How Often Do You Touch Your Spouse?
Have you touched your spouse today? Think about that question. Really ponder it.
And I’m not necessarily talking about sex, although that certainly counts.
What I want to know is this. Can you remember the last time you hugged? Kissed? Held hands? Stroked his forearm? Ran your fingers through her hair? Did the bump? Spooned? Patted him on the back? Rubbed her feet or shoulders?
When I was working on my marriage, I thought about those very questions and my answer was, “I can’t remember.” Just couldn’t. Not only were we not having sex, we were not touching at all. Ever. We were two people who co-existed in the same bed and who only touched by accident. (Oh, sorry, I was just rolling over. I didn’t mean to punch you in the face. Really, it was an accident!)
So my husband and I embarked on a touching project. The goal was simple: touch more often.
Initially, it was forced. I’d try to hold his hand while we walked. He’s 6 foot 1. I’m 5 foot 4 on a tall day. (My doctor says I’m 5 foot 3, but I only visit the doctor when I’m experiencing a short day). To hold his hand, I had to hold my arm in an unnatural position. It was God awful uncomfortable.
It was the same with spooning. I could not find a way to snuggle my backside into his front without feeling as if I was about to be crushed to death.
And when I tried to snuggle next to him on the couch, he’d get all fidgety and complain that I was putting his arm to sleep.
Honestly, it seemed as if our marriage was doomed, you know?
But we persevered. Eventually we realized that when I lied on the couch, the side of my butt made the perfect armrest for him. Instead of holding hands, we walked with my hand in his elbow. In bed, I lightly rested my foot against his calf.
Now I hug him and give him a peck on the cheek whenever one of us leaves the house. Whenever I walk past him, I run my fingers over his back. If he says something naughty, I spank him or elbow him in the ribs. And if he’s been a really good boy, I have even been known to wake him on Sunday mornings with a back rub.
Oh, and we do high fives and fist bumps, too, because we’re young and hip like that.
I now know that I can more easily confront him if I do it with my hand on his thigh. He knows that I’m less likely to take my stressful day out on him if he rubs my shoulders, gives me a hug, or kisses me on the cheek.
Researchers say that happier couples touch more often than couples that are mired in bad marriages. They think that touch might help us relax, so our brains are more receptive to problem solving. And they even say that touch may be just as effective as words when it comes to communicating your emotions. Indeed, in one fascinating study volunteers were able to accurately communicate anger, sadness, happiness and other emotions to a blind person just by touching that person in different ways.
So make it your marriage improvement goal to touch your spouse at least once a day every day this week. Once you can accomplish that, double your touching frequency. Then double it again.
I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how something so simple could improve your marriage so much.
Can you remember the last time you touched your spouse? When did you stop touching your spouse? What stops you from touching your spouse? Let’s explore the challenges that hold us back in the comments.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m a toucher and a hugger and a hand-holder. Drives my husband crazy sometimes. I love to touch him. When we first got together it actually cause some issues because he would take my touching as a sexual advance and it wasn’t always. I just wanted to rub on him.
.-= Angelia´s last blog ..Where’s The Line? =-.
Ha! I always say I’m 5 foot 3 on a tall day. With shoes. We touch a lot. Playfully. For comfort and reassurance. Plus full on sexy as well. Works for me!
.-= Frugal Kiwi´s last blog ..Felted Soap Video Tutorial =-.
My Love Language (as in, The 5 Love Languages from Gary Chapman) is Physical Touch and I drive my husband crazy with it just like @Angelia!
I’m forever rustling his hair, climbing onto his lap, kissing his hand… at first he didn’t cope well at all but he’s since realised that’s the way I let him know I love him and I need the affection in return because that’s the way I interpret love too. He’s naturally more affectionate with me now, which is lovely.
I remember at the start of our relationship I once decided I wouldn’t initiate contact at all until he did… it took four days before he did! I nearly went crazy! Some people just aren’t naturally affectionate, but it doesn’t mean they’re not loving people, they just have a different love language and express their love differently.
