Alisa’s Nether Grooming Guide

I got my first-ever bikini wax three summers ago as a present for my husband. I won’t go into all of the details of that experience because it’s in my book. If you want to know more about what happens during a nether-grooming wax and rip session, go to amazon and preorder it.

What’s important for you to know now—before we get to the Grooming Guide—is that there are three myths about nether grooming.

Myth #1: You groom your nethers because your man likes them that way.

As I mentioned, I initially did it as a gift for my husband. I found, however, that I’d given a gift to myself. A freshly groomed vulva is not only a work of art to behold, it’s downright sensitive to the touch. If you’ve had issues with sexual desire, a bikini wax just might fix the situation. Grooming also makes your vulva more inviting for oral pleasure. Not only is there less chance of an errant hair getting in his mouth, your entire womanly package feels silky to the tongue. (And, men, the same holds true for your bits as well. Trim the hair and your lady will be more likely to want to go south).

Myth #2: Nether waxing hurts more than childbirth.

It hurts some, but definitely not as much as childbirth. I’d compare it to the sting of getting a shot.  Over time, you can develop pain coping mechanisms. For instance, deep breathing really helps.

Myth #3: Only rich people can afford nether grooming

The typical Brazilian wax might run you $80 or so. For this amount of money, you will find out what it feels like to have zero strands of hair on your front side and back. And, yes, you probably have more hair in your butt than your realize. Once it’s gone, you’ll be all like, “Wow, so that’s what a hairless butt feels like.”

If you are a hairy sort like me, then you’ll develop a 5 o clock shadow almost instantly. That means, if you want to remain silky at all times, a weekly wax would be in order.

That’s expensive. Sure.

For those on a budget, there are also these wonderful inventions. They are called razors. The rest of this post will teach you how to use one. And don’t feel bad about going the razor route. This is how professional strippers groom their nethers. How do I know? I’ve asked them.

Now, if you are wondering about other hair removal options, let me tell you. I’ve tried most of them. For instance, let’s talk about the Epilady. I do not know what evil person invented that device. All I can say is this. Taking an Epilady to your privates may very well be as painful as childbirth. I managed to Epilady off about 6 hairs before tears ran down my face.

I’ve also tried hair removal products like Nair. But these things stink up the bathroom. They also require you to walk around the house pants-less for 10 minutes with stinky cream on your front side. My husband always got a big kick out of seeing me this way, but it wasn’t exactly what I would call a turn on for either one of us. And there’s always the fear of accidentally getting the Nair somewhere you really don’t want it, such as your eyebrows.

There are also home waxing kits. I’ve never been brave enough to go there.

How to Shave Your Bits

Step 1: Purchase the right equipment.

You’ll need:

  1. A top quality razor. Those disposable cheap plastic things that you might be using on your legs will turn your pubic area into something that resembles ground beef. You want a sturdy three or four blade razor with a replaceable head, such as the Schick Quattro. Note that the Schick Quattro is designed for women. I use my husband’s Quattro, the same one he uses on his face. I just swap out the razor head. You can do the same if you are on a budget.
  2. A small, electric razor. I use the EpiLady Lady B. It came at a discount when I bought the torture device that this company also sells. There are many other brands that work on the bikini area. You’ll use this to give your nethers a pre-trim. More on that in a bit.
  3. Shaving cream. I’ve used many different brands, ranging from super expensive stuff from specialty catalogs to really cheap stuff available at any convenience store. The cheap stuff works just as good as the expensive stuff. I use Skintimate brand, but there are others. Just don’t use soap. Soap doesn’t lube up the area enough. It’s a blood infusion waiting to happen. Note: I’ve read that shaving cream is toxic, and the list of ingredients does have all sorts of words like “triethanolamine” and such. I asked my Frugal Kiwi friend Melanie if she had a DIY shaving cream recipe, as she’s created all sorts of concoctions ranging from DIY toothpaste to DIY shampoo to DIY deodorant. She had not yet created a DIY shaving cream, but she sent me to this article from Ehow that has instructions. Note: I have not tried this myself; I have no idea whether it will turn your nethers into hamburger.

Step 2: Give yourself a pre-trim

If you are sporting all of your womanliness, you’ll want to trim down some of that woolliness with the electric razor. Otherwise you will do in your razor head before you’ve finished your first shave. Either stand on a bath towel or in the tub for your pre-shave. This makes clean up easier. Use two fingers (such as the flat insides of your middle and index fingers) to gently pull straight the hair, and then use the razor to chop it right off.

If you’d like to shave a pretty picture into your nethers, I suppose you could turn the whole endeavor into a group project and ask your man to draw lines on your front side with eyebrow pencil. Or you could do what I do and settle for any old shape that emerges. Right now, for instance, I’m sporting something that resembles Hitler’s mustache. It’s a little crooked, but it serves its purpose.

