Anything Is Possible
You all didn’t request this post. I decided to write it anyway because this is my blog, and I can write any post I want to. I’ll do another By Your Request Post tomorrow.
Promise.
Instead, I’m going to write about What’s Possible.
I’ve been thinking about possibilities a lot today. That’s partly because during the bus ride from New York to Pennsylvania, I read Seth Godin’s and Tim Brownson’s blogs, and both of these gentlemen happened to write about possibilities on the very same day.
It’s also because, during the same bus ride, I finally got around to watching Steve Jobs’ commencement speech at Stanford. Did you know he dropped out of college? And then he went on to build one of the world’s first computers? And he did it from his garage?
And then his own company fired him. So he started Pixar.
There’s more to his life story, but you can just watch the video if you want. The point is this: it shouldn’t be possible for a college drop out to do all of that.
But it is.
Until this morning, I thought it wasn’t possible for me to do a TV segment without preparing and practicing first. After all, the books I’ve read about public speaking have told me just that: to eliminate my nerves and ensure I don’t embarrass myself, I should practice.
Well, don’t you know that I was on the set of Better TV this morning to do a segment about Conversation Starters for Conversation Starved Marriages. That topic should sound familiar because I’ve written about it here on the blog and I’ve also done TV segments on it.
You might say that I’ve got that topic memorized.
Just before walking on set, the show producer pulled me aside and said, “After you do the conversation starters segment, we’d like you to do a second segment about something else. We don’t know what it’s going to be about just yet. The host will pick something. Are you cool with that?”
I told her that I was cool as a cucumber, and then I asked her if there was enough time for another bathroom break.
And then I had dozens of negative thoughts about how I was an imposter who had no business being on TV and who knew nothing about marriage and who should just go apply for unemployment right now.
And then the cameras rolled.
And then I turned into a woman I do not know. Really, I’ve never met that woman before, but she inhabited my body for a good 10 minutes. She said all sorts of intelligent things. She was engaging.
She wasn’t nervous.
And she handled the mystery topic with aplomb. (I love that word, don’t you? There’s just something about it).
After the segment, I realized that I was capable of more than I’d thought.
Much more was possible for me that I’d ever realized.
Until today, I’d aimed for “getting through a TV appearance without throwing up or peeing my pants.” That had been my goal. And that had been my goal because I’d assumed that some people were naturals at the whole TV thing and others, like me, faked their way through it and hoped that no one else noticed.
I now know that the ability to talk in front of a camera is a skill, and it’s a skill that nearly anyone can learn.
Being mediagenic? It’s not a personality trait. It’s not necessarily something you are born with.
It’s a skill, and now I’ve got it.
If you want that skill, you can have it, too.
It doesn’t matter what you want in life. You might want a better marriage. You might want to appear on camera. Or you might want to learn how to network.
These goals, at first, seem impossible because they are amorphous. What is a better marriage? What is a mediagenic person? What is a good networker?
Such questions cause many of us to just sit and stare into space. They cause us to assume that a magic wand is in order.
But you don’t need a magic wand to go from fearful public speaker to a confident one. You just need to learn the skills.
And that’s true for any goal. Just break it down into the various skills that make the goal possible.
For instance, a better marriage breaks down into the following skills:
Listening skills
Communication skills
Forgiveness skills
Problem solving skills
Learn the skills. Practice them. Suddenly, any goal is possible.
What have you been telling yourself is impossible? What skills can you learn to make that goal possible?
Note: I didn’t link to the Better TV segment because it has not aired yet. I’ll post it next week, once it’s online.
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Tags: goals
May 13th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
It really feels impossible to work so hard at a marriage sometimes. Breaking it down into 4 steps somehow makes it digestible. When it comes to my career there is always an inner voice that tells me I am lucky to be where I am it, earning what I earn, and how dare I ask for more, or want to go further, without being totally obsessed with it. I think it is a bit of a cop-out so that I don’t have to do the hard work. I feel like my marriage is hard work and I often wonder if it is worth it. Most days it is, but there are those days when I just want to chuck it all!
Andi´s last blog ..5 Things Sex and The City taught me about life
May 13th, 2010 at 3:20 pm
What a lucky girl I am –during scary life transition (something like going on TV to answer as yet unknown question), get to read “Anything Is Possible” written by respected friend Alisa.
