AKA
Why Do Men DO That Is Back!
I’ve been wanting to do a he said/she said blog exchange for a great long while. I did one with a blogger months ago and it was quite successful. For various reasons, however, we could not continue to swap posts long-term.
Enter Ben Klempner, a licensed social worker and founder and editor of Effective Family Communication. Not only can he provide some male perspective here from time to time, he’s also a real, bona fide couples expert. (I just play one on TV).
Check out his post here about men and feelings. Then click over to his blog to get my take on why women want to extract feelings from men. Enjoy!
Why Men Don’t Do Feelings
Recently I read a study that indicated that men are almost as emotional as women. So why is it that women express their emotions much more freely than men? I don’t know if there are any easy answers to this question. I also don’t know if any good would come from a greater understanding. But to venture a guess, it probably stems from cultural conditioning. Take for instance the expression “What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That’s what little boys are made of!”
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and all things nice
That’s what little girls are made of!”
Boys are conditioned to be mean and hide their emotions while girls are encouraged to be nice and easily express their emotions.
Being unemotional is considered masculine, while being emotional is considered feminine. Take for instance a study done in Africa in which a group of farmers slaughtered a large group of alpha male chimpanzees. (They had been making trouble for the local farm animals.) With all of the alpha males dead, the more emotionally expressive male chimps took over the herd. These emotionally expressive males were far from typical. They groomed each other and were not interested in violent confrontation with other chimps. The thing about this study is that it found that the next generation of males from this herd were just as emotionally sensitive and expressive, thus proving that aggressive chimp behavior is not instinctual but a learned and culturally conditioned behavior.
How much different are we from chimps? I suppose it depends on how different we choose to be.
Here’s what you really want to know: How can I get my man to open up?
Understand where he is coming from. Understand that men have been culturally forbidden from being emotional. Just take a look at James Bond. Bond is cool and debonair, he can kill a dozen men and make love to a dozen women in the same day without losing a wink of sleep over it all. (Bond sounds like a sociopath to me, by the way).
Search for more subtle signs of emotion. Knowing that men come from a society in which we are not allowed to show emotions will help you to understand that there are more subtle ways of being emotionally expressive. While your man may not be overtly emotional, he may be very emotional in covert ways (i.e. cheering for a ball team or giving you a love pat). Recognize his covert attempts at emotional expressiveness and join him. Cheer for his team and take in interest in the things he gets emotional over.
Understand his fear. Men often live in fear. Men are fearful of a great many things. Although they typically do everything in their power to hide this fact from their woman. Know what your man fears, and be sensitive around those issues.
ASK. A lot of times, getting what we want is as simple as asking. Ask your man how he’s feeling or what’s on his mind. Use the language and terminology he’s most comfortable with. If he tells you he doesn’t want to speak, respect that, but be open to him when and if he changes his mind.
The main thing to remember is this: even if it doesn’t always show, men are emotional. We just express our emotions in more subtle ways than women do. Once you tap into your man’s way of expressing his emotions, you’ll have your man wrapped around your finger and he won’t even know it.
Ben Klempner, LMSW, founder and editor of Effective Family Communication, trained as a social worker at the Barry University School of Social Work, in Miami Shores, Florida. He has worked with a large and diverse variety of peoples. His accomplishments include writing several books and helping individuals and families work through issues such as: Anger Management, Addiction Recovery, Marriage Counseling, Family Therapy, Career Counseling, Depression, Grief, Anxiety.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s easy to see how men and women differ in their showing of emotions and how it’s “trained” into boys. Take a boy infant and a girl infant. In that first year they pretty much cry over the same things – hunger, wet/dirty diaper, tired. Take that into the next year and you’ll see the same for about the first six months. Then it starts to change. I say by two or three male children already get that they aren’t supposed to be a “sissy”.
I think it’s really sad. This is probably why there are also more male serial killers, etc., since they are taught not to express their emotions.
One also has to take into account the different personality types from Myers-Briggs. Some people just aren’t “feelers” and it shows in how the display their emotions. My daughter is a “thinker”, I swear her compassion chip is broken. My husband is also a “thinker”, but after reading enough books on how to interact with a “feeler” (me), he’s so much better at accepting my feelings. And he’s even improved on showing his “feelings”. And I’ve gotten better at dealing with his “thinker” traits.
