It used to be, whenever I would dine with someone I didn’t know well, I’d stay away from controversial topics like politics, religion, abortion and Coke vs. Pepsi. Lately, I’ve found that a particular topic has become even more controversial than all of those added together.
It’s this: the right way to raise a child.
My daughter wore diapers. She also slept in a crib. Those were my chioces. They do not make me a good mother or a bad one.
Particularly on the Internet, I’ve seen otherwise compassionate, open-minded and tolerant people get in heated insult-slinging matches over:
Breast-feeding vs. formula feeding
Cloth diapers vs. store bought diapers vs. no diapers
Co-sleeping vs. crib sleeping
Pacifiers vs. no pacifiers
The No-Cry Sleep Solution vs. Ferberizing
Slings vs. front packs vs. strollers vs. portable car seats
Baby Einstein vs. no TV before age 3 vs. no TV period
Daycare vs. nanny vs. grandparents vs. stay-at-home mom or dad
Public school vs. private school vs. home school vs. un-school
I’m sure there are at least 100 more divisive topics than that. You can list my omissions in the comments area. My point is this: parenting has become polarizing. We’ve taken sides. We’ve turned it into a war of wills—a war of opinions.
Even those of us who pride ourselves on being exceptionally tolerant about many issues seem to be exceptionally intolerant about parenting issues.
But why? Why do those of us who have our kids in daycare, for instance, frequently boast about how our kids are so much smarter and educationally advanced than the typical stay at home kid? (Please bear with me here stay-at-home parents. I’m not arguing this issue. Rather, I’m questioning why we argue it at all).
Why do stay-at-home parents boast about how their kids are so much better behaved than the typical daycare child?
Why do we feel the need to justify our own reasoned choices by attempting to prove that parents who choose the opposite must not only have a very big screw loose but also must not love their children very much because, heck, who would willingly make such a bad choice about their kids?
I think we do it out of fear and out of inadequacy.
I don’t know about you, but my greatest fear in the entire world is this: that I am going to screw up my kid for life.
I feel like a bad mother often, especially whenever I lose my temper.
But I am never a bad mother on purpose. No one is. Every day, I wake up, and I try to be the best mother on the planet.
Yet, even so, I am a bad mother, at times, because I am a human being. I do not have boundless amounts of energy. I do not possess unlimited financial, emotional or physical resources.
There is a limit to my patience.
There is a such thing as a last nerve. Really, I’ve found mine.
And, dang it, I am not completely selfless.
There. I said it.
So, I at times, have been guilty of attempting to make myself feel better by telling myself that someone else must be much worse at being a parent than I am.
For instance, I stopped breastfeeding my daughter when she was 16 months old. Therefore any mother who breast fed fewer months than that or more months than that is fair game for making me feel better about myself. See? It’s like that.
I have lost my temper. It usually happens at bedtime. It usually happens when no other parents are around to witness it. Therefore any parent who loses her temper at the mall with hundreds of other parents around to witness it makes me feel better about myself.
But it shouldn’t. More important, it shouldn’t matter. We’re all doing our best. We’re all facing the same fears, the same sensation of inadequacy, and the same struggles.
We all want to believe that we’ve made the best choices for our children and for ourselves, but we all fear—deep down—that we’ve made a wrong choice or two along the way.
We all want to believe that we are great role models who will teach our children by example all of the skills they need to become happy, high functioning adults. Yet, we all fear that our kids will end up in jail, on drugs, or on the couches of the local psychiatrist’s office where, for years, they will obsess about the varied traumas inflicted on them by their dysfunctional parents.
Or maybe I’m the only parent who has such fears. Maybe I’m the only one who feels inadequate. Maybe I’m the only one who decided to have a child and then thought, “Holy crap! I think I’m in way over my head!”
But I don’t think I am. I think there are a lot of us who feel this fear. And I think instead of arguing about our choices, we could do one another a lot more good if we focused on what we had in common. Instead of ridiculing one another and calling one another the BP word (“bad parent!”), let’s support one another and build one another up.
I’ll start. If you are a parent, you are a good one. I believe in you. I respect your choices, even if I didn’t make the same ones.
We have something in common you and I. It’s this. We both have kids.
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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
You know what else we have in common? We’re so tired… aren’t we? I’m really tired..
.-= Claudine Jalajas´s last blog ..Keep Talking =-.
