15 Reasons Care Giving Sucks
I’m now on my 6th installment of the 32 You Get What You Ask For Posts and I’ve come to two conclusions.
- This series is popular. You all are digging it. I’ll do it again in the future.
- This is challenging, but worth it. You all are getting me to stretch in new directions. I think my brain has grown at least two sizes already.
So about care giving. First, I truly don’t remember who suggested this topic or why. I believe the specific request was for me to answer this question: “Why do I want to punch my husband when he’s sick?”
Am I in the ballpark?
Second—and perhaps more distressing since I’m a professional writer and all—I can’t figure out if care giving is one word, two words, or hyphenated, and I’m too lazy to look it up in the dictionary. I happen to know that at least one copy editor reads this blog. You know who you are. Let me know the correct spelling, will you?
All right, about why caregiving sucks (looks better as one word, doesn’t it?). Let’s start with a story. Many years ago, my husband shattered his right leg during a mountain biking accident. Doctors put his lower leg back together with the help of two long steel plates and 23 screws. He had to keep his leg elevated for a couple weeks. After that, he was to keep his body weight off it for months.
This all went down when he happened to also be unemployed. And, for those of you who don’t know, I’m a self-employed writer who works at home. This, at first, seemed like a lucky thing, me being home to care for my invalid husband and all.
Well, after a few weeks of working my usual full day along with chauffeuring him to various physician and physical therapy appointments, doing all of the housework and yard work, cooking all of the meals, waiting on him (bringing him his coffee, bringing him his food, bringing him magazines to read, bringing him the phone, and so on), shopping for all the groceries, and nursing him, I started to turn into a simmering pot of resentment. It was then that I realized that I was not as compassionate as I’d once thought.
I was not as big as I’d once thought, nor anywhere near as kind.
I didn’t have as much energy as I’d once thought, either.
I wasn’t the woman I wanted to be.
After a few months of this, his cast came off and he eventually was able to drive a car, walk normally, and otherwise take care of himself. But now, whenever he does anything dangerous, I tell him, “If you get hurt, I’m sending you to Florida so your mother can deal with you.”
Yes, it’s a threat. But, yes, I also know my limits. To hell with “in sickness and health.” It doesn’t mean I don’t love him if I send him to his mother. It only means that I love myself more.
I tell you that story because you all tell me that your favorite part of this blog is that it allows you to feel normal.
So if you’ve ever contemplated slipping cyanide in your invalid spouse’s coffee? You’re normal, okay? Caregiving is tough work, and not all of us are cut out for it. Here’s why.
15 Reasons Caregiving Sucks
- It causes you to confront your weaknesses and insecurities. You rarely, if ever, feel competent at it.
- It’s overwhelming. You were probably already just barely treading the waters of life before this. Now, with all of these extra responsibilities, it’s as if someone just attached anvils to your feet.
- It often requires you to do things that make both you and your spouse uncomfortable. No grown up, for instance, wants anyone to assist him or her in the potty.
- The sick person is often grumpy (for good reason, perhaps) and, at times, takes this grumpiness out on the caregiver.
- The caregiver is often grumpy (for good reason, perhaps) and, at times, takes this grumpiness out on the sick person.
- Caregiving can rob you of sleep and peace of mind, both of which are important ingredients for an anger-free existence.
- Parts of it are just gross. Like whenever I had to look at my husband’s leg without the dressings on it? I wanted to hurl.
- It’s a dirty job that deserves a 6-figure paycheck, but one that usually pays zilch.
- Sometimes a verbal “thank you” isn’t enough, and sometimes the sick person doesn’t thank you at all.
- No one teaches us how to care for others. No one teaches us how to comfort others physically, nor how to do it emotionally. So caregiving thrusts us well out of our comfort zones. It’s like working your entire life as a brick layer only to wake one day and find out that your boss wants you to perform brain surgery for a few months instead.
