Get to Know Your Spouse All Over Again
Toward the end of my 4-month marriage improvement project, I read a book that suggested I get to know my husband on a deeper level by asking him about the meaning of life.
Before I go on, I’m just curious. How many of you think that’s a swell idea? Don’t read on until you’ve decided. Really, don’t. Just think about it. Good idea or bad idea? I’d really love to know what you think. And if you read on, my story will bias you. So think about it. Then read on.
Whether you thought about it or not, this is how my meaning of life discussion went.
Me: What’s the meaning of life?
Him: Beer.
Me: No, really. Be honest.
Him: Yes, really. It’s beer.
Me: I don’t know why I stay married to you.
See? It didn’t get us anywhere. Maybe we should have smoked a joint first.
Oh, man, there I go again—putting things out in cyberspace that are going to bar me from ever working in corporate America again.
Although the Meaning of Life Question did not help me grow closer to my husband, I do like the idea behind it. I like it for two reasons.
1. Part of what attracted us to our spouses all those years ago were those long telephone talks and late night discussions. Do you remember those? You could not get enough of each other. And you felt so special and adored because your spouse kept asking you question after question. Didn’t you love being listened to? And didn’t you love learning about your spouse? I know I did. Yet, if you are like me, then those heart felt discussions stopped somewhere after you discovered how you each lost your virginity and before the birth first of your first child. If you are like me, your conversations eventually were reduced to one-word answers, grunts, and surface talk about the weather and your bank account balance. Yawn. Boring. Midlife crisis waiting to happen, right?
2. During a lifetime, people change. Your spouse is not the same person you married. You are not the same person your spouse married. If only you could find a way to unlock the mystery of one another! You’d have something interesting to talk about! Just imagine it. You could fall in love with each other all over again. Dinner would suddenly become the most exciting part of your day!
The problem, of course, is two fold. One, you need to have faith in the idea that your spouse really is an interesting human being who is capable of talking about things other than the weather. Two, you need to ask the right questions, ones that will stimulate discussions about all of those things you still do not know about one another.
What to Ask
Here are some questions that might work for you. Please report back and let me know if you tried them and how it went, as I’m supposed to talk about “Conversation Starters for Conversation Starved Marriages” on TV in a couple weeks. Ladies: please know that I put all of these questions through the Cave Man Test. In other words, I asked my husband whether or not he would answer them, evade them, make a joke about them, or refuse to answer. He said that he would answer every single one of them. By the way, he said he would not answer the question, “What most embarrasses you?” so I suggest you stay away from that bombshell.
- Is there anything you are afraid to tell me?
- If money were no object, what would you do for a living?
- Heck, if money were no object and you never had to work a day for the rest of your life, how would you prefer to spend each and every day? (Note: my husband said he would answer this, but he said the question was rather long. Speak slowly and shorten as needed.)
- Do you have any regrets? Is there anything you wish you could do over?
- Why did you fall in love with me?
- Why do you love ________? (For instance, “Why do you love riding your bike?”)
- What would make life no longer worth living? (Note: when I asked my husband this question, I was convinced that he would tell me that life would not be worth living if he could not ride his bike. Instead he said, “My penis could fall off.” See? That was interesting! I had no idea!)
- Is there anything you want to do before you die?
- What’s the hardest thing you ever accomplished?
- Of what are you most proud?
Postscript: I happened to read “Sweet Romantic Pick Up Lines That Work” at ItMightBeLove.com as I was thinking about this post. I realized that most of the pick up lines double as conversation starters for married couples. They’re worth checking out. But please know that I have not put any of them to the Cave Man Test. So tread carefully.
Do you have any conversation starters that you’d like to share? Have you ever talked about the meaning of life? If so, how did it go?
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
The first question of “What do you think is the meaning of life?” is a very scary question to ask anyone! I would have a hard answering that if he asked me, so I don’t think I could ask him. Plus, I’m pretty sure my husband’s answer would be similar. As for the other questions, I think they are all very good and will give them a try, especially during dinner. I noticed that we don’t really talk during dinner. Thanks for the tips; I am really enjoying Marriage Improvement Mondays!
I would never ask my husband the question, What’s the meaning of Life? I don’t want to know. And I don’t want to hear his long winded answer. LOL!!!
Yes, I know there are things my husband is afraid to tell me. When I complain that we don’t talk like we used to he says “I’m afraid to say things to you”.
My husband has already told me he never plans on retiring. So, I know if money were not an issue, he’d still work.
His regrets: he’d probably not marry his second wife. (I’m #3.)
I pretty much know most of the answers my husband would give to the rest of the questions. Only because I pretty much know my husband. I should write down the answers I think he’d give and see how close I am. LOL!!! Maybe I’d be surprised.
I get a lot of insight into my husband because we have dinner with several bachelors every Saturday night. I let the guys do most of the talking. I sort of listen. When you get philosophical guys together, you can learn a lot about your husband and men, in general.
These are great, I’m going to ask him them right away. I tried to ask him once, what he absolutely wanted to accomplish before he died. If he were on his death bed, and this one thing had been accomplished, he could die happy. His answer: buy a motorcycle. When I pressed him further he said buy one and ride it across the country. *sigh* men!
I love this idea. My favorite thing is when my husband and I have a night of really good conversation. Often it’s prompted by a TV show or something on the news. It’s just a great way to touch base and see what his opinion is compared to mine. I have to laugh though at some of the answers your husband shared. Isn’t it interesting how differently men and women think? When I step back and realize this, men really are much more simple in their though processes than we women are. Ah, to be able to think about things in a simple manner. Wouldn’t that be nice?
What’s the meaning of life is a probably not the first of these conversation boosters one should try with one’s spouse, as it’s such a toughie.
