AKA
Session #1 with Coach Tim
All my life, I thought of myself as an exceptionally screwed up individual (note, Coach Tim, I realize that in calling myself a “screwed up individual” I am strengthening a self-limiting belief, but I couldn’t figure out how to explain this otherwise.) Imagine my relief when, during my first free coaching session, Coach Tim told me that I’m so normal and well adjusted that he’s not sure whether he can help me.
Well, once he said that, you know I made sure to ramble off all sorts of abnormal facts about myself, like how, just that morning, when I was walking the dog, I started thinking about what would happen if I were in the bank while it was being robbed and what I would do if I got shot. I told him that I have my whole “if a serial killer breaks into my house” safety plan mapped out. For instance, I’ll secretly dial 911 from my cell phone while it’s in my pocket, and the serial killer will be none the wiser because I’ll be distracting him by telling him how handsome he is.
You know what Coach Tim told me? He said that nearly everyone has thoughts like that, even him. I told him that my husband never worries about serial killers or bank robberies. Coach Tim didn’t exactly call my husband a liar, but he didn’t exactly sound convinced either.
So I’m normal, depending on whom you compare me to, anyway. The good news is that Coach Tim still agreed to help me.
We talked about a lot of stuff during our call. If I wrote about all of it, you’d be reading this post for three years, so I’ve boiled it down to the three things he said that I thought were exceptionally brilliant.
- All of the mood states that I tend to avoid as if they were serial killers are actually very normal, and they are here to teach me something. For instance, the nervousness I get before public speaking and the fearful thoughts about accidentally peeing my pants or pulling a Janet Jackson all have what Coach Tim calls a positive intent. If I would just stop arguing with such worries and instead look for the positive intent behind them, they would lose their power. I will try this on Friday during my speech, as well as during a subsequent networking event. I will let you know how it all goes. By the way, Coach Tim tells me that a Janet Jackson moment could be just what my career needs.
- I can’t win an argument with myself or with a 5-year-old for that matter, so I might as well try Coach Tim’s favorite Jedi Mind Trick instead. The next time my daughter is being a whiney puss and won’t get dressed on the very morning when I am grumpy and also have a migraine and therefore am quite worried that I will blow and say something very hurtful that my daughter will end up telling her therapist about 20 years later, I should ask her the following: “What would have to happen for you to get dressed?” Now, my pessimistic negative thoughts that do not define me (see Coach Tim? Progress is being made!), but are, nonetheless there for me to listen to and learn from (See? Progress!) are telling me, “She’s going to tell you that she needs you to take her to McDonald’s and then buy her the entire Zhu Zhu pet village in order to make getting dressed happen.” I just told those thoughts to sit and spin. Let’s see if they listen.
- My goals are too easy to attain. Coach Tim asked me about my goals. At first I told him about all sorts of very realistic and attainable goals such as working on projects that make me happy and with people I admire and like. He kept asking for more. Eventually he extracted this from the deep recesses of my soul: I want my book to end up on the NY Times bestseller list. Note: I haven’t even told my husband this because it’s an embarrassing thing for me to want. It’s embarrassing because all authors want a bestseller and I don’t know how many times I’ve given authors the “it’s still a great book even if it isn’t a bestseller” talk. And, for the record, my book is a great book, even if it never appears on the bestseller list. But the bestseller list? It would be nice. It would be like waking up one morning to find out that my boobs are perky again.
I thought Coach Tim was going to give me the “won’t it still be worth it even if it’s not a bestseller?” talk, but he did the opposite. He asked me if I wanted to aim a bit higher. So I told him that I wanted to be the next Elizabeth Gilbert. When I said that, I thought Coach Tim was going to think, “Oh. My. God. Is this deluded woman really serious? Why not ask for Sainthood and a billion dollars while she’s at it?!” That’s not what he thought, apparently. He emailed me later and said, “You might think about reaching higher than that.” I’m still trying to figure out what higher than The Next Elizabeth Gilbert could possibly be for me. But I think it’s something like this: To make decisions without taking money into account at all.
While I’m at it, I would like to feel like a success 100 percent of the time. No longer do I want to sink into Personally Induced Suck-i-Tude whenever I get an email from an editor asking for a revision.
Finally, I’d like to be able to go on a wine and chocolate bender without getting a stomachache or a headache the following day.
Is that aiming higher than The Next Elizabeth Gilbert? What do you think?
Note: Coming next, the story of my networking event and my speech at my upcoming conference before they take place. Stay tuned.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
You wrote: While I’m at it, I would like to feel like a success 100 percent of the time. No longer do I want to sink into Personally Induced Suck-i-Tude whenever I get an email from an editor asking for a revision.
I’m no life coach or therapist, but wouldn’t the above (feel like a success 100% of the time) limit your growth? Don’t we grow from our feeling not quite successful enough? If you felt like a success 100% of the time, you wouldn’t need your book to be on the bestseller list, you’d already have the accolades in your own head.
OK, you’re blog got me into my philosophical phase, which I rarely go to except with my BFF. Sorry!