- We don’t want to feel resentful because it’s a yucky feeling, so we fight against it and try to force ourselves to feel happy about the experience. Unfortunately, this usually backfires and ends up causing all of the anger to erupt in a very bad way.
- We all have weak moments.
- It’s scary. There’s often a moment (or a million moments) when you think, “I can’t take this anymore. I’m not strong enough for this.”
- We think someone else could do it better, so we feel guilty. We worry that our spouses will think the same exact thing and then eventually find someone else who can do it better.
- We wonder if our spouses would do the same for us, and we suspect the answer is No. Because our spouses are already in bad shape, we don’t want to talk about this inner fear. So it grows in magnitude.
And I’m sure there are many others reasons. Do you have any to add? More important, do you have advice for people who are caregivers? What can they do to get through the experience without punching their spouses?
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Tags: caregiving
May 19th, 2010 at 10:07 am
sounds like alot of good points, ‘truisms’ if you will. I know that my spouse often gets angry with me when I am injured or sick.
I would maybe add that sometimes the other person feels like they are doing more of the division of labor at these points, which may or may not be true. (although I think you might already be hinting at this with #2)- I’m just expanding responsibilities to include additional chores, like now she might have to help with recycling or something that I would normally do.
May 19th, 2010 at 10:11 am
I think it would help the caregiver if the sick person didnt act annoying and demanding and acknowledge that the caregiver is doing all that he/she can do, and going above and beyond what they already do.
My pregnant sister had to recently be caregiver to my mother after her hysterectomy, and by the end of the week, my sister wanted her gone, because she was past the point of being annoying.
A gracious sick person makes a more willing caregiver, in my opinion.
May 19th, 2010 at 10:18 am
Every point rings true to me, but especially #13.
May 19th, 2010 at 10:39 am
I hated caregiving to my mother for the reasons you listed, but I love caregiving to my husband. I think its because he really doesn’t ask for anything and understands my limits. Of course, I had to work full-time during the process and he couldn’t nag me all day. Mainly, what he needed was love and attention.
I actually can’t relate to 14 or 15. Why do you stay with a husband who wouldn’t do the same for you? After my surgery (in a wheelchair for 6 weeks), my man took amazing care of me. The hardest part was that I was so emotional and didn’t want to be alone and would call him all the time – he was a saint. Maybe its because we had this experience at age 21 that we learned that caregiving is something really hard that must be treated as a huge deal! Not just something to walk into! And you must really thank and appreciate the caregiver.
Also, the worst caregiving experience was my mother. Cleaning the bedside commode when she had diarrhea and I was pregnant with morning sickness. (I got it all through the pregnancy at all times of the day) I’d lift the bucket, puke, walk a step, puke, repeat. By the time I made it to the bathroom, the bucket was overflowing…you don’t even want to know how gross it was!
May 19th, 2010 at 10:59 am
Interesting topic and great how you made the post flow from yesterday’s!
Advice for caregivers? Take care of yourselves. Get time away. Go for walks in nature.
I have a lot of experience in caregiving, because I home-cared my elderly mother.
My husband is nine years older than me. So, there’s a good chance I may end up going the home-care route again. But, who knows? Everything is possible in life, isn’t it?
What made me want to comment was my son’s reaction to this possibility. He just turned 40, and I cannot remember the exact context, but his words referred to his step-dad, “And, you will probably take care of him, too, when he’s old, won’t you?”
I was taken aback. It reminded me of my daughters’ reaction when I decided to care for my mom at home. They told me to “get my life back.”
I know you are referring to caregiving short-term in the post, but I’ll be interested in hearing the comments from members of a younger generation on care-giving in general. If a family member needs care, does one assume the care oneself, or opt for a nursing home/rehabilitation center?
May 19th, 2010 at 11:18 am
Wow somebody had a camera in my house
As many readers know here I am also a full time care giver to my wife. So this will be a REALLY LONG comment lol. About 6 years ago my beloved was diagnosed with Liver Disease. Over the last 2 years or so she has reached End Stage Liver Failier. She is now under Hospice care for the 3rd time & offered little hope over the next year or so. That being said we have been down this road before & she has gone into remission. Hopefully that is the case again. But here are a few things that will hopefully encourage you from somebody who has lived it.
