Are you bored in bed?

This is a guest post from Lori Lowe, a fellow journalist and marriage blogger. Lori has been reading regularly. She sent this to me when she heard how busy my life had become. I thought it was fitting to run it the day after my post about giving, since she was incredibly generous to share it. Here she shares some tips gleaned from Hot Monogamy, a book that I recommend often, as it helped me go from a sexless marriage to a sex filled one.

Find the Key to a Passionate Sex Life

A common complaint for long-term married couples is boredom in the bedroom. Yes, new love can be titillating, but having only one monogamous partner doesn’t mean your sex life shouldn’t be entirely fulfilling. In fact, allowing one partner to fully know your sexual needs, preferences and wishes can be ultimately much more fulfilling than having multiple partners. In the book Hot Monogamy—which lives up to its promise of offering “essential steps to more passionate, intimate lovemaking”—author Dr. Patricia Love gives some simple-to implement tips.

  1. Deepen your emotional intimacy. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be personal. Be real. Sex is never boring when you are intimately connected.
  2. Vary the amount of time you set aside for sex. Sometimes a quickie is just right, especially when it results from spontaneous desire. Often, the routine half-hour, before-bed lovemaking session is perfectly fine. These standbys are necessary with the busy schedules most of us have.
  3. Take your time. Sometimes—perhaps once a month—try to set aside time for a leisurely time period (maybe an hour or more) during which you can share massages, creative sensuality, sharing of fantasies, or slowly pleasing one another. Dr. Love suggests adding 12 leisurely lovemaking sessions each year could improve your sex life more than most any other change. Once a month sounds fairly doable, don’t you think?
  4. Get comfortable talking about sex with your spouse. The willingness to talk about sex, your desires, what you want and don’t want from your lover is critical to your sexual satisfaction. “More than any other factor, your ability to talk freely and honestly about sex is the key to a passionate sex life,” says Dr. Love.
  5. Improve your body image. Accept yourself just as you are. If a low body image is keeping you from fully participating in or enjoying sex, talk about your insecurities with your spouse. Work to build confidence, which is sexy in any body. Read Loving a Woman’s Body for feedback from other couples. Dr. Love provides some very specific tips to overcome low body image in Hot Monogamy.
  6. Understand that differences in sexual desire do not mean your partner is rejecting you. Most couples have one more highly sexed partner (generally the man), and higher testosterone levels are one important reason. Compromise and communication help overcome these differences.
  7. Add romance to your daily life, particularly if you want your partner to become more interested in sexual intimacy.  If you don’t know how to do that, simply ask your wife or husband for his or her top 10 suggestions! She or he will be more than happy to share.

Boredom outside of the bedroom can be just as deadly. Research shows conflict isn’t the only cause of divorce; boredom can kill a marriage. Being bored reduces closeness and slowly decreases marital satisfaction. Find shared fun activities and new adventures to keep your relationship exciting.

Ask your spouse what one thing she or he would like to improve about your sex life, or take the quiz in Hot Monogamy together to find specific areas of improvement.

Lori Lowe shares research-oriented marriage tips at She lives in Indianapolis with her husband, their two children, a crazy cat and two aquatic frogs.

Do you think “hot married sex” is a possibility or an oxymoron? How do you keep long-term married sex hot? Are you bored to tears in the bedroom? Would you rather read the dictionary than have sex? Leave a comment.

40 comments… add one

  • Dustin | Engaged Marriage April 7, 2010, 6:03 pm

    I can say that after nine years of marriage, it is SO easy to fall into a routine in the bedroom. Even more than that, we’ve found it’s too easy to get routine *outside* of the bedroom.

    I love all of these tips, Lori. I really like your last comment about adding romance throughout the day. I know my wife would pick that one as the top tip in this list because it means so much to her. And that’s why I have to pay so much attention to it…when I do, I know it will be worth it!
    .-= Dustin | Engaged Marriage´s last blog ..Do You Pray With Your Kids? =-.

  • Kathleen Quiring April 7, 2010, 6:05 pm

    Lori is such a generous soul, isn’t she??