DUDE!
aim higher. This is not worthy of you, this EAT, PRAY, LOVE envy. This had to marrythemanbecausehecouldn’tbeletintothestatessoIwroteabookenvy. It’s ridiculous. Its silly. SPEAK AND BE LOVED I say! I have the same bouts of self-doubt and trauma, that my painting will not be “good enough” that someone will not “understand” it. That I will somehow fall flat on my face, or I will will have managed to sweat through my pits or pissed myself in public. GAH! How much more inanely inadequate do we have to feel? STOP IT!
Go forth and sell best. The rest can wear a cone to prevent them from licking their wounds excessively.
See, even animal lick their wounds to their own detriment. It’s natural. So STOP IT!
Smooch,
Crazy-Ass Artist Chick
(who loves sex toys, please send sex toys)
This is a great post, but what mad me literally laugh SO HARD was this: “[having my book on the best seller list] would be like waking up one morning to find out that my boobs are perky again.” Absolutely hilarious! I agree that all authors want their books to be best sellers, and you’re right, best-selling or not, most books are pretty darn great! I don’t think you should feel stupid wanting to be on that list, your husband probably wants you to be as well because he knows this is your dream, and how hard you have worked–together–to achieve that very dream! Coach Tim sounds cool!
Thank you for the laugh and the update!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
P.S. The wine/chocolate bender…yeah, me too! I’d love to do that without consequences–sounds like heaven to me! When you figure out to make that one happen, please let me know!
-Sarah Liz
Ginny: Thanks for the smile. You and my mother (also an artist) should meet. Whenever I start acting like a dog (licking my wounds) I will think of your quote: “Speak and be loved! Go forth and sell!” Also, for sex toys, someone gets a gift certificate every month here for them ($25 worth), so just comment away and get in the top 10 and you’ll in in the running.
Kathy: Wow, deep. You made me think deeply pre caffeine, but I think you’re onto something there. Very Buddha like. (Actually, I read it and thought, “Is Coach Tim commenting here already?)
Sarah Liz: Love you honey. Keep writing!
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..How to Get Along with an Introverted Spouse =-.
Yippee! I’m so happy this process with Tim has begun. Now let’s all visualize Alisa’s book on the best-seller list. (If only a return to perkiness were this easy)
I’m going to write a book too, one of my goals is return of perkiness! Nice job, you’re doing great and how many of us I wonder, read your post thinking that’s me, boobs aside (so to speak-this is getting weird). Tim seems like a fantastic guy, which is still why he’s my super secret cyber crush, and I think he made a fantastic choice in you. Looking forward to your next post. ,
.-= Erin OBryan´s last blog ..My Weighty Issues =-.
@ Kathy – It’s not a question of need, nobody needs a best-seller, they want one. Being fulfilled and successful does not stifle growth far from it. Complacency might, but that’s a whole different conversation.
There really is no 100% because the bar gets raised all the time. OTOH, sometimes peoples success is derived from being where they are and not where they think they should be, because success is completely subjective.
That’s a hamfisted and poorly explained way of saying, no
But hey, I have 2 dogs to walk and my head hurts.
.-= Tim Brownson´s last blog ..What Do You Really, Really Want? =-.
Dear Alisa; I am sure your book will be wonderful. Your blog is witty, insightful, hope rendering and thought provoking I can’t wait for a whole book. I will read it with a nice Chardonney and some Gevalia though, so you can enjoy that thought.
Kathy- I’m with Tim on this one. we keep evolving so 100% is never acheived we raise or change the bar because that is where true growth is.
Ginny- As the owner of many dogs, wow how insightful, i wish i could be that metaphorical. You are an inspiration.
Tim- Since this is my first ever blogging effort, I had to go to your link to see who you were. Sorry, I just love to get new inspiration from the new people I meet. I will read the first 3 chapters during my lunch break.
Return to perkiness, lol. Yeah, I have 4 kiddies. I’ve given up on any hopes of perkiness. I am of the mind of; write book, sell said book, purchase perkiness with the proceeds. That would be my only hope at this point.
I never used to think about being robbed or stabbed or gutted or otherwise attacked, until I had kids. Now everything I do is laced with a “pre-doom checklist” so to speak. Okay, maybe not everything, but it feels like it since I never used to think about that stuff. It’s weird and I feel so old. I’m kind of glad that Hubby isn’t like that. He is much more free in thought than I. I tell myself it balances things out and my kids will be nice and normal. I can dream can’t I.
I am going to try tip #2 on my 7 year old to see what happens, who knows what he will ask me for.
It’s important that what you aim for is something that makes you want nothing more. I could aim to go to the moon, but that doesn’t mean i’d be happy there. Even though it’s quite the accomplishment to get in a spaceship and go there…what’s actually there? I would still want and need a lot of things that aren’t there so going to the moon is not “high enough” for me.