(1)What you are feeling is normal. Actually resentment is normal. I had to learn that from counseling. Almost 100% of care givers go through those feeling when it is our spouse who is sick or disabled. I imagine that before his accident your husband was able to do all the things most husbands can do. Suddenly all that is gone. This effects your own feeling of security you had before the accident. What I had to learn was that, what I really resented was the situation my wife’s illness put us in. Before she became ill she was making over 60k per year. Now it is a little over $800 per month in disabilty that we had to fight really hard to get. I have to remind myself over & over again that this is through no fault of her own. That she would change it if she could. That it has also effected her feelings of self worth as a wife in a negative way. So what I was doing was directing my resentment of the situation at her. So there I remind myself that she deserves better than that.
(2) Care giving is very difficult. It feels as though the weight of the world is suddenly put on your shoulders. Now instead of having somebody to help you with all the household work, bills, child care, cooking etc it is all on you. Your spouse went from being a help mate to somebody who needs your help. So the feelings of resentment pop up again. Once again we remind ourselves it was through no fault of their own.
I could go on and on about all the many things that come up with care giving. It really is harder than anybody can possibly imagine. Most of the problems & emotions you are feeling come back to resentment. so how do we learn to cope? Here are a few things that helped me.
(1) Get support. Join a support group. There are many of them out there. Some online & more than likely some in your community. It helps so much just to know that you are not the only one in the situation. You can also talk to others who have been going trough this. They are an excelent resource with ideas for coping. They have experienced the exact same emotions you are experiencing. They have learned positive ways to deal with them that can work for you too.
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You can even help your ill or injured spouse find something they like that will take the pressure off of them. My beloved discovered a hidden talent for art after getting sick. That is her therapy. You both need something you can do seperatly that brings you some joy.
(2) Get individual counseling. You are facing things you never thought you would have to face in your life. While we expect we may at some point have to be a care giver to our parents we never expected it with our spouse. The pressures are more than you ever imagined. While support groups are great for sharing you will need to learn how to deal with all the emotions that come with being a care giver. A good counseler can help with that.
(3) Surround yourself with positive people. I can’t tell you how many times co-workers or others have told me “I don’t know why you stay with her, your not getting anything out of it”. These type people are destructive & poison to your marriage. They may not realize it but they are putting all this in your head at a time when we are vulnerable to giving up & weak. Remind yourself they really don’t care if they destroy your marriage because they don’t have to deal with the consiquences of your broken home. They get to go to their own families at the end of the work day. Instead socalize with people who are uplifting & encouraging to you. Most people will have empathy for your situation. If they are already friends & destructive just politely tell them what they are doing and ask them to stop. I trained myself to remind ME that “gee I sure am glad I’m not married to one of those people who say to just leave
(4)Don’t forget to care for YOURSELF. This one can be difficult & I struggle with it at times. But if you don’t take care of you then the only person your spouse can count on is themselves down for the count. There is no need to feel guilty that you took a few hours a week to care for yourself. Your spouse would want you to do that. Find a hobby you enjoy. I E Golf, Fishing, the Arts or something YOU enjoy doing. With me I have music. Nothing like after a hard day of work & care giving than banging the heck out of my drumset for a few hours lol
(5) Always speak well about your spouse to others & to yourself. This kind of goes along with the company you keep. When others hear you speak badly about your spouse they feed off of that. They start to say bad things which just reinforce any negative feelings you already have. Remember that nobody probably feels worse about your situation than your spouse does. Negative talk will be reflected in the way you address them, look at them & your general attitude toward them. You would be surprised at how much me just always speaking well of my beloved has changed my own attitude towards her & the way I act with her. That is why I always call her my beloved
(6) Learn to Prioritize. You really aren’t superman or superwoman. You CAN’T do it all. Sometimes you just have to decide what is REALLY important & then after doing those things if you still have the time & energy you can do the rest. I promise the world will not come to an end if you don’t bake cookies when Chips Ahoy are already in the box
(7) Swallow your pride. Once again your aren’t super human. You are going to need help with things. There are resources & individuals out there that not only can help but want to help. When you don’t let a person help you are actually robing them of the sense of joy they get from helping others.
