This Might At First Seem Like a Review of Eat, Pray Love. It’s Not. I’m Just Long-winded Like That.
I might be the only woman in the world who did not finish Elizabeth Gilbert’s famed Eat, Pray, Love. I did read the Italy part of the book, and part of India, too. And that much of the book affected me in a major way. For instance, before I’d picked up that book, I’d thought Italy was overrated. It was the place where everyone else went. Therefore I did not need to go there. No, people like me? We went to unusual places, like South Africa and Iceland. We did not go to Italy.
This summer, I will turn 40. Thanks to Gilbert, I’m going to celebrate that milestone by going to Italy—Tuscany to be precise—so I can take some cooking classes, not to mention eat a lot of fattening food and drink a lot of wine. I suppose I’ll have to eat a cream puff in Gilbert’s honor as well. I don’t know how I’m going to fund this trip. But I do know that it’s going to happen.
Before I picked up Eat, Pray, Love, it had never occurred to me to write about my life. My life? BO-RING. That’s really what I thought. But Gilbert’s voice was so fresh and so fun and so something that it made me think, “Maybe I could have as much fun with my writing as she is having with hers.” Now I blog and I have a memoir coming out in January.
Indeed, the half of Eat, Pray, Love that I did read changed me.
I suppose the half that I didn’t read might have changed me even more had I not gotten bored in India. At some point after reading about meditation and floor scrubbing and that Texan guy, I closed the book, put it down, and let it sit for months.
That book sat unloved for so long that I eventually felt sorry for it. I gave it to my mother.
I don’t know if she ever opened it.
What I do know is this. People tell me that I should not have stopped at India. They tell me that I really ought to have kept going. They say that Indonesia is the best part of that book. They’ve even said that my life will be forever incomplete unless I resume my reading and get to the end of the book.
I found this intriguing. Wouldn’t you? So not long ago, when I noticed Eat, Pray, Love on my mother’s bookshelf, I asked her if I could have it back.
I put it on my bookshelf. There it sat.
And it sat there for months as I read other novels, other memoirs, and other self-help books.
Then a friend mentioned that she’d always wanted to read Eat, Pray, Love. I gave her my copy. The book deserved to be loved. Maybe she would give it the love that I had not.
Alas, I am still Indonesia deficient.
But that did not stop me from buying and reading Committed, Gilbert’s follow up to Eat, Pray, Love. I bought it for two reasons. One, it’s about marriage. I write a marriage blog. Duh.
Two, I have developed a wicked crush on Elizabeth Gilbert. If I were a lesbian, I’d be stalking her.
The crush started long after I didn’t finish Eat, Pray, Love. It started about a year ago, after I watched Gilbert’s TED lecture about trying to write a book after one has already written the biggest book one will probably ever write. I laughed. I cried. I commiserated.
I wanted to get in her pants.
And I began looking forward to her upcoming work with bated breath. I planned to read Committed and then write Gilbert, telling her, “It’s a fantastic book. You worried all this time for nothing. It’s even BETTER than Eat, Pray, Love. I didn’t even finish Eat, Pray, Love, but I finished Committed!”
And finish it I did. I finished it in just 1.5 days.
Committed is based on the year Gilbert spent coming to terms with the fact that she had to marry Felipe, who, had I read to the end of Eat, Pray, Love, would have already been familiar to me as the Brazilian guy she meets in Indonesia.
Gilbert had to marry Felipe because he was not a US citizen. Homeland Security barred him from ever entering the US again unless he married Gilbert.
Gilbert spent a year traveling through Southeast Asia with Felipe as the two waited for attorneys in the US to take care of the essential paperwork that would allow the two to marry. As they traveled, Gilbert fretted about the meaning and purpose of marriage. Could she possibly do it again? Would a legally binding marriage destroy their relationship? Was she cut out for marriage?
Oh, she had a lot of questions. How can one know for sure that one will not cheat on one’s spouse at one point in the next 60 years? Why do some people have affairs and others stay monogamous? Is it possible to love just one person and only one person for life? What is the difference between infatuation and love? Is there really a way for a woman to marry a man without losing a big piece of her self in the process? Why do some people fall out of love?
