How to Get a Spouse to Fall Back in Love with You

Brought to you by your request

I’m finally getting back to that long list of posts that you all asked me to write.

Today brings you post #7 from the list. I’ve written about this topic before. Read I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You before proceeding, because it sums up nearly everything I have to say about this topic. Then continue on.

The unfortunate truth of the matter is this: you can’t make your spouse do anything. There is no magic formula that will win your spouse’s heart, and anyone who claims to have such a formula is probably a charlatan who wants your money. I will say this, though. Begging and pleading won’t work. Neither will telling your spouse that he or she is making a huge mistake. And being a doormat and trying to be the “perfect spouse” probably won’t work either because it makes you seem weak and unimportant.

Again, there is no magic formula, but the technique that offers you the highest probability of success is this: fall back in love with yourself. It’s a lot easier for someone else to see you as a lovable person once you can see that for yourself. I’m going to be frank. If your spouse has given you the “I’m no longer in love with you” talk, then there’s a high probability that your spouse is going to leave no matter what you do. Prepare yourself for that. If you are dependent on your spouse emotionally or physically, do everything you can to become independent. And go into counseling for yourself. Identify your personal weakness and read about and practice techniques that will help you overcome them. Get a life. Rekindle lost friendships and make new ones. Rediscover that hobby that once loved.

Be you, and be the best and happiest you that you can be.

If that’s not enough to get your spouse to fall back in love with you, then your spouse just doesn’t deserve you. That’s my opinion anyway. What’s yours?

Note: Thanks for the readers who were concerned about my well-being. It was so sweet of you to check up on me! I didn’t post yesterday and I haven’t been actively responding to your emails and comments because I’ve been happily obsessed with a work project. I’m having the best kind of busy there is. I apologize for seeming distant. It’s just temporary. Trust me.

309 comments… add one

  • mary February 8, 2015, 12:47 pm

    I’m confused and hurt and almost hopeless right now. I’ve been with my husband since I was 17. We’ve been married for 14 years and together for 4 before that. We have 1 son who is the light of our lives. Weve had many man ups and downs through the years. Financial and emotionally. He has cheated on me. But felt so much guilt over it that he told me and vowed to never let happen again if we stayed together. So I forgave him … We then had our son. Fast forward 7 years. He recently fell into a depressed stage. Where he feels he’s no good for anyone , myself, our son and other friends and family. He is lashing out at everyone with complete honesty over anything he’s ever felt. He says he’s loves me but doesn’t know if its enough. He says he’s a big flirt and always has been. He also says he bad when in comes to temptation. He feels like he could cheat again. He also is question who he is as a person and our entire marriage. He is currently sleeping in the basement. He will give me hugs but no kisses. He is trying to disconnect. I feel hopeless. I believe in my vows and love him with all that I have. I feel we can work on this but we both have to be committed. He feels like maybe he should have never got married. He feels trapped by the marriage. We are stuck living together for the next 4 months because of our lease and also he has no place to. We both have started counseling separately. I hope this will help us both with some of our issues in the marriage and as individuals. But in the meantime I feel so lost. I have to walk around like everything is normal because of our son. I feel like my heart is being ripped apart. Any advice. In my heart divorce is not a . option

    Reply
    • alma April 9, 2015, 3:55 pm

      Im.in the same and it’s hard because I have 4 boys and been with my husband for 8 years I’m lost and dint know what to do.

      Reply
    • Whoopie Pie May 3, 2015, 6:28 am

      You’ll say divorce is not an option until you walk that ass up into an attorney’s office, sweetheart. This marriage will keep deteriorating because he doesn’t want it anymore. You can’t be in love all by yourself. Leave him- he’s already left you.

      Also, don’t walk around all chipper and give him the idea that he can come back whenever he pleases. Kick him out, honey. Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn… Don’t let him think he has the option of playing with you like a teenage girl. You are a grown woman with a child. You demand more respect from the people you deal with in daily life than your own damn husband?

