Does this look scary? That's why you can't save your marriage.
I get a lot of emails that go something like this:
My husband is condescending, annoying and downright mean. He hates me. He complains about everything that I do. I work my butt off trying to make him happy and I never get a thank you. The only time he ever remotely smiles at me is when he wants to have sex. And I am no longer attracted to him. I don’t know if I ever was. My marriage is dead. I hate my in-laws. I don’t know why I ever married him. We have nothing in common. He is mean to my friends. He’s a terrible father. I’ve tried everything and nothing ever changes. Help!
If I write back and say, “It sounds like your marriage might be broken. Maybe it’s time to consider divorce,” I usually get back something like this, “Oh, he’s not so bad. Things are okay.”
Are you confused? I certainly was for a long time.
And then I thought back to my own marital problems. When things were at their worst, I would go out to dinner with friends. They’d ask me about Mark. I’d rant and rant and rant. I would say that my marriage was dead. I would say all sorts of things about his character. Oh, I had a good, long, satisfying rant.
But if someone asked anything to the effect of, “Why don’t you leave him?” I would back off pretty quickly.
Why? Because the misery I knew was less scary than what I didn’t know, and what I didn’t know was this:
1) Could my life become even worse if I left him?
2) Could my marriage become even worse if I tried to improve it?
The first one is self-explanatory, yes? (No?) The second one? Not so much, even though most of us are guilty of succumbing to that second fear quite often. For instance, how many times have you read a piece of marital advice—either here or elsewhere—and thought, “I can’t do THAT. If I did that, _____ would happen”?
For example:
- I can’t go over my grudge list with my husband or we’ll get in a big huge fight and I’ll end up throwing a wine glass in his face.
- I can’t give my wife a compliment. She’ll just say something snotty in return.
- I can’t have sex with my husband. It will be torture. I just know it.
- I can’t tell my husband what I’m thinking. He’ll just ignore me anyway.
These are all examples of what psychologists call mind reading and fortune-telling. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t go to school for either of those. I can’t read minds and I can’t see into the future.
Chances are, you probably can’t either.
Which means that all of those excuses for not saving your marriage come down to one thing: fear of the unknown.
Let me tell you something that I learned from fixing my marriage:
Fear is almost always worse than reality.
As Seth Godin so aptly put it in a recent post: Anxiety is nothing but re-experiencing failure in advance. What a waste.
In other words, what we imagine we will experience is usually much scarier than what we actually will experience if we face our fear. If you keep a journal, you will be able to prove this to yourself. Jot down what you are afraid to do and why. Rank your fear on a misery scale of 1 to 10. Then do it. No matter what transpires—good or bad—rank how you feel about the end result on the same misery scale. See which is worse—the misery you thought you would experience or the misery you actually did experience.
Let me tell you something I learned from my Karma Project:
The vast majority of people are inherently good, and that includes your spouse.
You only perceive them as bad because you can’t empathize with their suffering and why they make the choices they do. Most people act in hurtful ways for one of four reasons:
- Conditioning. This is what they learned from their parents. It’s the only way they know.
- Ignorance. They don’t know that they are being hurtful.
- Fear. They are afraid of the opposite behavior. (In other words, “If I’m nice, people will think I’m a doormat.)
- It’s the only thing they know. No one ever taught them an alternative, and this behavior has gotten them what they’ve wanted in the past.
Note that “because they enjoy watching you suffer” is not one of those reasons. Again, you can prove this to yourself. Before each and every interaction, tell yourself, “All people are inherently good. All people want to do good.” Then treat people as if you thought they were as good as Mother Teresa or some other Saint of your choosing. See what happens. I think you’ll be surprised. (Note: Serial killers might be an exception to this rule).
Now, let me tell you one more thing about fear of failure:
Doing nothing is worse than trying something and failing.
Some of the things that you try to improve your marriage will not work. But that’s okay! At least now you know what doesn’t work! Think of marriage improvement as a science experiment. You are trying different hypotheses and testing to see if they have validity. Some won’t. Some will. But the only way you can see what works is to try something, anything, and everything. If you do nothing, your marriage will continue to be miserable or it will get worse. That’s a given. If you do something, your marriage might improve.
