A couple years ago, my dog woke me in the middle of the night because he needed to go tinkle and he couldn’t wait until morning. I leapt out of bed, yelled, “Shut up!” and smacked my dog across the snout with my fist. He didn’t yelp. He didn’t fight back. He didn’t stick up for himself. He simply looked at me with the eyes of a devoted follower, as if he were apologizing that he was born with a small bladder.
I, of course, felt horrible. I did not want to be the type of woman who would do such a thing to a poor, defenseless animal.
I was ashamed of my anger, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I hadn’t known anger until I became a mother—at least not this kind of anger. Yes, before child, I’d been angry. I’d fought with my husband back then, too. But, until I became a mother, I’d never experienced the kind of anger that caused me to completely lose control, the kind that made me feel dangerous, the kind that allowed me to understand how good people could end up in jail.
Know it? It’s scary, isn’t it?
I read books like ScreamFree Parenting. I read websites about anger issues. I took workshops. I even took calming herbs.
I tried many, many things to exorcise the anger from my being.
And now, two or so years later, I’m a lot less angry. I didn’t exorcise it, but it surfaces a lot less often than it once did. And when it does surface, I’m better able to deal with it. I’d love to tell you that I discovered one simple, super easy-to-learn technique, but that would be a lie. (Does one simple technique really work for anything? I’d like to know). What follows are many different strategies, both to prevent anger as well as to manage it.
Anger Prevention
Sleep more. Sleep deprivation muddles thinking, sends your nervous system into a persistently stressful state, and screws up your brain chemistry. As soon as I started prioritizing my sleep—going to bed earlier, taking naps as needed, asking my husband to get up in the middle of the night—a good quarter of my anger vanished.
Latte less. I love lattes and cappuccinos and I co-own a coffee shop, so I really hate to type this. When I’m off caffeine, I’m a lot calmer and a lot less angry.
Alcohol less. I eventually noticed a pattern with alcohol. It was this. The day after drinking more than 1 drink, I lost my temper. It was so predictable that one could take bets on it. I also noticed that alcohol triggered rebound depression in me. So now I rarely drink, especially if I happen to be going through a stressful life phase (for instance if I’m on deadline on a huge project).
Get to the bottom of your problems. Rage is anger multiplied by 1001. It stems from persistent and nagging issues that cause anger to simmer in your system every single day. Every so often, the pressure builds to a boiling point and you blow your lid. Once I slowly solved such on-going problems in my marriage, my career and elsewhere, I was much less likely to blow.
Breathe in what you want. Breathe out what you don’t. Every morning, during my meditation practice, I inhale virtuous emotions that I want more of–such as love, compassion and patience—and I exhale non-virtuous emotions such as anger and pride. As I inhale, I see these positive emotions as a white light. As I exhale, I see them as black smoke. And I pair them with their opposites. So in my head, it sounds like this:
- I am breathing in compassion. I am breathing out judgment.
- I am breathing in love. I am breathing out hate.
- I am breathing in patience. I am breathing out anger.
- I am breathing in humility. I am breathing out pride.
- I am breathing in generosity. I am breathing out greed.
Get healthy and fit. I can’t prove it, but I think there is something to be said for living a monk-like existence most of the time. Eat more vegetables. Exercise every day. Get some fresh air. Stick to a predictable daily schedule. Relax. Think virtuous thoughts.
Take on only what you can handle. We absorb negative emotions from those around us. If you hang out with angry, backbiting people, you’ll absorb that energy. This isn’t to say that you should go live on a monastery or only associate yourself with happy-go-lucky people. Just pay attention to how others around you affect your mood state. You might find that you can only take some people in small doses.
Anger Management
Don’t fight it. Part of dealing with anger lies in surrendering to it. It’s just an emotion. It won’t kill you, and it won’t cause you to kill someone else as long as you manage it effectively. Think of it like a big wave. You don’t swim against the wave to get away from it. No, you go with it, and you ride it out. Eventually, you end up on shore. It’s the same with your anger. Keep in mind that the anger wave generally lasts a lot longer than most of us would like. It’s usually not over and done with in just 5 minutes. It can take hours. Be patient. If you start to get scared—as I sometimes do—that the anger is never going to go away, remind yourself that you’ve been angry in the past and that the anger did not last forever. This anger will pass, too.
Remove yourself from other people. If your anger surfaces while you are fighting with your spouse, say, “I’m too angry to talk civilly right now. I need to take a break so I can calm down.” Then walk away. Definitely address the problem eventually, but do it when you are calm.
Follow your thoughts. What’s going through your mind? If you are anything like me, it’s quite lively up there. All sorts of insults are getting tossed all over the place. Elaborate retaliatory plots are being hatched. Watch such thoughts with amusement, as if they were angry little clouds floating through the sky of your mind.