      Honestly, I’m mad at this jerk for just *informing* you that he doesn’t want you anymore. That’s so callous, even if he said it in a roundabout way: “a big flirt.” That’s how he’s telling you he is either screwing some dumb bunny or really wants to.

      Tell him that he needs to leave for 5 reasons:
      1. He sat you down and ended it, so it’s over
      2. Your child lives there, and his routine mustn’t be disturbed (and you damn sure aren’t leaving)
      3. It makes you uncomfortable in your own home to live like strangers and have to figure out how to act
      4. You are unable to move on with your life with him there
      5. Weekly rates at an extended stay suite hotel are reasonable, so it’s not like he’ll be living under a porch like an alley cat (he should’ve thought about where the hell he was going to live when he told you he felt trapped :-))

      Your child will be okay. Kids get used to two Christmases. You need to be okay so that you can have the better Christmas of the two.

      Stay calm and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.

      -Whoopie Pie

      Reply
    • Donald June 22, 2015, 9:29 am

      Watch fireproof the movie and get spiritual awakening yall need prayer for yall but also yall need it together all you need is a muster seed of faith and I think your already there now turn it around watch and witnesses to come

      Reply
  • LC February 9, 2015, 9:29 am

    Mary,

    I would love to talk to you if we could somehow exchange info. Any ideas on how without putting it down here?

    Reply
    • Donald June 22, 2015, 9:33 am

      E-mail Twitter ?

      Reply
  • RICA PINA February 20, 2015, 5:17 am

    My name is RICA and me and my girlfriend are having problems we have been together for 8yrs. And she tells me she doesn’t love me anymore what do I do to get her to love me again.

    Reply
    • smokey May 17, 2015, 5:15 pm

      Sorry but u should just move on cause when they say that its a done deal.my wife left me after 15years an I haven’t heard from her since.people tell me to pray about it! Been doing that and still not heard from her.really miss a lot.they. Say u never miss ur water til the well run dry

      Reply
  • pollu February 25, 2015, 11:49 am

    I’ve been with my husband 15 years married for 5 .
    A few months ago he told me he loved me but was no longer in love with me.
    I never saw it coming I honestly thought we had a loving marriage

    Reply
  • Anon March 9, 2015, 5:20 am

    i am in almost the exact same situation as Mary….

    Reply
  • Anna March 9, 2015, 6:35 pm

    My man tells me All the time that everything is my fault that i stress everyone out thats why my family doesnt want nothing to do with or anything .he tells me im a hoe , slut , whore ext. He even tells me i use our daughter against him because i tell him im leaving all the time when we get into fights . we fight for other peoples problem and not even our own . he thinks i always want other guys , one day i was reading his messages and he never talks to females no matter what and i seen him telling a female how sexy she was and all this other crap and reminder he never tells me im beautiful, or anything :( i never get random kisses or random ” i love you” unless he wants me to do something or he did something ya he does alot for me but he complanes about every last thing he does for me . i feel lost and hurt and distroyed there is alot more to this then just this. Just not sure on what to do , or if i should realy leave ,…… Help me

    Reply
  • Becky March 20, 2015, 1:42 am

    Hi girls i was looking at this site because I found it due to the way I’ve been feeling. And ladies your not alone. And a lot of us are going through same stuff. If whoever reads this and needs a friend you can email me call me even text me. Times like this a friend or someone who just understands is what we need….Anna if u need to talk let me know

    Reply
    • Nancy April 4, 2015, 7:58 pm

      Hi Becky ,

      I haven’t reached out to anyone …but I am reaching my breaking point here… I think if he just moved out the sense of relief would be overwhelming… To like as husband and wife with someone who does’t love you is nearly impossible….