So pick something to try, either from one of my past posts, from a book or from another marriage improvement site. Tell a friend that you are going to try it (to keep yourself accountable). Pretend you are on a roller coaster with the harness locked over your body and after it has pulled from the gate. Your plan is already in motion. You can’t get off. Take a deep breath and take your marriage for a ride.
What are you afraid of? What have you thought of trying, but come up with an excuse for not trying? Why have you chickened out of marital improvement? Do you think I’m full of compost? Can you come up with a good reason for not trying? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
The fear of the unknown or imagined is so much worse than what is. I’ve scared myself into silence many times. But you know what, you’re right Alisa, what I’ve imagined is always worse than what actually is or what happened.
The only time I don’t try improving my marriage is when I’m still contemplating what I want to do and what I want the outcome to be. If I want my husband to ask for a divorce, I know pretty much what to do. If I want my husband to “prove his love for me”, that takes more thought. And amazingly enough, I get worn out trying to figure out how to make that happen and before I can figure out my strategy, he’s already “proved his love for me”. (I have some love issues I’m still working thru – so sometimes I go down a dark and twisted road in my head.)
Since I’ve been divorced twice, I can honestly say, in my experience, thinking that my life would be worse after the divorces was so wrong. My life improved. After the first divorce I was living way below the standard I’d become accustomed to – but I was so much happier. After my second divorce, things pretty much stayed the same financially (since he wasn’t making any money towards the end) and again I was happier.
And remember, your spouse isn’t a mind reader or a seer of the future, same as you’re not. Sometimes you just need to ask for what you need or want in your marriage. And you know what, if you’ve married a fairly decent person, they’ll give you what you ask for (unless it’s the moon). When I’ve applied that simple little fact to my marriage, it’s made a huge difference.
As you do pretty consistently, you have challenged me to be honesty about any hesitation I have about taking a chance at improving my marriage. I have every desire to remain married to my husband, and that definitely helps. I also have a tremendous fear of being perceived as a failure — or actually being one. I sort through this often in counseling, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. That being said, one of the most difficult challenges in my marriage is not taking on my husbands failures — or shortcomings — as my own and not allowing his poor choices to drive a wedge between us. What helps me is to be mindful of his love and respect for me, his earnest desire to have a marriage with me, and his willingness to pursue change actively rather than just verbally.
As an FYI, this statement pierced my soul: “You only perceive them as bad because you can’t empathize with their suffering and why they make the choices they do.” Ouch, Alisa. Ouch. The statement definitely rings true our marriage, and yet I have the most difficult time accepting it. Now, I will say some of his choices are DEFINITELY bad by pretty much any societal standard. Those choices influence me seeing him as a bad person when I don’t separate his choices from his being. I will add some of his choices are much less catastrophic than I think. That is clearly my issue, not his. I work often to reframe when I am overreacting and be considerate of his being and emotions when he is not using his head.
Accountability is a marvelous thing, and I use it frequently to ensure I am interacting with my husband in a way that treats him with dignity while giving me a chance to undergo self-assessment. This is a daily task to be certain. My “besties” are wonderful about giving me honest feedback regarding my attitudes, personality, and perceptions when I speak with them. Their comments are typically pretty helpful. They frequently remind me the way I behave does actually have an impact on my husband. *Gasp!* Who would’ve thought?
OneHotTamale25: We all do that (#2) because no one teaches us not to. If anything, we are set up to do it in life with advice like “don’t let people take advantage of you” “protect yourself!” “don’t be a doormat!” “stand up for yourself” “it’s every man out for himself!” “Take what’s yours!” and so on. And while some of those have validity (don’t get me wrong… you NEED to speak your voice) they make us see confrontation like a tug of war: with winners and losers. And when you think of confrontation that way, it causes you to see people in categories: good and bad.