Her questions led her to interview women who lived in the small villages in Vietnam, Thailand, Laos, and Cambodia. She also interviewed her mother, her friends, her sister—basically anyone who might have a take on the meaning and importance (or lack there of) of marriage. She read philosophical texts, historical texts and religious texts.
As I read, I found myself staring into space and thinking deeply about the many questions she raised. I imagined myself sitting down to beer and a slice of pizza with Gilbert. I would soothe her fears by telling her about my bad marriage gone good. This is what, during that imaginary meeting over pizza, I told her:
Elizabeth, yes, you might lose a part of yourself during marriage. Yes, you’ll probably have to compromise. Yes, you might one day find yourself doing things for him that you never in a zillion years thought you would find yourself doing. For instance, you might one day find yourself nicely folding his tightie whities and putting them in a neat pile in his drawer. Yes, you the intelligent, creative career woman might do that. Indeed, marriage changes a woman. But in exchange for whatever parts of yourself that you lose, you will gain something in return. Marriage, in its healthiest essence, is a partnership—it’s a business partnership, a child rearing partnership (if a couple chooses to spawn), and it’s a spiritual partnership. It’s about two people growing together and sacrificing together and supporting each other.
Elizabeth, let me tell you this. Five years ago I worked like a dog so my husband could start a business. Would I have done that had we not been married? I don’t think so. Lately, he’s been doing 80 percent of the household chores because I’ve been focused on my career. Would he do that were we just living together? I don’t know for sure, but I kind of doubt it.
Elizabeth, marriage allows you to take greater risks.
Marriage gives you the security you need to help each other chase down dreams.
In marriage, two halves do not make a whole. But two wholes can add up to a greater sum than two.
This, of course, doesn’t happen in all marriages. In some, the opposite takes place. In some, two halves remain two halves that are glued together by co-dependence. In others, two wholes add up to two wholes that have nothing in common.
But, Elizabeth, Felipe sounds like a wonderful husband who is a complete person. And you sound like a wonderful wife who is a complete person. Because of this, I know that your 1 plus 1 will add up to more than 2. It might not add up like that today or tomorrow, but it will eventually add up to 2.5 or 3 or possibly even 4. And, when it does, you’ll understand what marriage is all about. Trust me.
Copyright 2010 Project Happily Ever After
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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
I stopped reading Eat, Pray, Love at exactly the same place. Guess I will have to get Committed …
I especially liked these parts of your letter to Elizabeth: “It’s a spiritual partnership. It’s about two people growing together and sacrificing together and supporting each other.”
“Marriage gives you the security you need to help each other chase down dreams.”
Only, I might put “A good” in front of marriage because a bad marriage is the opposite.
You’re way ahead of me Alisa. I never read Eat, Pray, Love. It’s the contrarian in me. The minute EVERYONE is reading a book, I lose interest. I’m sure I have lost out on a great many books (and movies) due to this ridiculous way of thinking. (Not that you care, but it’s based on a childhood during which I was never given choices, just told what to do, but after all, I’m turning 65 soon so I’m sure I should stop acting this way, but anyway…) My point is that now that I know you didn’t finish it, I’m ready to take it up. Committed? Not sure. But as always, you manage to make me laugh and think at the same time so I’m not sure I need either book!
I read all of “Eat, Pray, Love,” but then wrote a column about how those of us with kids and “real” responsibilities felt screwed over by Gilbert’s story of freedom and self-discovery. That said, I think she’s a damn fine writer, though I’m don’t want to get into her pants (there are several other writers whose pants I would willingly remove however). Your post makes me want to read “Committed,” and I will. So thank you.
.-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Free tickets to new musical Spring Awakening =-.
That last paragraph you wrote Alisa, was stunningly written. Very, very beautiful <3
Beautiful, beautiful. I don’t actually know a thing about either of the books you’re talking about (I’m not familiar with many books written since 1890) but I loved everything you told Elizabeth in your imaginary meeting. Especially the idea of two wholes adding up to more than two. Fabulous.
.-= Kathleen Quiring´s last blog ..Compatibility, Chemistry and Marriage: What Do you Think? =-.
Well, you got me interested. But I only just put the last book you reviewed on hold at my library. So, this one will have to wait.