      Reply
    • jackie April 18, 2015, 11:49 am

      Hi need love advice he cheated 6 yrs ago but thngs aint the same we have kids together which makes hard to leave

      Reply
    • Cheryl June 5, 2015, 5:32 pm

      Hi my name is Cheryl I’m in a simular. Position we have been married 40years loyaly up till 12momths ago my husband went on a trip overseas with a work mate where he met his sister in law recently divorced came home and apparently emailing behind my back returned a month later for 14 days and slept with her came home and started counciling after 4sessions confessed it to me saying he wants to stay with me we are both mid 50,s she was 36we have been together since I was13 had our son at 15 daughter at 16 have 3 beautiful granddaughters and I love him with all my heart but he has photoes of her I’m sure on his tablet which he now has a password to get into and I’m no allowed to touch I feel he is still emailing he at least any advise

      Reply
  • Nancy April 4, 2015, 7:55 pm

    Yep ….I’ve been told ” I love you but I’m just not IN love with you.” Whatever that means… Then I asked ….are you moving out and he says no I don’t want that… I feel like I am walking on egg shells….I never saw this coming…. And WOW this hurts… Two small kids and a home to deal with full time job with a million responsibilities… Ugh… Boy would I do things differently knowing what I know now….

    Reply
  • alexis April 9, 2015, 3:42 pm

    I been in a committed relationship for 2 1/2 years. Our child is going on 1 yrs old next month. Since i had her our relationship has not been the same. I’ll admit, I’ve been a nag, a lil insecure from the weight gain and not trusting him all of sudden. The good thing is he haven’t switched up his routine. He still comes in at a respectable time, he answers calls and my texts. I dont know what it is but i still accuse him which leads to arguments. He’s tired of the bs. I need help! How can i get him to be in love with me again. To look at me how he use to? I don’t wanna loose him, he is a goid dude.