I could actually come up with a dozen more but this comment is long enough ha! I guess lastly I would say realize how valuable you are as a spouse, care giver & a helpmate. Your spouse really would do the same for you if the roles were reversed. Love is a POWERFUL tool when used positively.
May 19th, 2010 at 11:48 am
I took care of my mom before she died. We had hospice help so I could still earn a living. But it was still BAD!!!!! I had to move to where she lived and find a new job, etc. For a while, her boyfriend would take her for the weekends so I could have some time off. I was 21 and unattached and had left all my friends in the city I’d left.
But after some time, her boyfriend couldn’t take her on the weekends. The last weekend she was at home, I so needed to get away. I called my oldest brother and asked him to come take care of our mom. Nope, he “had to work”. My other brother wasn’t dependable – drinker and druggie.
I was in a bad way – needing a break. My mom was in denial that she was dying – not a good place in my opinion. We had a huge fight. I almost dumped her out of her wheelchair. I just couldn’t take caregiving anymore. I left for my weekend vacation and left her home alone. She had people she could call and she could get around without me. It’s not as bad as it sounds.
However, when I got home, she wasn’t there. The neighbor had taken her to the hospital. She never got out of the hospital. But, she did come to terms that there was no way she was going to get well. She’d been fighting cancer for 6 1/2 years.
After having my daughter a couple of years later, I decided it was easier to care for an infant than a grownup that could talk and bitch.
In the last weeks of my pregnancy my husband (at the time) got sick. We’d just moved into a new house. Nothing was put away. The couch was facing the wrong way in the living room. It was a 2-story house and the husband was upstairs calling for me every 15 – 30 minutes. I pleaded with him to go to the doctor. I was afraid that all that climbing of stairs was going to send me into labor and he wouldn’t be able to get me to the hospital. He REFUSED. I walked out of the house, drove to the rental we’d moved out of an sat on the floor talking to my tummy. I was gone for about 3 hours. He was on his own.
When I got back to the new house, he said “please take me to the doctor”. I got him to the doctor, he got medicine to help him get well. And I promised him if he ever got that sick again, I was calling his mother to come take care of him. He needed his blanky and his teddy bear and his mommy to hold his hand. And that was NOT me or MY job.
And no, when I got sick the next week during the Super Bowl, he did not come up the stairs every time I called. I’d have to bang my foot on the floor above the TV to even get him to pay attention to me. He wasn’t a caregiver anymore than I was.
My now husband takes wonderful care of me when I’m sick or recovering from surgery. But he also had to teach me to even allow him to take care of me. And thankfully, he’s not a big baby when he gets sick. And he rarely gets sick.
Hubby has promised me he’s hiring a nurse if I ever get to the point of needing help in the bathroom. He’s not changing my diapers. And neither is my daughter. Her plan is to have enough money to hire a full-time nurse.
My advice to a caregiver – get time to yourself every 48 hours. Otherwise you will go nuts and will want to kill the person you’re caring for. It’s a lot of work and much of the time it’s a thankless job.
When my step-mother and step-brother cared for my dad when he was dying, I made sure to say Thank You many times. I knew I couldn’t do it again.
May 19th, 2010 at 11:57 am
I have had my experience with caregiving and thought a lot about it. For me, I believe the anger really is at the illness or the medical situation. I resent how it has hurt the one I love and how it has impacted our lives. For me at least, I believe that is the root of it, so I try to remember what I am angry with and not apply it to the person who happens to have the illness or condition. I can say though that I get really PISSED when the person in question does not do the things he or she should to get better. If you won’t take your pain med, I don’t want to hear your whining.
