What’s Your Sulking Strategy?
I tend to clam up whenever I’m under stress. If someone asks me if something is wrong, I generally say, “No.” I might give my husband a longer answer. Instead of “no” he’ll get “it’s work” or “I had a pissy day” or “that effing project is still driving me crazy.”
But in the absence of a glass or two of wine, those are all of the details I’m usually willing to part with. This doesn’t bother my husband, possibly because conflict makes him uncomfortable.
Me? I can’t stand it when the tables are turned and he’s sulking in silence.
Can’t. Stand. It.
I’m a highly empathetic person who feels the pain of others as if it’s my own. And when someone doesn’t tell me what’s going on, I feel even more pain than the person I’m worried about because my catastrophic thoughts have me imagining all sorts of unlikely yet horrific things that the person who won’t talk must be going through.
And since I’m imagining the worst, it’s really hard for me to just sit back and watch someone suffer. I feel the need to do something.
So I find myself asking, “Are you okay? Are you sure? Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about it? How can I help? I’m here! Are you sure you don’t want to talk? Are you sure nothing is wrong? Would you tell me if something was wrong? Why not? I’m here to comfort you. You’ll feel better if you talk about it….”
As I’ve said those words in the past, I’ve watched my husband retreat deeper and deeper into his turtle shell. I could tell that I wasn’t being helpful. But I felt the need to try to help anyway.
Recently, however, I had a revelation. I discovered a way to alleviate my anxiety without making him uncomfortable in the process.
A couple weeks ago, my husband was upset. He told me why he was upset, and then he stopped talking. For some reason, this time, I sensed that he was done talking. I did not ask another question. Instead I hugged him, came onto him, and gave him a blowjob. As I was going down on him, he said with a huge smile and happy tone of voice, “Woman, you are going to make me forget all of my troubles aren’t you?” I said, “Yes, indeed, I am.”
And, for a short while, I did.
Afterward, I said, “I can’t tell if you want to talk or not. In case you want to be left alone, I won’t ask you about it again. If you want to talk, I’m here.”
And I said no more. Yes, of course, it was hard. I had to hold myself back. But I could tell it was the right thing to do. It was what he needed. I was able to help him by not helping him. And I could feel good about that.
Talk About Your Sulking Strategy
Some people, of course, are the opposite of my husband. If their wives went down on them when they were upset, they might—I don’t know—get confused. (I’m curious. To my male readers: would any of you turn away a blow job if you were sad or stressed?) Other people need to talk and be held and surrounded by people when they are stressed and sad. Some just want a dark room, some ice cream, and a warm dog.
We all sulk differently. For that reason, I think it’s probably a good idea to talk with your spouse about how you both prefer to be comforted when you’re sad, anxious or stressed. Do you prefer to:
- Be left alone?
- Be held, but not questioned?
- Be questioned until you come out with it?
- Be loved and adored? (With holding, hugs, kisses, or a blowjob)
- Something else?
Talk about how you want your spouse to be there for you. Also, come up with some code phrases or gestures that you’ll both understand during the heat of the moment. For instance, if you like to suffer in silence, it might be as simple as the hand. If you like company, it might be reaching your arms out in a hugging gesture. That way, you don’t have to ask for help or ask to be left alone. Your partner will know, based on your predetermined cue.
How do you comfort your spouse? How does your spouse comfort you? Do you prefer to be left alone? Or do you prefer to talk when you are upset? What challenges have you faced with comforting or being comforted by your spouse? Leave a comment.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this post, Alisa you’re a woman after my own heart.
Much like you, whenever I’m under stress. If someone asks me if something is wrong, I generally give short evasive answers. But I can’t stand it when the tables are turned and my husband is sulking in silence.
I have learned over time if he is being evasive it’s probably for a reason. Perhaps he doesn’t know what exactly is wrong or maybe he’s not ready to talk about it. I have also learned that it’s better to trust in our relationship and trust that he knows he can come to me as opposed to pushing.
