How to Get a Spouse to Fall Back in Love with You
Brought to you by your request
I’m finally getting back to that long list of posts that you all asked me to write.
Today brings you post #7 from the list. I’ve written about this topic before. Read I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You before proceeding, because it sums up nearly everything I have to say about this topic. Then continue on.
The unfortunate truth of the matter is this: you can’t make your spouse do anything. There is no magic formula that will win your spouse’s heart, and anyone who claims to have such a formula is probably a charlatan who wants your money. I will say this, though. Begging and pleading won’t work. Neither will telling your spouse that he or she is making a huge mistake. And being a doormat and trying to be the “perfect spouse” probably won’t work either because it makes you seem weak and unimportant.
Again, there is no magic formula, but the technique that offers you the highest probability of success is this: fall back in love with yourself. It’s a lot easier for someone else to see you as a lovable person once you can see that for yourself. I’m going to be frank. If your spouse has given you the “I’m no longer in love with you” talk, then there’s a high probability that your spouse is going to leave no matter what you do. Prepare yourself for that. If you are dependent on your spouse emotionally or physically, do everything you can to become independent. And go into counseling for yourself. Identify your personal weakness and read about and practice techniques that will help you overcome them. Get a life. Rekindle lost friendships and make new ones. Rediscover that hobby that once loved.
Be you, and be the best and happiest you that you can be.
If that’s not enough to get your spouse to fall back in love with you, then your spouse just doesn’t deserve you. That’s my opinion anyway. What’s yours?
Note: Thanks for the readers who were concerned about my well-being. It was so sweet of you to check up on me! I didn’t post yesterday and I haven’t been actively responding to your emails and comments because I’ve been happily obsessed with a work project. I’m having the best kind of busy there is. I apologize for seeming distant. It’s just temporary. Trust me.
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Tags: fall in love
May 26th, 2010 at 7:48 pm
I think this is all good advice, but for one line…”If that’s not enough to get your spouse to fall back in love with you, then your spouse just doesn’t deserve you.”
Falling out of love with someone can depend on a lot of things. As the spouse who has fallen out of love, I feel that I am as deserving as anyone of a happy relationship that is a true partnership with a person who complements me. Life changes, people change, feelings change and sometimes these things don’t change when they need to. As you’ve said before, it takes two to have a marriage stop working. It isn’t necessarily about “deserving.”
May 26th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
S — that’s a good point. It’s probably an unthinking phrase on my part, the kind that one uses to make one feel better but that doesn’t really mean what it says literally. I guess a better way of putting it is this: If your spouse doesn’t love you, you still deserve to be loved. Thanks for pointing that out.
May 26th, 2010 at 9:32 pm
This is such good advice.
Tara´s last blog ..Reason #2 for my husband to read my blog
May 27th, 2010 at 1:47 am
You are very right…..I can’t make my husband do anything! The only person I am in control of is myself. It took me a while to realize that but now that I have many things have improved.
I have been so caught up in kids and marriage that I have forgotten about myself. I haven’t loved myself for a long time. It is important that I feel good about myself and love me. Why would I expect anyone else to if I don’t?
I am so happy I stumbled upon this blog!
May 27th, 2010 at 8:14 am
Another excellent post Alisa. Your still Rockin
So very true as well. I love how you zero in on the only person we can control is us. Before I met my beloved I dated a couple of women who had no self confidence at all. They really didn’t like themselves which caused a LOT of emotional baggage. They both only lasted a couple of dates because of it. Also & you may find this interesting. I have known a few co-worker, aquantence types that ” no longer loved” their live in or spouse. On each occassion already had their next “victim” waiting. I have seen that one a lot. I guess they fall out of lust with the current relationship & have already found their next lust fix & leave the spouse/live in. I guess in that case they are in a weird way doing the spouse/live in a favor. If they have that little character & that undependable the other person is better off without them. As you said such a person deserves to be truly loved by a good man/woman & can at least be free to find that somebody special who deserves them.