You don’t have to be an actual parent to be involved. Plus there is always the “your life must be totally selfish since you have no children” line that those of us who are child-free get. Geez.
.-= Frugal Kiwi´s last blog ..Svelte Felt Sphinx Minx =-.
Lordy, I am *dying* to post this on my local neighborhood parents’ message board, where the judgment wars are never-ending. Currently they’re flaming each other over whether a CNN piece about the “mommy mafia” supports the notion that attachment parents are judged by everyone else, or that attachment parents act smugly superior towards everyone else. The whole thing just makes my head hurt. (If you’re interested: http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/wayoflife/04/13/mommy.mafia.jen.klein/index.html?hpt=C2)
.-= debbie´s last blog ..Linkety Split =-.
You are SO RIGHT. Parenting has become a highly polarized issue, just as intensely controversial as politics or religion.
And Frugal Kiwi is right — you don’t have to be a parent to be involved in these debates. I’ve had friends without kids tell me that other friends are bad parents because they let their child sleep in their bed with them and things like that. Everyone’s got an opinion. And I definitely think we do this because we are insecure, and criticizing other people’s choices makes us feel a little better about ourselves.
Thanks for talking about this. Excellent post.
.-= Kathleen Quiring´s last blog ..How Do you Define Marriage? =-.
Hmmm…
There’s potty training schedules and techniques, aka Pull-ups vs. Underwear…
There’s teaching multiple languages at the same time…
There’s Time-Out vs. Spanking, the latter of which is total taboo in educated circles, even if they’re considering it…
And there’s the whole madness of birthday parties and how many people should attend and where it should be held and what costs are the responsibility of the guest and whether or not you should bring a gift and whether or not the hosts should prepare gift baskets for every single child that attends.
For how little time we all actually have, it’s amazing how much we waste on this stuff!
I’m usually feeling bad enough about my parenting shortcomings (i.e. lack of patience) that I don’t want to know how great everyone else wants to believe they are. I used to be involved in a local group that my son was a member of, it was one big popularity thing. Oh, what hell that was. Everyone judges everyone. I can’t be bothered. I was sucked in when I had my first and second. Now, I’m so over it that I end up asking one question, “are you happy with your decision?”. I don’t really want to know the answer, don’t really care. Sounds horrible, I know. I have found that the more people want to discuss how they raise their kids (particulars not generalizations) the more they seem to be justifying their own decisions to themselves. Maybe it’s just that I don’t see the need to to make someone feel bad about their parenting choices. If it works for them, then woo hoo. When I need advice or fresh eyes on a situation with my kids, I ask questions to get a general consensus, but I don’t call these people to let them all know how it turned out or what choice I decided to stick with. I do pay very close attention to how people relate with their kids. It makes a huge difference on whether I’ll let my kid have a play date or sleepover, etc. Unsolicited advice and a holier-than-thou attitude are what make me dread having to meet the parents of my kids’ friends.
I love my friends and family, but Hubby and I are the ones raising our kids and personally, I can’t sleep with a kid doing pinwheels in my back. It sucks for me, while everyone else sleeps great.
One of the nicest things a friend told me after I called her in a panic about my 1st born was, “Claudine, everything I ever said I wouldn’t do; I’ve done. Relax. It’s ok.”
.-= Claudine Jalajas´s last blog ..Keep Talking =-.
You use the term “parents” but I wonder if the term “mother” is more relevant to the discussion. I don’t see my husband or his friends talking, worrying or even caring about these things. Unfortunately, it just seems to be us parents. When I find myself going down the road of judging or worrying about the decisions I’ve made about “decisive topics” I remember all the kids that I grew up with, many of whom I have reconnected with recently on Facebook. You know what? We all turned out ok. I went to their houses, they came to mine. We all saw as kids that every family was different from ours, but we all turned out ok. Many of these decisions seem HUGE to us at the time, but in the long run, I think very few of them matter to the long-term success of our children.
“Holy crap! I think I’m in way over my head!” is what i thought , and still think frequently!!
we are all …
hold that thought, i must share that my 2 year old, nay my NAKED 2 year old, just ran up to me and said “I want an apple”…. my reaction: not ‘why are you naked’ but “sure, they are in the fridge.”
we are all doing the best we can, and as far as i can tell from all my friends and their kids its a pretty darn good job. And Julie is right – we turned out OK and so will our kids.