When I push my effects of trying to comfort my husband result in exactly the opposite, and usually conflict occurs.
I love your story about the blowjob. they do cure most ailments don’t they… Like I said you’re a woman after my own heart.
Thank for sharing such great incite Alisa.
.-= Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife´s last blog ..Our Love Story- Part 3: The First Date =-.
Your cure is pretty effective. I’ll also occasionally bake. That man LOVES banana bread and I don’t make it often so I can keep it as a treatment option.
.-= Melanie´s last blog ..Lucky Shamrock Giveaway =-.
Alisa, I’m very perceptive of the moods of other people. I drive my husband crazy with the questions. Because also like you, I go to the worse places in my head. Hubby can be totally drained from work and not talking and I’m certain (or used to be, I’m better now) he doesn’t know how to tell me he wants a divorce. (Wild imagination, I know.)
Now, he has a phrase: “I’m staring at the fire”. Which means he’s drained and doesn’t need to talk about anything. He just needs to be quiet. Since he came up with this phrase several years ago, it has saved us countless fights.
I still have to drag it out of him if he’s mad at me. But he’s learned, that I will drive myself to the looney bin in five minutes if he doesn’t talk to me. So, he’s learned to talk to me, just to save me. It’s not his preferred method, but it works better for our marriage overall.
Now, I’m exactly opposite. I need to talk and talk and maybe talk some more. And preferable to more than one person. I need different viewpoints to figure out how I’m going to handle something that’s upsetting me. I used to never talk to my husband about what was bothering him, because I didn’t like his responses. I sometimes just want to vent and don’t need his logic. I just need his acknowledgment. But he’s learned over the years to just say “I understand”. And leave it at that. He’s also learned to ask “how are you feeling/doing with _______?” And then I tell him and he just says he understands. He’s learned NOT to fix my upset/problem!
I will fix it, in my own due time.
I’m not sure if my husband would be up for a blow job or not when he’s upset or bothered by something. But I do flash him my boobs and that does wonders for his mood. LOL!!
I’m a little more like what Kathy described, but I’m definately like you and I have a strong sense of empathy. In fact, until I read your description, I didn’t know that was why I catastrophized things so much when the husband gets distant and sulky (no, he’s not allowed to be down in the dumps ever… if he is, something is obviously wrong with our relationship and we’re doomed for divorce. At least that’s what my mind says. Ha!)
When I get sulky, sometimes I want to talk…. and talk… and talk, but really only to the husband or whichever family member I feel like opening up to. Often, I feel like no one will understand. And, sometimes, I can’t put into words why I’m feeling down. Being prone to anxiety that can turn into mild depression has that effect on me… feeling down without really understanding why. So, lots of times, I sit with it on my own, or I journal, or I just tell the husband “I’m feeling anxious today.” If he asks why, I may say “I don’t know” or “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” He knows hugs make me feel better, so I’ll get hugs. Sometimes I just want to be left alone… sometimes, I don’t want to talk, but I want to be near him (in the same room). Sometimes a bath helps relax me.
As for my husband… I ask him if he’s OK and he’ll often tell me. I go into “I want to fix” mode, but have learned that sometimes he just needs space and I tell him “if you want to talk, you have an open invitation. Just let me know.” I like the idea of some sort of phrase to indicate the type of help we want, if any. Might suggest that to the husband.
Alisa, I loved this post so much that it inspired me…
I mentioned your post and included a link to it here:
http://confessionsofalovingwife.com/2010/03/loving-marriage-communicating-intimacy-communication/
.-= Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife´s last blog ..Our Love Story- Part 3: The First Date =-.
Alisa, What man in their right mind would say “no” to your special cure-all? In fact, I think some might feign upset just to get a sympathy BJ. When I’m upset about something, I need a hug and a good…ear. I need my husband to listen and drop everything else to show me he is really listening.