    “Hot married sex” is definitely not an oxy-moron. As Lori suggests, knowing your partner inside-and-out is a great asset, because it helps you to know exactly what makes your partner go crazy (in a good way).

    I do love reading the dictionary, believe it or not; and there was once a time when I would have rather been doing that than having sex; but my sex life with my husband has actually improved dramatically with time as we have learned about one another (and since I went off the Pill, as it totally killed my sex drive without me knowing it).
    .-= Kathleen Quiring´s last blog ..Why I Have Become Anti-Pill (And Pro-FAM) =-.

  • Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife April 7, 2010, 7:05 pm


    I love this post. Hot married sex – what a great concept!

    Varying the amount of time you have sex is a great tip, it’s good to mix it up sometimes and like Dustin pointed out get out of a routine.

    These are all great tips, I can’t wait to pickup my copy of Hot Monogamy.
    .-= Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife´s last blog ..Privacy in Marriage, How Much is Too Much Information? =-.

  • Lori Lowe April 7, 2010, 7:15 pm

    Thanks Dustin, Kathleen and Shannon for your feedback. Kathleen, I have to agree with you about the pill reducing libido. I think some women don’t even know that’s why their sex drive is low. They may still choose to be on it, but at least their husbands can know not to take it personally they they rarely initiate. And Dustin, I think romance would be top of many wives’ lists. Shannon, the book is definitely worth the read. I’ll be writing more tips from it at my blog, but there is a ton of valuable take-away.

  • Frugal Kiwi April 7, 2010, 8:14 pm

    Sounds like a fantastic book. I have found certain pharmaceuticals have a marked influence on libido as well. Our bodies are sensitively balanced!
    .-= Frugal Kiwi´s last blog ..DIY Clean Green Shampoo Alternative =-.

  • John Wilder April 7, 2010, 8:33 pm

    This is right up my alley as I am a marriage, relationship and sexual coach.

    Ladies, your man is visually stimulated. Get rid of those virginal white nylon panties wiht no lace. Replace them with sexy frilly and lacy panties with color. Give him a peek up the skirt when you get in the car. Pull your legs up to the side so that he can see all the way to heaven. Get lacy bras as well, preferably one or two that are unlined when you go out with him. Get lacy nightgowns that you wear every night, not just when you are going to have sex.

    Learn the art of talking dirty to him in bed once in a while. Let your inner slut out. The old italian proverb about what a guy wants in a good wife is: A good hostess for his friends, a good mother to his children and a slut in the bedroom.

    Initiate sex once in a while. You can tie his hands to the bed posts. You can slowly torture him. Mount him and ride him in slow motion, just enough to keep his erection. Face away from him and use a vibrator to achieve multiple climaxes. Stop if he is getting close to a climax and keep on getting off yourself and then resume. You can go two hours this way without him climaxing.

    Get rid of the little girl inhibitions about what you won’t do in bed with him. You don’t want him thinking that his previous girlfriend was better than you in bed.

    Have him get you off in the movies. Bring a spare pair of panties. Have him slide his hand up your skirt and insert it inside those panties and have him stroke you to a climax right there in the theatre. It is so hot. Put on the spare pair of panties when you are done. If you are afraid of getting caught, bring a baby blanket to keep you covered while he has your skirt hiked up. Return the favor by giving him a blow job in the car on the way home.

    Research other ways to keep it hot by visiting my blog and going to the archives for more hot ideas like this.

    Best wishes and blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  • Alexandra April 7, 2010, 9:40 pm

    I have had a great sex life with my second husband. He didn’t need any lace panties or anything but days of sexual marathons are over. Last year, at 72, he got Viagra. Boy, that stuff is expensive!