    Reply
  • Andrew April 11, 2015, 12:43 am

    I am A man in a very complex relationship of 23 years. Our two Sons are 15 and 17. I was a wild kid when I met her at 19. We both dropped out. I went back for my diploma but always wanted to do something great. Married at 22. And never really out of the high life stage We separated for 7 months in 1995, starting when I quit my job and wanted to do my own thing with a chauvinist business partner and disobeying her wishes, some noble, some I thought were hyprocritical – she was also a bartender and I didn’t like the attention she was getting even though she claimed loyalty (and subsequently my actions were ignoring her needs, even picking her up at night). I always thought I was the intellectual type (who just took a few years to grow up!). She was the pragmatic one. She is the type of girl that makes friends easy, can be thoughtful and caring. Yet she has a dark manipulative side. Blames a lot of that on me though. We have many GREAT times and I love her but we also had turbulent times before 1995 – I always felt she was very controlling, bossy and never satisfied/difficult to please and always played many mixed message games with me from the get go of our realationship. I am an idiot though, I also was with a girl a couple weeks before wedding day in an uncertain drunken regret and I came clean 8 ish years after we had kids. Additionally, In 95 we both had lovers and when we got back together in ’96, I never came clean on the “sleeping with” part on my side… I think she had more lovers than me and it made me feel upset. After we made amends, I asked her to renew our vows, to leave the past in the past. She stayed home (not working) ever since 96 & We had our beautiful kids over a yr later. I studied my butt off for a few years and got into IT where I really starting making great income for the family. The child rearing was great, I made our own baby foods for them, was hands-on, read nightly stories, homeschooled for a year, had a great 6-8 years as a dad and hubby but I also have had many arguments dealing with either my memory, or that I wasn’t as organized as her, didn’t do things her way (there is no compromising with her) this led to anger with me, occasional hole in the wall, throwing something. Never hitting her though. over the years some heated arguments over trivial things got so ugly with verbal abuse (I avoided namecalling but eventually fell into it after I couldn’t take it), I even contemplated ending it – although I never really thought it was fair that I had to go because I couldn’t deal with her over the top condescending attitude, I refused to let myself be the depressed type. Anger happened Mainly after name calling – that I rarely tolerated. Although there was many good times, when they were good but passion and sex started to drop to once every 6-8 weeks at best.
    As a renewal in our life, we bought a big house in a nice neighborhood when the boys were 8 ish (2006). Mind you we had many good times. But the “hard to please” lifestyle was growing. I was told lack of sex was because I needed a vasectomy. got that around 07 and since then our sex life even dropped to once every 2-3 months. That was confusing. tension was growing but hidden within us. I was tired of giving the affection, getting it rarely. She also had back issues and seen a chiropractor (after the 2nd child) So I spent the past 13 years rubbing her daily for at least an hour avg. to help her. Sometimes she would scratch my leg or something while I was doing that….still, much of the “rubbing” was less about therapy and more about routine. because it was “rub my feet, hands, neck, shoulders….. It replaced all intimacy.
    since 2008, Anger of yelling and arguing led to agreement of marriage counseling but she skipped out and said I was the one that needed to go… after 4 councelors, each one saying they would like to get HER story, they said there is nothing they can do unless we both go. Even if I was the one with ALL issues, the family should support each other especially in a family situation, but she never wanted to go. I know there are things I can change…. today we fight so often and the kids usually side with her because she has plenty of womanly charm yet I do see impartiality and peaks of those “wait a second here mom” moments. The bad thing is we are BOTH bad filters to our kids. I am usually the one who calls that out the most and when I try it, it always seems to backfire, and that manipulative angle I seen in her years earlier comes through hard. I am just tired of doing 1/2 the laundry (the kids do the other half) she is good with shopping and getting coupon deals, shes better with time management and schedules and sweeping the floor. But we men do the dishes and take care of the animals, and all the other chores, painting, fix-it type stuff (although I always get criticized for that too) There is so much that is not fair that I was never able to get a fair objective view from anyone else, I feel she is empowered and uses that in her favor. I cant leave because the older kid is greatly affected by our arguing that hell skip school when it happens. She uses the kids as a councelor and I don’t know where to go anymore. For the past year, she hasn’t hugged me or kissed me… I cant even approach her unless im rubbing her. We have had sex less that 4 times in the past 4-5 years. I get phone calls and texts from her while work telling me for example I left a medical bill on the counter or there were crumbs left from the night before…. If I apologize I get criticized. Sometimes the argument is not as many hours If I say that shes being petty – then the argument still lasts for hours because I didn’t “Humble” myself. There is plenty of regrettable things I have done over the years, but I don’t have any surviving family left to talk about these things and she has “phone councelors” she uses but will NEVER go see a marriage councelor with me. I truly suspect she is afraid of what they will say. I am truly no angel and I will come clean and face my woes with my head forward and get this family moving strong but for right now, we are truly in a weekly and almost daily battle where no one is happy. She gets to stay on the couch most of the day alone thinking or watching her shows, or whatever she likes to do while I go to work, come home and seldom get to spend quality time with my family, my kids or wife one on one, help fix my home (outside of routine “chores”) let alone with my hobby/me alone time like she is blessed to get.

    This has turned a bit into a rant and I am trying to pack in far too much detail. Maybe in hope someone has ideas. I have a lot to lose and my boys seem to think all I have to do is do “the right thing”… buut when I bite my tongue and as much argument avoidance I try, I am faced with a wife who will find the cats fed or litter box changed late, a routine missed, or lord forbid I foget the order she tells me on what food to make for the families lunch or simply the weather is bad as an excuse to argue. I never get a break. I cant just leave. She said she will bury me in alimony and will ensure I don’t see my kids again…

    I so crave positive – I only get that from work or outside. I dont know what happened for it to get this bad, but man I’ve never felt so alone and vulnerable in my life. I only have hope that there will be something or someone that will be able to help the 4 people here to be happy if that means apart, then so be it. But I really just need everyone to be happy by whatever that means to them, including me for the first time in many years.

    Reply
    • Whoopie Pie May 3, 2015, 5:57 am

      I wish you had a sister to kick her ass. :-/ Bury you in alimony and take the kids? What a psychotic lady, with the threats. Sleep with one eye open! :-P

      My advice is to talk to a lawyer. Don’t be a dummy and tell her- she obviously wants to ruin you, sad as it is. Get an idea of how much you’ll have to give her if you decide to divorce. But remember this: the longer you stay married, the more it will cost you… she legally “deserves” to be paid for sitting on her duff while she could’ve been working some idiot job. America. We wouldn’t give African-Americans reparations for hundreds of years of abuse and slave labor, but a woman who married a man and didn’t work at all gets alimony. :-( Sorry, bud. I hope she remarries asap.

