One of the hardest lessons we learn in marriage (and in our other relationships, too) is this: it’s impossible to meld and become one. We are two separate humans with two separate personalities.
This realization is often scary. My spouse isn’t just like me? What’s wrong with him?! Because if something isn’t wrong with him, then something must be wrong with me!
That’s why it’s so tempting to try to mold our spouses into versions of ourselves.
But doing so is not only unhealthy, it’s a recipe for marital discontent. As soon as you go about trying to change an ingrained aspect of your spouse’s personality – say by trying to make a loner more outgoing or a quiet person more talkative—you are basically telling your spouse, “There’s something wrong with you. You are not good enough.” And no one likes to hear that.
For instance, I’m an introvert. I also probably have some sort of sensory issue that you all can have a lot of fun diagnosing in the comments. This sensory issue was never diagnosed, thank God, so I managed to get through childhood without being labeled as someone with the D-word (disorder). Basically, I am sensitive to light, sound and scent. Too many conflicting sounds are difficult for me to understand. Like in restaurants, when a lot of people are talking at once, I can’t separate the voices so everyone sounds just like the teacher in Peanuts.
I get exceptionally sensitive to light, sound and scent when I’m tired, when I’m hormonal or whenever I get the bright idea that someone like me can do that thing called multitasking. Like, tonight, I tried to bake chicken thighs while also microwaving a few things and simultaneously washing the dishes. During all of this, my daughter kept asking me questions like, “What is a gridiron?” and “Do you know that Neptune is blue?”
Oh, and the stupid dog kept barking.
I dang near almost checked myself into a mental asylum, let me tell you. At one point I started shouting, “Where is the stupid oven mitt? Who took my oven mitt? Where did someone put my oven mitt?” Keep in mind that the only other beings in the kitchen were my 5 year old and my dog, and my 5 year old had not moved from her position at the table the entire time. Now, my dog is capable of a lot of sneaky things, but he doesn’t generally hide oven mitts just to see if he can irritate me.
You want to know where the oven mitt was? It was right in front of me, where I’d just left it.
My husband came home some time later. The poor man. You will understand why I call him that soon. Promise.
I greeted him with a, “Heh.” That was about all I could manage. My daughter rarely greets my husband. It’s a stage she’s going through. She clings on me and tells me she loves me and that she will never let me go. If Daddy asks for a kiss, she runs and hides in her bedroom.
But the dog wagged his tail. “At least someone is happy to see me,” my husband said brightly.
Later, after getting our daughter to sleep, I said, “You don’t want to be around me right now.” He waved his hand in front of his nose. He assumed I was broadcasting that I’d eaten beans for lunch.
“No, not because of that,” I said. “I’m grumpy. You might want to stay away from me.”
“Why are you grumpy? How was your day?” he asked.
Sweet, right? It was. He’s sweet. But I wanted to amputate his vocal cords. The only thing I wanted in that moment was an empty house.
“You’re leaving, right? You’re going out tonight, right?’ I asked.
“Yeah,” he said.
I said, “Good, I think that’s for the best. I really need to be alone.”
He understood about as much as someone who doesn’t have a sensitivity to sound, scent, and light and who doesn’t get into grumpy snits can. That’s to say that he understood that whatever was wrong with me was not his fault. It’s not to say that he didn’t think that I was in dire need of a little pill that might work some magic among the neurotransmitters in my brain.
As soon as he left, I felt better, much better. My daughter was asleep. My dog was curled up in a tight ball. The house was quiet. I was alone. Nothing smelled funny. I ate a chocolate covered banana. Cold and hot things always soothe me. I don’t know why. I’m sure it’s part of the disorder I have that does not have a name.
So then I wrote this post that rambles on and on and doesn’t offer much in the way of helpful information.
I don’t want to disappoint. I’m much too sensitive and grumpy to add feeling like a failure to my list of troubles, so here are a few tips for getting along with an introverted spouse.
- When your spouse says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” believe it. We get grumpy. We require solitude. It’s nothing personal.