  • Tony DiLorenzo - ONE Extraordinary Marriage April 8, 2010, 1:15 am

    Lori – Excellent post! Alisa and I have worked through all 7 tips over the last couple of years. Before that we didn’t do any of the tips you suggested and our love making was boring, typical, and down right pitiful. When we challenged ourselves to the 60 Days of Sex Challenge little did we know that the spark we lite then would help us to deepen our emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy.
    Tip 1. When you try to have sex for 60 days straight you have to be honest and open. If you try and hide it’s not going to happen. This can also happen if couples do a 7 day challenge.
    Tip 2. Changing it up is essential. I enjoy the long love making sessions, but there are times when a quickie is just as good. We communicate this to each other so that we are both on the same page.
    Tip 3. If our marriage is important to us than spend an hour once a month connecting with each other in the bedroom is a must.
    Tip 4. Talking about sex is daunting to many folks because we don’t do it enough. Again, during our 60 Days of Sex, Alisa and I had to communicate our desires and dreams to each other. Was it tough and awkward at times, yes. But, as we learned how to talk about our wants and desires we moved pass the awkwardness to now having an open and honest dialogue most days.
    Tip 5. I’ve been doing this for years and it is so helpful. Alisa started Tae Kwon Do about a year ago and boy has this helped with her self image.
    Tip 6. This is so true and again being able to discuss this is helpful. What needs to happen if there are issues couples cannot overcome on their own it is vital that they seek a marriage coach/counselor for help.
    Tip 7. Romance is the spice of life. Having this as part of our daily routine has helped us to be more intimate when it comes to the bedroom.

    Thanks again for such a great post.

  • John Wilder April 8, 2010, 9:32 am

    Alexandra, I can tell by the defiance of your answer, that you did not give your husband a choice in what panties you wore. I suspect that if you offered him a choice he would choose the lacy panties. Men are visual creatures. I tell women clients that the greatest present that you can give your man is sex willingly and lovingly expressed. I then ask them if they were going to get a present would they want it in a crumpled up old grocery sack or in fancy paper and ribbons. The same is true for your man.
    .-= John Wilder´s last blog ..Marriage Counseling Versus Marriage Coaching =-.

  • Alexandra April 8, 2010, 10:14 am

    Excuse me? Mr. Wilder, my husband is Swedish. He really does not care about lace panties, I assure you. He much prefers NO panties. Now, my first husband, who is French, took an approach to sex that was more similar to yours. That’s one of the reasons I asked him for a divorce …

  • Lori Lowe April 8, 2010, 11:34 am

    Tony, thanks for your helpful feedback on each tip. Great insights. Alexandra, you sound like a woman who knows what she wants. ;-) John, while I can see you are very, um, passionate about your advice, and yes, maybe some women need to lower their inhibitions, as a woman I would say #7 still applies. Romance day-to-day is much better than a hot tryst under a baby blanket in a movie theatre IMO. Cheers and thanks for all the comments!
    .-= Lori Lowe´s last blog ..Banishing Boredom from the Bedroom =-.

  • John Wilder April 8, 2010, 12:13 pm

    Hey Lori”
    I was not meaning to dismiss any of the tips on here. I was suggesting adding to your reportoire. It is great to make memories together. Trust me, if you followed my advice about the movie theatre, it woudl be a memory that you would never forget. It would also stimulate new ideas to shake up the monotony.

    For example, I tell my clients to have the hubby eat the wife for dinner. I mean to take her on the dinner table, but first sit down on the chair and get the wife off numerous times orally before he took on literally on the table. Again positive memories made together help to cement the relationship and do away with the blahs in your sexual relationship. It is sort of like having macaroni and cheese 3 times a day every day. The monotony sets in very quickly and pretty soon people are tempted by a new partner. All I am suggesting is to have a truly great meal in memorable circumstances once in a while. Try it, you might like it. Be bold, be daring, be naughty.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder
    .-= John Wilder´s last blog ..Marriage Counseling Versus Marriage Coaching =-.

  • Sarah Liz April 8, 2010, 4:07 pm

    Okay, I’ve debated for a few days about whether or not to respond to this post and I decided I’d like to.

    I think boredom in the bedroom IS a cause of dissatisfaction in a marriage, I once heard a great phrase about what’s going on (or isn’t going on) in the bedroom between a couple is a reflection of what’s going on (or not going on) out of the bedroom, I believe this to be true.

    I agree that men are visual creatures, but women are too! Men aren’t the only ones who want something “pretty” to look at before they have sex!