      As far as child support goes, you will have to pay if she takes you to court. Speak up about your hand in raising your sons- homeschooling, taking them to soccer, whatever. How much you’ll have to pay depends on how much money you earn, how much money you spend on yourself, your bank account balances, your custody arrangement (if you have the kids 3 days/week, you’ll pay less; you just may be blessed with full custody) and what bills you pay for your kids (private school, homeschool textbook guides, backpacks, computers, clothes, insurance, etc).

      If you’re the type of father you seem to be, you’ll find a very eloquent way of explaining your divorce to your children. They probably think “the right thing” is to take care of their mother. If she were the type of woman who deserved a man like that, they wouldn’t have to tell you to handle your functions. I’m sure they’ll love seeing your happiness. Remind them that Dad loves them and will always take care of them, and that has nothing to do with Mom.

      Don’t go bad mouthing her, either. You probably wouldn’t, but just in case. Boys will side with their mother. Like you mentioned, that womanly charm. That old “she’s just a woman, leave her alone” thing.

      I wish you so much, my dear. You deserve appreciation and passion. Perhaps that’s worth the price. :-)

      -Whoopie Pie

      P.S.- When, not if, you get this divorce, buy life insurance for yourself. Name your sons the beneficiaries. Without your horrible wife around to make your final arrangements (she’d probably cremate your ass), they will need to be able to. It’s a very unselfish, loving thing for a younger father to do for his children. Just in case, pal. That’s what I’d tell my own brother.

      Reply
  • Angel April 23, 2015, 10:09 am

    I was reading some of these post and realized I’m not the only one going the same tjing. My husband have been together for 7 yes been married for 5. We have been having problems for while now it was like we was just roommates. At that point I didn’t think I was in love with him anymore and was always pushing him away. Well bout a month ago we got into a fight he said he wanted a divorce well next day we talked he told me he loved me and always will but wasn’t in love well that’s when I was still in love well he wanted a break well stayed at friends house for 2 days. But he wanted me back home. We have been trying to work our marriage out and really could talk to somebody going through the same thing and vice versa. If anybody interested maybe we can exchange email or something. Thanks

    Reply
  • Luin May 26, 2015, 11:08 pm

    My wife and I are going through a hard time as well. She wants to separate but I don’t. She doesn’t want to work on the marriage at all. We’ve only been married less than 2 years. Right after we got married, my wife started using drugs (meth( please do not bash her for that)) when I found out I sent her to California to be with her mom (who was there visiting family). She was gone for a month and when she came back everything seemed fine until about 3 weeks later she says she’s not happy and wants to separate. I only got so far as to my vehicle when she stopped me and told me to stay. A week later, same thing but we separate for a month. We get back together and things go well then she starts hanging out more with her cousin and friends and is never home but only to sleep and take a shower. She told me the she wants to separate because she isn’t happy. We work things out and things go good. We buy a house together and now we’re going through it again. This time she’s saying divorce. Her reasons are she isn’t happy and the way I talk to her. (In my defense I’m not a mean guy. I say and do things that hurt a lot of people’s feelings and I’m at fault for that I don’t think before I speak) she also said that I wasn’t as outgoing as I used to be and that I don’t take her out anywhere anymore. Which is not entirely true because we have been doing work on our house and both trying to work full time jobs and make time for our family and friends there isn’t a lot of bonding time together. Yes we both could have made time but didn’t. I’ve been seeing a therapist and she actually called my wife to get her side of the story and my wife told her that she hasn’t initiated sex in over a year which I know and she knows for a fact is a lie because we both did. Me more than her. She also told her that she feels disconnected from me and doesn’t want to go through the same pattern we have been going through. She says we get back together and everything is fine and then I go back to my old ways. Which some of that is true. I won’t lie and say it isn’t. We both talk to each other saying things and at those times we both laugh because we know it isn’t true. Or so I thought anyways. She told my therapist that I speak bad to her when I really don’t. I am a human being and I do make mistakes, and know I realize I’ve could’ve been differently and she could have been too. I feel as if we’re both at fault on this and not just me. She’s so content with leaving and I’m content with working it out, but she feels as if she can’t do it anymore. Any advice would be helpful. I pray to God everyday to lead and guide me and her as well. And to help us both forget the past and to work on this marriage. We’re both believers but I feel as if I am more of a believer than she is but I’m not her so I can’t be for sure. I feel as if I’m the only one committed. We’re both young (I’m 22 and she’s 21) and have our whole lives ahead of us and we’ve always talked about what we wanted to do in the near future (which was travel) and then all of this happens.

