A Reader Participation Post
This question came in from a reader.
My husband is a political junkie. He watches as many news shows as he can. He listens to talk radio all day and is constantly checking news websites. He reads the entire opinion section of the newspaper and any other articles that are politically based. Then he rants against whoever or whatever has affronted his political leanings. He rants during the evening when we’re trying to relax. He rants in the car when we are driving to the store. He rants at the restaurant when we have a date. And, worst of all, he rants first thing in the morning. I’ve told him “no politics” before 8:00 a.m., but he just can’t resist. He reads the newspaper first thing so he’s pretty wound up by the time I’m out of the shower. When I can’t stand it anymore and it’s a good day I’ll ask him if we can talk about something else. On a bad day I just snap at him and tell him to shut up. No matter how I ask, he gets offended and sulks for hours. It’s getting to the point that I don’t want to be in the same room with him anymore! Help! – Death By Politics
Dear Death By Politics,
There’s hope. I know this because James Carville–a democratic strategist who got Bill Clinton elected–is still married to Republican pundit Mary Matalin. And the two have not killed each other yet. If they’ve found a way to agree to disagree, you can, too.
Exactly how you should go about accomplishing it, though, I’m not sure. My husband and I not only share the same political views, neither one of us cares to talk about those views all that often. We’re just not hot and sassy that way. We’re not ranters.
But were he to suddenly start ranting, this is what I think I would do.
- Explain how I feel when he rants: anxious, stressed, on edge, worried that he’s going to displace his anger over politics and project it onto me.
- Tell him that I love him. This is about the behavior. It’s not about him.
- Ask him to help me solve the problem. Any solution will work, as long as it works for both of us. Maybe we establish a No Ranting Hour. Maybe I wear Sound Proof Headphones in the morning. Maybe he reads the paper outside of the house, where I’m not around. Maybe we give him a ranting spot (sort of like a crying spot that some parents give to toddlers). He can rant all he wants in that spot, but nowhere else.
I’m not saying that those solutions will work for you. I’m just saying that those are possibilities. I’m sure (I hope!) the regular readers of ProjectHappoilyEverAfter.com will come up with other, better solutions.
Readers: help Death By Politics. How can she peacefully co-exist with her husband? What should she do? What would you do if you were in her situation?
And, as always, be kind to one another. We’re all human beings with real feelings. It’s okay to disagree and offer conflicting opinions, but please don’t insult one another for those opinions.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
This sounds like my dad and mom! My dad is really opinionated about his political views and my mom has a system of “No Politics at ______.” Such as during dinner, before coffe, in the car where she can’t get away, etc. Some are everyday times and some are spontaneous. She lets him know ahead of time to leave his views out of the discussion.
Neither my husband or I are very politcal so this is not an issue for us. If this were me, though, I would definitely set up ground rules. Any politcal discussion at dinner or before coffee would not be okay. Anytime he started ranting, I would either tell him I wasn’t going to listen to him or simply walk away, not giving it any attention. Good Luck!
This is strictly my opinion and based on my experience.
But its apparent your husband is very passionate about politics, so try to look at in the sense of, he’s just talking about something he’s passionate about. And if he doesn’t have many other people that will talk politics, he’s going to talk to you about them.
However, I would agree w/ the dinner rule, no talking about politics or religion at the dinner table. I would talk to him and just explain that you understand he’s all about this stuff, but that you’d enjoy if at least for one hour, like dinner time, that you guys can talk about something else…. Maybe something you would like to talk about?
There is always a compromise though, if he agrees to let up, maybe you can watch the news with him and ask questions about things you might not understand. (just wait until the commercials lol) There are a lot of things going on right now in politics, since I met my man, I’ve learned a lot of things that have pissed me off and somewhat made me more into politics. I’m still not as deep into it as him, but it gives us something to talk about. And my last suggestion would be to smoothly change the subject, or whenever you get out of the shower, bring up something you’d like to talk about. Or invite him in the shower on those days you REALLY don’t want to hear it that early lol. Good Luck!