Julie, as a work-at-home father with two tiny daughters, I can assure you that some fathers are having these debates too—and as long as you keep putting fathers into a box of stereotypical irresponsibility, they’re going to happily stay there with a case of beer.
And even the fathers who have never seen the inside of their child’s diaper are discussing their upbringing. It’s just a different set of topics—circumcision vs. no-circumcision, dating age, sports, self-defense, dinner table manners, etc.
Ron, I didn’t mean to say or imply that fathers don’t care about the up bringing of their children. I simply mean that I think women do more second guessing ONCE THE DECISION has been made, put ourselves down, compare ourselves to other mothers, think we messed up because we yelled at our kids one time, etc. It doesn’t mean that the father doesn’t care about the PROCESS of making the decision. I also apologize if you think that I put men in the box of “stereotypical irresponsibility” because I don’t think any of the men I know fit that image and would hate to think that my comment implied that, it is an image that I am VERY opposed to.
Yeah, I think men are just as guilty of making the parenting judgments as women. The two people who most offended me in the past year were men who said something to the effect of how all daycare children are heathens.
I also think men probably feel as inadequate as we do, but they don’t talk about it as often or at all. I happen to know Ron personally, and he’s one of the rarer evolved guys who is really good at talking about his feelings. But he’s a writer. My husband would probably never fess up to feeling inadequate, even though I know he does from time to time.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Should you role play? =-.
Julie, I see what you’re saying now. And the fact that women are compelled to second-guess themselves (and men often aren’t) is a symptom of a bigger problem—male privilege in society.
Which reminds me of another big parenting debate: raising girls vs. raising boys, and whether there should be a difference!
This post is really moving and really true.
I’ve always wondered (almost daily, actually) how parents do it. I don’t have children (although I have a lot of kids in my life!) and I look at those who do in complete awe.
It’s so nice, and refreshing, to hear a parent ADMIT that they don’t have an endless reserve of time, energy and money.
It’s also great to hear about a parent admitting that they’ve found their own “last nerve,” which by the way, I don’t think you need to be a parent to find that–just saying. LOL!
Anyway, as a non-parent, I do see such a huge competition between parents. I’ve gone to my friends’ kids’ parties and left early because the arguing between fellow parents who are supposed to be celebrating the birth of their child (or childs friend) turn it into an opinion gauging party. It’s really, really sad.
I think (again, I don’t KNOW, but I THINK) being a parent would be (and is) the hardest thing on Earth (even tougher than being a spouse, at least for most people) and why parents berate one another is beyond me.
There ARE endless ways to raise a child, but you’re absolutely right, Alisa, EVERY parent is afraid they’ll screw their kid up for life and EVERY parent just wants their kid(s) to be happy–that’s all.
So, at the end of the day, you’re all way more a like than you are different.
I especially see a fierce competition between mommies, and I’ve known mothers who go to mommy groups just to gossip, like, I’m sorry, are YOU the 7 year old or what?! It’s like parents turn into gossipy little teenagers or something, okay, that sounded judgemental, I’m sorry.
But seriously, I think parents need to hear this post.
If I, as a non-parent, know what you’re talking about, than other parents MUST feel your pain, inadequacy and so on. I too think parents should ban TOGETHER, because I DO believe it takes a VILLIAGE to raise a child, and at the end of the day, the child will grow up, make their own choices and do whatever they want anyway–so at a certain point, parents have to let go.
I don’t want to say what I think makes a bad parent, because I’m not one so I really have NO place to judge, and EVERY person SAYS they will or will not do certain things w/ their own kids UNTIL they have them!
But I will say this: I think as long as kids KNOW they’re loved, they’re provided for (the basics; food, shelter, clothing, a reasonable education–not manicures and designer clothes–but hey, if a parent can afford to, fine with me!), and they have a sense of family, responsibility and compassion for others–I think they’ll turn out just fine! I really do.
I think as long as parents give their kid(s) love, quality time, occasional indvidual attention, boundaries and a sense of fun and joy for living–that’s really all a parent NEEDS to do. Everything else is optional. Obviously, if a child is passed around from home to home or raised around drugs or addiction, that’s another matter. That’s just my personal opinion, though.