    Reply
  • Donald June 22, 2015, 9:12 am

    I believe it starts with you, you have to love yourself first enough to except that no one truly understands what love is or how to for that matter its when you stay in it and aloud GOd’s word to leads both of you to grow spiritual and then only can you find out whats truly happening why not go to the provider that creates love to find out. I know without him im to selfish and i know nothing about love and as a foster kid never loved because everyone was gone before 3 yrs old growing up in a sex ring I thought sex was how I can show it lost I was but awake now and you should be too. I claim no religious affiliation just his word BAsic Instructions Before Leaving Earth get it bible . Simply put relationship between you and your provider its simple if its to hard to get it its not him hes basic instructions on the way to live try it and be a witness like me

    Reply
  • Bill July 2, 2015, 9:51 pm

    Ok here it goes… My situation is quite in depth… My wife of 5 years who I have been with for 7 years and have 2 children with ages 5 and 1 decided that she wasn’t in love with me anymore… She works for her aunt and got a new best friend who is 23 and has no responsibilities… Little by little my wife started hanging out with her more and more… Getting a sitter while I was at work and going places… This past month we got in a fight and she said she wanted a separation… I have the kids on my days off and stay at my moms and she has them when I work… When she’s not with the kids she’s out every chance she gets… She has even lied about who she was with because she’s sick of her family telling her it’s not a good idea to hang out with this girl… While I do admit that I have neglected her emotionally and we do fight an awful lot, I’m not a bad husband… I provide and am a great father… Now here’s the tough part… Wife found out she was pregnant last month and decided to terminate because she said our relationship was too messed up to have another kid… Then I decide to hack into her phone and come to find out while at the bar with her little friend she met a 48 year old guy and has been having what appears to be an emotional affair for more than a month… She swears it’s not sexual… Yet… But he sends her nice messages… Things I never did… So fast forward 2 miserable weeks and I beg yet again telling her I can change and show more affection and she says… “I know you can… But I don’t want that from you anymore… I don’t miss you in my bed and I’m doing things I was never able to do and having fun…. One minute she’s completely mean to me and the next she tells me to send her the pictures of what the kids and I are doing… When I confronted her about the other guy she says she’s not lookin for a boyfriend or a new husband and that she hasn’t had sex with anyone other than me in six years and that she currently has no desire to have sex whatsoever… It pisses me off because she puts pictures of herself on social media lookin all happy and posts things saying “be with those who bring out the best in you not the stress in you” and of course doesn’t she call me at 1 in the morning saying she needs milk for the baby and of course I bring it to her… She knows I would never neglect my children… What pisses me off the most is that she tells me that I never took her anywhere and always made her look stupid which I’ll admit I kind of did but she’s focusing on everything negative… I’m guilty of putting my children first… We did things as a family every chance we could… This person my wife has become these past few months is not the woman I married… My begging pleading and crying has fallen on deaf ears… I’m trying so hard to move on because it seems that’s the only choice I have left but how can someone who once loved her kids more than anything in this world go without them for four days and just go out and hang out at the bar???

    Reply

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