May 27th, 2010 at 8:16 am
Oh & I am talking about the types that repeat this pattern over & over.
May 27th, 2010 at 8:25 am
In the “I don’t Suck” section I rather tongue in cheek said that I really feel I must suck and I think that is because try as I may I can’t seem to get this marriage to work. What has smacked me in the head with what you have said above is that there are an awful lot of “I”s in that last sentence.
Alisa- you are right, we have to find ourselves, enjoy our own company, look forward to spending time with ourselves. I work two jobs, I read voraciously, I create beautiful pieces of furniture out of planks of wood, I could build a house if necessary, I like to travel, I am a wonderful friend and a generous lover. I am going to our marriage counselor tonight to start individual counseling and somehow I will get through this. I refuse to be a victim, I’ll leave that to Ray.
Ray hasn’t said I don’t love you but that is because he is somewhat of a coward. It works out better for his conscience if I am the person who calls it quits, it helps his martyrdom. I am going to try to arrange for him to continue therapy and then do marriage therapy in between but he will need to be an active participant. It can’t be “I” any longer if we have a chance at all.
May 27th, 2010 at 8:28 am
Forgot to hit the button
May 27th, 2010 at 9:16 am
And that is what I have started to do, take care of ME. After my relationship fell about, I realized that I spent most of my time taking care of others and making sure they had what they needed and neglected myself – so now I have to reclaim myself. Find out what makes me happy and take better care of myself.
May 27th, 2010 at 10:17 am
I just keep saying to myself two things, 1) It isn’t over yet and 2) I will survive, somehow.
Alisa- Glad to see your back, understand the need to take time for other things. Must be nice to know though that while you are the sail and rudder, these wonderful people can still make up this ship, huh?
May 27th, 2010 at 11:56 am
“The technique that offers you the highest probability of success is this: fall back in love with yourself.”
YES! You are 100% right. Often we look to others to show us why we are good/worthy/interesting/vauled. Really, it has to come from within. It’s the only love that can’t be taken away. And I think when you love yourself, you more easily love others, bringing others closer to you, and helping you feel more loved. I think it works in all relationships but most certainly in marriage.
May 27th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Alisa this post caused me to go back & read the related one on “I love you but am not in love with you” Blog. So many really sad stories from readers. You can feel their heartbreak. I am blessed to have a loving wife who I can’t imagine ever saying that to me. But both of the post really reminded me of the comment you wrote before on the whole love/lust..begining then later in a relationship thing. I wonder how often that applies to these cases? If you have a chance or when you get some free time (I know a RARE thing lol) could you put that in the comments? You word it so much better than I ever could. Anyway just as you have time.
I also noticed some similar comments about changes in feelings, the person changes etc.
I think that people will always change. The person we fall in love with will not be the same 5-10-15 years latter. My wife is not nor will ever the same person I fell in love with just due to the fact that we ALL change over time. Even if you took this terrible illness she is enduring out of the equation she would not be the same person I fell in love with. As we mature, age, raise families our priorities values, personalities & things we hold dear all change. Before marring my beloved I knew that going in. So what did I do. I figured I get the adventure of falling in love with somebody new every few years. Sort of like taking a trip without leaving the farm lol. Yes it is by name the same person I married. It has really kept a sense of adventure in the marriage. She also gets to fall in love with a new man every few years…me! lol. But perhaps if we could go into a marriage with that expectancy we could save ourselves a lot of heartbreak.
May 27th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
I come from a evangelical christian background and was taught that someone wrapped up in themselves is a very small package. Bull!!! I have given so much of myself with nothing left over that I have even lost my self-respect, my faith and in all likelihood my marriage. It stops now though. Alisa is right, you can’t make someone love you but we can love ourselves enough to not be doormats.
I’m going to work on my life and leave the door open for Ray to join me if he chooses. If not then I will go on but I sure hope he walks over that threshold.