But it’s normal. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I know it and i just wrote about it and I STILL DO IT. And you don’t have to ignore a hurtful behavior in order to have empathy for why he acts hurtful. You don’t have to be a doormat. It’s a matter of understanding what caused him to do it. Also I think it’s important to use the word “hurtful” vs “bad.” I’ve found that really helpful.
For instance, it was VERY recently that I realized that my husband talked down to me because he was mimicking his mother. I mean this evidence has been right there in front of me for years, but it didn’t bother me as much when she did it because I’m not as close to her. Then one day I noticed and I was like O.M.G. Now instead of getting all hurt and defensive, I can say, “Wow, you sound like your mother again.” (That’s not the cut down that it sounds like here because we’ve discussed this). It gets him to pause and say “sorry.”
It’s a cool article indeed. I like what I read in here. I very much agree that you have a bigger chance to save your marriage if you seek for marriage help earlier. I have seen a site that also offers tips on saving marriage, you can visit howtosavemarriages.com
You are so right, Alisa, that doing something and failing is always better than doing nothing. I think that applies to marriage and also to life in general. So many times we let our fear get in the way of changing our lives. What are we waiting for? An open casket? Thanks for the reminder. I want to be alive during this lifetime, not sleep walking towards death (which is where we are all going anyway. And I don’t say that to be cynical but only to remind myself that there’s a time limit and I better get moving!)
Luckily, my husband and I are doing pretty good lately. We’ve been spending time together and made a concious effort to just be with each other–it’s lovely! The other day we even texted each other for no reason other than to just say “I love you,” that was wonderful–it made both of our days!
But, last night, we got into an argument over medication. We both have some serious health issues and meds (not the fun kind!) are part of our everyday life–for both of us. He was calm and said that I was mothering him, and I was so PO’d about that, I just left the room. Not my finest moment. But, when I calmed down and came back and said “Look, I really don’t want to mother you, but you know what, these meds aren’t going anywhere, for either of us. They have been, are, and always will be something we need to keep up on. Our own and each other’s. And you know, even if it came out wrong, I was coming from a place of caring and concern. I’m sorry if I made you feel like a little boy, but also, you do need to be accountable” I was never the type to be a doormat, and Lord knows, I’ll never start. It was just never in my genes! He just sort of looked of me and said “okay, you’re right.” It was nice, it was really nice. Our argument was over. Huge fight averted! Yay!
But, then as I went into our bedroom to put away laundry I got so mad again, mostly at myself. And I thought “why can’t I just say what I want to say the RIGHT way the first time? Why do you always have to THINK about it? And put it “correctly?” Like why can’t conversation just freakin’ FLOW. Why can’t he understand that I love him, care about him, want the best for him. I know he feels that way about me. How did asking about meds turn into me mothering him? I don’t get it. I’m tired of always having to frame it the right way. I’m tired of him always having to frame it the right way. Why can’t we just chill out and be less sensitive. I don’t want to think, I want to just be. Marriage sucks!”
That was honestly the conversation I had with myself. I have always believed that my husband is a good man, and a loyal, loving person who does not want to hurt others–especially me. You’ve been instrumental, Alisa, in helping me to recognize this. So that’s one hurdle down–thank goodness!
But, I think sometimes people don’t start trying to save their marriages because they’re just worn out. Granted, doing nothing certainly won’t improve things, and fear (LOVED yours & Seth Grogran’s definition of anxiety–thank you!) of ending up more miserable is helpful to not attempting to start a marriage. Knocking your head up against a wall gets old after a while. Granted, after a while, it’s like God smiles on you and works on your spouse for you and things get smoother and your spouse suddenly gives an inch or two.
Personally, (and my husband agrees) we get tired of “saving” the marriage, we just want to BE married, and be happily married without SUCH an effort. I know, that sounds horribly immature and goes against everything I stand for (integrity, hard work, strength, commitment to stick it out), but sometimes being married is exhausting. Other times, it’s a savior in and of itself and the benefits outweigh the hardships–most definitely!