This would annoy me too! I think the idea of setting limits is a good one…for example, one hour per day where he can rant and that’s it…or something along those lines.
I have to wonder why he feels the need to continually talk to you about a topic that you have made clear you have no interest in, or at least no interest in hearing about constantly. Why do your feelings seem to be of no consequence to him? I hope you also get a chance to talk about topics that interest you somewhere in between the rants.
Another suggestion…since he is so interested and so passionate, maybe he could get involved in politics on some level…maybe local government, starting a political opinion blog or writing for a newspaper? Perhaps if he felt as if he were doing something he wouldn’t feel the need to rant about what he doesn’t like as much to you.
.-= Cyndi´s last blog ..Lost Again =-.
You could try something we did at one of my first jobs. Rather than letting people gripe/rant all day long, we made a game of it. Each person was allowed one brief rant per day, and the goal became to make it as funny and absurd as possible. It made the process focused and short (compared to the alternative).
He’s got a lot of energy to expend on politics, so I’m with Cyndi on seeing if he can be constructive about it by being politically active, blogging, etc. If he has someone else to talk to about it, he may feel less need to bombard you with it.
.-= Melanie´s last blog ..DIY Clean Green Toothpaste =-.
My husband can and does get very passionate about politics. We have dinner with several bachelors on Saturday night. They’ll get into politics, which I care very little about and the talk usually upsets my digestion. So, I’ve come up with a solution. I put my hands over my ears and say “la, la, la, la, la”. It’s the best way I’ve found of getting these men to shut up already. And it doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
When that doesn’t work, I have a rule “no talking politics during dinner, as I get a stomach ache”. This shuts them up also.
When it’s just hubby and I, which he knows I don’t really care about politics, but he really needs to rant/vent/talk about what he’s just watched on TV, I let him talk for 5 – 10 minutes. Then I’m done!!!!
Maybe you can find your husband a group (such as a MeetUp group) that shares his political views and he can go meet with these folks whenever they have meetings and he can rant there. Or you can make “rules” that he’s only allowed to rant to you for X amount of time each day.
Good luck with finding something that works for both of you. I know if my husband were to talk to me as much as he’d probably like to about politics, I be in the nut house. LOL!!!
I’d tell him to find a friend with the same passion for politics, and talk to that person instead; perhaps even join a group where everyone can rant together. (BTW, it’s the same with my husband and sports. But he takes the hint – most of the time. He just doesn’t go there when I’m around.) And then I’d hide all the newspapers, radios and televisions
I am a political ranter too so I can relate to your husband. For use ranters, we just simply HAVE to get it out. Trying to stifle it is almost impossible.
What we really want is to be heard, so here is my suggestion. Make your husband start a blog and rant online. There is something very satisfying about being able to put your views about something in writing and then shouting them out to the world (which is why blogs are so popular).
If you husband is not the type of person who would write a full-blown blog, make him join an online political forum or message board where he can rant and argue with other people who are into that. There are probably a million of online political posting boards that he could join.
Aiming your husband’s political rantings online won’t completely stop him from ranting to you, but it may be a way of letting him get most of it out. And when he does start going off, you can simply say “That sounds interesting honey. You should post something about that (on your blog or on your forum).”
Daniel–I think that’s a GREAT solution. Thanks for weighing in here. Your input is phenomenal.
I am not so much a ranter as a commentor. Seems I can’t read the morning newspaper without verbally emoting my reactions to what is going on. Sometimes I am furious (a lot recently), and sometimes I laugh. I try to share both reactions with my husband, “suggesting sweetly” he might enjoy reading these articles, which I then put on his side of the table. Sometimes he does; most often he does not. However, he admitted to me one day (in a moment of full disclosure), that he usually does not have a clue why I either find an article “temper tantrum inducing” or “hysterically funny.” He found them neither. All this means, I decided, is that we are two very different people, and communication on these issues is not going to be “fruitful.”