May 27th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
@ Joanne..I think when someone says that someone wrapped up in themselves a small package is talking about an unhealthy total self centerdness. We should all have a healthy self respect & feeling of self worth. I guess we have to walk a fine line between being giving but in a healthy way. If it is one sided…no fun. I totally understand what you mean though about just giving of yourself at the loss of yourself. I went through something similar in a relationship. I gave & gave, changed & changed until I realized it was NEVER going to be enough. Yea the person I did it for dumped me when I said I was going to stop (thank God lol) & has since had several more failed relationships. I know 2 of her new ex boytoys (that’s all I was to her) and both say that no matter what they did it wasn’t good enough. I think she is the type of small package he was talking about. I actually feel bad for her. Until she works on HERSELF she will live a lonely life. I have never met anybody so self absorbed in my life. I blame it on her daddy who spoiled the heck out of that girl lol
I guess that is what happens when a relationship is based on looks & sex only.. ha!
Many Blessings
May 27th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Joanne–it IS great to know that the commenters are helping each other. Today I was out all day with a client and away from email. So it was so heart warming to come back and see you all answering and having a conversation with each other. Am I really needed here? It’s awesome that the answer is “Not really, but it’s nice when you’re around.” You all rock in every single way.
Also, you’re right. There’s a difference between self love and self absorption.
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..How to Get a Spouse to Fall Back in Love with You
May 27th, 2010 at 9:43 pm
Great blog and very good points; I finally came to that realisation myself – you need to love and respect yourself (but definitely not self-absorption!) as this is what attracts others. I’ve read a phrase in a few places – “no-one else is responsible for your happiness”, and I think many marriages fail because the unhappy person makes their partner responsible for THEIR happiness, rather than looking in the mirror and seeing the one person who is in fact responsible.
In my own case the more unhappy my then wife got I tried hard to be a better doormat and meet her every need to try and make her happy, and when that didn’t work I just tried to be a better doormat. Of course that didn’t work and as Drummer Guy was saying, there’s usually a ‘raft’ to take them off what they see as a sinking ship (and was true in my situation) and of course those new relationships never work out in the long term. I’m also coming to the same conclusion as Drummer Guy – the more I understand what REALLY happened I’m losing my anger and dissappointment and starting to feel sorry for her, as I think she is destined to lead a lonely and unfulfilled life unless she has some sort of epiphany and comes to the realisation that she is responsible for her happiness, and to be truely loved she must first be loveable and be at peace with herself.
May 28th, 2010 at 7:52 am
Alisa- Are you needed here? You’ve got to be kidding. This is the first time I have ever Blogged and it is only because of your wit and humor that I responded at all. You wake us up to some truthes that for better or worse we need to examine in our lives. I was just saying that it must be rewarding to plant seeds and watch them grow and that is what you do here.
Drummer Guy- I hope you have a great show this weekend. Why don’t you check out skyping it for your sweetheart?
May 28th, 2010 at 8:18 am
Joanne I think skyping would be a GREAT idea. I will get right on it. Start planning right away. Tell my friends. Just one thing. What is skyping?… lol..:-) Just picking with my friend. Honestly I don’t know what it is. We had a recent show at an arena & they are producing a DVD. It wasn’t really for us, it was for the headline act (Toto if you remember them. They did Rosanna in the 80′s ) so we paid the production company to do us as well. We are still waiting on the finished product & we are going to sell them at our shows to make our money back. I hope I didn’t break the camera ha! Thanks for the well wishes. I can’t even begin to describe the passion we have for playing & performing. So I am really looking forward to it. That is my stress relief & my shelter in the storm from caregiving, work etc. I do wish my beloved could be there but she will be there in my heart.
May 28th, 2010 at 9:04 am
I used skyping to talk to my son and daughter when they were both stationed in Iraq. It is a free service too. All you need is a laptop at the show with you that has the camera and phone in to her laptop/computer at home and realtime she can watch you doing your thing at the show. It will let her feel like a part of it maybe and give her a little boost.