.-= 30dollardatenight´s last blog ..Real Life Couples: Brett and Mandy =-.
Thanks for the great post Alisa – I will say we do touch, many times a day, we’re both very touchy feely people.
I love know that touch might help us relax, so our brains are more receptive to problem solving. Now I have one more reason to do so, in fact I think I’m going to go touch him right now.
.-= Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife´s last blog ..Loving Food: Cheese Sauce =-.
Yep, we touch all the time. I’m sometimes more bothered by being touched than my husband. We sit close together on the couch. We hug and kiss when he comes home from work. We kiss when he leaves for work. We kiss before bed. We kiss just because. My husband is very affectionate.
Even when I’m mad at him, we still kiss and hug. Because most the time I’m not letting him know I’m mad at him, because it’s usually just my issue and has nothing really to do with him.
We do small touches throughout the day. We kiss goodbye and hello, even when we’re leaving to go to another room for some “alone time.” I try to touch him in passing… touching his back, giving a playful slap, something. I know he does this too. When I’m having a “down day,” I have a feeling I lose sight of these small types of touches because I’m focusing on the kinds of touches I’m not getting that I’d like (him spontaneously rolling over and putting a hand on my hip in bed when he knows I’m upset). But we hug, playfully touch, hold hands, kiss… we do these things on a daily basis.
Such a great post. Before I met my husband, I had this English professor who was on her second marriage and she told an interesting story about how often she and her husband touch. Even when they fight and are absolutely furious with each other, they make sure they touch pinkies. I thought that was amazing and while I don’t touch pinkies with the hubby while we’re fighting, we do hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddle quite a lot.
I absolutely agree with this post, Alisa! Touch is so important! My husband and I cuddle and rub each other’s back, feet, neck, etc. Usually, when we’re in public, we hold hands–or he’ll walk right behind me with his hand on my back–I like that! My husband is not a big kisser, so a good longer kiss from him is a real treat, but I love it when I get those!
He’s better at hugging, and for a while, he kept saying before he left for work “I don’t have time to hug/kiss you” and it was really hurtful. And then I said “I don’t think so, you ALWAYS have time to hug/kiss me hello/goodbye–I don’t expect a three minute hug or makeout session here, we’re talking about a quick kiss and a hug. It’s really important to me that we do this, because God forbid, what if one of us never comes home?” Life is crazy, I wasn’t trying to be morbid and dramatic, it’s just true. Things go wrong, people get in car accidents, etc….people are nuts. So, now, he gets ready for work a few minutes earlier and always kisses/hugs me goodbye before he leaves, which makes my whole day! If he’s in the mood (as in not having a major anxiety attack) he likes to cuddle, which is nice. He’s just not spontaenous about it, but that’s okay, because any amount of affection we can send/receive is great! I’m a very affectionate person, I grew up in a house that hugged and kissed and was big on showing affection, so it’s great! It’s definitely necessary. Last night, my husband rubbed my feet and the night before that, he rubbed my back because it was hurting like hell. He’s a good husband. This is a great post and so necessary to remember to touch within a marriage! (Even when you’re not headed for sex). Thanks, Alisa, have a wonderful week!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
P.S. By the way, I rub him a lot too, and I like it when he lays his head on my lap–that’s fun. I have the flu right now, so no touching beyond the feet in our house right now, but that’s okay. He’s home from work and taking good care of me
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He always gives me a long hug when he gets home from work and whispers naughty things in my ear (he was to whisper since we have 3 young kids around). He also likes to be sneaky and cop a feel when the kids aren’t looking.
I love to touch but not snuggle – my husband is a heater!