Good thoughts. Glad you wrote this post today.
Congratulations for connecting to that woman with aplomb–the rest of us know her as “you”.
Laurie´s last blog ..Post-It Note Tuesday #9
May 13th, 2010 at 4:27 pm
I needed this post!
Why is it so easy to break down reaching certain goals into various skills, and such a struggle for others?! It’s easier for me to even Think about breaking career goals down… but I never thought in a million years to break down marriage goals down. And just how you broke it down, I see that I’m not really that “bad”. I just need to seriously learn how to fight fair, for example, and I’ll be better off…
May 13th, 2010 at 5:24 pm
Impossible is a word I have learned not to accept. I just forge ahead …
Glad your TV appearance(s) went so well!
May 13th, 2010 at 7:01 pm
CONGRATULATIONS, Alisa!!! That is downright awesome, GO YOU! One thing I have thought (at times) is impossible is getting paid to write, but I just made up some business cards the other day, am currently working on a WordPress Blog of my own (it’s not up yet). I’m also looking into other writing websites where I can post articles and such and make a little extra money.
Yes, I’m being very, very careful–and doing my homework before hand! This girl won’t fall for a scam! And I know I should never have to pay THEM for MY writing, correct?!
Even if I don’t make a lot of money, just writing in a public forum, with a professional slant, in an effort to help others while using my “way with words,”–it’s so incredibly exciting!
Truth be told, I’m scared to no end, but I’m doing it anyway because there is no time like the presence!!!
Why waste the gift I was given? I was kept here to do something, why not here and now? Also….our hours were cut at work, so that opened up a lot of time for me! LOL! I could’ve freaked out, or I could get creative–and finally focus on my writing–I chose the latter!
Yes, I’m still working on writing my life story, I am also trying to build a writing porftolio in the meantime! It would be awesome if I could make some a little extra money. I’m on Helium.com and I also really like Bella Online. So, we’ll see. I’m exploring my options and putting myself out there, it’s a step at least!
You mentioned networking yourself as a fear, and that is a fear of mine. I’m an oppinonated person, but I’ve never been an “in your face here’s my card!” kind of person–I also suck at selling stuff, but part of networking is selling yourself, and that’s frightening to me, but you never know who you’ll run into, so it’s worth having some cards available.
Anyway, the point is, this has been something I’ve been scared to do in the past–and my fear has kept me from it–no more!
The support of my husband and family has been tremendous as well other friends and “collegues”.
I’m even having a girl @ work take some professional head shots of me this weekend (she’s a Photography student who’s also looking to build her portfolio:) Yay! So, I’m getting there. Little by little.
I think fear often holds us back, but the biggest failure of all is not even trying!
I am so proud of your TV appearance success and I can’t wait to see it when it airs next week!
Thank you for this terrific inspiring reminder of a post!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
May 13th, 2010 at 7:05 pm
P.S. Alisa is absolutely right, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!! I love that mentality and attitude! Miracles happen all the time!
May 13th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
Sarah Liz–no, don’t pay anyone for your writing! If you suspect something is a scam, please run it by me. I’m happy to take a look at anything to make sure you don’t get taken advantage of. The net can be a scary place for writers. Lots of people paying sweat shop wages. But that’s FANTASTIC that you are facing your fear and putting it out there!
May 13th, 2010 at 7:46 pm
Well done Alisa. WE all knew you could do it.
Frugal Kiwi´s last blog ..Moving Tips: The Kitchen
May 13th, 2010 at 8:59 pm
My son and daughter-in-law went to check out some schools last week for their two little girls. The teachers at three different levels were teaching organizational skills. Who does that? We just expect that some people are better organized than others and don’t recognize the discrete skills involved. Same with communication–my pet subject–and relationships. You’re right, it isn’t magic. Breaking things down into manageable steps and giving consistent effort really does make a difference. Excellent post.
May 14th, 2010 at 9:14 am
Convinced a local TV channel to do a mini series of me
coaching people. All I can say is Toastmasters saved my
butt.
May 14th, 2010 at 9:22 am
Great post! Something I needed to hear, I often think I can’t do something because it’s not in my personality…but to look at it this way and realize that I can do it, I may just need to learn the skills first. That is great! Something I will definitly try to think about. Oh, and way to go!!