I am sure one of the great folks blogging here can give you a better explanation than I but it was real easy to set up for my kids.
May 28th, 2010 at 9:06 am
Drummer Guy: you so crack me up. Skype is an internet service that allows you to make phone calls, conference calls and video calls over the internet for free. To use it, you have to download something from their site. Then you just need to relative recent computers (the kind with built in mic and webcam). If your computer is older, you can get a mic/headset that plugs into the USB port. I actually use that anyway, even though mine has the built in mic, because the sound quality is better. At any rate, here’s the link to the site: http://www.skype.com/intl/en-us/home/
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..How to Get a Spouse to Fall Back in Love with You
May 28th, 2010 at 9:08 am
My daughter was in Kirkuk in the early stages of the war on a forward medical unit and when the shelling at night would get real scary and she would spend hours in the bunkers, she would skype me and I would read Anne of Green Gables to her until her computer battery died. It got her through but I have to tell you my nerves were shot listening to the shelling on her end as I tried to read to her. After a while she would draw a crowd and I would be reading to a bunch of them. At that time the average age of the soldier over there was 20. They all became my babies.
May 28th, 2010 at 10:43 am
Thanks Alisa & Joanne. Yea I am still in the 1970′s with my tech prowess lol. Thanks for the link I will check it out. Not sure if I can work out the logistics. A couple of guys in the band have newer laptops. I would guess I need a camera with a wide angle to & don’t know if that is possible on a laptop. I am on a drum riser & there will be cameras set on each of us for the large screens in the background of the stage. They use those for people in the nose bleed seats lol. I will check to see if I can plug into those. I mentioned it to my beloved & she is really excited at the idea. So thanks so much to you both for your help. I love this blog
May 28th, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Hey Alisa & Joanne. I discovered that the cameras used have Video & Audio outputs that go into a computer system that automaticly switch from one to another. I can use a U S B output from that computer to a laptop. They usually don’t use the audio because it is just used for images on the screen. However I can connect both Video & Audio outputs from their computer to mine. Is that cool or what? Thank you so much for the suggestion. My bride is very excited. Even better she propositioned me for a date tonight (okay not a date in the traditional sense but you get the picture ). Guess she wants to make sure her hubby is well taken care of before being around all the backstage uhhh business? lol. Not that I would stray but I’m sure not gonna turn down the opportunity. Do I have a GREAT wife or what?
May 28th, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Wow I made myself blush
May 28th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
Blush away, big guy, glad I could help.
May 28th, 2010 at 7:56 pm
I am not playing devil’s advocate here, but really wonder this. When life does change and circumstances do change and people do change, and feelings change, is there nothing to be said for realizing that it might be time to move on? Drummer Guy makes some valid points and it’s great that he and his wife can continue to fall in love with each other, but…not sure if I can. (and I am not talking about a short term thing here–I have been married 15+ years)
What I am curious about, Alisa, is when you were in that place where you were fantasizing your husband’s funeral, did you still love him? People can love each other but not be able to be in a relationship and can maybe find ways to work out their problems. Was that you or did you question your feelings toward him? I really struggle with the question of being able to fall back in love. I don’t mean lust or that tingly romantic feeling that one gets in the beginning.
May 28th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
S — In the beginning, I didn’t think it was possible. I thought my marriage as “dead.” That’s the word I used to describe it. I was having sexual fantasies about everyone who was not my husband. And I was miserable. After four months, all was not necessarily fixed. I knew I didn’t hate him anymore by that point, but I wasn’t sure if I would ever feel attracted to him again. The attraction came back later, after months and months of seeing him being a good guy and of us surfing out some of life’s harder moments together. All of that said, it’s not the same thing as the lust one feels in the beginning. It’s different. But it’s quite bonding and I would never ever give it up. I definitely love my man. I can’t say whether you or anyone else will get to this same place. I can only offer a testament as to what took place with me. I think you are the best judge of your marriage and your happiness. No one else knows more about its potential than you do.
