommend counseling.

Here’s one of the affair posts: http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/11/how-to-get-past-an-affair-2/

Your questions to test whether one’s marriage can be salvaged….

“Is your spouse willing to work with you to make things better?
Once you start working on your marriage, does it improve?”

What if you think so/thought so…but find out it was not what you thought? Without too much detail…here’s a brief explanation. I recently confirmed what I have suspected most of this year regarding my husband’s relationship with a former friend from hight school (reconnected on facebook). I had known that the friendship was more than a simple friendship, but had no proof and no idea of the extent of it until recently. We had some pretty rocky times in the spring of this year…but had made efforts to improve starting May-ish…and I really thought we were doing better. But then I found out not only was he still talking to her, and had seen her a couple of times, he was also still alluding to a future with her even as recently as last month (she lives in another state so physical contact was limited). For the better part of the last 3 months, I thought we were better, thought he was 100% in our marriage…but he was still carrying on with her. So now that that relationship is over, how do i know if he is sincere? And how do I make him understand why I don’t trust him or what he says?

Michelle

P.S. I love your blog and articles! Yours was one of the first I found back in the spring when we were having so many problems…you address many topics and concerns I had and still have in such a real way. I guess because you lived much of it yourself…I can relate and apply much of what you share.

You make a good point in your last paragraph – I’ve heard a corporate trainer describe this as “the more, the more” – as in you say or do something mean to me, so I respond with more of the same to give the hurt right back. As we mature and become more self-aware the enlightened ones realise that this is not a productive way to behave in any relationship, let alone in our closest ones!

Good luck to you, and hope you can work it out.

I was able to complain, and managed to present an irritated face and front to all of those around me. with those being my only abilities – i pushed friends, and family away. I became so self involved that I didn’t see (wasn’t looking even) that my husband was hurting too.

i have come off the medicines, under a doctor’s supervision, and am hoping that i can get better and make things better.

I think in Marriage we often change the golden rule into “do unto others as they have done unto you” instead of remembering that it is ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. some one has to be the bigger person, and in turn we can all grown together.

What if you just realized you were the crappy spouse when you thought you were working to make it better for you both.

My second thought is (along the same lines) is to read a book called “Receiving Love” by Harville Hendrix – this was a real eye-opener for me as it helped me to understand how my former wifes childhood ‘wounds’ have affected how her perception of me and everyone else she has close contact with. In it I came to a much better understanding of myself so I really felt I learnt heaps and grew a tremendous amount by reading it. It really does put some science behind what was happening in my situation and it may do for you as well.
Good luck.

I am going to sign off of this for awhile, don’t anyone think I don’t appreciate all your thoughts, I really do but I am holding on by a very thin emotional thread right now and need to keep it together so I don’t lose my job or my clients.

Best wishes to all of you.