The one thing that has saved my marriage time and again is learning to pick my battles! That is the KEY! And also, working on myself. Reading, meditating, writing, having a social life of my own. As well as being honest with myself, about my behavior and the way I treat my husband. We have always been honest with each other, and I LOVE that about us, I think it’s one of the reasons we’re still together. We’ve just learned how to be tactful about that too.
Marriage, like life, is a journey–not a destination. Some days are better than others. Some days you’re flying incredibly high and some days you are just drained.
I admire anyone who is married, or has ever been. I do love being married, and I love my husband more each day. I love how we’ve grown up and grown into this and nothing makes me happier than my husband and I look at each other and say “I have NO clue what I’m doing, do you?” “No, not really.” “Okay, then, we’ll work it out as we go and hang in there.” “Yep, that’s why we’re here.” I LOVE that!
I think if two spouses can get to that, admit that they’re struggling with the marriage, and just be honest humble human beings together, who know in their hearts they love each other and want the best for each other and their marriage–that’s really all that counts. That alone can save a marriage!
Thank you for this wonderful post, Alisa, please forgive my long winded response–nothing new, I know. One of these days I’ll learn to make my comments more concise! Have a wonderful weekend!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Love these Lines:
“Fear is almost always worse than reality.”
“Anxiety is nothing but re-experiencing failure in advance. What a waste.”
Going to write those down so that I can reflect on them next I have to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Thanks for sharing.
.-= Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife´s last blog ..Loving Food: Cheese Sauce =-.
“Hurtful, not bad”
“Journey, not destination”
It’s a shame I get caught up in semantics and I want to arrive. I have a lot of work to do on myself!
This is a great reminder – if you expect the worst, you’ll never get the best. Thanks!
Sarah Liz… GREAT reply! I found myself nodding several times while reading your reply.
I sometimes feel like I get into this phase of “overthinking” ways to improve my marriage, even when improvement really isn’t needed. I know this comes from having intense anxiety and doubts/fears prior to my wedding, so with every change or transition in my life, I tend to project that uncomfortable feeling onto my marriage, asking myself “is this really what I want out of life? Is this really what marriage is?” I’m going through a period of this right now while my husband and I are getting ready for another one of life’s transitions soon. I know for many, transitions aren’t the trigger, but they very much are for me. Small, large, significant, every day types… if something’s changing, I feel it and I wonder if there’s something “more” out there. I also tend to get antsy and feel this in the spring for some reason… all that rebirth.
But Sarah Liz’s comment about wishing she could just BE married… that hit home with me. It’s not this way as often for me anymore because I’ve realized that thinking of ways to “fix” my marriage every day isn’t necessarily a good thing within my own marriage. Yes, marriage is work… but some days, I step back and say, “Is there really an issue here or am I trying to predict a future issue and trying to figure out ways to prevent it before it even happens, if it ever will?” Long question, isn’t it?
But my point is sometimes, for me, I have to force myself to just “be” in life. I’ve realized it’s not my marriage that makes me feel this way… it’s my personality. My perfectionist streak… my “never satisfied” side… my “OMG, this small problem feels so enormous it must mean we’ll end up divorced” personality.
Fear is a nasty little creature. Anxiety is a bitch that needs a hole to live in so it quits bothering those of us who deal with it on a daily basis. But the fact is it’s out there. The BEST thing I’ve found to countering my anxiety, whether about marriage or one of my other “trigger” is to just do something. Do something to work on the issue at hand (if it truly is an issue). Go for a walk. Do a crossword puzzle. Go to the gym. Write in my journal. So sit on my front porch. Just do SOMETHING. I try to tell my anxious thoughts I’ll deal with them later… something that hasn’t worked real well yet, but sometimes it does. Writing is a great way to get things out of my head and to go back and look at them later. Often, I realize things aren’t really that bad and when I look at others I know, we’re pretty normal and average.
Speaking up is one of the best things I’ve learned to do. Sometimes I think my husband and I are a little TOO honest with each other ALL THE TIME, but in the long run, I’d rather have that than a lot of pent up feelings around something small, which turn it into something big. So, I speak up. That being said, I’ve also learned that I catastrophize things, so I give myself a day if it’s marriage related and it might just be my mind blowing something out of proportion. Then, if I’m still bothered by something, I talk about it with my husband. I’ve found this approach has worked much more than me finding something to complain about on a daily basis.