May 28th, 2010 at 8:18 pm
S- I think it is even harder watching the love die and feeling do helpless to stop it. Ray in one room, me in another no communication at all. I think love dies from neglect, when one or both people stop working on it.
May 28th, 2010 at 11:56 pm
Alisa, Joanne and Ray–Thanks for the responses. I agree with all of you that it does die when 1 or both neglect it for whatever reasons (kids, jobs, life challenges, etc,). I really think your insights are amazing and I am so glad you navigated these waters because it gives me hope that things can change. I seriously think we would have called it quits if not for knowing that things have changed for you (of course due to both of you choosing to work on it). I am still in a place where I simply just don’t know what I do want but I have tried to remain open to seeing what happens. I feel that you always seem to get to the heart of the issues (not a feeling I share about marriage therapists). I think this particular post is right on about what definitely won’t work to get a person to change their feelings.
Unlike Drummer Guy, the changes that have occurred in my marriage have highlighted negative qualities (probably in both of us) so re-falling in love has not been a natural outcome. That all said (it’s late and i feel like I am rambling), we’ve been sort of working on things and I am not as miserable or filled with anger as I used to be. Perhaps that is a good sign. I am still apprehensive and ambivalent, but open to seeing what happens. Maybe it’s one step forward, one back, two forward, two sideways, etc…
Thanks you for sharing your world with us.
May 29th, 2010 at 7:48 am
S…. Like Alisa I was sharing my own personal experience. I do hope the two of you can come to a place where you can start the process of rekindling the romance. In most cases it is probably a long process that takes a lot of effort. It seems that most people here have done well by using individual as well as couples counseling. I guess the saying holds true that we can’t change others & only change ourselves. Most marriages take many years to deterierate so I would assume that it takes a long time to fix them. Unhealthy, negative habits develop over years & it would stand to reason that they take time to change them. Anyway I hope I didn’t leave the impression that I was commenting on you. If I did I apologize. I ment them in general. I hope things work out well for you & your wife, whatever the outcome. Best of luck.
May 30th, 2010 at 7:50 pm
S – Alisa & Drummer Guy are on the money again. From my own experience it does take a long time for a marriage to deteriorte, and it is down to neglect, taking each other for granted, expecting the other person to be a mind reader then blaming them when they aren’t etc, etc. After the lust and romantic phases of the relationship it’s easy to fall into complacency (I know me and my former wife did), and it’s a downward spiral unless you BOTH conciously take positive action. Often mundane old life seems to get in the way of your special relationship, and if it’s not addressed it can be perceived by one or both that the ‘love’ is gone. I say perceived because love is an action much more than an emotion (lust is an emotion!) and it only is gone because of inaction. The key though is that you BOTH must have the commitment to take action!
A great exercise is both to write a list of what attracted you to each other and what positive qualities you admire in each other – my guess is, like most long-term relationships, many of those things have fallen by the wayside. That’s quite normal, but there is ALWAYS a chance to bring it back. Once you have the list then it’s a commitment from both of you to do some of those things every day. Remember it comes down to your attitude as to whether you can make it work!
Good luck to you!
July 13th, 2010 at 7:17 pm
My wife and I are in trouble. So any advice would be welcomed. The last two years of our marriage has been littered with stressful events. Some finanacial, some family but mostly due to our daughters Leukemia. I could go on and on but I will get to what has transpired recently. My wife has said that she is not in love with me anymore, not what I was expecting. Our daughters illness coupled with the financial stress and emotional stress have left her emotionally depleted. She wants to make our marriage work and wants to start from square one again. Learn to be friends and see what happens and let romance come naturally, or not. Jen is is the most honest person I have ever known so what she says is true. I must say though, we have been married for eight years and this talk has never happened. I want to believe we can get through this. Sorry for the wordy posting but I am looking for advice from others that have maybe been in a situation such as this. Thank you.
