I Had a Dream

AKA

Yet Another Post That Has No Point

AKA

An Unusual Tribute to One of My Favorite People

For those of you who are nervous about the fact that I’ve just written two pointless posts in a row, let me soothe your stress. A really helpful marriage improvement post is coming up next.

But, first, let me tell you about the stress dream I had last night.

In this dream, my good friend Rachel Weingarten — who happens to be a brilliant style, image and marketing consultant – called me and said, “I found the perfect job for you. I told them all about you and they want you. You’d be perfect for it and they’d be fools not to hire you. You need to be there 9 a.m. tomorrow. It’s in the City. Come to my place and we’ll take the train in together.”

Never mind that I am happy freelancing and am not looking for a fulltime job. Never mind that Rachel lives in the City and not anywhere near me. Never mind that there is no train service from where I live to New York City.

Folks: it was a dream, okay?

Here are two important points to know in order to best understand this dream:

1. This job was going to be the solution to all of my problems. Rachel hadn’t said it in those precise words, but I absorbed that gist as only a person can in a dream. This job was going to pay that mortgage bill that is due next week and that I’m not quite sure at the moment how I am going to pay. It was going to give me instant respect, admiration, and downright iconic status. The people at this company were going to worship me in a way I have never been worshipped before—not even by my husband before we had sex for the first time. It was going to give me self-confidence, money, respect, a personal shopper, a closet full of new shoes—everything a woman could want.
2. Rachel, oh Rachel. How do I explain her presence in my dream and in my life? You know when you are really sad and distressed and you think something along the lines of “I just want my mommy,” but you know you can’t just go running to your mommy because grownups don’t do that sort of thing? Rachel is like a stand-in mommy for me. She’s that friend who sees me in the same way all mothers see their children. She only sees my good. Therefore, whenever I’m around her, I feel good—even in the middle of a stress dream.

I told Rachel I’d be at her place bright and early. This is what happened next:

• I wake the next day. I look at my watch. I say to myself, “What time am I supposed to meet Rachel? 7 am? 9 a.m.? 11 a.m.? And am I supposed to meet her at her place or in the City?” I look all over the house for a written note that will tell me what time I should go to Rachel’s. I ask my husband what time I am supposed to meet Rachel. He asks, “Who’s Rachel?” So I gather up a bunch of stuff—clothes, makeup, shoes—and I run to her place. I don’t know why I don’t drive. I suppose, in my dream, Rachel lives around the corner. I also don’t know why I don’t change out of my jammies.
• I arrive sweaty, panting and on the edge of a full-blown panic attack. Rachel’s sister Kiki soothes me as only Kiki can. She says, “Oh honey, you have plenty of time. Not to worry!” Then she shows me to the bathroom so I can apply makeup. Note: I do not believe that Kiki and Rachel live together or commute together in real life, but they did in my dream.
• I cannot find the switch to turn on the bathroom light. I feel around the walls. I just can’t find the dang thing. So I attempt to do without the light. No matter how close I get to the mirror, I cannot see my eyelid. I smear eyeliner all over my eyelid. I know I’ve smeared it all over my eyelid, but I can’t seem to get it off. It’s as if I’ve accidentally used a Sharpie for eyeliner.
• My dad steps out of the shower. Even though it is too dark for me to see my eyelid, it is not too dark for me to see my father’s manliness. I look away, but he keeps making conversation with me and for some reason it doesn’t occur to him to wrap a towel around himself. Important Note: I feel the need to state that my father would never do this in real life. I also feel the need to state that he does not know Rachel and would not be taking a shower in her bathroom.
• I try to get dressed, but I cannot find my clothes. So I stay in my pajamas.
• I find Rachel. She tells me that I look stunning. I think her exact words are, “You are so beautiful I could eat you.” I decide that my PJs must be more fashionable than I realize and that eyeliner all over one’s face is the new look for 2010.
• We get on the train. There are a bazillion other people on the train. For some reason the train has no sides and there are people running beside it, and these people are trying to grab hold of me and pull me off the train.
• Rachel tells me that I am stronger than I think and that no one can overcome my strength and pull me off the train.
• I ask Rachel, “Should I have a ticket?”
• She looks at her sister Kiki. Kiki says, “A ticket might have been a good idea.”
• Rachel says, “Don’t worry. We’ll figure out something.”
• I can’t tell you what happens during the job interview because I don’t remember this part of the dream. I think my dream skipped over this scene.
• I get the job, though. I’m not sure how I get it, but I do. Rachel was right. These people adore me.
• I visit my literary agent to tell him the good news. Keep in mind that me getting a fulltime job would not be good news to him in real life because that would mean that I would be giving up my ghostwriting career, which would mean that he would be out of a chunk of change in commission. But in my dream he is happy for me. He is also back together with his girlfriend and they are living together again. This getting back together and moving in together has all transpired within the past 48 hours. He tells me that she showed up at his place two nights ago and they both instantly realized that they really were made for one another. She smiles as he tells me this story, beaming with womanly pride. Note 1: Only my literary agent is going to understand the bizarre nature of this detail, but that’s okay. Note 2: I’ve never met his girlfriend in real life, but in my dream she was exceptionally beautiful, kind and downright funny. Note 3: I have not asked my literary agent about his love life in at least a year. For all I know he and said girlfriend are engaged and have been for months. Note 4: I’ve never been to my lit agent’s home and don’t know what it looks like in real life. In my dream it was quite a palace by New York City standards.
• I ask my lit agent and his girlfriend if I can use their bathroom before heading home. They take me down 6 million hallways that eventually lead to a bathroom that has no walls. I mean the toilet is there right in the open for everyone to see! Who has such a bathroom? I really need to use the bathroom. My need is quite urgent. But I tell them that the urge to go has passed and I must be heading along now.

Then I wake up and I realize that I really need to use the bathroom.

I adore dreams like that for many reasons. One, they confirm for me that I really am a creative human being. Two, they allow me to address my fears and insecurities in a safe way. It was so lovely to have Rachel and Kiki there with me! Too bad they can’t be with me during every stressful moment! Three, they give me something to blog about.

What are your stress dreams like? What’s the oddest dream you ever had? Leave a comment.

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