Your post also makes me want to ask, why do we feel like there needs to be a gauge that marks us as “successful” – being on the best seller list, having x number blog subscribers or traffic, making a certain amount of money to afford a certain type of lifestyle. Why do we measure success these ways? This is not to say I think its silly to not want to be on the list or set goals or know your dreams, because it’s not…but you need to know the why that list means so much, and then the deeper meaning to that reason to really understand what to aim for. I think once you get that, there’s really not much that will stop you.
I like this Coach Tim. I think I’ll call him!
Girlfriend, we are so getting your book on the bestseller list. I can’t wait to read it and I have already started bragging about it (even though I haven’t read it yet). So there.
Go Coach Tim. Go Alisa Bowman. NYT, here we come.
Chelle–Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that since I read Kathy’s comment, because if I didn’t ever drop into Personally Induced Suck-i-Tude, I wouldn’t need to see my name on the bestseller list in order to know that I’m a great writer. I would just know it. And that’s what I really want, right? (I know…only I know the answer to that question). Actually, though, getting on the list does help me do something beyond feel good about myself and my book, and that is (I swear, really) a lot of what is behind that dream. If I get on the list, it opens the door for me to write more and write about whatever I want. And writing about what I want whenever I want is the ultimate dream.
For instance, I’m guessing Elizabeth Gilbert could tell her publisher, “I’m going to write a book about maggots. I’m feeling it!” They would say, “Well, how can we doubt her? The woman sells books.” So they would completely support her as she writes a book about maggots.
That’s what I want–the support to write about the topics I most love and care about. And, oh, there are at least 5 of them (ie 5 more books) in my head just waiting to get out.
Now, you might say that I don’t need to wait for a publisher to agree to publish these books. That would be true. But it would help to not have to write them in my spare time–you know…. between the full time job I have and of being a mommy.
So I think, after a LOT of thought this week, that the bestseller part is really a goal that is a stepping stone to making the dream come true.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..How to Get Along with an Introverted Spouse =-.
I am now over 50 so I am doing alot of “taking stock” of where I am, more importantly, where I really want to be, and what I need to do to get there. Alot of what you’ve all contributed in this post has had me thinking. To me the “Best Seller List” is a wonderful lofty, worthwhile, goal and while it is a stepping stone to a future it is definitely a success moment all it’s own. There is no problem with measurements as long as you don’t limit yourself by them. To measure where you are by the people you love or love you, the money you have, the professional achievements you’ve earned or however you choose to access your evolution is absolutely fine. It lets you analyze what you’ve done and still need to do. It is the measurement of the “whatever” it takes part of the whatever you want when you want aspect of happiness.
I have a question. After your three sessions have bee used up, is his advice and guidance so good that you’ll keep using him? Is it worth paying for?
Sarabeth–I actually get more than three sessions (I think it’s up to 6 months), and I’ve only had one session so far. But the answer is definitely yes. I think Tim is going to be my go to guy for the rest of my life. Better than any therapy I’ve tried to date. And that’s just after one session.
I like the way this coach sounds. With or without him, I have no doubt that you will get everything you want. How could you not? You already remind me of Elizabeth Gilbert
I especially like his question, “What would it take for you to XXX?” Instead of giving up, it gives us hope, and gives the other person an opportunity to negotiate (without them really knowing that we’re open to negotiating…)
Today is marriage counseling day with the hubby. I honestly can’t tell you what if anything is improving. I think the coaching and counseling may be a wonderful way to get at some root causes, dig beneath the surface, the first step to healing but I think you are right Alisa, it will be a lifetime thing.
In my heart of hearts, I know this process is somehow bringing my husband and myself closer. I see it in his eyes and I feel it when we are together. That will be enough for now. Someday we will be that old couple that younger people envy because we are slowly but surely becoming more comfortable wearing our love openly, Sarabeth maybe it is worth the expense.
I shudder when I think what would have happened if we hadn’t spent the money. I was one foot out the door. Our therapist asked we commit to 6 months before ending our marriage. Three months in and I feel genuine hope for the future.
I wonder what your coach would say about trying to come up with serial killer scenarios for the book I am always writing and then scaring the carp out of myself in the process – does that seem normal??? You, Alissa, on the other hand are quite normal and grounded. BUt everyone benefits from a neutral opinion.
.-= Andi´s last blog ..French Friday – French by Heart =-.
This is interesting. I think most of us don’t verbalize higher goals like that because we think the risk of failure is too high. What does Coach Tim say about how you’re supposed to feel if you set such a goal and don’t meet it?
MarthaandMe: As it so happens, Coach Tim wrote about your question today. I think your comment inspired him to write it. Not sure. But here’s the link: http://www.adaringadventure.com/blog/wordpress/life-coaching/lower-your-standards/
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..What are your turn offs and turn ons? =-.
I compartmentalize my thoughts, so I think aiming higher than being the next Elizabeth Gilbert would still be related to writing and publishing. My perception of aiming higher is that you would be able to churn out best-sellers at a John Grisham/Nora Roberts/God rate without ever experiencing writer’s block AND becoming the most-read nonfiction writer of the next decade.
…and no, that is not to insinuate the Bible is fiction — I realized the other two happen to be nonfiction which neither you nor God [in my belief] author.