This is an awesome entry though and I think, this could start a whole OTHER blog! Perhaps that’s why “Mommy Blogs” are so popular!
And I agree with Frugal Kiwi–I don’t like the automatic assumption that because I may not want children that I must be “incredibly selfish”.
Sometimes, I think people HAVE children for selfish reasons, and sometimes, in a case like mine, and for many people actually–if you KNOW you could not take care of them in the way that you would like to, or they deserve–or if you want to do OTHER things with your life (write, travel, teach, hang out with your spouse, etc.) that’s absolutely okay!
In those cases, I think it’s better NOT to have children.
Children change EVERYTHING and become a parents’ MAIN focus (as they pretty much should) and once you have a child, there’s just not as much room in your life for other stuff.
Yes, you can still make yourself a priority at times, but you know, it’s hard. I’m not a parent and I can see that. Not having children is not selfish, sometimes, it’s the most responsible, mature thing a person can do. And no, my life is not devoid of children–in fact, I have SO MANY in my life I have three child-related parties to attend next Saturday! Lucky me, and I mean that sincerely, I am a blessed woman!
Lastly, GOD BLESS PARENTS EVERYWHERE! You are my heroes!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I think a lot of comparing comes down to a few things: People’s needs to *outdo* another parent (aka competition) and people’s needs to *reassure* themselves that they are doing a good job (aka guilt or insecurity).
My two cents…now that my kids are about-grown and I can let them worry about doing things right!
I read an article recently that helped me let go of some of the guilt. It said this: motherhood is a relationship not a job. When I looked at it from that perspective, it felt like the load was lightened.
Jobs come with expectations, results, measurable data, bonuses (not to mention salaries!) Relationships are personal. Satisfaction comes from growth in a relationship, not a performance review.
You often hear that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. And we believe it. But hey. I watched Food 101 and I’d rather raise my kids than gut cattle (just sayin’).
What if I said, being a sister is the hardest job in the world. Suddenly my sister starts to feel different. Sure, some relationships are more complex than others. But we have to stop looking at motherhood (fatherhood, too) as a job.
Judging from my three children, I would add that each child is different, and that the same parenting can affect different children in different ways.
I always thought I had been a good mother. I certainly did my best. And, I was doing it in a foreign country – France. Then, recently, my 30-year-old daughter told me the opposite, that I had not been a good mother. That was devastating. I think everyone does their best. I swallowed hard and let her talk, because that was what she needed.
You know what? You may think mothering gets easier as children grow up, but you would be wrong. It only gets more complicated …
I have only recently become a mommy (3-1-2010) but I have already been thrown into the cycle, constantly being judged for not circumising my son. We are also doing several “unconventional” things, Such as no pacifier, cloth diapers and wipes, and I had a natural childbirth. It’s ridiculous how much drama all of these things bring to your life! I must admit though, I have looked at the mom giving the formula bottle, or letting her baby cry itself to sleep, or yelling at their kids in public, and I feel superior somehow, although I know there is no reason for it. Nothing makes one mom superior to any other, we are just all different, and all have different ways of doing things. I am going to have to work really hard to accept this one!
Oh Alexandra.. your comment TUGGED at my heart! I have a brother that told my mother something similar. While I do many things differently, I could never tell my mother something like that–but I could have before I was 30. When I was 30 I had my first child. Before then, I was an OUTSTANDING mother, able to spot all the wrong and stupid mistakes mothers, my own included, made with pinpoint accuracy. 12 years later and I realize what an ass I was. Also, you’re right.. while in one respect it’s a lot easier to not be constantly on call for an infant.. a 12 yr old is proving interesting. Interesting like you’re reading an encyclopedia, in Italian, and it’s spitting at you too….
.-= Claudine Jalajas´s last blog ..Keep Talking =-.
Careful, someone might think you’re a mommyblogger.
Heck, during an agonizing, no drugs delivery, I wanted to leave the hospital, deliver when the baby was 18 and could move out of the house. That’s how much I felt “in over my head”.
My daughter is all grown – 24 years old. She and I haven’t talked in about 7 weeks. She really pissed me off and I really pissed her off.
Guess what, we all do our best at being a mother/parent. I raised my daughter very differently than I was raised. I didn’t want to mess with her self-esteem, I didn’t want her to ever feel unloved, neglected, abandoned, etc., and I didn’t want to abuse her. But even in her late-teens I was told I didn’t raise her right, by her. Dang, they don’t come with a manual. You don’t know their full personalities and what exactly their needs/wants/desires are to give them everything that they need/want/desire.