I am not a touchy person at all! I will see someone I hadn’t seen in ages and realize that they’re a hugger, and they realize that I’m not so there’s that real awkward body pose that is frozen where we decide if we’re going to hug or not (usually not). Not so with my husband! He is extremely affectionate and that is his number one way to show he loves me. So, I got really used to it, really fast. Now if he were to walk by me and not touch me, I almost start to panic! I do find it very important in marriage and it’s something that anyone can learn too
I agree that touching is so important and has a big, positive effect – even if it’s just sitting close to one another and touching thighs. It’s a little effort for a big connection.
Alisa, I want to thank you, because of you I have discovered Simple Marriage, I haven’t heard the podcasts yet, but hey, it’s a great start. Thank you.
Yes! Yes! Touch is absolutely essential for us. Whenever we are in the same room it seems touch is inevitable, like there is some kind of gravitational force at work. Fortunately we both love it, but I enjoy more being the one doing the touching than the one receiving it. My wife is the opposite so it works out great. I play guitar and have rough, calloused fingertips that my wife absolutely loves to have traced slowly and gently over her skin or run through her hair. We also hold hands whenver we walk and snuggle whenver we watch TV. It’s almost automatic. In fact, whenever touch is reduced we can tell that something is wrong between us – kind of like a marriage barometer for us.
I had also read somewhere that you should hold hand whenver you fight, like Almost Slowfood suggests. We haven’t tried that, but it sound like a good way to work through issues together.
.-= Scott´s last blog ..One Flesh (Part 1): Naked Without Shame =-.
Funny you should mention this, Alisa. I whole heartedly agree with you and believe that this is the crux of our {mine and my husbands} problem: we don’t touch enough!!
But he is just not a touchy feely guy. And therefore I basically feel like I am not loving him the way I want to, nor am I being loved the way I want. But what to do? I have tried to be the iniatiator, only to be told that I “am coming on too strong” or that he “feels like he is being raped”. He actually removes my hands from around his neck whenever I try to hug him. At this point, my feelings are so hurt, I don’t even bother anymore.
PS…I did have him read the “Physical Touch” section in The 5 Love Languages …he wouldn’t read any more than that.. and I made him a “Manual”, as you suggested, on how to romance me with lots of touching included. He had it posted on his bulletin board for awhile. Now its gone
So any ideas on how to get the horse to drink???
I am amazed at the number of people who are touchy-feely! I didn’t grow up in a touchy-feely household but am a very physically affectionate person… perhaps because of the absence of physical affection in the home??? My husband likes to touch also, and we do like to hold hands, cuddle, kiss, hug, and all that jazz. The issue is being at a distance because of — well because of a lot of things. I remember the last time we touched and it was far too long ago. We both forward to being in physical contact again, but we are not certain when we will even be in the same state to engage one another that way.
My husband and I have all the same physical barriers are you (short-tall, etc). But I do make an effort to touch his arm and definitely always kiss goodbye.
.-= Andi´s last blog ..French Friday – Parispoolza! =-.
sometimes i also have anxiety attacks and when it happens, i just breathe slowly and deeply to help me relax.’:,
Relaxation techniques and meditation can help a lot during Anxiety Attacks. -’~
Since touching means closeness, it can help to bridge the distances that separate us from one another. When connected, you can communicate better.
In sexual relationships, touching becomes a special form of communication. Among the complaints most frequently voiced by women about sex is that their male partners do not use enough stroking and caressing prior to, during, and after intercourse. What these women are really asking for is the communication of presence, of acceptance, of tenderness, throughout.
.-= problems in marriage´s last blog ..How to Fix a Marriage =-.
I grew up in a happy marriage family. I remember when I was young, I saw my parents always holding hand in the public. While at home watching TV, they would rubbed each others feet and sometimes give each other playful slaps. As a kid, I thought they were a funny couple. Now, I look back, I think my parents really know what a happy marriage is. Even till today, at age 70, they are still very much in love with each other.
Happy Marriage´s last [type] ..Happy Marriage – How to Maintain Marriage Relationship
i suffered from anxiety attacks and my doctor put me on anti-depressants .
when anxiety attacks gets me, it really creeps me up*’~