Thank you so much for this post! I loved Eat, Pray, Love and I bought Committed on a whim as soon as i saw it (last week) but haven’t started reading it yet. Maybe I will move it to the top of my giant pile of books to read… I think I might need it really bad.
You see – I am a 33-year old getting ready to get married this summer and I am scared sh*tless. I wish I could say that i am transitioning from a lifetime of singlehood to healthy couplehood gracefully, but truth is I resist all the small compromises, the loss of freedom, the need to “check in” before I make decisions – I feel like I am kicking and screaming my way through our engagement. Of course you’d ask “well then why do you want to get married?” I deeply believe what you say about two wholes making more than two, and since I have been given the opportunity to embark on that journey I really want to go for it. But that doesn’t keep me from being totally terrified of losing my identity, the identify of a successful fearless independent woman. Which was all fake anyway, but I had convinced myself that it was really me. So now i have to deconstruct before I can build myself up again. Anyway, sorry for pouring my heart out, but I just wanted to say thanks for writing this book review. Heck if someone writes a book about this, I must not be crazy. It gives me courage and motivation to keep at it. And I’m going to read that book!
I read the book from beginning to end. Then I passed it on my sister. Reading your review of committed I can’t hardly wait to get my hands on it. Alisa you can be the next Elizabeth Gilbert, why not?
Here is link that I found and I thought of you, hopefully to get you a head start to your summer birthday bash. I’m rooting for you!
http://latavolamarche.blogspot.com/2010/03/slow-travel-umbria-le-marche.html
Saludos,
A Mexican chica living in Europe
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..A Food and Beverage Festival in Split ~GAST =-.
After being together for 10 yrs, this being a second relationship for both of us, my lover, friend and partner stunned me by asking me to marry him.
That was 1 1/2 yrs ago and we’ve never looked back. If we had had these words 1 1/2 yrs ago we would’ve used them in our marriage ceremony Alisa.
It so eloquently says what we both feel about our relationship.
.-= Maureen´s last blog .. =-.
It’s me again. Just wanted to share the quote we have on our wedding invitations:
The goal of our life should not be to find joy in marriage,
But to bring more love and truth into the world.
We marry to assist one another in this task.
Leo Tolstoy
OK, so I have to read those books now, because I’ve asked myself those questions many times. What is it about hearing that other people go through the same things we go through that makes us feel ok? I’m just happy that it happens that way, because otherwise, people like me would be pretty lost. I’m just glad I have a book that I think will be worthy of the gift certificate I have for Barnes and Noble! Can’t wait to read them!
I took a whole summer to read eat ,pray love..My sister in -law claimed it was the best book she ever read.I finally did finish.I liked it was great…My favorite of all times maybe not.
Books as blogs or any written word hit people at different times either head on or not so much due to where they are in their life.
On that note,Everytime I read happily ever after..it leaves me with a smile on my face and thinking.YES..somebody out there knows what I am talking about!
Thank you for being so honest,real and sharing your thoughts.
I am still in the journey to figure out how to make this o.k. marriage something way better.Unless I try i will never know!
Thanks again for your inspiration!
I have heard mixed reviews of “Eat, Pray, Love” but may pick it up. “Committed” sounds more up my alley. The paragraph you wrote about the questions Elizabeth asked herself… I asked myself those many, many times during my engagment, especially during the 4-6 months leading up to my wedding. I felt so isolated, like I was wrong in thinking these things, like it meant I shouldn’t get married. It caused a lot of stress and strain on myself and my relationship. But my husband still met me at the alter and he held onto a faith in us that I coudn’t feel at the time… and for that, I will forever be grateful because marrying him was one of the best choices I’ve made.
Helene… if you haven’t already found it, go check out http://www.consciousweddings.com. (Alisa, I hope you don’t mind me plugging that website here.) I found this website 1 week before my wedding and it is what literally helped get me to the alter and helped me through the transition of marriage. The people have changed since I went there almost 3 years ago now, but the premise is still the same. Just wanted to let you know your’e not alone in your questioning and many of us are now “on the other side” in happy and healthy marriages.
Natalie–it’s always good to mention other sites, especially the helpful ones. Never feel the need to hold back or ask permission. This site is all about helping others and not about competing with other blogs/sites. I wasn’t aware of that site, so I’m glad you mentioned it.