May 14th, 2010 at 9:26 am
I get what your saying about anything is possible, but I really dislike the example you gave of Steve Jobs. He is incredibly talented and creative, and some things are innate and not learned. You could think about good ideas all day long, strategize, and plan, but that doesn’t mean your going to create a billion dollar company, or two. Just because there are a few people that are out of bounds on the norm, does not make them the norm. The are the exceptions. I am sorry to be a downer, but I think it’s just really unrealistic to think anything is possible, when in reality there are limitations on life. The only thing you can absolutely control is your own perspective, but other things are out of your hands.
May 14th, 2010 at 9:36 am
What a neat idea. I never thought of setting goals for a better marriage. I have been in sales for quite a while & in most jobs you have to set yearly sales goals. With my marriage being somewhat unique because my wife is so ill I am having trouble coming up with goals. I am sure there would be some good ones BECAUSE she is so sick. When she was first diagnosed I was told she may not survive a year. That was about 6 years ago. Early in her illness it did have an negative impact on us as a couple. Mostly my fault. As I had to take on the role of sole care giver & provider I found myself resenting my situation. Financial difficulties, working, house keeping, medical care etc. I learned through wise counsil that my reaction was normal for people in my situation & learned to deal with it & not let it effect my marriage.
My beloved has had to deal with this in much worse ways than I. I am not sick 24/7. I don’t have a death sentence hanging over my head. All her life she had been that beautiful woman. High School cheerleader, beauty queen type stuff. Suddenly the disease took away a lot of that. To me she will always be my beautiful bride but this has been hard for her to accept. I do all I can to reassure her that she is my beauty queen for life but I understand how she feels. I would probably feel the same. After getting through the early struggles & realizing that I didn’t resent her but at times resented the situation this has put us in I can be a better husband. I need to do all I can to make whatever time we have left together the best I can for her. So I guess my question would be, what are some good goals for me to set? I know how to do career goals but have never really set any marriage or life goals. Anybody got any ideas?
May 14th, 2010 at 9:37 am
Darn I did it AGAIN!! I forgot to check the notify me of follow ups. One day I may learn lol
May 14th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Drummer Guy: so I think you are saying two things. 1) You want to be able to come to a place of acceptance about her illness (vs feel resentful) 2) You want to find a way to help her have the best death possible. Is that right? For #2, I would think of it like this. What is a good death? What would help her? How does it feel to be her? What skills do I need?
I would:
* Read whatever I could about the stages of dying, loss, grief and about dying a noble death
* Work on growing in my compassion. Now I have a Buddhist slant, but I’m sure there are other ways to learn this skill if you are not a Buddhist. I just don’t know what they are.
* Help her grow in her humility, which means I need to grow in mine so I can better understand it and not feel as resentful
Basically, I would try to know everything that a hospice worker knows. I would study these people. I would seek out people — chaplins etc — who are naturally comforting and I would study and mimic how they comfort others.
Does that help?
Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Anything Is Possible
May 14th, 2010 at 11:30 am
Thanks Alisa. Actually I had never thought of your #2 but it is really something to think about. At times it is hard to look at because of my fear of loosing her & my worries of things like will she suffer? This has without a doubt been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. When you love somebody so deeply the thought of having them pass is very scary. But I do need to do all I can to help her through this so that is a GREAT idea. I have some materials her hospice nurse gave us last year. It explains the various stages. It explains the whole process. It is easy to put off reading them due to fear of facing it. But it would be very helpful. I can also go to the book store & see what they have.
I got over the resentment problems. I really felt guilty that I even had resentment. I found out it is a normal reaction for the spouse to feel resentment for the person that is ill when what we really resent is the situation itself. It is highly misplaced & I wonder why I would ever even felt that way. I have to remind myself that it is through no fault of her own & she deserves MUCH better than that. So I channel those energies to how can I make her life better.
Growing in my compassion is something I had to learn along with a self sacrificial love. My method is mostly my Christian faith. It is a faith we share together & has really helped us both become better spouses for each other. Something I have been told I need to work on in relation to that is I need to do more for me. I REALLY struggle with that. I feel guilty if I do something for me. I am told it is important for care givers to do. I just find it hard because I feel like I am being selfish & feel how could I think of me when she is so sick? But I have seen a negative effect on my own health with stress etc. I do have my music as my release. Nothing like after a hard day of work, care giving etc than banging on my drums like a mad man lol.
