Marriage Improvement Monday
Do you ever go to the Planning the Funeral Place because of some stubborn behavior that your spouse either won’t stop or won’t start? Say you’ve repeatedly talked about sharing the housework, but your spouse is still a lazy slob. Or maybe you’ve repeatedly gone over how important it is for you to get to destinations on time, but your spouse still causes you to run 10, 20, 30 or more minutes late.
You’ve spoken your voice until you’ve lost your voice. You’ve talked about your feelings. You’ve made very specific requests for new behavior.
You’ve tried every communication strategy that you’ve ever read about.
No dice.
So, now, you are convinced that your spouse doesn’t love you. Why else would your spouse ignore your repeated attempts at communication?
Good question, and it’s precisely the question that could get you out of this frustrating place.
It wasn’t until somewhat recently that I realized the powerful importance of one word. The word is this: Why.
Why do you talk to me like that?
Why do you leave your empty beer bottles on the floor?
Why didn’t you give her a bath?
Why are you late?
Why do you complain about my cooking?
Why do you sit there and watch TV when you can see me cleaning the house?
If you are like me, then you skip straight to the solution before asking why. Heck, if you are like me, then you rarely if ever ask why. Who cares about why he or she does it? You just want change, right?
Here’s why you want to care about why: once you understand why your spouse does or does not do something, you will be better able to solve the problem. For instance, my husband likes to keep the bathroom counter completely free of clutter. Recently, however, I started keeping a tube of progesterone cream on top of the counter. I was doing this because I was supposed to apply this create once a day at the same time every day, but I kept forgetting. And the forgetting was doing a number on my hormonal state.
If I left it on the counter, I would see it at night as I brushed my teeth and remember to apply it.
The problem with my strategy was this: my husband did not know why I was leaving the cream on the counter.
So he kept taking my tube of progesterone and putting it in a drawer where I could not see it and therefore often forgot to apply it.
For weeks I kept putting it on the counter top. For weeks he kept putting it in a drawer.
Oh, it was a bad scene, and it was the kind of scene that can go on and on and in one of those relentless “I wish my spouse would just die already” ways.
Fortunately, I already knew why he kept putting it in a drawer because we’d talked about it in the past regarding my desire to keep my cleanser on the counter (he relented on that battle). It just took me a few weeks to realize that I already knew this. I’m dense like that sometimes, especially when I’m being stubborn for being stubborn’s sake.
Since I knew that he was putting the cream in the drawer because he feels nice and warm inside whenever he sees a nice, clean bathroom counter, I solved the problem. I moved the tube to the kitchen cabinet where I keep my supplements. That way, whenever I take my supplements in the morning, I see the tube of cream and I remember to use it.
I could have, alternatively, gotten in a power struggle with my husband about keeping the cream on the countertop. I’m guessing that the power struggle would not have been fun for either one of us.
Instead, I thought about “why,” and it was “why” that led to a workable solution for us both.
What sends you to the Planning the Funeral Place? Do you understand why your spouse bugs you so much? Do you think the word “why” could save your marriage? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Thought provoking post. Makes a lot of sense. Just curious, what you suggest in areas where you’ve asked why but still can’t seem to agree? Hubby took his dream job 2 years ago which means a city that I hate, a cut in pay and his traveling 90% of the time (we have young kids). I’ve been miserable ever since. We understand one another’s “whys”, but how do I get past the resentment I feel over the fact that he’s happy and wants to see this go on until retirement but I feel like I’m serving a jail sentence?
Good timing on this post! My husband and I had this conversation last night. He doesn’t remember anything – birthdays, kid’s events, things I have going on – and it is infuriating. We did have the “why” conversation and we’ve had it many, many times. It’s gotten to the point where our kids notice it now. Last night my daughter wanted to know where he was when we were eating dinner without him. (I wait, by the way, as late as humanly possible for him before giving up. Now we’ve discussed this – we eat at six, and if he can’t make it home by then he’s out of luck.) He also never thinks to call to let me know.
What happens when it gets stalled at why, but there is no change in the behavior?????
How many times do we have to have this conversation? I feel like he’s turning into the forgetful, not-caring husband and I’m turning into the nagging shrew.
My brother once told me:
When you ASSUME, you make an ASS out of U and ME.
Once again, you have taken a very complex problem, and given it a perfectly simple solution. Thank you, Alisa!
Lisa–Your situation is a little different. You are caught in the middle of a deal breaker. What makes him happy makes you miserable. These are the toughest issues in marriage. The important step for you both is to brainstorm solutions that might be able to get you BOTH to happy. Do you start a commuter marriage (ie you and the kids move to a location that you don’t hate. He lives in a hotel for the job and lives with you on weekends). Try to think up as many possible solutions and compromises as you can. Don’t initially rule any out. Maybe you can come up with one that works for you both.
Georgina: A reader who comments here regularly helped her husband remember events by writing them in his calendar for him. He would look at his calendar and there would be a note like this: “Today’s Lynn’s birthday. Her favorite flowers are tulips.” Dinner is a separate issue. Why does he run late? Is it work or something else? Does he avoid dinner with the family? (You said you knew the why, but I can’t tell from the comment).
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..I Had a Dream =-.
Alisa –
Thanks for the repsonse. He just says he can’t remember things like he used to. I have done the calendar thing – we have a centrally located calendar with everything on it. Birthdays, kids activities, my plans (which he’s forgotten about too.) He’s even forgotten my birthday. I also used to send him a weekly email with everything going on that week and even that doesn’t work. I’m tired of being his secretary and have told him so. I am his wife not his mother. I have three kids to look after and I don’t need another one.