.-= Alisa Bowman´s last blog ..Book Review: Committed =-.
I was so eager to read Committed, because of my own conflicted feelings about marriage and, when I finally got the chance, I felt it was teaching me a lesson I knew on an intellectual level, but still needed: You can’t expect him to be your everything.
But I love your lesson as well: “Marriage gives you the security you need to help each other chase down dreams.” It’s true. That’s what my husband and I have done (and continue to do) for each other. It’s nice to be reminded.
.-= Steph Auteri´s last blog ..YourTango Is Looking for Bloggers and Interns! =-.
Thanks Alisa. Conscious Weddings was the best place I could’ve found just before and in the months/year after my wedding. It was so great finding other women who made me feel less isolated and I am still in touch with a couple of them today. The Message Board was my saving grace and I posted pretty regularly up to a year and a half after my wedding.
Steph, your comment about the book teaching you that you can’t expect him to be your everything is something I really had to focus on leading up to my wedding. Now I’m REALLY curious about this book!
I read Eat, Love, Pray over the summer, and couldn’t put it down. The book was inspirational even though I will never find myself in a situation to wander aimlessly in serch of a better understanding. When I heard about Committed I really wanted to read it! I felt like any additional words of wisdom I could get from Elizabeth would be worth every penny.
I didn’t buy it. I decided that the questions she explored in the book… would remind me of the fact that I had once swore off marriage myself. And when my husband proposed to me, I said yes without any deliberation at all.
After a lot of soul searching and reading marriage advice, I reached a healthy understanding of what a good marriage is. So I definitely need to stay focused on that and not go back to the ‘wondering-why-the-hell-I-got-married’ place.
At first when I read the things you want to say to Elizabeth, I thought you were being a little idealistic. Maybe I still do. But you are absolutely right! You captured it so well. Thanks for saying the words I have been looking for these last few months.
I really, really like this post! I agree with the above readers’ comments, what you wrote at the end of this post was absolutely eloquent and beautiful–very well said!
And I agree with you!
I did read ‘Eat Pray Love’ but not until this past January, and I absolutely loved, loved, loved the book! I think it was a great book, written by a woman with a distinct and un-apologetic voice (which I love) who sincerely wanted to “find herself,” it just so happened that when she did, she found someone else too–which I think is great! I read the WHOLE book, and actually, the part I enjoyed the most was India, and Indonesia! I too want to go to Italy, particularly Tuscany (and not just because you said that, Alisa) pretty much more than I want to use my left arm! LOL! Seriously, Italy has ALWAYS been my #1 Dream Destination even as a child–and especially Tuscany–so please, have some of that Italian food and fun for me!
I like that Ms. Gilbert pointed out the poverty in Italy, because poverty is really everywhere and it’s so important that people recognize that–even in the best, most romantic places, poverty exists–she highlighted in “Eat Pray Love” in every country she was in, so I really respected and appreciated that!
I’ve been married a WHOLE YEAR, tomorrow–March 7th–and marriage has definitely changed me. But it’s also grown me up and taken me out of myself unlike anything else I’ve ever done.
It’s made me face myself, my good side and bad side. It’s made me realize my own capacity to love and forgive someone and I think BOTH of us are better people now–a year later–percisely because we got married! I went through ALL of those questions myself, I drove myself pretty much crazy the year before our wedding–and I read ALL over the ConciousBride website, I also read “Emotionally Engaged,” the BEST engagement book EVER! Marriage is a choice–staying married is a daily choice–it shouldn’t be done lightly, but sometimes, it’s okay not to over think it. Sometimes, when we over think things we miss out on their greatness.
I think, no, I KNOW, marriage is incredibly difficult sometimes, and even being married, I STILL ask myself some of those questions. I think women always do, I think men ask themselves the same kinds of questions, maybe just different ones and they certainly don’t vocalize like we do. But, I really enjoyed this post and I loved the book, “Eat, Pray, Love”.
I have to say that I didn’t rush into marriage, and I’m really glad I didn’t. I’m glad I thought it through and waited almost 2 and 1/2 years after we met to do so. I’m glad I didn’t wait longer. But, I do not know how I’d feel about marriage if I was ever divorced, which I don’t plan on being, obviously, but…just saying. I think it’s harder to marry the 2nd time around, because you’re more aware of its TRUE commitment, sacrifice and the day to day ins and outs of it. I’d be leary too, I was leary the first time! LOL!