- Help your spouse find moments of solitude, especially if you have children. If your spouse seems grumpy, offer to take over as a parent and suggest your spouse do whatever he or she needs to do to re-energize.
- If your spouse grunts one-word answers to your questions, it probably means that your spouse does not have the emotional ability to carry on a conversation in that moment. Again, this is nothing personal. Every time you ask a question, your spouse’s nervous system reacts as if it were just plunked down in the middle of a loud rock concert where two completely different types of bands – say Moby and Rush—are playing in the same room, at the same time, and at 1000 decibels each–along with millions of cheering fans who are crowded so close together that they are sharing each other’s air. And while that might turn you on, it’s torture for an introvert. If you really need to get an answer to your question, write it down and ask your spouse to give you an answer at his or her earliest convenience.
- If you are an extrovert and in need of companionship, allow your introverted spouse to offer companionship in spurts. Introverts can be social. We can be conversationalists. We can even be engaging. But we can only do it sometimes. We have an on, but our on only works if you allow us to have a lot of off, too.
- Create a quiet haven for your introverted spouse. It might be a spare bedroom or somewhere in the basement or even a closet. It could be the garage. Wherever it is, it’s a Do Not Disturb Zone. That way your spouse can put him or herself in timeout as needed, so you don’t have to.
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? How do you deal with your spouse’s personality differences? Care to diagnose my little syndrome? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
TAY (2)
50 Proposals (1)
Alexandra (1)
Ande Lyons (1)
Angelina Whiteney (1)
Artemisia (1)
AS (1)
ash (1)
Christine (1)
Conrad Lotz (1)
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m an introvert and my husband is an extrovert. In fact, I call him Gregarious Gary. He’s just that chatty. Most of my quirks are socially, outside the house, but here are the two solutions we’ve come up with so far.
1. He plays concierge in social gatherings. Funnels interesting people to me, lets me quietly people watch, checks in on me and makes sure he introduces me to people or I’d probably never meet anyone.
2. Set time limits for get togethers. I can be ‘on’, but only for a couple hours before I feel exhausted by people and conversation and being ‘on’. So we’ve learned that if we’re headed out with friends or to someone’s house, there’s got to be a start time and an end time. As often as possible, these things are not allowed to drag indefinitely.
.-= Newlywed & Unemployed´s last blog ..Do Things You’ve Never Done =-.
Alisa, I’m a massive introvert. Seriously. I have the same issues that you do with being overwhelmed by people, sound and lights. This is probably all to do with a part of your brain called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) which responds to stimuli like food or social contact. I learned about this whilst watching Robert Winston’s programme on personality in the BBC series The Human Mind. You can read a tiny bit about it and the lemon juice personality experiment at http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/articles/personalityandindividuality/lemons.shtml I know that the idea that lemon juice and social contact affect the same part of the brain is odd, but there you go.
Essentially the theory is that introverts have a high level of internal stimulation so additional stimulation whether from lemon juice or social contact produces a large response whilst extroverts take a vastly larger amount of stimulation to get a similar response. The packing tape experiment they have on the show is amusing and enlightening. I’m betting you could get a hold of a copy to watch on Netflix if not your local video shop. The Personality show is the second in the series.
.-= Frugal Kiwi´s last blog ..Svelte Felt Sphinx Minx =-.
In psychology we learned the same thing that Frugal Kiwi is talking about: introverts are more sensitive to sensory stimulation. The two are connected. It’s not a disorder, it’s just a “symptom” of your introversion. My husband and I are both the same way.
Sometimes my husband and I worry that there is something wrong with us because we eat our dinners in silence, drive places together in silence, and both like to go home and get to bed early. But it’s nice that as a pair of introverts we understand each other. He doesn’t have to explain to me why he doesn’t want to talk sometimes. I get it.
.-= Kathleen Quiring´s last blog ..Divorcing the Church and Doubting Marriage =-.