Step 3: Follow up with the razor.

Do this part in the shower with the hot water running. Wash off the entire area. Physician types like to caution against shaving the bits because they claim all sorts of scary infections can set in. I’ve never gotten a scary infection down there. I think that’s because I give myself a good soap down first.

Once you are nice and clean, put shaving cream on the parts you want to shave. Then slowly take the razor to yourself. You’ll probably have to concoct your body into all sorts of unusual positions in order to get all of the hair off. For instance, to get the pesky little hairs in the crack between your vulva and thigh, you’ll probably need to step one leg onto the side of the tub and then do an impressive squat straddle. Count it as your exercise for the day.

Periodically rinse off the shaving cream and run your fingers over your vulva. This is your quality control test. If you feel stubble, you’re not done. If you feel silky oh la la, you’re done. Soap yourself up one more time.

Step 4: Lube up.

I rub coconut oil all over my privates when I’m done. It’s my understanding that coconut oil is a natural antibacterial, so this might be another reason I’ve never gotten a horrific skin infection from shaving my nethers.

Step 5: Jump your husband’s bones

There is no greater aphrodisiac than a freshly shaved front side. Use it to your advantage.

What are your nether grooming tips? Have you tried DIY shaving cream? Has a freshly trimmed front side improved your sex life? Share your insights with others.

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61 comments… add one

  • Julia June 8, 2010, 11:52 pm

    usually i shave my bikini line and trim the rest- a great trimming tip: use a comb and scissors, it helps you not nick yourself accidentally

    Reply
  • Anon June 23, 2010, 2:27 pm

    For a non-toxic shaving cream substitute, try olive oil. I use it on my legs and it works great. Got the idea from Real Simple magazine years ago. Extra bonus: it works to moisturize your legs. Have never used it on the bikini line though.

    Reply
  • OneHotTamale25 July 12, 2010, 4:03 pm

    Hilarious. I used to use Nair on my face. Now I just shave the grizzly beard I grow. :( to grizzly beards.

    I typically just use an electric shaver. I’ve never gone completely bare. I will have to try that and see how it feels to me and him. :)

    Reply
  • Master TJ July 21, 2010, 2:30 am

    From a male who hates body hair!!! I have been shaving it all since I was 17. I am 35 now. I hate body hair, and I think a body is sooo much better looking, smelling, and tasting without body hair. I got laser done for me and my wife several years ago, and it was worth EVERY penny I spent on it. Oral sex is way better being bald, I feel better about myself, and yes it does make “it” look bigger. I liked the term “pussy power” that one of the previous posters used. Be proud of your pussy ladies, and embrace the way it fells and looks bald. Love this blog!

    Reply
  • Jennifer August 5, 2010, 12:00 pm

    Alisa, would you consider doing a similar guide for men? I would love my hubby to trim things up but wouldn’t even know where to begin talking about it! An email link in his inbox would be so much easier ;)

    Reply
  • Alisa Bowman August 5, 2010, 12:09 pm

    Jennifer–I just have to find a guest poster who is willing to write it…
    Alisa Bowman´s last blog post ..40 Things I’ve Learned in 40 Years- Part 3

    Reply
  • Master TJ August 7, 2010, 4:39 pm

    Hey Alisa~ I would be happy to write it. Email me and let me know how you would want it phrased and content and I will write what I do and what has worked for me.

    Thanks~
    TJ

    Reply
  • Alisa August 12, 2010, 8:12 am

    Master TJ — Love your screen name. Thanks for this offer! I apologize for taking so long to get back. Life has been rather hectic. I had asked another blogger if he would be willing to do the guest post and he agreed. I’ll be posting in an hour or two. Would love you to weigh in. Can’t get enough opinions about this sort of thing. Thanks so much for offering to help, though. I had totally thought that it would be impossible to find someone to write the post. It never occurred to me that I’d end up with two good candidates.

    Reply
  • Brit St.Clair December 27, 2010, 8:57 am

    I wonder how many women will soon have smooth, silky coochies as a result of this post. I know I will.

    Where might one find coconut oil? I don’t think I’ve seen it around…
    Brit St.Clair´s last blog post ..The Calamari Queen

    Reply
  • Master TJ December 28, 2010, 12:46 am

    Good for you Brit! Hopefully you will love it and so will your husband! Maybe try a health food store for the coconut oil. I really like to use Neutrogena face lotion for an after moisturizer. It is great…
    Keep us informed on how it goes!

    Reply
  • Elizabeth February 4, 2013, 4:56 pm

    Alisa, one word: LASER

    Forget the rest – you are wasting your time and money.

    Reply

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