At some point it has to be up to him to figure out what works for him to remember. I’ve even told him that the amount of “forgetting” that’s going on makes me feel invisible, unimportant. That’s why I asked the question about the change in behavior. I can’t do it for him and I also can’t drive myself crazy getting upset about it. I’m almost to the point of just acting as a single parent, of living my own life and if he wants to participate in it he will have to take more action to actually remember. He thinks about his job ALOT more than he thinks about what goes on here at home. We’ve had that discussion too – how things are way out of balance. But, it can’t be one person’s effort, it has to be two.
My husband HATES when I ask him “why” questions. Even if I say “how come”, it still gets annoyed with me. He rarely knows “why” he does something. He just does. So, instead of asking “why”, I tell him “why” I don’t like they he does something or that he doesn’t do something.
It took me a bit of time to figure out how to get around “why”. But we now have a workable solution.
Any Tips***
In general, I don’t know what is the question to ask ~~ today March 30, 2010 search through found your article about “How To Save Our Marriage” it every interest thing information. I’m hoping to get some advice from you. Our marriage about 4 years we have one lovely son (Nicholas) and he is in his 8 months old now. Last night my wife told me to find a book about “How To Save Our Marriage” and learn a few thing about it. I was not impress what she have said to me and I felt even more angry couldn’t said a word.
Van–So, in a sarcastic, not-so-nice way, your wife is telling you “our marriage is in trouble.” Listen to that. In my experience, it’s not much longer after this that one spouse walks out the door and refuses to come back. I suggest you use my Free Marriage Advice series as a starter. The first post is here: http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2009/01/free-marriage-advice-part-1/
Also, consider buying and reading a marital improvement book. I have a list on this page of ones I’ve tried: http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/marriage-advice/
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..I Had a Dream =-.
Alisa -
What a great concept! Why is so much better than a gripe, and it makes the other person think. I also like that you use the answer to the why to try and find a work around. Way to be!
Paul
.-= Paul Byerly´s last blog ..Would you want to be married to you? =-.
I’ve asked the whole “why’s” and “how comes” and I get “because.” or my personal favorite “why are you asking me all these questions?” Our marriage has officially been on the rocks for about a year now. I thought last June we made a 110% change around only to find out this past January and being 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child that he’s not happy, and wants..no needs something to change. I could go on with our history [it's very drama filled] but I won’t…i’ll probably run out of space! haha. Anyway… It got to the point where I was leaving [by his choice] with the kids and then he changes his mind..and says he doesn’t want a divorce but he needs “time” away from me. I get no more “I love you’s” or kisses, hugs…or anything emotional from him…his reasoning “I don’t feel like it” but yet he wants to work this out?? I’ve asked him why and all I get is “because…I can’t explain it”
FYI…I’ve already planned, attended and collected insurance from his death/funeral…in my head of course…hehe. I have no idea what to do now…
I think this is a great question to ask, I am just not always sure I know why I do someting – it certainly will get me thinking about it!
.-= Andi´s last blog ..March Five =-.
So what do you do when they don’t know why they something annoying — even when you’ve had that particular conversation multiple times? My DH swears he doesn’t think about most of his thoughts, actions, sayings, etc. I think if something really bothers your DH/DW (like the counters being neat) then you should think aboubt your actions and how they relate. He just gives me the blank look. Argh!
Hi Alisa,
I’m glad I found your website – the information is very helpful post about marriage issue. After I went through some articles it seem apply to my kind of problem. ***I have thought about what my wife have said, maybe she feel stress from work and have to pick up baby the same time. Lately I’m not listen well when we do communicating and I felt some part of me got very, too. I think that could be the factor my solution. what is your opinion?
thank you
van,
I don’t mean to disagree with asking “Why?”, but I have noticed that a few people are unable to answer the question, since they don’t know the underlying causes of their behaviour. It might be better to ask “What do you expect to happen when you . . . ?”
What do you expect to happen when you do you talk to me like that?
What do you expect to happen when you leave your empty beer bottles on the floor?
What do you expect to happen when you are so late?
What do you expect to happen when you complain about my cooking?
What do you expect to happen when you sit there and watch TV when you can see me cleaning the house?
Most will answer with some variation of, “I expect things to improve.” Then ask, “Are they improving through this method?” “No.” “Don’t you think you should try something else?”
A message comments from KIM says – I do agree that men not allways thinks before taking action on their hand went special deal with LOVE involve. It’s had happen to me recently in our communication because I’m listening well. I think I much have been overwhelm with our baby.
In last few days my wife initial to me she thoughts about letter “D” but somehow she reconsidered our baby. Look like think is open up by her but I haven’t a chance talk to about the problems. Sometime I don’t meant what I do think around the house that cause her felt unhappy, lol.
I go to the funeral place when my husband states an intent and does not follow through. This is especially aggravating as it relates to telephone calls. He is in the military. He lives somewhere else. He knows it is tremendously important to me that we talk because it helps me to feel connected. When he says, “I’m am gonna call you on (day) at (time),” the expectation is set that he will. But when he gets distracted by duties, socialization, or entertainment he does not. WHY DOES HE DO THAT? Because he has a life where he is, too. Realizing that — and asking him not to give me specific times for calls — has improved the situation tremendously.