Dear Alisa;
I am an extrovert who married an introverted man. He married me with three children, you can imagine the adapting that took. After my oldest moved out I got my husband out of town for the weekend with his buddies and my friends and I in 1 weekend converted my daughters room into a haven for him. I pergoed the floor, Put up shelves for his collectibles, put in a computer and even an electric fireplace. I did put pictures of all of us on the wall and a sign that says, Always remember to kiss your wife, and surprised him with it when he came home. He cried because he said he had never felt totally understood and accepted until he met me.
How could I not be understanding. He knows I don’t like touching food and I don’t like my food touching on my plate. He has always served me chicken that he took off the bone and baked potato that he took out of the skin. When he makes my lunch he cuts my apple into slices and peels my orange for me. And yes I feel loved for who I am.
We can relax together in the evening and even though he isn’t talking he always has a hand touching me to meet my needs.
We still have issues but I have always loved him just as he is and he has made sure I have no doubt that he loves me.
Being a social creature I can go anywhere and meet anyone and multi-task like it is no one else’s business. Ray isn’t as explained earlier. He will go out with us to social engagements but we have what we laughing call a code phrase that he uses when it is time to leave. Something like “The yankees are playing at home tonight.” Laughingly all our children and friends of course know this system and will crack up when he says something. Early on I would say that that was Ray’s way of saying he wanted some alone time with me so now they all think he’s getting me home to “get lucky”. We just let them believe it, it adds to the merriment and most of the time we both feel very lucky with each other.
I’m introverted too so I understand where you’re coming from. I’m also an only child who grew up in the country w/ no kids nearby, so I’m simply used to being along. I work at home though so I am alone all day and by the time the husband gets home, I’m ready for companionship. After 20 yrs of marriage I think he gets it pretty well. And I too become angry when an unknown someone moves things on me. Maybe I’m going blind.
What an excellent post–I really identify with this, though I never really connected the fact that I am an introvert with the whole sensory stimulation overload thing, I definitely think there is a correlation. I also get extremely confused and grumpy when there is too much sensory input. My husband is the opposite–he loves to listen to loud music IN THE MORNING and I am like HELLO, SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS SLEDGEHAMMER OFF OF MY BRAIN. When he cleans it’s like a HUGE, load tornado sweeps through and it makes my nervous system feel like it’s going to explode. I have never understood why he can’t just do things slowly and quietly, one thing at a time. We are just figuring out how to work with these differences and your post will be very helpful–will be sharing it with him! And p.s. I am also sensitive to light. Very interesting.
Hmm, this sounds familiar! Understanding the less-obvious parts of my spouse’s personality has made our married life a much more pleasant experience. It was actually when I started reading the parenting book, “Raising Your Spirited Child,” that I realized that one of us is an extrovert (me!) and one of us is not. Now I know that he doesn’t need the same kind of stimulation as I do and that at times, all he wants is to avoid it. Understanding that made it much easier for me to give myself permission to find other ways to meet my personal needs, which were getting ignored in the monotony of my quiet little SAHM world. Giving myself time to make phone calls or hang out with other friends means I’m refueled and ready to be a better partner without forcing my needs on him.
I’m the introvert and my wife is the extravert. We do our best to accomodate each other’s differences. I’ll sometimes go along to a social gathering just becuase I know how much it means to her. And sometimes she’ll say no to something, just because she knows my natures and tries to honor that. It works for us. I think our differences are good for each other in that we both get stretched a bit toward things we might not otherwise do.
.-= Scott´s last blog ..Are We Becoming A Post-Marriage Society? =-.
Well, now that’s odd. I’m a major extrovert, but I also have some sensory sensitivities. One of my longtime friends/mentors swears it’s from being born premature, like my nerves weren’t cooked yet … when the world first made it’s noisy assault.
I spent last weekend at a blogger conference, and I could NOT sleep. Being with that many people for 3 days wore me out.
Maybe I’m just out of practice after 10 years freelancing. Seriously, that’s more human contact than I get in a year (or more).
My sympathies. I hope your world got quiet, dark, and mellow again real soon.
you may be an extroverted HSP. While there are are some overlaps with innies in the profile, it’s not impossible. Check it out and good luck!