May 19th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
@ MarthaandMe Hey there were times when I…. wanted to take her pain meds ha! Just kidding. But it brings up another good point. Don’t forget how to laugh. It really can sometimes keep you from crying
May 19th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Sophia–good points. I don’t think #14 or #15 are front of mind worries. They are those nagging back of mind worries, the kind that we feel silly for even having but are still there nonetheless. Or, at least, that’s what’s true for me. My husband actually takes great care of me when I’m sick (now), but wasn’t so good at it then. He’s probably a better caregiver than I am overall in many respects, but I’ve rarely ever tested that theory. The worst illness I’ve ever had was the stomach flu. He, on the other hand, has dangerous hobbies….
May 19th, 2010 at 12:59 pm
Hey Alisa,
As one of those editors you mentioned who reads your blog, I looked it up – it’s caregiver, one word.
While I can’t comment on the main subject of the post, I wanted to say that I’m really enjoying seeing the new topics and reading about things you might not have talked about without the reader suggested topics. It’s a great idea and it seems to be working really well. I’m glad you’re planning to do it again.
May 19th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
@ Alisa. Right on point. 14&15 are back of mind issues. As a caregiver (thanks for the one word. I didn’t know either lol) the thoughts just cross your mind. That brins up another good point I thought of.
Being a care giver is FULL of rewards. You will have the satisfaction of knowing you did something totally self sacrificial. Even if the sick person doesn’t say it. I don’t mean this to brag at all but being a caregiver has taught me to be a better man & a better husband than I EVER knew I could be. I learned I could do things I never thought I could do. Now THAT is rewarding
May 19th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
#6 and #13, absolutely 110% right on!
I agree with the rest, but those really hit home for me! Also, the taking it out on each other because sometimes you just feel hopeless and helpless–or if you’re like me, not willing to be co-dependent even in the face of illness. Like, “Yes, I love you, but it’s not my job to fix you!” I know that contradicts the marriage vows, but I still believe in boundaries, even when you’re caring for a spouse. Helping someone and doing it FOR them are two very different things, you know.
I was always helped, I was never excused, and I think that is a big part of what makes me who I am today. It takes great courage to accept one’s physical (or mental) capacities, live with them on a daily basis, build your life around them, and then push the person to be all that they can be, and do all they can do within those capacities.
It takes courage and strength to practice tough love, but sometimes, it’s necessary. I don’t mean being cruel, or letting a sick person fend for themselves when you know they truly can’t–but being sick, in my opinion, is not a license to crawl up and die. It never been, never will be. I push my husband, and myself, to push our limits in the areas we can, and I’m proud of that. I think it makes me a better wife, and I know when he does the same for me, it makes him a better husband!
My husband and I both have some serious medical issues so we kind of take turns taking care of each other, and it’s rare that one, or both of us, isn’t sick with something.
We’re not hypocondriacs, we were just born with some illnesses. I won’t lie, it’s super hard at times. But our love and compassion for one another exceeds our burnout. When we are both healthy, we soak it up and have the MOST fun!
Thankfully, neither of us is in eminent danger of dying anytime soon, we don’t have cancer and we’re both able to walk–so I thank God for those things every single day! But, caregiving does suck. And it can drain you like nothing else.
You HAVE to learn (as the caregiver) to take care of YOURSELF TOO! You HAVE to do nice things for yourself, take time out and rest. You’re no good to the person you’re caring for if you’re tired and drained all the time. I try not let my illness, or my husbands, consume me–somedays, I succeed, somedays, I don’t. But I try and live my life around those illnesses–I don’t let (most days) the illnesses live my life FOR me. They a part of my life, not my WHOLE life. That’s so important to grasp and I still grab my happiness wherever I can get it–I create it for myself in little moments and simple joys–life’s too short not to enjoy it–no matter what! I probably find this whole thing easier because I’ve never known any other way.