Well…I am not sure I agree with your ‘cure all’ as that is a temporary fix certain to make your hubby forget about what ails him…but gives you a sore jaw in the process–altho I am sure my hubby would be all over that like a cheap suit. Like your hubby, Alisa, mine avoids confrontation AT ALL COSTS. He lacks the tools for dealing wiht conflict effectively. We went to therapy for several weeks and it improved for a time…and now I just ‘choose my battles’ and avoid stress. That is my ‘coping strategy’. I would like all of you ladies to weigh in on this and tell me what you think I should do.
Our 5 yr anniversary was last year April 22nd. After months of oogling at rings in jewelry store windows, I guess I convinced my husband to buy me an anniversary ring. He bought a ring that was stunning but it was way more than he could afford. Still he made payments faithfully until about 3 months ago. I intercepted a bill in RED and sure enough he was 3 months late…so I wrote a check (we both work and I have a separate account because of his financial history in the past) and so I just paid off the balance. Now….I know why he didn’t tell me. What man wants to admit to their spouse that they couldn’t pay for a ring. My dilemma is…how do I tell him I paid it off? Should I even tell him? I was thinking I would loudly admire my ring one day and say something like ‘Oh I am so glad I have you for a husband…to buy me such a gorgeous ring!’ (: Any ideas?
Michele–I think what you are talking about is a little different. It’s a real issue that involves you vs. something he’s just sad or stressed about that doesn’t involve you. Re the ring specifically, I think I would just calmly say, “I noticed a bill with a late notice for the ring. So I paid for it. I wish you felt comfortable telling me ____. What can I do to make you feel more comfortable telling me about these things?”
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Marriage Improvement Monday =-.
@Michele: I wouldn’t mention it. When the bills stop coming, maybe he’ll think he paid it off. I don’t think your husband is unusual, I think most men avoid confrontation and hate to fight/argue with their spouses.
For Michele, Alisa, and everyone else I HIGHLY recommend “Men, Love & Sex by David Zinczenko,”
http://www.amazon.com/Men-Love-Sex-Complete-Users/dp/1594867364/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1268703033&sr=8-1
it’s a quick, easy read, done magazine style (author is the editor of Men’s Health magazine), and is like a roadmap to how men feel about things. There is a whole chapter about how men do NOT want to talk when something is bothering them, and how women with a million questions (“how are you FEELING?”) drive them crazy. Well worth reading! I think there was even a part about how one guy described a horrible week he had at work, and how his wife was so understanding, she just made him a drink when he got home and sent him downstairs to watch TV (there may have been a blowjob involved, too), and how she was just the best wife for doing this. The last thing he wanted was to talk about why his week was so crappy. Please read this, it was very helpful for me, and a real eye-opener!
PS– just saw the post from Alisa….I have to say, I disagree. If he were a woman, then of course you could go that route
but men are so senstitive about stuff like that. He’ll think: he’s the guy, he’s supposed to be able to pay for stuff like that, and now whenever he looks at the ring, all he’ll think of is how he couldn’t come through for you. I have a neighbour (a woman) who has a great job, and her husband doesn’t work as much, although he’s super-handy around the house. A few years ago, he had a new truck. We were all having dinner, and she said (to everyone) “I bought Ted a truck!”, I think because she was pleased she had navigated the sale on her own. A few months later, she said it again at a different gathering…well, that truck wasn’t in their driveway for much longer. I think he must’ve found it really emasculating that she kept saying that. A double-standard, perhaps, but then, men are different creatures altogther.
Reading this, I kept thinking how different men and women are. (I think you wrote a post about that a couple months ago?)
hello, yes i read up on this. thank you for all of the info. me and my husband have an amazing relashionship we get along great. we have four beautiful children, but everybody has a little ups and downs. so heres a little adivce when ur fighting just have sex that night it works!!!! WE DID IT , WE ARE FINE NOW AND MAKE HIM GIVE YOU A LITTLE PLEAUSRE TOO!
Yeah, it sounds like you’ve come up with a pretty perfect solution. Unfortunately it won’t work for me. In my marriage, I’m the communicative one and SHE is the one who always sulks and avoids conflict or communication in general. Truth be told, half the time she doesn’t even understand why she’s upset–or worse–even realize that she is upset about anything until later on; meanwhile I’m bugging the hell out of her trying to figure out what’s wrong.
