What Do You Really Want?

Marriage Improvement Monday

I’ve been thinking about this question ever since Tim Brownson, the brilliant life coach, posed it to me a week ago. Tim has been helping me with my career, but I realized, over the weekend, that this question applies to everything—especially marriage.

Too often, as couples, we fight about “should” and “have-to” and “need” and “ought to be.” Oh, and, of course,  “it’s your turn” and “this isn’t fair” are quite popular, too. And, I don’t know about you, but I often have an “if only” soundtrack that plays in the back of my mind. (In other words, “If only he would just do what I tell him to do.”)

Rarely, though, do we talk about what we want. More important, rarely do we make marital decisions based on it.

First, just think about how these two sentences sound and feel.

You should take out the trash.

I want you to take out the trash.

As a consultant once told me, nobody likes to be should upon. The word “should” sets you up for a fight because it quickly puts your spouse on the defensive. I don’t know about you, but when I hear the word “should,” my first thought is, “Who says so?”

You can’t argue with the word “want” though. How silly would that argument be?

I want you to take out the trash.

No, you don’t.

Yes, I really want this.

No, I don’t think you really do.

See?

Using the word “want” shifts your discussion away from a power struggle and over to a negotiation.

You want me to take out the trash? I can do that, but I really want you to thank me afterward.

Note: I did not promise that this minor language shift would turn your spouse into a robot who does whatever you ask.

More important, though, thinking about what you really want (a better marriage) and reminding yourself about that every so often will help to prevent you from making decisions that will take you farther away from what you want. For instance, in the middle of an argument, you might, at first, think that it would feel ultimately satisfying to call your spouse a lazy, good-for-nothing SOB. Ask yourself, “Will doing this get me closer to what I want?” If the answer is no, you might be able to stop yourself from acting in a way that will hurt rather than help your marriage.

Note that sometimes you’ll want two things that conflict with one another. For instance, you might want a better marriage and you also might want to jump the bones of that adorable French-speaking waiter at Bouley in New York City.  (If you’ve never experienced this young man, you really ought to. He’s Monet for the eyes and Profiteroles for the ears).

Jumping the waiter’s bones—while no-doubt a delightful experience—will hurt your marriage. Yet, if you choose to have a better marriage, then you will end up wistfully staring at the waiter all night long and feel a deep sense of deprivation that you can’t take this young man home with you.

Which choice is the right choice?

This decision is easier than it sounds. Close your eyes (so you are not distracted by the hotness of the French speaking waiter) and ask yourself, “What do I want more?”

For me, it’s the marriage. For you, it might be the waiter. The important point is that you are making a conscious choice. You know that you are choosing one over the other—in both the short term and the long term.

Think about what you really want every time you are tempted to:

• Criticize your spouse
• Talk down to your spouse
• Come up with a very creative yet nasty nickname for your spouse
• Refuse to apologize
• Refuse to say, “thank you” or give an Atta Boy or Atta Girl
• Stonewall
• Not create time to listen to your spouse
• Not support your spouse
• Practice passive aggressive behaviors like door-slamming and eye rolling

In the end, most of us already know the list of ingredients for a happy marriage. But we sometimes can’t bring ourselves to add those ingredients to the marital pot of stew. It’s my belief that the “what do you really want?” question can create the motivation we all need to add the right ingredients to that stew—and leave the wrong ones out—so we can finally cook up the thing that we really want—a happy marriage.

What do you think?

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