I know deep down I wasn’t a bad mother. Or a perfect mother. But I did my best and what I did at that time I thought was the right choice. Now that I’m older, I’m sure I would have done a few things differently. But, I can’t go back and change anything I did or didn’t do.
I’ve spent my life being messed up by my mother (neglect, unloved [or didn't get that she loved me] and abused) – guess what, I’m still a good person, I have compassion and empathy and I didn’t repeat on my daughter what was done to me.
In my opinion – we can do our very best and they either turn out OK or they don’t. My mother did her worst (in my opinion), but I still turned out OK, because I’m the person I was going to be no matter what upbringing I received.
Even tho my daughter and I aren’t talking right now – she’s still a productive person to society, she is an awesome friend to her friends and she has a heart (I think with others, but not with me so much at this time). And I’m sure she thinks I did a bad job raising her. But I did my best at the time.
I’m heading into my 48th year and I’m still growing and learning how to be a better person and getting over my childhood. We can’t have children in our 60s when we’re nearly finished learning all we learn in life. We do the best we can.
Personally, unless you’re out right neglecting your child and/or abusing your child (mentally, emotionally, physically) or not letting your child you love them – you’re a great parent for being a parent and giving it a shot.
Thanks everyone for allowing me a big sigh of relief today.
If you LOVE your kids your doing it right!
Alexandra–I think most children go through a phase where they blame their parents for all of their misery. It’s like this moment in life where they stop and think, “I’d be happy if only…” And we also like to idolize our parents and think that they could have been perfect. It sometimes takes being a parent to realize the falsehood of that.
I hope she eventually comes to see the truth–that you are someone who loves her and will continue to do so no matter what. And that you always have.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Should you role play? =-.
Boy, do I have opinions about this topic! The first point I’ll make is regarding the internet vs. real life. I have never, ever in my 4 yrs of parenting witnessed a nasty argument about any of these topics in person. I have witnessed, and participated in, heated debates, but they were respectful and balanced, I hope.
Now, online is a different story. The anonymity of the internet allows people to feel free to voice all sorts of opinions and insults without thought to who’s reading it and reacting to it. That’s sad, because the internet can also be a great source of information and support for parents.
I think parents react most strongly to the issues they’re most sensitive or conflicted about. TV, for instance, is a hot-button issue for me. I feel a lot of guilt about it, so I’m constantly measuring my sons’ verbal and social skills against kids who don’t watch TV, and I’m constantly second-guessing myself for what or how much I let my kids watch. So naturally I’m more inclined to argue about that topic with other parents. Although usually I just keep my opinions to myself or my blog.
.-= Abby´s last blog ..Home Work =-.
I’ve never understood these “wars.” It seems to me that each person has to make his/her own decisions based on their child, their lifestyle, their beliefs, etc. What’s right for me isn’t right for you. And as a parent of two I can say that what works for one kid doesn’t necessarily work for the other. Parenting is hard work. It is challenging every single day and you can’t always bring your A game.
As an empty nester, I have two girls 29 and 22 and one boy 26 I can recall all the self-trauma I put myself through in every stage of their lives.I remember running my first daughter to the doctor because her stools were red only to be embarrassed as the nurse pointed out I had started to feed her baby food beets or the time I OD’d my little one on Robitussin because I didn’t understand baby doses.
There still isn’t a really good baby manual and I think the overwhelming job of a parent is to mirror love, support, and always making sure your children feel safe and secure. Children understand anger, they understand tired, they also understand love even as infants.
I raised mine as a single parent for over 6 years as they were small then met a wonderful man who loved them and helped me raise them. I give him kudos because my oldest daughter was 13 years old when he married me and we know good morning can sound like f-you coming from a 13 year old girl. That man would walk across hot coals for those kids and I know he had his share of “What do I do” moments although to here him tell it he would only say” What did I do to ever get this blessed”.
Love your children, everything else will work itself out. Love them, accept them and let them know they have immeasurable value.
OK, off my box.
All parents go through three stages in their children’s minds.
1) We are Gods- as infants we answer all their needs without words just the type of cry and a kiss can heal.