A blowjob certainly won’t solve this problem here. Unfortunately, she’s given to bad moods on a very regular basis, so the most effective method of resolving it, i.e. ignoring her, means that we don’t communicate for days at a time.
I am quite the explorer and I want to dig for the issue in virtually every case of sulking. Unfortunately, my husband would much rather keep the issue to himself and work through it on his own. When I am supportive and considerate I just tell him I love him and he can talk to me if he would like to do so. Sometimes he comes around, other times he says he would like to go it alone. When he is supportive he just listens to me go on a tangent about my woes, empathizes, and encourages me. I won’t discuss what we do when we aren’t supportive…
I am sure my husband would think it quite fabulous if I just gave him a blowjob when he was upset and didn’t ask any questions related to what ailed him. Maybe I’ll try that next time.
This is to the andrew one, okay well when you are sleeping cuddle up to her, make her feel good about her self, and kiss her, then make out with her. then the next night just say something and then just try it and have sex. just take it easy, show how much you love her, give her a little pleasure first and then…..! i once was a marriage councilor I can help
Andrew–I want to pass on something that my husband does (a few things actually) that I find quite comforting when I’m brooding. The other night, I sat next to him and I said, “Is it going to be this hard forever?” That’s all I wanted to say about what was going on. He got that. He said, “No it’s not” and then he gave me a big sloppy one on the cheek and held my hand. I felt loved. That’s all I wanted and needed. Other simple gestures: he rubs my shoulders. He hugs me–the long lingering kind. He comes up to me as if he’s our toddler and says “Mommy! huggy!” and he crawls all over me and showers me with 100 kiss pecks (just as she would do it). I don’t know if it would work with your wife, but those things definitely help bring me out of a funk. It doesn’t mean I talk about it, but I do end up feeling a lot better.
If my hubby is the reason I’m sulking, then definitely the “nothings wrong, I’m fine” is the way I go. I avoid confrontation with him because who likes to talk about ucky things?!?! But eventually it comes out…if it’s anything but him that has gotten me upset, then watch out, I will talk as long as he will listen. He’s very good at playing devil’s advocate, which often helps me to calm down because it forces me to see the other side of whatever has gotten me up in arms.
Although cracking a joke will often ease my tension, going sexual or lovey dovey will just annoy me until I’m ready to let my bad mood go. Although he is always up for a good bj! No matter the mood!
She definitely doesn’t like to be cuddled in those moods, nor kiss-pecked, nor hugged. The shoulder rubbing is definitely a good idea. I’m gonna get back to you about that.
I originally read this post on Sunday night, I’ve been thinking about my response ever since. As usual, please forgive my lengthy comment here:
First of all, Alisa, giving your husband a blow job to cure his bad mood–you are awesome! I think you just won “Wife of the Year,” for that one! Thank you for making me laugh out loud! (In a very good way!)
I really wish that sort of thing would work for my husband, but often times (and I don’t think he’s the only one) when he’s really upset, trying to be physical with him just alienates him. A lot of men are like that (even if they’re generally into sex), they need to be left alone and tend to themselves in their “man cave” know what I mean? I’m ALL for hugging, kissing and sexual stuff when one or both of us is in a funk, but it’s also NOT the right move for many couples. Thank you for acknowledging that.
My husband came home about two weeks ago and said “I’m kinda bummed, and I’m not sure why. I don’t wanna talk about it, but will you just sit with me?” That made my night! Not that he was bummed, obviously, but that he was open and honest enough to ask me to just sit with him. We didn’t spend the night arguing about him not opening up to me verbally and we were able to just enjoy each others company, by just being together. Sometimes, just sitting together, or putting your head on each others lap works wonders! I totally agree with you, Alisa! That’s usually what helps my husband–just sitting beside him, holding hands, rubbing his back or feet or something. Just being quiet. It’s taken me years (literally) to recognize and accept this, but it works better now this way!