    Men may be MORE visual, but we women also want something nice to look at–a man who grooms himself, has good hygene and ALSO wears nice clothing (not just ratty boxers or PJ pants and a stained T-shirt every night). Men too, need to keep themselves us–shave, do their hair, etc. Housework, too, is always a turn on and ANY woman I know would agree with me! Alisa once wrote a post about housework being the best foreplay–and it’s true!

    I think sex goes SO MUCH deeper than the eyes, it STARTS with that, but it is about so much more! And here’s the other thing–and I’m not saying all men are like this–BUT….a big reason women stop trying to dress up, wear sexy clothing (underwear, PJ’s, a dress) is because our husbands do not say anything when we do! What is the point of getting all gussied up if our husbands aren’t going to say anything. Sometimes, you can dress up and all that and the man will go “why? you don’t need too,” so why bother? That’s a compliment in itself, actually, that our husbands finds us beautiful and hot as we are, but what I’m saying is, what is the point of dressing up and looking sexy to be ignored? I think women should dress us and try and feel sexy for THEMSELVES, and that will almost always lead to a turn on for their husbands–a confidant woman is a sexy woman! Am I right?

    I think just wearing sexy panties or talking dirty isn’t enough to build INTAMACY–it may lead to better physical sex, but women need emotional connection too! Couples need to find a way to talk about their sex life and compromise.

    Also, we need to recognize that some women have higher sex drives than their husbands and that can be just as much of a problem. Yes, (most) women do need to iniate sex more, but again, if their husbands have a depleted or lesser sex drive and the women are repeatedly turned down for sex, why bother? It goes both ways. And, I think making sex a PRIORITY is key–even if you’re not “in the mood” or you’re tired–ANYTHING and EVERYTHING can and will get in the way of sex if you let it. Sometimes just doing it for the sake of doing it helps wonders! I also like the idea of doing it for 60 days straight! And I LOVE the idea about actually “making love” for more than 30 mins. once a month–if we can’t find time to do that with our beloveds, than do we really deserve the honor of marriage to begin with? I don’t think so! How beautiful of a turn-on is it to say “you matter to me, your sexual pleasure matters to me. I want to get you hot and rock your world!” Men need to say this to their wives too, because you know what, I think men DO want to rock their woman’s world! That’s why communication is so important, and yes, quickies are great! :)

    Men and women, in my opinion, aren’t really that different. Both genders want to have fun, passionate, feels–amazing sex; both genders want something pretty/handsome to look at; both genders want to be loved, desired and looked at as attractive and beautiful by their partners.

    Alisa is absolutely right too, compromise is key, and so is communication! I think sex is absolutely vital in a marriage and this post was very enjoyable! I think hot married sex is awesome and can way more awesome than any single–one night encounter, but that’s just my opinion! Here’s to great sex everywhere!

    Many Blessings,
    -Sarah Liz :)

  • John Wilder April 8, 2010, 4:18 pm

    Sarah touched on a point that is too often ignored. There are women who have a higher libido than their guys. This is a point that is well taken. It merits a doctor’s appt for the guy and lab work including a testosterone count. This is a a fairly common problem for guys. It causes lower libidos but is a pre cursor to heart disease.

    The problem can be simply resolved with hormone replacement with testosterone patches, gels or injections.

    Women have every rigth to sexual satisifaction as guys. In fact, in I Corinthians 7 it says that guys are required to satisfy their women just as the woman is suppposed to satisfy the man even if they don’t feel like it. The Bible was for equal rights for women before it ever became cool or politically correct. So women demand your rights to be satisfied with your guy even if he does not feel like it. The lonliest feeling is to share a bed with a partner who ignores your sexual needs.

    Your number one job is nurturing your partner. If you stop, the relationship dies a slow and resentful death.

    Blessings on all of you and yours
    John Wilder
    .-= John Wilder´s last blog ..Marriage Counseling Versus Marriage Coaching =-.

  • Teresa April 8, 2010, 7:00 pm

    I’ve found that a simple “turn off the tv” is all I need to say to initiate sex. Realizing that has been a fantastic freedom.