@ Drummer Guy–your story is truly moving and inspirational. Your wife is lucky to have you and I admire your courage, strength and willingness to truly live your wedding vows! Both of you are awesome! Thank you for sharing you story!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
May 19th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
P.S. And yes it is totally, 110% absolutely rewarding when you know that you ARE helping someone, making a difference in their lives, bringing them a little more a happiness or a little more functionality. It’s awesome!
May 19th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
P.S.S….I hope no one found my comment too harsh. I was only speaking about my personal situation. I just re-read what I posted and I really hope I didn’t offend anybody. Every caregiving situation is different, and I was just sharing my personal one. I think caring for different people, with different illnesses, would be different for everyone. I think caring for a spouse might be harder than caring for a parent–but perhaps not. I don’t know. I have known at times, with the momentary sickness of my mother and grandmother–but I haven’t fully crossed that bridge yet. I may have to again wit my mother, later on in life, and I’m sure I’ll see things differently. I guess my point was that my post is @ my own personal and current situation with caregiving. And I apologize if I’ve offended anyone.
May 19th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
Thanks Sara Liz. & no not offended at all. We really are in different situations. Oh & I have done some limited caregiving for my mom before she passed. It is different. I don’t know which is harder. Both tough.
Many Blessings to you & Your Hubby as well
May 19th, 2010 at 3:29 pm
Caregiving can suck you dry, and that’s a fact. But since I’ve been on the receiving end a lot of late and worry that friends & family may be experiencing compassion fatigue, just a wee reminder: dealing with constant, chronic pain is no picnic for the recipient of yr largess.
Humor helps: My ex took me to a post-surgical appointment last Monday and then the following Wednesday showed up again for another medical procedure, which turned out to be in the same building. He took one look at me, motioned towards the tower, and said: “Why don’t you just rent a condo here?”
Maybe you had to be there, but we thought this was just too frigging funny. I laughed so hard it hurt–in a good way. Laughter may not cure what ails you but it certainly can help you step outside your misery — if only for a few minutes — and connect you with the well.
May 19th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
I’ve been on both the receiving – and giving – end. And they both suck. As the giver, i’m always afraid I’m not doing enough or I’m not doing it right…and on the receiving end, I’m always afraid I’m asking for too much or complaining too much, or not showing enough gratitude.
Can’t win…
May 19th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
I think it’s hard to remember to care for yourself in the midst of tending for your spouse. It’s interesting, though, once you’ve been through something like that I think you’re better able to help out–and sympathize–with friends who are in a similar situation. You know how to offer help without just calling up and saying, “What can I do?” Sometimes, just talking to someone else about your frustrations (and resentment) is the best medicine.
May 19th, 2010 at 6:20 pm
My husband is disabled and although I am not the best caregiver what I have great trouble with is the accompanying depression. I understand, he has been dealt a bad hand. However hearing that he has nothing to live for and his life sucks doesn’t do much to motivate me. What about me and the kids who have been here right with you the entire time?
It took therapy for me to realize I wasn’t the reason he wasn’t getting well and that there wasn’t anything else I could do to make him better. In sickness and in health doesn’t mean that you have to be miserable your whole life either.
Don’t get me wrong I will always love this guy. He was a major influence in my life but he is also not the same person I fell in love with. Not sure how this will all end up but appreciate the post and the comments to add insight to a difficult situation.
May 19th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
My father, a very vital man, fell last year and had Traumatic Brain Injury. He’s recovered significantly in areas of physical wellness, but he’s never going to be able to take care of himself again. My mother is adamant about caring for him but I think she is realizing her limitations. I forwarded her your blog. It will bring a smile to her lips.
Maureen´s last blog ..