Alisa, I love this post and it really hit home for me. Perspective is a funny thing, isn’t it? Something can feel like it’s the end of the world, then something else comes along to make you realize what you’ve got ain’t so bad after all.
Brilliant Post!
It deeply saddens me to see folks ride a sinking ship down rather than “risk” trying to fix the ship. If you don’t work on it, IT WILL GET WORSE!
Paul
.-= Paul Byerly´s last blog ..When she’s not feeling it, but it’s there. =-.
I would like to pipe in here to say divorce is not always the right solution to a what seems at the time to be a bad marriage, especially when children are involved, so I hope you people reading will try Alisa’s suggestions.
The quote by Seth Godin really spoke to me. I’d like to forward it to a lot of people I know! Everything about this post, actually, spoke to me. Do you have more information about what you did to improve your marriage?
.-= Christine´s last blog ..Goodbyes are hard =-.
Hi Christine: Thanks for the kind words. Some of what I did is detailed in this series of posts: http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2009/01/free-marriage-advice-part-1/ Some other things are in the e-book. Still others are scattered throughout various posts. But my book puts it all together in one place–tells the story about falling in love, falling out of love, and what I did to fall back in love. And it gives a step by step plan so people can emulate what I did (if they so desire). That will be out in Jan.
“Anxiety is nothing but re-experiencing failure in advance. What a waste.”
Reality is shaped by your thoughts. So, if a happy marriage is your objective, visualize you and your spouse laughing, smiling & having your idea of a good time. And know, in your heart of hearts, it will happen.
Conversely, if your focus your attention on fear and anxiety, you will get what you are fearful of.
Great post, Alisa.
Once again Alisa you’ve given excellent advice. I don’t think this just applies to marriages, the few times I’ve been possessed enough to think this way about problems I was having with other people, it really enabled me to work out a solution that worked for everyone!
Sometimes it’s the other person stopping you from saving your marriage. I know when my ex-wife had her affair, it pretty much was her insistence on continuing the affair that prevented all of my real life actions from having any positive impact.
It wasn’t my fear. After all, I was willing to look at myself and address any issues she was willing to present that caused her to believe that a married man was better suited to be her lover than the man who vowed to love, honor and cherish her.
So maybe it was her fears, but then that would be mind reading, and like the author, I didn’t take that course either in school. (And if it were offered, I’d probably fail, oh wait, is that mind reading, or just knowing my own limits, LOL?)
Anyway, sometimes it’s not the fear of the spouse willing to do the heavy lifting, but the fear, or bad behavior, (or maybe both, or even more things) that prevents one from saving their marriage.
Until there is a sure fired way for one spouse to prevent another spouses destructive behavior, there will be marriages that fail, and often not due to the fear of the betrayed or abandoned spouse.
I also agree with what I read here. It is so easy nowadays to get divorced and it is also more and more common and accepted in society. So a lot of couples take the easy way out and don’t even try to save their marriage. It is actually really sad, because you would think why have they married in the first place. They must have had something special together inthe past and now they are not even trying to fond that again?
Fear of failure stops loads of people in their tracks. Its the #1 reason, the average people won’t stretch from their comfort zone.
An attempt to salvage a troubled marriage will undoubtedly have its unpleasant moments…and, sure, we all know that its the right & sensible thing to do.
But then comes that fear of failure gremlin again and with him paralysis, mediocrity and status quo.
Human nature, I guess.
You’ve put alot of thought into this post, Alisa. Many thanks.
.-= save my marriage today´s last blog ..Problems in Marriage =-.
the best way to save your marriage is to have good communication and understanding with each other.`,-
eveyone should not always resort to divorce when there are misunderstandings. everyone should always save their marriage.-`”
I recommend therapy!
saving your marriage should always be a priority whenever things turn sour on a marriage -**
Amazing story, saved your website in interest to read more!