One word: communication. You’ve got that so right and thanks for putting out there simple ways to keep a marriage together.
.-= Alexandra´s last blog ..Bonus Post: Wellfleet Marina before Sunset =-.
I’d get an odd look and “42″, but the other questions would probably work better.
.-= Melanie´s last blog ..Needle Felting Video Tutorial | Get your groove on with Magic Mushrooms =-.
I like these ideas. Alot. Will do my best to try them out on my dear hubby!
Hubby and I play “An Enchanted Evening” game. It’s a great way to converse – we start off playing the game and often just continue talking once we’ve ended the game. I keep the “mood” relaxed … a few candles spread out in the room, finger foods and drinks on a tray and we play on a nicely made bed. No rumpled sheets, nothing “messy” – everything neat yet comfortable.
We’ve had more open conversations playing that game than me just trying to have a chat with him. Since we can add questions to blank cards, I’ll add a few and see what happens.
Love visiting here – always something new and different.
I love this. I am starting to ask my husband questions like this. He’s very thoughtful about them. My favorite one recently is, of all the things that you do, which one brings you the greatest joy? He did not answer “looking at you naked” but rather, coaching kids. Isn’t that cool? I thought about that for DAYS.
Wow, what great comments. I love Kathy’s idea of having bachelors over and watching the interaction. But Maile is giving out gold right there with the idea of taking your questions and weaving them into “an enchanted evening.” I was even reading the post wondering how to entice the Strong and Silent Guy into playing the question game and there you have it – finger foods and all – I love this blog!
.-= Gina Parris´s last blog ..The Only Thing Worse Than Failure =-.
For Valentine’s Day we have homework. We have to make a list in 3 parts.
1. In what ways I have changed in the past year
2. In what ways I think you have changed in the past year
3. What could we do to make our relationship better
It’s neat because he might point out changes in me that I had not noticed, and vice-versa. And we get to learn about some stuff that has been going on inside the other person that we might not have known about.
Of course, we’re going on 3 years of dating and getting married this summer so we’re still in the full honeymoon phase. Maybe ask me again in 10 years and I’ll sound less chirpy?
Ah, Alisa–the queen of everything relationship. I read this post while on the train yesterday afternoon and it filled me with so much hope, passion and excitement to use these questions. (Minus the meaning of life one–I’m terrified I’ll get a funky answer too)
And this post was specially meaningful because what you’re asking us to do is actually to build intimacy with our partners.
Mine is a new relationship and I pop over here to learn from you and your experiences. I told you how my little hottie after talking (because of this post) asked me–just last night to be his official boyfriend. And I was over whelmed and happy.
So I want to throw out a special thank you–because of your help, I have a new title that I’m wearing proudly.
Love ya sister!
.-= nandoism´s last blog ..How I Became the New Boyfriend =-.
As Bill Engvall is wont to say: “If you ask a man what he is thinking he will say “nothing”. Men just aren’t that complicated.”
Jeff Foxworthy would say: ” I need a beer and to see something naked.”
Based on these two “experts” I would never ask that question. LOL
.-= Maureen´s last blog .. =-.
We are having a date night later this week and I will ask these!
Alisa, Another excellent post with lots of worthwhile questions and ideas. Even though I’ve been married for almost 30 years, I wonder how my husband would answer some of these questions…and I’m gonna try and find out, soon!
Just asked my husband what the meaning of life is and he said . . . being kind to others, eating great food, and loving animals. That sounds good to me. I’m going to try the other questions on a night when he’s not glued to the wii-mote.
Recently, we have been asking each other at moments of stress, frustration, or tension in a kind way, “What do you want?” This helps so much to understand each other better and then help each other get what we need–ranging anywhere from a snack to more sex. And the “want” is important because we both try to suppress our wants and only satisfy our needs, but to be open with each other we have to know wants, needs, desires, the whole bit.
I love the idea of talking about all this stuff. Of course, we are big on talking about Deeper Meanings in general and we sometimes keep each other up late trying to solve the question of the meaning of life (what can I say? My husband was a philosophy major!)
But here’s the problem: We have no time whatsoever to talk about anything these days. I think what we need is a babysitter. THEN I can report back about how this conversation went. I swear I’m going to ask him all these questions though. (Someday. Maybe even before you manage to watch the Godfather!)
Forwarded this blog post to my hubby.
First: he was totally upset that I would think our healthy relationship would need this kind of help. He is right we talk about this sort of stuff all the time.
Second: I told him you were a humorous writer and he would enjoy the blog and THAT is why I forwarded it to him
Third: He agreed with your husband. The meaning to life IS beer and proceeded to tell me why. LOL
.-= Maureen´s last blog .. =-.
The true meaning of life is finding out you are complete with the one that you love and care for. I do not want anything more than my wife’s smile and love.
Unfortunately, men are not allowed to open up and express that and actually “think” about it. We are taught not to allow ourselves to be too “soft” for fear of being excluded from the guy’s club. It is the unwritten rule that we men learn very early on.
Your questions are fabulos! What better than the first one. I am going to ask your questions tonight over dinner… Can’t wait to hear what hubby will say.
.-= Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife´s last blog ..Our Love Story- Part 3: The First Date =-.
I plan to start with question 6 first, and I know exactly what I will insert in the blank…
Try this one from time to time.
What do you think about this, Honey?
It shows you respect your spouses opinion and gives them a sense of value…and in the process draws you closer.
If in the beginning you get a brief answer like “yes” , “sure” or “ok”, probe deeper.
“Why do you say that?”
“Can you be more specific?”
“That’s interesting, tell me more.”
.-= help my marriage´s last blog ..Stop Divorce =-.