  • Teresa S. April 9, 2010, 12:37 am

    Maybe I have been watching too many reruns of Real Housewives of New Jersey, but I have to say to Mr. Wilder…Puh-lease! Please, please, please do not insult us by trying to quote bible verses and pass it off as Christian knowledge as part of your “advice.” Lori, I applaud your restraint in your reply…Alisa, I may blush when I read some of your sex advice blogs, but I have never been offended by them. Thank you for that!

  • John Wilder April 9, 2010, 6:18 am

    Hey Theresa:

    I have not quoted any bible verses on here. I have quoted bible verses on my blog which you have obviously visited. So are you insulted at bible quotes? The quotes were all pertinent to our sex lives. I get overwhelmingly positive responses to my blog by women. I am sorry that you took offense, none was intended.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder
    .-= John Wilder´s last blog ..Marriage Counseling Versus Marriage Coaching =-.

  • John Wilder April 9, 2010, 6:53 am

    Hey Theresa:

    I mis stated myself. I had not had my first cup of coffee when I read your insulting reply. I went back and realized that I did quote the bible. I find it surprising that you got insulted because I was supporting women’s rights in I Cor 7. I have a degree in Bible Theology and was formerly a minister. I have written extensively on the Bible and sex and that the Bible is full of positive quotes about our sex lives that you never hear in church or sunday school.

    You illustrate a common point that I make in that women don’t make it safe for men to share their feelings with them. I have vocalized what is on men’s minds through hundreds of conversations and complaints by men about women. Whenever a woman percieves that there is anything remotely critical said of the woman by the man, the woman invariably goes on the attack and lashes out at the man so as to teach him NEVER TO DO THAT AGAIN. Instead of discussing the issue with the guy women lash out in hateful attacks such as yours. We live in a society that reeks of misandry (reverse sexism by women against men). I find it ironic that you attack me for supporting women’s rights. I have women complaining to me that they have higher libidos than their man and that they are frustrated. I have taken on men for being selfish and self centered in bed with their partners.

    You in no way tried to discuss the issue with me and express your disagreement in a respectful manner, your tone was entirely insulting and put down and arrogant letting me know that of course you are vastly superior to me and that I had no right to comment on here. My self esteem is such that I am not intimidated by your attack. Again Blessings on you and yours John Wilder
    .-= John Wilder´s last blog ..Marriage Counseling Versus Marriage Coaching =-.

    • Alisa April 9, 2010, 7:42 am

      While I encourage differences of opinion here, I really, really, really discourage personal attacks and insults. I especially dislike seeing negative comments that are addressed to a specific person. I’d like to call an end to this Sexy Pantie Debate. It’s important to me that Project Happily Ever After is a safe community where everyone feels welcome to comment, share their feelings, and get advice. This is a place where we find courage and build each other up. It’s a place where we feel normal. It’s a place where we understand that we are not alone. And it’s a place where we welcome the idea that there is more than one right path to a happy marriage. Truce? Thanks so much.

  • Marissa April 9, 2010, 8:36 am

    i’m bored to tears. in fact i would rather read the dictionary, or sleep than have sex. I’m distressed about it, and it seems that the only time i have the urge is not a time when the husband is home. and the times he has the urge is a time i’m nearly to exhausted to even breathe.

    there are obviously more issues in this situation than just the sex. i don’t even know where to begin with fixing any of it…

    if you can’t tell i’m having a really down day/week/ time. so i won’t vent it out on all the other diligent readers. But I would like to believe that hot married sex is possible.

  • Alisa April 9, 2010, 8:44 am

    Marissa–rest is so important, especially for women. I just came out of a very stressful period where my job required my utmost focus for a very extended period of time. I was working nights, weekends, in my sleep… you name it. I had zero sex drive. I did make time for sex once a week, but I really had to force myself. Now that I’m more relaxed and the stressful period has ended, I am MUCH more sexy feeling. It’s just night and day. So go easy on yourself and solve the problem that is making you feel exhausted (if possible).