My ex-husband would cry at all sorts of things. But *I* could never have a bad day without him feeling the need to out drama me. Whatever he had going on was worse. A thousand times worse! Oh, the fun of a bi-polar spouse.
I’m honestly relieved to be with a more typical man. He’s an engineer. He doesn’t gush. He rarely cries but is capable of it. If I’m silly enough to ask what he’s thinking about (rare!), the answer is likely to be the code he’s working on or a plane he’s seen. That’s ok. He’s there for me when I need him and my girlfriends are there for me as well for venting purposes. The trick is I don’t expect him to be my girlfriend and act as such. He’s the man.
.-= Frugal Kiwi´s last blog ..DIY Clean Green Deodorant =-.
Dear Kathy and Frugal Kiwi,
Your comments are both right on target. I think that the basic common denominator in each comment is the need for us men (and people in general) to a) be true to ourselves and our personalities; while, b) finding a healthy and comfortable balance between being overly emotional on the one hand, or being totally unemotional on the other.
Thanks for the great comments.
Ben
The only time my first husband cried, that I can remember, was when I left him. He is French. My second husband is from Sweden and 71. He cries and it always surprises people. I like this about him, that he does not suppress emotion. I thought your audience might be interested in whether he has always cried, or if this phenomenon is relatively new, so I interviewed him on this topic: “Life changed for me around 35. Before that, I couldn’t cry. It was a relief to be able to cry. The change came with a major crisis.” (Divorce split up the four kids in his family; he raised the two older ones.) “I grew up in a traditional macho-man culture. You bottle up suppressed feelings, which, for me, brought on depression. I rejected this culture after my divorce. I cry when it’s appropriate now. Sometimes feelings overwhelm me. I don’t see this as a weakness. Homer’s heroes cry …”
Frugal Kiwi, You’ve got an engineer also. Interesting creatures. LOL!!! I, too, rarely ask what my husband’s thinking about. It’s not that I don’t want to know, I just know I won’t understand. For a girl who does NOT do technical stuff, I do actually understand most of what he says. But, I just rather not use my brain that much. LOL!!! My brain is busy figuring out my next goofiness or the next thing I want to create.
Ben, it took me a bit of time to figure out my husband. Reading numerous books on Myers-Briggs and dealing with my own issues has helped immensely. And I can tell my husband appreciates it.
Alexandra, I think that’s so awesome about your husband. He actually learned to handle (accept) his emotions as they come to him. I don’t see the point in suppressing emotions. Tho I do understand it. I used to suppress my emotions all the time.
I have a husband who isn’t afraid to cry…yet there are a lot of questions I ask to which he answers, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Automatic shut-off. Haven’t yet figured that one out, after all these years.
Communication is not an easy thing… no matter your sex. I too find it difficult to label my own emotions and feelings in my own mind, which makes it that much more difficult to express them.
I hate when my husband asks me what’s wrong over and over, because when I know, I will TELL YOU. I suppose that’s the difference in the sex’s right there, when I understand what is wrong, I will express it and perhaps he won’t, he needs a prompt.
.-= Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife´s last blog ..Happy Easter Dear Readers! =-.
Alexandra, As a male therapist, I can say both professionally and personally that crying feels great. Every so often I’ll cry. I wish I could do it more often because almost nothing feels as purging and simply wonderful as a good cry.
I have never seen my husband cry. Not even close, in 15 years. When he is truly upset, it hits him in the gut—literally, he gets a belly ache. Not seeing him cry is fine with me, because I am not a crier myself. For a woman, I cry rarely. I’m a bit apprehensive because his dad is suffering from a terminal illness, and when my father-in-law passes, that will be one time that I am sure I will cry. I do not expect that my husband will—I think he and his two brothers will power through with a big dose of black humor and an even bigger dose of alcohol. So I’m already having guilt that my inability to control my emotions will make it even more difficult for him to deal with his. It’s going to be a rough time, all around.