But that is just 2 hours a week for practice & then the shows we do.
The good news is she had been in remission for the last 6 months or so & her life was better. She still had to deal with the damage already done from end stage liver failer which can seriously make her sick at times but not as often. But after a second round of Chemo she lowered her viral load from over 14 million to double digits. The bad news is she started getting really sick again yesterday. I am hoping it is just a temporary setback but she is having some of the same problems she had when it was at it’s worst. I am waiting on her home nurse to come evaluate & see if we have to put her back on hospice. Needless to say I am really scared. But she has been on hospice twice in the last 2 years & improved so there is hope.
Something that would be helpful would be how do I get her to feel better & more secure in herself? What this disease did to her physically appearence wise has been really hard for her to cope with. I try to assure her in so many ways that she is still that beautiful bride that I saw walking down the aisle & I mean it. I am just worried about how it has effected her & if there is anything I could do to ease these feelings? Oh & yes that was very helpful. You made me think of things I could address that I hadn’t even thought of. Your the best
I guess my goals will be ways I can become a better husband & care giver. You gave me some GREAT resources for that. Thanks
May 14th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Dear Drummer Guy;
My mom has stage four liver disease. She is 71 and has had it for years now. We almost lost her 2 years ago when she had a bleed out. We got it contained and brought her back from the edge. Since my dad passed one year before she got so horribly sick we really felt she just wanted to follow him but we just poured so much of our love and energy into her that I think she is here now because she is enjoying the love. She has 5 daughters and 11 grands and even though she lives in her own home still she is never alone. Thing is as much as she feels we are doing for her, she is our glue our lives are only sweeter because she lives. I spent alot of time not resenting her or her needs through this illness but resenting the illness so I know what you mean. My goal with her is to make sure she knows how loved and treasured she is because just like your wife she was given months and she has given us years. I know her disease is fatal but I don’t envision the end being anytime soon. It sounds like you feel the same about your wife and let me say, Love is so powerful it can prolong a death sentence. Keep up the good work and give her a kiss from all of us.
May 14th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
Good for you! I’ve done lots of radio appearances and a handful of tv. I lost my fear over it all when I realized I could just approach it like a politician. Ever noticed how they don’t answer the question? “Senator how do you feel about global warming?” “Well Matt, that’s an important topic, but I’d like to point out how important health care is.” Basically, you can say anything the heck you want as long as you move the conversation forward, appear confident, and are smooth. I use this technique when asked a question I don’t know the answer to and it has never failed me.
May 14th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
Thanks Joanne & Ray. You brought a tears to my eyes but in a good way
It is very tough at times as you know. But the rewards are SO worth the difficult times. I feel as if I am the one who is blessed that God gave me such a wonderful woman. This illness & the trials have made me a better man & husband. I finally learned what self sacrificial love really means. Not bragging on myself. My beloved is the one who gets all the credit. She lives the example every day. Okay I am crying again lol. Sentimental old sap ain’t I? 
Alisa very good for you. I was a radio announcer for 15 years (before I figured out it was the sales staff making all the money lol). Still public speaking make me nervous. I just learned how to hide it. I have also been performing music since 7th grade. Even with over 30 years playing experience I still get butterflies in my stomach before every show. I still play the 1st couple of songs WAY TOO FAST lol!! Some of it is the adrenalin rush of playing for hundreds & sometimes thousands of people. I hope I never loose that excitement. Now if I could just get the nerves under better control. So GO ALISA
May 17th, 2010 at 6:59 am
I’m very impressed by your simple breakdown of only four skills. I suppose I never thought about it this way, though maybe I should have. It sounds like a lot when I over -think it, but looking at it as just 4 things makes it seem more do-able (ok wasn’t sure how to spell that last word).
July 6th, 2010 at 3:42 am
Of late I’ve been filling my head with thoughts that suggest it’s impossible to work for someone else and like it. I’m currently working on challenging that thought by making the move to work for someone else. I’ll let you know how that pans out for me…