Talk to yourself. Ask yourself, “Why am I angry?” Do a deep, probing, psychoanalytical search. Usually anger is really about other emotions that we dislike even more: fear, sadness, despair, shame, and so on. Chances are, if you dig far enough and find the true root of your anger, you’ll be able to feel the more accurate emotion for the situation. And once you know what you are really dealing with, you’ll be better able to calmly confront your spouse or someone else, if needed. Other questions that I like to ask myself include:
- What can I learn from this?
- What is my anger trying to teach me?
- What do I want that I am not getting right now?
- What changes might I make to avoid feeling this way in the future?
- Why do I want to retaliate? What good would that serve?
- What is the real problem?
Embrace difficulty. My Dharma teacher tells me that difficult people are gifts sent to me by the universe to help me grow in my compassion. Sometimes when she says this, a few of us smart-alecks joke, “Well I’d like to re-gift that one and give it to someone more worthy.”
Jokes aside, though, I’ve found that the sooner I stop avoiding conflict, the easier it is for me to get to a clear-headed place. Embrace difficulty. It will always be in your life. The sooner you stop trying to avoid it, the sooner you’ll stop feeling like the only person on the planet who pulled the short straw. Everyone pulled a short straw. If you don’t believe me, start asking anyone you know this question, “Is your life easy? Do you ever suffer?” See if you ever get a Yes followed by a No. It just doesn’t happen.
We all suffer. Once you get out of the “this isn’t fair” place, you’ll have an easier time getting to the “what I’m going to do about this” place.
Look for the gray. Anger is a black and white emotion, and it causes us to see people either as friends or enemies, good or evil, mean or nice, and so on. In reality, most people are good. As my daughter’s kindergarten teacher says, “They just occasionally make bad choices.” Remind yourself that the object of your anger wants exactly what you want out of life: to be happy. He or she just has a different way of getting to happy as you do.
Get the stress out of your system. Anger dumps stress hormones into your body. To lose the anger, you’ll want to do something to turn off your fight or flight response. Intense exercise, meditation, sex and other techniques work. Choose the one that works best for you. Try not to turn to vices like alcohol, as this sets up a vicious cycle.
Was this helpful? If you are a recovering anger-a-holic, do you think these methods might work for you? How do you defuse anger? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I have anger issues, but I internalize it, which people think, makes it more dangerous because i could snap at any moment and lash out – which for all intending purposes is true. But I also step away from the situation to see why I am so upset. I also read, because reading distracts me long enough to calm me and clear my mind. When I was younger, I used to color and that helped with a lot of my stress. With the new stress and anger in my life, i am looking forward to reading and doing jigsaw puzzles.
And, I am the opposite, having my daughter calmed my anger issues.
“Look for the gray” sounds like good advice to me. That’s something I’ve learned over the years. I just came back from an acupuncture session, my first, and I will write about it tomorrow on my blog. I feel so relaxed now I cannot imagine being angry. So acupuncture must also work for anger.
I’m a yeller and I hate it. I get to a point in a fight with my husband and I start yelling, totally uncontrollable except that it is, I am going to try some of these out to see if they help!
When I had to work thru anger in my counseling, my counselor and I came up with list of actions to “spend” the anger. Throwing dishes at a brick wall (messy, but I actually almost did this). Punching bag (didn’t want to hurt my hands and arms). Target practice (didn’t think this was a good idea – guns and anger is not a good combination). Running (sorry, not a runner). Racquetball (did this 2 – 3 times a week – worked wonders – not only a great workout, but the ball really doesn’t care how hard you smack it into a wall).
I played racquetball for months. But after about the first month or so, I did it just for the exercise. I didn’t have that deep, pent up for years anger anymore. And playing 2 – 3 times a week, kept anger from really creeping into my life like it had before.
I now just say what I’m angry about and it is usually very intense and a bit loud – but as long as I say how something has made me angry, it usually resolves it very quickly. Counseling truly did wonders for my anger issues. I get angry at what happened now, not all the what happened years ago that I was still angry about. (I hope that makes sense.)
For me, anger is much worse when I’m pregnant or at all depressed. And sleep is a huge thing for me, too. I don’t like to admit it, but tired or hungry me = angry me.
I love your idea of the meditation practice of breathing in the good and breathing out the bad. I’m going to try to breathe in more love. That’s what I’ve been working on lately–in all my interactions with my family, be motivated by love. Sounds easy, but it’s challenging.
If I can get past the initial burst of anger (or rage) without screaming or yelling, it only takes about 2 seconds before the anger calms a bit to a more manageable level. If I can just bite my tongue (or hold back my fists!) for 2-5 seconds, everyone is a lot happier.