Thanks to all you introverts (and special thanks to Frugal Kiwi for that link because I can’t wait to watch it). It never occurred to me that the two were linked. But suddenly I’m wondering this: for those of you with the sensory issues, were you told that you were a colicy baby? Supposedly babies with colic are sensitive to stimulation. I’m wondering if this is a carry over. I had colic. But it’s just a lay theory of mine. As you know, I have plenty where that came from….
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Should you role play? =-.
Where did your twitter thing go?
I’m with you – when I need to be alone…I just do. But I’m usually the one that doesn’t…so this is all great to hear.
And I adore you – even if you have a D-word.
.-= Julie Roads´s last blog ..Rapid hearts =-.
I’m an extrovert. But totally get being an introvert. I think I’m a closet introvert.
You have the same disorder as I do. I blame mine on my lack of hearing. I only hear 75% in my left ear and 50% in my right ear. But if it’s a loud high pitched sound, I hear 150% in both ears. And my nose works so well, I put some blood hounds to shame. I think my nose works extra for my lack of hearing. That’s just my guess.
Even tho I’m don’t hear as I should, noise really gets to me. It’s almost as if I’m straining to hear what I might be missing and end up hearing more than I want to.
My husband and I are both extroverts. But he’s the most introverted extrovert I’ve ever met. Basically, he’s a bigger closet introvert than I am.
Our big personality difference are that I’m a Feeling and Perceptive type while he’s a Thinking and Judging type – we’re talking oil and water or a lit match to a can of gasoline. We’ve gotten over our differences in two ways: I got counseling for my childhood issues and we both read numerous books on Myers-Briggs personality types and how to get along with the opposite type. The two in combination has made a world of difference in our relationship.
We use the word “fussy” around here when I’m in a “don’t want to interact” mood. I think we’re going to have to come up with a new word – I just started having heat waves (my word for hot flashes, since they last up to 15 minutes) and I’m not pleasant while I’m in the middle of one. I take any thing my husband says completely in the wrong manner. And the condescending tone my husband can use, really doesn’t go over well in the middle of a “heat wave”. (I’m having a heat wave right now. I just asked my husband to blow on me. He’s afraid it will fan the fire.)
(Lost my train of thought and went and read what Frugal Kiwi wrote.)
It seems to me that you are highly kinesthetic–processing a lot of information through your senses. Our strengths also cause us trouble in certain situations. I am highly auditory (I sing), which is clearly a strength. But like you I can’t filter out sounds in public places, so often get a little nuts in noisy restaurants, etc. It functions as both strength and weakness.
Also, I am very interpersonally driven (which I don’t think of as extroversion). My wife is very intrapersoanally driven. I think out loud, she tends to think more internally. Very different styles. She needs more space, I need more engagement. There can be friction around these differences. In the early years we were confused by this, wanting the other to be more like us. Of course that goes nowhere. But we learned how to give enough of what the other needs to create balance without trying to be like the other person. I think a lot of conflict is driven by these inherent differences. It is tempting to think that things would be better if we had the same style. But that’s not true either. Too much engagement can become overwhelming and too much space can breed confusion.
Actually we’re all quirky and difficult in our own way. Accepting that goes a long way toward creating relational harmony.
Okay, I’ve always considered myself an extrovert but I SO relate to your noise sensitivity. And with 3 talkative young kids I find myself yelling crazy things whenever I’m overwhelmed. I have ADD so I’ve assumed my inability to multi-task (thinking through the act of washing dishes, for example, while fielding triple-threat questions and really trying not to forget about the boiling water on the stove) was to blame. I was also a premie but I don’t know if I had colic — I’ll have to ask. Thank you for making me feel normal, once again. Have a great (quiet, low-key) weekend!
I am an introvert married to an extrovert and best friends with an extrovert. My best friend knows that no matter how much I love her, I can only take her in small spurts, which works out great we have a very long lunch once a month and we are good. As for my husband, I listen to him when he needs to talk out his emotions even when it has been two hours and all I want to do is go to sleep! And sometimes we go out for a social evening for dinner with another couple – about every 3 months. In turn, my hubby knows I am a home body who needs quiet so we try to balance the best we can.