I do want to read “Committed,” it sounds like a wonderful expose on the whole topic of love, marriage and commitment. Thank you for this post, it was excellent!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
I read both, but I admit I did so pretty quickly. I am not one for long drawn out descriptions or lots of self-pondering. I’m all about the action. So I read them, but I wasn’t mad about them.
Such a great review! Couldn’t agree more.
.-= Andi´s last blog ..Brasil: Day 6 =-.
I’m so glad you wrote this review because I’ve been kicking myself that I haven’t. I didn’t like Eat, Pray, Love because it just made me mad to read about a writer that could quit her life and go have fun world traveling in order to feel better about herself at the urging of an editor/book deal. Jealousy, basically.
Then I saw that TED lecture and was blown away. I’ve been afraid of feeling jealous and snarky about Committed so I’ve avoided it. My friend suggested the audio book so I can listen to her tell it and feel a little less mean girl maybe. Maybe.
.-= Mrs. Levine´s last blog ..yehyehgrace: retrogasm: TechnicolorDo you ever look at other… =-.
I still don’t know if COMMITTED is worth reading, Alisa, though I totally enjoyed your take on EAT, PRAY, LOVE. I suspect you’ll be having an in-person conversation with your crush sometime soon (it’s interesting to me that you like her so much. I did finish the book and saw one thing she did on Web TV and I feel sort of sad and sorry whenever I think of her. She seems so unhappy and tortured in so many ways… Of course, now she’s so rich and can do whatever she wants. But you can never really escape from yourself, no matter how much money you have…)
.-= Jennifer Margulis´s last blog ..New Article on Swiss Travel Writer Ella Maillart =-.
I also read Committed in about 2 days… what drove me to read her new book was the way she puts on paper so many of the questions that I am often asking myself in my head. My husband and I just had our 18th anniversary, and I am more curious now than ever of why two people choose to commit to one another, and what do they learn that keeps them going for the long haul.
When I was reading this book, I kept wanting to write down the questions she was posing into my own journal pages – if nothing else, EG inspires me to really examine and reflect on what I would like to improve or change in my own relationship.
Mrs. Levine – I too resented the fact EG had the luxury to go live a fantasy life for a year to find herself. I have 3 children and husband who’s corporate job moves us around the country every 3 to 5 years. I take victory in the fact that at least I can write down my very own unintellectual insights in a wide ruled notebook (leftover from school supplies, naturally) while I sit on my back patio and watch the kidlets play (maybe even sipping a glass of wine from Tuscany). Oh, and my jealousy really ran away when she writes about the shitty bus rides and dingy hotels she stays in while traveling!
Steph Auteri-you nailed the book in one sentence! You really cannot expect him to be your everything. Some of us took a long time to figure that out!
I too only half read Eat, Pray, Love. I don’t know why I never finished it… I liked it. It just never hooked me.
You’ve inspired me to pick it up again and then read on to Committed.
Thanks
.-= Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife´s last blog ..Our Love Story- Part 3: The First Date =-.
Could you teach me to read a book in a day and a half?
I haven’t read either, but I most certainly plan to read Committed. I enjoy few things in life as much as I enjoy gleaning from the wisdom of others, and it reads to me like this book is heavy-laden with it. Your spin doesn’t hurt either.
I initially began Eat Pray Love and ended about the same place you did. Then, one random day, I felt the need to pick it back up. I pushed through India only to find the best was yet to come in Indonesia.
I think marriage is much the same way. Sometimes you find yourself having to force yourself through the rough times because you know that beyond the tough times are the best times. Just a thought….and a little encouragement to finish the book
i love Italian Food specially those juicy pastas. They are really delicious.”:.
i always love italian food, they are really tasty like indian foods.,;~
what i like about italian food is the pasta and spaghetti. they are so yummy~`.
I didn’t read the book but I saw the movie which was beautifully acted by Julia Roberts. I have never been in such a journey of discovery, I have 2 beautiful children so for me everyday is a journey. Thanks for allowing me to share