Secondly, I think it’s important to discern the difference between a bad mood and depression. Bad moods are one thing, a person being severely depressed is another. I know this post is about how to perk up a bad mood and how to get your spouse to open up. But, since depression is so common these days, it’s important to know that if a person is truly depressed, most likely, NOTHING will help them. (Except for meds and self-intervention!) That doesn’t mean we can’t be there for those loved ones who are depressed–lend a helping hand, a kind word, a thoughtful deed, a listening ear–those are all very helpful. But, depression is so much bigger than all of that and often, trying to get a depressed person to become not-depressed does nothing more than make them more depressed, supress them with guilt and is sort of fruitless.
That all being said, if someone is just in a funk–than I think that’s the one of the BEST parts of being married. Having someone to come home to and lean on, talk to, or not talk to (if that’s your thing) and just sit with them. It’s absolutely awesome!
Everyone that I know has different ways of “licking their wounds,” when they’re in funk.
As for me, I like to talk about it, sometimes rant and rave–organize something while I’m ranting and raving helps too! Other times, I like to talk quietly about it. I also like to listen to music, go for a drive, sing/dance my heart out, cook a meal or just veg out in front of the TV and forget all my problems.
If I’m REALLY down in the dumps, I like to meditate, write about it, and/or have quiet time and be alone. I either really NEED to be alone or NEED to be with someone (my husband, a friend, etc). There’s really no middle ground for me.
All of this, unfortunately, adds up to a very confused husband of mine! LOL!
The poor guy doesn’t ever really know which one I want to do.Usually, if it’s work related, I DO need to talk about it, vent and then just move on. In that case, I do NOT want his advice, I just want him to listen.
If it’s family/friend related, than I like to just ask his opinion and then cuddle.
And if it falls under anything else, well, than I like sex! Sex is a MAJOR stress reliever for me and it’s the ONE time when I CAN (and willingly) forget ALL my troubles! I love that it brings my husband and I closer together, that it’s physical, mental, emotional and spiritual–all at the same time! It’s good exercise, good for the body and orgasms release all sorts of “feel good” chemicals in the brain, which ultimately lead to me feeling MUCH better! So sex is usually a good solution for me!
My husband is not as into sex as I am, we actually kind of are reversed in that in our relationship–I am more like a guy (wanting it more often, thinking about it more often) and he’s kind of like a woman (pretty much not that into sex). We’ve learned to work on that and balance it out, but the thing is, I have often said “if we’re in a fight or I’m feeling incredibly stressed out or just need a pick me up–I’m tellin’ ya, sex! Just have sex with me!” Not that sex is my cure-all and end all. The problems are still there when we’re done, obviously, but it’s certainly helpful for me! So yes, my husband doing anything sexual with me (kissing, touching, etc..) is absolutely beneficial to me when I’m in a funk!
That being said, he is the opposite. He wants to be left alone, doesn’t want to talk about it. Like you, Alisa, this used to drive me nuts. But, now, I’m okay with it. I ask him once or twice initially, if he wants to talk about it, and then again in about three hours. Sometimes, he will talk about it after a few hours (he needs time to run it around in his head, I guess, I do too sometimes), and sometimes he won’t. I’ve learned to be okay with that. I let him know that I’m here and willing to listen and then I let go, occupy myself and let him come to me. If he doesn’t, I don’t prod. It isn’t worth it. Sometimes NOT saying something can in fact be just as helpful as saying everything!
Another important thing (that I do in ALL relationships, not just my marriage) is ask the person “Do you want my advice or do you need me to just listen?” I have found that asking this question, flat out, is very helpful! That way, I know what the person needs and wants–I’m not offering unsolicited advice, I’m not wasting my time trying to “fix” them when all they really want is to be heard. And I’m also not “being unresponsive” if they DO need/want advice. This is hugely helpful!