.-= Andi´s last blog ..French Friday – Le Business of La Bise =-.
Weird. About the colic thing – apparently I screamed every night between 6pm and 10pm. I think I was probably saying “Mum, put me the f*** DOWN, stop talking, turn out the lights, stop cooing, stop trying to make me smile and give me some freskin’ S-P-A-C-E”
You’ll have gathered I too am ‘the introvert’, the ‘highly sensitive’, ‘kinesthetic’ or whatever other label we might choose (‘nuts’ on most occasions), but it’s good to hear that it’s not just me who gets livid when I’ve left something infront of my eyes but can no longer see it, leaves stuff to boil over on the hob and then gets irate at the hob for not being cool enough, yells when I step on a stray piece of lego. Do you go ape when someone accidentally knocks into you? Man, I could maim someone …
My husband really wants to be with me – ALL the time (I put it down to his libra rising (and other things that rise of their own accord)), I want to be on my own, in a cave with candles, a cat and a campfire. He wants to go to a nightclub; he might as well chain me up in hell.
My daughter wants to be with me ALL the time, engaging me in 101 questions about life. I love that, of course I do, but only about 3 at a time, before I reach for the ‘off switch’. (and I wish she had one too)
Even the rabbit runs up to me every time I walk near her and she nibbles my feet in that ‘love me’ way.
What is it about introverts – do we attract people to us or something?
So how do I cope? Well I take an hour our every afternoon; no one is allowed to disturb me unless the house has blown up – and even then, only if it’s an ABSOLUTE emergency.
I get up earlier than everyone else and just stare into space gormlessly enjoying the silence.
Sometimes when DD has gone to bed I take an hour out upstairs and THEN I’ll join my husband. He’s been missing me all that time, but like you said, he’s better off without me if I haven’t had my ‘me time’ (after 12 years together I still can’t convince him of that, but there we are – I’m totally blessed that he adores the ground I fart on).
My DD has gotten it already; she really gets that if I don’t have daily ‘mum time’, I turn into Beelzebub’s pubes, the night before his period is due.
So yeah, gentle, quite and tender (((HUGS))) from a mad kinesthetic woman who misplaces things (mostly her sanity) in this loud, brash world. No advice, but lots of sympathy…
I think we do attract people, when they’re not offended at us not being attracted to them. nature abhors a vacuum??
I’m a morning silence person too. I never talk to anyone until I get to work, with the exception of longstanding phone dates with family during morning walks, otherwise, it’s BUZZ OFF! or whyareyoutalkingrightnowwhydontyoujustgobequiet???
My children each have sensory issues. You could consult with an occupational therapist to learn how to de-sensitize yourself to some of the sensory inputs – the goal is to keep yourself on a more even keel and, if that’s not possible, to have strategies to cope (which you do but kicking your husband out of the house might not be possible each time!). As for sound, an audiologist can help with filtering – when all those sounds are overwhelming, there may be an auditory filtering issue (this can present with a kid who is distracted by each and every sound and is unable to pay attention, e.g. in class or to get homework done). I’ve learned so much about my own sensory processing by learning about how my children work!
Great post Alisa. I totally recognize myself in this; although my husband is way more introverted than me, when we were first together one of our biggest issues was that when I got home from work I didn’t want to see or talk to him and he felt he’d done something wrong. I’ve learned over the years that I can be extroverted and around people for a while, but then I will be exhausted and need to recharge.
And the light and sound thing is so true; i hate harsh, bright lighting and loud noises/sounds. I was a colicky baby; and I think both my younger sons are the same — they weren’t colicky, but when my youngest was in day care he would complain about how “loud” the other kids were.
.-= Debra´s last blog ..I’m Scared =-.
After 20 + years with an introverted spouse, I have learned to respect periods of introspection and interact gingerly. Actually, my husband has both, introvert and extrovert, ie. manic depressive personality. With age, these tendencies have smoothed out, so there’s hope for anyone in a similar situation.