  • Lori Lowe April 9, 2010, 8:47 am

    Marissa, my heart goes out to you. I’m sorry you are having a tough time. You sound exhausted and frustrated. Yes it is possible to have great married sex, but you’re right there is probably more in your situation than sex, and you may need some help to work through. Don’t give up. Take care of yourself–rest, take a walk. I’d encourage you to get Hot Monagamy. It’s not all about sex, it’s about true intimacy with your partner. If hubby is willing to take the survey with you, that may help you identify your strengths and areas to work on. I wish you all the best,
    .-= Lori Lowe´s last blog ..Banishing Boredom from the Bedroom =-.

  • Jennifer Margulis April 9, 2010, 3:09 pm

    Great guest post! Marriage is the place to have the best and hottest sex, I think!
    .-= Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..New Article in Oregon Business Magazine =-.

  • Jennifer Margulis April 9, 2010, 3:11 pm

    I also meant to mention that a friend of mine wrote a wonderful book called HUMP: TRUE TALES OF SEX AFTER KIDS about this very topic. You can read more about it here:

    CONFESSIONS OF A NAUGHTY MOMMY is another great book for the postpartum gal looking to enhance her libido.
    .-= Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..New Article in Oregon Business Magazine =-.

  • Lori Lowe April 9, 2010, 5:17 pm

    Thanks, Jennifer!
    .-= Lori Lowe´s last blog ..Do You Have a Low Body Image? =-.

  • Sheryl April 10, 2010, 11:33 am

    So important to fight boredom in AND out of the bedroom. It makes everything, oh so dreary…thanks for a great guest post!
    .-= Sheryl´s last blog ..Untangle My Brain Please? =-.

  • Maile April 10, 2010, 9:45 pm

    Love the post, love the ideas … every individual and every couple has to find their way in their bedroom. What pleasures one partner might not pleasure the other. She might love porn – he might hate it. He prefers romance – she prefers raunch. Finding a “happy medium” takes time, patience and trust.

    You can have the hottest, steamiest night of making love you’ve ever had simply by starting off with a quiet date night for you both. Dinner, a movie, some “sweet nothings” whispered amidst the glow of candles, some soft music in the background (you’d be surprised just how excellent classical music is for mood setting), sweet kisses, soft caresses, and the rest is left to the imagination. Waking the next morning after a night of deep, long loving – priceless !

    You can have “raunchy sex” – barely there lingerie, garter, garter belt, thi-hi’s, stilettos, blindfold, etc … some porn as “back ground music”, be rough and wild and athletic (you need to be for some of the stuff you see in porn !). Waking the next morning after a night like that can be great – or leave you wondering what ever possessed a couple in their 40′s to even consider trying some of that !

    My husband & I have a mixture – we love our soft, sweet, romantic nights … and every now and then we love a great night of purely physical sex. We get wild because we feel like it.
    Sex is the act (sex often is an act – think about it, you dress up, set the scene and play a part) … making love is something completely different and doesn’t always end with the couple having sex, though they do have physical intimacy. And many times, what started as a sweet, romantic night has lead to a hot steamy session, that turned back again into gentle loving.

    But I do have to say this … I have noticed that, the more wild (aggressive – not hurtful, but more “take charge”) I encourage my husband to be in the bedroom, the more romantic he is with me in every room. He’s been more courteous, more thoughtful, more considerate – and he’s been more passionate, more “I can’t get enough of you”, more “have I told you how much I love you ?” Now is that because I am encouraging him to take control in the bedroom ? Is that because I have put more effort into giving him as much pleasure as he desires (and believe me, he willingly gives back just as much !) Is it because when we are in the bedroom, my only focus is him ? (and his only focus is me, believe me).

    I’m not seeking answers … I know what changes I have made & have implemented in my marriage to keep our love life sparked at all times, so I know in those changes are my answers.
    I am asking because, it might be something someone else wants to try if they feel their love life has hit a rut. You don’t have to “get wild”, but change it up a little … spend the weekend at a hotel room, or send the kids to friends/relatives for the weekend and make use of your entire house. Whatever you feel will surprise your spouse and ignite that spark again. No one can tell you exactly what to do – ideas are great, but honestly, only you and your spouse truly know each other and know what each other loves. Is he holding back ? Encouraging him to let go. Are you holding back ? Let go and truly enjoy intimacy with your spouse – trust each other that you won’t hurt one another. Find what works for each of you – as individuals and as a couple – and build on it.