Thanks for a helpful and important post.
Andi – I’m a yeller and I didn’t used to be. What happened?? After taking time to figure it out (lots and lots of time) I realized that the reason behind my yelling is that I’m not feeling heard by my husband. I’ve asked him to practice listening better and I’m helping him with that too (using as much humor as possible). Also if he cuts me off when I am speaking I remind him that it’s my turn to talk and that his turn will be next. It’s been interesting to see how much less yelling, anger and frustration I’ve felt since making the connection between the yelling and feeling like someone was actually listening to what I had to say. Hope this helps!
Alisa – I’d like to add one thing to the caffiene paragraph if I may, please? My husband and I attended a health seminar last fall and he took up the challenge to quit caffiene. He was so proud of himself for accomplishing that task and so was I. (I, who never intended nor promised to quit!) Ü Zoom ahead 6 months, and I’m ready to kill the guy in his sleep. He became totally irresponsible, lacking direction, focus and drive. He never started, let alone finished anything he needed to get done and I was basically the only grown up living in our house. Then one day he mused out loud toatlly joking about being A.D.D. Within 12 hours we knew the answer. Thankfully caffiene has given me back the man I married!!
Thanks for letting me add my two cents,
Suzanne
Suzanne–that’s fascinating. So the coffee/caffeine is like his Ritalin? It orders his thoughts?
You raise a good point about this in general. I have an extremely sensitive nervous system, which is probably why things like caffeine, alcohol and even sugar affect me so severely. But not everyone does. My husband, for instance, could drink 6 pots of coffee, eat a dozen donuts and down a bottle of wine and still be the same person. You’d see no effect whatsoever. His body doesn’t seem to be as sensitive to stimulants, depressants etc.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..How to Defuse Your Own Anger Bomb =-.
I too, am a very angry person. I have been trying to change my habits of holding things in and then bursting at the weirdest times. I still hold a lot of resentment from a long time ago and I don’t know if I will ever be able to let loose from it. But, I figure as long as I am working on my marriage, it will follow suit in other areas in my life.
Alisa, the reason why you probably react so strongly to caffeine, alcohol and sugar is because of being a highly sensitive person, maybe? I don’t drink nearly as much as I did and have noticed a big difference. I have been actively losing weight, which is to say exercising and eating a lot less sugar and my moods seem to be on a more even keel. I used to run a coffee shop, but never drank a lot of coffee so there isn’t really anything that needs to change there.
I will work on using these ideas in your blog. I used to fantasize about monk-like living so I lol’ed when you mentioned it! Thanks for the ideas!
Well done, Alisa.
For me, it’s all about sleep. Now that my kids are older, and I’m no longer so sleep deprived, I have infinitely more patience.
Though now I’m approaching the big M, which has got me worried. My midwife told me recently, “If you start feeling rage, call me.” Of course, hormonal rage could be a whole nother blog post.
I have bookmarked this to read more carefully when I’m not so busy. Just skimming it though gave me a lot of food for thought. I think it is really helpful how you have ‘charted’ your anger to see the triggers. I used to be a very optimistic person. One of the adjectives that people used to describe me was calm. I don’t feel that way at all anymore. I need to figure out what it is.
Thanks for listening.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Doncha Hate When This Happens? =-.
when i read your breathing mantras – i pictured a dragon…. consuming the good and breathing the bad out in a firey blaze…. Not exactly what you had in mind I’m sure…..I think I will modify that method, and breathe in the bad and return the good as i breathe out…
but the deep breath method works well for me, i say wooo saaa (a movie thing – bad boys I think…. or maybe anger managerment?) which is my trigger to think “its not as bad as it seems, its already happened, you can’t change it, so calm down” it also lets my husband know i’m trying to be calm – even if it doesn’t appear to be working.
My anger is from …. a lack of control, lack of decompression time, being tired…. oh i don’t know. but I will own this one as mine. I’m not angry at or because of my husband. I am angry because of things inside of me. sadly, he gets the brunt of the release of the anger though….
great tips. I am taking some to heart for practice ….
Yes, Alisa! Caffeine has the same effect as Ritalin on the brain as far as ordering his thoughts and keeping him focused. He is struggling to get enough caffeine consistently in his system to keep things relatively even from morning til night without stomach upset so he plans to talk to his dr. about the medication option. Our experiment with caffeine gave us the data we needed to confirm the suspicion of ADD.
I have a friend who teaches junior high school and she also confirmed our thoughts on caffeine/ADD when she told me that if a student forgets to take medication, they give the kid coffee at school to get through the day.
My system? Ha! More like yours. If I take so much as a Sudafed for a cold I won’t sleep for two days!