My husband never cries, and rarely expresses any negative feelings in anything remotely resembling a constructive manner. Mostly he gets grumpy, and irritable, and doesn’t even know why. I am convinced that he usually does not know what he is feeling. When something bothers him, he can’t talk about, don’t think he can think about it, and he definitely doesn’t cry. I on the other hand cry easily, when we fight I usually end up crying, not to manipulate him as he thinks, but because I just cry easily. The discrepancy between our crying habits is a problem. The irony is, he suffers from depression, I do not.
kcl, It might be worthwhile to attend a support group led by a qualified mental health professional to help you work through the grief of losing your father-in-law. Even if your husband chooses not to attend, you’ll be in a better position to help him work through his feelings without having to resort to alcohol; and of course your husband could attend if he so chooses.
kat, If your husband is suffering from depression it could mean that rather than productively dealing with his emotions his emotions are negatively dealing with him. It might be worth your while to read the book “The Relationship Cure” by Dr. John Gottman. Dr. Gottman provides some useful exercises anyone can do in the comfort of their own home towards building emotionally friendly relationships.
I think that there are also just personality differences that affect how emotional a person is and it has nothing to do with gender. My daughter and husband simply are not as emotional. They don’t think about relationships as much or spend as much time dealing with how things make them feel. However, my son and I seem to be much more emotional and more aware of little nuances.
MarthaandMe, Very true. Thanks for mentioning that point.
Ben, thanks for this article and your informative follow-up comments. I think I’ll check out the book you recommended by Dr. Gottman. I’m looking forward to your next post exchange!
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Routine Maintenance Scheduled =-.
My hubby has cried many times during our years together – I am not the source, thank goodness! When he is feeling stressed and starts thinking about his life he often cries over old pains and old wounds that creep back up from time to time. I just try to comfort him the best I can to make him feel better. I will say I am a fixer so sometimes I move to trying to fix it or trying to find a solution when oftentimes he just needs a shoulder.
My husband and I both cry when sweet things or sad things happen. I was just getting choked up this morning because I was talking to a dad here in town whose daughter was accepted at Cornell and several other excellent schools. He is so proud. So am I. Neither of us revealed the emotion but it was definitely there.
Jennifer, That’s a beautiful experience. Thank you so much for sharing.
One reason men don’t cry is because we like to be self-sufficient – to fix our own problems. Crying is like the emotional equivalent of not being able to assemble a bookshelf. It suggests you are at the mercy of your emotions, not the master of them.
Another thing, and this may just be me. Not much makes me cry, but things that do tend to be pretty major tragedies. Stuff like my grandmother dying, or my wife telling me she didn’t want to be married to me any more. When a major tragedy comes along, my emotions have a very delayed reaction. Initially, I will be very calm, very restrained, very measured. I’m not making myself do that, it comes naturally. I won’t feel any emotion at all. It’ll likely be a couple of days, maybe even more, before the grief hits. It generally hits when I’m alone, so if I do cry, no-one ever sees it. Again, I’m not deliberately avoiding crying when I can be seen, that’s just when the grief hits (but it could be that I’m comforted by the presence of those around me, or distracted by them, so I don’t feel the grief and cry). This could be an instinctual thing – stay calm so I can fix the problem (or deal with the consequences) now, postpone the grief to later when it won’t get in the way.
Having said that, I have welled up a few times when discussing the future (or lack of it) of my marriage with my wife, although I don’t think it’s ever collapsed into a full-on wail.
Culture and socialization have a great effect on the way we perceive sex and gender roles for certain. I would be glad to see a day where it is the norm to allow both sexes to express themselves whenever an emotion came about rather than limiting that expression to girls.
Hooray for LMSWs!
I’m working on that.
Ben is full of crap.
Oh Don–we’re a supportive bunch here, and this is a safe community. I welcome you to share constructive comments and to participate in the community. But I will delete angry attacks.
Despite the advances in society, young boys spend most of their very early years with their mothers primarily. If we are accepting that women express emotion differently from men, then it follows that the boys would pick up on some of that at the early ages. I am thus not sure that they are conditioned to be less emotional. Furthermore, despite having two older brothers, my daughter *never* wore blue pants. She showed an early leaning towards shades of pink and purple, and I got a tongue-lashing from her when I sent her to a pajama party with sweatpants for the next day (it was really very cute). My medium child/younger son caught the first family frog. My oldest never played with dolls, but had a high school-level understanding of paleontology by age five. I continue to see the differences as they get older (oldest one is a teenager).
Forget conditioning. It is possible that men and women are wired differently in this regard.
So…how do you know when he’s a sociopath then? When he is confused/upset when you (the wife) cries? Yeh. it sucks.