While I agree that nobody is a mind reader and it’s important to tell our spouses what we need/want, there’s also something very beautiful about being open to whatever way they want to help. At the end of the day, I think we all want to see our spouses happy, healthy and smiling. If we are open to different ways of beings soothed, comforted or embraced (troubles and all), than those “funks” can only bring us closer together!
This was a great marriage improvement Monday, Alisa, thanks!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
P.S. I really like what Kathy said! She made me laugh about turning in a non-existent talking husband into “I want a divorce.” I used to be like that too. I think the great thing about being married for longer (hopefully) is that you get to know your spouse a little better. And Kathy, I LOVE the whole “staring at the fire” thing, I will definitely have to try that! I think it’s brilliant and probably very effective! Thanks for sharing!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Okay, last comment on this post, I swear! Sorry, this just came to mind: I think that accepting that we are NOT responsible for someone’s moods/opinions/actions, is vital in life! We can help, encourage, support and uplift–but at the end of the day, how/what someone else thinks, says and does is completely up to them. Even when we’re married.
I think being mature enough to love someone, with all their troubles, and let go, is wonderful! I think accepting that we can’t control others, we can’t MAKE someone open up to us–it’s all part of becoming a mature adult.
Being there for those we love, making ourselves (heart, mind, ears) readily available to them is so necessary, but so is learning when to let go and let them come to us.
Recognizing that we all have different coping strategies and allowing people the room to “work it out” for themselves is key not only to a marriage, but pretty much to every relationship in life!
@ Sarah Liz,
When hubby comes home totally beat from work (he has a very mental job) and looks unhappy and beaten down and then says “I’m staring at the fire”, I’m so relieved that it’s just a tiresome day from work and nothing I’ve done to piss him off. LOL!!! And I know I’m “supposed” to basically “ignore” him and give him space. He doesn’t mind if we watch TV together and I cuddle him. He just doesn’t want to be asked 500 times if he’s OK. He’s not a talker. Except on rare occasions. And this relieves my mind and lets me be OK.
Okay, here’s my take.
This is a big question and hard for me to answer, but frankly
as an occasionally sulking guy I would say that this would often not work for me and
I will tell you why.
I think if my spouse did this for me it would seem to me that she wasn’t seeing the
issues I was dealing with as a real problem. I don’t know, maybe that’s not fair.
Hugging is okay, but that might be my limit.
Personally I would rather have her on my team, than change what I’m thinking about.
Does that make sense to anyone else?
@aguyreader
No, I would go for the blowjob, personally. : )
I think this just proves the point that we are all different — and require different types of comfort — which is why it’s good to talk about that with our spouses, because our spouses can’t guess and read our minds.
Hilarious. Hilarious! Now you need to write a follow-up post about whether you spit or swallow (tee hee).
I will have to try this technique sometime. My husband will be, um, very very very happy if I do… (of course we have the small problem of a tiny baby and no privacy in our house. And by the time all the kids are asleep, I’m so darn tired.)
To answer part of your question: I don’t sulk. I rant. I tend to be very in touch with what’s bugging me and more than happy to share ALL the details if James–or anyone else–is willing to listen, which he usually is. Which is nice. Which is why I should follow your lead and … you know…
Do you prefer to be left alone? Or do you prefer to talk when you are upset?
As Alisa says, its a good idea to ask your spouse these questions in advance, so you can respond appropriately when the situation arises.
I also like this idea…”come up with some code phrases or gestures that you’ll both understand during the heat of the moment”. Sounds simple but it instills a sense of teamwork and draws you closer.
.-= help save marriage´s last blog ..Save My Marriage Today Review =-.
The only way I am able to talk to my husband about things I know are just going to start a fight we text each other easier to get what you need to out with out be cut off and keeps the kids from hearing us fight. Sometimes we will even text each other when sitting next to each other in our home. My husband still keeps most everything bottled up inside and he has been that way as long as I can remember. Hard to do the Blowjob thing when you have young ones at home unless of course the stressful situation comes up after they are in bed already. Maybe I’ll have to try that one of these nights…..