I’m a yeller too — screamer actually, and with weird manic arm movements. Its horrible, and it is a huge issue in my marriage, and it devalues any actual point I may have in an argument. It is also a reason why I’m scared to death to have children. I will be trying these ideas definitely.
These are good tips. THe problem with anger is that it clouds your thinking so you can’t make good choices. These tips helps circumvent that.
Im totally with you on the decaf, I had to give up regular coffee a while back, It made
me all goofy.
I know I need more sleep, that’s a big prob. I’m sure other parents of small children will
agree with me that this hurts my relationships with other adults more than many other factors.
Great stuff. This can be a great help with me & stress. I never have had much of a temper but deal with a lot of stress daily. I also tend to keep it in as I feel guilty if I don’t (I would be afraid of burdening others type thing, gotta work on that). My personal stress relief is playing drums. While not everybody is a musician your right on target in that hobbies or pastimes are a HUGE help. Thanks for the great tips Alisa.
I like the information. It is practical and has some good basis. Hope you don’t mind, but I am going to use some of it for a sermon on Bitterness I am doing next week.
Thank you for your help, both personally and professionally!
my best friend has been in an Anger Management class for 2 months now, he improved a lot when dealing with anger.,;”
I found your blog 3 days ago and I feel like I am reading about myself. Reading this post today made me laugh and cry. I too am ashamed at my outbursts. I let the things that bother me simmer and twist away at my insides until my hormone level changes or “the last straw” pushes me over the edge. The explosion is ugly and I can feel every muscle trembling as the dragon is unleashed.
I have so much work to do on myself. I love my kids and I should and could be more in love with my husband.
Thank you for this blog and sharing real ideas to help.
B-Kat–Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting. You will find a supportive community here. One of the best aspects of being here is that we all realize that we are flawed individuals who are working to become better and stronger. Good luck with everything. I wish only the best for you.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Happy Memorial Day! =-.
I really enjoyed this post. I especially like what you had to say about not fighting anger. Over time I have learned all emotions are really neutral; it is the way in which we implement our responses that make them positive or negative. Anger can be quite useful. After all, without experiencing that emotion initially, it might prove difficult to do some of the other things you mentioned such as probing to discover other problems, reducing stress, or recognizing triggers in our lives.
I often take the psychoanalytical approach to defusing my anger. I recognize full well I am the one who controls my emotional responses. In my better moments I am quite skilled at removing myself from a situation to reflect on the reasons I got so roused. I actually had a really good experience with that last week. A co-worker got confrontational with me and I got very angry very quickly. Through removing myself from the situation and talking to a dear friend, I was able to conclude I was angry because I didn’t want to be perceived by others in the way that I perceive that co-worker. The realization did wonders for my attitude — for the rest of that day anyway…
This is a great post Alisa! Just stumbled upon your blog recently and am really enjoying catching up on some earlier posts of yours.
I know exactly what you are talking about as far as the anger you feel since becoming a mother. I used to be such a patient person, and still can be on good days.
But man, I’ve had those same thoughts about understanding how easy it could be to cross the line and do something horrible and end up on the nightly news. It definitely is scary.
I’ve been trying really hard lately to prevent/diffuse my anger towards my son (2.5 yo). Just reminding myself to look at the world through his eyes, and learning about the developmental stage he is at, has helped a lot. Also, trying to stop myself and look at him, really look at his beautiful little face, melts my heart, and crushes it at the same time – how could I yell/scream at this little man who is just doing what he needs to do??
When it comes to dealing with his father, however, I seem to have no control whatsoever. I’ve tried the “I can’t talk right now. I’m too angry.” thing but it just pisses him off that we can’t talk about things when he wants to. And when I am ready to talk, which is usually after our son is asleep, it’s not a good time because he needs to wind his mind down (ADHD) before bed by watching TV. He doesn’t think it should be a problem to “talk” while our son is awake!
All your tips are right on. I know I need to get more sleep. Eat less sugar. Exercise regularly. Basically, I need to take care of myself better! I’m getting to the bottom of one of the big problems in my life that is a major cause of my anger issue – my relationship with my son’s father. I am making plans to leave him. It’s the hardest decision in the world for me, but I need to do it for my own sanity and health, as well as, of course, for our son. I’ve been so stressed for the past couple years that I am losing a ton of hair every day! I don’t look bald yet but I didn’t exactly have a full, thick head of hair to begin with. :/
Well, I sure rambled here. Thanks again for a wonderful blog Alisa!
Maybe you should make changes to the page subject How to Defuse Your Own Anger Bomb | Project Happily Ever After to more catching for your blog post you write. I loved the the writing even sononetheless.
for those of us who cannot control anger, i think that anger management should be a reuirement to have a quality life **;