  • landschooner April 11, 2010, 6:29 pm

    # Get comfortable talking about sex with your spouse. The willingness to talk about sex, your desires, what you want and don’t want from your lover is critical to your sexual satisfaction. “More than any other factor, your ability to talk freely and honestly about sex is the key to a passionate sex life,” says Dr. Love.

    Absolutely correct.

    I’m comfortable with talking about sex.

    She hates it.

    hence we have an almost non existent and passionless sex life.


  • landschooner April 11, 2010, 6:46 pm

    Add romance to your daily life, particularly if you want your partner to become more interested in sexual intimacy. If you don’t know how to do that, simply ask your wife or husband for his or her top 10 suggestions! She or he will be more than happy to share.

    I do agree with this even though it hasn’t worked at all in my marriage. Quite the opposite, actually. Fills my wife’s love tank. She is happy and satisfied with romance alone, so I must be also right? What more do we need than romance and what does sex have to do with romance? There is no correlation in her mind. NONE. That being said, from all I’ve read, the advice above I believe is generally true and good advice. I guess I’m writing just to give warning that it isn’t a guaranteed formula. (I know it wasn’ t presented as guaranteed) A happy wife who feels cherished and romanced isn’t always forthcoming in the bedroom even without any abuse in her history. Some women just aren’t much interested in sex.

  • John Wilder April 11, 2010, 8:38 pm

    Hey Landschooner, can I offer you a ray of hope. I would be glad to give you some time and have the wife or you and the wife talk to me. Its what I do, if I can’t make a difference, there will be no charge. I throw it out there if you want to avail yourself of it.

    Best Wishes
    John Wilder
    .-= John Wilder´s last blog ..Sexual Advice For Single Men =-.

  • Marissa April 11, 2010, 11:21 pm

    exhaustion in my case is … moving our household into a new space while he is at work, and a 2 1/2 year old in tow…. and school to become a doula.

    I want to thank you for your encouragement though. I’m sorting out personal issues with to professionals now, and hoping for improvements… i realize it will take time. but today I’m hopeful!

  • John Wilder April 11, 2010, 11:59 pm

    Marissa, please don’t take this as self serving or trying to drum up business for myself. I would really encourage you to search out a marriage coach rather than a marriage counselor. Traditional marriage counselors have a 75% failure rate.

    You don’t have to take my word for it, talk to friends and acquaintenances and relatives. The reason is that they have you come back once a week for weeks and months. They don’t teach you conflict resolution skills. They have you talk about feelings.

    Marriage coaches work as a mediator, has multi hour sessions where real progress is made and the coach concentrates on resolving problems.

    Research it for yourself on line. Just saying

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder
    .-= John Wilder´s last blog ..Sexual Advice For Single Men =-.

  • Marissa April 12, 2010, 9:20 am

    I’m game for anything.I will look into that. We are (and by we in this instance I mean I am) looking for a sex therapist/counselor as well. I know my husband and I have what it takes to make a marriage work – we just don’t know how to use it. yet.

    I feel like we lack follow through in our methods… we try something that seems to be working, and then, since it was working, it falls off the list of priorities…. and then is tagged “something that didn’t work”

    alas…. time and patience….

  • John Wilder April 12, 2010, 12:42 pm

    I am also a sexual coach as well in case you feel the need. In the meantime, you can go to my blog and go into the archives to read a bunch of sexual how to articles for free. They are chapter excerpts from my soon to be finished book entitled: Sexual Education for Adults, Secrets to Amazing Sex and Happily Ever After Too.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  • Katie April 27, 2010, 2:45 pm

    I just want to say, that I am not married, but I think this blog, and all these suggestions are wonderful for people in long term relationships as well. I get so bored in LTR’s, that I don’t even get to the point of marriage bc if things are so boring when you aren’t married, why the heck would I want to get married? So, all this is quite helpful, thanks everyone!