2) The teenage , early 20-30 years where we are so stupid they have no idea how we function in society. We know nothing.
3) We are so smart again because they have had to function in society and they have held their own first scary little miracle.
I don’t think there is any shortcut through these different phases.Alexandra, Kathy you were good mothers just because you care that your children think you are.
PS My son hasn’t talked to me since before Christmas! Maybe there is just something going around.
Oh my, did this hit home! When I was a stay at home Mom I got so wrapped up in these types of discussions. I was (and probably still am) very judgemental about other parents’ decisions, and to say that it comes from fear about our own decisions so hits the nail on the head!
My husband asks me why I watch those shows about morbidly obese people, and I tell him, it makes me feel better about being 10 pds overweight. Pathetic I tell you! We SOOO want to believe that we are always doing the right thing for our children that we can’t help but defend until we are blue in the face. And again, we feel that if someone isn’t doing it our way, they MUST be wrong. Even as I type this, I can feel my blood pressure start to rise, LOL!
I think perhaps because children are defenseless, so to speak, so we see “bad parenting decisions” being made (according to our own truths), and fear for the upbringing and well-being of those children. Or at least that is what we tell ourselves.
I think we are entitled to our opinions about child-raising, i.e., I think breast feeding is best, I think co-sleeping is not good, I think pacifiers and TV are ok. But our urge to tear down others who think bottle feeding is ok, co-sleeping is fine and pacifiers and TV are the devil, is where we have to shut up and deal. The world is not going to come crashing down because your sister-in-law gives their baby a pacifier at 6 weeks old. I guess maybe we should save our outrage over terrorism or sexual predators or whatever! I will be the first to admit, it’s very hard to do!!! Nothing is more personal than child rearing decisions, it’s so easy to judge others.
I will take this post to heart and work on being less judgemental. I’m not making any promises, but I will try!!! Thanks Alisa for another great post!
Joanne, you made me laugh. Thank you. “Maybe there is just something going around”. Yes, mid-20s and we’re adults so you can’t give us your opinion no matter how logical it is. I wonder if there is a pill for that? Just kidding. I know it’s just time before they have the realization that just maybe we knew what we were talking about.
I know this might sound bad, but it’s been very calm, after the first month of depression, since my daughter and I haven’t been talking. I don’t have to fix her problems. And if she’s not calling for advice to fix her problems, I also don’t have to hear about mid-20s drama of her and her friends.
Thankfully, my gal pal is friends with my daughter on Facebook, so I’ll be informed if anything really bad is going on in my daughter’s life, if she doesn’t call me herself. In the meantime, I’m not arranging my schedule around her morning phone call.
Joanne, do mean we have to wait until they have a child of their own, before they realize what a tough job it is raising a child (your point #3)? If so, my daughter may never have that realization. She’s been in the room with too many of her friends having babies and is scared to have one and thinks that it’s not a job worth having (yes, I heard her say this – maybe it should have made me ask her a few questions).
@ claudine: yes, so desperately tired
Maybe I missed this somewhere, but if noone has mentioned it: some of the choices we make are not really choices. For example, for medical reasons not being able to breast feed. Yes, these parents are still judged! Actually this was a benefit for me, the dad, with my child. It meant that I was able to be doing more of the feeding with her and getting closer to her that way, but of course noone considers that.
Thank you.
“And, dang it, I am not completely selfless.
There. I said it.” Hahahahahaaaaaa! I love it. You said it and I think it. You go girl!
Wow, this is spot-on! Everyday I talk to a parent that is second-guessing their parenting skills. In fact, I don’t know anyone that hasn’t. Unfortunately, most people point the finger at the parents when their kid makes a mistake instead of acknowledging the fact that even OUR OWN children make mistakes, of which we cannot always predict or prevent.
For parents that judge, I offer this quote (which I RT’d from holisticmom on Twitter):
“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” Wayne Dyer
.-= Angie Blackwell´s last blog ..End Parental Guilt and the Unrealistic Quest for Perfection =-.
I share many of your fears and I don’t even have children yet! I also get bombarded with explanations about why I should home-school, breast-feed, and not allow my children to watch TV constantly — even though I am a public school educated, formula-fed, TV watching woman who turned out just fine. If only I weren’t so busy worrying about being adequate, maybe I wouldn’t spend so much time listening to what other people think I should do with my non-existent children…