Three years ago, when I was contemplating whether to ask for a divorce, I met a good friend for dinner. She had been divorced and remarried. I asked her, “How did you know when it was time to give up?”
She said, “When he stopped trying.”
At the time, it seemed like a good test. If my husband was willing to sincerely try, then I would stay. If not, I would go.
He was willing.
As our marriage slowly improved, his willingness to try was always one part of my litmus test of whether our marriage was worth saving.
The other part of my test was this, “Is my marriage getting better?” I’d rated it a 2 on the misery scale when we’d started (assuming 1 was when things went from wishing him dead to actually doing him in). Our marriage did not improve every day. We took two steps forward and one step back over and over again. But the one constant was always this: whenever I rated my marriage on that scale, it was consistently higher than a 2. We weren’t necessarily happy, but we were improving.
After 4 months, I rated us at an 8. A few months later we got in a good knockdown, drag out. For about a week I revised that rating and brought it down to a 5. Then we had a heart to heart, and I gave us a 7.
Now, three years later, I’d say we’re at a 9.5.
The point is: we’ve never dipped all the way back down to 2.
So that’s the best litmus test I can give you. Can your marriage be salvaged?
- Is your spouse willing to work with you to make things better?
- Once you start working on your marriage, does it improve?
If you answer those questions with a “yes” and a “yes,” then it can probably be salvaged. If either one is a “no,” chances are strong that it cannot.
What do you think? If you’ve saved a bad marriage, how did you know that your marriage had potential? If you’ve left a bad marriage, how did you know that it was time to give up hope?
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Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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Alisa,
I have a question/concern…and it may have been addressed already…I haven’t had time or opportunity to read through all the comments.
Your questions to test whether one’s marriage can be salvaged….
“Is your spouse willing to work with you to make things better?
Once you start working on your marriage, does it improve?”
What if you think so/thought so…but find out it was not what you thought? Without too much detail…here’s a brief explanation. I recently confirmed what I have suspected most of this year regarding my husband’s relationship with a former friend from hight school (reconnected on facebook). I had known that the friendship was more than a simple friendship, but had no proof and no idea of the extent of it until recently. We had some pretty rocky times in the spring of this year…but had made efforts to improve starting May-ish…and I really thought we were doing better. But then I found out not only was he still talking to her, and had seen her a couple of times, he was also still alluding to a future with her even as recently as last month (she lives in another state so physical contact was limited). For the better part of the last 3 months, I thought we were better, thought he was 100% in our marriage…but he was still carrying on with her. So now that that relationship is over, how do i know if he is sincere? And how do I make him understand why I don’t trust him or what he says?
Michelle
P.S. I love your blog and articles! Yours was one of the first I found back in the spring when we were having so many problems…you address many topics and concerns I had and still have in such a real way. I guess because you lived much of it yourself…I can relate and apply much of what you share.
Hi Michelle,
These are good questions. There are a couple posts on the site about How to Get Past an Affair. I think the comments sections of those posts might be helpful to you because lots of women and men discuss this very issue. I think it’s important, however, to think about what you overlooked, ignored or missed. This will be difficult, but if you can figure it out, you might be able to see what his lying style is–what he does when he’s trying to cover something up. He’s obviously quite good at it, which is a bit scary. Also think about whether he’s successfully lied about other issues in your relationship–or if you know that he does it regularly elsewhere in his life (if he tells you about lies he’s told to friends or at work).
For a situation like this, I highly recommend counseling.
Here’s one of the affair posts: http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2010/11/how-to-get-past-an-affair-2/
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