  • Chris Baird Peper November 18, 2010, 5:14 am

    Part of the reason Americans are so bored in bed is there is a strong puritan streak running down from the early ages of the country. It is funny how those who are the most “pure” also happen to be the most pro-war and pro-prison industrial complex. Hmm…

  • Heather September 9, 2011, 5:09 am

    Just came across this site and feel frustrated that there seems little help out there for women who want to encourage their partners into more sex. I am 24, have a high sex drive, and I am kinky. My husband, 25, finishes too quickly, doesn’t like it rough, has no sexual confidence and does not seem bothered if we don’t have sex often. This makes me feel unwanted, not sexy, and I get very angry with him (as you mentioned John). I have no idea what to do! I’ve bought underwear, toys, tried new positions, talked to him (and shouted at him) about it. Now it seems like he wants to be the dominant one in bed but doesn’t know how because I always take the lead. When I don’t and sit back…..very little sex happens. I have never had an orgasm and feel desperate for some solid advice. How can I give my husband confidence while trying to manage my own sexual frustration and anger? Its starting to make me see him as less manly and I keep thinking I want a real man! I love him and want this to work, why can’t he just throw we around a bit more and have sex more. I don’t understand why this is so hard for him? Thanks, I hope someone replies!

    • Peter September 28, 2012, 12:56 pm

      I would love to talk with your husband over a few beers or rum punches. Here is something to think about, When you are having sex is it to fulfill your needs or his? Here is something I tell guys to try when I’m counseling them, but, it works for ladies too. When you truly love someone you will place there needs before yours,by the way if your spouse is not doing this it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, he may never have had true love modeled or taught to him.

      Here is the homework: Next time your in bed spend an time giving your husband a head to toe massage then follow up with a more sensual massage with no intention of going for your own orgasm, the focus needs to be solely on him and he needs to understand that he is not expected to perform. As a lover you should desire to do whatever it takes to please him within the constraints of Gods laws. A great lover places the satisfaction of their mate over their satisfaction.

      Lastly you say he doesn’t know how to take the lead, well, tell him. But tell him with respect, no yelling, yelling will crush the spirit. Lastly if you have never had an orgasm how do you expect to tell him what to do. Call in sick one day and lay in bed exploring your own body until you figure out what takes you over the top ! You could also try reading a couple of books which I’d be glad to recommend.

      I’ve been counseling couples for 20 years and this is a real problem, but it can be solved. For me sex is the mortar to me 20 year marriage.

  • John Wilder September 10, 2011, 3:01 pm

    Hey Heather.
    I feel your pain and sympathize, I can recommend a book to you by Michelle Weiner Davis called The Sex Starved Wife.

    I would like to repeat my advice to get your husband tested for low testosterone. In his twenties most men want to have sex every night.

    Getting angry at him will only cause him to withdraw. You need to try and have patience with him and tell him what you would like. I suspect that perhaps he is fightiing latent homosexual tendencies. Is he a momma’s boy who had a domineering mother?

    I can give you advice off this column if you will drop me a line at

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  • Peter September 28, 2012, 12:39 pm

    This is a note to the parents out there. Most of you in this modern age are doing a good job of teaching the mechanics and morality of sex to your kids. Where I think most parents, particularly mothers fail is in teaching the difference between SEX and Making Love. The difference is simple but as with many simple things the ramifications are manifold.

    Here it is in a nutshell: When you have sex you are doing it to quench your own needs. When you are making love your only consideration should be fulfilling your spouses needs, i.e. guys she should orgasm first!

    So many times I have counseled couples where the wife has said “If he would touch me more through the day and be more romantic then I would let him have me at night” or something to that effect. Ladies this is not making love this is SEX. To make love to a man you need to want to give him pleasure and satisfaction because you desire to please the one you love, not because you want something for yourself.

    The same goes for guys wham bam thank you mam is selfish and she knows it. Here is a tip guys this weekend take an hour and make love to your wife without penetration and without you ejaculating ! Sacrifice for her take your time set the mood, work your way from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet and commit yourself to loving every square inch of her body.

    Making love should be the mortar that cements the building blocks of your marriiage into a monument of the love you have for one another.


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