May 19th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Being a caregiver is just plain hard, even if you’re good at it. It’s pretty impossible not to feel guilty about all the frustration and resentment you inevitable feel. Somehow, we believe there are these saints in the world who can be emotionally giving and serene because they are good people. But us ordinaries, who get frustrated and think bad thoughts about the caree…well, we must be bad. Like so many of your posts, it is helpful to hear the ordinary thoughts and feelings everyone struggles with internally.
Thanks.
May 20th, 2010 at 7:25 pm
Darn, Melissa beat me to it—yes, “caregiver” is one word, as is “caregiving,” per Merriam-Webster’s 11th. ; )
One thing about caregiving, I’ve found, is that having sympathetic ears to vent to helps immensely. My husband was laid up for several months with both a herniated disc and a kidney stone, while I was pregnant with our second child and the first child was a 3-year-old. And I was working full-time, but going to work was almost a break, where there were plenty of kind colleagues to worry about ME and how I was holding up.
A sense of humor is also vital. Thankfully, my husband also has a good one, so we were able to laugh our way through it, joking about his doctors and finding whatever absurdities in the situation that we could. And I am lucky that by nature I am a very optimistic, look-on-the-bright-side person, so I was able to take pride in the fact that I was holding up my end of the “in sickness and in health” bargain. I felt like that was as married as I was ever gonna get—-that if we as a couple could get through that rough patch, we could get through anything. And that if I as an individual could handle it, I could do anything. So in a way, I found it empowering–but I realize I was very lucky that it was not a life-and-death situation like many other commenters have had to deal with.
A caregiver also needs to draw a line somewhere, I think, and realize that, okay, there just are some things you cannot do for your loved one and find some way to have someone else do those things. For instance, my husband’s urologist told us that removal of his catheter was a DIY project—that I could just pull the string hanging out of his ding-dong and voila! I said the hell it is. I was not gonna go there, no way, no how. I drove him to that urologist’s office on Xmas Eve and made the nurse do it. The nurse was not happy to have to see a patient on a holiday, but she was the one getting paid, and I’m sorry, but I did not want hubby associating me with discomfort in that area. Not surprisingly, this is one of those things that we managed to laugh about.
I’m just now realizing, writing this, that maybe I didn’t draw enough of those lines, though. I ended up going into premature labor at 26 weeks, and it has literally just occurred to me that maybe the stress of caregiving could have contributed to that. Don’t know why I never thought of that before. Hmmm. I guess because hubby was finally up and around by that point, I never made the connection. It was a happy ending, though: Baby was born healthy and strong, at 37 weeks, after I was on partial bed rest for the intervening 2 1/2 months. And no, hubby did not become primary caregiver for me and the 3-year-old during any of that—I called my mommy! Hubby is very good at drawing his line somewhere and knowing his limitations. Maybe I should’ve taken a lesson from him. You all are making me think!
May 20th, 2010 at 8:42 pm
Lots of great thoughts and ideas in all the posts! Particularly like Drummer Guys points as he had had to deal with this very issue long term – and really liked your #3 of all of them! As all who have had to deal with this have said it is vital to stay positive and look after yourself, and this includes getting the negative people away from you.
I haven’t had to deal with this, but who knows what the future brings and there is a great list of things to consider here.
May 20th, 2010 at 10:56 pm
My first husband was in a debilitating car accident and left with permanent injuries. I became his caretaker and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I managed the home, I managed his health care, I dealt with the lawyers. By the age of 27, I’d ceased to be a wife and an independent woman. We could not get relief because our auto insurance wouldn’t pay for anything up front, or lawyer screwed us over in the settlement (he agreed to sign the ‘hold blameless clause’ for future expenses even though we’d told him not to) closing the door to all future insurance help and we were reduced to living on disability.
First Husband tried to be appreciative and as little a burden as possible, but a lot of damage was done unintentionally and we divorced.
I’m a little afraid of having children. I’m afraid to be needed that much again; to be that tied down. I swear I have a little PTSD from those 4 years.