I agree, however, that if I were ranting all the time, he would have good reason to “suggest” I find an outlet for all that anger and frustration. I have considered, like Granny D, starting some kind of movement.
I like Danielle’s ideas as well. I was just going to say to go ahead and snap at him. At least if he is sulking he is quiet.
I have a feedback communication model that I use when someone is frustrating the heck out of me. It is quite useful and quite often someone is not aware of what they are doing…..even if you snap at them.
.-= Maureen´s last blog .. =-.
My husband goes on and on about sports (and other subjects that I’m not at all interested in). Once we had gone on a weekend trip and as a result spend over 48 hours together with little distraction. By the end of the weekend, I asked if we had to talk about X so much. And he simply stated that he was just filling the silence. You see, we’re both college students. I am a dedicated student that ignores all other interests while school is in session. My husband continues to nurture his interests (and is arguably a more well rounded person as a result). When we take a weekend trip during the semester, I literally have very little to talk about except the usually ‘school talk’ which is exhausted after 30 minutes. My point is, there once was a time when I read books and kept up with current events. I am certain that my husband wishes I still did because he enjoys intellectually stimulating conversation. I just can’t give that right now. And I believe he understands my need to focus on the task at hand with patience and compassion.
Perhaps, a similar pattern started for you (Death by Politics). You didn’t have much to say so your husband started feeling the need to fill the silence by talking only about his interests? My advice is that instead of thinking about what you do not want to talk about, start thinking about what you do want to talk about. And be ready. Be pushy even.
My husband and I have a rule that we’re not allowed to interrupt each other during the day with the random thoughts that pop into our heads. Instead we have time in the evening set aside to talk. This prevents either of us from feeling like the other person is distracted and not really listening. And it prevents us from being annoyed by the other person’s constant interruptions.
Wise words from Nakita. I at first thought that the blog idea was a great one too until I started applying that to my own obsessive husband. When he finds other outlets for that energy, we start to lose each other, we start to lose the connection. With him the obsessive talking about obsessions helps him have a sense of purpose. When we have straight talks about it he usually feels bad but then we have to work together to figure out what he can do, actively, to fill that need instead of the obsession. Maybe a blog would do that. For my husband the obsession is usually an escape, though, from other activities that he’d love to pursue but fears failure.
I concur with suggestions to create a “no politics zone.” Negotiation is helpful, so perhaps DbP’s husband would be more receptive negotiating an exchange. Maybe in exchange for the “no politics zone” he could ask for a “no (whatever my wife does that annoys me even though she may not realize it) zone,” too. If they have a good sex life and are comfortable in the shower together, maybe she could invite him to shower with her in the mornings before reading the paper to get a “rant break.” Perhaps in exchange for a politics-free date night where they could talk about topics of her choice — or just other topics — she could sit and engage him in a political discussion. If she is not that political, maybe she could ask him questions about his stances and leanings.
I like Cindy’s idea of encouraging him to get politically involved. I also echo Mrs. Levine’s words of caution to say boundaries should be discussed ahead of time regarding balancing the marriage and volunteerism.
I have no advice, I fear. But I can say this: Our friend Arnold (the governor of CA) is married to a democrat. When they fight, he sleeps in the garage. But despite their vast differences, they seem to have a healthy, happy marriage. So I think your reader CAN figure out a way to work it out with her spouse. I hope…
My husband doesn’t rant so to speak but he used to watch a lot of those political shows on MSNBC and such in which people are yelling and arguing with each other all the time. He would just have it on almost as background noise. He realized that it got him way too wound-up and agitated and he turned it off. We have a “no cable news channel political shout-fest show” rule now. Local news is ok. Brian Williams is ok. Our ban really helped him to calm down. We fight a lot less…for real. I mean it would make sense that if you’re not listening to other people arguing and fighting all the time…maybe you would fight and argue less. When I made that revelation, I think I slapped forehead.