July 14th, 2010 at 9:55 am
Dear Jamie, Believe it or not what she could be going through may be kind of normal. The reason I say that is every relationship starts out with the whole love/lust thing going on. What I mean is at first the physical as well as the emotional attraction run very high. Remember the sex & passion back then?
After time that begins to ease up a little & it SHOULD develop into a more mature bond. But many people mistake that phase for “well I must not be in love”. It can happen early in some relationships & latter in others. Could it be that she is just mistaking the intense lust phase of an early relationship dwindeling for no longer being in love? Most who do face that wont admit it or just can’t see it. That is human nature. After all we are mature adults with family responsibilities. So we are beyond lust. But human biology says otherwise.
Add to that the stresses of caregiving for a seriously ill child & all the financial havoc it can cause & we start to loose focus on the marriage. I am also a caregiver to a very ill wife (terminal Liver Disease). The feelings it can cause & the financial stress seems unbearable at times. So I had to make an effort to focus on not just her health but the health of our marriage as well. Do either of you have hobbies or things that each of you enjoy doing alone I E Fishing, Golf, for you & whatever she likes to do? Maybe you could each give each other some time to spend a few hours a week doing something that you each enjoy. It is a great stress reliever. It makes you feel better about yourself. I play drums in a band & that is my escape.
You can also make a date night each week. Doesn’t have to involve intimacy right away but that would be the goal. If you can’t get a sitter or she won’t take time without the daughter due to fear then maybe after she goes to bed. Pop in a movie, hold hands, snuggle up & see what happens. This way you each have time for yourselves & you have time together to focus on the marriage. Any marriage goes through the stresses of family life, financial priorities & the usual stresses. Many times we become so focused on being parents we just forget to be friends & lovers. But when that happens it needs to be addressed before the family breaks up due to divorce & we loose the thing we worked so hard to provide our kids. Add tho that the stresses of being a fulltime caregiver & it can really exastrabate what is a normal situation for most. Divorce is a bad option & last resort under normal circumstances. Even worse when you have a seriously ill child at home. Caregiving for a child is tough enough when both parents are there full time.
One last thing I learned as a caregiver is to find a support group dedicated to caregivers. Get individual counseling to learn how to cope & how to deal with feelings that every caregiver goes through. I was stunned at what I learned about myself & that I was just normal for feeling the way I did. Resentment can build up for being in the situation & the stresses it causes. Then we feel guilty that they even pop up. Was I ever surprised to find out that every caregiver has them. Just talking to people in the same situation is a HUGE help. Anyway that’s my LONG 2 cents…lol I hope it helps. Alisa can explain the whole love/lust dynamic a lot better than I can. I just thought it might help to hear from somebody in a similar situation.
Best of Luck,
Ron
July 14th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Thank you Ron, your advice is most helpful. I think I need to take a deep breath and not panic. I do think that we need to start reconnecting now and learning to be friends again will be the first step. I love my wife dearly and she loves me but she has given so much in the last 1+ years that I might need to be patient and let her feel human again. I have been self employed for some time and I have had an outlet during Amelias treatment. Jen has just recently started working again ( Executive Chef ) and more of her time is having to go to someone else, not much time left for her own needs.We both have our part in this but my expectations are sometimes a bit high ( call me needy ). On a side note, how to people feel about marriage counseling. I spent several years in mental health and have difficulty trusting that we have a reliable therapist in our area. Thought, opinions?
July 14th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
Jamie it sounds like you are on a good path. You do have to walk a fine line between rekindling the spark but not being so insistant that you scare your bride away. If she values the marriage (which she seems to or she wouldn’t want to make it work) then give her room to breath & rediscover her passion. That doesn’t mean you don’t participate but maybe just discuss what she needs fro you. From there you can be loving & supportive. Nothing except abuse, addictions etc are unfixable.