.-= Alexandra´s last blog ..When Are Herbicides Part of a “Green Commitment?” =-.
That’s interesting Frugal Kiwi. I would never have pegged you for an introvert! Though I guess a lot of writers are.
I am pretty extroverted BUT I really really need some time and space alone. James is an introvert (or mostly introverted) BUT he often needs time with other people, or help connecting and communicating.
Harriet Lerner’s book, “The Dance of Intimacy,” deals with these relationship issues really effectively. I think your tips are excellent. And your readers might also enjoy her book.
I am an extrovert wife an an introvert husband. An autistic introvert at that, which is why I’m posting. He seemed relatively normal when we were dating and through our engagement. By normal, I mean not so extremely introverted that I can’t have a relationship with him. Over time, he told me about extreme sensitivities to light, sound, tastes/smells, and sometimes textures. He also has bouts of depression and extreme anxiety (the one thing in common that keeps our happy marriage together =) j/k). About two years ago he was diagnosed with autism, more specifically in the Aspergers realm. From what you described, your D-word sounds like the A-word. You should look up Aspergers and see if you think it’s a fit. (Being autistic sounds crazy for a mostly-functioning adult, or so I thought. Turns out there are multiple explanations for seemingly normal people who secretly live in the hell of extreme sensitivities and desire frequent isolation from everyone, even from their spouses – who happen to have social needs, too.) Knowing more about the condition has made things a lot easier for our marriage. Good luck.
Just getting caught up on my e-mails. I loved this one, I am an Introverted Extrovert. I have to be an extrovert because of my job, but left to my own, I am naturally an introvert. I really liked your advice, I need to find a way to share this with my wife without threatening her.
An introvert? You?
My husband and I discussed a “fortress of solitude” just a few weeks ago. In the discussion he said some of the very things you mentioned in this post:
When I need to get away, just let me.
If I seem off the handle, I just need to cool off from whatever made me upset. That probably wasn’t you, but if you stick around you’ll still be a target… so go away.
Hmm? What? Oh. Yeah. I’m just tired.
It’s a hard knock life being an extrovert with an introverted partner. Blessedly your tips and his newfound “vocal-ness” really help both of us manage the social differences.
im an extrovert person and my husband is introvert. here’s the story, we almost lived in for about 8 months and we juat got married last 12th of march, ’11. im just saying in our house for about 3 weeks, because i quit at my work because of my pregnancy condition. im a happy person love chatting to other person but my husband is really introvert wen he arrives at home we will eat dinner and after dinner he just went to our room and play online games until wee hours i need him to talk to me giggling and laughing out together for atleast just in a while.. while he is playing id tried to talk to him but he shows no interest at all, he do that everyday… what should i do with our situation i just dont want to pass our days together without growint, how can we know each other much more?? please i need some advice
Ms. Bowman,
Please see this website http://www.hsperson.com/
The author’s books are very informative and can help people like ourselves understand our personalities and how we fit into an extroverted world. I highly recommend her work.
Regards.
Alisa,
Thank you for writing such a clear, precise matter of fact article. I am an extrovert married to a total introvert (i will say on the out set the love of my life) however, he is hard work at the best of times to say the least. He is the kind of guy who needs 20 hrs a day on his own just to handle 4 hrs of human contact.
I knew what i was getting into before i married him but for the last 16 mths he’s been unemployed and minding our 15mth old girl. over the last 8/9 mths he has totally gone in on himself and is struggling so much. My hours are long and i have to stay working to keep money coming in, which is important as i have a good job and a big mortgage. The problem is he has retreated so much into himself nothing gets done, at all. I’m working , cleaning, cooking, shopping, organizing, you name it and i do it, it’s like he’s just check out of life. I’ve gotten to the stage where I’m just tried, I’m loosing my personality and myself and work is stressful at the best of times.He is a great father and when he has the energy a great husband.
I know he needs more time to himself but i give him as much as i can at the weekend. We can’t afford childcare with bills and mortgage so i need him minding our girl during the week. What can i do to help him, he is sinking.