Newlywed & Unemployed´s last blog ..Hot Off the Presses: What I Wish I’d Known Before the Wedding
May 21st, 2010 at 9:06 am
@ Newlywed & Unemployed. You could very well be having PTSD. I probably have it to some extent myself. As my wife is facing death she has told me she wants me to remarry after she is gone. Her intentions are good & she is just demonstrating love but I don’t think I will ever remarry after she passes. I don’t ever want to take the chance of having to go through this again. When I really think about it I know that seems unreasonable. Chances of it happening twice is a million to one shot. Still the thought terrifies me. Is that similar to what you are feeling? I would be curious to see if somebody else who has been down this road feels the same.
May 23rd, 2010 at 6:28 am
a GREAT GREAT GREAT book on this topic is Beyond Chaos by Gregg Piburn – Every one of you should read it if you are a caregiver or receiver – it will change the way you deal with the process 100000%.
http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Chaos-Journey-Alongside-Chronically/dp/091242320X/ref=cm_lmf_tit_25/181-2269147-6813534
May 23rd, 2010 at 12:16 pm
It really is hard to be a good caregiver and feel you are doing enough. I worry about this as my parents get older and I see people struggling to care for sick love ones.
July 2nd, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Caregiving Is A Tough Job.. I’m 20 Years Old And I Work In An Assisted Living Home And We Have To Take Care Of Alot Of Old People There.. I Only Work Weekend There But Its Just Me In A House With 5 People.!! Its Hard Work.. And 3 Of Those Old People Are In Wheelchairs So I Have To Always Be Changing Their Diapers.. Its A Live’In Job So I’m There From Friday Night Till Sunday Night.. And Pays Pretty Crappy.. I’ll Admit There Are Nights That After A Hectic Day Of Work And I’ve Put Everyone To Bed I’ll Sit On The Sofa And Just Break Down And Cry.!! This Job Is Emotionally, Mentally And Physically Exhausting.!! There Are Also Times I Wanna Cry With The Old People Because Some Of Them Experience Pain And The Pain Meds They Have Don’t Work, But There Is Nothing I Can Do For Them And I Feel Bad For Them..
At My Work I’m Assigned To 1 House With 6 People To Take Care Of And The Things I Have To Do Is Dress Them, Change Their Diapers, Bathe Them, Cook Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner.. Do Their Laundry Clean The House Which Includes Sweeping, Mopping, Cleaning The Bathrooms, Make Their Beds, Clean Their Bedrooms, Water The Lawn And Plants, And Clean The Patio.. Its Very Exhausting Towards The End Of The Day.. But to Be Honest, If My Parents Were To Ever Be In Need Of A Caregiver I Would Take Care Of Both Of Them Because The Way I See It Is Their My Parents, They Took Care Of Me When I Was A Baby, They Fed Me, Changed My Diaper, Raised Me, And The Least I Can Do Is Take Care Of Them When Their Old And Aren’t Capable Of Doing It Themselves.
Oh Yeah And I’m A 20 Year Old Male And I Work As A Live-In Caregiver On The Weekeds..
July 2nd, 2010 at 12:50 pm
@ Eric. Thank you so much for posting that. Right now money is tight from all the medical expenses but first chance I get I am ordering that book. It sounds like exactly what I am doing now. So thanks a million.
@ Junebug you are a GOOD man. I have difficulty just caring for one & it is emotionally & physically draining. I can’t even begin to imagine doing the same for a group of people. It shows you must have a big heart. God bless you.
July 12th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
As I read this post I could only think sad thoughts for people who work in social services as caregivers (which is one word as I am sure you have been told already) and then have to come home and continue the role for their spouses. What a challenging life to lead. I would definitely encourage any person who is providing care services to think of self care. It can be emotional turmoil to think of self when serving as a caregiver. (I don’t have time to feed myself because I have to feed him. I can’t take a break because her needs won’t get met. I can’t consider respite because my spouse will feel deserted, etc.) Still, it is really difficult to provide good care to others when we are not caring for ourselves. Caregivers must care for themselves, too.