As for marital counseling my experience has been that like anything there are good ones & bad ones out there. Try to find out their philosophy on marriage in general first. I went through 2 counselers (not even marital but individual) before I found one that is really helpful. The first one proclaimed to me in a session that I should just leave my sick wife because being a caregiver & spending all my, time, money & energy was making me miserable. After all & I swear she said this “you have the right to be happy”. I asked her what about my poor wife who at times is unable to care for herself has no family here & would be facing death alone? Her reply was “well all that is true but why should you be miserable”? Sheesh!!! Who gave that lady a degree?? lol
BUT, after some searching I found a really good one. He values marriage, understands the role caregivers play & actually specializes in caregiving & grief counseling. That might be helpful to both of you. It is hard to work on a marriage when you both are in a stage of grief & hurting. Even though your blessed daughter is still with you & thank God for that. You have both in many ways experienced a loss. So maybe some individual counseling would be helpful as well as marital. I had some problems with that at first because I felt guilty in putting effort into anything other than caring for my beloved. But my pastor made an excellent point. If the caregiver goes down mentally OR physically then who is going to care for my wife?
I still deal with that guilt a little. Truth is I have tears in my eyes right now. But getting past feelings of guilt for doing something for yourself is very important, not instead of your child but for the sake of your beloved daughter. Having mentally well nourished parents makes us better equipped to be caregivers. You can apply the same philosophy to marital counseling. Having a stable marriage makes the two of you better equipped to be caregivers. So maybe contact a couple, give them a brief synopsis of your situation & see if their philosophy on marriage is a match to yours. Don’t be discouraged if one doesn’t work out. There are plenty around.
Oh & here is a tip I learned just from individual counseling. Try to find one who actually gives you some excercizes or things to do both individually & as a couple. The ones that just sit & listen while you talk I am sure have their place but seems like the ones who make you an active participant in the therapy seem to have a better success rate. Shoot you can just talk to your cat & save BIG $$$ lol
This is a great site & has some GREAT people to share experiences & lend an ear. & Alisa ROCKS!!! 
Best of Luck
Ron
July 14th, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Thank you again Ron. I think that we will hold off on counseling for a short time. Time being the biggest issue. I have started to work on some things about myself and am doing some reflecting. We have been married for eight years and I have not slowed down for the last three. Scary when you miss what might be missing in your relationship. Deep breath… thanks.
July 14th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Deep breathing is good…lol
July 14th, 2010 at 8:27 pm
Jamie – glad that Ron is able to offer such great advice, and that’s what this is all about; knowing that you’re not alone and others can offer advice and support. It is a huge plus that both you and your wife are committed to action to save your marriage, as that is more than half the battle – the commitment to do something to improve it!
All the best to you and your family
July 15th, 2010 at 7:24 am
Thank you Bern!
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:46 pm
I think so many of you have such a good point! I’ve just found this site, tonight & posted on “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” earlier. I feel like my heart is breaking, repeatedly, right now – and I feel helpless to stop it. But, I also know that maybe, if I can find some of the self-esteem & self-confidence that I had when we met, then maybe he’ll remember why he fell in love with me to begin with. I can’t MAKE him do anything – no one can. But, no matter what I do, I can’t picture a life without him, either…
August 8th, 2010 at 9:15 pm
So (spouses) ought also to love their (spouses) as their own bodies. (One) who loves (a spouse) loves (the self); for no one ever hated (one’s) own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it….
August 26th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
“I can’t picture a life without him”, from the last comment made me say to myself reciprocally: I can’t picture a life without her…
She is not the mother of my children and she have two from her former family, she is going 42 soon, and I’m 54; We’ve met each other in a chat before five years, fall in love deeply, a few months later we’ve gathered in my home together with the children, and it was nearly perfect for two-three years… Last year’s spring she leave me unexpectedly and after much effort from me, and after a course at family consulting, she came back to me before Christmas, …only to depart from me again in this spring with her seventeenth age daughter. Now I have hard time alone, but she is arranging her new life as there was nothing before between us. Can’t get it at all, and it seems there isn’t still a particular person between us. Any suggestions welcome, thanks!